Hopes Spring Eternal

The 2013-14 Premier League season gets under way on Saturday, with clubs playing for more money than ever before. The TV rights have been sold to BT and BSkyB for over three billion smackers over three years, up £1.25bn on the previous package as everybody connected with the deal got their collective greed on, big style. The opening Premier League fixtures are as follows: -
Saturday
Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws v Dirty Stoke
The Arse v Aston Villains
The Turkeys Norwich v The Toffos
Blunderland v Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance
West Bromwich Albinos v Southampton
The Hamsters v Cardiff
Swansea v The Scum
Sunday
Crystal Palace v Stottingtot Hotshots
Moscow Chelski FC v Relegation Haunted Hull
Monday
Sheikh Yer Man City v Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies
Jose Mourinho has returned for a second spell as Moscow Chelski manager while dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman David Moyes fills the role vacated by ... dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson at The Scum. The league also welcomes Championship winners Cardiff City, along with newly-promoted Hull City and Crystal Palace. Former Real Madrid manager Mourinho will have his sights set on repeating the success of his last spell at Torpedo Stamford Bridge, which ended in September 2007 after he had won two Premier League titles. But Moyes, who joins the current champions from The Toffos following the end of Ferguson's twenty six-year reign of terror at Old Trafford, will look to end their hopes. Manuel Pellegrini takes over at last season's runners-up Sheikh Yer Man City, with the Chilean leaving Malaga to replace the sacked Roberto Mancini, while other managerial newcomers include Roberto Martinez, appointed the new boss at The Toffos, and Mark Hughes at Dirty Stoke. With a fortnight left until the close of the transfer window, the futures of The Scum's striker Wayne Rooney, Stottingtot Hotshots midfielder Gareth Bale and Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez are unresolved. Rooney wants to leave Old Trafford but The Scum insist he is not for sale. Bale is keen to speak to suitors Real Madrid, while Suarez wants to leave Merseyside for Champions League football.

It certainly hasn't taken David Moyes long in his new role as manager of The Scum to acquire his predecessor's predilection for whinging like a big stroppy girl. Moyes says he finds his club's start to the new season 'hard to believe.' Among their first five Premier League games, the champions host Moscow Chelski FC and Sheikh Yer Man City and The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws away. Moyes whinged: 'I find it hard to believe that's the way the balls came out of the bag, that's for sure.' The Premier League responded by saying: 'We have absolutely assured him the process is random and above board. He has accepted those assurances.' Although, quite why they had to 'assure' him of anything when it's none of his frigging business or anything even remotely like it is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. Earlier on Thursday the dour and sour-faced Scotsman whinged: 'I think it's the hardest start for twenty years that Manchester United have had. I hope it's not because Manchester United won the league quite comfortably last year [that] the fixtures have been made much more difficult.' Moyes officially took over from dour and sour-faced Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson, who retired after twenty six trophy-laden and constantly-whinging years in charge, on 1 July. The former Everton boss saw his new side win the Charity Shield with a 2-0 victory against Wigan Not Very Athletic (and theirbloody odious and risible chairman) last week.

Former Newcastle striker Alan Shearer says that the large contingent of French players at the club is 'unhealthy.' Well, aye. I mean, the smell of garlic, for a kick-off ... Newcastle's recent capture of Queen's Park Strangers' forward Loic Remy on loan means that Alan Pardew's squad has eleven French players. Shearer is worried that this could 'have a negative impact' if things went against Pardew's side. 'I don't think it's a healthy thing to have too many French players in one dressing room,' Shearer told BBC Radio 5Live. Though, to be fair, it's never done, you know, France too much harm. Wor Shearer then elbowed someone in the face on general principal. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) magpies finished fifth from bottom in the Premier League table last season after a horrible season disrupted by injuries and a, very unwelcome, Europa League campaign and start the 2013-14 campaign away to Sheikh Yer Man City on Monday. 'If things start to go against you then little cliques appear [in the dressing room],' added Shearer, who scored two hundred and six goals in four hundred and four games during a ten-year spell at Newcastle before managing the club for two months in 2009. 'I know Arsenal had a lot of French players and went on to be successful. But I don't see Newcastle being that successful.' Despite his comments, Shearer is tipping his old club to enjoy a better season than last. 'Two years ago, Newcastle overachieved without doubt by finishing fifth,' he said. 'Last season they underachieved by finishing fifth bottom. If the truth be known, they're somewhere in between. At the minute I would have them finishing eleventh or twelfth.'

