Roy Of The Rovers

Roy Hodgson is set to start talks with the Football Association on Monday and is expected to be appointed England manager within days. The FA says that the West Bromwich Albino manager, sixty four, is 'the only person it has approached' about succeeding Fabio Capello. He has already spoken with FA chairman David Bernstein and will meet with the four-man panel. Roy said he would 'be delighted' to manage England, in a BBC Sport interview before the FA's approach. Hodgson has extensive international experience, having managed Switzerland, United Arab Emirates and Finland, and domestic teams in Sweden, Italy (including Internazionale) and England. Of course, that didn't stop Dan Roan on BBC News suggesting that Hodgson's only 'high profile' job had been at Liverpool, where he had something of a torrid time (although, arguably, his record is about the same as current Alabama Yee-Haws manager Kenny Dalglish over a similar period). Because, of course, managing Inter Milan isn't 'high profile' is it? The parochialism of this country's football media is almost as astonishing as the parochialism of this country's football supporters. Bernstein said: 'Roy is the only manager we have approached and we remain on course to make an appointment within the timescale we set out.' The four-man panel which will decide who takes over from Capello are Bernstein, FA general secretary Alex Horne, FA director of football development Sir Trevor Brooking and managing director of Club England Adrian Bevington. Bernstein approached West Brom on Saturday and was given permission to speak to Hodgson, who is likely to be appointed on a long-term basis. It is expected any contract will cover the three tournaments up to and including Euro 2016, at which point he will be two months short of his sixty ninth birthday. Hodgson's contract with West Brom ends on 30 June. Stottingtot Hotshots boss Happy Harry Redknapp had been heavily linked with the job ever since Capello left the post in February, indeed every football journalist worth his salt had been lining up on Sky's Soccer Supplement on Sunday mornings for the last two months to give Happy Hapless Harry's ringpiece a reet good rimming and inform viewers that the FA had a shortlist of one and Happy Harry was on it. (The Torygraph's Paul Heyward used those exact words just six weeks ago.) One or two of those will, no doubt, be feeling rather stupid today. That's if football journalists don't feel stupid most of the time, of course. Indeed, the amount of egg on various faces in Fleet Street and at Sky Sports News itself (another regular Redknapp cheerleader) who'd all but given him the job twenty seconds after he walked out of court two months ago after beating a fraud charge must be half the gross annual produce of Norfolk. I think it's hilarious, personally. The FA has decided to discuss the position with Hodgson, who has previous international experience from his time in charge of Switzerland, United Arab Emirates and Finland. In total, he has managed eighteen teams either at domestic or international level, including two spells as Inter Milan boss. Former FA chief executive Mark Palios does not believe the talks with Hodgson necessarily rule out a move for Redknapp. He said the FA is 'under pressure' to 'do something' about the vacant job with Euro 2012 a matter of weeks away. 'Hodgson is a candidate they would naturally speak to,' he told the BBC. 'West Bromwich Albion's season is settled and they are now safe. But this doesn't mean to say there aren't other people they would approach.' Hodgson, who had a disappointing time at Liverpool last season, has steered West Brom to mid-table in the Premier League. Prior to the Liverpool job, he took a very average Fulham side to the final of the UEFA Cup. He also managed Blackburn Rovers for two seasons (also getting them into Europe in the first year). Albino chairman Jeremy Peace remains hopeful he will stay on at the Hawthorns. Peace said: 'Roy has done a fantastic job over the past fifteen months and the fact that the FA wants to discuss the England role with him is testament to that. Roy is a proud Englishman and we can understand why he wants to speak to the FA about this highly prestigious managerial position. However, we have emphasised to Roy how much we would like him to remain as our head coach and continue his major contribution to our project at the Hawthorns as we look to establish ourselves as a Premier League club. Everyone here has an excellent working relationship with him and he is immensely popular with our supporters.' England have two fixtures before their Euro 2012 opener against France on 11 June, with friendlies planned against Norway on 26 May and Belgium on 2 June. Stuart Pearce - who is in charge of both the England Under-Twenty One squad and the Team GB Olympic set-up - is currently in temporary control of the national side and oversaw a 3-2 friendly defeat by the Netherlands at Wembley last month. Pearce said he 'would be prepared' to lead the team into Euro 2012 and stated earlier this week that he could name the squad on or around 10 May if no new manager was in place by that date. Hapless Happy Harry his very self has, reportedly 'wished Roy Hodgson well' after the Football Association approached the West Brom manager for the England role. The Hotshots boss also said he did not 'hold any grudges' at being overlooked.

