Dry Bones In The Arid Desert Sands

That bastion of always truthful and accurate reportage, the Sun, has claimed that Mike Ashley 'has agreed' to sell this blogger's beloved (though, until now unsellable) Newcastle United for three hundred and fifty million knicker. To someone whom the Sun stated was 'the cousin of Sheikh Yer Man City's Arab owner, Sheikh Mansour.' Doubt has since been cast on any family relationship between the two men. Justin Allen's article claims that 'contracts have been signed and submitted to the Premier League' between Ashley and the Dubai-based billionaire Sheikh Khaled bin Zayed Al Nehayan. He is described as 'a senior member of the Abu Dhabi royal family' and, last year, failed in a two billion smackers takeover of Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws. The Magpies have been subject of previous, but unsuccessful, takeover attempts from the likes of Amanda Staveley and Peter Kenyon. But, the Sun alleges - with, it should be noted, absolutely no supporting evidence - that Ashley 'has now decided to end his twelve years in control on Tyneside.' One of the Sheikh's first jobs, the Sun adds, will be to tie down manager Rafa Benitez to a new contract, with talks between Rafa The Gaffer and Ashley's people having dragged on far longer than was expected. Sheikh Khaled, the Sun claims, 'is ready to provide funds to bolster a limited squad that has done well to stay in the Premier League after years of under-investment under Ashley.' Ashley first put the club up for sale in 2008 after then manager Kevin Keegan walked out after a bust-up about transfers - which was the first of three occasions (that we know about) Ashley has tried to get rid of the club. The Newcastle owner allegedly missed the chance to potentially sell The Magpies to Sheikh Mansour after refusing to meet him in 2008 before he took over at Sheikh Yer Man City. 'It appears Ashley is not allowing lightning to strike twice now with his cousin's group,' the Sun suggest. Sheikh Khaled, aged sixty one, is president of the UAE Sailing and Rowing Federation but has always had a keen interest in football and, the Sun claims, 'loves the Premier League.' He is founder of the Bin Zayed Group - a leading group of businesses with diverse interests in the local and international markets. Newcastle fans are desperate for success having not won a major trophy since the Fairs Cup in 1969. Ashley has had a toxic relationship with the fans and angered them not just with his lack of funds for new signings but when renaming St James' Park, the Sports Direct Stadium, after his sportswear company. Both the Shields Gazette and the Daily Scum Mail - two other media outlets that this blogger would trust about as far as he can comfortably spit - also cover the story, citing alleged (though anonymous and, therefore, probably fictitious) alleged 'sources' allegedly 'close' to the Sheikh as allegedly confirming the deal has been 'concluded.' As for whether this story is true or not this blogger would like all dear blog readers to make a sentence from the following words: 'See it', 'believe it', when I' and 'I'll'. Indeed, it didn't take very long on Monday morning before both the Evening Chronicle and the Daily Torygraph were busy pouring cold water on the hot coals of rampant speculation. Although the idea of The Toon's matches against Sheikh Yer Man City at St James' and The Etihad next season becoming, effectively, 'the Abu Dhabi-derby' is, admittedly, an amusing conceit. Time will tell, dear blog reader. It usually does.

Plans to expand the 2022 World Cup to forty eight teams have been abandoned by FIFA. President Gianni Infantino said last year that the expansion from thirty two teams could be brought forward from 2026 to the 2022 tournament in Qatar. The change would have required Qatar to share hosting duties with other countries in the region. World football's governing body claimed that after 'a thorough and comprehensive consultation process' the change 'could not be made now.' FIFA also said that it explored the possibility of Qatar hosting a forty eight-team tournament on its own but has decided not to pursue those plans as there was 'not enough time for a detailed assessment of the potential logistical impact.' In a statement, Qatari World Cup organisers said: 'Qatar had always been open to the idea of an expanded tournament in 2022 had a viable operating model been found and had all parties concluded that an expanded forty eight-team edition was in the best interest of football and Qatar as the host nation. With just three-and-a-half years to go until kick-off, Qatar remains as committed as ever to ensuring the thirty two-team World Cup in 2022 is one of the best tournaments ever and one that makes the entire Arab world proud.' In November, UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin said adding sixteen teams to Qatar 2022 could create 'many problems' and described the idea as 'quite unrealistic.' Those close to the Qatar 2022 organisers say that this is 'a mutual decision' which 'realigns' them and FIFA and that they are now concentrating on delivering the best possible thirty two-team World Cup. But it will also have come as a major relief to the hosts, who no longer have to worry about sharing football's showpiece event. Perhaps with the Nobel Peace Prize in mind, Infantino had pushed for an expansion against Qatar's wishes, hoping it may help heal diplomatic tensions in the region by staging some games in other countries, but he has now had to admit defeat. With Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain all maintaining a blockade of neighbouring Qatar, such an audacious move was never realistically going to be straightforward. The crisis left only Kuwait and Oman as potential co-hosts, but a FIFA study concluded that neither would meet all logistical requirements. Infantino has previously collaborated with Saudi Arabia when proposing a revamped Club World Cup and many suspected this was linked to his suggestion that the country could be part of the solution for an expanded 2022 tournament. But, given the condemnation that followed the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the country's consulate in Istanbul last year, along with its role in Yemen's bloody civil war, such a step would have sparked a major backlash from human rights campaigners, as it would have done if the UAE had been awarded games. So, while some national football associations and Infantino will no doubt be disappointed at the news, many others will welcome it. Why does FIFA want to expand the World Cup, you may be wondering. Greed, basically. In January 2017, FIFA voted unanimously in favour of increasing the World Cup to forty eight teams for the 2026 event - which will be held in the United States, Canada and Mexico. In October 2018 Infantino said 'we have to see if it is possible' to bring the expansion forward to 2022. Infantino has been a strong advocate of the expansion and said the World Cup has to be 'more inclusive.' And, more profitable, obviously. 'We are in the Twenty First Century and we have to shape the World Cup of the Twenty First Century,' he said when announcing the change. 'It is the future. Football is more than just Europe and South America, football is global.' The expansion in 2026 will see an initial stage of sixteen groups of three teams precede a knockout stage for the remaining thirty two. The number of tournament matches will rise to eighty, from sixty four, but the eventual winners will still play only seven games. The tournament will be completed within thirty two days - a measure to appease powerful European clubs, who objected to reform because of a crowded international schedule.

Tranmere Rovers earned a spot in League One thanks to Connor Jennings' last-gasp extra-time layoff winner against ten-man Newport County at Wembley. Jennings headed home Jake Caprice's cross to break the resistance of a Newport side who battled with great spirit despite a numerical disadvantage. An even contest swung decisively in Tranmere's favour when County captain Mark O'Brien was sent off for a second bookable offence in the eighty ninth minute. It compounded Newport's misery as Michael Flynn's side felt they were denied a clear penalty just moments earlier when Emmanuel Monthe appeared to foul Newport forward Jamille Matt. Rovers' win was their second play-off final success in as many years.

Charlton Not Very Athletic scored with virtually the last kick of the game as they recovered from conceding an extraordinary early own goal to beat Blunderland in the League One play-off final at Wembley and, as a consequence, condemn The Mackem Filth to another season in the third tier of English fitba. Addicks defender Patrick Bauer had an initial header blocked from a cross, but was on hand to scramble home the rebound to take Charlton into the Championship after three years in League One. Early on, Charlton's centre-back Naby Sarr's powerful back-pass was completely missed by goalkeeper Dillon Phillips, who then watched helplessly as the ball roll into his net to give Blunderland the lead. But Lee Bowyer's side got a foothold in the game and levelled when Lyle Taylor put in a low cross for Ben Purrington to score at the back post. The game looked destined for extra time after a second half with no meaningful efforts on target, but a Charlton overload at the back post in the fourth and final minute of stoppage time gave Bauer two opportunities to score a dramatic winner. Defeat means that Blunderland, relegated in each of the past two seasons, are resigned to a second year in League One football at The Stadium Of Plight after a second Wembley final defeat in the space of but fifty six days.

A giant sausage was among items thrown into the disabled section at Old Trafford by West Hamsters United fans during the Premier League game on 13 April. The Scum have 'experienced problems' protecting supporters in that area of the ground, particularly against Paris St-Germain in February. Fans ripped the netting, designed to stop missiles entering the area, during their Champions League visit. Talks are currently ongoing in order to 'find a long-term solution to the problem.' The disabled section at Old Trafford is situated directly below the away fans' section in the South East corner of the stadium and at a recent fans' forum, a Manchester United Disabled Supporters Association representative highlighted the scale of the issue. They said: 'The West Ham game resulted in a number of missiles being thrown into the disabled section. These included plastic clubs filled with liquid, cigarette lighters and various items of food, including a giant sausage.' Also at the forum, The Scum revealed that, despite last season's disappointing sixth-place finish, they sold all fifty two thousand season tickets in record time and it is understood seventy five thousand people are on the club's season ticket waiting list.