Here Comes The Summer

A summer World Cup in Qatar in 2022 would be 'impossible' according to Football Association chairman Greg Dyke. Dyke, who took up his FA role last month, thinks that the tournament is likely to move to winter because of the heat. The Premier League opposes a change of dates, as do most of the other league's in Europe, while Dyke's predecessor David Bernstein said in June that any switch would be 'fundamentally flawed.' But Qatar's World Cup organising committee says it is ready to host the tournament in summer. 'Even if all the stadia are air-conditioned, I think it will be impossible for the fans,' Dyke said. 'Just go out there and wander around in that sort of heat. I just don't think it's possible. My position, and I suspect the FA's position, will be: "You can't play it in the summer."' The Qatar 2022 Supreme Committee told BBC Sport in a statement: 'It was the right decision to award the World Cup to the Middle East for the first time in 2022. We are ready to host in summer or winter. We have always maintained that this issue requires the agreement of the international football community. A decision to alter the dates of the 2022 FIFA World Cup would not affect our infrastructure planning.' The Premier League is understood to be 'surprised and disappointed' by Dyke's comments, as it wishes to join forces with the FA in opposing a change of date. Richard Scudamore, the Premier League chief executive, said in July that switching the Qatar World Cup to winter would 'cause chaos' for football leagues around the world. His organisation believes such a change would have an impact on the three domestic seasons around the tournament - most notably 2021-22 - affecting broadcast deals and requiring every player's contract to be rewritten. In 2010 Qatar controversially defeated bids from South Korea, Japan, Australia and the United States to be awarded the 2022 World Cup amid allegations of back-handers and general dodgy shenanigans and malarkey and shit. The bid has been plagued by allegations of corruption, although organisers have always insisted that they did nothing wrong. Temperatures in the Middle East state can reach fifty degrees in the summer, and FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke admitted in March that the tournament 'might' be moved. FIFA president the odious Sepp Blatter said in May it was 'not rational' to play in such heat. But, shortly before stepping down as FA chairman, Bernstein said there should be no change. 'The bid was for the World Cup to be played in June and July, and for it then to be moved to the winter would be fundamentally flawed,' he said. 'If people want it in the winter, they should bid for it on that basis.' Dyke, though, believes a move is inevitable and suspects there is likely to be legal action as a result. The sixty six-year-old, who has visited Qatar in June, added: 'FIFA have therefore got two choices. They can move it either time-wise or to another location. I suspect either will end up in some sort of litigation. But then someone should have worked that out in 2010 when it was awarded. I understand the reaction of the Premier League in not wanting to move it, and I have some sympathy with them. We didn't have to choose to give it to Qatar in the summer. But that's where it is and I think it will either have to be moved out of the summer or moved to another location. I suspect that the former is more likely than the latter.' FA general secretary Alex Horne said that any change to the international calendar would 'trigger complications' for clubs, national associations, leagues and competitions around the world. 'It's a big jigsaw that will have to be put together and it'll take months. The last time we did this it took eighteen months to agree a calendar which is the one we're looking for 2014 to 2018, so it won't be quick to fix it if the decision is that we think it should be other than in July,' he said.

Yer actual David Ginola has joined BT Sport's football team. The ex-Newcastle, Stottingtot Hotshot and France winger will co-present and provide analysis across the broadcaster's channels. 'I am incredibly happy to be joining BT and to be part of the fantastic line-up from the start,' Ginola said. 'I trust that the viewers and sports fans are as excited as I am about this new channel, which promises a different approach to sports broadcasting.' Director of BT Sport Simon Green said: 'We are really delighted to have secured David Ginola to be one of our football experts. Every football fan knows that David was one of the most talented players in Premier League history, and he has proved to be one of the most accomplished broadcasters since hanging up his boots. We expect David to provide a combination of flair and insight in his role with BT Sport, and he adds a certain style to any programme.' Ginola joins greedy little workshy malingerer, horrorshow (and drag) Michael Owen, David Calamity James, Steve McManaman and Owen Hargreaves at BT Sport and will work on Premier League, FA Cup and European football matches, include the French Ligue 1. After retiring from playing, Ginola has worked as a pundit for BBC, CNN, Al Jazeera and Orange.