'A good man is just about to take on the Impossible Job.' That was the conclusion of the Daily Torygraph's Henry Winter in writing about the Football Association's decision to offer the England football manager's job to Roy Hodgson. The reason was made abundantly clear in the coverage in other national papers on Monday morning. As Winter noted, they were declaring Hodgson 'a failure before he's even been appointed.' A couple of editors registered their surprise - and, implied criticism - in front page headlines: Hod choice for England (Daily Mirra), What are the Hods on that? (the Sun) and Forget 'Arry, it's Roy in the frame for England (the Daily Lies). In the sports pages, the boot really went in. Reminding readers of Hodgson's brief and unhappy stewardship of Liverpool, the Daily Scum Mail's main headline said: Kop flop Roy is FA's choice. The Mirra was critical too: Oh why, oh why, oh Woy? This reflected the widespread bafflement - amongst various sport writers, if not the actual general public - that the media's favourite, Harry Redknapp, had been overlooked. The general view from almost every football commentator was that Hodgson was little more than a safe and uninspiring choice. They included the Sun's Steven Howard, 'After Fab ... the drab', the Scum Mail's odious fat lout Martin Samuel (Is this a job for Mr Average?) and the Daily Scum Express's John Dillon, 'Little joy in a chase for Roy Hodgson.' The biggest Redknapp cheerleader of the lot, the thoroughly full of his own importance Brian Woolnough in the Daily Lies predicted that the FA would suffer a backlash from fans. 'He is a safe pair of hands rather than the "character" England needed,' he wrote. The word 'safe' can be found in almost every reaction - as though that is, in and of itself, a bad thing. Daniel Taylor in the Gruniad thought Hodgson 'a safe option, a mid-table manager whose best work in England has been done at two relatively small clubs in Fulham and West Bromwich Albion.' In the Independent, Musa Okwonga thought Hodgson's appointment has infuriated 'people' (though he didn't say, exactly, which people) 'because it shows us what we really are: we are outsiders, peering up at football's elite.' So a pragmatic choice makes sense. Tony Evans, The Times's football editor, was wholly unimpressed by the appointment of a man 'whose bathroom cabinet is bigger than his trophy cabinet.' It was 'a retrograde step,' Evans wrote and then had the gall to add: 'It is unfair to pillory Hodgson.' You mean, like what you've just done you odious tosser? In what is clearly a self-fulfilling prophesy Evans concluded that Hodgson 'will become the focus of public criticism very quickly.' Hell hath no fury, it seems, like a football journalist who's back the wrong horse. Amid the negativity, it was a pleasure to read the piece by Winter's only real rival for the best jobbing football journo, Oliver Holt in the Mirra: Don't destroy Roy: why Hodgson deserves better than to be written off before he's even got the England job. He accepted that Hodgson, unlike Redknapp, he lacks 'the common touch', nor does he have the charisma of Martin O'Neill. But, wrote Holt, 'he is tactically astute, he is a clever coach and he is well-respected throughout the game. What he will need to overcome is the inverted snobbery that will be aimed at him by some because he's a cerebral manager.'