Coventry City say they have a "'roundshare venue and agreement in place' for next season if they are unable to stay at The Ricoh Arena. A planned vote of English Football League clubs regarding Coventry's place in the league has now been cancelled. Coventry, owners Sisu and rugby union club Wasps - who own The Ricoh - are currently 'in talks' over The Sky Blues staying at the ground, which is Coventry's preferred option. But their ongoing legal case is causing problems with those negotiations. A groundshare agreement with Birmingham City has been widely reported but, when contacted by the BBC, Coventry 'would not confirm' that the deal could see them playing at St Andrew's next season because of 'a confidentiality agreement.' Earlier this month, League One City's owners whinged to the European Commission about the sale of the stadium to Wasps in 2014 - with Coventry later saying that the complaint is only against Coventry City Council and does not involve Wasps. However, that move prompted Wasps - who have asked Sisu to cease all legal proceedings surrounding the sale - to discontinue discussions with The Sky Blues over the continued use of the ground, stating 'the ball is back in the court' of Sisu. Although a rugby club using a tennis metaphor in relation to football some may regard as being a wee bit arch. Sisu claims The Ricoh was 'undervalued' by twenty eight million smackers and is asking the Commission to see if the deal breaks state-aid rules. Coventry said in a statement on Sunday: 'We understand the frustration that fans are feeling and have expressed to us, at not knowing where their club will be playing next season, not being able to plan for next season and supporting Mark Robins and the team and the time that this is taking.' The Sky Blues relocated from Highfield Road to The Ricoh Arena in 2005 but, following a dispute with the company that ran the stadium, spent the 2013-14 season groundsharing with Northampton Town before returning to The Ricoh in August 2014. EFL clubs were due to vote on Coventry's future on 29 May and they could, in theory, have been expelled from the league if they had been unable to agree a deal to stay at The Ricoh or found an alternative venue.

Gatesheed have been suspended from the National League and refused a licence for next season. The fifth-tier club have reportedly breached the league's rules on financial reporting and permitted loans, as well as defaulting on football creditors. At a disciplinary hearing The Heed were found very guilty of failing to obtain security of tenure over their ground. The club have also been fined three-and-a-half grand and docked nine points from this season meaning they drop from ninth to seventeenth. It is not yet clear how the league will be re-organised, although Gatesheed can appeal to the Football Association over the suspension. If the club appeal and are unsuccessful, they face the prospect of a drop of at least two divisions, with the sanction also applying to the National League North - the tier below. BBC Newcastle reports that a takeover of the club by supporters from owner Doctor Ranjan Varghese had been agreed this week, but is not yet complete. Varghese had said in March that he had agreed a deal to sell the club to former Rochdale chairman Chris Dunphy, but no further progress was made. In a season of turmoil off the field, Steve Watson resigned as manager in January to take over at York City, while his successor Ben Clark was sacked at the end of a campaign in which they finished ninth. They were also evicted from the International Stadium, which they lease from Gatesheed Council, although they were allowed to play out the season at their ground. The Heed currently have but one player left contracted, Scott Barrow, but he will leave when his deal expires next month. Players had seen their wages paid late and one member of staff claims that she was sacked by Doctor Varghese by text message. Fans group Gateshead Soul, who helped pay for food and transport for unpaid players, still hope they can rescue the club and run it on a fan-owned model.

Cove Rangers have become the SPFL's newest side and ended Berwick Rangers' sixty eight-year stay in Scotland's senior leagues by earning a League Two place. Leading four-nil following last week's first leg, Cove extended their aggregate advantage through Jamie Masson. Berwick's misery continued just on half-time as Ross Brown was dismissed for a foul on Mitch Megginson. And Jordon Brown and Paul McManus netted to give Highland League winners Cove a seven-nil aggregate win. Last year's beaten finalists become the first Highland League side to enter the Scottish Professional Football League since the new Pyramid and League Two play-offs were introduced in 2014. Berwick face relegation to the Lowland League, with their chairman in-waiting John Bell telling BBC Scotland before Saturday's second leg that the club were 'prepared for it but it's not a place we want to be.' Their relegation means that there will no longer be an English-based team in the Scottish Professional Football League next season.

Glasgow Celtic secured a historic treble of domestic trophies for the third consecutive season as Odsonne Edouard's two goals overcame Heart of Midlothian in the Scottish Cup final. Neil Lennon has now led Celtic to a league and cup double after succeeding Brendan Rodgers mid-season and has been offered the manager's job permanently. His side overcame the setback of Ryan Edwards' second-half strike. Edouard equalised from the penalty spot before coolly hitting the winner. The Edinburgh side fought hard for an equaliser of their own in the closing stages, but Celtic stood firm to establish a new mark of triumph in the history of Scottish football. The final whistle brought an emotional response from Lennon on the touchline for a victory that also means Aberdeen qualify for the Europa League instead of Hearts having come fourth in the Premiership. His claim to the manager's role was based on his experience of leading the club to success during a previous spell, of being able to urge and cajole players to deliver the best of themselves during the uncertainty that followed Rodgers' departure for Leicester - and this cup victory was built on the resilience of his players.

Fußball-Club Bayern München clinched their twelfth domestic double by beating RB Leipzig three-nil in the German Cup final. Bayern went ahead through Robert Lewandowski's header before Kingsley Coman's brilliant control and shot made it two-nil in the second half. Lewandowski then added a late third with a deft chip over Peter Gulacsi. Bayern were crowned Bundesliga champions for the seventh successive season last Saturday. Leipzig, who started the better of the sides, did have chances at Berlin's Olympiastadion but an inspired Manuel Neuer stood in their way. The German international goalkeeper, who was making his first appearance since 14 April, was alert to tip Yussuf Poulsen's header onto the bar in the opening moments and he made a fine stop to deny Emil Forsberg early in the second half, too. But there were other chances for Bayern as Gulacsi saved well to keep out a swerving effort from Mats Hummels while Arjen Robben, who was making his final Bayern appearance, blasted over from close range. There was also a farewell outing for Franck Ribery who, like Robben, will leave Bayern this summer. But Rafinha, who is also parting ways with Bayern, was forced to watch on from the substitutes bench. Success in the DFB Pokal means Niko Kovac has led Bayern to a domestic double in his first season at the helm, one year on from beating them in the final when the Croatian managed Eintracht Frankfurt.

Kevin Gameiro and Rodrigo scored as a valiant Valencia beat La Liga champions Barcelona to win the Copa del Rey. Ernesto Valverde's men said in the build-up that a win would help ease some of the pain of the Champions League loss to Liverpool Alabama YeeHaws, but they were sub-par again, in the Seville heat. French forward Gameiro fired in a superb strike to give Valencia the lead before Rodrigo headed in the second. Lionel Messi's seventy-third minute strike gave Barca hope but they fell short. After the match, Barcelona president Josep Maria Bartomeu backed Valverde to continue at the Nou Camp. 'I've always said that Ernesto has a contract for the next season, he's the coach,' he said. 'I do not think this defeat is the coach's fault.' Valverde said: 'When a coach loses you want to go again, to fight to overcome the next challenge. I know losing for this club is hard.' Temperatures reached North of thirty degrees inside Real Betis' packed Estadio Benito Villamarin, but only one side wilted. There was a sign of things to come when, in the eighth minute, Barcelona defender Clement Lenglet was lucky to escape being punished for a woeful pass. His ball along his own area was picked up by Rodrigo, but fortunately for the Frenchman his centre-back partner Gerard Pique was on hand to clear the Spain international's shot off the line.

Atalanta manager Gian Piero Gasperini blamed a 'scandal' as his side were denied their first trophy since 1963 by Lazio in the Coppa Italia final. Marten De Roon's shot hit the hands of defender Bastos but no VAR decision was given, before Sergej Milinkovic-Savic and Joaquin Correa scored. 'Are we meant to only use VAR when it's handy? It was a penalty and a red card,' Gasperini whinged. 'This is a scandal! Tell me why it happened? Give me some justification.' The game was goalless when former Middlesbrough Smog Monsters midfielder De Roon's shot was deflected on to the post by the hands of Bastos - who had already been booked. Milinkovic-Savic came off the bench to head in the opener before Correa ran clear to wrap the game up in stoppage time. Lazio will now play in next season's Europa League. 'This is very serious,' Gasperini blubbed like a big girl. 'That was going into the goal, it was clearly deflected. This incident is absolutely worthy of a VAR review. It might not have been seen by the referee and, indeed, I didn't see it either, but the VAR? I want those officials in the booth to come here and explain to me what they saw. The only possible explanation is they had a blackout and couldn't see the screen. Either that or they just closed their eyes and looked the other way. Maybe we wouldn't have won anyway, but it's really ugly to see this. It's ugly. It shows no respect at all for the Atalanta supporters.' Third-placed Atalanta can still secure Champions League football for the first time if they win their last game - against Sassuolo, having recently drawn with The Shitty Hunchbacks to leapfrog both of the Milan clubs. But, their chance of silverware is gone for another year as Lazio edged an ill-tempered game littered with bookings. Seven-time winners Lazio last won the cup in 2013.

