A Rocket To Russia

And, still it continues. As reported yesterday, the British media has been blamed for England's failure to win the fight to host the 2018 World Cup, as the BBC faces a backlash from a bunch of numskulls on its website. Three hundred and eighty seven to be exact, according to the Daily Telegraph. That's the average attendance for a GM Vauxhall Conference match, incidentally. Just thought I'd mention that. Yesterday, Russia was named the host of the world football showpiece in 2018, beating England and joint bids from Spain and Portugal and The Netherlands and Belgium. England's campaign was dogged by controversy, including an unflattering expose in the Sunday Times and an edition of BBC's Panorama on Monday that alleged widespread corruption at football's governing body, FIFA. This was possibly best summed up by the Gruniad's headline, FIFA Sticks Together And Damns the British Media. According to BBC News, England 2018 bid chief executive Andy Anson claimed that FIFA president Sepp Blatter talked to members of the executive committee about the 'evil of the media' just prior to yesterday's vote. Anson said: 'I think that was unhelpful - the last thing those guys hear before they go and tick the box is the evil of the media. That is not helpful and actually inaccurate. I was told by someone who was in the room that that's the last thing they were told by Sepp Blatter. There was a final sum-up before they voted and I think it was at the beginning of that. That's not helpful to our cause.' Junji Ogura, from Japan's FIFA executive committee, praised the strength of England's bid, but said that the negative media coverage was a 'big influence' on the voters. 'I thought England was a very strong candidate. Their presentation was one of the best presentations,' he said. 'But I think there was a big influence from the BBC and the Sunday Times. These reports possibly influenced people. It made damage for some people.' Last night, the BBC website was 'inundated' with comments as some glakes blamed the timing of Panorama for England's failure in Zurich. Reports the Gruniad Morning Star. And the Sun, which produced a headline of BBC Ruined Our Bid Says Campaign Boss which managed not to mention the excellent journalistic scoop of their own sister paper, the Sunday Times' at all. The Daily Scum Mail, meanwhile, came up with an alternative scapegoat. And, a barely-concealed sickeningly racist one at that. If you're in the least bit disappointed that England didn't get their bid accepted, as yer Keith Telly Topping momentarily was yesterday afternoon, then do take a glance at this pox-ridden drivel - written by one Paul Harris - and a few of the bonehead numskull comments it attracted and, you know, celebrate. We might not have won the World Cup bid, dear blog reader but, Jesus, we're better than this. Harris, however, need not be all that despondent; after all, Russia has such a world class record of racial harmony and tolerance you'd've thought he'd be glad a country with a significant white supremacist faction had got the gig. Thankfully, at least, the Scum Mail employ one proper journalist - well, if you can call West Ham supporter Martin Samuels that. On a pinch, I suppose. His article on the subject was a bit more user-friendly: 'FIFA have given their two World Cups to the countries in which the press is most muzzled, most powerless, most murdered - certainly in Russia - and least able to question their masters. What sticks in the throat is that we knew all this, and still allowed ourselves to get sucked in. The correct response when meeting Jack Warner, the duplicitous, odious FIFA vice-president who has been allowed to rule the world from Trinidad and Tobago, is to summon the fraud squad, not shake him by the hand. We sent the Three Lions - David Beckham, David Cameron and Prince William - to Zurich but we may as well have sent the Three Stooges. The bid was doomed from the start because FIFA does not like the power and wealth of the English club game, and hates being questioned or criticised when it makes another self-serving or toothless decision. The shame for English football is not that the bid was lost but that it was lost as we tried to compete on their terms. We played FIFA's game; that horrible, schmoozing, lobbying, crawling, venal game, that we thought would grease us through the door. And it still wasn't enough.' A leaked e-mail sent by a BBC News executive told World Service journalists that 'reaction to the FIFA decision has become part of the story.' The executive also said that thousands of comments had poured in about the World Cup decision. 'Criticism of the BBC (and to some extent the Sunday Times) is part of that story and we should reflect that.' On Tuesday, the BBC defended its decision to air Panorama's corruption investigation so close to the vote, after the Football Association described it as an 'embarrassment' to the corporation. Given the events of yesterday, is it worth wondering if the Football Association, those noted appeasers of bullies and charlatans, have changed their collective minds?

Into The New

England missed out on the right to host the 2018 World Cup after football's governing body FIFA picked Russia to stage the event for the first time. Russia saw off rival bids from England, Spain and Portugal and the Netherlands and Belgium to win a secret ballot of FIFA's twenty two executive members in Zurich. None of whom are, obviously, corrupt. England hoped that Prince William, oily David Cameron and David Beckham would give them an advantage. Ultimately, however, all of their talking, hand-shaking and brown-tonguing, not to mention a budget of - reportedly - fifteen million quid spent on the bid, it all ended with England garnering a mere two votes. One of which came from their own representative. Meanwhile, Qatar was chosen to host the 2022 World Cup. And, to be honest, if we're talking about 'legacy,' one of FIFA's supposed main criteria in terms of developing the game internationally then those two are, on the face of it, pretty good choices. I'm sure both will put on good shows. Despite a bid described as 'excellent and remarkable' by FIFA president Sepp Blatter following Thursday's final presentations, the executive committee rejected sending the 2018 tournament to England for the first time since 1966. 'We'd heard a rumour two or three minutes before we'd sat down that we hadn't been successful,' said former Newcastle and England captain and BBC pundit Alan Shearer. 'We'd also heard we'd gone out in the first round. Congratulations to Russia - they had a fantastic bid. I thought the guys who got up and spoke for us were magnificent. They couldn't have done any more. At the end of the day, it hasn't been successful but you try your best. I was hoping that I might see a World Cup in my lifetime in England. I wasn't born in '66. It hurts but you have to congratulate the winners. Everyone was very happy and very confident with the bid we put in. We couldn't have done any more. It's disappointing. I'm a loss at what to say. I'm sure [Cameron, Beckham and William] will be as disappointed as the rest of us. Those guys have worked tirelessly. If we haven't got it this time, when are we ever going to get it after what those guys have done?' Eddie Afekafe, a community worker who grew up in Manchester, acted as compere for the presentation in what was regarded as an inspired move. He told how football gave him a chance - compared to his school friends, many of whom were stuck in gangs. 'England 2018 would change the lives of millions of people like me,' he said. Though England is blessed with a series of excellent stadia, good transport links and policing, it is thought a number of behind-the-scenes factors possibly went against England. The BBC's recent Panorama investigation - broadcast on Monday - accused three FIFA executive committee members of accepting 'corrupt' payments and alleged that FIFA vice-president Jack Warner - somebody with whom David Cameron was seemingly quite happy to schmooze like a good'un this week - had been accused of attempting to supply ticket touts. Michel Platini, president of European football's governing body UEFA, insisted that the documentary would not alter members' votes or wreck England's chances. But he did claim that the British media's arduous relationship with football's international governing body could jeopardise England's chances of success. African confederation president Issa Hayatou - whose vote England had high hopes of capturing - Brazil's Ricardo Terra Teixeira and Nicolas Leoz of Paraguay were all accused by Panorama of taking payments. England 2018 bid adviser Sir Keith Mills said: 'I think we're all gutted. We felt over the last eighteen months we had an outstanding bid. I think we had the best bid technically. I think our three lions did an outstanding job. You have to understand that FIFA's view of a host city is different to our own. Their message was today they want World Cups to go to developing countries. None of the mature countries in the world are being selected.' Ex-England striker BBC Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker added: 'I'm obviously devastated along with the rest of the team. We put a lot of effort in and are going home empty handed. We gave it our best shot. We put in a strong bid and it was a great effort by the guys this morning. All you can do is wish Russia well and hope they have a really good World Cup. Always we've just said you don't know how you're doing and how you're going to do. It's so secret once they get in there and we'll never know to be honest. English football will carry on regardless. We're very strong in our country in terms of our league. It could have been a huge boost. It's a real shame we'll never get a chance to prove that. It's a slightly strange experience lobbying and entering the political world.' Qatar will host the 2022 competition after beating rival bid from Australia, Japan, South Korea, and the United States. The FIFA executive committees' decision came as a surprise after the US and Australia bids had been highly-fancied (as, indeed, had Spain for 2018). Australia's bid fared even worse than England's getting just one vote. Of course, the Daily Scum Mail were quick off the mark in a tawdry and rather sickening bit of blame-apportioning. In addition to being spitefully racist, this article noted: 'Six FIFA officials were suspended last month following a Sunday Times investigations and on Monday BBC Panorama claimed three other FIFA members had taken bribes in the 1990s.' Interestingly the very next paragraph added: 'The bid also endured confusion as it's board constantly changed and was engulfed in a scandal in May when Lord Triesman was forced to quit after making unfounded allegations about Spain and Russia colluding to influence referees at the World Cup.' They failed, of course, to remind their readers exactly who it was that published these 'unfounded allegations' - the Scum Mail on Sunday. Hell hath no fury like a British tabloid who backed the wrong horse. Although, to be fair, if you want to see an even more thoroughly shameful and mendacious piece of scum journalism, check out this one. By the way, in an ironic twist whilst the bid decision was being revealed on Thursday afternoon on BBC2, ITV4 were busy showing From Russia With Love - one wonders if they had a tip-off in advance?

