You Couldn't Make It Up

Rafael Benitez's - with hindsight, utterly inevitable - departure from this blogger's beloved (though still, tragically, unsellable) Newcastle United will leave the long-suffering Toon Army nursing an acute and bitter sense of betrayal. And - if this is actually even possible - widen the already gaping chasm of outright loathing between themselves and the club's owner, Mike Ashley. Some Magpies supporters began Monday of this week publicising a 'Rafa Appreciation Week' as the clock ran down on Rafa The Gaffer's contract, due to expire on Sunday, only to end the day organising a, rather forlorn and utterly meaningless, 'protest' at the Sir Bobby Robson statue at St James' Park as Rafa prepared to clear out his desk. Only at Newcastle, dear blog reader. 'We have worked hard to extend Rafa's contract over a significant period of time. However, it has not been - and will not be - possible to reach an agreement with Rafa and his representatives,' the club claimed in a statement. One or two people even believed them. 'Rafa's coaching staff, Paco de Míguel Moreno, Antonio Gómez Perez and Mikel Antia, will also leave the club on 30 June. We would like to thank Rafa and his coaching team for their efforts over the last three years and their significant contribution to what has been collectively achieved.' The inclusion of the word 'collectively' was, understandably, met with utter derision on Tyneside. 'We would also like to thank our supporters, players and staff for their patience during a period of uncertainty.' One is sure that the vast majority of Newcastle's long-suffering supporters, players and staff would, collectively, like to tell the club's hierarchy exactly where they can shove their bland offer of 'thanks'. 'The process to appoint a successor will now begin,' they concluded. Which, one imagines, will be a right good laugh and, at the same time, a painful exercise in the blind leading the blind. This was the latest, devastating, blow to the club's loyal-to-the-borders-of-stupidity support as a manager whom they trusted to the point of hero-worship simply could not find enough common ground with Ashley to contemplate staying on Tyneside. Or, far more likely, Ashley had made Rafa, to paraphrase Don Corleone,  'an offer he couldn't accept.' This blogger will leave it up to you to form an opinion on that one, dear blog reader. Thus, a week before the new pre-season starts, the club has announced that Benitez's contract will not be renewed. Unbelievable, but sadly inevitable given the lack of positivity which has been coming out of Barrack Road all summer long. With the benefit of hindsight, this blogger thinks all fans should have probably worked out where this was heading as soon as the much heralded 'talks' between Rafa and Ashley, held soon after last season finished in the second week of May, didn't produce the announcement of the signing of a new contract within days. All talks of potential takeovers have gone suspiciously quiet - as they have done on least a dozen occasions before during the previous decade - and, with pre-season due to start next Monday, this leaves the club in limbo ahead of what will, surely, be another battle-to-avoid-relegation campaign. The club's biggest asset has gone leaving a squad which is already woefully weak with players already leaving and several more expected to follow or to be agitating for moves out of this toxic swamp in the coming weeks.