Going Fourth And Multiplying

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, still unsellable) Newcastle United continued their charge towards Champions League qualification with a convincing Premier League victory over a woefully poor Stoke City side. Yohan Cabaye nodded The Magpies ahead from close range before Papiss Demba Cissé slid in the Frenchman's exquisite pass. Cabaye sealed victory with a glorious curling twenty-yard strike as The Black and Whites climbed into the top four at the expense of Happy Harry's Hapless Stottingtot Hotshots, who lost 1-0 at QPR. Newcastle were eleven points adrift of yer actual Spurs following their 5-0 mauling at the hands of the North London club in early February. But a sixth successive Premier League win (combined with a run of just one win in ten for Tottenham, and 'England's next manager', remember) has put them on the cusp of European football next season. They have surged fifteen points clear of seventh-placed Everton, who have five games left to play. If Everton don't win at The Scum on Sunday afternoon, United's return to European competition for the first time since 2007 will be confirmed. The top six are assured of continental competition and after making a statement of intent against Stoke, it would take a dramatic collapse for Newcastle to surrender their place. Two of their final four games include a trip to Moscow Chelski FC, one of their rivals for a top-four finish, and a home match against title-chasing Sheikh Yer Man City as they aim to clinch Champions League qualification for the first time since 2003. Newcastle have put themselves within touching distance after a fantastic run which has been spearheaded by the goals of Senegal striker Cissé. The twenty six-year-old has proved a revelation since his ten million notes move from Freiburg, with eleven goals in ten matches hauling Newcastle above Spurs, who went down to Adel Taarabt's goal in Saturday's late kick-off at Loftus Road. Maverick French winger Hatem Ben Arfa has also taken plenty of plaudits recently and he was the architect of the opening goal with some superb trickery on the left touchline. He skipped past Marc Wilson before clipping a delicious cross into the Stoke danger zone, where Cissé's sharp movement allowed him to escape his marker, lumbering oaf Robert Huth, and send a far-post header crashing against the crossbar. And Cabaye was waiting to pounce on the rebound with a close range header. The midfielder turned provider moments later, his quite exquisite reverse pass perfectly weighted into the path of Cissé who raced on to and slide the ball past Stoke keeper Asmir Begovic. Cabaye pulled all the strings in a dominant performance and capped a majestic individual display with a sumptuous first-time finish into the far corner for his second goal of the afternoon and fifth of the season. Newcastle had failed to penetrate a typically organised Stoke backline in the opening stages but, once Cabaye and then Cissé breached their defence, Newcastle oozed confidence and controlled the game with a swagger expected of a top-four team. In the end, they won at a canter and could have had more goals with Demba Ba and Fabricio Coloccini missing decent chances and Cissé having another goal chalked out for a marginal (but correct) offside flag. It could have been very different had Stoke striker Jonathan Walters not spooned Peter Crouch's knockdown high over the bar when well positioned in the game's first opportunity. But chances were rare for the lowest scorers in the Premier League against a mean Newcastle defence which claimed a fourth straight clean sheet and has conceded just one goal in their six game winning run. Former United icon Alan Shearer said: 'Tremendous credit to Alan Pardew. It's not as if Newcastle have been digging results out -they're putting in very good performances. I wouldn't say Chelsea are gone in the Champions League race but you would have to say the form team are Newcastle.' Pardew himself said: 'The Champions League is really a possibility. We're not going to hide from that or make some stupid clichés [or, indeed, Cissé's] about we're not going to do it. We're right in there and we go to Wigan, that's going to be a tough game. We will see where we are then. I know a result like this today will pipe through to the Tottenham dressing room and put pressure on them. There's no pressure on us - we're just bobbling along. Our quality really shone through - some great goals and great interplay. There's a lot of confidence in the dressing room, we've got a really nice feeling in there and you can see that on the pitch.'

Meanwhile, an early front-runner for the comedy line of the week came from the thoroughly odious and full-of-his-own-importance tossface Brian Woolnaugh on Sky Sports's Soccer Supplement on Sunday morning. 'So, Newcastle are flying,' said the odious Daily Lies journalist (allegedly) after a curiously dismissive five minute assessment of the job Alan Pardew's done (but, not before he and his three journalist mates had spent twice as long talking about yer actual Sotttingtot Hotshots current woes). 'But, undoubtedly, the team of the week are Chelsea.' Well, yeah. Course. They might only be sixth in the league, but heaven help some Northern chancers blundering in and buggering up Woolnough's opportunity to give some London-based team's collective ringpiece a right good hard lick, you risible brown-tongued louse. What's happened to your love affair with Happy Harry, anyway? One win in ten games for 'England's next manager' and, suddenly, it's 'Oooo, Roberto, you eeees the one for me. "Blue is the colour, football is the game..."' Twat.

