Keith Telly Topping fully realises that it is
really unbecoming to laugh, in a thigh-slapping style(e), at the misfortune of others, ear blog reader, and this blogger tries to do so as little as is humanly possible. Unless, of course, the recipient obviously deserves it. But, the following example of
schadenfreude is just
so funny. That odious, full-of-his-own-importance
clown Sam Allardyce has had been
very sacked as England manager - 'by mutual agreement' with the Football Association (ie. they very sacked him and he
agreed to be very sacked) - after just one match and sixty seven days in charge.
It follows a newspaper investigation claiming that Allardyce had offered advice on how to 'get around' rules on player transfers. Allardyce is also alleged to have used his role as England manager to negotiate a deal worth
four hundred grand to represent an - as it turned out, entirely fictitious - Far Eastern company. An FA statement said that Allardyce's conduct was 'inappropriate' and that Gareth Southgate would take temporary charge of the England team. '[Allardyce] accepts that he made a significant error of judgement and has apologised,' the FA said. 'This is not a decision that was taken lightly but the FA's priority is to protect the wider interests of the game and maintain the highest standards of conduct in football. The manager of the England men's senior team is a position which must demonstrate strong leadership and show respect for the integrity of the game at all times.' For football fans, who still ultimately - and, much to the disappointment of the various wide-boys, absentee landlords and dodgy crooks that run our clubs -
fund the game, thoughts will perhaps turn to the wider culture of money-chasing greed and rule-avoidance, and how the role of the England manager has become entangled in those pursuits. Allardyce succeeded Roy Hodgson in July following England's disastrous performance at Euro 2016 in France and, thus, becomes the national side's shortest-serving full-time manager. Although, ironically, in terms of statistics, his record as England manager of having
a one hundred per cent record of wins is unlikely ever to be beaten.
The
Daily Torygraph claimed that Allardyce had a meeting with undercover reporters posing as businessmen before he took charge of his first England training session. During the meeting, which was recorded on a hidden camera, it is alleged that Allardyce said it was 'not a problem' to bypass rules on third-party player ownership and claimed that he 'knew of' agents who were 'doing it all the time.' Which is
illegal, incidentally. Allardyce, who had meetings in Mayfair and Manchester with the undercover reporters posing as representatives of a fictitious Far East firm that wanted to buy players, had been caught up in an
exposé discussing a proposed four hundred thousand knicker arrangement which would have seen him fly to Singapore and Hong Kong to 'address investors' in the non-existent company. He insisted that he would have to 'clear' such an arrangement with his employers, the FA, but was also heard in conversation discussing about how third-party ownership of players can be circumnavigated, in contravention of existing FA and FIFA rules and also making various unflattering comments about his predecessor Roy Hodgson - including mocking Hodgson's speech impediment - and the former England coach Gary Neville, as well as the FA's decision to 'stupidly' rebuild Wembley at a cost of eight hundred and seventy million smackers. Allardyce also complained that the FA's president, Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, did not attend meetings and he made some unflattering remarks about Prince Harry. Neither of which are sacking offences but, they
are quite funny. Allardyce - described by
the Gruniad's Daniel Taylor as 'a clot', 'a greedy old fool' and 'one of the most arrogant men in the business' - met FA chairman Greg Clarke and chief executive Martin Glenn on Tuesday to offer what he called 'a sincere and wholehearted apology for my actions.' He left out '
grovelling', please note.
