Brittle Empires

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, tragically unsellable) Magpies scored their first goals and recorded their first points of the Premier League season with an impressive win over a struggling and very poor West Hamsters United side. Both teams began the new campaign with two defeats - in Th' Toon's case made even worse by an effective surrender-before-kick-off earlier in the week in the League Cup against Nottingham Forest and playing like a bunch of girls in their previous two league games - and it was anticipated this contest would be a war of attrition, even at this early stage of the season. There was, however, much to entertain the crowd and United took the lead in the thirty sixth minute when recent signing Joselu poked in after good work from Mikel Merino and Christian Atsu. Newcastle grew in confidence after the break and it was two-nil when the excellent Matt Ritchie delivered a great ball into the area which was headed in by Ciaran Clark. In the closing moments, substitute Aleksandar Mitrovic made sure of the three points when he took the ball around that bloody wankhands Joe Hart before slotting in into the empty net. The Hamsters remain rooted to the bottom of the table, having conceded ten goals in three games.

Elsewhere, The Scum moved back to the top of the Premier League table after claiming a third win from three games with Saturday's two-nil victory over Leicester City. Jose Mourinho's men have now scored ten league goals without reply so far this season, but things did not all go their way at Old Trafford. Kasper Schmeichel saved Romelu Lukaku's penalty six minutes into the second half and it took until twenty minutes from time for The Scum to make the breakthrough. Marcus Rashford took advantage of slack marking to sweep in following a corner three minutes after his introduction off the bench. Rashford's fellow substitute, Marouane Fellaini, added a second after Jesse Lingard's shot to leave Leicester, the 2015-16 champions, with three points from their opening three matches. Sheikh Yer Man City claimed a late win over Bournemouth as defeats for West Hamsters United and Crystal Palace put pressure on Slaven Bilic and Frank De Boer at the bottom. Bournemouth are also without a point after three games this season as Pep Guardiola's City claimed victory through Raheem Sterling's stoppage-time winner. The England forward was subsequently sent off after earning a second yellow card for his celebrations at netting the decisive strike. A decision which made yer actual Alan Shearer proper vexed on Match Of The Day. Gosh, he was so angry, this blogger thought he was going to elbow Phil Neville right in the mush. Garth Crooks was a bit discombobulated by the whole malarkey too. Gabriel Jesus had cancelled out Charlie Daniels' stunning strike as Sheikh Yer Man City came from behind for a second win from three games following Monday's draw with Everton. There was also a geet-rive on with kids getting sparked an' aal sorts at the end with Bournemouth claiming, not particularly convincingly, that a 'misunderstanding' led one of their stewards to allege that he was struck by Sheikh Yer Man City's Sergio Aguero when television pictures proved that he clearly wasn't or anything even remotely like it. Whether the steward will, deservedly, have his ass extremely sacked for lying and trying to get Aguero into trouble is not yet known. Palace and The Hamsters are both without a point after three games. De Boer's Eagles are also yet to score after a two-nil defeat to previously winless Swansea and were booed off the pitch by their own fans three matches into the Dutchman's reign. Tammy Abraham, on loan from Moscow Chelski FC, scored his first Premier League goal a minute before half-time and Jordan Ayew added a second within three minutes of the restart for The Swans. Huddersfield are on seven points, alongside Sheikh Yer Man City, after being held to a goalless draw by Southampton. The Terriers are still to concede a goal and lead Guardiola's men on goal difference. Miguel Britos was sent off for a sickening two-footed challenge on Anthony Knockaert after twenty four minutes, but Brighton & Hove Albinos are still chasing a first Premier League goal this season. They have their first point though and maiden clean sheet following a goalless draw at Watford. In Sunday's games, West Bromwich Albino's one hundred per cent winning start to the season came to an end as a terrible defensive mix-up between Ahmed Hegazi and Ben Foster gifted Dirty Stoke a draw at The Hawthorns. The Baggies were on course to join The Scum on nine points at the top of the Premier League after Jay Rodriguez headed home his first league goal for the club on his home debut. But in attempting to clear a seemingly innocuous chipped cross from substitute Ramadan Sobhi, Hegazi and Foster both missed the ball - allowing Peter Crouch to head into an unguarded net. Burnley's new signing Chris Wood scored a dramatic injury-time equaliser to deny Stottingtot Hotshots their first Premier League win at Wembley. Spurs had looked on course for victory after Dele Alli put them ahead with a calm finish after Ben Mee fluffed a clearance from a corner. Moscow Chelski FC produced a dominant home performance to comfortably beat Everton for their second win of the Premier League season at Torpedo Stamford Bridge. Cesc Fabregas broke Everton's resistance by coolly clipping into the bottom corner from Alvaro Morata's instinctive knockdown, ending a smart move that began with a quick free-kick. Morata's thumping header doubled Moscow Chelski's lead before the break, the Spaniard gleefully finishing from Cesar Azpilicueta's perfect cross. And, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws produced a dazzling attacking display to destroy The Arse as Arsene Wenger's side were humiliated at Anfield. Wenger surprisingly chose to leave out summer signing Alexandre Lacazette, and the fifty two million knicker striker could only look on as every one of The Gunners' old, familiar failings were brutally exposed by Liverpool's pace, movement and desire. Roberto Firmino headed in Joe Gomez's cross to give The Reds a seventeenth-minute lead to start an attacking blitz that ended in a final scoreline that actually flattered The Arse. Sadio Mane, Mohamed Salah and Daniel Sturridge added subsequent goals against an Arse side that appeared to have little stomach for the fight.