The loss of England's World Cup 2018 bid went down very badly with many English newspapers, with a lot of attention focused on the somewhat contrasting reasons for Russia being in the news. The Independent used a nice footballing cliché, A day of two halves, in a piece which contrasted Russia being chosen to host the tournament on the same day that its Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, was accused of corruption in the latest batch of Wikileaks revelations. Fifa bungs Russia the World Cup was the Sun's take on the same allegations. The Daily Scum Mail posed a question which, it alleged, every football fan would be asking: Was it a stitch-up? Which, genuinely, makes a change from 'How can we blame all this on asylum seekers ... or the BBC?' Downing Street, the Scum Mail continues, has 'done little to hide its anger' and suggested that David Cameron 'has no plans' to congratulate Vladimir Putin. Which, one is sure, the Butcher of Grozny will be absolutely devastated by. According to the Daily Mirror, the England camp are 'seething' at being 'betrayed' by what it calls 'dodgy voting.' Andy Anson, in particular, is widely quoted in several newspapers talking about alleged 'collusion.' Hang on, is this the same Andy Anson that was wittering on last week about the BBC being 'unpatriotic' for suggesting, essentially, the same thing? How very curious. The Times has a satellite picture showing arctic conditions over the UK. It sums all the big stories under one headline: Frozen out. Several columnists show they were not impressed with the high-powered team which went to Zurich for England - oily David Cameron, Prince William and David Beckham - and they leap to the defence of the British media in general. According to the Daily Scum Mail's resident gobshite Richard Littlejohn, 'the presence in Switzerland of this A-List triumvirate was the final depressing fusion of royalty, politics and celebrity.' Good God, I actually agree with something Littlejohn's said. It must be the End of Days. Simon Jenkins in the Gruniad Morning Star defended the honour of the British press after criticism of the BBC and the Sunday Times for exposing FIFA corruption. 'In this World Cup Sewer,' he wrote, 'we reptiles of British journalism hold our heads high.' But he says 'the grovelling of the Prime Minister and the second-in-line to the throne before this Zurich racket has been a national humiliation.' In Owen Gibson's piece in the same paper, he adds, along similar lines: 'What went wrong? Everything. The strategy to deliver Jack Warner, the controversial CONCACAF president who throughout the two‑year bidding process had successfully made England dance to his tune, failed. The visit to Trinidad by the former prime minister Gordon Brown, the overtures of his successor Cameron, the Beckham coaching clinics and the meetings with the future king all counted for nothing. Instead Warner, who had insisted that the BBC Panorama programme which accused him of arranging ticket touting would not affect his vote, and his two CONCACAF colleagues backed Russia. Senes Erzik, from Turkey, who England also thought they had in the bag, also deserted them. Nor was there sufficient support from the African delegates so actively courted by England in the hope that historical investment in football development and support for Hayatou's failed attempt to topple Blatter in 2002 would reap rewards.' Paul Joyce in the Express believed that the decision was 'to do with politics and slapping down a nation whose free press had dared to try to expose the stench of corruption.' The Daily Mirror praises the bid team and reserved its anger for 'any dimwits' thinking of blaming the BBC or the Sunday Times. They should remember that 'in Russia, critical journalists are murdered,' it says. A valid point, well made. 'The culprits for this most excruciating humiliation of football's motherland since England lost to the USA in Belo Horizonte sixty years ago were to be seen skulking in the ante-chambers of Zurich,' writes nasty curly-haired Little-Englander Jeff Powell in the Scum Mail. 'In the rodent-like rush to jump off the ship of blame, the incompetents in charge of our national game sought to hide the grotesque ineptitude of their bid to stage the 2018 World Cup behind the allegations broadcast by the BBC and published by the Sunday Times and our sister newspaper the Mail on Sunday. It is an excuse as feckless as the entire England campaign. Nor can they get away with crying foul at FIFA for dumping them bottom. After all, it was the same preening crew, who led the English public down a cul-de-sac of false hope, who were busy trying to ingratiate themselves with the executive committee who run the world game.' Jeez, I agree with that as well. Littlejohn and Jeff Powell in the same day. Just kill me now. In a wonderfully piss-taking piece in the Mirror, one of this blogger's favourite football journalists, Oliver Holt, makes a mock confession: 'I have been "unpatriotic." I wish to recant. It is a crass insult to FIFA to say that it is the greatest sporting body on the planet. It makes me feel sick to think that anyone in England could ever have put our 2018 bid at risk by being so insensitive as to suggest it. FIFA is so much more than that. It is the best-run, most farseeing, intuitively brilliant, environmentally friendly, sexual equality conscious, racially aware, daylight-saving, job-sharing, liberal, fertiliser-free, organically farmed, fair trade organisation of any sort, anywhere in the world. Under the leadership of the Dear Blatter, it cares little for profits and alliances with corporate partners who make soft drinks that fatten up kids and is concerned only with the good of the game. If every government was run with as much transparency and wisdom as FIFA, the world would be a better place.' Sarky bleeder! The Telegraph's excellent Henry Winter begins his article on the fiasco with: ''"We were stitched-up," confided a member of the England bid team. "The Prime Minister was stitched-up. He thought he had a number of votes locked down ..." FIFA's credibility was battered on Thursday, not by any allegations of corruption but by the cynical game of collusion and vote-trading that patently went on in FIFA House. All the fish are soiled.' According to Sporting Life, Anson suggested that FIFA members had 'lied' about their votes and the millions of quid spent on England's 'glowing' technical report was 'money down the drain.' Anson added: 'David Dein, myself, David Cameron, David Beckham and Prince William were looking people in the eye and asking them for their vote and being told "yeah." I am not sure what else you could do.' Err ... not believe them? Just a wild suggestion, there, you know. Everybody lies, ask Dr House. Asked if the England bid team had been lied to, he replied: 'I am not going to name names because that is not fair on individuals but clearly some people have. We thought we had more than six votes, perhaps seven or eight.' Sky Sports News sought out the sagacity of former England manager Graham Turnip Taylor: 'FIFA, for me, is full of people who say "yes" to your face and "no" behind your back. Their reputation has not changed for many years. [England] have little or no influence; we are considered to be arrogant and know-alls and FIFA don't have to answer to anyone. I think it is about time that FIFA were really investigated. Our journalists have been blamed for this – I don't get into that.' Still, bright side, it could have be far worse; down under after their own failed bid, the headline in the Sydney Morning Herald was Boot goes in over World Cup 'farce' which is bad enough, as you might imagine, but they're also getting a hiding in the cricket as well.

The Ball Is Round. It's The Game That's Bent.