Benitez and Ashley always seemed the most unlikely of marriages since they came together in March 2016, following the sacking of Ashley's last, disastrous, appointment, Steve McClaren. The Spaniard has never been shy of engaging in political manoeuvring; he proved that with his sometimes fractious relationships with those above him at several clubs. At Valencia, he made his infamous 'I hoped for a sofa and they bought me a lamp' quote over the club's transfer policy whilst, at Liverpool, many inside Anfield reportedly felt no matter what level of control and finance he was handed, he would have wanted more. Ashley, meanwhile, is the billionaire who runs a club he bought - seemingly hoping for a quick resale and profit but without bothering to do any due diligence and thus didn't realise either the size of the debt the club's previous ownership had run up or the fact that a credit crunch was just around the corner and the days of rich men buying Premier League football clubs as their playthings was about to be a thing of the past - his own way. He is someone who cedes control to no-one, helped by a skin so thick that it is hard to think of any owner of any football club in the world so utterly unmoved by dissent, discontent or outright hatred from supporters. In fact, to be frank, the biggest surprise is that Ashley and Benitez have lasted so long together. The public relations battle, of course, is a no contest. Benitez is - and will continue to be - seen by the club's supporters and by the media as a manager of no little tactical brilliance who has had Newcastle punching well above their weight for the last two seasons, with Ashley viewed as the quasi comedy villain who has claimed another backstabbing victim to go in the cupboard alongside Kevin Keegan, Alan Shearer and Chris Hughton. A tenure of abysmal failure and unmitigated disaster has, it would seem, hit a new low. Even the most pessimistic and hardened United supporters couldn't have envisaged as shambolic a summer as this, but we really should have since we've had plenty of previous experience. Who can blame Rafa and his colleagues for walking away? He had comparatively little to work with in terms of transfer funds and playing squads and each successful survival was something of a minor miracle. During his time at Newcastle, Benitez managed to re-unite an, at times openly mutinous, fanbase behind his team - who, despite some limitations at least appears to have a pride in the shirt - and succeeded in legitimising the club in football circles, giving The Magpies a measure of direction, respectability and even a splash self-respect, something which Newcastle had precious little of during the tenures of most previous Ashley appointees. The multiple messages of support from current squad players on social media to and about Benitez reflects the depth of feeling for him and the disquiet - within the club as well as outside of it - over his loss. The deal offered to him was almost certainly deliberately designed to engineer his exit - with no room for negotiation - and his departure, once again, makes Newcastle appear to be both directionless and foolish. It has been reported that Benitez himself had no prior knowledge of Monday's announcement until an acquaintance contacted him to say that the news of his departure was being broadcast on Sky Sports News. Another example of atypically classy behaviour from those running the club. Ashley's business model is, it is alleged, that Newcastle is a club which must 'look after itself financially'; but Benitez was not happy with a summer transfer budget, reportedly of between fifty and sixty million smackers plus any money raised from sales, or at least how he would be able to spend it. Ashley reportedly wants a young squad - players with potential sell-on value - and it was very unlikely any long-term contracts would be sanctioned with players aged in their late twenties - a significant bone of contention for Benitez who wished to mix youth with experience in his squad. As the former Newcastle player Joey Barton commented when leaving the club in 2011, Ashley is a businessman - a very successful one, as it happens - and, like many businessmen 'he knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing.' The owner did loosen the purse strings enough to break the club's decade-old transfer record to sign Paraguayan playmaker Miguel Almiron from MLS side Atlanta United for twenty million knicker in January. But, even this rare show of financial boldness failed to persuade Benitez, who wanted to push the club into the top ten of the Premiership, that it would become the norm. He has always wanted a measure of control over the clubs he manages - with some justification, many would argue, given his track record of success, his stature and vast experience - but it would surely not have come as a huge surprise that Ashley was disinclined to give ground. The Spaniard is also likely to have had doubts about whether Newcastle would offer the sort of contracts to attract the calibre of player he wanted to move the team forward, while an upgrade on the club's training infrastructure, another long-running source of concern, had not been addressed. Throw a failure to agree on transfer finance, contracts, control and infrastructure into the melting pot and the relationship between an intransigent, immovable owner and a manager demanding what he was never likely to get was always going to unsustainable.

