Sunday 15 September 2013

Deep Sea Divers

French international midfielder Hatem Ben Arfa his very self scored one and set up another as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle United beat Aston Villains (and their second city scum support) at Villa Park and put the Midlanders right down where they belong - in the gutter along with all the other turds. Ben Arfa opened the scoring after some excellent play from on-loan Loic Remy, who was making his first start for the Magpies. Christian Benteke equalised after the break when he powered home a corner from Ashley Westwood (although United goalkeeper Tim Krul will be rather disappointed with his own contribution to the goal). But, just as the home support were starting to get all uppity, substitute Yoan Gouffran secured victory for the visitors when he reacted quickest after Villa keeper Brad Guzan could only parry Ben Arfa's long-range effort. The win was Newcastle's second of the season - and third in a row in all competitions - and came just days after manager Alan Pardew was forced to put out a statement defending under-pressure Director of Eff-All, Joe Kinnear, over the club's failure to add to their squad before the transfer window closed. The only player who was brought in by the club this summer was Remy (who almost signed for the Magpies in January before he got his greed on, big-style). Nevertheless, Remy has had an immediate impact since signing on a season-long loan from the Queens Park Strangers. He set up Ben Arfa for the only goal of the game as Newcastle beat Fulham in their last match and, again, he combined with his French compatriot to open the scoring at Villa Park. Ben Arfa, who scored just four goals last season, was causing the Villa defence no end of problems all afternoon and he thoroughly deserved his goal when he pounced to side-foot home the cross from Remy after Papiss Cisse had missed Remy's centre. The Villains, who have struggled to recreate the form which saw them beat The Arse 3-1 on the opening day of the season, looked nervous on the ball, especially in attack. Ciaran Clark had the best chance for the home side just before the break after Tim Krul could only tip an inswinging ball from the right, but Clark's first-time shot was straight into the side netting. Andreas Weimann then broke clear for Villa but with Benteke to his left he chose to go for goal only to screw his shot well wide, much to the dismay of the home crowd and the hilarity of the visiting supporters. Whatever Paul Lambert said at the break certainly hit a nerve as his side almost blew Newcastle away at the start of the second half as Gabriel Agbonlahor saw an effort deflected wide before he should have equalised. Matt Lowton played in Weimann on the right and he swung in an excellent cross, but Agbonlahor somehow diverted the ball well wide from just six yards out. Villa did add to their squad on transfer deadline day, as they completed the seven million quid signing of Libor Kozak, and his introduction coincided with the equaliser. His height added confusion in the Newcastle box, allowing Benteke to score his fifth goal of the season. But with Ben Arfa on the pitch it was Newcastle who always looked the more dangerous of the two sides. He had one curling effort saved before his long-range effort was not dealt with by Guzan, who could then only watch on as Gouffran fired home. Papiss Cisse and Cheick Tiote both also went close to adding to the score sheet as Newcastle moved up to eighth in the table, while Villa slipped to sixteenth.

Blunderland's manager, the notorious Paolo Di Canio said that he 'regrets' inviting the referee to send him off during the great Mackem unwashed's controversial 3-1 home defeat by The Arse. The Italian was sent to the stands after arguing with referee Martin Atkinson over alleged Arsenal time-wasting. 'He came to me and said "if you keep going with your manner I will send you up to the stand,"' Di Canio explained. 'I said "if you want to complete a perfect job, you can send me off." He took it seriously and sent me off.' Di Canio, whose side sit rock bottom of the Premier League with a mere one point from four games, added: 'Next time I will never invite the referee to send me off because he took it seriously.' Yeah, they tend to do that, matey. Before the second-half dismissal, Atkinson had sparked controversy by disallowing Jozy Altidore's goal for Blunderland. Battling to get his side back on level terms for a second time, Altidore brushed off Sagna's attempts to hold him back. His subsequent shot crept over the line before being hacked clear. But Blunderland's joy soon turned to white hot frothing anger when, instead of playing the advantage, Atkinson brought the game back for a Sunderland free-kick which curled harmlessly wide of Wojciech Szczesny's left-hand post. To make matters worse he only booked Sagna for the infringement instead of issuing a red card. Earlier, Craig Gardner's penalty had cancelled out Olivier Giroud's early strike with Aaron Ramsey restoring the visitors' lead before Altidore's goal that never was. Ramsey then rubbed salt into the Mackem's wounds by scoring his fifth goal of the season. It sealed a victory which takes The Arse to the top of the fledgling Premier League table and leaves the Black Cats down among the dead men. Di Canio, who has made plenty of headlines since becoming Blunderland boss towards the end of last season, has clamped down on perceived indiscipline at the Stadium of Shite. When asked about the disallowed goal, Di Canio said: 'It was a mistake - the referee has the power to wait to see how the action finishes, and then he can come back to his decision. They have to wait. You could see Altidore is much more powerful than Sagna, he was shielding the ball well. It was clear he was near to winning the challenge. That was a key moment because we can't imagine that we would have many more opportunities to score, so that decided the outcome of the game. That can happen. He is a man. It's important that he accepts this - I make mistakes every single moment when I make decisions with my players; my players make mistakes in front of goal.' His opposite number, blind Arsene Wenger, who also praised midfielders Jack Ramsey and debutant Mesut Özil, for once, actually did see the incident in question and said: 'Look, it's one of these things that are controversial because the referee had blown the whistle before the ball had gone in. If it's no goal, people moan because he didn't give the foul, and he could have given a foul on Sagna as well because both were holding each other off,' claimed The Arse's boss, ridiculously. 'But we were a bit lucky, yes, because this kind of situation can go in your favour and can go in the favour of Sunderland.'