He explained that it had been 'a great honour' to be appointed England manager in July and that he was 'deeply disappointed at this outcome. Although it was made clear during the recorded conversations that any proposed arrangements would need the FA's full approval, I recognise I made some comments which have caused embarrassment,' he added. 'As part of the meeting, I was asked to clarify what I said and the context in which the conversations took place. I have co-operated fully in this regard. I also regret my comments with regard to other individuals.' But, the thing that he
most regrets, one imagines, is that he
got caught. The FA asked to see the
Torygraph's evidence on Monday evening, as well as holding a conference call with Allardyce, who left his home in Bolton at 7am on Tuesday in his Mercedes to meet his employers at Wembley and take his caning. It must have been a long and uncomfortable drive back to Bolton for Allardyce - a drive he will never take as England manager again - after utterly failing to convince Clarke and Glenn that he should keep his job. Interestingly, Allardyce's public contriteness seemingly didn't last very long as, within hours, he was whinging that his sacking was due to 'entrapment' and that, in this case,
entrapment had won. This, seemingly, was a view shared by one Gary Parkinson of
FourFourTwo magazine who claimed that Allardyce was
'assassinated by England's attitude to class and cash'. Whereas, most people in the game seem to think that, on the contrary, Allardyce was 'assassinated' by getting his own
greed right on. That's certainly the
Daily Mirra's view on the matter, among
many others.
In an interview on the FA website, Glenn said that Allardyce - described by the
Daily Scum Mail's Martin Samuel as 'a piteous figure undone by
greed' - was 'distraught' but that 'discussing a range of issues from potential contraventions of FA rules through to personal comments frankly just don't work when you're the manager of England.' However, Glenn added that it was 'a really painful decision' as the FA believed Allardyce was 'a great fit for England manager and we think could have been extremely successful.' But, now we'll never know.
The former Blackpool, Notts County, Notlob Wanderers, Newcastle United (where he was
hated by the majority of supporters), Blackburn Vindaloos (ditto), West Hamsters United (
ditto) and Blunderland manager Allardyce won his only game in charge of the national team last month. An injury-time goal from Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' Adam Lallana gave England a one-nil win over Slovakia in the first of their 2018 World Cup qualifiers. Allardyce had been due to announce his squad for the next round of qualifiers on Sunday but now Southgate will be in charge for four matches against Malta at Wembley (on 8 October), Slovenia away (11 October), Scotland at home (11 November) and Spain in a friendly (15 November) as the FA searches for a successor. Southgate ruled himself out of the running for the job prior to Allardyce's appointment but the current bookmakers' favourite may become a contender, possibly due to lack of many other viable candidates, depending on results in his caretaker spell. Allardyce - despite his own staggering hubris concerning his abilities - has always been something of an acquired taste to many within the game, both for his a 'I call a spade a bloody shovel' personality, his frequent need to make his mouth go in public -
often over issues which are nothing whatsoever to do with him - and as a manager whose tactics have often been ridiculed by his detractors as basic and over-physical. He was successful up to a point at Notlob, getting a hard-working if somewhat unattractive side to respectable 'top ten in the Premier League three years running' type status (albeit, after he left, Notlob's chairman Phil Gartside infamously
stated that Allardyce's replacement, Sammy Lee, would be a better manager and the team would play better football than they ever had under Allardyce).
But Allardyce was never taken to by the majority of fans of Newcastle, or Blackburn, or West Ham - for a variety of reasons - and his reputation at Blunderland rested purely on keeping the Mackems in the Premier League during his one season in charge at the Stadium Of Plight. The label of being a 'kick and rush' manager always irked Allardyce who once claimed, as befitted someone with a
towering sense of his own importance, that if his name was 'Allardici' he would be 'more revered' - and his England vision, outlined during his interview at FA board member David Gill's house in July, was believed to have been 'perceptive and modern.' So it will have been with a heavy heart that the FA's hierarchy listened to Allardyce's pathetic bleatings at Wembley on Tuesday afternoon before sacking the huge ass of a manager they thought would lift the post-Euro 2016 gloom. If the FA felt there was
any justification for keeping Allardyce, it would surely have given him the benefit of the doubt. Allardyce never made a secret of his self-considered 'suitability' to be England manager - so he will be
heartbroken that the dream he harboured throughout his career is over in a mere sixty seven days. Sadly for Allardyce, the lack of judgement and loose-tongued approach which saw him caught in the
Daily Torygraph sting meant that events at Wembley on Tuesday were
always heading towards an inevitable conclusion.