In The Championship, Hull City ran riot with a four-nil victory over Notlob Wanderers. Adama Diomande opened the scoring for Hull. Six minutes later, Jarrod Bowen doubled their advantage and just before the half hour mark, Kamil Grosicki made it three-nil. With two minutes to play Bowen grabbed his second and Hull's fourth. At Ashton Gate, Bristol City settled for a point, against Aston Villains. It took an hour for the game to spring to life, Jamie Paterson scored to give the Robins the lead. However that lasted only four minutes, thanks to Stottingtot Hotshots' loanee Josh Onomah scoring a long-range effort, to equalise for The Villains. Barnsley piled more misery on Simon Grayson, as his Blunderland side lost three-nil at Oakwell. First-half goals from Ike Ugbo and Harvey Barnes put The Tykes two goals up then, with just over twenty minutes to play, George Moncur scored Barnsley's third to leave The Mackems in nineteenth place in The Championship. It was quite the afternoon for Millwall, as they beat Norwich City four-nil at The Den. Lee Gregory and George Saville put Millwall two up in the opening twenty minutes, Jed Wallace added their third minutes before half-time and Shaun Hutchinson made it four late on. Ipswich Town lost two-nil at Portman Road to Poor Bloody Fulham, thus ending The Tractor Boys' one hundred per cent start to the season. Neeskens Kebano put Fulham in-front on the thirty fifth minute. The London side scored a second six minutes after the restart, Rui Fonte netting for The Cottagers. Sheffield United recorded another home win, courtesy of a three-one victory over Derby County. Billy Sharp opened the scoring four minutes in. Johnny Russell added a second before half-time. Craig Bryson did plus one back for County, however Sharp scored his second, eight minutes into stoppage time. Cardiff City maintained their perfect start this afternoon, defeating Queens Park Strangers two-one in the Welsh capital. Matt Smith did give the visitors the lead on fifteenth minutes, however The Bluebirds soon hit back. Junior Hoilett equalised against his former employers moments later. Then, on the stroke of half-time Sol Bamba put Cardiff two-one in-front. In Saturday's evening kick-off, Dirty Leeds United continued their bright start with a two-nil win at Nottingham Forest. Kemar Roofe put Dirty Leeds in-front. With three minutes to play Ezgjan Alioski fired a second. Elsewhere The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters drew nil-nil with Preston Both Ends. In West-London, Brentford also played out a goalless draw against Wolverhampton Wanderings. Burton Albinos drew one-one with Sheffield Wednesday and Reading saw success on their travels with a two-nil against Hapless Harry's Birmingham City at St Andrew's.

Gianluigi Buffon thinks Serie A referees are overusing the video assistant referee system after Juventus conceded a penalty using the method for the second game in a row. The Italian top flight is one of the leagues trialling VAR this season. Juve beat Genoa four-two on Saturday with both sides having penalties awarded following video consultation. 'They are overusing it and making mistakes. I don't like it this way, it's not good,' Buffon said. 'It's something which, if used sparingly, could give us excellent results and be a good thing for football. In this way, we won't know the real value of a referee. If everyone was a little calmer and more objective, and accepted mistakes, we would accept results with more humanity. Another thing is that in football, it's not a penalty every time there is contact. You can't stop the game every three minutes - it makes it like water polo.' Juve also conceded a penalty to Cagliari on the opening day using VAR, although Buffon saved it in a three-nil win. Coach Massimiliano Allegri is also unimpressed. 'Matches become very long and we don't know when they're going to finish,' he said.

Former German international forward Lukas Podolski is reported to be considering legal action after a right-wing website printed a photo of him to illustrate an article about illegal immigration. An image of the footballer was used Breitbart in a article under the headline: Spanish Police Crack Gang Moving Migrants on Jet-Skis. The website has since amended the article and grovellingly apologised to Podolski. But the World Cup winner is reported to have asked his lawyer to look into the case. Breitbart updated the story with a new picture and said: 'A previous version of this story included an image of Lukas Podolski on a jet-ski. This image appeared as an illustration of a person on a jet-ski.' So, things we learned this week, number one: Sick right-wing scumbags don't jet-ski, seemingly. Of course, if it had been normal skiing, they would have had less problems finding a suitable image - see below. 'Breitbart London wishes to apologise to Mister Podolski,' the editor's note continued. 'There is no evidence Mister Podolski is either a migrant gang member, nor being human trafficked. We wish Mister Podolski well in his recently announced international retirement.' Podolski, who now plays for Japanese side Vissel Kobe, made his final international appearance for Germany in March against England, scoring the only goal in a one-nil victory. He left The Arse in January 2015 to join Inter Milan on loan, before then moving to Galatasaray in Turkey.

Female football fans were made to show their bras to stewards during security searches, a supporters' group has claimed. Grimsby Town fan group The Mariners Trust made the allegation in a letter to Stevenage FC after the two sides met last Saturday. It claimed that some fans wearing underwired bras were also asked by stewards at The Lamex Stadium if they could 'feel' them. Stevenage said that it was 'investigating the matter' before making any further comment when asked by the BBC whether such searches were standard procedure or were due to an increased security risk for that match. The checks, carried out by female stewards, but which the supporters' trust said were 'in full view of male stewards, fans and police,' have been described as 'a gross invasion of privacy.' The letter from the supporters' group alleges stewards asked some female fans 'if they could feel their bras.' Sounds like a line this blogger used in a bar once. True story. The group also said children as young as five were subjected to full body searches and supporters had items which were not listed as being banned confiscated from them, such as 'contact lens solution, cough sweets and medication.' The letter also alleged that a female steward was posted inside a male toilet, adding: 'The steward was asked to leave by Grimsby Town supporters, but she refused despite the fact several male stewards and police officers were stood outside.' The Mariners Trust described the treatment of supporters as 'amongst the worst our fans have experienced in decades of travelling across the world to watch football.' The letter concludes by calling on Stevenage to address the 'serious failings' as 'a matter of urgency to ensure no other visiting team's supporters are treated as animals in the way your club did on Saturday.'