The Scum's manager, whinging dour Scotsman David Moyes has warned his players he will not tolerate diving following the incident which led to winger Ashley Young being cautioned in the 2-0 win over Crystal Palace. Young tumbled over in the area after a challenge by Kagisho Dikgacoi in the first half. Television replays subsequently suggested that the England international initiated the contact and then tripped over his own feet in a clear attempt to win advantage. Moyes said: 'I don't want my players diving. Dikgacoi definitely throws his leg out but Ashley put his leg into his leg.' Referee Jon Moss showed Young a yellow card, although he later awarded a penalty when the same two players clashed again, just before half-time. That incident led to Dikgacoi being sent-off, with Robin van Persie scoring from the resulting penalty. Although that one probably was a foul (and, a deserved red card given the fact that it was a clear goal-scoring opportunity, Palace will feel a shade hard done-by since the initial contact came outside the box.) The Scum went on to wrap up victory in the second half thanks to Wayne Rooney's free-kick. Young has previously been in trouble for diving, with his former boss, whinging dour Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson 'having a word' with him last season. A word which, seemingly, hasn't done much good. The ex-Watford and Aston Villains winger was criticised by some for penalties The Scum were awarded against Queens Park Strangers and Villa last season, prompting Ferguson to take action. 'He understands where we come from and I hope it makes a difference,' Ferguson said in April. 'He's going to have to be careful because people are scrutinising it now.' Ferguson's successor Moyes had sympathy for Palace boss Ian Holloway. 'I don't like the rule where every time it is the last man it means it is (a red card),' said Moyes. 'I thought it was harsh. If I was Ian Holloway I would be disappointed. Okay, it might be a penalty. But I don't think the boy made a challenge to wipe him out. Unfortunately that is the rule.' Holloway himself pointedly refused to discuss the issue, having already been handed a two-match touchline ban and eighteen grand fine by the Premier League following his comments after a controversial defeat by Stottingtot Hotshots on the opening day of the season. 'My opinion doesn't count,' Holloway chundered after the game. 'I realise that now. All I can talk about is what led to it, which is us playing the occasion rather than the game. I will not get drawn into a situation where people have to make decisions and they affect me. Emotionally I am in the right place now. I would like to keep my money in the bank and pay for my own daughter's wedding this summer. I don't talk about other people's players. If you want to meet me down the pub later on I will tell you exactly what I think.' And if you believe that, dear blog reader ...