The BBC has vigorous defended their right to broadcast a documentary which alleges that three FIFA officials took bribes in the 1990s. As reported yesterday, Nicolas Leoz, Issa Hayatou and Ricardo Teixeira allegedly took the money from a sport marketing firm which was subsequently awarded lucrative World Cup rights, Panorama claimed in Monday night's programme. The BBC investigation was shown three days before a vote to decide the hosts of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, a vote that all three men will have a vote in. BBC executive editor Clive Edwards said that it was Panorama's job 'to investigate corruption and wrongdoing.' The International Olympic Committee has asked the BBC to hand over any evidence it has relating to the claims made against Hayatou, who is also a long-standing member of the IOC. The alleged bribes are included in a confidential document listing one hundred and seventy five payments totalling about one hundred million dollars. The three men did not respond to Panorama over the allegations, not even to say 'we deny these allegations,' which some may consider curious. FIFA, world football's governing body, also declined interview requests to address the allegations. However, in a statement issued on Tuesday, it said the case was 'definitely closed' as the allegations had already been investigated in Switzerland, with no FIFA officials being convicted. This, despite FIFA having what they publicly describe as 'a zero tolerance policy [against] all violations of standards.' In its programme, Panorama reported on evidence a fourth senior FIFA executive - vice-president Jack Warner - continues to be involved in the resale of World Cup tickets to touts as recently as this summer. The BBC stood by its decision to air the allegations ahead of Thursday's vote in Zurich. Clive Edwards told Radio 4's Today programme that Panorama had received a list showing the alleged payment of bribes in October, and had spent the intervening time checking the claims and putting them to those named. Edwards added Panorama presented its evidence to FIFA on 10 November. 'Some people have said that it would have been better to do it after the vote but it is surely nonsense to suggest that you know a process could be flawed and you don't say anything until after it has happened,' Edwards said. 'I am not prepared to sit on information we have. I believe that it is in everyone's interest that there should be a fair process and that corruption should be exposed.' The BBC has been criticised by the English Football Association, of course. A statement from the FA described the investigation as 'an embarrassment to the BBC. We stand by our previous position that the BBC's Panorama did nothing more than rake over a series of historical allegations none of which are relevant to the current bidding process. The 2018 team are entirely focused on winning the bid for England.' They forgot to add, seemingly, 'by any means necessary, and we don't care who we have to sleep with to achieve this.' But Michel Platini, president of football's European governing body UEFA, said that the Panorama programme should not affect England's bid to hold the World Cup. Speaking to reporters after the documentary aired, he said: 'I don't think this programme will have an effect, no - but I think what may affect the decision is the atmosphere going back a long time and what people have been writing about FIFA in the British press for many years.' The alleged bribes to the three members of FIFA's executive committee were paid by sports marketing company International Sport and Leisure and date from 1989 to 1999, Panorama reports. The company collapsed in 2001. FIFA granted ISL exclusive rights to market World Cup tournaments to some of the world's biggest brands and ISL received millions more from negotiating television broadcast rights. Some details of the alleged bribes emerged in 2008, when six ISL managers were accused of misusing company money. Bribery was not a criminal offence in Switzerland at the time the money was allegedly paid out, although is was against FIFA's ethics code. But Panorama has obtained a confidential ISL document which lists one hundred and seventy five secret payments. The ISL list shows a front company in Liechtenstein called Sanud received twenty one payments totalling nine and a half million dollars. Teixeira was closely linked to Sanud by an inquiry of the Brazilian senate in 2001. It found that funds from Sanud had been secretly channelled to Teixeira through one of his companies. FIFA president Sepp Blatter said in a statement that the 2008 court case had largely exonerated the former ISL officials. Largely, being the operative word. He added: 'It is important to stress that no FIFA officials were accused of any criminal offence in these proceedings.' And, indeed, nobody is accusing them of that now. Merely, of doing things contrary to FIFA's own ethics code. You know, the one they have a zero tolerance of? Allegedly. The recipients of most of the money paid by ISL into accounts in Liechtenstein cannot be traced. These latest allegations of wrongdoing by FIFA executive members come after two of the twenty four committee members were banned last month from voting in Thursday's ballot. The bans came after the Sunday Times - in a brilliant bit of journalism - accused Amos Adamu and Reynald Temarii of being willing to sell their World Cup votes. Panorama also says that it has seen e-mails and an invoice which show Warner was involved in the procurement of eighty four thousand dollars worth of 2010 World Cup tickets. The e-mail trail suggests that the tickets were destined for the black market but the planned deal - including thirty eight tickets for the final in Johannesburg - collapsed because the touts were not prepared to pay the asking price. In 2006, Panorama revealed that Warner had sold tickets on the black market for that year's World Cup tournament in Germany. FIFA subsequently ordered Warner's family business, Simpaul Travel, to make a one million dollar donation to charity to 'compensate for the profits it had made through resale of 2006 FIFA World Cup tickets.' Asked to respond to Panorama's allegations by the Press Association news agency, Warner said he had 'no interest in this matter ... now or ever.' And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a man that David Cameron - your prime minister - is going to meet this week, shake hands with and then, presumably, get down on his hands and knees and, quite literally, beg to vote for England's bid for 2018. What, exactly, that says about Cameron's own credibility, I'll leave up to the individual reader to decide. Although I'm sure some of you would like, as I would, an explanation from the prime minister of this country as to since when has investigating - and potentially uncovering - multi-million pound corruption been 'embarrassing?' Is the prime minister going to tell the CPS to add crimes like that to all the others that they don't think are worth investigating? England will almost certainly lose the 2018 bid on Thursday. They would have probably lost it anyway - England aren't particularly well liked by many in FIFA due, in no small part, to decades of rather sniffy colonialist attitudes towards foreigners by the FA. But, more recently, the England bid was always a long-short because FIFA don't like the British press and it's been an even longer shot since the Scum Mail on Sunday published the details of a gossipy conversation between the bid's first chairman, Lord Triesman and some woman he knew in a restaurant which, ultimately, caused Triesman's resignation. It became an even longer-shot when the Sunday Times exposed the nefarious skulduggery surrounding Adamu and Temarii six weeks ago. In the last few days, however, all of that has been quietly forgotten by, and you'll like the irony here, people like the Scum Mail on Sunday's sister paper, the Daily Scum Mail, and Sky News, which shares a major shareholder, Rupert Murdoch, with the Sunday Times. These, and many other organs of the British press who've never been shy to publish anti-FIFA stories in the past, now sense the chance to pass the buck for us 'losing the bid' onto another messenger and blame a convenient scapegoat - the Beeb - should the bid fall. Which it's likely to for all sorts of reasons, a mere one of which is that FIFA, seemingly, don't like people who investigate them. I'd like the World Cup to be played in England in 2018 as much as anyone - and I include David Beckham, Prince William and David Cameron on that - but, if that means we have to bend over backwards to accommodate (alleged) bullies and (again, alleged) corrupt individuals then, personally, I reckon that's a price that isn't worth paying. Still, you never know, come Thursday FIFA might surprise us all and prove to be bigger and more transparent than they've been painted. Somehow, however, I doubt it. Once again, I'll close with the thoughts of the Telegraph's Jonathan Liew: 'For months, the England 2018 team have been furiously lobbying the BBC to scrap the programme, or at least move it to a less inflammatory time slot, ideally just before Doctors on a Friday afternoon. A bemused BBC, for its part, has been accused of "sensationalism" — which is a little spurious when you consider that Panorama is up against I'm a Celebrity on ITV — and a "lack of patriotism." The criticism is somewhat understandable, given the amount of time and effort invested in the bid: the hours spent waiting by airport baggage carousels, the interminable four-course lunches with deaf old men. For it all to come to naught as a result of half an hour of television must seem a little deflating. But all perspective has been lost. When did it become a condition of hosting a World Cup that all criticism of FIFA be suppressed? There's a term for that. It's called "bending over." Whatever happened to the idea of World Cup hosts being decided on the basis of stadiums and transport and Nelson Mandela? It's only a TV programme, for heaven's sake. If FIFA is going to form a negative view of this country as a result of a TV programme, surely that programme should be The Alan Titchmarsh Show? There's hardly a football fan in the country that wouldn't like to see the World Cup being held in England. But if it means telling our broadcasters what they can and can't show after EastEnders on a Monday night, then let someone else do it.'