Robin van Persie ensured the David Moyes era at The Scum began with a trophy as Wigan Not Very Athletic (and their odious chairman) were beaten 2-0 in the FA Community Shield at Wembley on Sunday.

And, We're Off ...

It seems nought but five minutes since the last football season ended and yet, here we are, and a new one is already underway. Albeit, it's only the Championship, the real start of the season occurs in two weeks time when the Premier League kicks-off. Anyway, for the four people in the world that are interested, Queens Park Strangers, Reading and Wigan Not Very Athletic (and their odious, risible chairman) all won on the opening day of the new Championship season following their relegation from the Premier League last term. Promoted Bournemouth and Yeovil Town also picked up three points, but Doncaster Rovers were beaten at home by Blackpool. Dirty Leeds secured a dramatic win over Brighton & Hove Albinos, Nottingham Forest edged out Huddersfield Town and there was a derby stalemate at Turf Moor. Watford picked up a narrow win at Birmingham City and Leicester City overturned a half-time deficit to claim the points at the Smoggies of Middlesbrough. Nedum Onuoha and Andrew Johnson scored just before half-time as promotion favourites Queen's Park Strangers came from behind to beat Sheffield Wednesday 2-1 at Loftus Road. Reading also recovered from conceding an early goal to win 2-1 at home against Ipswich Town, with Danny Guthrie's seventy fifth minute effort proving the difference. New signings Grant Holt and Leon Barnett were among the scorers as Wigan romped to a 4-0 win at Barnsley, who saw Dale Jennings sent off on his debut. Ed Upson scored with two minutes left to hand Yeovil a memorable 1-0 win at Millwall in the club's first ever match in the Championship. Bournemouth marked their return to the second tier with victory as Lewis Grabban scored a goal in each half in a 2-1 home triumph over Charlton Not Very Athletic. But Doncaster failed to emulate their fellow promoted clubs as Tom Ince's last-minute goal wrapped up a 3-1 win for Blackpool at the Keepmoat Stadium. New signing Luke Murphy quickly endeared himself to the Elland Road faithful as he scored a ninety fourth minute winner as Dirty Leeds beat Brighton 2-1. Troy Deeney is among the favourites to be the division's top scorer and his eleventh minute goal earned Watford a 1-0 win at Lee Clark's Birmingham. Forest were also 1-0 winners as Billy Davies' likely promotion contenders beat Huddersfield thanks to Henri Lansbury's fifty third minute goal. Burnley and Notlob Wanderers got the Championship season up and running at lunchtime and Darren Pratley's equaliser secured the visitors a 1-1 draw in the local derby at Turf Moor. Goals from Danny Drinkwater and Jamie Vardy in the space of seven second-half minutes gave Leicester a 2-1 success on Teeside.

Yer actual Papiss Demba Cissé says that he wants to 'focus one hundred per cent on football' after agreeing to wear the Wonga logo on his Newcastle United shirt following discussions with Islamic teachers. The striker, a Muslim, fell out with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies owner, Mike Ashley, because he was not prepared to promote the money-lending company. The two parties eventually resolved their differences, but Cissé admitted it had been 'a very difficult time.' He told the club's official website: 'I feel great and ready to go.' The Senegalese forward is now set to play in a pre-season game at Scottish side St Mirren on Tuesday. Cissé is one of a number of Muslims at Newcastle but he was the only player to object to the club's choice of shirt sponsor on religious grounds. The contract with high-interest pay-day lender Wonga is thought to be worth around eight million smackers a year to the club. And Ashley is, after all, a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. 'I have had some useful discussions with my club, my family and Islamic teachers in the last few weeks,' Cissé said. 'After a huge amount of thought and reflection, I have made the decision to follow my team-mates and wear the kit. Although I did not go to Portugal on the training camp, I was back here working hard on my fitness and preparing for the start of the new season. Since then, it has been great to be training with my team-mates again.' Cissé joined the Magpies from German side SC Freiburg in January 2012 and has scored twenty six times in just over sixty games all competitions.