Moscow Chelski DC manager full-of-his-own-importance Jose Mourinho blamed missed chances for his side's first Premier League defeat of the season at The Everton. Steven Naismith's goal in first-half stoppage time gave Everton boss Roberto Martinez his first league win since succeeding David Moyes. 'If you don't score a goal what you create means nothing. It is a simple story,' said The Special One. 'You have to put the ball in the net. Artistic football without goals is no good. We didn't have killer instinct.' Moscow Chelski FC gave a debut to new striker Samuel Eto'o, but he was one of the main culprits of their profligacy, along with another summer arrival, Andre Schurrle. A disappointed Mourinho said afterwards: 'You can't speak about sharpness. I don't think it is a question of sharpness. The ball Schurrle passed to Eto'o in the first half was a slow pass. If it was a fast pass, Eto'o scores with an open goal but Gareth Barry got back. These kinds of details are not about sharpness of players.' Mourinho was also unhappy with the build-up to Naismith's winner, with Ashley Cole conceding a needless free-kick and Everton gaining possession after goalkeeper Petr Cech rolled the ball out. 'We are not talking about young kids,' added Mourinho, who returned to manage Moscow Chelski FC in June. 'We didn't deserve to lose because we were the best team, because we played the best football, dominated the whole game, because we had twenty one shots and we risked everything we could. In that sense it is fair to say we deserved to win the game. The other way to look at it is that a team that has twenty one shots, some of them easy shots and easy situations to score and then don't score and makes a mistake in the last minute of the first half - maybe with that I should say we deserve to lose.'

Former Premier League referee Mark Halsey says that he fears an official may commit suicide if they do not get more help to deal with the pressures of the job. And we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for them? Bollocks to that, they wanted the job in the first place. Halsey, fifty two, retired at the end of last season - the cheering across the land - and made the claim in his book, which is being serialised in the Sun, so there's overly no vast hyperbole involved here in trying to flog copies of that, oh no, very hot water. 'It will not be long before a referee has a nervous breakdown,' he claimed, like a stroppy drama queen. 'I also believe that if we do not do something to help referees with mental health and stress issues, then we could see a suicide.' In the serialisation, Halsey highlighted the case of Bundesliga referee Babak Rafati, who he explained had been found in a bath with his wrists slit before undergoing treatment for depression. Halsey complained to police after being abused on social network website Twitter last season after officiating a 2-1 win for The Scum at Liverpool Alabama Yee Haws. He sent off the Anfield side's midfielder, Jonjo Shelvey, and awarded The Scum a late penalty from which Robin van Persie scored the winner. The tweets referred to Halsey's successful treatment for throat cancer in 2009 which led to him taking a year out of the game. Halsey said that he received 'support' from some Premier League managers over his performance in that game, although feels the organisation that looks after officials - the Professional Game Match Officials Limited - could have done more. 'I got little support from my bosses apart from a call from Mike Riley, the head of the PGMOL, and one from the Select Group manager Keren Barratt asking if I wanted to come off my next game at Southampton,' claimed Halsey.
Bookmaker Paddy Power has teamed up with gay rights charity Stonewall for an advertising campaign which aims to tackle homophobia in football. Good on them. The campaign, Right Behind Gay Footballers - 'ooo, err missus' title notwithstanding - will see print adverts and billboards run with a series of provocative straplines. One advert uses the line 'Over five thousand footballers and none of them are gay? What are the odds on that?', while another runs with the message: 'We don't care which team you play for.' Rainbow laces have been sent to all Premier League and Football League clubs, plus the forty two teams in the Scottish Professional Football League, to highlight the issue. The campaign is also being pushed on social media, with the backing of supporters including Joey Barton – who has had almost one thousand retweets of his call for players to 'support the cause' by wearing the laces – Stephen Fry and Labour leader Ed Milimolimandi. 'Show that people's sexuality shouldn't be an issue. Join the rainbow laces movement,' tweeted Barton. The aim of the campaign, which has been developed by advertising agency Lucky Generals, is not to force players to 'come out' but rather to try to change attitudes in the UK. 'In most other areas of life people can be open about their sexuality and it's time for football to take a stand and show players it doesn't matter what team they play for,' said a Paddy Power spokesman. In Britain, no professional footballer has come out and continued his career since Justin Fashanu in 1990. He stopped playing in 1994, but tragically committed suicide four years later, aged just thirty seven. 'It's time for football clubs and players to step up and make a visible stand against homophobia in our national game,' said the Stonewall deputy chief executive, Laura Doughty. From The North supports this endeavour, fully.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United midfielder Yohan Cabaye has apologised to supporters (which, presumably, includes yer actual Keith Telly Topping) after refusing to play for the club last month. Cabaye, twenty seven, missed a 0-0 draw against The Hamsters after the Magpies rejected a ten million quid summer bid for him from The Arse. The French international stayed at St James' Park and made his first start of the season in a 2-1 win at Aston Villains on Saturday. 'If the fans were, or still are, mad at me for what happened, then I understand and I apologise to them,' said Cabaye. 'I want to come back from what has happened.' Before refusing to play against The Hamsters, Cabaye had missed Newcastle's opening Premier League game - a 4-0 defeat at Sheikh Yer Man City - and was subsequently absent from their 2-0 Capital One Cup victory at Morecambe. He'd apparently, been told they were playing 'And Wise', instead. He came on as a substitute in the 1-0 win over Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance on 31 August and started at the Villa. Cabaye insisted that he is 'happy' at Newcastle - at least, until January - and that he would 'give everything' for the club for the rest of the season - or, at least, until January - as he targeted securing a place in France's squad for the World Cup next summer, if his country qualify. 'In your career, you do not have a career without bad moments,' he added. 'I have moved on and now in my head I just want to work really hard, to get back in the team every week and to help the team - that is the most important thing for me. I want to forget what happened during the summer, I want to put it behind me and give everything for Newcastle every day, for the club and for my team-mates.'