The New Saints have secured a position as one of the top sixteen seeds for next season's Champions League preliminary qualifying round draw. The Welsh League champions and double winners had their seeded position in next month's first qualifying round draw confirmed after Champions League finalists Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Stottingtot Hotshots finished the Premier League season inside the top four. Scott Ruscoe's Welsh double winners were top seeds for the first qualifying round during the season just ended out but lost to Macedonian outfit Shkendija. They will avoid the likes of Glasgow Celtic, Red Star Belgrade and BATE Borisov. The draw takes place on 18 June. Which, obviously, led to dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions.

Gareth Bale's future as a Real Madrid player continues to be the subject of daily speculation. The Welshman has reportedly said that he is happy to stay, but the fans of Real have, reportedly, made their feelings on the matter pretty clear. This week Spanish newspaper AS conducted a vote where supporters could decide whether each player should stay or leave. The paper reports that almost five million fans took part and whilst Bale is by no means the only player they voted to show the door, the numbers are pretty damning: ninety one per cent said they want him - and his daft haircut - gone. Real Madrid have endured, by their standards, a disastrous season. They lost twelve league games and finished nineteen points behind champions Barcelona while their Champions League campaign was halted at the round of sixteen stage by Ajax Amsterdam. Bale appears to have borne the brunt of the fans' frustrations. In March he was jeered when he was substituted in the home defeat by Barca and in Real's final league match this season - a dismal defeat by Real Betis - he went straight down the tunnel without acknowledging the home support. Although the Madrid fans haven't resorted to their infamous show of disgust just yet - waving white handkerchiefs - this public poll is hardly going to make Bale's already frosty relationship with the Real faithful any better. But, according to Spanish radio station Radioestadio, Bale has told team-mates: 'I've got three years left on my contract. If they want me to go, they'll need to pay me fifteen million pounds per season. If not, I'll stay here. And if I have to play golf, I will.' He is not the only person in football to be told to leave by the supporters. Earlier this month Bale's former Wales boss Chris Coleman was, in rather more polite terms, told that his time was up with Hebei China Fortune. Coleman presided over a run of one win in nine games, prompting the fans to unfurl a banner which read: 'Hello Mister Coleman, please go home! You're fired!!!' In Chinese it added: 'Coleman, your mum wants you home for dinner.' The protest David Moyes was subjected to during his spell as The Scum's manager were also memorable. A banner with 'Wrong One - Moyes Out' printed in seven-foot high red lettering was flown above Old Trafford before United's home win over Aston Villains. Yet the response inside the stadium that day was, broadly, one of support. But these examples pale in comparison to what Arsene Wenger had to endure towards the end of his twenty two-year stint as The Arse's manager. As well as a weekly diatribe on the fans' YouTube channel AFTV and countless news stories on the subject, 'Wenger Out' signs and banners began popping up in the most unexpected places all over the world. A Jeremy Corbyn rally, a basketball match in Saudi Arabia, a protest for Lebanese engineers in Beirut, a Coldplay concert in Singapore, even WrestleMania in Florida were all used as platforms to promote the 'Wenger Out' message. If Bale is intent on seeing out the rest of his Real contract, with the majority of fans calling for his exit, protests could reach Wenger-level once more.

A French judge has charged the president of Paris Saint-Germain, Nasser Al-Khelaifi, with corruption over Qatari bids to host the world athletics championships. Judicial 'sources' quoted by AFP news agency said that the case focused on the championships held in 2017 and 2019. Khelaifi, who is also the owner of Qatari TV channel BeIn Sports, has been under investigation since March. Two payments totalling over two million quid, made in 2011, are under scrutiny. London won the bidding to host the championships in 2017, but Qatar is hosting this year's championships in September and October. It is alleged that the payments were made by Oryx Qatar Sports Investment to another firm run by the son of Lamine Diack, ex-president of the IAAF, the world athletics governing body. French prosecutors allege Khelaifi approved the payment, but his lawyers deny that he was either a director or a shareholder in 2011. They say he only had shares in the company between 2013 and 2016. Lamine Diack was charged with corruption in March in relation to the case, while an arrest warrant has been issued for his Senegal-based son, Papa Massata Diack. Lamine Diack was IAAF chief from 1999 to 2015. The French term 'mis en examen' - meaning 'charged' in English - does not automatically trigger a trial, but it means that prosecutors 'strongly suspect wrongdoing' and naughty nefarious malarkey afoot. In a statement Khelaifi's lawyers said that the allegations were 'inaccurate' and that he 'had not validated any payment of any kind whatsoever' in relation to the allegations. Another BeIn Sports executive, Yousef Al-Obaidly, is also under investigation in France over the awarding of the 2017 championships. He is a PSG board member. Obaidly, quoted by his lawyer, called the allegations 'utterly baseless and unsubstantiated' and said that he would contest them. In January, Khelaifi was elected to the executive committee of European football's governing body UEFA. They told the BBC UEFA is 'monitoring the situation.' In a statement, the IAAF said: 'We continue to be available to the French prosecutor to share any information that may assist the investigation. However, we have not seen the specific indictments referred to by the media. The dates published in the media appear to coincide with the bidding timetable for the 2017 IAAF World Championships which were awarded to London. The 2019 World Championships bid process began in February 2014 with a decision in November 2014. Our rights holder for the region was and still is, Abu Dhabi Media, who signed as a partner in January 2014.' A lawyer for Khelaifi denied any and all wrongdoing on the part of his client, saying that the Oryx payments were 'fully transparent. Nasser Al-Khelaifi was neither a shareholder, nor a director of Oryx in 2011. He did not intervene either directly or indirectly in the candidature of Doha,' he said. PSG won the French Ligue Un championship this season, but were knocked out of the Champions League by The Scum and lost the Coupe De France final to Rennes on penalties in April.

The artist behind a new statue of George Best has defended his depiction of the famous footballer, after it was criticised on social media. The main whinged was that it does not bear any resemblance to the Northern Ireland and The Scum striker. Many suggested it looks more like Pat Jennings, Best's former international teammate, who unveiled it. However, artist Tony Currie has claimed that it had the seal of approval from Best's family and that was what mattered. 'Everyone is entitled to their opinion,' he told the BBC. 'But anybody important to the statue, his family and his fans, they've all agreed that it's a good likeness and that's good enough for me.' The sculpture was unveiled at Belfast's Windsor Park on Wednesday. The whinging began not long afterwards. Currie said it had been his own idea to create a statue of one of Belfast's most famous sons. 'I thought, who is the best known figure in this wee country that hasn't had a statue put up of them? The first name that came into my head was Geordie Best. I tried to make a clay model of his head and showed it to friends and family and they all thought it was a good likeness,' he said. Currie then worked alongside a welder who welded a skeleton and built the clay on top. 'We were just doing it in our spare time and I funded it myself from the start,' he said. 'Towards the end we wanted to sound out if there was enough goodwill amongst the people of Belfast.' Currie put out a crowdfunding appeal and raised just over two grand. 'That helped a great deal buying the raw materials because bronze is expensive,' he said.