Ashley and Newcastle can insist they have been trying to get Benitez's signature for well over a year, but the offer of a one-year contract on his current reported six million quid-a-year terms failed to break the impasse. Newcastle may try to argue that they would be right to display a reluctance to hand out long-term deals to players working under a manager only committed for the next twelve months. Once again, one or two people might buy that argument. But not many. As the NUFC.com website noted, in disgust: 'The contempt shown for the fans by the owner is, again, bordering on the criminal. It wasn't our fault he inherited a club with massive debts and we had nothing to do with his recent Debenhams debacle. All self-inflicted but his anger is seemingly taken out on us. Any anti-Ashley chants were brought on by his own ineptitude and mismanagement but instead of making amends, in true barrow-boy fashion, he cuts his nose off to spite his face with petty acts of revenge.' What is beyond question in that Benitez has been a force for good at Newcastle. He restored them to the Premier League in 2017 after having been brought into the club too late to prevent relegation the previous season then followed that with respectable finishes of tenth in 2018 and thirteenth last term. He also, as he did at Liverpool, tapped into the sort of language that Newcastle fans understand, portraying himself as the man on their side, a boast which Ashley could never make. This meant, as Benitez walked around St James' Park surrounded by players and families after the last home game of what turned into his final campaign, there was a hope - albeit, as slim one - that Ashley might find the wriggle room to give Newcastle's supporters and the manager what they wanted. History should have told us all we were deluding ourselves. For Ashley, however, this is another highly damaging episode which can only reduce his standing with Newcastle's support even further; not that Ashley seems at all bothered about that. Indeed, many suspect he appears to enjoy courting bad-feeling and deliberately pissing people off; his decision to rename St James' Park after his odious sportwear company in 2011 aptly proved. All of this nonsense has been conducted against a backdrop of the latest proposed - or, should that be 'alleged'? - takeover project involving United Arab Emirates billionaire Sheikh Khaled bin Zayed Al Nahyan's investment group. A rather facial situation which has, surely, only got as much publicity as it has as a means to get supporters to renew their - price-significantly-adjusted-for-inflation - season tickets (the closing date for which is next week, as a matter of pure disinterest). Ashley's past behaviour suggests he still will plough on with what he wants to do regardless of how many people he upsets or how many gather around Sir Bobby Robson's statue or demonstrate outside Sports Direct on Northumberland Street. The BBC claims that 'the proposed takeover will not, according to those involved, be affected by Benitez's departure - but that has all gone quiet in recent weeks.' Beware, dear blog reader, Arabs bearing gifts. Or, indeed, remember that old maxim 'be careful what you wish for, it might come true.' The number of Newcastle fans who have been heard excited exclaiming variants on 'great, a billionaire is coming to save us from the clown ruining out club' makes this blogger wonder whether this is 2019 or 2007 since he can recalled the same sort of things being said when Ashley was the saviour and the late Freddie Shepherd the despised tyrant needing to be shown the door. Plus ca change, plus ca la meme choice. The next item on the agenda is a new manager, with pre-season training looming and bookies - of course - wasting no time in making a Benitez-less Newcastle favourites for relegation, seemingly with much glee. The list of names being touted around will hardly have fans heading doon Th' Bigg Market in celebration. But, it doesn't really matter which desperate out-of-work plank Ashley picks for the gig, the fact that he will be The Not-Rafa will, surely, doom the tenure of whoever-it-is to dissatisfaction and rancour from Day One. It's Brian Clough coming after Don Revie. David Moyes after Sir Alex Ferguson. Or, to put it another way, it's Chris Evans replacing Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear. It's Be Here Now following (What's The Story) Morning Glory? It's The Godfather III coming after The Godfather II! Whoever gets the job is, like all of the above, on an absolute hiding to nothing whether they're good, bad or indifferent. Sheikh Yer Man City's assistant manager Mikel Arteta is reported to be an early favourite with the bookmakers but why on Earth would he leave the Premier League champions for the abject chaos of Tyneside? The money can't be that good? Jose Mourinho has been mentioned but this is surely a fantasy unless a takeover does go ahead and the former Moscow Chelski and The Scum boss is given guarantees of untold millions to spend and the complete control he has always enjoyed at his previous clubs. And, while Ashley would probably love to appoint someone like Eddie Howe or Sean Dyche, why would either of those highly regarded young managers risk their reputation in a toxic environment when they had such control and popularity at Bournemouth and Burnley respectively? Whoever accepts this role - and, remember, Ashley's previous appointments have included rotten non-entities such as McClaren, Alan Pardew, John Carver and Joe Kinnear. Twice - will have a hard (for which read impossible) act to follow in the hearts of most - if not all - Newcastle's fans. Ashley has failed to keep arguably the best manager he will ever have - one who could have taken the heat away from his office because he is so beloved by supporters and one who actually gave Newcastle some gravitas with his record of managing clubs such as Valencia, Liverpool, Inter Milan, Moscow Chelski FC, Napoli and Real Madrid. This may not matter to Ashley - indeed, it seems not to - as his sole aim appears to be keeping the club in the Premier League (something his previous appointees have, twice, failed to do during his decade at St James') until such a time as can find some joker to pay him three hundred and fifty million knicker to take it off his hands. If he ever does.

And what of Benitez? He, reportedly, has a twelve million knicker-a-year (and as much chow mien as you can eat) offer from the Chinese Super League Club Dalian Yifang on the table. But, this is a manager who has insisted his vision is to make progress at clubs of stature, putting them in the place where they deserve to be. The big jobs in Europe which Benitez will believe fit his profile are not currently available - except for Moscow Chelski and it's doubtful he'd wish to return there - but is China really where the fifty nine-year-old, whose family still live on Merseyside, wants to take himself at this point in his career? As usual, however, the biggest losers in all of this fiasco are Newcastle's fans as they digest the latest sorry episode in the scarcely credible soap opera that is their club.

