The Not-Very-Special One

The Scum have extremely sacked manager Jose Mourinho after 'identifying a catalogue of his failings at the club.' The Portuguese took over in May 2016 and led The Scum to League Cup and Europa League titles, but they are currently nineteen points behind league leaders Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws. The club made a change after 'no progress with results or style' despite spending nearly four hundred million knicker on eleven players. They also say that their new manager, announced the following day to be former Scummer Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, will 'understand the philosophy of the club,' including their 'attacking traditions.' Solskjaer, the current manager of Norwegian club Molde, has been appointed as caretaker manager until the end of the season whilst the search for a permanent replacement for The Special One is undertaken. It is reported that The Scum's players and staff were 'not happy' after a disappointing and unsettling period during which young players were not developed. The Scum are sixth in the Premier League, but closer to the relegation zone than to the leaders, who beat them three-one on Sunday. The decision to sack Mourinho, which will cost more than eighteen million knicker, has been taken 'in the long-term interests of United' with a regard that the club is 'bigger than any one individual,' the club said. Mourinho is reported to have wanted his own structure, but The Scum's next permanent manager will be appointed with a head of football above him reporting to executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward. A statement from The Scum said: 'A caretaker-manager will be appointed until the end of the season while the club conducts a thorough recruitment process for a new, full-time manager. The club would like to thank Jose for his work during his time at Manchester United and to wish him success in the future.' One or two people even believed them. The Scum's haul of twenty six points after their first seventeen Premier League games is their worst tally at this stage of a season since 1990-91. They are eleven points away from the top four, which would earn a Champions League qualification place. Mourinho's sacking comes after a fall-out with eighty nine million quid record signing Paul Pogba, who was an unused substitute for the defeat at Anfield on Sunday. Following a draw with Wolves, Pogba said that he wanted The Scum to be able to 'attack, attack, attack' at home, which led Mourinho to say that the France midfielder would no longer be the club's 'second captain.' After Mourinho, who replaced Louis van Gaal in May 2016 and signed a contract extension in January, was sacked, Pogba tweeted 'caption this' with a knowing expression on his face, before immediately deleting the post. Mourinho's third season did not begin well after missing out on key transfer targets in the summer and two defeats in the first three league games - to Stottingtot Hotshot at home and Brighton & Hove Albinos away - meant that his side were playing catch-up with the leading teams. By October, there were reports Mourinho might get the tin-tack prior to the home game against yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies, but after The Scum trailed two-nil with twenty five minutes to go, they turned it around to win three-two and, seemingly, buy the former Moscow ChelskiFC, Inter Milan and Real Madrid boss more time. Mourinho's agent Jorge Mendes attempted to calm matters earlier this month by issuing a statement to say his client was 'very happy' and 'fully committed' to the club. The Scum, seemingly, did not agree. Despite reaching the Champions League last sixteen, where The Scum will play Paris St-Germain, they have won just one of their past six games in the Premier League. Mourinho's dismissal continues his run of never completing four consecutive seasons in charge of a club. Only once has he made it into a fourth campaign, but he left Moscow Chelski FC in September 2007 during his first spell at Torpedo Stamford Bridge.

Police are investigating an incident that saw Stottingtot Hoshots' Debbie Alli struck on the head by a plastic bottle during their two-nil win at The Arse on Wednesday. The bottle was thrown from the crowd at Emirates Stadium during the Carabao Cup quarter-final. The police have narrowed the list of suspects down to 'everyone that's ever met him.' England midfielder Alli was hit near the touchline as The Arse prepared to take a throw-in in the seventy third minute. The Metropolitan Police says that it is 'working' with The Arse to try to identify the individual responsible. The Arse told BBC Sport that they are examining CCTV to find the person who threw the bottle, but police say no arrests have been made at this time. The Football Association is 'aware of the incident' - so, presumably, someone at the FA was watching the game on telly and saw it happen - and will 'support' the police and clubs as they look into the matter, which might well be the most utterly pointless statement in the history of utterly pointless statements. Although, what would have happened if they said that they weren't 'supporting' the police and clubs is unknown. 'In a different country, maybe they close the stadium for a few games,' said Spurs manager Mauricio Pochettino. 'It's lucky it wasn't a big problem but I think people need to be careful and we need to try and avoid this type of action. Some people behave very bad.' Alli had earlier scored the second goal and Spurs went on to reach the semi-finals. Wednesday's incident follows a banana skin being thrown towards The Arse striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang in the Premier League match between the sides at the same venue on 2 December. The Spurs fan responsible was fined and banned from football for four years on Tuesday. When asked about the incident after the game, Alli told Sky Sports: 'It is what it is. It made the goal a bit sweeter and the win.'