Bend It Like FIFA

In 2006, the award-winning investigative journalist Andrew Jennings published a book called Foul! which - allegedly - looked into the vexed subject of allegations concerning all manner of alleged naughty shenanigans and alleged dodgy malarkey going on, allegedly, within world football's controlling body, FIFA. These included alleged million dollar bribes to secure alleged marketing rights for the company ISL (not alleged, they actually do exist) along with alleged vote-buying to secure the alleged position of alleged FIFA president Sepp Blatter and suggestions of bribery attributed to the alleged CONFACAF president Jack Warner. None of which have ever been proven in a court of law, it is important to add at this juncture. The book - and an attendant episode of the BBC's Panorama which Jennings fronted - was well-reviewed, sold in considerable numbers and, if even a quarter of its allegations are true, suggests that football is, essentially, as bent as a boomerang from the top on down. If true. Which, as noted, these allegations may not be. Although, let's put it this way, nobody has yet sued Jennings over any of the allegations which he made. So, four years on the BBC have given him another go at the subject. In Panorama: FIFA's Dirty Secrets - 8:30 BBC1, Monday - Jennings again investigates corruption allegations levelled against some of the FIFA officials who are set to vote on England's (alleged) World Cup bid, claiming to have found new evidence which supports accusations that several executives have taken bribes. Jennings also probes the existence of what are described as 'secret agreements' which could benefit FIFA financially should England succeed in their bid to host the 2018 tournament. Although, in the interests of linguistic fairness, one can rightly point out that if Jennings knows about them, then they're not really secret any more. Now, the first thing to note here is the timing: The BBC are broadcasting this documentary just a couple of days before the announcement is made on who has won the 2018 bid. Which, of course, had led to accusations of the BBC being 'unpatriotic,' by Andy Anson, the head of England's 2018 World Cup bid. And, therefore, hardly an impartial source in this matter. 'I'm incredibly disappointed with the timing of what the BBC seem to be proposing with Panorama,' he said. The BBC themselves argue that the programme, will be 'in the public interest.' And it's jolly hard to argue against that - particularly as any notions of 'patriotism' have absolutely no place in the world of investigative journalism - that's a ludicrous, risible suggestion by Mr Anson. If there has been corruption going on, and Jennings and the BBC can prove it in this programme, then they have a right - indeed many would argue a public duty - to bring such wrongdoing into light and expose it to wider scrutiny. My only slight worry is that the programme is going to end up a fudge, just like Panorama's infamous 2006 episode on the subject of transfer dealings in British football and the role of agents, Football's Dirty Secrets (note the very similar title) did. That promised much in pre-publicity in the way of specific allegations about specific transfers but, ultimately, produced very little hard evidence against any of the individuals named - or alluded to - in the programme. Although, again, it's worth recording that four years on - and despite lots of hot air being blown by the likes of that obese clown Sam Allardyce, Harry Redknapp and Kevin Bond - nobody has actually sued the BBC over anything which they alleged within the documentary. (Bond filed legal papers against the BBC, but withdrew the libel action, eight days before the trial was set to commence.) So, you know, the jury remains out on this one. Anson's accusations came on the day that FIFA released an executive summary of the various 2018 bids, which rated England as 'low risk,' a rare piece of good news for the 2018 team which has been buffeted by frequent setbacks - very few of them, of the BBC's making let it be noted. In May, Lord Triesman stepped down as England's 2018 World Cup bid chairman after reportedly accusing the Spanish and Russian football federations of conspiring in bribery in the course of a private conversation with a woman who was, secretly, taping what he said and then selling the story to the Scum Mail on Sunday. Classy. More recently England's bid suffered further damage internationally following corruption allegations made against FIFA by the Sunday Times newspaper - albeit, corruption allegations which appear to be broadly true and have led to the recent bans on at least two members of the FIFA executive committee who were caught in a sting operations, seemingly asking for money in exchange for their votes. Anson, who also criticised the Panorama programme - sight unseen - as 'sensationalist,' has been to see the BBC's director general Mark Thompson about the documentary, but the 2018 bid chief was quick to make it clear that he had not asked for the programme not to be shown. Which is good because, frankly, if he had, I'd've expected Mark Thompson to have his arse thrown out of the building and into the gutter just as I would any special interest individual who sought to tell the BBC what it can and cannot broadcast. 'I just told him what the potential implications of doing it would cause,' said Anson, who alleges that he 'knows' the contents of the letters Panorama had sent to FIFA executive committee members it had wanted to interview. 'The issues seem to be things dealt with by the Swiss courts and by FIFA in the past. They're not happy with someone raking over old issues but then, no one would be.' No, indeed. Particularly not if there is any actual criminality involved, mate. Bank robbers seldom seem to enjoy the police 'raking over old issues' either, I've noticed. Doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. Quite the opposite, in fact. 'Maybe we're overreacting. I'm hoping it's an uninteresting and uninspiring programme.' Actually, I think most viewers will, rather, be hoping the opposite. Asked whether Panorama is looking at how much England's bid will cost, Anson replied: 'The time to look at that was when we chose the host cities. If they really cared about that, the time to do it was then, not with two days to go before the vote.' Which, I have to say is something that I do agree with. I think the timing of the programme, rather than the contents, is what's most at issue here. Anson also insisted that he would not want the government to intervene over the Panorama broadcast given the BBC is publicly funded. Not that they could, the government (of any political persuasion) has absolutely no authority - morally or legally - to tell the BBC what it can and can't broadcast and any suggestion that it ever should, under any circumstances, is an outrage that needs to be slapped down damned hard from a height with much righteous indignation. The BBC belongs to the licence fee payers, not to the government. 'It is not up to the government to stop the programme,' Anson added, quickly, perhaps realising he was on the verge of going too far. 'The government has been unbelievably supportive of the bid. We have a free media in this country and the BBC can do what they want, I just have to make sure they understand my view of what they are doing.' Former FA chief executive Mark Palios told BBC 5Live: 'It's naive to think people will not be affected by this. It's a small vote - there's only twenty two people - so one or two votes may make all the difference.' Anson, however, remains upbeat about his bid's chances of success and maintains that England have not lost a single vote during the past month. In which case, one has to wonder what all the fuss is about? Dare say we'll find out on 2 December one way or another.

David Cameron, meanwhile, says that he is 'frustrated' at the timing of a Panorama probe into FIFA, but said that it will not affect England's 2018 World Cup bid. The BBC programme investigating world football's governing body will be broadcast on 29 November - three days before the vote on 2 December in Zurich. 'Is it frustrating that Panorama's doing this programme a few days before? Of course it is,' Cameron told the BBC. 'But it's a free country. I think FIFA will understand.' This statement, from the thoroughly odious Warner, would appear to suggest otherwise and that he - at least - has already made his mind up who he's voting for. And who the rest of CONFACAF is going with, for that matter. England 2018 bid chief executive Andy Anson as mentioned previously had, ridiculously, accused the BBC of being 'unpatriotic' in airing the programme so soon before the vote as though the concept of patriotism is, in any way, a factor in the exposing of alleged wrongdoing; which is what Panorama claim they have evidence of. With a recent Sunday Times investigation into world football's governing body also resulting in two FIFA officials being banned while four others were suspended, the British media were feared, by some, to be 'harming' England's hopes. Although if the allegations about some of FIFA's top brass are true and can be proven then the question of whether the Prime Minister of this country should be quite so keen to hang out with them and lick their collective chuffs in an effort to get them to award this country the tournament is something which, I dare say, a few parliamentary voters might have something to say about in four years time. Be careful what you wish for, David, baby, it might just come true. Cameron, for example, has been photographed during this process happily shaking hands with Sepp Blatter. If, as Andrew Jennings suggests in Foul! Blatter really is as bent as a nine pound note, and if the BBC can prove that - all very big 'ifs' admittedly - then what, exactly, does that say about David Cameron's own credability? Panorama defended its decision to broadcast the programme as being in the 'public interest.' A BBC spokesperson stated: 'Panorama has a reputation for strong, independent and probing investigative journalism. The findings of the Panorama investigation into FIFA will be in the public interest.' And Cameron was keen to emphasise the positives of the British media. 'I think we also have to try and convince them [FIFA], yes we've got a robust and independent media, but our media love football and when it comes to the World Cup,' added Cameron who will be part of a thirty-man delegation in Zurich next week trying to win votes. 'In terms of audience, in terms of the press coverage around the world, actually the media will give it a fantastic boost here in this country.'