As Allardyce was making his way to Wembley for his humiliating showdown with his employers which had echoes of so many other farcical FA episodes down the years, he may have been reflecting that one of the reasons he was targeted for the sting by the
Torygraph was his apparent proximity to earlier allegations of potential
greed. Rightly or wrongly, it could also be one of the reasons why the FA may have been nervous about the prospect of Allardyce's past being dragged back into the public spotlight on the back of these new allegations. A BBC
Panorama programme broadcast in September 2006 accused Allardyce - then at Notlob - and his agent son, Craig, of various 'irregularities.' That broadcast prompted an outraged Allardyce to vow to boycott the BBC for life and extremely sue the broadcaster, branding the allegations 'outrageous lies.' Following a period when Allardyce did not speak to the BBC, the threat to sue was never followed through. Allardyce later claimed in his autobiography that he was 'advised' it would 'cost too much money' and 'take too long.' One or two people even believed him. (There is a very good summation of the entire 2006 saga
here. Along with Allardyce, several others implicated by that
Panorama programme also threatened to sue. Kevin Bond, Harry Redknapp's former assistant at Portsmouth, took his case the furthest - but dropped his libel action against the BBC six days before the case was due to start meaning that, to date,
none of the claims made in the programme have
ever been
legally challenged.) In his book, Allardyce claimed: 'For the record, I've never taken a bung in my life.
I might have enjoyed a meal or a bottle of wine on an agent or two but that is it. I was earning one and a half million pounds a year, so I didn't need a little bit extra from an agent. It would have been madness.' Ironically, it now appears it was
exactly the fact that he was 'looking for a little bit extra' on top of his -
huge - England salary which cost him his 'dream job.' Some may have a modicum of sympathy for Allardyce, brought down by non-footballing matters; there may be those who feel his punishment is harsh and believe that his remarks on third-party ownership were part of a private conversation while his comments on the Duke of Cambridge and Prince Harry were crass but hardly the stuff on which such jobs as England manager should be lost. Which is probably true, but
that's not
why he got the tin-tack. Ultimately, the bigger argument goes to the heart of the lack of judgement and big-mouthed approach shown by the footballing figurehead of the FA. The FA's statement spoke of the need for 'strong leadership and respect' for the integrity of the game and it, clearly, felt his behaviour was 'unbecoming' of an England manager. In the final reckoning, the FA clearly felt that as guardians of the rules and the body which judges others, Allardyce's words, his naivety and poor judgement in discussing intimate FA and footballing matters with relative strangers, the notion he might even consider himself as a potential adviser to this albeit fictitious company, weighed too heavily against him. Allardyce may still face a Football Association inquiry into the comments he made, specifically on third-party ownership and offering advice to businessmen on how to 'get around' the governing body's rules on transfers according to the
Torygraph which promised more disclosures in the coming days, with much speculation surrounding their tease concerning 'at least eight English managers'
allegedly involved in rule breaches and, indeed, Thursday brought a second 'victory' for the
Torygraph when Barnsley sacked their assistant manager Tommy Wright over
corruption claims made by the newspaper. This could all get
very messy before it's over.
England are now 'the laughing stock of world football' following the departure of Allardyce according to BBC pundit Alan Shearer. 'I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm staggered at the misjudgement from a guy who said this was his dream job,' the former England skipper told BBC Radio 5Live. Before elbowing someone in the mush. Probably. Shearer, who scored thirty goals in sixty three games for England, said: 'It's incredible and a catastrophic misjudgement by Sam and his advisers. I'm angry at the whole situation. I didn't think England could stoop any lower from what happened in the summer at the Euros. Now here we are, a laughing stock of world football.' He said he believed the England job 'looks a poisoned chalice,' adding: 'It's a very, very difficult job, some would say the impossible job.' Graham Taylor certainly did. The former FA chief executive David Bernstein also told BBC Radio 5Live: 'The hubris of it all is
extraordinary. This is a man earning three million pounds a year. I wonder whether there's a pay-off or not. I hope not, because I don't think fifty or sixty days' work
merits a pay-off. There's no question he brought the FA and football into disrepute and that's not acceptable. I have very little sympathy.'