The Arse's manager Unai Emery has claimed that the BBC's period gangster drama Peaky Blinders is helping him perfect his English. The Spaniard says he watches the drama series, set in Birmingham between, 'to relax.' But, the West Midlands accents have 'proven tricky' for the former Paris St-Germain boss. '[Peaky Blinders] is good but it is difficult [to understand] from Birmingham. And it's very aggressive. But it's good,' the leader of the Peaky Gooners said. Emery who replaced Arsene Wenger at The Emirates in the summer, has also taken language courses to improve his English. And, when he is not watching TV dramas as a learning aid, he is watching his other passion, football. The forty seven-year-old, who speaks in - actually, pretty reasonable - English at his news conferences, said: 'In each profession, you need to feel passion for that in order to give it your best performance. Football is my passion. It's my work, but I don't think every day that it is my work, it's my best hobby. I feel very big the passion. I am doing my work with my desire.'

Blunderland's Stadium of Plight will host the biggest third-tier crowd for thirty nine years for their Boxing Day game against Bradford City. Ticket sales have surpassed the League One record of thirty eight thousand two hundred and fifty six for Dirty Leeds's game against Gillingham in May 2008. The crowd will be the highest at this level since the 1979 Sheffield derby, which attracted forty nine thousand three hundred and nine punters. It will also be Blunderland's biggest since the club were extremely relegated from the Premier League in 2017. 'What a phenomenal achievement by our supporters and what a statement to the football world that Sunderland is on its way back,' executive director Charlie Methven claimed. The Wearsiders will also officially rename the South stand 'The Roker End' at the game. They are currently third in the table and bidding to return to the Championship at the first attempt. English football's third tier was rebranded as League One in 2004, having been Division Two from 1992 and Division Three before that.

League Two side Cambridge United have shown their Christmas spirit by mowing a Christmas tree into their pitch. The special design at Abbey Stadium for The U's game against Yeovil Town on Saturday was created by groundsman Ian Darler and features stars and baubles. 'Our Groundsman does Christmas better than yours,' the club tweeted, along with a picture of the pitch. The club tweeted: 'Gary Deegan is very much aiming for the tree points today.' Leicester City were famous for their inventive mowing patterns but they were banned by the Premier League at the start of the 2017-18 season. Top-flight rules state the playing surface must contain no markings other than the traditional horizontal and white lines.

Dulwich Hamlet somehow made six goal-line clearances to deny Wingate & Finchley in an epic goalmouth scramble during their FA Trophy first-round fixture on Saturday. Despite Dulwich Hamlet's heroics, Wingate & Finchley won the match two-nil.

A Crawley Town fan who threw an empty plastic bottle at an assistant referee has been banned for three home games. The bottle hit the official following the League Two defeat by Northampton on 8 December. The spectator responsible, who said they were 'frustrated and upset' on the day, came forward after an appeal was put out by the club. Crawley said they had been 'in discussions' with Sussex Police, but decided a three-game ban was 'sufficient.' The supporter has also agreed to make a donation to the English Football League's charity partner Mind. 'I would firstly like to apologise to the official the bottle struck and I hope it has not had any damaging effect on him and hope it doesn't in the future,' said the supporter, who has not been identified. 'I would also like to apologise to the club and to all individuals as this has caused extra work. I understand how proud the club are of their good reputation and the reputation it has of welcoming families to the stadium. I hope my actions haven't tarnished its good reputation.' Bit late for that, mate. The bad-tempered match saw Crawley striker Ollie Palmer shown a red card by referee Craig Hicks for a clash with The Cobblers' Aaron Pierre. One of Hicks' assistants was then struck by the bottle as they left the pitch at full-time. The Football Association has warned the Sussex club 'faces sanctions' if there is any further 'spectator misconduct.' 'It goes without saying that the club condone any actions which brings our good name into disrepute,' said operations director Kelly Derham. 'Football ignited passions but, regardless of how we view what happens on the field, I would appeal to all our supporters to uphold the good name of the club on matchdays by behaving responsibly.'

The Gaffer

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved though (still) unsellable Newcastle United boss Rafael Benitez has been named Premier League manager of the month for November. Newcastle were nineteenth in the table at the start of November, with no wins from their first ten games, before three straight victories moved them out of the relegation zone. The Magpies beat Watford and Bournemouth at St James' Park before an away win at Burnley, though they've lost the two games since then (albeit, one of them rather unluckily). It is the fifth time the Spaniard has won the award in the top flight, though his first since he joined United in 2016. 'It's always good to win trophies,' said Rafa The Gaffer. This blogger wouldn't know, mate, he's a Newcastle fan and I'm only fifty five. 'Obviously I would like to win more manager of the months, then we would be in a better position in the table. But it's always positive and it is good also for the staff. Everybody is helping you and it is an extra motivation.'