Arsene Whingers Again

Keith Telly Topping absolutely loves this time of the football season; on Saturday 19 August this blogger's beloved (though tragically unsellable) Magpies without a game that day, actually went up two places in the Premier League table due to other results. Maybe that's the trick for Rafa The Gaffer's team this season, avoid playing if you possibly can. At this rate, they might even end up in the top six instead of the bottom three as seems far more likely at the moment. (Normality, for the Magpies, was thoroughly restored on Sunday with an atypically gutless, cowardly and shamefully inept performance - and defeat - at Huddersfield. Another season-long relegation battle looks likely. Whether that will be with Rafa as the Gaffer is another matter entirely.) Elsewhere, The Scum's manger, Jose Mourinho, said that he 'let the horses run freely' after a blistering three-goal burst in four second-half minutes saw his team sweep aside Swansea City to continue their impressive winning start to the Premier League season. Having initially struggled to unlock their opponents' well-drilled defence despite taking the lead, The Scum then opened the floodgates after eighty minutes as Romelu Lukaku confidently struck his third goal in two games for the club. Paul Pogba added a third two minutes later with a delicately lifted finish and, shortly afterwards, substitute Anthony Martial fired in low to give United a second four-nil win from their first two matches of the campaign. The Arse's manager, Arsene Whinger, whinged that his side were 'denied a goal and a penalty' as Jese Rodriguez enjoyed a dream start to his Dirty Stoke City career by scoring the winner against The Gurners. Former Real Madrid winger Jese, who was thrust straight into Mark Hughes' side after arriving from Paris St-Germain on Wednesday, slid in from a tight angle after being left unmarked to pick up Saido Berahino's pass. Sadio Mane earned Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws their first Premier League win of the season as Crystal Palace suffered a second straight defeat despite an improved display at Anfield. Jurgen Klopp's side were heading for a frustrating draw after wasting a string of chances when Mane prodded past Wayne Hennessey for his second league goal of the campaign. Palace, beaten three-nil at home to Huddersfield in their opening match, should have scored when the game was goalless. Christian Benteke was unmarked and eight yards out but blazed over the bar from Ruben Loftus-Cheek's pass. Harry Maguire scored his first Leicester goal as The Foxes eased to a first win of the season against a timid Brighton & Hove Albinos side in a scrappy affair at The King Power Stadium. The hosts led inside a minute when Shinji Okazaki tapped in after new Seagulls goalkeeper Mathew Ryan spilled a low effort from the impressive Riyad Mahrez. Brighton's Glenn Murray had a goal disallowed for offside before the break but, in truth, the newly promoted side offered little threat as they fell to a second successive defeat in the top tier. Craig Shakespeare's side produced an efficient display without ever seeming to build relentless pressure, but their day was soured a little in injury time when Jamie Vardy was forced to hobble off after contesting a fifty-fifty ball with Ryan. Ten-man West Hamsters United twice came from behind but Charlie Austin's injury time penalty gave Southampton their first victory under Mauricio Pellegrino. Having failed to score in their last six home matches, The Saints took the lead after only ten minutes when Manolo Gabbiadini side-footed past Grossly Over-Rated Wankhands Joe Hart. The Hamsters' problems then spiralled, as Marko Arnautovic was sent off for elbowing Jack Stephens in the mush, before Dusan Tadic made it two-nil from the penalty spot after Jose Fonte brought down Steven Davis. Summer signing Javier Hernandez thought he had snatched an unlikely comeback for the visitors with two goals from close range either side of half-time. But The Hamsters conceded a second penalty when Pablo Zabaleta bundled into Maya Yoshida and substitute Austin coolly slotted past Hart to leave Slavan Bilic's side bottom of the league after two games with a goal difference of minus five, one worse than Palace and Brighton. Substitute Hal Robson-Kanu scored the winner and was later sent off as West Bromwich Albinos made it two wins from two with victory at Burnley. The match was short on entertainment until Robson-Kanu gave it a shot of adrenaline with a brilliant strike. The Welsh international, who came on seven minutes earlier, pounced on a Matt Phillips flick, held off two challenges and fired in low past keeper Tom Heaton. However, the striker did not see out the rest of the match as he was shown a red card in the eighty third minute for catching Matt Lowton with his elbow. Burnley wasted chances at the other end, and will be hoping Leeds striker Chris Wood, who they look likely to sign, will be less profligate. Brazilian winger Richarlison was described as 'a great talent' by manager Marco Silva after his first Premier League goal helped Watford to victory over Bournemouth at The Vitality Stadium. Richarlison, an eleven million knicker summer signing from Fluminense, opened the scoring when he prodded the ball into the net from close range following a cross from The Hornets record signing Andre Gray. Substitute Etienne Capoue doubled The Hornets lead with a fine twenty five-yard strike late on. Bournemouth had chances as Benik Afobe had a shot saved by Heurelho Gomes and Joshua King headed over. The Cherries have now lost both Premier League games this season, while Watford have picked up four points.