The Thieving Magpies Drown The Swans

It was a pure classic example of an age-old football truism. All of the possession in the world is bog-all use to man nor beast if you don't stick the ball in the net. Wearing the number nine shirt at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, still unsellable) Newcastle United would weigh heavily on many shoulders but Papiss Dema Cissé appears to be positively liberated by the famous jersey he's wearing. On another hugely satisfying day for Alan Pardew, the ten million knicker signing from Freiburg in January again scored twice to take his tally to a remarkable nine goals in just eight Premier League appearances. United picked up a fourth successive top-flight victory for the first time in six years to keep alive their hopes of qualifying for the Champions League. The Magpies strengthened their surprise Champions League push with a superb win at Swansea City thanks to another clinical Cissé double. The in-form striker from Dakar cracked the Magpies into an early lead as he raced onto Yohan Cabaye's pass to fire past The Swans keeper Michel Vorm from twenty yards. Swansea then proceeded to dominate possession for most of the rest of the match - Brendan Rodgers' attractive side knocking the ball around beautifully. Comfortable in possession, whole periods of the game seemed to fly by as The Swans stroked the ball around patiently building from the back. At times it was a joy to watch, although if there was one frustration for the home supporters it was that Tim Krul, the Newcastle goalkeeper, had only one save of note to make in the entire first half - and only about two others not of note either. And, he didn't have much more to do after the break. Several promising Swansea moves petered out as a result of a stray final ball and solid defending from United's makeshift back four - still, remember, without Coloccini and Steve Taylor. The save Krul made was an impressive one, Gylfi Sigurdsson's dipping right-footed shot, after the lively Joe Allen had spotted the Icelandic midfielder in space twenty five yards from goal, spectacularly turned around the post by the young Dutch keeper. But Newcastle showed them how to do the penetration thing as Hatem Ben Arfa, Cayabe and Cissé combined to seal a smash-and-grab win on the hour. Cissé exquisitely chipped Vorm from inside the box to celebrate a third successive brace. A fourth win in a row for Newcastle ensured Alan Pardew's side leapfrog Moscow Chelski FC into fifth place in the Premiership and are now just two points behind Stottingtot Hotshots and The Arse, who occupy the last two Champions League places. Pardew has done a very good job of managing expectations and keeping supporters' feet on the floor. But, Pardew's men seem to have hit form at just the right time with six games remaining. If Newcastle do make it back into European competition it will be for the first time since the 2006-07 season. And while Cissé will enjoy all of the headlines, the resolute Magpies defence and hard-working midfield - including a superb performance from Jonás Gutiérrez playing out of position in the middle - ensured their first every Premier League win on a Friday. Swansea, meanwhile, have now lost three league games in a row for the first time since losing to York, Bury and Lincoln in Division Three in January 2003. Krul was rarely tested although Sigurdsson, the recently-crowned Premier League Player of the Month for March, should have done so in the opening two minutes. But after Nathan Dyer's had cut in from the right and set up the Icelandic international, Sigurdsson could only drag his shot tamely across Krul's goal. The hosts were immediately punished as the Cissé capitalised on some generous Swansea marking to fire Newcastle into a fifth minute lead. The Senegalese striker lost his marker, sped onto Cabaye's lovely one-touch through-pass and fired past Vorm from twenty yards. Cissé took advantage of the space that opened up between Ashley Williams and Steven Caulker, the Swansea central defenders, before spearing a low shot across Vorm. Cissé, who started as a lone centre forward but interchanged with Demba Ba on the left flank in a 4-4-1-1 formation which saw Cabaye deployed just off the main striker, threatened to add a second twelve minutes later but Caulker, after initially looking like he had allowed the striker to get the better of him, managed to get in a block. Newcastle's threat, however, was largely confined to the counterattack, as Swansea, as we have seen on many other occasions this season, dominated possession with their neat passing and fluid movement. But, they couldn't score. Sigurdsson, as mentioned, stung the hands of Krul with his fierce twenty five-yard drive and he also had a shot blocked by Davide Santon and a weak thirty-yard free-kick which was easily collected by the Newcastle keeper. Rodgers had rested his leading scorers, Danny Graham and Scott Sinclair, who had scored seventeen of Swansea's thirty five league goals this season, as the Swans struggled to penetrate. After a deflected Joe Allen twenty five-yard effort was beaten away by Krul, Rodgers unleashed Graham and Sinclair early in the second half. But Sinclair had just showed a glimpse of his ability by jinking into the box and firing a goal-bound shot at Ryan Taylor, when Cissé ended Swansea's hopes.