All Dressed Up & Nowhere To Go

Recently, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping was chatting to a casual acquaintance about the on-going alleged takeover of this blogger's beloved (though - allegedly - unsellable) Newcastle United as reported in a previous bloggerisationism update. 'This club,' this blogger's acquaintance noted. 'We're unique. We're the only people in football who can manage to get taken over by the sole non-rich Arab around.' Or not, as the case may be. For those who haven't been following the story closely - and, if you're in the North East that can't have been easy since there have been times this week where it has appeared to be the only news - last Sunday, that ever reliable bastion of truthful an accurate reportage the Sun published an article which claimed - with, it should be noted, absolutely no supporting evidence - that The Magpies' despised current owner, Mike Ashley had 'agreed' to sell Newcastle United. For three hundred and fifty million knicker. To someone whom the Sun claimed was the cousin of Sheikh Yer Man City's Arab owner, Sheikh Mansour. That led to a weekend of extraordinary hyperbole and increasing wild speculation both among Toon supporters and large chunks of the sport print media whilst, admittedly, a few slightly more thoughtful journalists sought clarification and further details. Following Sunday's sensational headlines about imminent new ownership, matters had calmed down somewhat by Tuesday and we returned to what has become familiar territory when it comes to Newcastle United; a land of 'ifs', 'buts' and 'maybes'. And the knowledge that there could be light at the end of the tunnel but, likely, if there is, it'll be the light of an on-coming train. Amid claim and counter-claim as to the financial state of the Bin Zayed Group and precisely whom their Managing Director, Sheikh Khaled Bin Zayed Al Nahyan is, the most reliable view seems to be that both the Sun and, subsequently, the Bin Zayad Group themselves had rather jumped the gun. Initially unprepared for the story breaking and for the Bin Zayed Group issuing a hasty statement within twenty four hours confirming that 'discussions' with Mike Ashley had occurred, NUFC themselves responded to media queries by merely confirming that contact had been established between the two parties. Some speculation offered that this may have been because Ashley had signed a non-disclosure agreement with the Bin Zayed Group, making any further comment impossible. Nevertheless, on one level this was good since it appeared to confirm that the two sides were, actually, talking at the very least. However, as to the price, the offer made (if any), the time frame (if any), the level of due diligence undertaken or proof of funds (if any), that's where information rapidly became speculation - most of it very uniformed. Added to the mix are allegedly 'informed sources' allegedly supplying 'news' that Toon manager Rafa Benitez allegedly 'knew nothing - naaaa-thing' about the proposed takeover and further reports that the Premier League were similarly yet to be informed of any proposed deal (they had initially given a simple 'no comment' when the Sun's story first broke). The Shields Gazette subsequently claimed that, in fact, Benitez has been 'kept in the loop' and has been assured that, in the event of the take-over happening, Shiekh Khaled is keen to retain his services and offer Rafa an increased transfer budget to that which Ashley was reported to have already sanctioned. The only undeniable truth is that we're now almost into the final month of Rafa The Gaffer's contract as Newcastle manager and the prospects of him putting pen to paper on a new deal in the current uncertain climate don't look all that bright, particular with a reported interest in his services from AS Roma. (Albeit, reported by the Sun, so we're back to where we started, really.) By Wednesday, the Daily Scum Mail - another media source this blogger would trust about as far as he can spit - was reporting that alleged (though anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious) 'sources' allegedly 'close to the club' had allegedly confirmed that an alleged 'heads of agreement' document was allegedly submitted to the Premier League by Newcastle and was allegedly signed by both parties. This alleged document, however, should it exist would merely inform the league that a price had been agreed and does not trigger a formal takeover process which has to be overseen and, ultimately, approved by the league. On the same day the Evening Chronicle, quoted the Bin Zayed Group's managing director Midhat Kidwai as saying: 'In consideration of the numerous speculations in regards to the timelines of the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Bin Zayed Group, we feel the need to issue this statement. Terms have been agreed between us and Mike Ashley; these terms have been reflected in a document, signed by both parties, which has been forwarded to the Premier League. The proof of funds statement was forwarded to Mike Ashley's lawyers on 17 April 2019. The so called fit-and-proper Premier League process is a standard procedure which will take time and we are doing all we can to assist the Premier League during this process. We feel the need to clarify this point in order for the fans and the general public to understand the timelines.' Newcastle United themselves continued to make no public comment on Thursday, whilst Rafa was similarly tight-lipped when speaking to Spanish media whilst he was in Madrid to attend the Champions League final. Widespread Internet rumours of a 'major announcement' forthcoming on Friday proved to be what most Interweb rumours are, a right load of old toot! So, what do we know? Well, for a kick-off Sheikh Khaled Bin Zayed Al Nahyan and Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan (the boss of Sheikh Yer Man City) are, most definitely not 'cousins' although they are rather more distantly related. Khaled's grandfather, Saqr bin Zayed Al Nahyan and Mansour's grandfather, Sultan bin Zayed bin Khalifa Al Nahyan were half-brothers, meaning that Khaled and Mansour are, in fact, second-cousins twice removed. As an interesting side note, it's also probably worth noting at this juncture that Sultan killed another of his brothers, Hamdan, in 1922 to gain the throne of Abu Dhabi, but was subsequently himself toppled (and killed) by Saqr, in 1926. Nice family - they're almost as bad as the Lannisters, they'll fit into a boardroom previously occupied by Mike Ashley like a glove. One trusts that Khaled and Mansour (and their dragons, if they have any) have a somewhat better relationship than their respective granddads. Otherwise, in the event of Khaled actually gaining control at St James' Park, the next game against Sheikh Yer Man City (which, this blogger supposes would, in that case, be dubbed The Abu Dhabi Derby) could get as tasty as any game between the two clubs since Craig Bellamy retired. Known as one of the most successful entrepreneurs in The Gulf, Khaled was reportedly educated in the US (at Boston University) and France and went on to establish the Bin Zayed Group. The company was founded in 1995 and has, over time, diversified into various sectors including construction, real estate and financial services. He is also the chairman of Islamic Arab Insurance Company PSC and the managing director of Gulf Testing Factory Services GTFS LLC. Not unusually for a member of the ruling family, Sheikh Khaled also helps to manage a number of State-owned entities and governmental organisations. As well as being a member of the Executive Committee of Dubai Economic Council, he is a former board member of the Dubai Real-Estate Corporation. Among other appointments, he also serves as the board chair of INJAZ Al-Arab and the Rochester Institute of Technology. When it comes to sport, Sheikh Khaled sits on the board of the UAE Olympic Committee and is president of the UAE Sailing and Rowing Federation. Known to have a longstanding interest in buying an English football club, he reportedly failed in an ambitious attempted takeover of Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws last year. As to whether he (or, more accurately his company) actually has the wealth not only to buy out Mike Ashley but then take a club crying out for investment to the next level is, as with so much else related to this story, a question which will only be answered in the fullness of time. Which is bloody frustrating, frankly!