Meanwhile, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle have agreed a fee to sign twenty seven-year-old France striker Bafetimbi Gomis from Lyon. The Ligue 1 club accepted an offer in the region of eight million smackers, but Newcastle must still agree personal terms with the player. Gomis, who is close friends with Magpies midfielder Moussa Sissoko, scored twenty goals in forty four games for Lyon last season. Newcastle are also working on a deal for QPR's Loic Remy, another France international (to go with the several they already have) on a season-long loan. Gomis, who has scored three goals in twelve appearances for France, becomes Newcastle's first major transfer business of the summer following Joe Kinnear's arrival as director of football. Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has been in the market for a new striker having sold Demba Ba to Chelsea for seven million knicker in January. He will become the eleventh Frenchman in Newcastle's first-team squad. Gomis came through the youth ranks at lower league outfit Sporting Toulon Var before moving to St Etienne in 2000 aged fifteen. The striker made his senior debut for St Etienne in 2004, and went on to make one hundred and forty two league appearances for the club, scoring forty goals. He scored twice on his international debut for France in a friendly against Ecuador in May 2008, which earned him a place in Les Bleus' squad for Euro 2008. In July 2009 Gomis made a thirteen million quid switch from St Etienne to Lyon where he has spent the last four seasons.

Mark Lawrenson's appearances on Match Of The Day are to be cut next season as the BBC seeks to 'freshen up' its flagship football show. What a shame. Anyway ... The former Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws defender's name was omitted completely when the corporation announced its list of pundits for 2013-14 on Thursday, prompting suggestions that he had been sacked. However, a BBC spokesperson later confirmed that the fifty six-year-old remained on the Match Of The Day presenting team but with 'a reduced role' for the new campaign. He will continue to be a regular presence on Match Of The Day 2 and Radio 5Live. Match Of The Day's punditry team has attracted increased criticism in recent years, with the emergence of Gary Neville on Sky intensifying scrutiny on the quality of their analysis. But while Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer have kept their jobs (in yer man Wor Shearer's case, probably because he threatened to elbow someone in the mush if he got the tin-tack) as lead pundits on the programme, Lawrenson, who also held that status, is the main casualty of the revamp. From next season he will join a roster of pundits who will appear alongside Hansen and Shearer, a pool that includes the former Moscow Chelski FC manager Gianluca Vialli, his former Moscow Chelski team-mate Gus Poyet, odious little greedy shit and malingerer Michael Owen, Robbie Fowler, Sir Les Ferdinand and crazed Robbie Savage. The BBC is introducing changes across its media platforms for next season and also announced that full-of-his-own-importance mouth on legs Ian Wright will co-host Six-O-Six, 5Live's football phone-in show, alongside the former Sky, ESPN and ITV presenter Kelly Cates. Wright and Cates, the daughter of the former (sacked) Liverpool manager Miserable, Scowling Kenny Dalglish, replace Alan Green, who departed Six-O-Six towards the end of last season, to rejoicing throughout the land. Wright has hosted a football phone-in on Absolute Radio for three years (not forgetting, as if we ever could, his - truly hilarious - stint as a host on Live From Studio Five) and will be joined on 5Live by Wor Chris Waddle, who has been confirmed as a regular pundit on the radio station along with Kevin Kilbane and John Hartson. On Match Of The Day 2, Mark Chapman has replaced the dreadful Colin Murray as presenter and will also host the new MOTD2 Extra. Dan Walker is to present 5Live's preview show on a Friday night as well as Football Focus while Jason Mohammad will front a revised Final Score on Saturdays. The corporation is extending its coverage of women's football next season having invested significantly in the recent Women's European Championship in Sweden. Despite England's disgracefully poor group stage exit, their three matches attracted an audience of over one million punters per game and the BBC will broadcast England's World Cup qualifiers live and commentate from selected midweek Women's Super League fixtures.

German prosecutors have charged former international footballer Uli Hoeneß, president of European champions Bayern München, with tax evasion after a lengthy inquiry. Lawyers for Hoeneß have one month to respond to the charges before a court in München decides whether the case should go to trial. The former German international and World Cup winner reported himself to the authorities earlier this year over an undeclared Swiss bank account. Bayern München beat Borussia Dortmund to win last season's Champions League. News of the secret bank account caused a stir in Germany with even Chancellor Angela Merkel's spokesman saying she was 'disappointed' in the former West Germany international. Neither he nor officials at the club have disclosed how much money is involved, but German media sources suggest he deposited millions of Euros in a Zurich-based account over ten years. Ooo, naughty. Hoeneß is said to have failed to pay capital gains tax. Ken Heidenreich, a spokesman for München prosecutors, declined to give details of the indictment on Tuesday, citing tax secrecy laws. 'We have filed the charges to the München state court,' he said. 'The defence now has one month to pronounce itself.' In May, Bayern's supervisory board backed Hoeneß to remain in the job despite the investigation against him.