Hit For Six

Sheikh Yer Man City rounded off an outstanding domestic season by crushing Watford at Wembley to clinch a historic treble. Raheem Sterling and Gabriel Jesus both scored twice as Pep Guardiola's team became the first English men's side to achieve the feat of winning the Premier League, the FA Cup and the Carabao Cup in the same season. They reaffirmed their status as this season's dominant force as Watford were utterly outclassed, City achieving the biggest FA Cup final win since Bury beat Derby six-nil in 1903. Watford's best chance of over-turning the odds came early on when City keeper Ederson saved at the feel of Roberto Pereyra and they were furious when referee Kevin Friend waved away penalty claims after Vincent Kompany blocked Abdoulaye Doucoure's shot with his arm (albeit, with his back turned). The contest was effectively over from the moment David Silva finished from close range after twenty six minutes, Jesus doubling the advantage before half-time after Bernardo Silva's sublime pass. Watford rallied briefly after the break but were always wide open to the counter attack. They were brutally punished by an imperious City side, as substitute Kevin de Bruyne scored from Jesus's pass just after the hour before the Brazilian raced clear for another goal shortly afterwards. Sterling scored twice in the final ten minutes - turning in Bernardo Silva's perfect cross before bundling in the final goal of a memorable display from Guardiola's side. It was City's sixth FA Cup triumph and their first under Guardiola, who has now won six trophies since taking over at The Etihad Stadium in 2016. City's win means that Wolves, who finished seventh in the Premier League table, will play in the two-legged second qualifying round of the Europa League on 25 July and 1 August. City claimed their first league and FA Cup double - the first time it has been achieved since Moscow Chelski FC did it under Carlo Ancelotti in 2010. This comprehensive triumph, however, was about even more than that. The securing of three trophies underscores the scale of City's achievement - and emphasises the hunger and desire which has driven them this season, notably to finish ahead of Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in a relentless Premier League title race. Their ability to move to another level when required was on show here at they resisted Watford's early promise - and then brushed them aside. They refused to ease up when Watford were down and out, pressing forward until the final whistle, with substitute John Stones only being denied by the bar in the final seconds as City almost became the first team in win an FA Cup final by seven goals. And it was all achieved without leading goalscorer Sergio Aguero, restricted to a place on the bench alongside De Bruyne, Stones and Leroy Sane. After securing the Premier League title at Brighton & Hove Albinos last weekend, Guardiola stated that he is 'addicted' to winning. This was a performance of class and quality from a team that looks in shape to satisfy the Catalan's craving for years to come.

UEFA investigators reportedly want Sheikh Yer Man City to be extremely banned from the Champions League for a season if they are found guilty of breaking financial rules. However, according to one allegedly 'well-placed source', a final decision is 'yet to be made' by chief investigator Yves Leterme. The former Belgian prime minister, chairman of the investigatory panel of UEFA's independent financial control board, is set to make a recommendation this week. With no vote in such cases, the final decision lies with him. But several of his colleagues are 'understood' to have firmly 'expressed the view' at a recent meeting that a season-long ban would be a suitable punishment if Sheikh Yer Man City are found very guilty according to BBC Sports. Leterme and his team have been looking at evidence first uncovered in a series of leaks published by the German newspaper Der Spiegel last year. The reports alleged that Sheikh Yer Man City had broken Financial Fair Play regulations by artificially 'inflating' the value of a multimillion-pound sponsorship deal. City were fined forty nine million knicker in 2014 for a previous breach of same regulations. The Premier League champions denied any wrongdoing and UEFA said that it 'could not comment on an ongoing investigation.' But, according to the New York Times, investigators now want rules upheld and City punished with a ban. UEFA's adjudicatory chamber would have to decide whether it agreed with any recommendation from Leterme although it is unlikely to apply to next season's competition because City could, and probably will, appeal and even take their case to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. But it would still be a major blow for a club desperate to win Europe's most prestigious club competition for the first time and who could also soon face a transfer ban, with the FA, Premier League and FIFA also currently investigating Sheikh Yer Man City over their signing of youth players. A statement from Sheikh Yer Man City said that the club is 'fully cooperating in good faith with the CFCB IC's ongoing investigation. In doing so the club is reliant on both the CFCB IC's independence and commitment to due process; and on UEFA's commitment of the 7 March that it "will make no further comment on the matter while the investigation is ongoing." The New York Times report citing "people familiar with the case" is, therefore, extremely concerning. 'The implications are that either Manchester City's good faith in the CFCB IC is misplaced or the CFCB IC process is being misrepresented by individuals intent on damaging the club's reputation and its commercial interests. Or both. Manchester City's published accounts are full and complete and a matter of legal and regulatory record. The accusation of financial irregularities are entirely false, and comprehensive proof of this fact has been provided to the CFCB IC.' Financial Fair Play was introduced by UEFA to prevent clubs in its competitions from spending beyond their means and stamp out what its then president, the disgraced and disgraceful Michel Platini called 'financial doping' within football. Under the rules, financial losses are limited and clubs are also obliged to meet all their transfer and employee payment commitments at all times. Clubs need to balance football-related expenditure - transfers and wages - with television and ticket income, plus revenues raised by their commercial departments. Money spent on stadiums, training facilities, youth development or community projects is exempt. The Club Financial Control Body, set up by UEFA, has the ultimate sanction of banning clubs from UEFA competitions, with other potential punishments including warnings, fines, withholding prize money, transfer bans, points deductions, a ban on registration of new players and a restriction on the number of players who can be registered for UEFA competitions. In 2014, Qatar-owned Paris St-Germain received a similar financial punishment to the one Sheikh Yer Man City received. PSG were deemed to have breached FFP rules when the CFCB decided their back-dated one hundred and sixty seven million smackers sponsorship contract with the Qatar Tourism Authority, which wiped out their losses, had 'an unfair value.' That meant the French side exceeded allowed financial losses by a wide margin when, under FFP rules, clubs were limited to losses of thirty seven million notes over the previous two years. They received a fine, a spending cap and were only allowed to register twenty one players for the Champions League for a season. PSG also remain under investigation for their 2017-18 finances when they signed Neymar from Barcelona for a world record two hundred and twenty two million Euros and Kylian Mbappe from Monaco, initially on loan, for one hundred and eighty million Euros.

Steve Clarke's Kilmarnock clinched third place in the Scottish Premiership - and a Europa League place - after a late winner against Glasgow Rangers. The home side shrugged off the potential loss of their manager, who is favourite to be named Scotland head coach, to edge out Aberdeen. Veteran former Rangers winger Chris Burke's early strike was cancelled out by Alfredo Morelos' thundering finish. But Eamonn Brophy's late penalty sealed the victory Kilmarnock needed. It means Clarke's side stayed ahead of Aberdeen, who won at Hibernian, on goal difference and secured a return to European football for the first time since 2001. They also ended the visitors' run of seven consecutive victories as Kilmarnock finished their season with a flourish thanks to three straight wins of their own.

Fußball-Club Bayern München were crowned champions of Germany for the seventh successive season with a crushing last-day victory over Eintracht Frankfurt. Niko Kovac's side, who trailed leaders Borussia Dortmund by nine points after twelve games, needed only a draw to secure a twenty ninth Bundesliga title. Kingsley Coman opened the scoring before Sébastien Haller equalised. David Alaba, Renato Sanches, Franck Ribery and Arjen Robben made sure of Bayern's victory at The Allianz Arena. They finished two points ahead of Dortmund, who won two-nil at Borussia Mönchengladbach thanks to goals from England winger Jadon Sancho and Marco Reus. It was fitting end to Bayern's season as legends Robben and Ribery scored in what proved to be a procession to the title. The pair - with twenty two Bundesliga seasons, one hundred and eighty five goals and fifteen titles between them - started from the bench alongside full-back Rafinha, who will also leave this summer. By the time Robben and Ribery came on, Bayern were already three-one up. Bayern players embraced Robben, Ribery and Sanches at the end of the match and they were given the honour of lifting the Meisterschale trophy by captain Manuel Neuer. Bayern can complete the domestic double when they face RB Leipzig in the DFB Pokal final on 25 May.

Benfica avoided a slip-up against Santa Clara to secure their thirty seventh Portuguese league title. The Lisbon-based giants needed only a point in their final match at the (real) Stadium Of Light, with rivals FC Porto looking to take advantage of anything less. However, two goals from Swiss forward Haris Seferovic, one from Joao Felix and Rafa Silva secured a four-one victory. Porto recorded a two-one win over Sporting Lisbon in a game which saw both teams reduced to ten men. Sporting left-back Cristian Borja was shown a straight red in the twentieth minute before Luiz Phellype gave the visitors the lead. Danilo Pereira equalised in the seventy eighth minute before Hector Herrera grabbed a winner three minutes from time. Porto's Jesus Corona received two yellows in stoppage time. Benfica finished the season with eighty seven points, two ahead of Porto, who were last year's champions, with Sporting third on seventy four points.

Antoine Griezmann was jeered by his own fans as he played his final match for Atletico Madrid on Saturday. The French World Cup winner, who joined Atletico in 2014 and signed a new five-year deal last June, announced on Tuesday that he would be leaving. There were chants of, 'out, out, out' (only, you know, in Spanish - so, that'd be 'afuera, afuera, afuera' then) as Atletico trailed two-nil at Levante before goals from Sergio Camello and Rodrigo ensured a point. Rivals Barcelona will pay Griezmann's one hundred and twnety million Euro buyout clause. Wirh Barca having already won the title some weeks ago, Valencia secured the fourth Champions League spot in La Liga on Saturday. The Madrid-based side, promoted to the top flight only two seasons ago, faced Villarreal and had to better rivals' Getafe's result against Real Valladolid. Getafe drew two-two whilst Valencia recorded a two-nil win to join Barca, Atletico and Real Madrid in the Champions League. Getafe finished fifth on fifty nine points along with sixth-place Sevilla - both will play in the Europa League next season.

