If It's Sunday, United Must Be On The Telly

Papiss Demba Cisse scored twice as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies delivered a first-half masterclass in a 3-1 win over the West Bromwich Albinos on Sunday that maintained United's push for a European finish. Newcastle produced an excellent attacking performance to beat The Baggies at The Hawthorns and move level on points with fifth-placed Moscow Chelski FC. The Senegal striker finished off well-worked moves either side of a solo effort by French playmaker Hatem Ben Arfa, virtually securing victory for Newcastle by the thirty fourth minute. West Brom improved after the break, with substitute Shane Long reducing the deficit in the fifty second minute after a defensive mix-up in which Mike Williamson looked like a right plank when he collided with Tim Krul. But, Newcastle held on to move level on points with fifth-place Moscow Chelski with eight matches of the season left. Stottingtot Hotshots are five points ahead in fourth, The Liverpool Yee-Haw Alabamans eight points being The Toon in seventh. Cisse has now scored five goals in six matches since joining United from Freiburg in January. The tone was set as early as the fifth minute when Cisse's cross was only half cleared by Liam Ridgewell to Demba Ba, whose volley into the ground was tipped over the crossbar by Ben Foster. Within a minute the Magpies were ahead. Jonas Gutierrez slid possession out to the unmarked Ben Arfa, wide on the left and his cross was clinically converted by Cisse, who was marginally onside despite appeals from the Baggies defence and howls of derision from their more numskull supporters. You know, like Adrian Chiles, fr instance. By the twelfth minute it was two thanks to a counter-attacking masterclass from the Magpies. Starting on the edge of his own area, Ben Arfa played a neat one-two with Yohan Cabaye and then exchanged passes with Cisse to leave him deep in Baggies territory. Then, shaping on to his left foot, he cut in from the right channel before unleashing a spanker of a left foot shot into the far corner of Foster's net. James Morrison and Marc-Antoine Fortune both spurned chances as the Baggies attempted to gain a foothold in the contest, however any prospect of a comeback was more-or-less dismissed by Alan Pardew's team's third in the thirty fourth minute. Once again, it occurred with all of the brute force of a savage slap across the chops in terms of counter-attacking. Ben Arfa was, again, at its core, releasing Ba down the left with a perfectly-weighted pass. The Frenchman continued his run beyond the Senegal striker, who released him with a cute backheel, before his cross was swept home by Cisse. Chris Foy's half-time whistle was, unsurprisingly, greeted with discord from the sour-faced home crowd, while a double substitution by Hodgson, replacing Keith Andrews and Jerome Thomas with Shane Long and Chris Brunt, hardly came as a shock. United were also forced into a half-time change, Fabricio Coloccini suffering a hamstring injury late in the first half. He was replaced by Davide Santon with James Perch moving inside to partner Williamson at the centre. An untimely slip from Billy Jones presented Cisse with a one-on-one duel with Foster for his hat-trick, but the goalkeeper prevailed, standing tall to block with his body. The home side created a chink of light for themselves in the fifty second minute when Long reduced the deficit. Tim Krul darted off his line to deal with a flighted ball but Williamson, panicked under pressure from Peter Odemwingie and diverted it into the Irishman's path to leave him with an empty net. Which, of course, was queue for the locals to go mental and start beating their chests and chunter on about how they were gonna do this and that and the other. In the event, they did none of the above. Long's energy certainly provided the Baggies with fresh impetus, yet with their onus now on the offensive, it left them vulnerable to counter-attacks and, after another delicious dribble, Ben Arfa forced a fine Foster save. The comeback ended there, however, as a combination of stoppages for injuries and resolute Newcastle defending halted Roy Hodgson's side's momentum, leaving the travelling Toon Army to toast a hugely impressive display from their side. It has been a memorable season for the Magpies so far - despite a feeling that they've rather punched above their weight - and on this evidence they certainly remain capable of challenging for a top-six finish. Key to their chances are the attacking trio of Ben Arfa, Cisse and Demba Ba - none of whom West Brom could live with early on. The Baggies are now without a win in three matches but remain eleven points clear of the relegation zone in fourteenth.

