The Dragon Slayers

Marcus Rashford inspired England to the victory required to top Group B and ensure it was abject despair and misery for Welsh Wales as they went out of the tournament after a bitterly disappointing World Cup campaign. Wales needed to either beat England and hope Iran and USA ended in a draw or pursue the even more unlikely outcome of running up a four-goal victory margin at Ahmad bin Ali Stadium. England, who now face Senegal in the last sixteen on Sunday, ensured neither scenario was ever a serious consideration as they dominated throughout and took full control after an uneventful first forty five minutes. Wales coach Rob Page was forced to replace Gareth Bale at half-time because of an injury, although the daft-haired talisman had only had seven touches in an anonymous display. And, any hope of Wales qualifying for the last sixteen was wiped out as England scored twice within six minutes of the restart. Rashford fired a free-kick past Danny Ward following Ethan Ampadu's foul on Phil Foden after fifty minutes, with the Sheikh Yer Man City midfielder then marking his return to England's team moments later by turning in Harry Kane's cross at the far post. Wales were demoralised and outclassed as they knew they were on the way home from Qatar and Rashford added his second in the sixty eighth minute, with a large slice of help from Wales keeper Ward, in for suspended Wayne Hennessey after his red card against Iran, who allowed a fierce shot to slip through his legs. England top Group B with seven points, two points ahead of the United States who set up a last-sixteen meeting with The Netherlands by beating Iran one-nil in their match, while Wales finished dead rock bottom last of the table with but a point. It took England time and another desperately dull first-half before they clicked into top gear but once they did, they were then able to overrun Wales, who ended this World Cup in timid fashion. And Rashford continued to make a big impact at this World Cup, with his double here coming after scoring with virtually his first touch in the six-two romp against Iran in England's opening game. He missed a good chance in the first-half when he was played though by Kane but his free-kick was emphatic and the second a reward for his willingness to drive into the Wales defence at pace. He almost had a hat-trick only for Ward to block his shot at the near post. Rashford must now be under serious consideration for a starting place when England face the tougher test of Senegal as the knockout phase gets under way. Gareth Southgate made four changes to his team that performed so poorly against USA, Rashford, Foden, Jordan Henderson and fit-again Kyle Walker coming in for Raheem Sterling, Bukayo Saka, Mason Mount and Kieran Trippier. It not only helped England run out easy winners but gave squad members valuable game time, especially Walker, who is such an important part of Southgate's plans but missed the end of the Premier League to undergo groin surgery. England and Southgate have achieved their first priority of qualifying for the last sixteen while topping their group, two strong wins against Iran and Wales coming either side of that dismal USA showing. It represents a job satisfactorily done by England - now they must take the next step against the dangerous African champions.

Same Old England, Always Flattering To Decieve

Having got everyone all excited when thrashing Iran earlier in the week, England's second match at the 2022 World Cup was a frustrating and disappointing one; a piss-poor, lethargic, second-to-every-ball, barely-able-to-string-two-passes-together performance against the US which ended scoreless. England laboured in the often drab draw and missed the chance to seal qualification for the World Cup knockout stage. Gareth Southgate's side were second best for long periods as they failed to match the energy, intensity and high-pressing game of the USA, who have their own hopes of making the last sixteen. England, with Harry Maguire outstanding in defence, were unimpressive and rode their luck when Weston McKennie missed an easy chance and Christian Pulisic struck the bar in the first half. Mason Mount brought a fine save from USA goalkeeper Matt Turner just before the break but this was an undistinguished display from England which carried none of the attacking verve that saw them thrash Iran in their opening game and leaves them heading into their match against Wales with their fate undecided (albeit, they would have to lose by four clear goals not to qualify).

Four years ago at the last World Cup in Russia, this blogger's former BBC Newcastle colleague Vicki Sparks became the first woman to commentate on a World Cup game for the Beeb when she did Portugal versus Morocco. Albeit, the poor lamb had to spend ninety minutes (plus injury time) stuck next to Martin Keown which is more akin to a five-stretch than a pleasurable experience. At this tournament, she was rewarded with Uruguay versus South Korea for 5Live. And she got lumbered with Clinton Morrison as co-commentator. Which is more like ten years in The Joint, frankly. Mind you, it could have been worse, on BBC1 Pien Meulensteen was stuck with Danny Murphy. The horror.

Watching The Netherlands versus Ecuador on ITV, everything creative seemed to be going through Steven Bergwijn in the first-half. I do wonder if Louis Van Gaal's pre-match team talk to his team was, basically, 'just pass to the Dutchie on the left hand side.'