Meanwhile, check out
this list of things which lasted longer than Allardyce's England reign.
Sam Allardyce could be
very banned over the revelations that led to his sacking as England manager, Football Association chief executive Martin Glenn says. The FA is awaiting the newspaper's full transcripts of the meetings before deciding what action, if any, to take against Allardyce other than sacking his enormous ass. Glenn said punishments 'could range from a fine to a ban.' Asked if a charge was likely, he replied: 'It is realistic. It's not for me to call but once the evidence is clear, the decision will be based on the merits of the evidence. We've treated Sam as an employee. Sam's role as a participant in the game will then be, potentially, part of this next process, if there is one.' Glenn said that he felt 'let down' by Allardyce and letting him go was 'not an easy decision. I genuinely think, for football reasons, he was a really good choice,' he claimed. One or two people even believed him. 'My instinct was to say: "Let's look at it but let's see if we can find a way of making it work." But as the events unfolded and in the cold light of day, [we judged] that it was going to be a compromise to the FA.' The
Torygraph are releasing full transcripts of their investigation, which covers alleged corruption across English football, to the police. In the latest release, former Premier League manager Harry Redknapp has been reported as saying that some of his players bet on the result of one of their matches and he did nothing about it. Football Association rules forbid players from betting on games in which they are involved, with all managers expected to report
any misconduct. The newspaper has revealed several cases of alleged corruption in English football. When contacted by the
Torygraph, Redknapp claimed that he 'did not think it was against the FA rules at the time.' The paper does not suggest that Redknapp knew the players were betting at the time of the match nor reveal exactly which club it was or when it happened. Redknapp has managed West Hamsters United, Portsmouth, Southampton, Stottingtot Hotshots and Queens Park Strangers. Meanwhile, Pino Pagliara, who appears in the video with Redknapp alongside fellow agent Dax Price,
told the BBC on Friday that his previous claims that eight current and ex-Premier League managers took bribes was 'a lie.' On Thursday, Southampton's assistant manager, Eric Black, was alleged to have given advice on how to bribe officials at other clubs, with the Premier League club requesting a full transcript of the meeting from the
Torygraph. Black denies the claims. Barnsley's assistant manager Tommy Wright was sacked by the club on Thursday over claims that he took cash for trying to 'engineer' certain transfers, allegations which he has 'categorically denied.' And, in what appears to be the weakest of the
Torygraph's claims, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, manager of Queens Park Strangers, has denied 'any accusations of wrongdoing' after being filmed apparently negotiating a fee to travel to Singapore to speak to the Far East firm. The club's internal investigation into the conduct of Hasselbaink is currently on hold as they await all of the
Torygraph's evidence. A
Torygraph spokesperson said that it remained the newspaper's intention to release the information but that the police had asked to review it first. City of London Police later confirmed that 'discussions' had already taken place with the Football Association and the
Torygraph. Former Moscow Chelski FC striker Hasselbaink issued a statement on Thursday when first implicated by the newspaper and denied 'any accusations of wrongdoing on my part.' He added: 'I was approached by Mr McGarvey and Ms Newell of the
Telegraph purporting to be players' agents. They offered me a fee to make a speech in Singapore. I do not see anything unusual in being offered to be paid to make a speech. I did not make any promises in return. I did not ask QPR to purchase any of the players who were said to be managed by Mr McGarvey and Ms Newell and did not and would not recommend the purchase of a player for my personal gain.'