The former Newcastle goalkeeper Steve Harper is 'honoured' an AC Milan legends team will face a Magpies all-star side in his testimonial game. Alan Shearer, Franco Baresi and Paolo Maldini are among the players confirmed for the match on 11 September. Proceeds from the game will benefit The Great North Children's Hospital, the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation and the Newcastle United Foundation. 'I'm honoured such a great team is coming,' Harper told BBC Newcastle. 'We're going to be privileged to see some of the greatest players to ever play the game. If you picked an all-time world XI then Franco Baresi and Paolo Maldini would certainly be in a lot of people's teams. To have that iconic AC Milan team that I grew up watching on a Sunday is fantastic.' The three most high-profile members of Milan's Glorie legends team are the defensive trio of Maldini, Baresi and Alessandro Costacurta. Under Fabio Capello they were part of the side that won the 1994 European Cup, although the latter two were suspended for the final. However they continued to star for the Rossoneri for the next decade, Baresi winning three Champions League titles, while Maldini and Costacurta both lifted five each. 'I was very happy to hear of the possibility of AC Milan Glorie travelling and playing against a Newcastle United legends team at such a famous stadium,' Baresi said. 'I know the passion of Newcastle fans and I know of the club's history and the love of football in the city, so I congratulate Steve and wish the fans and Newcastle United a magnificent occasion.' Unlikely, but just about possible. Harps, who joined Hull City following the end of his twenty-year spell at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle this summer, made one hundred and ninety nine appearances for the club following his move from Seaham Red Star.

The world's oldest football clubs will go head-to-head in Derbyshire to celebrate the first derby match ever to be played. Sheffield FC and Hallam FC first clashed on 26 December 1860 with the match played under new rules drawn up by the founders of Sheffield FC. The so-called 'Sheffield Rules' became the basis of the modern game, introducing elements such as throw-ins and corner kicks. Organisers said that the event was to 'celebrate the heritage of football.' Chairman of Sheffield FC Richard Tims said: 'Sheffield FC were founded in 1857 and we played amongst ourselves for three years, married gentleman against unmarried gentleman et cetera. 'Three years later we pursued another cricket club to form a football club which was Hallam FC and we played them in a challenge match and the oldest derby has been continuing ever since.' Tims said that fans from all over the world were attending the match at Sheffield FC's home ground in Dronfield on Saturday. 'In fact we've got fifty four Nuremberg fans coming, some guys from Munich, some guys from Genoa. People who love Sheffield FC because we are the great-great grandfathers,' he added. Hallam FC was founded in 1860 and still play at their original ground at Sandygate Road. The site is the Guinness World Record holder for being the oldest football ground in the world.

Exeter City will play Fluminense next July to mark the centenary of the club facing Brazil in what was the five-times World Cup winners' first-ever representative match. The game will be staged on 20 July at Estadio das Laranjeiras in Rio, where the original game took place. That is only one week after the 2014 World Cup concludes just four miles away at the Maracana Stadium. 'We're happy to make the announcement. It hasn't been easy,' Exeter City vice-chairman Julian Tagg told BBC News. 'To get to this point has taken three years of planning. We've always been desperate to get a game on to commemorate the match one hundred years ago.'

The two sides will wear replica kits from the game a century earlier, which finished in a two-nil win for Brazil, and kick-off with the original ball. Exeter travelled to South America in 1914 for a series of games after being chosen by the Football Association as a 'representative' English team. The Grecians played three matches in Brazil, winning their first two games, against an English expatriate side and a Rio team, but the final game was against a team made up of the country's best players resulted in defeat. Fluminense, who have undertaken to finance City's trip to Brazil, will try to include 'guest' players from other clubs in Brazil to try to replicate the original fixture. It is not yet known when tickets for the fixture will go on sale, but Exeter are currently looking at potential travel packages for some of their fans. 'We're confident there will be more than enough tickets available for Exeter fans but that's a bit of an unknown conundrum because, at this stage, nobody quite knows what the demand is like to be,' said Tagg. As to the outcome of next year's match, he added: 'We don't really mind what the score is - as long as we win.'