Route One (Of Several)

So what have we learned after five days of the 2022 World Cup, apart from the fact that FIFA are a bunch of cowardly appeasers of fascista (which we knew anyway)? Inevitably, some people are getting somewhat carried away by one (admittedly clinically good) performance by England (against a desperately poor Iran side). As usually happens when England win one game lots of people are already blowing the dust off their World Cup wall charts and getting out a slide-rule to plot England's likely route to the final (yes, I'm looking at you, Sky Sports!) Especially after Argentina got beat by Saudi Arabia and Germany lost to Japan. Of the other fancied European sides Denmark looked dreadfully lethargic in their bore-draw with Tunisia and Belgium did likewise and were genuinely lucky to beat a plucky, hard-working Canada. So, yeah, no problem - England's got this in the bag, haven't they? Ignoring, of course, the fact that both France and Spain looked stunning whilst doing exactly what England did and giving the team likely to finish bottom of their respective groups (Australia and Costa Rica) a damned good, hard, trousers down hiding. And Brazil haven't even played yet! So, all-in-all, the same as usual after five days of any World Cup. Nobody knows nothing!

Meanwhile, it is an age-old truism in football that one should never, ever, do this. But, I'm going to.

Sixual Feeling

England's World Cup campaign opened in a thoroughly convincing fashion as they outclassed Iran during an incident-packed Group B match in Doha. Gareth Southgate's side strolled to victory, with Iran's hopeless plight made worse after the early loss of their goalkeeper, Alireza Beiranvand, to concussion after a clash of heads with his team-mate Majid Hosseini. Jude Bellingham got England off the mark with a soaring header from Luke Shaw's pinpoint cross ten minutes before the break shortly after Harry Maguire had hit the bar. The game was effectively wrapped up before half-time thanks to Bukayo Saka's fine strike and Raheem Sterling's classy volley with the outside of his foot from Harry Kane's centre. Iran's supporters were given a moment of delight when Mehdi Taremi scored a fine goal after sixty five minutes but it only produced a ruthless response from England as Saka scored his second and substitute Marcus Rashford added a fifth with his first involvement - both smooth, composed strikes. To put the gloss on an incredibly dominant display, Jack Grealish slotted home from close range after a good run and square pass by follow substitute Callum Wilson. Iran did pull another back in injury time when Taremi slotted in a penalty after a John Stones foul. The game - which included a whopping twenty four minutes of added time across both halves - finished, as they used to say on the Grandstand vidiprinter, England 6 (SIX), Iran 2. It was played out against the backdrop of yet more off-field controversy after England (and several other nations) were forced to ditch plans to wear OneLove armbands promoting diversity and inclusivity under threat from those well-known appeasers of fascists and dictators FIFA of players being cautioned should they carry out the gesture. It is almost impossible to deliver any firm judgement on England's World Cup prospects given the paucity of Iran's opposition but this could hardly have gone better for Southgate as his one major selection decision reaped a rich dividend and the result was near perfect (though he still expressed some post-match dissatisfaction at his side conceding two sloppy goals). Iran were expected to provide stern resistance as they currently reside in the top twenty FIFA rankings and have a recent victory against Uruguay on their record but England made light work of the task once Bellingham gave them the lead. Bellingham is being touted as one of the emerging talents at this World Cup, the nineteen-year-old Borussia Dortmund player is already a target for a host of the game's elite names. Even in the context of this game, Bellingham showed exactly why as he joined Saka as the dominant force in this game, scoring his first England goal with a magnificent header and bestriding midfield with a complete authority that belied his tender years. This was only the second time England have scored six goals in a major tournament but, on this evidence, one would not bet against the brilliant Bellingham being involved the next time it happens. Southgate picked Saka ahead of Sheikh Yer Man City's Phil Foden, the only mildly contentious decision in his line-up, but there can be no arguments after a hugely impressive performance from the twenty one-year-old who has played such a big part as The Arse currently lead the Premier League. Saka scored twice and was a threat throughout and thoroughly deserved the warm applause he received when he was substituted. It will get harder for England as they face the United States and Wales but this was the perfect start. Iran suffered the early setback of losing goalkeeper Beiranvand to suspected concussion but this was never going to change the course of the game give the chasm in class between the two sides. Iran coach Carlos Quieroz hinted at a bold approach beforehand but once the game settled down following an opening twenty minutes littered with interruptions, this match was only going one way. Iran's many fans had a moment of joy when Taremi thumped home his finish but there was little else to celebrate in this game as their team took one Hell of a beating. This was not a day without great significance, however, as both Iran's players and supporters used this global stage to make their feelings clear about the growing human rights protests against the ruling regime in their homeland. Their national anthem was shouted down by the supporters and none of the Iran players joined in singing it. Iranian fans could also be heard chanting 'Ali Karimi' in the first-half in reference to the former footballer who is one of the most outspoken critics of the Islamic Republic and among the most popular faces of the protest movement. The fans could also be heard chanting 'Be-Sharaf', which means 'dishonourable' in Persian. This is an adjective that protesters have used against security forces in Iran. It's also a useful phrase to describe that risible coward and arsehole Gianni Infantino and his idiot views. Hundreds of fans missed the start of the match because of what was described as 'an issue' with FIFA's ticketing app.

The World Cup? But, It's Only November ...

This blogger is not sure that he's ever had a really nice dream which has lasted as long as three months. But, seriously, he really does need to wake up now. After all, there's school tomorrow ...