Incidentally, in the very unlikely event that the Sheikh - or any of his people - happen to be reading this bloggerisation, Keith Telly Topping has three pieces of advice for him should he eventually take over this blogger's beloved Magpies. Which, obviously, he can chose to ignore if he wishes; but this blogger would recommend that he doesn't. Number one is obvious: In the event that he hasn't already signed up by the time this malarkey get concluded (or, even if he has), do everything you can to keep Rafa The Gaffer sweet. The man is respected and admired by Newcastle supporters. Without him you will have twice the job to convince anyone connected to the club that you have Newcastle's best interests at heart. It's nothing personal, mate, it's just we've been down this 'be careful what you wish for, it might just come true' road before with Mister Ashley and we're very suspicious of everyone. Two: You have already produced a statement in which you made the right noises about Newcastle's 'proud traditions.' Hopefully, this wasn't merely paying lip-service but actually meant something. Anyone who takes over Newcastle has to work with those traditions, that history and that (often suffocating) pride. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Like some other clubs (and, a damned sight more than most) Newcastle supporters care about the club's past - for the most part they've had to since, for the majority of the last fifty years, they've had no present to care about. Newcastle United are nicknamed The Magpies, they play in black and white stripes and their stadium is called St James' Park - learn these things and make sure you do not even think about changing any of them; your immediate predecessor thought it was a good idea to mess with one of these three pillars (changing the name St James' Park to something else) and almost brought the whole house down around him. His excuse was that changing the ground's name could (theoretically) produce a, not even particularly large, financial windfall in terms of sponsorship. All of which proved the words of former Magpie Joey Barton when leaving the club were accurate: 'Mike Ashley, like many businessmen, knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.' Some traditions matter even if they don't make you any money. You could, possibly, also take a crash course in the details of the careers of Hughie Gallagher, Jackie Milburn, Malcolm MacDonald, Alan Shearer et cetra - there's plenty of people around who can fill you in on the basics - though, to be honest, most fans will probably forgive you if you chose not to. Win us a trophy and I'm pretty sure most supporters wouldn't give a damn whether you've heard of Bobby Moncur, Frank Clark or Kenny Wharton or not. But, don't mess with the nickname, the strip or the name of the ground or you'll find yourself in the quicksand. And, finally, and this is probably the most important piece of advice, the main problem with your predecessor wasn't necessarily anything that he did during his time owning the club it was what he didn't do; specifically, he never communicated his vision to supporters well enough (or, indeed, at all). Ashley and his people were a walking public relations disaster - every single time that they had an opportunity to articulate what, exactly, they were trying to achieve, what, in short, 'the plan' was, they failed to take it. To the point where, after a while, it almost seemed to be a deliberate policy, as though they enjoyed pissing people off. So, my third piece of advice is to hire yourself a good PR guy who can actually make a fist of explaining, roughly, what your plans are and what your vision is. Not every fan will, necessarily, agree with you but, at least, they will have been kept informed. This blogger has said this before but it bears repeating, any football club owner loses the goodwill of their customers at their peril. One would have hoped that Mike Ashley, as a businessman, understood the value of keeping the customer if not satisfied then, at least, informed. Sadly, he never seemed to grasp that fundamental basic of the retail game or the football game. Don't, please, make the same mistake as he did.

Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws became the champions of Europe for the sixth time after beating Stottingtot Hotshots in a lacklustre all-English Champions League final in Madrid. Mohamed Salah scored the opening goal after only two minutes, slamming home a penalty after Moussa Sissoko had handled Sadio Mane's cross. It was almost all downhill from there in terms of quality and action until semi-final hero Divock Origi blasted home a second late on to send The Reds fans into delirium and the Spurs fans ... home. The quality of the game in the Spanish heat will not bother Herr Klopp's Liverpool, who bounced back from losing last year's final to Real Madrid. Stottingtot Hoshots' gamble to start Harry Kane, who had been out for almost two months with ligament damage, did not pay off and he was subdued, along with most of his team-mates. Although, he had a better excuse than most of them. Spurs - who did not have a shot on target until the seventy third minute - had their two best chances with ten minutes to go with Son Heung-Min and substitute Lucas Moura having decent shots saved by Alisson in quick succession. Unlike Alissonh, however, their aim was not true. Victory saw The Reds' win their first trophy under Herr Klopp, who had lost his previous six finals - with both Liverpool and Borussia Dortmund - including two previous Champions Leagues. Spurs counterpart Mauricio Pochettino took the gamble of playing England captain and main striker Kane despite his not having played since April, replacing semi-final hat-trick hero Lucas Moura, but he had no impact.

The next time UEFA wants to take a showpiece European club final to a new footballing outpost, they could always try the Moon. It cannot be that much more inaccessible than Baku proved to be for UK-based Moscow Chelski FC and The Arse fans and the atmosphere would surely be better than it was at the half-empty Olympic Stadium on Wednesday during the Europa League final which Moscow Chelski FC won four-one. Things did improve as a spectacle once the star man, Eden Hazard, decided to put his stamp on proceedings, but until then it seemed that this would be a final that reflected its build-up - unhappy and strangely surreal. One of the few chants before half-time which could be heard echoing across the covered-up athletic track that forms the perimeter of the pitch came from the pocket of Moscow Chelski FC fans who had travelled the two-and-a-half thousand miles to get to Baku. It was directed at UEFA, contained an obscenity and asked: 'Is this what you want?' Sadly, the answer to that, as with so much else in both European and World football would seem to be, after a quick glance at someone's bank balance, 'yes, it is.' Like everyone else inside the stadium or watching - from an extreme wide angle - on TV around the world, they were witnessing what appeared to be a pale imitation of a Premier League match, played at pre-season pace. The backdrop of rows of empty seats seemed distant and strangely detached from proceedings. So did most of the players. There were familiar faces on both teams, but we were seeing them in an alien environment, a long way from home. It made for an unforgettable final - more so for The Arse than Moscow Chelski FC, obviously - but, sadly, for mostly the wrong reasons. Only a total of about five thousand home-based supporters had followed Moscow Chelski FC and The Arse to Azerbaijan, with The Blues sending almost half of their allocation back to UEFA unsold. Fans were deterred from travelling by high prices and how long it takes to get there and, also, the fact that it is difficult to access Baku even if you did have both time and money on your hands. A lack of direct flights from the UK led to some inventive and long-winded routes to reach the port on the Caspian Sea and fans who had made it were happy to share their stories with journalists as they basked in the sunshine before the final. Some had come by plane, some by train and even some by taxi - a six hundred kilometre trek from Tbilisi in neighbouring Georgia. All of them deserved immense credit for their efforts. But, even before the game, there seemed relatively few of them about. Fans of The Arse were there with their flags in greater numbers and took over a street of bars near the city's famous Fountains Square in traditional 'fans abroad' style - good natured and loud. The Gunners sang constantly - mostly about themselves or rivals Stottingtot Hostshots, but also included more anti-UEFA chants. They did not feel fans had been put first - or indeed anywhere near the front - when plans for the final were made. Moscow Chelski FC supporters were harder to find, but they all agreed with those sentiments. They are also used to commandeering city squares for major European finals - think of München for the 2012 Champions League final, or Amsterdam for the 2013 Europa League final. This time they were scattered and could seemingly barely fill a pub on their own, even the ones they had been allocated. The occasion seemed somewhat diminished for it. The location was not a drawback for everyone, of course. There were fewer UK-based fans attending this final than usual, but there seemed to be many more from around the world. For most of them, this was a real-life 'Game Thirty Nine'. Two Premier League teams, playing a competitive match outside of the UK and with silverware at stake. The locals, too, seemed genuinely happy to have a big match and two sets of fans on their doorstep and appeared desperate to impress. It was just a shame about the game itself, especially from The Arse's point of view. If, as some of The Gunners players had declared in the build-up, they were playing for missing team-mate Henrikh Mkhitaryan - who was unable to play because of security reasons - then they did not show it. They also did not demonstrate much, if any, of the 'extra motivation' they had talked beforehand of having because a Champions League place was on the line. If the final was a non-event for the first forty five minutes, The Arse were a no-show for most of the ninety and the final result reflected that. Their reward is to return to this competition next season, for a third straight year. The 2020 final is in Gdansk, Poland, so at least they will not have to travel quite so far next time should they make another final. Moscow Chelski FC travel home with the trophy (having already secured a Champions League place for next year with their third place finish in the Premier League) but arguably fave an uncertain future too. Their best player, Hazard, is leaving this summer and it looks increasingly likely that coach Sarri will depart too. Despite a turbulent first season under the Italian Moscow Chelski FC finished third in the league, won a fifth European title and reached the final of the Carabao Cup. With or without him, they may have to deal with a transfer ban as they try to build on that success.