Black and White and Red All Over

Scowling, sour-faced, dour and miserable Scotsman yer actual Kenny Dalglish had reason to be especially scowling sour-faced dour and miserable as his Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws side were outplayed, outclassed and outfought by yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (thought still unsellable) Magpies at the artist formerly known as St James' Park. And, truly, this was glorious in yer actual Keith Telly Topping's sight, so it was. On the other hand it was all smiles for the locals among a sell-out crowd of fifty two thousand three hundred and sixty three punters as Alan Pardew celebrated a repeat of his first game in charge of United with another win over Liverpool. A thoroughly entertaining, drama-packed game ended in a victory for Newcastle over The Scowling Reds 2-0, with two quality strikes from Papiss Demba Cissé either side of half-time - the Senegalese striker's sixth and seventh goals in just seven appearances in English football for the Black and Whites. Liverpool also had their goalkeeper, Pepe Reina, sent to the stands after the Spaniard tried to stick the nut on James Perch late in the game. And totally failed. Which, actually, made it even funnier. The game ended with delirious United fans chanting 'you're getting sacked in the morning' to the hapless former Toon manager scowling sour-faced, dour and miserable Dalglish whose side have now lost six of their last seven games. Trust me when I tell you, dear blog reader, they've loved it. Loved it. It also was a thoroughly rotten day for Liverpool's three former Magpies. Firstly there was José Enrique Sánchez - still unforgiven on Tyneside where he had previously been something of a cult figure, for a series of rather unwise comments which he made on Twitter after he left United in the summer. (In case you missed them, they were: 'The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy.' The fact that, as the game started United were, actually, sixth, and Liverpool weren't, merely added to the irony.) Enrique was, therefore, booed all afternoon, subjected to chants of 'Jose Enrique/we're in the Top Six!' and 'we're in the Top Six, we're in the Top Six/you're not, you're not!' and ended the game playing in goal after Reina's thigh-slippingly funny dismissal. Andy Carroll - whom Liverpool, remember, had paid The Toon thirty five million quid for just over a year ago and now looks incapable of hitting a barn door at six feet - was also booed all afternoon, booked for a ludicrous dive in the first half in an attempt to win a penalty and get Tim Krul sent off when it would have been easier for him to score, subjected to very amusing chants of 'what a waste of money' and appeared angry and frustrated when he was withdrawn by scowling, sour-faced Dalglish fifteen minutes from time - also had a time rotten time of it. Carroll, reportedly, left 'looking close to tears [and] mouthing obscenities towards Dalglish.' Well, according to the Torygraph, anyway. One would suggest anybody who's likely to be out on the razz in The Bigg Market tonight should beware in case any glasses, you know, 'accidentally slip out of someone's hand.' It appeared an agonising experience for the two players who had left Newcastle to join an, allegedly, 'bigger club' in 2011. Enrique was tortured all afternoon by Hatem Ben Arfa whilst Carroll just looked like he was being tortured by the whole experience, failing to take two good chances in the first half, his every touch booed and jeered by 'his people.' Finally, Craig Bellamy was also booed all afternoon. Because he's a nasty, mouthy little bugger and nobody likes him very much. So, no change there then. To the - much - more important stuff, Cissé headed in Hatem Ben Arfa's pinpoint cross in a first-half in which Liverpool had plenty of the ball but where Tim Krul hardly had a shot to save, before the same player tapped in from Demba Ba's centre shortly after the break. A piss poor afternoon for the visitors in the Tyneside sunshine was made just that little bit worse when Reina saw red. Although James Perch - who had a superb afternoon otherwise, helping to shackle Carroll along with Man of the Match Mike Williamson - will probably have had harder impacts on his face from his pillow than from Reina's bald heed. Perch had impeded the Spaniard as he collected a Williamson header from a corner and was booked for this, rightly. But when Reina squared up to the Newcastle defender, leading with his head, referee Martin The Card Atkinson had little choice but to send the keeper off. Well, no, that's wrong. He clearly did have a choice, but he chose not to exercise it. The crowd laughed. And laughed. And laughed until they stopped. And then, they laughed some more. It was that sort of afternoon, frankly. Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws have now lost six of their last seven league games, their worst run in many, many years and cause for much celebration around the rest of the country. For, such is the totally high regard with which scowling, sour-faced, dour and miserable Dalglish and his team are held by other football fans. As they trooped off at the end, well beaten and with their tails between their legs, it was a moment befitting the recent woeful run for Dalglish's side whilst for the hosts, the victory was a tangible reward during a season of remarkable revolution for Pardew's side who have punched hugely above their weight all year. It just goes to show, Jose, does it not? A little bit of hard work and devleoping a team spirit shorn of mouthy primadonas can, actually, go a very long way. The win leaves United in sixth place in the Premiership, level on points (fifty three) with fifth place Moscow Chelski FC. And ten points ahead of eighth placed Everton. Liverpool - 'a top four club' in their own heads, at least according to their ludicrous managing director, Ian Ayre - are in ninth place on forty two points, one behind their local rivals, the Toffeemen, whilst Blunderland are breathing down their necks in tenth with forty points.