The 2022 World Cup in Qatar must switch to winter, according to FIFA's own medical chief. Michel D'Hooghe, the chairman of the FIFA's medical committee, will advise that the risks posed to supporters by extreme heat are 'too great.' Odious, risible waste-of-space Sepp Blatter already supports a move away from the traditional summer staging, when temperatures can reach as high as fifty degrees in Qatar. 'The World Cup is about more than games and players,' said D'Hooghe. Qatar has a hot desert climate with daytime temperatures usually peaking at forty two degrees Celsius during June and July. It doesn't tend get much cooler overnight as temperatures typically don't fall below thirty degrees. The climate during November and December is similar to that of a European summer where the average daytime temperature is around twenty six degrees with the chance of a little rain at times too. 'I am sure the Qataris have the technical skill to organise a tournament where teams could play and train in a stable, acceptable temperature, but it's about the fans. They will need to travel from venue to venue and I think it's not a good idea for them to do that in temperatures of forty seven degrees or more.' The Premier League has opposed a proposed move to November or December 2022, which would disrupt the English domestic season. However, the European Club Association, which represents some of the continent's top teams, has said that it is 'open' to the switch, while the Football Association's chairman Greg Dyke has said that a summer tournament would be 'impossible' in the Middle East. Hassan al-Thawadi, the head of Qatar's 2022 bid, has rejected suggestions that the tournament should be moved to another host nation rather than be rescheduled. 'I'd like to assure everybody that it is not an impossibility to host the World Cup in Qatar in the summer,' he told BBC Sport earlier in September. 'A summer World Cup is what we bid for - it's the original plan - and we are going for it and we are moving ahead with it.' FIFA's executive committee is expected to agree in principle to move the World Cup to the winter when they meet in early October before starting a six-month exercise to work out how it will affect the international calendar and domestic leagues.

Australia's football chief, Frank Lowy, says that his country's Football Federation may seek compensation if the 2022 World Cup is switched to the winter. Australia was one of four countries which lost out to Qatar, despite spending over twenty five million smackers on its bid. 'Australia invested heavily in the World Cup process,' Lowy said. 'Since December 2010, Australia has been careful not to let its misgivings about the process be interpreted as sour grapes.' You sense a but coming here, don't you dear blog reader? 'But now, with increasing speculation about a change that will impact on us as one of the bidding nations, and because our competition will be affected, we have made our position public.' An FFA statement also asked FIFA to 'look' at awarding 'just and fair compensation' - mucho wonga, in other words - to those nations which 'invested many millions, and national prestige, in bidding for a summer event.' Qatar beat Australia, Japan, South Korea and the United States to win the right to host the 2022 World Cup. Lowy, the billionaire owner of the Westfield shopping centre empire, is also urging FIFA's executive board to not make 'a quick decision' about moving the tournament to a date when the weather will be cooler. He said: 'Better to let the independent investigative process run its natural course and then, with those issues settled, make a clear-eyed assessment about rescheduling and its consequences.'