Leicester City midfielder James Maddison has been included in England's twenty six-man squad for the forthcoming World Cup in Qatar. Gareth Southgate has also picked The Scum's Marcus Rashford and this blogger's beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies in-form striker Callum Wilson, Sheikh Yer Man City full-back Kyle Walker and The Arse's defender Ben White. But AC Milan centre-back Fikayo Tomori, Brentford striker Ivan Toney and West Hamsters United forward Jarrod Bowen missed out. England face Iran in their World Cup opener on 21 November. They are joined in Group B by Welsh Wales and the United States of America. Sheikh Yer Man City midfielder Kalvin Phillips, despite only recently returning from two months out with a shoulder problem, is also in the squad, as is centre-back Harry Maguire, who has struggled to get a game for The Scum this season. The full England squad is: Goalkeepers: Jordan Pickford (Everton), Nick Pope (Newcastle United), Aaron Ramsdale (The Arse). Defenders: Harry Maguire (The Scum), Luke Shaw (The Scum), Eric Dier (Stottingtot Hotshots) John Stones (Shiekh Yer Man City), Kyle Walker (Sheikh Yer Man City), Kieran Trippier (Newcastle United), Conor Coady (Everton), Ben White (The Arse), Trent Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws). Midfielders: Jude Bellingham (Borussia Dortmund), Mason Mount (The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC), Conor Gallagher (The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC), Declan Rice (West Hamster United), Jordan Henderson (Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws), Kalvin Phillips (Sheikh Yer Man City). Forwards: James Maddison (Leicester City), Phil Foden (Sheikh Yer Man City), Jack Grealish (Sheikh Yer Man City), Harry Kane (Stottingtot Hotshots), Bukayo Saka (The Arse), Raheem Sterling (The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC), Callum Wilson (Newcastle United), Marcus Rashford (The Scum).

Maddison's inclusion is reward for his superb form for Leicester this season. He has been instrumental in The Foxes' resurgence following their piss poor start to the season and he has six goals and four assists in twelve Premier League games. His only cap for England came almost three years ago - in a Euro 2020 qualifier against Montenegro when he played thirty five minutes. 'He is playing really well,' said Southgate. 'He is a good player. We have always said he is a good player. He has earned the right. We think he can give something slightly different to the other attacking players we have. He is playing as well as any of the attacking players in this country and he is a bit different to the others.' Walker has proved his fitness to Southgate after undergoing groin surgery and not playing for more than a month. The England boss has also put his faith in Phillips, despite the midfielder having had injury struggles throughout this season. Phillips, who has had surgery on his shoulder, returned to action as a second-half substitute in Shiekh Yer Man City's two-nil win against The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC in the Carabao Cup on Wednesday. Rashford has not played for England since the Euro 2020 final defeat by Italy, but the forward has scored seven goals in all competitions for The Scum this season. This blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies' striker Wilson, who has scored six goals in ten games this season, joins his team-mates Pope and Trippier in the squad, a significant tribute to the way in which Eddie Howe's side have been playing. It is the first time that Newcastle have had three players in an England World Cup squad since 1998 (Alan Shearer, David Batty and Rob Lee). Wilson and England captain Harry Kane will be The Three Lions' main striking options for the World Cup. Like Brentford's Toney and West Hamsters' Bowen, Roma striker Tammy Abraham has been overlooked. 'We have wanted to make sure we have the balance of the squad right,' added Southgate. 'In this day and age squad is more important than ever with five substitutes. You want different options for different moments of matches and different stages of the tournament as well. We have had to cover a couple of players who are not fully match fit as well so having twenty six players means you can take a couple of risks. We think the balance is there. We think we have everything covered.'

For those dear blog readers who may be unfamiliar with what we're talking about here, association football is a sport which is played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Portugal are one of them, two teams of nine ... or eight ... - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport on the planet. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something that girls play. The game takes place on a pitch of rectangular grass or artificial turf. The object being to score by getting the ball into the opposing goal and then stopping them from doing the same to you. Fairly, of course. Or, if you're Italian, anyway you can. In general play, the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to use their hands to touch the ball although at least one late Argentine international tended to ignore that rule. The rest of the team use their feet to kick the ball. And, each other. Often. It's a game of two halves, Brian and, at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will be Over the Moon and the other lot will be Sick as a Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves and extra time. And then the Germans win on penalties. The game is frequently not controlled by an officious, whistle-happy berk aided by two visually-impaired prats with flags. It was invented by the English but, whisper it, we're not actually all that good at it. The Brazilians are. Usually. Except when they aren't. The Dutch and the French and the Spanish can be quite useful too but, more often than not, they end up fighting among themselves after a couple of matches. Which can be jolly amusing to watch. The game has many rules, most of which are self-explanatory. Except for offside (don't ask, trust me, we'll be here all day). Every four years the best thirty two nations in the world come together in a spectacularly expensive corporate brown-tongued hate-fest. Scotland usually don't take part. Because, as noted, it's a tournament for the world's thirty two best national sides. Thirty one of them go home muttering about bias, conspiracy, bad luck, dodgy red cards and 'that was never over the line.' There can be only one champion. A bit like the movie Highlander, only with less beheadings. Although, if you're ever seen Uruguay play ...