Conor Hourihane grabbed a hat-trick as Aston Villains answered their - many - critics in some style with a scintillating four-two home triumph over Norwich City in The Championship. Keinan Davis made a sparkling first-team debut up front and was involved in The Villains' two first-half goals - scored by Hourihane and Andre Green. The Canaries hit back with a sixtieth-minute strike from Josh Murphy, but Hourihane bagged his second eight minutes later and, although Norwich stormed back through Nelson Oliveira's strike on seventy nine minutes, Hourihane made sure of Steve Bruce's Villains' first Championship win of the season after just one point from their first three games by completing his hat-trick five minutes from time. Nathaniel Mendez-Laing's second-half goal helped table toppers Cardiff maintain their perfect start to the season with a two-one victory over fellow high-flyers Wolverhampton Wanderings. After a goalless first-half at Molineux, Joe Ralls converted Junior Hoilett's cross from the left to give The Bluebirds the lead. Leo Bonatini levelled from close range, the first goal conceded by Cardiff in the Championship this season. Mendez-Laing's fourth league goal of the season restored the lead for Neil Warnock's side, though, as Wolves' own one hundred per cent start was brought to an end. Ipswich are hot on the heels of Cardiff after they completed their own fourth win in succession with a comfortable two goal triumph at home to winless Brentford. Martyn Waghorn scored his fourth goal of the season to put The Tractor Boys in front and Joe Garner added a second just after the break. Nottingham Forest continued their fine start to the season by beating The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters two-one at The City Ground. Barrie McKay handed the hosts the lead, while former Forest striker Britt Assombalonga, a fourteen million knicker summer signing for 'Boro, wasted a couple of good chances either side of the break. Daryl Murphy, brought in from Newcastle to replace Assombalonga, made the visitors pay with a penalty after Ben Gibson, who went on to score a consolation, fouled Ben Brereton in the box. ten minutes from time​ David Nugent scored twice to leave Notlob Wanderers still searching for their first win after a two-one defeat at The Macron Stadium. Nugent put Derby in front after eight minutes and the former England striker added his second midway through the first-half, with Gary Madine scoring a consolation for Notlob in added time. Idrissa Sylla scored a last-gasp winner as Queens Park Strangers came from behind to beat Hull two-one at Loftus Road. Jarrod Bowen handed The Tigers the lead before Matt Smith levelled and Sylla got the second. Sheffield United secured bragging rights in the South Yorkshire derby against Barnsley with a win at Bramall Lane in the day's early kick-off. Billy Sharp got the only goal of the game, but both sides were reduced to ten men as Leon Clarke and Angus MacDonald walked after a geet rive-on punch-up with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts just before half-time. Steven Fletcher's second-half strike secured Sheffield Wednesday a one goal win at Poor Bloody Fulham, Jordan Hugill scored the only goal in Preston Both End's victory against Reading, while Bristol City and Millwall played out a goalless draw. In the final game of the day, Dirty Leeds overcame want-away striker Chris Wood's absence to maintain their unbeaten start to the Championship with a two-nil win at Blunderland. Wood, who is reportedly close to a move to Burnley, was not even in Thomas Christiansen's squad for the fixture at The Stadium Of Plight. However, being without the New Zealand international had little impact on his team-mates as Dirty Leeds produced a controlled display to claim the points against The Mackems who continued their uneven start to the season, currently sitting mid-table with five points from their four games.

One Walsall fan has found himself with an invitation to meet the team and have his travel to Portsmouth reimbursed after taking to social media to say he got his accommodation plans a little wrong. In an effort to find a cheap hotel room for a weekend away to watch The Saddlers take on Pompey in League One, fan Davey Drew apparently booked into digs eleven miles away. That eleven miles, however, unwittingly turned out to be across The Solent on the Isle of Wight, an entire ferry trip away from his intended destination. Inconvenient, for sure. But Walsall boss Jon Whitney and his players saw the funnier side and were quick to offer to help cover costs and arrange to meet the fan who needlessly took to the high seas to follow them. While all the extra travel did not ultimately end with victory celebrations, as Portsmouth and Walsall played out a one-all draw, there are worse stops to make on away days.

One thing has become abundantly clear in the early weeks of the EFL this season - you get your money's worth by watching Yeovil Town. There have been twenty tow goals in their first three League Two games so far. However, of those twenty two, fourteen have been goals they have conceded. After being on the receiving end of an eight-two pants down hiding at Luton on the opening day, they bounced back by beating Accrington Stanley (Who Are They?) At that stage, you could say The Glovers season was pretty much back on track, albeit after just two games. But Yeovil managed to lose four-three against Forest Green on Saturday, despite twice leading by two goals. In contrast, Northampton Town left it until their third game of the season to register their first league goal. Unfortunately for The Cobblers it was a consolation as they were defeated four-one away at Charlton Not Very Athletic. Carlisle United cruised to a comfortable win over Cheltenham to register their first home win of the League Two campaign. Harry Pell's own goal and a Reggie Lambe header in the first half virtually settled the issue and defender Tom Miller put the outcome beyond doubt with a second-half strike. Carlisle's first attack produced a fifth-minute goal as Shaun Miller forced a corner and Danny Grainger's inswinger from the right had the Cheltenham defence panicked. In the ensuing scramble, Pell's attempted clearance flew past his own goalkeeper Jon Flatt and into the net to the vast amusement of the home supporters. Accrington Stanley (Who Are They?) striker Billy Kee bundled home a stoppage-time winner to end pre-season promotion favourites Mansfield's unbeaten start to the League Two season. Sean McConville's corner was not cleared and, in a goalmouth melee, Kee scrambled home his third goal of the campaign two minutes into added time to seal a two-one victory for the hosts. Exeter maintained their unbeaten start to the League Two season with a hard-fought win over Lincoln at the other St James' Park. Reuben Reid grabbed the only goal of the game before the break with a fine strike following neat build-up play from Liam McAlinden. Donal McDermott scored the only goal of the game as top of the table Swindon Town prevailed at Morecambe. Substitute Jabo Ibehre scored the only goal of the game as Cambridge earned their first win of the season by inflicting a fourth straight defeat on bottom club Crawley. In The National League, Kieron Cadogan grabbed a last-minute winner for early pace-setters Sutton in a pulsating win three-two at Chester. Bromley built on their exciting unbeaten start to the season with a win at home to struggling Hartlepool whilst Gatesheed bolstered their unbeaten start to the campaign with a resounding three-nil victory over Macclesfield. The Tynesiders led after just five minutes when Fraser Kerr prodded in Richard Peniket's centre at the far post. Jordan Preston and Jordan Burrows added subsequent strikes. Guiseley turned impending defeat into victory against Torquay at Nethermoor Park with two late goals.

The former-Premier League footballer Peter Beagrie has been extremely sacked as a Sky Sports pundit after being convicted of an assault on his partner. The fifty one-year-old ex-Everton, Manchester City and Bradford City winger reportedly punched Zarah Blake while he was 'angry and drunk,' his trial heard. Beagrie, of Killinghall in North Yorkshire, was sentenced to a twelve-month community order on Tuesday. He said that he intended to appeal against his conviction. In a statement following the hearing at Skipton Magistrates Court, Beagrie said: 'I am innocent, something I have maintained from the outset; that is why the verdict was so devastating. I will be appealing.' He said that he was still with Blake, adding: 'This has been an upsetting and traumatic time for us and we both feel there is no other alternative but to appeal.' The court heard that he punched his partner during an argument in Harrogate in April. A Sky Sports spokesman said: 'When we first became aware of the charge, we removed Peter from our coverage pending his case. Following the outcome we have terminated his contract with immediate effect.'