A number of La Liga and second tier players and club executives have been arrested in Spain as part of an investigation into match-fixing. Police say eleven people are expected to be arrested in total and 'at least' three matches are being investigated across the country's top three divisions. A spokesman for La Liga said that the police action followed a 'complaint' which it had made over a match in May 2018. 'Among those detained are active and retired players,' police said. Presidents and directors of a club have also been arrested the police added. 'The investigation has established that those under investigation came to arrangements with different players to "fix" at least three games in the first, second and third divisions.' The police said that, in the case of one second-division match, more than fourteen times the 'usual amount' of money was bet on a game in that league. It did not specify which teams were involved. Police that said bets were made on the outcomes of games as well as spot-betting on 'other matters' including the number of corners awarded. A lawyer for Huesca, who were relegated from La Liga this season, confirmed that 'various people' at the club had been detained on a warrant issued by a local court. La Liga side Real Valladolid issued a statement saying the club had "'earned of the arrests related to match-fixing' and that they 'are the cause of a La Liga complaint.' The statement added: 'Real Valladolid rejects any type of conduct or fraudulent behaviour, denouncing corruption among individuals, money laundering, criminal organisations or any type of behaviour that originates or could lead to the distortion and corruption of any sports competition. Faced with the arrests made, Real Valladolid maintains, as it has done since the day of its constitution, its commitment and fight against corruption or any type of illicit activity that undermines the integrity of sports competitions.' Valencia also issued a statement saying that reports of 'supposed involvement by players and directors of other clubs in illegal gambling and alleged match-fixing' are not related to the club and that 'Valencia CF is an entity completely outside of this matter.' A La Liga spokesman said: 'We want to thank the police for the extraordinary work done to dismantle what appears to be an organised criminal group dedicated to obtaining economic benefits through the predetermination of football matches. During the 2018-19 season La Liga filed eight complaints with the general commissioner of the judicial police for alleged acts related to match-fixing in lower divisions of Spanish football and low-profile friendlies between foreign clubs in Spain. We have also sent alerts to the general directorate of gaming on 18 football matches for possible identification and sanction of players from lower divisions who could have bet on their competition. La Liga continues to fight to eradicate any scourge against fair play in Spanish football.'

Neymar has been stripped of the Brazil captaincy for next month's Copa America and will be replaced by his Paris St-Germain team-mate Dani Alves. The twenty seven-year-old forward, given the role eight months ago but under pressure after recent disciplinary issues, was informed of the decision by manager Tite on Saturday. Alves will also lead the side in friendlies against Qatar and Honduras. He has captained Brazil four times, most recently in a one-nil win over Germany in March 2018. This month, French football authorities banned Neymar for three matches after he hit a fan following PSG's defeat by Rennes in the Coupe De France final. He was also reportedly involved in 'a dressing room incident' with his PSG team-mates. The Copa America takes place in Brazil from 14 June to 7 July, with the hosts taking on Bolivia, Venezuela and Peru in Group A.