Derby Day Napsters

Yer Keith Topping had a thoroughly entertaining afternoon on Sunday watching the Tyne-Wear Derby, dear blog reader. In which his beloved, though still unsellable, Magpies defeated 'them lot from doon the road' 5-1 in what was, by the end, a bit of a hiding. What a pity, however, that Darren Bent scored that goal for Sunderland right at the end, thus robbing newspaper sub-editors everywhere of the chance to use Wey-Aye Five-Oh for a headline on Monday morning! For anyone who believed that Chris Hughton might struggle to survive much longer as a Premier League manager - and, if anyone can work out exactly where that rumour actually started, let me know, because yer Keith Telly Topping is pretty convinced it didn't originate anywhere within a twelve mile radius of Tyneside - or who imagined that Big Titus Shambles really had re-invented himself as an ultra-calm and reliable Premier League quality centre-half with the Black Cats it was an assumption-challenging sort of afternoon. St James Park was near its fifty two thousand capacity as the one hundred and forty first league meeting between two of British football's oldest, and bitterest, local rivals took place. Sunderland's Newcastle-born manager Steve Bruce return to his 'beloved' St James' Park, his words not mine, and the club he supported as a boy (something which he occasionally mentions in interviews, you might have noticed) accompanied by a squad of players who, as nufc.com observed in their pre-match coverage, 'also spend much of their time on Tyneside - living there, socialising there, attending police stations and magistrates courts etc.' Now, now - we've got one or two of those ourselves! Those who subscribe to the view that a four-four-two formation represents 'yesterday's men' in football terms or believe that Shola Ameobi was a Premier League striker with an uncanny ability to miss the barn door from three feet, were also in for a disquieting afternoon as preconceptions were thoroughly shattered just as emphatically as Sunderland's seven-match unbeaten league run. Mike Ashley, Newcastle's much-hated owner, is unlikely to think about sacking Hughton after his side dramatically exorcised the memory of a series of recently disappointing home performances at the expense of their fiercest rivals. Although, with that buffoon Ashley and his guffawing non-entity of a sidekick, Derek Llambias in the boardroom, you can never be too certain about pretty much anything. Hughton - keeping the four-four-two system that worked so well in United's win at West Ham last week - saw his tactical plans pay-off and Big Titus experienced a torrid return to Gallowgate being thoroughly terrorised by both Ameobi and Andy Carroll before getting himself sent off for a pointless hack on Carroll when the latter was through one-on-one with Simon Mignolet early in the second-half. By that stage, however, the game as a contest was all but over. Ameobi scored twice, once from a penalty in first-half injury time, whilst a resurgent Kevin Nolan registered a memorable hat-trick, United's first in a derby match since Peter Beardsley scored a memorable one on New Year's Day 1985. Small wonder then that, in the away dug-out, Steve Bruce, a Walker lad and childhood United fan (has he mentioned that recently?), but one who - allegedly - twice turned down the chance to become manager at St James', endured possibly the most uncomfortable afternoon of his tenure in charge of Sunderland. What a shame. Ironically it was Hughton looked the more nervous of the two as he shook hands with Bruce before the kick-off. He need not have worried. At the end of a manic first-half featuring lots of blood and thunder, some downright tasty tackling, precious little midfield possession but a considerable amount of excitement over the kind of football the English league used to specialise in, United were three goals to the good. Sunderland were, perhaps, the better side for the first quarter of an hour but, once United's midfield - and particularly the impressive Joey Barton on the right - began to get the ball down and knock it around - the home side grew in confidence and strength. The first goal arrived on twenty six minutes when Barton's corner was headed on in a crowded penalty area by Ameobi. Despite striking the dropping ball with his back to goal from an almost horizontal position, Nolan somehow flicked it over his shoulder and above Phil Bardsley into the roof of the net at the Gallowgate End. Sunderland's defensive record has been much improved this season but they regressed to some bad habits from the days of yore when conceding the second, eight minutes later. Their backline was all over the place as Andy Carroll - who had a splendid game up front - collected a blocked Jonás Gutiérrez effort with a wild scissor kick. It broke in the box and fell for the unattended Nolan, marginally onside, who had time to not only bring the ball down but recover from a slightly dodgy first touch before coolly shooting his sixth goal of the season. Bruce immediately brought his thirteen million pound Ghana striker, Asamoah Gyan off the bench as, with Ahmed Elmohamady withdrawn, he switched from four-five-one to four-four-two, a significant tribute to Hughton having won the tactical battle for the opening stages. Within minutes, though, Bruce's side were three down, Ameobi scoring clinically from the penalty spot after Nedum Onuoha tripped Gutiérrez as he surged into the box. It got worse for Sunderland early in the second half. Bramble, the former Newcastle centre-half, and looking every inch the lumbering plank he appeared to be for much of his time at Gallowgate, marked his return to Tyneside by being shown a straight red card for sending the accelerating Carroll crashing just outside the area. And, how the crowd enjoyed that after some of the comments Shambles had made about Newcastle supporters since he left the club. Quite rightly referee Phil Dowd judged Bramble had to go. Dowd himself had a decent, if a bit erratic, game being authoritative but at least communicating with the players unlike many of the more stand-offish referees. He did, however, make something of a rod for his own back early on by dishing out three or four pointless yellow cards which meant that, the longer the game went on, he had to carry on in the same manner. The game was tough and physical but never nasty and, of the nine yellow cards that accompanied Bramble's red it was probably only a late tackle by Cheik Tiote, an annoyed Lee Cattermole having a swipe at Jose Enrique and, late on, a cynical foul by Michael Turner on Carroll that actually deserved their cautions. I was particularly unimpressed by Danny Simpson being shown the yellow card for a tackle in which he missed Gyan by some feet but played the ball into touch. It appeared that it was Gyan's outraged reaction to a perfectly fair tackle which then got Simpson booked. That sort of thing - players getting fellow professionals booked or sent off by either feigning injury or reacting angrily to perfectly legal tackles is - I must admit, something which makes yer Keith Telly Topping's blood boil, so it does. Cattermole had been in a running battle with Nolan all match and Bruce, perhaps wisely, decided to take the booked Subnderland captain off and replace him with John Mensah. The Ghanan centre-back's first contribution was to bring down Carroll just outside the area from which he was lucky not to join Cattermole in the book. He was soon cautioned, however, for making his mouth go following a bit of handbags with Nolan before a corner. Ameobi volleyed a fourth goal after a Carroll header rebounded off the bar before creating the fifth himself by nodding on a corner from which Nolan completed his hat-trick. Although Darren Bent claimed a late goal it proved no sort of consolation to Bruce or his players who will probably feel like spending the coming week indoors with the curtains closed. And, the only disappointed people will be those sub-editors previously mentioned. The win lifted Newcastle above their local rival in the Premier League table to seventh. Can we stop the season now, please, that'll do yer Keith Telly Topping.

In somewhat related news, yer Keith Telly Topping had a very nice e-mail earlier this week from Colin, the lad who runs the independent Sunderland website, Salut! Sunderland to ask me if I'd like to do an interview with them in a semi-regular slot where they talk to a fan of their next opponents about all-things-f-word-related (Who Are You?). A sort of 'be nice to a tame Magpie for the day', if you like! Which I was delighted to do. Check it out, it's one of yer Keith Telly Topping's - slightly - more articulate rants than usual on the subject of his beloved (though, still unsellable) Magpies. I'd previously talked to Colin's website a couple of years back when the age old story of when, exactly, Tony Blair started supporting Newcastle came up yet again.