Real Madrid forward Cristiano Ronaldo said that the decision to suspend him for five games is 'persecution.' The thirty two-year-old failed in his appeal against the ban for the red card he received in Real Madrid's three-one win against Barcelona in the Super Cup a fortnight ago. He was given a one-match ban for receiving two yellow cards and a further four game ban for pushing the referee after he had been sent off. The bookings at the Nou Camp were for taking off his shirt to celebrate his goal and for a dive. Ronaldo will miss Wednesday's second leg and will not return to domestic action until 20 September against Real Betis. However, he will be able to play in the Champions League. In an Instagram post, after his failed appeal, he whinged: 'It seems to me exaggerated and ridiculous, this is called persecution.' It's also called funny. Madrid had signalled their intent to appeal against Ronaldo's second yellow card shown for diving eight minutes from time when he went down inside the area under pressure from defender Samuel Umtiti. The forward was only on the field for twenty four minutes as he was introduced as a second-half substitute and fired into the top corner ten minutes from time to give Madrid a two-one lead. It was Ronaldo's tenth red card of his career.

Same Old Story

Substitute Olivier Giroud headed in a dramatic late winner as The Arse fought back to beat Leicester City in a thrilling start to the 2017-18 Premier League season on Friday evening. The Gunners trailed three-two with seven minutes to go before Aaron Ramsey and Giroud swung the game back in the home side's favour at a euphoric Emirates Stadium. Alexandre Lacazette headed The Gunners ahead ninety four seconds into his top-flight debut, only for Shinji Okazaki to head an equaliser just two minutes later. Jamie Vardy then shot the visitors ahead from Marc Albrighton's cross, before Danny Welbeck drew The Arse level at the end of a pulsating opening half. Leicester took the lead again when Vardy headed in Riyad Mahrez's corner before Arsene Wenger made an inspired double substitution which sparked The Arse's comeback. Substitute Ramsey smashed in an angled drive - from a corner which was won after Mesut Özil appeared to handle in the build-up - before Giroud showed athleticism and strength to meet Granit Xhaka's corner.

On Saturday, nine-man Moscow Chelski FC made a disastrous start to their Premier League title defence as they were beaten at home by Burnley. The champions had Gary Cahill sent off early on for a dangerous tackle and The Clarets made their numerical advantage count as they stormed into a three goal lead before half-time, with Sam Vokes netting twice and Stephen Ward also getting on the scoresheet. Substitute Alvaro Morata fired home on his league debut midway through the second half to reduce the deficit. Moscow Chelski's hopes of mounting a comeback looked to have been ended when Cesc Fabregas was given his marching orders with ten minutes left to play but David Luiz netted two minutes from time to set up a frantic finale. Frank De Boer's Crystal Palace reign got off to a nightmare start as Huddersfield Town stormed to victory at Selhurst Park in their first ever Premier League match. Palace defender Joel Ward turned the ball into his own net to hand The Terriers the lead midway through the first half and minutes later record signing Steve Mounie doubled the visitors' advantage. Mounie capped a dream debut with another goal after the break to earn David Wagner's newly-promoted team an impressive win. Palace fans started the season with renewed optimism amid De Boer's appointment as manager but they will be worried by their woeful performance. Wayne Rooney scored on his second Premier League debut for Everton to earn The Toffees victory against Dirty Stoke City. Jordan Pickford made a brilliant stop late on from Xherdan Shaqiri to prevent a Dirty Stoke equaliser. Mauricio Pellegrino had to settle for a point in his first match as Southampton manager as his side wasted a series of chances against Swansea who failed to muster a single shot on target and will be relieved to have escaped with a point against a Saints side which has now failed to score at St Mary's in five hundred and forty five minutes. Tony Pulis celebrated signing an extended contract in the best possible fashion as West Bromwich Albinos began the new campaign with a one-nil win over Bournemouth at The Hawthorns. New signing Ahmed Hegazi enjoyed a dream debut, heading headed home Chris Brunt's free-kick. Earlier, Watford and the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws shared six goals in the lunchtime kick-off. The Redds had looked set to take all three points as they twice fought back to lead three-two at Vicarage Road but Miguel Britos' injury-time strike earned the hosts a share of the spoils. In Saturday's evening game, newly promoted Brighton & Hove Albinos were beaten two-nil at home by Sheikh Yer Man City. On Sunday, at a flat and dispirited St James Park where just about all of the goodwill from last season's promotion appears to have evaporated in a cloud of lack-of-ambition, this blogger's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies were given a ruddy good hiding by Stottingtot Hotshots. Their cause was not helped, however, by Jonjo Shelvy stupidly getting himself sent off for stamping on Dele Alli.

Wandering idly through Th' Toon on Tuesday toward the bank so that this blogger could get some money out to buy something for Us Dinner at Stately Telly Topping Manor, Keith Telly Topping only went and bumped into the broadcasting legend that is his former BBC Newcastle colleague Simon Pryde. So, the pair of us had a very productive five minute whinge about how ruddy dreadfully this blogger's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies are probably going to get on this season without more investment in the squad. As we men do. This blogger was then quoted - twice - on that evening's episode of Total Sport. And, Keith Telly Topping was even quoted more-or-less accurately as well. (What he actually said was 'if somebody gave me a thirteenth place finish now, I'd snatch their hand off!')

Children as young as ten were injured after a brawl broke out between more than two hundred football fans in a coach park. Five people were arrested in the wake of the fight after the Middlesbrough Smog Monsters versus Sheffield United game on Saturday. Cleveland Pollis said that youngsters were 'terrified' by the geet rive-on violence with kids getting sparked and aal sorts, which left one police officer in hospital. Disorder began just before the final whistle when Blades fans - whom this blogger has never particularly liked since one of them pulled a knife on him at at FA Cup Semi Final a couple of decades ago - thought their team had scored a last minute equaliser, only for it to be disallowed. Those held remain in custody while inquiries continue. Cleveland Police Assistant Chief Constable Jason Harwin said that the force would 'absolutely not tolerate violence of this nature.' He added: 'The vast majority of fans accept that football is a family game, watched by children, parents and grandparents. It is terrifying for children to witness such violence, or be innocently embroiled in it as their parents frantically try to keep them safe. Unfortunately a small minority of people behave in a manner which puts innocent fans at risk.' The Smoggies won the Championship game by a single goal.