Dirty Stoke have reportedly told Saido Berahino they will be terminating his contract following his recent, highly publicised, drink driving conviction. Berahino was extremely banned from driving for thirty months and fined seventy five thousand knicker for being three times over the legal alcohol limit when he was stopped by Babylon in London in February. It was his third DUI conviction, following previous court appearances in 2!012 and 2014. The alleged striker was convicted earlier this month despite claiming to have driven 'in order to escape a gang of armed robbers.' The court heard that Berahino had been robbed of his jewellery before his arrest, but held it was not a necessity for him to be driving as his partner was at the wheel beforehand. According to the Daily Scum Mail, Dirty Stoke have now 'taken action' by cancelling Berahino's contract, which is due to run until the summer of 2022. The report claims that the Burundi international is 'challenging' the Championship club's decision. Bernahino signed for The Potters from West Bromwich Albinos in January 2017 but has struggled to make an impact for his club scoring but three goals in over fifty appearances.

National League North side Blyth Spartans have confirmed the appointment of yer actual Lee Clark as their new first team coach - succeeding fellow former Magpie Alun Armstrong who has joined Darlington. The forty six year-old Tynesider has previously managed Huddersfield Town, Birmingham City, Blackpool and Kilmarnock but has been working in the media since leaving his post at Bury in October 2017. It's thirteen years to the day since Clarkie officially confirmed his retirement as a Newcastle player, joining Glenn Roeder's coaching staff at SJP until following him to Norwich City in late 2007.

A fourteen-year-old boy has been given a one-year ban from all football for 'lowering his shorts and making a vulgar gesture' at a female referee in Italy. The incident occurred on 22 May in an under-fourteen tournament in Mestre, Venice. A - very naughty - Treporti player made the gesture after his side conceded a corner against Miranese and he was sent off by referee Giulia Nicastro. The Italian Football Federation described the behaviour as 'totally unacceptable.' The boy's suspension by the Venetian Disciplinary Court will be halved if he agrees to 'undertake a re-educational programme.' In addition, the youngster is banned from accessing any facilities where an Italian Football Federation competition is held. Or, presumably, watching football on telly or having a kick-about in the street with his mates. Harsh, dear blog reader, but probably fair. FIGC president Gabriele Gravina has said that he will challenge the decision at the Federal Court of Appeal as he feels the punishment is not strong enough. 'From my side, there must be not any reduction on this behaviour: I intervene decisively, it is not acceptable, I can't hide my disappointment,' said Gravina. Nicastro, from Venice, has refereed more than forty matches at this level, the FIGC said. It has been reported that fans were abusing Nicastro throughout the game. Treporti has apologised to Nicastro, saying they were 'deeply disappointed.'

South Korea Under-Eighteens have been stripped of a trophy for 'indecent' celebrations after a player posed for a photo with his foot on it. T|he scallywag. South Korea beat China three-nil to win the Panda Cup on Wednesday, but the team were forced to grovellingly apologise after they were criticised online for the 'unforgivable' images. The tournament organisers suggested South Korea would not be invited back. Chinese fans, who watched their team lose all three Panda Cup matches in Chengdu, expressed their anger on social media. Most refused to accept the South Korea apology, led by the accused player, who was criticised for 'mumbling' and dropping his apology on the floor. Meanwhile, China's state-run Global Times daily said that the South Korea players 'acted like conquerors rather than champions' as the team 'ignored the universal ethos of sports.' Some social media users also sarcastically called for the Chinese FA to display the trophy and controversial photo as a reminder of China's shortcomings in international competitions. The Global Times said: 'The only way to stop similar incidents from happening is very simple: They must start winning.' The Chengdu Football Association, which organised the Panda Cup, released a statement accusing the South Korea players of 'serious insult' and said it would be 'taking back' the trophy. The Chengdu FA released video footage of the team's apology, in which the squad stood together with heads bowed in their hotel as the player involved apologised. 'We apologise for the situation. One of our players made a huge mistake. We humbly apologise to all of the fans, all of the players and all of the people in China,' a team official translated. The Korean Football Association sent a letter of apology to the Chengdu FA, who have lodged a complaint with the Asian Football Confederation. South Korea beat all three other teams involved - New Zealand, Thailand and China - to win the competition.