Like a sinister, cat-stroking, vile and odious Bond villain intent on total world domination, Mike Ashley has seemingly hatched a terrible plan to rebrand not just the home ground of yer actual Newcastle United, but also anything with the name of St James' Park attached to it. At least, that's if the BBC's sports website football result compilers are to be believed. Having now spread his tentacles down to Devon - and Exeter City's so-called 'real St James Park' - nothing would seems sacred and beyond the billionaire's horrifying doo-dah. From The North awaits the chilling news from London of the newly-christened 'Sports Direct Palace', 'Sports Direct Royal Park', 'the Court of Sports Direct Arena' and 'Sports Direct Tube Station.'

Magpies and Canaries

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, still unsellable) Magpies got back to victorious away after a four-game spell without a win as Papiss Demba Cissé's sublime first-half finish sunk Norwich City and revived Newcastle's push for a European place. Cissé superbly turned Jonás Gutiérrez's cross into the top corner from twelve yards. Cissé and strike partner Demba Ba were then denied several times by excellent John Ruddy saves as the Magpies dominated the early exchanges. However, Newcastle, who started with Gutiérrez at left-back and James Perch protecting the back four in the absence of Davide Santon and Cheick Tioté, did not have things all their own way. Norwich rallied and enjoyed good spells either side of the break. But, their best chances were thwarted by the excellent Tim Krul who tipped over a goalbound Zak Whitbread header and blocked a shot from Anthony Pilkington. United finished the stronger and, although it was far from their best performance of the season they never really looked in too much danger of surrendering their lead. The win kept United in sixth place in the Premiership, five points ahead of seventh placed Liverpool. Elsewhere on Sunday, the football world once again displayed a surprisingly capacity for yer actual humanity - something too often unrecognised by critics of the sport - with fans across the country demonstrating their solidarity with Bolton's Fabrice Muamba who remains in a critical condition in intensive care after suffering a heart-attack during the FA tie against Tottenham Hotshots on Saturday. There were rounds of applause from supporters at St James' Park, Stamford Bridge (where Chelsea were playing Leicester), Anfield (where Liverpool played Stoke) and Molineux (where poor ten-man Wolves got a right good trousers-down hiding off The Scum). Former Bolton defender Gary Cahill scored the opening goal in Chelsea's FA Cup quarter-final against Leicester and revealed a T-shirt with the message: 'Pray 4 Muamba.' Bolton's next scheduled match, against Aston Villa on Tuesday, has been postponed. Villa boss Alex McLeish also worked with Muamba at Birmingham. 'He is a manager's dream in terms of his commitment to the team,' said McLeish. 'The massive response throughout Europe and the world of football underlines how everybody has been touched by this tragic development and I pray that Fabrice is able to pull through.' Meanwhile, it is being reported by several national newspapers that a man has been arrested after allegedly making racist remarks relating to Muamba. The Scum Mail on Sunday claimed that a twenty one-year-old from Pontypridd 'aired his disparaging views on Twitter in the wake of the midfielder's tragedy.' Not having read the comments in question - which I'm rather glad about - the blogger is being very careful about how he phases the next paragraph. If - and I repeat if - any odious fraction of an individual is found guilty of making such comments (about Muamba or anyone else for that matter), is it too much to hope that they die, in agony, from cancer of the genitals? Possibly, it is. But, it'd also be fitting.