Big Mal

Malcolm Allison, the coach who helped inspire Manchester City to great success in the late 1960s, has died at the age of eighty three. Allison arrived at City in 1965 as assistant manager to Joe Mercer. The club went on to win the Second Division crown in 1966, the League title in 1968, FA Cup in 1969 and European Cup-Winners Cup and League Cup in 1970. Allison managed elevens clubs at home and abroad in a lengthy career, leading Sporting Lisbon to the Portuguese League and Cup double in 1982. He took charge of Crystal Palace on two separate occasions and also had spells as manager of Bath, Plymouth, Galatasaray, Toronto City, Middlesbrough and Bristol Rovers. During his playing days, Allison made more than two hundred and fifty appearances as a ball-playing centre half for West Ham, before losing a lung as the result of tuberculosis in 1958. He was part of the famed academy - a clutch of young, eager football theorists like John Bond and Noel Cantwell who amended the team's tactics after being inspired by the brilliant 1953 Hungarian side. Graduating into coaching with West Ham's youth team, Allison was credited with kick-starting the career of one of his first protégés, Bobby Moore. Big Mal - as he was known - always had an eye for publicity, and was famed for the Lucky Fedora which he wore during Crystal Palace's lengthy 1976 cup run and his love of cigars - but his later years were dogged by ill health. A statement on the Manchester City website read: 'Flamboyant, brilliant and larger than life, Malcolm will be sorely missed by everyone at the Club and beyond.' City plan to pay tribute to Malcolm at the forthcoming game against Arsenal, and have also pledged 'an appropriate commemoration to his life and work in the memorial garden at the City of Manchester Stadium.' Mike Summerbee told BBC Radio Manchester that Allison was 'the greatest coach this country ever had. And still is, without a shadow of a doubt.' He added: 'Joe Mercer was the figurehead but Malcolm Allison was the key to the door, really. He brought fitness levels to football that are still there now. He was the forerunner of fitness and tactics way beyond his time. We were doing things in 1965 on running machines at Salford University with massage based fitness, we trained in Wythenshawe Park with Derek Ibbotson and some of the Salford rugby league lads - that's how hard it was and how good it was. He was just quite an amazing man. A great personality and a well read man as well, a very intelligent person. He was a character. His life was full, every day he lived his life and his enjoyment was a pleasure for us as well. We worked hard together and we enjoyed ourselves together and he was a great personality and gave you the confidence to believe in yourself as a footballer.' His life in football was never far from controversy, Allison becoming a regular in the tabloids because of his relationships with, among others, Christine Keeler of the Profumo scandal and two Miss United Kingdom winners. In 1976 the Football Association charged him with disrepute because of a News of the World photograph showing him in the Crystal Palace players' bath with the risqué actress Fiona Richmond, who he had invited to a training session. Allison's TV appearances on ITV's panel of experts during the 1970 and 1974 World Cups remain the stuff of legend. He was one of the first celebrity managers - pre-Brian Clough - and a member of ITV Sport's innovative World Cup panel, led by Brian Moore, at the Mexico World Cup in 1970. Forget Pele, Champagne Malcolm was the undoubted star of the tournament. Packing an enormous cigar - sometimes blowing smoke into fellow panel member Derek Dougan's face to put the Irishman off - and looking as though he'd been having a great time in the Green Room beforehand, Malcolm used the opportunity to give the viewers his - never dull - thoughts on many aspects of the world of football and beyond: 'Why are we technically better in Europe? Because we play against peasants!' Either that, or he'd spend the programme criticising Dougan's choice of shirt. Skill!

No Go, Togo - Or, Where Have All The Club-A-Go-Gos Went-Went?

The head of the Togolese Football Federation has confirmed that the team which played a match against Bahrain last week was 'completely fake.' Chairman Seiyi Memene told the Associated Press that the FTF did not know the players who competed in the friendly game at Bahrain's National Stadium in Riffa. Memene said: 'We cannot send our players to play friendly matches abroad without the approval of FIFA. The players that took part in the friendly match against Bahrain were completely fake. We have not sent any team of footballers to Bahrain. The players are not known to us.' Chief of staff at Togo's sports ministry, Nabine Gnonh, confirmed that investigations had been launched and added: 'We don't have precise information at this point. We haven't received the list of the players who played this match and we still have to check if they were members of the national team.' The Bahrain Football Association also launched an inquiry into the match at the weekend after it was suggested that it was sold to the country by 'a fake footballer's agent.' Speaking to the Gulf Daily News, a BFA spokesman appeared to reject the claim, while noting that 'everything seemed to be in order until after the game.' Bahrain national team head coach, Josef Hickersberger, told the GDN that the poor performance of the Togo side was 'a a wasted opportunity' ahead of the West Asian Football Federation Championship, which starts on 24 September. 'Togo did not play their best team; for sure none of their professional players were there, I know some of them and didn't see any of them,' he said. 'They were not fit enough to play ninety minutes; the match was very boring, and basically it was not good for us because we wanted to get information about the strength of our team, especially playing with many of our professionals.' The publication went on to report that a letter listed a twenty-member Togo team, including each player's passport number and date of birth. However, a completely different list of eighteen players was provided by a team official a few minutes before the start of the match. Bahrain easily won the match 3-0.

England's back-to-back wins in their opening Euro 2012 qualifiers have resulted in them moving up one place to sixth in the - of course, completely meaningless - FIFA world rankings. Spain remain in top spot, ahead of the Netherlands, with Germany third, Brazil fourth and Argentina staying in fifth. England are just ahead of Uruguay, Portugal and African's top rated side Egypt. Chile complete the current top ten. The Republic of Ireland have risen three places to thirty third, with Northern Ireland's recent impressive start to their Euro campaign seeing them jump fourteen places to forty fifth, Scotland are forty seventh (though, God only knows how much lower they'd've been if one hundred and forty first placed Liechtenstein had held on for a point at Hampden) and Wales eighty fourth. France's recent poor form has dropped them to an all-time low of twenty seventh. Following their disastrous World Cup campaign, new coach Laurent Blanc's side lost their opening Euro 2012 qualifier at home to Belarus, although they subsequently beat Bosnia. Italy, after their own dreadful World Cup are currently thirteenth. England, of course, also had a poor World Cup campaign in South Africa this summer - although they got further than both France and Italy - but have since enjoyed something of a resurgence in the Euro 2012 qualifiers. Fabio Capello's side beat Bulgaria 4-0 and Switzerland 3-1 earlier this month. FIFA updated the standings, which take in results over a four-year cycle, using one hundred and fifty nine international matches played over five weeks. San Marino, Anguilla, Montserrat, American Samoa, Central African Republic and Papua New Guinea are joint two hundred and second (and last) rated, just behind Andorra.

The Agony & The Ecstacy

The 2012 European Championships qualifying groups kicked off over the past few days with some expected results but more than a fair share of surprises. Actually, that's not strictly speaking true - the tournament actually started over a month ago when, for some bizarre reason, Estonia played the Faroe Islands in Tallinn and Kaimar Saag's injury-time winner gave the Estonians the points. But, to all intents and purposes, the tournament as a spectacle kicked off with a series of matches over the weekend. England began their campaign on Friday with a comfortable 4-0 win over the hapless Bulgars at Wembley, a Jermaine Defoe hat-trick temporarily banishing bitter memories of that appalling and woeful World Cup fiasco which we all had to sit through. Capello's miserable band of over-paid, under-performing prima donnas at least conspired to continue their moderately - and I do use that word, please note - impressive start with the further 3-1 victory in Basel last night. The very lively Adam Johnson hit his second goal in two internationals, the Bent Mackem also scored, as did Rooney. This time, on the pitch. Lazio's Stephan Lichtsteiner was sent off for a rather crude hack on James Milner although the Swizz did score the best goal of the game, Xherdan Shaqiri hammering a twenty five yard spanker past a curiously nervous-looking Joe Hart. England currently lead Group G with six points from their two games. Montenegro also have two wins from two, a victory in Sofia last night following their giving the Welsh a damned good fisting at the weekend. A result which ultimately led to John Toshack leaving the job of national coach with the pithy comment 'I've taken the boys as far as I can, there are no longer any senior players left in the squad for me to upset, so, with that in mind, I think it's time for me to call it a day.'