Ajax Amsterdam capped a memorable season with their first Dutch league title since 2014 as a four-one final-day win at De Graafschap secured a domestic double. Erik ten Hag's side - who came so close to a place in the Champions League final - needed just a point to win their thirty fourth title. First-half goals from Lasse Schone and Nicolas Tagliafico ensured that the title was added to their Dutch Cup win. Dusan Tadic then scored twice - goals in an eleventh consecutive league game. Youssef el Jebli had briefly equalised for the hosts, whose season is not over yet - they go into the relegation play-offs to try and stay in the Eredivisie. Ajax were again outstanding for long periods in the final appearance for midfielder Frenkie de Jong, who agreed to sign for Barcelona for sixty five million knicker in January, while captain Matthijs de Ligt is one of several other brilliant young stars who are also expected to leave this summer. Ajax - and more than one hundred thousand of their fans - threw the party of all parties to celebrate their victory. Huge crowds packed into Amsterdam's Museumplein to celebrate the Eredivisie win and Dutch Cup success. Indeed so many people turned out that Dutch media reported the city's Van Gogh and Stedelijk museums were closed and three secondary schools were forced to move final exams to a different location 'because of the noise.' There were also poignant moments, with Ajax dedicating their title to Abdelhak Nouri, who collapsed during a pre-season friendly against Werder Bremen in July 2017. The midfielder was airlifted from the pitch and it was later revealed he had suffered 'serious and permanent' brain damage. De Ligt also gave a moving speech referencing the late Johan Cruyff, a three-time Ballon d'Or winner and Ajax and Netherlands legend. 'We've shown everyone what Ajax is about, what kind of city Amsterdam is,' he said. PSV Eindhoven, who won three-one against Heracles Almelo, finished second and will join Ajax in next season's champions league, whilst Feyanoord (who beat Fortuna Sittard four-one despite Steven Berghuis's amusing penalty miss) and AZ 67 Alkkmaar will compete in the Europa League.

Kick It Out have 'unreservedly apologised' to Brighton & Hove Albinos following comments reportedly made by its Head of Development Troy Townsend over the dismissal of Chris Hughton. Hughton was sacked by Brighton on Monday after securing them a seventeenth-placed finish in the Premier League. Townsend criticised the decision in a Daily Torygraph interview. Kick It Out said that it apologised 'for the impact the comments have had on the club's reputation.' The anti-racism body added in a statement that it was also sorry for 'any inference' from Townsend's comments that Hughton's sacking was 'linked in any way to his ethnicity.' Hughton, who was contracted with The Seagulls until 2021, was one of just two black managers in the Premier League. The former Newcastle and Norwich boss had guided Brighton to an FA Cup semi-final earlier this season, where they lost to Shiekh Yer Man City at Wembley. Townsend, the father of Crystal Palace forward Andros, described Hughton's dismissal as 'shabby' in the interview. He said: 'We are now at worse than square one. What people don't understand is the real difficulties for black managers getting through the bottle neck at the top of football. We are talking about measly numbers. It's so shabby. What are the expectations of Brighton? Surely it is to stay in the league. You are fourth from bottom and you have got to an FA Cup semi-final. I don't get it. They must have been planning it for some time. Look at how Chris has been treated at Newcastle and Norwich and now Brighton? Being nice is his nature, but I know behind closed doors he is a different guy, he knows how to get his teams going. He has given Brighton another year of Premier League football and he gets repaid like this? Really?' Hughton first joined Brighton in December 2014 and led the club to the Premier League for the first time in 2017.

Notlob Wanderings have set up an emergency food bank with donations from local businesses to help out staff who have not been paid. During a turbulent year for the club on and off the field, non-playing employees have not been paid for April. The Trotters, who were extremely relegated to League One this season, became the first Football League club to enter administration for six years on Monday. 'We're grateful for the support,' club chaplain Phil Mason said. 'Often there is this perception that within football, people are paid a king's ransom, but of course the reality is that a lot of staff behind the scenes are on significantly low wages. They've got mortgages or rent to pay, they may have something coming up within their family and they've got food to put on the table as well as get to and from work.' It has been a tough season for the club, with players still to receive their salaries for March and April, alongside a return to League One after two unsuccessful seasons in The Championship. Businesses have helped provide toiletries and nappies, as well as tinned goods, pasta, rice, freezer meals, frozen vegetables and bread. And, The Community Trust have also been given assistance from within the wider football community, including an unnamed Championship club believed to be Preston Both Ends. 'It's tremendous that we've had support from a Championship club,' Mason told BBC Radio Manchester. 'They have donated a significant amount in terms of ASDA and Sainsbury's vouchers so we can use those in order to get additional provisions for the food supplies that we're offering to staff.' Some staff have found the ongoing problems at the club have exacerbated existing mental health issues and the Trust is offering support and counselling to those who need it. 'It's incredibly stressful for staff, there's no doubt about that,' Mason said. 'The reality is, one in three or four people will have mental health issues and they can be triggered by a whole variety of things, not least of course the fact a person has not been paid or is not sure when they will be paid. They're anxious about the future of the organisation they work for, they don't know whether they're going to be kept on or made redundant and all those issues end up in places of stress and anxiety and that has an impact upon relationships at home, at work and how they feel about themselves and their own self worth.'

A second Grasshopper Zurich match in two months has been abandoned, with the club facing relegation from the Swiss top flight for the first time in sixty eight years. Their away match against Lucerne was halted in the second half as fans threatened to invade the pitch. The twenty seven-time Swiss champions are currently bottom of the table and were losing four-nil at the time of the abandonment. Swiss media said that Grasshoppers fans demanded players hand over their shirts as they were 'not worthy to wear them.' The club said that had it decided to hand over shirts to fans 'because the situation threatened to escalate. The decision does not mean that we approve of unsportsmanlike and humanly questionable behaviour,' they said in a statement. Their match with Sion on 16 March was also abandoned in the fifty sixth minute after some fans threw fireworks on the pitch. Grasshoppers were losing two-nil at the time and Sion were subsequently awarded a three-nil win. The club, bottom of the Swiss Super League and are winless in their past seventeen games, have condemned Sunday's incident. 'It is is shameful and simply unacceptable,' they said. 'The endangerment of spectators, stadium personnel and players is not accepted by Grasshoppers. Rioters break football in this way. They once again prevented the regular course of a championship game and thus hurt Grasshoppers and Lucerne.' The Swiss Football League said: 'The referee saw the safety of the players no longer guaranteed. The SFL will provide information on how to proceed in the coming days.'

Former Wales manager Chris Coleman has been extremely sacked by Hebei China Fortune, the club he took over eleven months ago. Hebei are one place off the bottom of the Chinese Super League with only one win in nine games this season. The club confirmed Coleman's departure in a social media post. It stated: 'After friendly negotiation and agreement reached between the two parties, with immediate effect, Mister Chris Coleman will no longer serve as head coach.' As they lost three-two at home to mid-table Henan Jianye on Saturday, disaffected fans held up a banner which read: 'Hello Mister Coleman, please go home! You're fired!!!' and in Chinese said: 'Coleman, your mum wants you home for dinner.' Coleman led Wales to the Euro 2016 semi-finals, but opted not to continue as Wales manager, joining Blunderland where he was unable to save The Mackem Filth from relegation to League One. After being sacked by The Black Cats, he took over from current West Hamsters United boss Manuel Pellegrini at Hebei.

The End?