Timing is everything, we all know that. So, it was absolutely hilarious to watch the Football Association and Sam Allardyce suffer further embarrassment on Thursday when all of the England players in Allardyce's squad received postcards from their now ex-manager under the headline
The journey has begun. And, ended. The message to the players who defeated Slovakia in their opening World Cup qualifier read: 'Well done! Our journey has begun with our first win together. Looking forward to seeing you soon. Sam Allardyce.' The cards were reportedly sent out on Tuesday, the very day that Allardyce
extremely lost his job. The FA had already thrown out four thousand T-shirts (triple X large, one imagines) which the ruling body was planning to give away to fans at Saturday's World Cup qualifier against Malta because they had a 'similar' Allardyce quote on the front. Allardyce, meanwhile, has gone on holiday to 'reflect' on his misfortune. Whether or not he sends any more postcards to players remains to be seen.
Christian Atsu's first-half goal saw yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle win at bottom-of-the-table Rotherham to keep the pressure on Championship leaders Huddersfield. The Magpies' Yoan Gouffran had several early chances, while Joe Newell and Jon Taylor went close at the other end. But Atsu scored the decisive goal just before half-time, firing into the top corner from the edge of the box ith a moment of Premier League quality. Dwight Gayle and Jonjo Shelvey had chances to make it two-nil whilst Dominic Ball hit the woodwork for the hosts late on. Gouffran was unlucky not to put The Magpies ahead when his volley was blocked on the line by the chest of Ball and Taylor had a decent chance for The Millers when his shot clipped the crossbar. The Toon took the lead four minutes before the break as Atsu cut inside from the right to unleash an unstoppable strike. After Gayle failed to get a strong enough connection on a Shelvey free-kick, Atsu saw his next shot pushed away by Rotherham keeper Lee Camp. Mohamed Diame, Shelvey and Ciaran Clark all had decent chances before Ball was unfortunate not to equalise, and Will Vaulks had a header cleared off the line.
Three people have been very arrested after rival fans clashed outside West Hamsters United's new Stadium. Sick violence flared after the Hamsters' one-one Premier League draw with Middlesbrough Smog Monsters on Saturday afternoon. Two men were extremely arrested on suspicion of affray and a third on suspicion of assaulting a police officer, Scotland Yard said. Officers were also deployed inside the stadium during the match to deal with 'a separate disturbance,' the Met added. However, it was 'quickly dealt with,' the force claimed, and no arrests were made. Police 'escorted' Middlesbrough fans away from the stadium while officers 'contained' some Hamsters supporters. With truncheons. Probably. There have been several crowd disturbances since The Hamsters moved to the former Olympic Stadium from Upton Park with kids getting sparked an aalsorts. At the first Premier League match at the venue - against Bournemouth on 21 August - some fans arrived with tickets for seats that did not exist, while fighting broke out between rival supporters outside the stadium. West Hamsters said that ten fans were ejected from the stadium during the four-two defeat to Watford last month. The Met said more than forty thousand people had attended Saturday's match against Middlesbrough, and 'the vast majority' had been 'good natured.' At
West Ham? That's got to be a first, surely?
The
Daily Mirra has
claimed that Nigel Pearson's relationship with Derby County owner Mel Morris 'hit rock bottom' when the multi-millionaire 'began using drones to spy on training sessions.' Pearson is set to be extremely sacked as the Rams’ manager after 'a huge row' with Morris reportedly took place following a run of just one win in eleven games for The Rams after Pearson took over at Pride Park in the summer. The paper states 'it is believed that the former Leicester boss became disillusioned with life at the club when Morris started using drones to keep tabs on his training methods.' The Candy Crush tycoon, who is reportedly 'worth five hundred million knicker' employed the technology 'so that he could watch Pearson putting his first-team squad through their paces from anywhere in the world,' the
Mirra claims. Asked about the so-called 'spying missions,' Micky Walsh, Pearson's agent, said: 'Nigel's suspension is in the hands of his lawyers and we're also speaking to the LMA.' Derby County officials declined to comment.