Sky could be forced to pay an extra six hundred million knicker annually to retain the lion's share of Premier League matches when the next rights auction launches this year, with Amazon emerging as a potential competitor for the biggest prize in UK sport broadcasting. Google, Apple, Facebook and Netflix are other possible rivals for Britain's most valuable sports rights, which are split between Sky and BT under the current three-year deal. The prospect of a heated auction involving deep-pocketed tech firms has led analysts to estimate that Sky might have to pay a premium of up to forty five per cent on the four billion smackers plus it paid last time. That means a further £1.8bn, or six hundred million quid annually, to keep Silicon Valley off the ball. 'We expect Sky to pay forty to forty five per cent more in the next Premier League rights auction,' Thomas Singlehurst, an analyst at investment bank Citi, who has rounded up his peers' forecasts told the Gruniad. 'The base case consensus [of Sky analysts] is that payments go up by six hundred million pounds a year from the 2019-20 season.' This year there has been significant inflation in the sports rights market: the UK rights to the Champions League rose by thirty two per cent, the England and Wales Cricket board nearly trebled its deal for the England cricket team and the Football League is set to increase its next deal by more than thirty per cent. This month it emerged that Amazon has entered British sports broadcasting by outbidding Sky for the UK rights to ATP World Tour tennis, to go alongside its small deal with the NFL in the US. Amazon's surprise move comes at a perfect time for the Premier League, which has been happily flagging the potential interest of tech groups and streaming powerhouses in a bid to ensure it tops the last auction, when Sky and BT bid £5.14bn for one hundred and sixty eight matches per season over three years. 'It would be daft if we didn't think about how different auctions play out,' said Andy Haworth, the managing director of content and strategy at BT. 'The content market is always evolving with new players entering all the time.' The value of Premier League rights has rocketed five-fold from what seemed a heady one billion notes in 2004. It means that generating a profit from broadcasting top-flight football is no easy business even for global digital giants. The ten million knicker cost of a year of Amazon's ATP tennis deal would buy it about eighty one minutes of one match of the eleven million quid per game Sky pays under its current deal. The next auction will kick-off before the year end with a tender that will outline how many matches are available, over what time period and in how many packages. Last time, Sky won five of the seven packages. The auction is expected to conclude early next year.

Soccer AM presenter Helen Chamberlain is leaving her role on Sky's once very popular football chat show after twenty two years. The Torquay United fan will be replaced by comedian Lloyd Griffith and former footballer Jimmy Bullard. The news was shared by Soccer AM in a tweet which read: 'Farewell and thank you to Mrs Soccer AM. This place won't be the same without you.' Hells Bells joined the Sky Sports show in 1995 and presented it - brilliantly - alongside Tim Lovejoy until he left in 2007. Along with three quarters of the audience at the time, including this blogger. She most recently co-hosted with John Fendley (no, me neither) who will continue to present the show alongside its new hosts.

Here We Go Again!

After three and a half months of Saturdays without football, the English Football League finally exploded back into life this weekend with a shitload of drama, excitement and incident across the three divisions. Leo Bonatini scored on his Championship debut as big-spending Wolverhampton Wanderings beat recently-relegated Middlesbrough Smog Monsters at Molineux. The Brazilian striker, signed on a season-long loan from Saudi Arabian club Al Hilal, capitalised on a defensive mistake from The Smoggies' Daniel Ayala to score the only goal after thirty three minutes. Bobby Reid netted a brace and Famara Diedhiou scored on his first appearance as Bristol City beat Barnsley three-one at Ashton Gate. Reid put the hosts ahead after sixteen minutes before setting up Senegalese striker Diedhiou, a club-record five million knicker signing from Angers, who headed home at the back post. Midfielder Reid then added his second of the day from close range on the half-hour as The Robins ran riot in the first period. Ryan Hedges pulled a goal back for The Tykes in added time but it was not enough to deny City boss Lee Johnson victory against his former club. Billy Sharp picked up where he left off last season by scoring the only goal in Sheffield United's win over Brentford at Bramall Lane. The striker scored thirty goals in League One last term and took just thirty nine minutes to open his account for the new campaign, The Blades' first in the second tier for six years. Joe Garner also got off to the perfect start to the season by scoring on his Ipswich debut in the victory at home against Hapless Harry Redknapp's Birmingham. The former Glasgow Rangers striker completed a counter-attack five minutes after half-time to seal three points for The Tractor Boys at Portman Road. Conor Washington fared even better as he scored twice in Queens Park Stranger's two-nil win over ten-man Reading at Loftus Road. The ex-Peterborough forward headed the hosts into the lead on twenty two minutes and converted a penalty on the hour mark after Royals defender Tiago Ilori was sent off. Daniel Johnson's second-half penalty helped Preston Both Ends to victory at home to Sheffield Wednesday while Kenneth Zohore netted a late winner in Cardiff's one-nil triumph at Burton Albinos. Elsewhere, Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance were the beneficiaries of a twenty fifth-minute Russell Martin own goal but Nelson Oliveira stepped off the bench to earn a one-all draw for Norwich at Craven Cottage. Big spending Aston Villains - and their horrible sour-faced support - drew one-one with relegated Hull in the late game on Saturday, while on Friday night Nottingham Forest beat Millwall one-nil and The Mackem Filth began life in The Championship with a one-all draw with Derby County. Jarrod Bowen scored his first Hull goal as The Tigers came from behind to draw at Villa Park, where The Villains gave a debut to former England and Moscow Chelski FC captain John Terry. The Black Cats finished extremely bottom of The Premier League last season to end a ten-year stay in the top flight and fell behind at The Stadium of Plight when Bradley Johnson fired home for Derby. Summer signing Lewis Grabban equalised from the penalty spot for Blunderland just before half-time after Jacob Butterfield handled. Both sides could have won it, with Grabban hitting the post from eighteen yards while Derby's Chris Martin fired over from close range. Substitute David Nugent also had a late chance to earn The Rams all three points but could not connect cleanly with a volley.