Jonjo Shelvey's fabulous strike helped yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies earn a comfortable final day of the season victory at Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance who said farewell to the Premier League with their twenty sixth defeat of the season. It was a yet another tale of good application by The Cottagers without much bite in attack and a defence that underlined why they were the worst in the league this season. As for The Magpies, these are - with some necessary qualifications - quite good times to be a Newcastle United supporter, dear blog reader. Following a squad of players who, despite not being the greatest or most talented to have ever played for this distinguished old club, at least appear to take pride in the shirt, led by an astute and popular manager, with genuine optimism this could be the start of something special on Tyneside. Yet, in the back of everyone's mind there is fear, a nagging, sickening feeling that a disaster lurks just around the corner, that Rafael Benitez will depart and plunge the club back into the sort of crippling depression which has soured so many of the twelve years that billionaire tyrant Mike Ashley has been in charge at St James' Park. The Magpies barely broke sweat in this four-nil win, producing what the Evening Chronicle described as 'a masterclass'. Rafa The Gaffer's side were two goals up in a two-minute spell early in the first-half. Shelvey ended his year-long spell without a goal with a thunderous half-volley from just inside the area before Ayoze Pérez grabbed his thirteenth goal of the season when he scored from close range after Fulham keeper Sergio Rico failed to adequately deal with Christian Atsu's shot. Fabian Schär headed The Magpies' third just after the hour before Salomón Rondón capped off an impressive display up-front with an angled strike that produced the loudest cheer of the afternoon, the twelfth goal of the season for the big on-loan striker in what could (but, hopefully won't) be his final game for Newcastle. The Magpies finish in thirteenth place with forty five points, one more than they managed last season when finishing tenth. Fulham's newly appointed manager Scott Parker (himself a former Magpies player) has been handed the task of reinvigorating an expensively-assembled outfit that many had expected to do well in the Premier League this season following their promotion from The Championship, but which in the end failed to meet acceptable standards. In the first few minutes of the match, Parker's side tested the visiting defence with balls flung in from both wings - Aleksandar Mitrovic went close with a header that drifted a foot wide of Martin Dubravka's post. The ex-Newcastle striker also had a chance with another header that should have found the target but aside from that - and a good strike by sixteen-year-old substitute Harvey Elliott - the Slovak keeper had a fairly quiet day at the office. It has been at the defence which has been been Fulham's Achilles heel all season. Every time Newcastle attacked, Fulham looked liable to concede. Rondón's late strike was the eighty first that Fulham have conceded in the league - five more than bottom club Huddersfield. Speaking to Match Of The Day, Rafa said: 'I am really pleased. This group of players from beginning until the end have worked really hard. We never gave up, even when we were safe in the last three games they were still giving everything. We have one more point than last season but couldn't finish tenth so it proves this season has been more difficult than last season.' On his forthcoming meeting with Ashley to discuss his future, he added: 'We meet, hopefully, this week and see where we are. We have plenty of time to enjoy, I have been very clear about the potential of this club. But, now is the time to enjoy.'

Meanwhile, dear blog reader, it would appear that someone working for the BBC Sport website either can't count or doesn't understand that, in football, it's the team that scores the most goals that emerges victorious.

Elsewhere, in far less important news, Sheikh Yer Man City were crowned Premier League champions for the second year running, their four-one win at Brighton & Hove Albinos on the final day meaning that they finished one point ahead of the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws. City retained their Premier League title and, finally, ended Liverpool's magnificent challenge after surviving a scare to come from behind and outclass Brighton at The Amex Stadium. Pep Guardiola's side started the day knowing that any sort of victory would ensure they would be the first team to retain the Premiership since The Scum did so ten years ago but that any slip-up could let in their relentless pursuers Liverpool, who were hosting Wolverhampton Wanderings at Anfield. And, when Glenn Murray gave The Seagulls the lead with a glancing header after twenty seven minutes, anxiety rose in Sussex and hopes rose at Anfield that Liverpool might win their first title in twenty nine years. Sheikh Yer Man City's response was instant, emphatic and ruthless as they swept Brighton aside to end the campaign with a record fourteen successive league victories, thirty two in all, which equals the record they set last season. City may not have repeated the one hundred points that won the title last season (they ended on a mere ninety eight) but this was, arguably, an even sweeter success given the season-long battle with Liverpool. Herr Klopp's boys' two-nil victory over Wolves was Liverpool's ninth win in a row and their thirtieth overall. They finished on ninety seven points, the third-highest top flight total in English football history and an astonishing figure for a team finishing as runners-up. They had just one defeat all season and, ultimately, it was that two-one loss to City on 3 January that cost The Reds a title which many felt they thoroughly deserved.

Stottingtot Hotshots sealed a fourth-placed finish as they ended their campaign with an entertaining two-two draw against Everton. Spurs knew that a point would be enough to secure a Champions League place for a fourth successive season under Mauricio Pochettino, but they missed the opportunity to record back-to-back third-place finishes as Moscow Chelski FC were held by Leicester City. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang scored twice as The Arse beat Burnley at Turf Moor, but The Gunners failed to finish in the top four. Unai Emery's side secured fifth spot meaning they go straight into the Europa League group stage next season. They can still qualify for the Champions League if they beat Moscow Chelski FC in the Europa League final on 29 May in Baku. Nathaniel Mendez-Laing scored twice as already relegated Cardiff City won their final Premier League appearance at Old Trafford to heap yet more misery on The Scum and leave Ole Gunnar Solskjær with a face like a smacked arse. Which, to be fair, was funny. 'We're not a club that should be finishing sixth,' Solskjær whinged after the game. But, they did, dear blog reader. They did. Defeat means that The Scum have won just one of their final seven games of the season as city rivals Sheikh Yer Man City were winning the league again. So, whilst it will have been a jolly rockin' night in Manchester on Sunday, it will likely have been a really miserable one in Wiltshire, London, Essex, Australia, India and all of the other places around the globe that Manchester United's supporters live. West Hamsters United secured a top-ten finish for the first time since 2016 with a clinical four-one win over FA Cup finalists Watford at Vicarage Road. Michy Batshuayi scored twice to help Crystal Palace end the season with an entertaining five-three win over Bournemouth at Selhurst Park. The victory means that Palace finished the season in twelfth place, while Bournemouth dropped to fourteenth following Newcastle's win at Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance. Alex Pritchard capitalised on Southampton goalkeeper Angus Gunn's mistake to grab a draw for Huddersfield in their final Premier League game before dropping back into the Championship. The Terriers finished the season with a mere sixteen points, just three wins, twenty two goals and a goal different of minus fifty four.

Coming From Behind

Just in case you've been asleep for the last few days, dear blog reader, the final of this year's Champions League will be between the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Stottingtot Hotshots after two of the most genuinely remarkable turn-arounds in European fitba history. It will be the first time since 2008 - when The Scum beat Moscow Chelski FC on penalties - that two Premier League sides have competed for Europe's major club competition. Five time winners Liverpool were the beaten finalists in the 2018 final and last won the trophy in 2005 whilst this is the first time that Spurs have ever got this far in Europe (although, they did win the European Cup Winners Cup in 1963 and the UEFA Cup in 1972). Liverpool completed the first of the near-miracles on Tuesday beating Barcelona four-nil at Anfield to overturn a three-goal first-leg deficit with two goals each from Divock Origi and Georginio Wijnaldum. Barely had the superlatives escaped the lips of just about every football fan the world over at this quite remarkable turn of events (as the BBC Sports website noted, even non-Liverpool fans were, mostly, celebrating), than twenty four hours later Spurs completed what was, in some ways, an even more unexpected comeback. One-down after the first leg, they went to Amsterdam and, in the white-hot atmosphere of the Johan Cruyff Arena, beat Ajax three-two thanks a hat-trick by Lucas Moura - the dramatic winning goal coming in the ninety sixth minute. This, after Spurs had been two goals behind (three, on aggregate) at half-time. So, all the media then had to think up some new 'unbelievable, Jeff'-type malarkey to top what they'd been saying just a day earlier. Some even had the vain hope of working out which of the two performances was best. Therefore, dear blog reader, it's Herr Klopp versus Senor Pochettino in Madrid's Estadio Metropolitano on 1 June. Both clubs have been allocated around sixteen thousand tickets.

As a Newcastle United supporter, this blogger has always had rather more affinity with Merseyside than with North London. You know, Keegan, Terry Mac, Beardsley, Albert Stubbins, Alan Kennedy, et al. So, under normal circumstances, he would be slightly (and, he does mean slightly) more hoping for a Reds win than a Whites win in the final. However, what with the blatant cheating antics of yer man Fabinho - producing a dive worthy of Greg Louganis (with pike) when not even touched by Matt Ritchie in last weekend's game at St James' - still extremely fresh in the mind, this blogger's only option is a couple of rousing choruses of 'Come On You Spurs!' Sorry, all of Keith Telly Topping's - many - Scouse chums, Jonny Arnold especially, but it's The Law!