Elsewhere, in Group A, Germany and Turkey look to be running away with that one already, both with two wins from two. Ze Chermans 6-1 win over Azerbaijan (Klose and Podolski, inevitably, being among the goals) and Turkey's narrow victory over ten-man Belgium being the highlights of the group so far. In the night's other match, Austria beat Kazakhstan 2-0. Group B also has two teams with a one hundred per cent record - the Republic of Ireland who had a comfortable win over Andorra following Friday's victory in Armenia, and Slovakia. The Slovak's victory over a very disappointing Russia in Moscow last night was, probably, the surprise of the entire tournament so far, although it possibly shouldn't have been as they looked a more than decent side in the World Cup. Remember that victory over the, admittedly rather poor, Italians?

And, speaking of the Eyeties, they've got off to a cracking start in Group C with, again, a one hundred per cent record of two wins from two. They beat Estonia in Tallinn on Friday and followed that up with a comfortable 5-0 walloping of the Faroe Islands in Florence. Pirlo, Quagliarella and De Rossi were among the goalscorers. Their main threat in the group will likely come from Serbia - four points from their two games so far - and Nigel Worthington's Northern Ireland whose usually dogged home form has now been allied with an ability to pick up results away too. As in their one game so far, Corry Evans giving them victory over Slovenia.

Group D appears to be the most wide open of the lot, especially after the favourites, France, continued their horrible World Cup form with an opening day defeat at home to Belarus. Dinamo Minsk's Syarhey Kislyak scored an eighty sixth minute winner that did for Les Bleus in the Stade de France. Florent Malouda's goal in a 2-0 victory over Bosnia-Hercegovina yesterday at least gives the French some points on the board but they're already behind Belarus - who followed their victory in Paris with a draw against struggling Romania - and surprise packages Albania who also have four points from two games. Albeit that does include a hard-fought 1-0 win against Luxembourg.

In Group E, it looks to be a two-horse-race between Sweden and the Netherlands. Zlatan Ibrahimović was rampant in the Swedes 6-0 win over group minnows San Marino just four days after the Sammarinese had run into Schalke's Klaas-Jan Huntelaar who was also in genuinely sparkling form. He scored a hat-trick in Friday's 5-0 victory. Huntelaar also scored both goals in the Oranj's 2-1 win against Finland in Feijenoord last night. With five goals already, he's way out in front as the tournament's leading scorer. Elsewhere in the group, Hungary - long overdue a good international tournament campaign - beat Moldova 2-1.

Croatia appear to be the obvious form-team in Group F although they were unable to find a way past the stubborn Greeks in their second match following an emphatic 3-0 win in Lativa. Israel are the other Group F team with four points, having beaten Malta 3-1 in Ramat Gan last Thursday and then drawn 0-0 in Georgia. Yossi Benayoun's hat-trick in the Malta game makes him the group's leading scorer. With just one goal in two games, and two points, Greece appear to be carrying on where they left off in the World Cup by trying to bore all the other teams to death.

Utter strangeness abounds in Group H where Norway's win in Iceland and subsequent 1-0 victory over Portugal see them comfortably at the top of the group. Denmark, who've won their only game so far - also 1-0 against Iceland - are in second place. But the big news here is the fact that Portugal have only managed one point so far. Their opening game was an extraordinary 4-4 draw with Cyprus in Guimarães. Andreas Avraam's last minute equaliser came after the Cypriots had led twice and Mark Clattenburg had, remarkably, got through a match booking only one player. Mind you, that was for 'looking at me in a funny way' so, let's not laud him too much.

Perhaps the biggest load of fun and games thus far have come in Group I. Scotland have a marginal lead in the group but that only tells a fraction of the story as, following a point in their opening game in Lithuania, the Scots were within seconds of drawing with Liechtenstein at Hampden Park. The part-timers from the mountains took the lead in the first minute of the second half through one of their few professionals, thirty six year old captain Mario Frick. Kenny Miller equalised twenty minutes later but it wasn't until the seventh minute of injury time that a Stephen McManus header from a corner spared Craig Levein's team what would have been, by general consensus, Scotland's most embarrassing result in their entire international history. Liechtenstein, currently ranked one hundred and forty first in the world and with a population some two thousand less than the crowd which attended the game in Glasgow were actually the better team for large chunks of the game. The Liechtenstein manager, Hans‑Peter Zaugg, after stressing he was proud of his players, questioned why two minutes more than had been allocated for stoppage time was played. 'They showed five minutes and played seven,' he said. 'I could take half a minute, but no more. But we weren't cheated, Scotland scored a good goal.' It was a bad night all round for Ukrainian referee Viktor Shvetsov who booked eleven players, many for the most trivial of offences but, somehow, managed to miss one of the worst tackles this blogger has ever seen - a truly horrific leg-breaker on Alan Hutton by Michele Polverino - despite being only a few yards from the incident. Luckily Hutton got up and walked away from it. Lithuania's shock win over the much-fancied Czech Republic in Prague conspired to leave Scotland topping the group at the end of the night. This morning they will, surely, have the decency to at least be a bit embarrassed by that. The Scottish Football Association also described as 'disgraceful' the booing of the Liechtenstein national anthem. A section of Scotland fans jeered the anthem - which has the same tune as 'God Save The Queen.' The SFA's acting chief executive George Peat said he was embarrassed by the booing. 'I apologise unreservedly to our visitors for the crass reaction to their anthem,' said Peat. Reigning champions Spain, who won their opening match 4-0 in Liechtenstein on Friday remain the overwhelming group favourites.