Fabrice Muamba

Bolton Wanderers midfielder Fabrice Muamba is critically ill this evening after collapsing during the FA Cup fifth-round tie against Tottenham. The twenty three-year-old is being treated in the intensive care unit of the heart attack centre at the London Chest Hospital. Medics spent ten minutes trying to resuscitate him on the field after he fell to the ground with no other players around him. The score was 1-1 when the match was abandoned after forty one minutes. 'Bolton Wanderers can confirm that Fabrice Muamba has been admitted to The Heart Attack Centre at The London Chest Hospital where he is in a critically ill condition in intensive care,' said a joint statement from Bolton and the hospital released at half past nine on Saturday night. 'No further information will be issued at this stage. The club and hospital request that the media and public respect the family's privacy at this time.' Medical staff gave the former England Under-21 international mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and tried to revive him with a defibrillator. In total six medics were treating the player. Both sets of supporters chanted Muamba's name as he was taken off the pitch on a stretcher. ESPN, who were broadcasting the match, reported that he was not breathing as he was taken into the tunnel. Referee Howard Webb called the visibly shaken players off the field after consulting with Bolton manager Owen Coyle and Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp. Minutes later the match was abandoned. The former Arsenal midfielder was accompanied in the ambulance by Coyle and club captain Kevin Davies. BBC Radio 5Live's chief football reporter Dennis, who was covering the game at White Hart Lane, witnessed medics rushing to aid Muamba. 'When the medical staff arrived his face was on the turf,' he said. 'You could see them using a defibrillator and he was [electronically] charged on at least two occasions. Everyone could see Fabrice Muamba was fighting for his life. If he does pull through it will be down to the quick actions of the medics.' Soon after the incident, messages of support flooded in for the former Birmingham City and Arsenal player. Spurs' Rafael van der Vaart was one of those on the pitch when Muamba collapsed. He tweeted: 'Terrible what happened with Muamba during the game. We're all praying for him.' England international Jack Wilshere, who played with Muamba at Bolton, wrote: 'Hope Muamba is okay. Thoughts with him.' Middlesbrough defender Justin Hoyte, who played in the Arsenal youth team with Muamba, said: 'I seriously hope my best friend in football is okay. Stay strong bro, please please stay strong. God is with you remember that.' The Professional Footballers' Association chief executive Gordon Taylor said it was 'a terrible thing to see for all the football family. This can happen on a pitch and [it is] one of the reasons why we insist all youngsters coming into the game have the ability to have heart screenings to avoid this happening,' he said. FA chairman David Bernstein said their thoughts and prayers were with Muamba and his family. 'Fabrice has played thirty three times for England Under-21s, captaining Stuart Pearce's side during this time and is a player, and more importantly, a person we care greatly for,' he said. 'We are in contact with Bolton Wanderers over Fabrice's condition and are awaiting updates.' Muamba joined Wanderers from Birmingham in 2008 and has made almost one hundred and fifty appearances for the club. Born on 6 April 1988 in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo, was granted asylum status in Britain in 1994 at the age of eleven, rejoining his father who had been forced to flee his homeland on political grounds. He progressed through Arsenal's youth academy, representing England at every level from under-16 to under-21. It was unclear what caused the Bolton player to fall down in the forty second minute with the score 1-1, but it was clear immediately that he was in obvious distress. Players and staff immediately realised the seriousness of the situation, with Tottenham's players gesturing frantically for the paramedics to come on. Muamba lost consciousness and several attempts were made to resuscitate him on the pitch using CPR. Bolton's manager, Owen Coyle, shouted: 'He's just collapsed,' before running across to join the paramedics and looked on as the medical team struggled to revive his stricken player. As we said when Gary Speed's shockingly untimely death was announced late last year, it's at times like this it's brought home to everyone that football, great game that it is, is still ultimately just a game.

Singin' The Blues

Andre Villas-Boas has got the old tin-tack by Moscow Chelski Chelsea FC after less than a year in charge at Torpedo Stamford Bridge. This less than three hours after the best football journalist in the world, Henry Winter on the Torygraph, confidentially predicted that he wouldn't be chucked out into the gutter with all the other turds just yet on Sky Sports' Soccer Supplement. Nice goin' Henry, what do you do for an encore? Chelsea's decision comes on the back of Saturday's 1-0 defeat by West Bromwich Albino and a run of just three Premier League wins in their last twelve games. The thirty four-year-old Portuguese only took over as manager in June 2011. Former Chelsea midfielder Roberto di Matteo has been put in charge as first-team coach on an interim basis until the end of the season.