Barcelona striker Luis Suarez said that his side 'looked like schoolboys' for Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws's winning goal in the Champions League semi-final second leg. The Reds won four-nil on an astonishing night at Anfield, with Divock Origi scoring the winner from Trent Alexander-Arnold's quick corner, to overturn a three goal first-leg deficit. 'We have to be ready for all the criticism that is going to rain down on us now,' Suarez said. 'We are very sad, we are in a lot of pain.' Barca had looked in control after winning three-nil at the Nou Camp. Origi gave The Reds early hope at Anfield and half-time substitute Georginio Wijnaldum scored two quickfire goals to level the tie. The winner came while Barca's defence were still getting ready for a corner, which Alexander-Arnold took quickly allowing the alert Origi to score. 'For their fourth goal we looked like schoolboys,' said the former Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws striker, who was booed all night by his old fans. It was Barcelona's second Champions League collapse in consecutive seasons. Last season, Roma beat them three-nil in the quarter-final second leg to knock them out on away goals. 'I do not know how it's going to affect me. Here we are, the coach has to take responsibility,' boss Ernesto Valverde said. Barca have won La Liga both seasons under Valverde, but they have not reached a Champions League final since 2015. 'It's very painful for us, especially for our people, it's the second year they've come back like that,' he said. 'Things got on top of us after those two quick goals. We didn't manage to get on the scoresheet and they rolled us over really,' Valverde said. 'They surprised us with the fourth goal - presumably my players weren't looking. Liverpool were street-smart and they scored.' Suarez defended his manager after the game. 'We are the ones that played the game,' he said. 'The boss used the same tactics as in the first leg and he tried to do the same thing here. You have to say sorry for the attitude and the things that everyone saw today. We have to do a lot of self-criticism because this is the second time that the same thing has happened to us. We cannot commit the same mistake two years in a row. There are many things we need to consider and think about.' Midfielder Sergio Busquets said: 'I apologise to the fans because after the Rome thing, it happens again. It is very hard to fall like that with a good result in the first leg.' A bad night got even worse for Lionel Messi after the Bacra team bus reportedly left Anfield without him. According to Spanish TV channel El Chiringuito, whilst Messi was waiting to provide drug testers with a sample, the bus left for the airport.

And, it was, seemingly, all too much for one - apparently Asian - Barca fan whose (filmed) temper tantrum at the final whistle has, not unexpectedly, gone extremely viral when it appeared on the Interweb. That's probably a new telly you're gonna be needing on there, mate. This blogger thinks it's the mixture of casual disinterest and amusement amongst yon laddie's friends (or, possibly family), that makes it art. Mind you, Keith Telly Topping is often like that when his beloved (though unsellable) Magpies have just got beat. Stately Telly Topping Manor has been through about seventeen tellies this season already and there's still one game to go.

By Thursday, English football fans were even further in dreamland as English clubs created European football history by taking all four final spots in the continent's two major competitions. The Arse won in Valencia and Moscow Chelski FC beat Eintracht Frankfurt on penalties to reach the Europa League final. It is the first time that all four finalists in Europe's top two club competitions have come from one nation. There have only been two all-English finals before, with Stottingtot Hotshots beating Wolverhampton Wanderings in the 1971-72 UEFA Cup and The Scum beating Moscow Chelski FC in the 2007-08 Champions League. Spain had three teams in the finals of the two competitions in 2015-16, with Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid contesting the Champions League final and Unai Emery's Sevilla winning the Europa League. 'In England the level is very high and the Premier League is the best championship in Europe,' claimed Moscow Chelski FC manager Maurizio Sarri. The Arse and Moscow Chelski FC will meet in Baku, Azerbaijan - almost two-and-a-half thousand miles from London - on 29 May, with a Champions League spot at stake for The Gunners, who could become the fifth English side to qualify for next season's competition. Moscow Chelski FC are already assured of their place after cementing a top-four finish in the Premier League. Baku's Olympic Stadium has a capacity of sixty eight thousand but UEFA has allocated only just over six thousand tickets to each of the London clubs, a decision that The Arse described as 'disappointing.'

Moscow Chelski FC manager Maurizio Sarri says that it will 'not be easy' to challenge Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Sheikh Yer Man City next season, after an unsuccessful appeal against FIFA's transfer ban on the club. The Blues are very banned from signing players during the next two transfer windows until the end of January 2020. It followed an investigation into their signing of foreign under-eighteen players. Moscow Chelski FC said that they were 'very disappointed' and will now appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. 'It's very difficult to cover the gap at the moment; we need to work, probably we need to do something from the market,' whinged Sarri. 'So it's not easy, because the level of the top two is very, very high.' Sarri says the club 'need' to buy two players this summer. 'I think that we have to buy only one, two players, otherwise it's very difficult to improve immediately,' the Italian added. 'I think we are a very good team, so we need only one, two players, no more.' The only change to the original FIFA ban is that The Blues can sign under-sixteen players from the UK during the suspension period. 'The FIFA appeal committee has decided to partially uphold the appeal lodged by Chelsea,' FIFA said in a statement. 'This ban applied to the club as a whole - with the exception of the women's and futsal teams - and did not prevent the release of players.' FIFA said that it found breaches in twenty nine cases out of the ninety two investigated. Moscow Chelski FC's fine of four hundred and sixty thousand smackers by world football's governing body also remains. The Football Association was also fined three hundred and ninety thousand notes when it issued the ban and English football's governing body was told that it 'must address the situation' regarding the international transfer and registration of minors. 'Chelsea categorically refutes the findings of the FIFA Appeal Committee,' the club said in a statement. Moscow Chelski FC have a number of high-profile players out on loan whom they can call on, including Tammy Abraham (Aston Villains), Michy Batshuayi (Crystal Palace), Alvaro Morata (Atletico Madrid), Victor Moses (Fenerbahce), Christian Pulisic (Borussia Dortmund), Kenedy (this blogger's beloved, though unsellable, Newcastle), Tiemoue Bakayoko (AC Milan) and Kurt Zouma (Everton). They also have dozens of youth players currently out on loan. 'Every month I have a report on every player on loan; we have about forty five,' Sarri said. 'There are two or three players who have been out on loan this season who are interesting. I do not want to name names now. But the level they have been playing at must be considered.' Based on documents from Football Leaks, French website Mediapart claimed in November that nineteen Moscow Chelski FC signings had been 'looked at' during a three-year FIFA investigation. Mediapart alleged that fourteen of those signings were players under the age of eighteen. Burkina Faso international Bertrand Traore - who now plays for Ligue Un club Lyon - signed his first professional contract at Moscow Chelski FC in 2013 at the age of eighteen but was not registered until January 2014. Mediapart claimed FIFA 'found evidence' that Moscow Chelski FC had 'misled' them over the dates, while Traore was found to have made twenty five appearances for The Blues (under-sixteen, under-eighteen and first team) despite not being registered with the FA. Moscow Chelski FC admitted they paid his mother one hundred and fifty five thousand knicker, as well as a further thirteen grand to the club she chaired - AJE Bobo-Dioulasso - in April 2011 to allow them 'first refusal' on his signature. That deal, it is alleged, was for four-and-a-half years, despite the limit for under-eighteens being three years. In addition, it is also claimed Moscow Chelski FC paid for Traore to attend the twenty thousand quid-a-year Whitgift School in Surrey. Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid both received bans for breaching rules over the signing of minors in early 2016, while Barcelona were given a fourteen-month ban after breaking rules for signing international under-eighteens in 2014. However, a Barcelona appeal saw their punishment pushed back by a year, allowing the club to sign Luis Suarez, Ivan Rakitic, Jeremy Mathieu, Claudio Bravo and Marc-Andre ter Stegen before the ban started. Not that any of this did Barca much good this week against the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, obviously.

Notlob Wanderings are set to go into administration after the club appeared in the High Court over a 1.2 million quid unpaid tax bill. The case on Wednesday was adjourned until 22 May to allow the club enough time to appoint an administrator. Administration would result in the Wanderings having a twelve-point penalty imposed on them next season. The club will play in League One next season after they were relegated from The Championship this term. Former Watford owner Laurence Bassini had made a takeover bid, but Wanderings said on Thursday that the deal was off. Bassini, who had been given forty eight hours to prove to the Football League that he had the funds to take over, later claimed to be in control of the club, but it was reported on Monday that his bid was 'on the brink of collapse.' In a statement published while the club were awaiting their case to be heard in the High Court on Wednesday, owner Ken Anderson said that administration was 'the only possible outcome' following the collapse of Bassini's takeover bid. 'This has been a massive disappointment to me as I understand the serious implications administration will bring to the businesses,' he said. On Bassini's bid, Anderson added: 'Regrettably his continued time-wasting and empty promises have caused a great deal of heartache and frustration for the staff and supporters alike and now leave the Eddie Davies Trust and I with little or no choice other than for one of us to place the businesses into administration, as any likelihood of finding any resolution in the High Court hearing is not possible.' It was the sixth time in the past eighteen months that Notlob have faced a winding-up petition. Their latest case, originally brought by HM Revenue & Customs in February, has now been adjourned by the High Court on three occasions, with Wednesday's decision the latest in a string of off-field issues at the club this season. Players are still owed wages for March and April, while the club could face further sanctions from the Football League after their final home match of the season against Brentford on 27 April was postponed when the playing staff went on strike. Bassini has told BBC Radio Manchester that he is 'still interested' in purchasing the club and hopes to get the sale through before Notlob return to court. Meanwhile, Notlob Whites Hotel, which adjoins the University of Notlob Stadium and is owned by the club, also appeared in the High Court over a separate winding-up petition and was also given an adjournment until 22 May. Judge Clive Jones said it was 'rather strange' that Notlob did not have a representative in the High Court. Nonetheless, the major creditors were petitioning for a short adjournment, in the hope that an administrator could be appointed in that time. Former owner Eddie Davies' trust fund, Fildraw, has served a notice with that intention and the club has been given until 22 May to see that it is done. Only once an administrator has been appointed will we be able to start thinking about who could be in the frame to rescue the club.