Title-favourites Blackburn Vindaloos were beaten on the opening day of the League One season, as Tony Mowbray's side suffered a two-one defeat at Southend. Having been relegated from The Championship last term, The Vindaloos brought in Bradley Dack, Peter Whittingham and Richard Smallwood to Ewood Park over the summer. All three were handed debuts at Roots Hall, but first-half efforts from Ryan Leonard and Michael Kightly put The Shrimpers in control. Charlie Mulgrew pulled one back with a free-kick eight minutes after half-time but the hosts held on. Of the other sides relegated to the third tier last term, Rotherham lost two-nil at Fleetwood and Wigan Not Very Athletic won one-nil at the MK Dons. Conor McAleny netted either side of the interval as Fleetwood made a winning start, while Nick Powell earned Wigan all three points in their first game under Paul Cook in a contest which saw both sides reduced to ten men. Last season's League Two champions, Portsmouth, secured a two-nil victory over Rochdale in their first match under new owner Michael Eisner. The former Disney executive was welcomed onto the pitch before kick-off after his Tornante Group bought out the Pompey Supporters' Trust earlier in the week. Plymouth endured a tough start to life in the third tier with a two-one defeat at Peterborough, with Gary Sawyer putting the ball into his own net after only four minutes and Junior Morias adding a second shortly after half-time. Gregg Wylde scored Plymouth's consolation. Doncaster, the third of the sides automatically promoted, drew nil-nil with Gillingham at the Keepmoat Stadium. Last season's beaten play-off finalists Bradford City beat newly-promoted Blackpool two-one, Charlton overcame Bristol Rovers by a single goal and Scunthorpe drew against AFC Wimbledon. The dubious honour for the 2017-18 season's first sending off went to Lee Novak. The Charlton forward walked after just six minutes for a bad tackle on Stuart Sinclair. Jermaine Beckford missed a third-minute penalty but then headed home in first-half stoppage time to hand Bury a one-nil win over Walsall, while Oxford were two goal winners at Oldham and Shrewsbury beat Northampton thanks to Lenell John-Lewis' stoppage-time effort.
     James Collins fired a hat-trick on his debut as Luton Town thrashed League Two rivals Yeovil eight-two at Kenilworth Road. Otis Khan's free-kick gave Yeovil an early lead, but Luton hit back through Olly Lee, Collins and Alan McCormack before Isaac Vassell struck twice in as many minutes to put his side five-one ahead at half-time. Marek Stech then saved Khan's penalty and Collins helped himself to two more after the break before Francois Zoko headed Yeovil's second. Elliott Lee added Luton's eighth in injury time. It was the first time since 1955 that The Hatters had scored eight in a Football League game and the first time since 1988 they had been involved in a game that produced ten or more goals. As for the hapless Glovers, this equals the margin of their heaviest league defeat, a painful six-nil loss to Stevenage in 2012. Of all the towns and cities to have hosted a Football League team, Nailsworth in Gloucestershire is one of the smallest with a population of just under six thousand. The town is the home of Forest Green Rovers, promoted to the EFL for the first time in their history last season. Not bad, given that they only joined The Conference in 1998. Forest Green were denied victory in their first ever Football League fixture after letting slip a two-goal lead to draw two-two at home against Barnet. The National League play-off winners led at half-time thanks to Christian Doidge's double, but Barnet hit back in the second half through Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro and Jamal Campbell-Ryce before having Jack Taylor sent off in the closing stages. Lincoln marked their first Football League game in six years with a two-two draw at Wycombe. Wanderers scored twice in three minutes shortly before half-time through Luke O'Nien and Joe Jacobson after Matt Green had given Lincoln the lead, but Josh Ginnelly fired The Imps level soon after the restart. Accrington Stanley (who are they?) made a winning start by beating Colchester three one at home. Kayden Jackson and Billy Kee gave Accrington a two goal half-time lead and Omar Beckles added a third before Sammie Szmodics scored a late consolation. Swindon won their first game following relegation from league One with a two-one victory at Carlisle. Luke Norris and Paul Mullin headers either side of the break gave Swindon a two-nil lead before Luke Joyce pulled one back for the Cumbrians. Grimsby won three-one at Chesterfield, where both sides ended the game with ten men. Nathan Clarke and Sam Jones gave Grimsby a two-goal lead at half-time and after Kristian Dennis had pulled one back for Chesterfield, Ben Davies struck again for The Mariners from the penalty spot after Ian Evatt was sent off. Grimsby's Zak Mills received a second yellow card three minutes later. Relegation to the bottom tier of English football's professional league structure last season for the first time since 1959 was a nadir for Coventry City. Sometimes, however, you need to take a step back to take two steps forward and that seems to be the mantra for Mark Robins' side. Jodi Jones' hat-trick secured The Sky Blues a three-nil home win against Notts County. Jones opened the scoring after kick-off had been delayed ten minutes due to thunder and lightning and very, very frightening torrential rain at The Ricoh Arena and scored twice more in the closing stages in front of a - presumably, quite wet - ten thousand plus crowd. Port Vale ran out comfortable three-one winners at Harry Kewell's Crawley. Michael Tonge's early free-kick and Antony Kay's header put Vale in control and although Enzio Boldewijn reduced the arrears, Dan Turner headed the visitors' third. Promotion favourites Mansfield twice came from behind to earn a two-two draw at Crewe. Chris Porter gave Crewe the lead on both occasions, but his strikes were cancelled out by Danny Rose and then David Mirfin. Reuben Reid's early goal secured Exeter a home win against Cambridge. Reid's third-minute penalty, after Jake Carroll had handled, was saved by Cambridge goalkeeper David Forde, but the Exeter striker still scored League Two's opening goal of the season two minutes later. Garry Thompson's stoppage-time effort clinched Morecambe a two-one home win against Cheltenham. Mohamed Eisa fired Cheltenham in front, but Thompson equalised early in the second period and fired the winner in the first minute of time added on. Shawn McCloskey struck in stoppage time to earn Newport a three-three draw at Stevenage. Stevenage led through Tom Pett and although Frank Nouble levelled, Dale Gorman converted a penalty for the home side, after Scot Bennett's foul on Luke Wilkinson, and Danny Newton added a third. But Mickey Demetriou smashed home Newport's second and McCloskey levelled in the fourth minute of time added on.

