Monday 13 May 2013

Decision Day

They might have been strutting around Wembley like they owned the gaff on Saturday, but Sunday was a bad day for relegation-haunted Wigan Not-Very-Athletic. Winners of the FA Cup against a horribly below-par Sheikh Yer Man City - whose manager looks set to get the jolly old tin-tack within the next few days as a direct result - twenty four hours later, a necessary dose of harsh reality smacked Wigan (and their odious, risible gobpiece of an owner) right hard in the mush. Which was funny. Victory for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, tragically, unsellable) Newcastle United over already relegated Queen's Park Strangers, Norwich City's four-nil hammering of a desperately poor West Bromwich Albinos and a draw between yer actual Blunderland and Southampton their very selves means that Wigan must win both of their remaining games (against The Arse on Tuesday and Aston Villains next Sunday) to avoid the dreaded drop to the Championship. Should they manage to do so, then the final relegation place will be decided between either the Villains (who have forty points and, amusingly, lost to a late Frank Lampard goal against Moscow Chelski FC on Saturday lunchtime) or, Blunderland (who have thirty nine points and who must face a trip to White Tart's Lane to face Stottingtot Hotshots). At the other end of the table, Emmanuel Adebayor scored a late winner for the Hotshots against Dirty Stoke to keep their Champions League qualification hopes alive. They are two points ahead of local rivals The Arse, although The Arse have that game against Wigan in hand (their final game will be at St James' Park). Ten-man Newcastle guaranteed their Premier League survival as they came from behind to defeat a risible awful Queen's Park Strangers at Loftus Road. An early spot kick from Loic Remy - who turned down a move to Tyneside in January to join the Strangers instead for mucho disgraceful wonga; one imagines he's bitterly regretting that move right about now - put the Strangers ahead but Hatem Ben Arfa soon levelled with another penalty after having his shirt blatantly pulled by Jose Boswinga. Then, some calamitous defending from Bosingwa and Rob Green allowed Yoan Gouffran an easy finish to put the Magpies ahead, a lead they held reasonably comfortably despite losing goalkeeper Rob Elliot to a second yellow card when he accidentally handled the ball outside the penalty area. Bosingwa, recalled after coming under heavy criticism for grinning all over his boat-race as he retreated down the tunnel following the Strangers' relegation and Stephane Mbia, fined by the club after he suggested on Twitter that he wanted to return to Marseille, were both constantly booed by their own supporters and were substituted at half-time by Hapless Harry Redknapp. United manager Alan Pardew said: 'It is a big relief because this is a massive club. We got the win we needed. The injuries we have suffered this year have been horrendous. This type of year usually ends up in relegation. It was a nervous display from us, we really needed that first goal. We have made mistakes but we will make sure that we protect ourselves. The Premier League is so unforgiving.' Robert Snodgrass and Grant Holt scored to set Norwich on their way to a win over a dreadful West Brom which also takes the Canaries to comfortable safety. Jason Puncheon cancelled out Phil Bardsley's opener to earn Southampton a point at  the Mackems, leaving both teams' survival hopes in the balance. Southampton edged a disappointing first half, but Blunderland took the lead after half-time through a deflected drive from Bardsley. Saints hit back through substitute Puncheon. Southampton should be safe though they can still be - mathematically - relegated (as can Fulham who, like the Saints, are currently on forty points). However, both have a massively superior goal difference to Wigan and Villa so it would take a freak series of results to see either side in trouble. Elsewhere, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws comfortably won at Fulham (who've hit a real bad spell towards the end of the season) and will finish in seventh place. The top club on Merseyside, for the second year running (their first back-to-back finishes above Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws since 1937!), will be yer actual Everton who gave The Hamsters a damned good hiding at Goodison Park in David Moyes' final home game before he takes over from the retiring Alex Fergsuon at The Scum. Meanwhile, Troy Deeney scored Watford's aggregate winner in an extraordinary finish to their Championship play-off semi-final second leg against Leicester. Twenty seconds after Anthony Knockaert had what appeared to be a rather soft penalty saved, Watford counter-attacked to the other end and Deeney thumped home the winner with seconds remaining. Earlier, a stunning Matej Vydra volley wiped away Leicester's first-leg advantage. David Nugent headed an equaliser to restore Leicester's advantage and, after another Vydra strike, Deeney netted the dramatic winner. A heartbroken Knockaert was seen blubbing his eyes out at the final whistle, whilst joyous Hornets fans invaded the pitch after their team booked their place in the play-off final at Wembley on Monday 27 May. They will play either Brighton or Crystal Palace for the right to join already promoted Cardiff City and Hull City.