Meanwhile, in the only - properly - important football news of the day, Newcastle United's substitute Big Shola Ameobi rescued a dramatic point for The Toon in a bad-tempered derby with the ten-man Mackem Filth at St James' Park. Which was nice. Nicklas Bendtner's penalty, after Mike Williamson needlessly fouled Michael Turner, had put the Black Cats ahead in a blood-and-thunder first-half that saw six players booked. Blunderland were then forced to play for more than half-an-hour with ten men after Stéphane Sessègnon stupidly lashed out at Cheik Tioté elbowing him in the chest. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, still, unsellable) Magpies dominated the second-half, with Demba Ba hitting the bar and then, later, having a penalty saved by Simon Mignolet. They looked to be running out of time until yer actual Shola poked home from close range. It was Big Shola's seventh goal in Tyne-Wear derbies against The Great Unwashed, only the legendary Jackie Milburn having scored more. After the final whistle the Mackems' captain, nasty little shin-kicker Lee Cattermole, was shown the red card for whinging at the referee over some perceived sleight or other. Or maybe, like most sensible people, Mike Dean just doesn't like him very much. Earlier thuggish, oafish bonehead Cattermole had set the tone for much of what was to follow when he was booked inside a minute of the game starting for a ghastly late, two-footed tackle on Tioté which left Newcastle's Ivorian enforcer in a crumpled heap on the floor. Alan Pardew's men pushed hard for an equaliser in the second-half but blew a golden opportunity when Fraizer Campbell gifted Newcastle a penalty of their own for a foul on Ameobi. Demba Ba missed from the spot after eighty three minutes, only for Shola to spare his blushes in stoppage time. Mingolet, who had made several fine saves during the match (particularly one from Hatem Ben Arfa) was also on hand to stop Williamson from winning it for United with virtually the last kick of the game. Former Newcastle and Sunderland midfielder Lee Clark said on BBC Radio 5Live: 'I think both sets of fans can be proud of what their teams have done. Ameobi has come up with the goods again in a North East derby, but Sunderland had to work very hard in the second half after they were let down by Sessègnon.'

Brazilians Not Spending Millions

Brazil says that it will 'no longer deal' with the secretary-general of football's world governing body, FIFA, following his 'unacceptable' comments about preparations for the 2014 World Cup. Sports Minister Aldo Rebelo insisted FIFA appoint someone else to work with Brazil on the competition. Jerome Valcke had said Brazil needed 'a kick up the backside.' He said THAT the country appeared to be more concerned with winning the World Cup than organising it. Valcke responded to the sports minister's snub by calling the move 'puerile.' Rebelo branded Valcke's comments 'inappropriate' and said that Brazil would no longer welcome him to the country. Fine. Take the World Cup off them and let somebody else host it. Easy solution. 'In light of these statements, which are inadequate and unacceptable comments for any type of relationship, the Brazilian government is going to send a letter to Blatter telling him it no longer accepts Secretary-General Valcke as an interlocutor,' Rebelo said. Brazil would work with other local FIFA organisers but not Valcke, who Rebelo said had contradicted comments FIFA itself had made after a visit in January. 'The secretary-general made an evaluation that does not correspond to the facts or the reality,' Rebelo added. Valcke had said during a visit to London: 'I don't understand why things are not moving. the concern is that nothing is made or prepared to receive so many people, because the world wants to go to Brazil. I am sorry to say but things are not working in Brazil.' The FIFA secretary general also expressed frustration at delays in approving a law setting out the regulatory framework for the World Cup. The World Cup bill - currently being considered by the Brazilian Congress - would lift a ban on alcohol sales in stadiums and limit discount ticket sales to students and pensioners. But it has been opposed by lawmakers who say THAT it gives Fifa too much power, as well as those who are against alcohol sales in stadiums on health and safety grounds. Speaking on Saturday, Valcke said: 'If [I'm] the problem because nothing has happened over the five years because I made, wow, one comment saying things are not working well and I for once said exactly what is happening in Brazil - if the result is they don't want to talk to me any more, I'm not the guy they want to work with, that's a bit puerile.' The Brazilian government has always said it is determined to deliver a successful World Cup as well as a lasting legacy. It is investing billions of dollars in building new stadiums and renovating old ones, as well as in transport infrastructure such as roads and airports. The 2014 World Cup will be the first in South America since Argentina hosted the tournament in 1978, and the first in Brazil since 1950.