That Sixual Feeling

Yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved - though still, seemingly, unsellable - Newcastle United achieved a rousing victory over Aston Villa in their first home game in the Premier League since their return to top-flight football. In front a crowd of almost forty four thousand, Joey Barton opened the proceedings with a screamer from twenty five-yards, whilst skipper Kevin Nolan scored two on the day. But it was the Tynesiders number nine, Andy Carroll, who stole the show with a sensational hat-trick. The Toon's boss Chris Hughton saw Peter Lovenkrands return to the fold after shaking off an ankle injury, but the Dane had to settle for a place on the bench. Defensive signing Sol Campbell also remained sidelined for this encounter owing to a lack of match fitness as did Danny Guthrie and long-term injury casualties Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson and new signing Dan Gosling. Villa's caretaker boss, Kevin MacDonald, had striker John Carew in the starting line-up despite the forward having an ongoing knee problem, while fellow forward Gabriel Agbonlahor was absent due to a hamstring injury. MacDonald also chose to hand new signing Stephen Ireland his debut for the club after the midfielder arrived from Manchester City earlier in the week. Newcastle's first home game following their return to the big boys league, and a sobering - albeit, in a way refreshing - 3-0 defeat at Old Trafford on Monday, began positively, with a clear idea of how to go about their movement in the attacking third of the pitch. But the visitors were no less an attacking force early on. And their efforts earned them a golden opportunity as midfielder Ashley Young was taken down by goalkeeper Steve Harper as he chased a long ball. The referee pointed to the spot, to Harper's evident fury, and Carew stepped up to take it. But it was a shocker of a spot kick for a player of his experience - going for power instead of placement - and the ball sailed harmlessly over the bar. Less than a minute later, Jonas Gutierrez passed to fellow midfielder Barton, who let loose a beautifully struck shot from twenty five yards, which flew past Brad Friedel into the top corner of the old onion bag. Game, as they say, very much on. Barton - seemingly enjoying his football again after three seasons of more or less constant injury, controversy, fall outs with managers, common assault and more than a bit of porridge - had declared that he would shave off his recently acquired Oswald Mosley-style moustache as soon as United recorded their first win of the season. So, you can get the Gillette Mac-III out tonight, Joey. At this point, a special mention must be made concerning about crass, ignorant and disgraceful, excrement-agenda smeared Mackem supporting scumbag Louise Taylor in the Gruniad Morning Star for trying to stir some shit up by suggesting that the comments of a few glakes on the Internet misinterpreting Barton's celebration as a right-wing salute constitutes a major controversy. Or, even a minor one. 'A glorious afternoon for Newcastle United, featuring a hat-trick from Andy Carroll, was overshadowed [my italics] by Joey Barton's questionable goal celebration today.' No it wasn't, you silly bag. Not even remotely close. To be fair, even the vile, rancid numskull Taylor - who already has quite a bit of previous over exactly this kind of vomit-flecked anti-Newcastle manure - wasn't alone in her scummish stirring. The Daily Scum Mail also got in on the act. What a lovely bedfellow to have, Louise, your mother must be so proud of you. In fact, that's about the only time you'll ever see those two excuses for newspapers agreeing on pretty much anything ... other than their mutual loathing for Top Gear. I never thought, or particularly wanted to, see the day when I'd quite literally be punching the air at a cross-section of Daily Scum Mail readers' replies to a story and seeing them calling it what it is, absolute rank diarrhoea. I particularly enjoyed 'Zayd of Cardiff's response: 'If this is twisted into a nazi salute then it shows how desperate the tabloids are for some controversy.' Again, my italics. And, you can add to 'tabloids' dreary leftie-scum broadsheets too, it would seem. Anyway, back to the match and a little past the thirty-minute mark, the home side doubled their lead when a great early cross by Jose Enrique saw Carroll head the ball it into the path of Nolan, who headed it towards goal. The attempt was blocked but the former Bolton Wanderers midfielder grabbed the rebound. The hosts went into cruise control after thirty four minutes, when a corner from Barton saw defender Richard Dunne make a mess of the clearance. This allowed Carroll, who'd had a very good first half to that point, to showcase his predatory skills by striking a low left-footed shot into the bottom corner. Villa had a decent amount of possession for a short period in the second half, when there appeared to be a lull in the storm. But the second city outfit were unable to capitalise on their possession, as it was only a few more minutes before they hit the rocks again. Though, they did provide the crowd with their best laugh of the day when, at four-nil down, their answer was to bring on Emile Heskey! Hilarious. A corner from Barton in the sixty eighth minute ended up with Mike Williamson lobbing the ball back into the box. Carroll took it brilliantly on the volley and scored from fifteen-yards out. Following the fourth goal, the Villains looked completely deflated and their arses fell out completely as United looked like they could score at every given opportunity. The impressive Wayne Routledge missed two glorious opportunities for the Magpies as those Toonies who'd made the sacrifice of having a pint at the pub in favour of egging their players on were treated to a special day at St James' Park. Nolan tried his luck from close range to find the back of the net for a second time and, to cap a perfect afternoon for the Magpies, twenty one year old Carroll bagged his third with a shot in stoppage time from a pass by substitute Xisco, as former Toon striking legends Alan Shearer and Malcolm MacDonald looked on in appreciation. Hughton's team may not be particularly pretty but, for today at least today, they looked streetwise and up for it, Andy Carroll bullying Richard Dunne and co into the white flag of submission en-route to a hat-trick in exactly the same way he bullied a lot of Championship defences last season. All on a day when Villa simply, and quite shamefully, surrendered in the late summer sunshine. There is a feeling around St James' that Alan Smith may soon be surplus to requirements, especially as Hughton had today completed the signing of Cheick Tioté, the Ivory Coast defensive midfielder, from the Dutch champions, FC Twente. Tioté still requires a work permit but securing it is expected to be a formality. However, Smith had a fine match today as did Jonas Gutierrez - heavily criticised by Shaun Custis on this morning's Soccer Supplement after an ineffectual performance at Old Trafford. Mind you, Custis - that worst of creatures an exiled Georide in London with a crappy misty-eyed nostalgia for a place he couldn't wait to get away from in the first place - also had a go at Nolan who was probably the best player on the park today. So he clearly knows nowt! The six-nil victory for United followed Chelsea and Arsenal demolishing their opponents - Wigan Athletic and Blackpool respectively - by the same scoreline yesterday. Of course, as always in such circumstances, the inevitable question is were United really that good or was it Villa who were that spineless and wretched? Or, was it a bit of both? To be honest, I can't give you a short answer on that one, dear blog reader. Probably it was a bit of both. I only know that at the start of the season I'd've taken a fourth bottom finish for my club and avoidance of relegation like a shot. This afternoon, I'm starting to think of upping my ambitions for the season. To fifth bottom, at least! The result leaves United in seventh place in Premiership. Okay, can we just stop the season now, that'd certainly do me! As the Daily Mash did a brilliant send up of the whole thing, I'm just concentrating on the fact that we've got three points from two games. Another thirty seven of those and we'll be safe from relegation. Priorities, gentlemen. Always priorities.

One additional point: As previously mentioned, dear blog reader, yer Keith Telly Topping always used to have something of a soft spot for the Villa - along with Man City and Everton - but, a couple of years ago, I had the extreme misfortune to cross paths with a couple of their more gobby shitescum lice supporters on an Internet message board who had crawled out from under a stone and had plenty to say for themselves about other clubs many faults. Of course, when Villa themselves subsequently had a bit of a bad run, like most crass Internet bullies, they promptly shat in their own pants and ran an effing mile. To such an extent that since that day, hoping the Villa get a ruddy damned good shafting off whomsoever they're playing is always one of the first things this blogger looks for, hopefully, each weekend. So, as you can probably tell, I'm an extra specially happy Mag today.

Accrington Stanley? Who Are Dey?

Accrington Stanley have been rewarded for their Carling Cup defeat of Championship Doncaster with a second-round tie at home against yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United. Bradford, who beat Nottingham Forest, will host Preston, while Derby's conquerors Crewe will entertain Ipswich. Morecambe will play Burnley, Southend travel to Wolves and Port Vale meet Fulham. The ties will be played in the week commencing 23 August, with the Premier League sides involved in European competition joining in round three.

According to the Daily Mirror - so, as ever, take this with a vat of salt if necessary - Craig Bellamy has 'ruined' any chance he had of being named in Manchester City's twenty five-man Premier League squad after criticising boss Roberto Mancini as reported yesterday. Mancini is said to be 'seething' over Bellamy's outburst, in which the mouthy Welsh troublemaker claimed that he had not spoken to his manager in six months and criticised the Italian for his perceived aloofness.

Meanwhile, the Daily Scum Mail alleges that Sunderland manager and former Manchester United captain Steve Bruce had to borrow a Leeds tie to be allowed into the VIP area at Elland Road on Tuesday to watch his son, Alex, make his debut for the club. Derby boss Nigel Clough was allegedly refused entry last weekend because he was wearing a tracksuit.

Steven Gerrard scored twice in four second-half minutes as England came from behind to defeat Hungary in their first outing since their awful World Cup campaign. England, by and large, received warm backing from the seventy two thousand crowd inside Wembley, with applause comfortably outweighing booing after a performance during which Fabio Capello's team produced some occasional eye-catching attacking moves. But the crowd did voice their severe dissatisfaction when Phil Jagielka unfortunately guided a low cross into his own net after sixty two minutes. Capello had apologised for the team's performance at the World Cup in the build-up to the friendly, while Gerrard admitted that he expected his team to be booed. And while it is true that the likes of Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney were the subjects of jeers as they were substituted, with the latter responding by waving to the crowd, the large-scale outpouring of frustration did not materialise and England were applauded from the field at the final whistle. England began the match with seven of the team thrashed by Germany in the starting line-up, but there were few comparisons to be drawn with their abject performance in Bloemfontein as Capello's men started at a crisp pace and looked full of energy and invention. The coach had moved away from the much-maligned 4-4-2 formation, opting instead to play Barry, Gerrard and Lampard in a central midfield area, with Adam Johnson and Theo Walcott, who were both left out of the World Cup squad, providing the width as Rooney operated as a lone striker. Rooney was rarely isolated as both Lampard and, particularly, Gerrard showed a willingness to push into advanced positions.