Yeovil Town's players and staff have agreed to refund the two hundred and fifty eight fans who travelled to their eight-two opening day defeat at Luton. Skipper James Bailey told the club website: 'We know we let ourselves and the fans down. As a group, we want to apologise and give fans their money back.' Manager Darren Way added: 'Saturday was never going to be easy but the manner of the defeat was totally unacceptable and I apologise to the supporters and take full responsibility for that. Paying supporters their money back is a collective decision - we're not happy with just apologising, but at the same time know our best apology will come on the pitch in the coming weeks.' The League Two side will release details of how fans can claim their refund next week. Yeovil's players are not the first to reimburse travelling fans after an away day nightmare. Blunderland's players refunded the two thousand five hundred Mackem supporters who saw their side fall to a humiliating eight-nil defeat at Southampton in October 2015. Then Blunderland manager, Gus Poyet, labelled the woeful display as his 'most embarrassing' moment in football. In January 2016 Charlton Not Very Athletic's players did the same for the one hundred and sixty six fans who made the trip to see their side go down five-nil at Huddersfield, in a performance that club captain Johnnie Jackson called 'disgraceful.' Earlier this year, Bristol City's players refunded the three hundred and twelve fans who made the three hundred and eighty six-mile round trip to Preston Both Ends to see the Robins lose five-nil.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle concluded their pre-season programme with a comfortable two-nil victory over the Italian side Hellas Verona at St James' Park on a damp Sunday afternoon. Early goals from Ayoze Perez and Christian Atsu won the game and - as with last week's victory over VfL Wolfsburg - there were some encouraging performances as Rafa Benitez's side prepare for the visit of Stottingtot Hotshots in less than a week. Matt Ritchie hit the post with a free-kick in the second half and Rolando Aarons should have got a third with a header six yards from goal while Rob Elliot (and substitute Karl Darlow) had very quiet afternoons in the Newcastle goal. United wore their all black third kit and a healthy crowd of almost twenty four thousand - over five thousand more than the home friendly against Vitesse Arnhem last season - saw the home side dominate the game. Perez was on target in the first attack of the game when Jonjo Shelvey played in new signing Javier Manquillo down the right and Perez tucked away his neat cross on the volley at the near post. Atsu got his goal eight minutes later when Shelvey's long ball forward to Aleksandar Mitrovic deflected into the path of Atsu and he smashed the ball between goalkeeper and post at the Leazes End. Dwight Gayle was missing from the United squad but Rafa the Gaffer expects last season's top scorer to be fit for the Premier League opener next Sunday.

Burnley's pre-season friendly at home to German club Hannover was abandoned on police advice after crowd trouble and 'a geet rive-on, with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts.' Apparently. Trouble broke out in the first half in the Hannover fans' section at Turf Moor on Saturday. Burnley, who had been leading one-nil after a header from Ben Mee, announced at half-time that the game had been abandoned. 'We went on police advice. We are still piecing together the details,' said Burnley manager Sean Dyche. Seats were ripped up and thrown after visiting supporters surged towards the home fans in the Cricket Field Stand around five minutes before the end of the first half. Home supporters were moved from the stand as police moved in with truncheons drawn. And, there was a great wailing and kicking of teeth. The players did not appear for the start of the second half with the decision taken to abandon the match. Chief Superintendent Chris Bithell, of Lancashire Police, said that the decision was taken 'following consultation between the police match commander, the referee and Burnley FC's grounds safety officer.' He added: 'This follows violent behaviour by a group of travelling Hannover fans, who attempted to attack fans in the home stands, as well as police officers and stewards.' Dyche added: 'The referee came to see me and said he wanted us in the room just to get a feel for our general thoughts. I made it clear. It comes down to safety. The police decided to call it off and we support that. We understand that. It's important what the team do, but it's not as important as people coming to a football match. You want safety. You don't want people to get hurt. It's a shame what has happened but it's done, as simple as that. In the bigger picture I think the lads are fit and well. I think they've shown some good signs in pre-season and I think there's still more to come.' On Saturday night, Hannover released a statement condemning the behaviour of their fans. 'Our attitude is clear: Hannover Ninety Six condemns the incidents in the stadium and dissociates itself vehemently from any kind of violence,' the club said.

An influential supporters' group says there is a 'worrying disconnect between clubs and fans' and most feel ignored on issues such as ticket prices. The Football Supporters' Federation has made the claim based on its National Fans' Survey, an online questionnaire which attracted almost eight and a half thousand responses. 'Supporters want their clubs to listen,' said FSF chair Malcolm Clarke. But, they don't. Not that they ever have, of course, but these days whinging about it is 'news', apparently. Over thirty million fans attended Premier League and EFL games last season. The EFL recorded its highest cumulative attendances for almost sixty years, with more than eighteen million fans watching matches. The Premier League has questioned how representative the survey is, saying that the findings are 'at odds' with its own fan surveys. Well, they would, wouldn't they? The EFL pointed out its own regulations call for clubs to meet fan representatives 'at least' twice a season, while adding its own fan survey this summer had attracted more than twenty two thousand responses so far. Of those responding to the FSF survey, sixty eight per cent said they felt their club does not care about their views and the same number believed that Premier League clubs are 'too focused' on 'growing a global brand.' Which, they are but we're never going to put that genie back in the bottle so, why bother to complain about it? This blogger has already given his own opinion - at length - about the way in which sick and wicked greed has destroyed The People's Game.