Future World Cup finals will feature sixteen groups of three countries in a forty eight-team tournament, if FIFA president Gianni Infantino gets his way. Infantino, who became head of FIFA in February, previously spoke of expanding the World Cup from thirty two teams to forty. Under his favoured sixteen-group structure the top two teams would progress to the last thirty two and on-going knockout matches. A decision will be made in January but any change would not be likely to take effect before the 2026 World Cup. FIFA's council will discuss the proposal at a meeting on 9 January but Infantino made 'expansion' part of his election manifesto because he wants to allow more countries the chance to compete at football's flagship event. If world football's governing body does not adopt the sixteen-group format, other options that will be considered include another version of the forty eight-team event which would see a thirty two team one-game knockout round with the winners joining sixteen teams who have qualified by right; keeping the tournament at its present size of thirty two teams; expanding it to forty teams (ten groups of four or eight groups of five). The number of teams competing at a World Cup last increased in 1998 when the tournament expanded from twenty four to thirty two countries. UEFA's Euro 2016 tournament featured twenty four nations for the first time, an increase from the sixteen-team format in place since 1996.
Russia's right to host the 2018 World Cup amid revelations about a state-sponsored doping programme has been questioned albeit only by rent-a-quote gobshite MP Damian Collins rather than anyone that actually matters. A World Anti-Doping Agency report detailed an 'institutional conspiracy' involving more than one thousand Olympic and Paralympic athletes. Football was one of thirty sports implicated by the McLaren report. 'FIFA now have to look very seriously at the way in which the World Cup is going to be staged,' whinged Collins. But, they're not going to so save yer breath, mate. Russia's sports ministry denied claims of a state-sponsored doping programme - well, they would, wouldn't they? - but Richard McLaren, author of the WADA report, said that international sports competitions had been 'unknowingly hijacked by the Russians' for years. The Canadian described the London 2012 Olympic Games as 'corrupted on an unprecedented scale.' Collins, chairman of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee, added: 'It does taint the London Games. What is shocking from the report is this was state sanctioned. It's not just widespread abuse by Russian coaches and athletes, it is something that has been planned and executed with the authority and support of the Russian government.' Russian Deputy Prime Minister Vitaly Mutko was sports minister during the time detailed by the McLaren report and is seeking re-election to the ruling committee of FIFA. Mutko, who chairs the 2018 World Cup organising committee, has said THAT Russia will 'resort to legal action' in response to the allegations of institutionalised doping. 
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle returned to the top of the Championship table as Dwight Gayle's hat-trick inspired a comfortable four-nil home win over against Birmingham City. Gayle headed in unmarked from a Mo Diame cross, and then finished a low cross for his second in the first-half. Yoan Gouffran thumped in Newcastle's third following a set-piece early in the second-half. Gayle's sixteenth goal of the season from Jonjo Shelvey's pass capped the win against The Blues, who drop out of the top six. After three games without a win - including last week's controversial loss at Nottingham Forest - Newcastle fans might have feared an end-of-year wobble, but any such concerns evaporated early as Rafael Benitez's Magpies imposed their dominance. Jonjo Shelvey and Paul Dummett started the game after they had the disgraceful red cards they both received at Nottingham Forest eight days earlier overturned by the FA. Newcastle's players were reportedly keen to impress after feeling understandably frustrated that they had lost the City Ground having been forced to play much of the game with nine men. In the event, Newcastle did just that. Gary Rowett's side had climbed to fifth in the table, but failed to cope with the free-scoring hosts as their miserable run on Tyneside - four straight losses at St James' Park - was extended. Shelvey and Matt Ritchie had the quality deliveries to feed the lively Gayle, and Blues goalkeeper Tomasz Kuszczak had plenty of work to do before his goal was eventually breached. The visitors were lacklustre going forwards, meaning a comfortable return to the summit for The Magpies who climbed one point above Brighton, winners against Leeds on Friday evening. They also remain six points ahead of third-place Reading who beat Sheffield Wednesday two-one.