Attendances in the English Football League reached a sixty-year high this season. Almost 18.4 million people attended the sixteen hundred and fifty five matches in the Championship, League One and League Two - the most in tiers two to four since 1958-59. Blunderland's Boxing Day crowd for their match with Bradford City was the largest of the season at fortysix thousand and thirty nine - setting a new League One record. The figures are up one-and-a-half per cent on last season with an average gate of eleven thousand one hundred and thirteen. Aston Villains were responsible for eight of the ten biggest attendances. When Carabao Cup and Checkatrade Trophy games are included, almost twenty million spectators attended games under the Football League banner. Figures are also up when comparing the sixty seven teams that played in the EFL last season and this season. 'It is clear from this analysis that EFL clubs are finding new, innovative ways to attract new supporters while also improving the match-day experience for those fans who regularly attend week in, week out,' said EFL chief executive Shaun Harvey. 'The rise in match-day attendance is set against a backdrop of increasing viewing options for all football fans. iFollow is providing an alternative option for those supporters who can't attend games, but the product EFL clubs have been turning out on the pitch has brought supporters back through the turnstiles.' In total eighteen million three hundred and ninety one thousand four hundred and fifty four people attended league matches played this season - eighteen million eight hundred and sixty three thousand six hundred and eighty five attended games in 1958-59.

When a friend handed Jordie Van der Laan a ticket for the first leg of Ajax's Champions League semi-final against Spurs last week, the temptation was too great. Van der Laan, a twenty five-year-old striker with second-tier club Telstar, decided to travel to London. 'I just called in sick and of course it wasn't the best decision. In the end someone found out,' he told the BBC. Snitched up and, banged-to-rights like a kipper, the club decided to terminate his contract by mutual consent. 'He tricked us,' complained technical director Piet Buter. 'In all he was away from the club for four days. At our request to go to the club doctor he reacted by saying he had an appointment with his GP,' he told a local paper. 'The next day his excuse was that he was in bed with a fever.' Van der Laan was not the only Ajax fan who failed to show up to work last week. A Dutch reporter was slapped by a supporter outside the Stottingtot Hotshots ground, apparently because he was angry that fans who had called in sick were being filmed. No-one realised Van der Laan had flown to London to see Ajax beat Spurs one-nil. And, initial reports said that friends and colleagues only found out when they saw his face appear three times during TV coverage of the match. 'My team's group-chat exploded. They fell about laughing,' he was quoted as saying by the Volkskrant newspaper. Friends reportedly spotted him on TV from as far afield as Denmark and Mexico. But Telstar's trainer Mike Snoei had already suspected something was up and when he said that he wanted to visit Van der Laan, the player admitted that he was on his way to see Ajax. Van der Laan said Telstar's season was 'as good as over' and as he had not been selected for some time his chances of playing in the next match against Young PSV on Friday were 'thin. I hadn't expected it would get so out of hand. I didn't show up for training on Tuesday and it got noticed. But in my discussion with Telstar it was agreed it wouldn't get out,' he told local broadcaster Omroep Brabant. Telstar were, seemingly, unimpressed. 'The trainer said it was incredibly stupid of me and with one more game ahead he decided it was best to terminate my contract,' Van der Laan told the Volkskrant. On Monday the player tweeted: 'So don't I deserve a ticket for Wednesday's match now? After all I am free, aren't I?' Journalist Menno Pot responded with an offer of a free ticket in return for a beer.

Two Russia internationals have been sent to The Slammer after being found guilty of 'hooliganism.' Zenit St Petersburg's Aleksandr Kokorin and Krasnodar's Pavel Mamaev reportedly attacked a trade ministry official with a chair and beat up a driver in Moscow. Kokorin will serve eighteen months in The Joint and Mamaev seventeen months. They have been in custody since the incident took place in October. In addition, Kokorin's younger brother Kirill and their friend, Alexander Protosavitsky, have also been found extremely guilty. The punishment for hooliganism is a maximum penalty of seven years in The Gulag. Kokorin has forty eight caps for Russia, but missed last year's home World Cup through injury, while thirty-year-old Mamaev has fifteen caps.

Online retailer Zavvi has apologised after reportedly telling customers they had won a VIP trip to the Champions League football final in Madrid. Joyous winners took to social media to announce their news - and then, abject dismay upon learning of the error. What Zavvi called 'technical issues' meant its entire subscriber list may have been told that they were winners. Zavvi, which emerged out of Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Group, sell music, DVDs, clothing and homeware. A competition, in partnership with Mastercard, was offering two adults an all-expenses two-night trip to the much-anticipated Champions League final between the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Stottingtot Hotshots. Supposed winners received an e-mail addressed to them personally using their first name. It read: 'We here at Zavvi would like to wish you a huge congratulations as you have been chosen as the winner of our Mastercard competition, winning a VIP trip for two adults to attend the UEFA Champions League Final Madrid 2019.' It is unclear how many people were e-mailed. The Liverpool Echo newspaper reported that among people getting the Zavvi e-mails were 'hundreds' of Liverpool fans. But, after news seeped out on social media of multiple winners, Zavvi tweeted: 'Apologies, we're aware of the problem regarding the recent Mastercard Competition. We seem to have had some technical issues and we're currently looking into this.' It appears that this tweet has now been taken down from Zavvi's Twitter feed.

The UK advertising watchdog has banned a Paddy Power TV campaign featuring the brother of Ryan Giggs for 'glamorising' gambling as a route to a wealthy lifestyle. The TV campaign featured Rhodri Giggs as the face of the bookmaker's loyalty scheme, the Paddy Power Rewards Club. In the advert Giggs tells viewers that he had always 'lived a loyal life,' through activities such as always drinking at the same pub, going to the same gym and sticking with the same brand of tea bags, but that his fortunes had been 'transformed' by becoming an 'ambassador' for Paddy's Reward Club. 'Loyalty gets you nowhere, live for rewards instead,' he said. The advert then shows Giggs rejecting his usual pint of bitter and ordering champagne. He is seen driving off in a sports car while thanking the bookmaker as he pats the bodywork. The Advertising Standards Authority received five whinges that the advert was 'irresponsible' because it 'glamorised' gambling and suggested it was a way of 'achieving a good standard of living.' Paddy Power said that Giggs was not shown betting and that the car, with the number plate 'Ambassador Car', was not obtained through betting but was positioned as a personal perk of being a face of the rewards club. The ASA said that the TV advert was based on 'a string of tongue-in-cheek references' to allegations that Ryan Giggs had an affair with his brother's wife. 'We considered [the advert] created the impression that Rhodri was no longer defined by the alleged affair and that he had moved past his "loyalty" and was now reaping the rewards,' the ASA said. 'The ad implied viewers should follow his example and that their route to doing so was joining Paddy Power's Rewards Club. We considered the ad implied gambling was a way to achieve financial security and improved self-image and we concluded the ad was irresponsible.' Separately, the ASA has also banned a tweet by Stottingtot Hotshots football club to over three million followers for breaking gambling advertising rules by featuring young players Harry Winks and Davinson Sánchez alongside a betting promotion for William Hill. The tweet, which received three thousand six hundred 'likes' and was retweeted almost one thousand times, featured an image of the team's starting line-up for a match against Borussia Dortmund in March as well as a William Hill logo and text saying 'latest odds from William Hill.' The ASA banned the promotion because the two players featured are under the age of twenty five years old, which is not allowed in gambling adverts. The watchdog said that the aim of the tweet was both to announce the starting line-up and to offer the audience an opportunity to bet. 'We told Tottenham Hotspur to ensure they did not feature those under twenty five years old playing a significant role in marketing communications,' the ASA said.