Tuesday 3 September 2013

If You Want Entertainment, Go To The Circus To See The Clowns

Premier League clubs spent a record six hundred and thirty million quid in the summer transfer window, according to Deloitte's Sports Business Group. The previous record of five hundred million notes was set in 2008. The transfer window closed at 23:00 on Monday. Among the big signings on Monday was Mesut Özil who is going from Real Madrid to The Arse for just over fort two million smackers. The Scum left it late in the day to sign Marouane Fellaini for twenty seven and a half million knicker from Everton. 'The story of this summer transfer window is of new records: a new record for Premier League spending as well as a new world transfer record fee,' said Dan Jones at Deloitte. The record transfer fee was for Gareth Bale, who was sold to Real Madrid by Stottingtot Hotshots for eighty five million wonga. Premier League clubs are flush with cash from their latest domestic three-year TV deal. BT has spent seven hundred and thirty eight million quid over three years for the rights to thirty eight live matches a season, while Sky paid £2.3bn for one hundred and sixteen matches a season. 'Testament to the impact this is having is in the scale of Premier League gross spending, as well as the gulf in net spending between the Premier League and other European leagues,' said Alex Thorpe at Deloitte. 'Whereas many clubs around Europe have been reliant on selling players in order to spend, the financial advantages Premier League clubs enjoy has enabled net spending of four hundred million smackers across the league.' Although they have not matched the Premier League, spending in other major European leagues has also been up. La Liga and Serie A each had gross spending of three hundred and thirty five million notes, followed by Ligue 1 in France with three hundred and fifteen million and Germany's Bundesliga with two hundred and thirty million.

Meanwhile, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies sent not a penny. Nada. Zilch. Nowt. Not a sausage. Bugger all. The club's director of sod-all, risible Joe Kinnear, was the main target for supporters' incandescent fury following a summer in which he had lots to say for himself and his own abilities in 'opening doors' for the club but has appeared utterly incapable of doing the job for which he was appointed to carry out by owner greedy lard-bucket Mike Ashley in June. Risible Kinnear's main responsibility is, allegedly, player recruitment, but despite ending last season looking for two strikers, a centre-back and a winger, manager Alan Pardew has been given just one new player, the forward Loïc Rémy, who has signed on loan at St James’ Park from Queens Park Strangers and who is currently on poice bail regarding allegations of rape (allegations which, it is important to note, he denies). Despite reported interest in Lyon forward Bafétimbi Gomis, Moscow Chelski's Demba Ba, Blackpool's Tom Ince, Lille's Florian Thauvin and Wigan Not-Very-Athletic's James McCarthy, Newcastle have not signed any of them. Or anybody else for that matter. Pardew his very self was careful not to publicly criticise risible Kinnear's efforts as deadline day approached - keeping his powder dry for a potential forthcoming constructive dismissal industrial tribunal hearing, no doubt - but he steadfastly maintained that he wanted to add at least 'one or two offensive players' to his paper-thin squad. The failure to do that means Newcastle are short of cover and competition for places, a weakness which contributed to the club's dangerous brush with relegation at the back end of the very disappointing last season. Since then, three of the first team squad (Danny Simpson, Steve Harper and James Perch) have left, along with a number of younger fringe players on loan and none have been replaced. At the very least, Newcastle's failure to sign some new players reeks of a crass lack of ambition. Many are asking just what, exactly, Kinnear is doing at Newcastle to justify his salary and his existence. A slow but effective conveyor belt of players had been brought in over the last three seasons, all spotted by the club's acclaimed chief scout Graham Carr with former chairman Derek Llambias the man to get the financials signed and sealed only to be closed down and mothballed by the bumbling Kinnear. Pardew will certainly not be happy, but he has been here before and as the public face of the Ashley regime he will be expected to offer the usual excuses designed to appease disgruntled Newcastle supporters. Given the club boasted of a record - and quite disgraceful - shirt sponsorship deal with Internet loan company Wonga this season, and with an extra thirty million smackers in television revenue, Newcastle fans are perhaps justified in wondered where, exactly, all of the money has gone. Many fear that Ashley is more interested in taking coin out of the club to pay back the interest-fee loans – totalling more than one hundred  million quid – which he provided during his first three years as owner to cover debts and the cost of relegation to the Championship in 2009. Pardew will also have to work hard to ensure that Yohan Cabaye is fully committed to the Newcastle cause. The French midfielder had been angling for a move for several months, but with three years left on his contract and with the Tyneside club asking for twenty  million knicker to part with him, he has not got his wish, despite effectively going on strike last week to try to force a way out.