Meanwhile, Salomon Rondon struck the only goal as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies beat Huddersfield to move six points clear of the Premier League relegation places and inflict a fourth successive defeat on The Terriers. Somewhat against the run of play, Ayoze Perez and Javier Manquillo combined to set up Rondon on fifty five minutes and the Venezuelan made no mistake from close range. For Huddersfield, both Philip Billing and Chris Lowe spurned notable opportunities on a frustrating afternoon for the hosts. Despite lots of late pressure, Newcastle stood firm to record a fourth win of the season. Huddersfield, who remain eighteenth, sit three points adrift of safety and have now lost nine of their last thirteen league games.

In Netflix's latest documentary, a film crew followed the worst season in Sunderland AFC's history. Misery and footballing torture is relived through the series, documenting their Championship relegation season of 2017-18. Made by fans from production company Fulwell Seventy Three, Sunderland 'Til I Die is available worldwide from Friday 14 December. One imagines the take up on Tyneside might be almost as a large as that on Wearside.

Some fans are using the 'political atmosphere as a cover for their own racism and prejudice,' according to the anti-discrimination group Fare. It comes after Moscow Chelski FC condemned 'a vocal minority' of their fans for anti-Semitic chants during Thursday's two-two draw with MOL Vidi in Hungary. Earlier this week, four Moscow Chelski fans were suspended following the alleged sick racial abuse of Raheem Sterling. Fare executive director Piara Powar says such attitudes must be defeated. 'The sad fact is that in recent years Chelsea have done an incredible amount of work to tackle anti-Semitism, much of it highly innovative and impactful,' said Powar. 'But there remains throughout football a rump of people who in 2019 will see the political atmosphere as a cover for their own racism and prejudice.' A Moscow Chelski FC spokesman said the offensive songs about Stottingtot Hotshots fans have 'shamed the club.' Ben Holman, from educational anti-racism charity Show Racism the Red Card, says anti-Semitic abuse must be 'treated seriously in mainstream society' for it to be tackled accordingly in football. 'In some incidences the message has got to the fans it's not acceptable,' Holman told BBC Sport. 'The problem is some of the chants are more historic and in that way fans don't realise the problem with it. Until it's treated seriously in mainstream society as racism you will always see it shunted off in football as not so serious. Racism isn't a problem intrinsic to football. These fans are at a football match for two hours a week, but for the other one hundred and sixty six are members of society, taking the bus, going to work.' According to incidents recorded by charity the Community Security Trust, anti-Semitism has been on the rise in the UK. Meanwhile, a report by watchdog Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary earlier this year said that hate crime rose after the 2016 Brexit referendum and the same could happen when (or, now, if) the UK leaves the European Union in 2019. 'Our organisation has always believed sport and football are a microcosm of society,' added Holman. 'We think if society is racist, football is part of society and will always have racism, so we try to educate young people in society and hope football will follow.' Powar described the episode as 'a sad indictment' of 'where some people are in their understanding of racism and the impact it can have. They stare history in the face and think they are somehow exempt from the judgements it will make on their actions,' Powar added. 'We should give a lot of credit to those Chelsea fans who highlighted what was going on at the match on social media or directly to the authorities.' Last year, Moscow Chelski FC condemned an anti-Semitic chant by their fans during a win at Leicester, with Blues supporters using a song about their striker Alvaro Morata to abuse London rivals Spurs, who have a large Jewish fanbase. Spain international Morata also posted on social media asking fans to 'respect everyone.' Holman says that the Stamford Bridge club have been 'progressive and forward thinking' in their efforts to eradicate anti-Semitisim from their fanbase. In October, chairman Bruce Buck told the Sun the club 'may' require fans found guilty of anti-Semitic abuse to visit the site of Nazi concentration camp Auschwitz rather than banning them. The Premier League club's Say No To Anti-Semitism scheme, which began in January, also provides one-to-one education courses. A group of one hundred an fifty people, consisting of club staff, stewards and supporters, visited Auschwitz in June to learn about the deaths of more than a million people killed there between 1940 and 1945. 'Chelsea have really stepped up their efforts to eradicate anti-Semitism from Stamford Bridge and among their fans,' Holman told BBC Sport. 'Roman Abramovich has ploughed a lot of his personal money into tackling anti-Semitism. The club realise they could ban a fan and wash their hands with them, but that person will still hold those anti-Semitic views. If they can educate them then that person may benefit society.' Powar added: 'I have no doubt that in the end these types of attitudes will be defeated. That necessity for cultural change applies across the football industry, not just the terraces, from the governing institutions, to clubs and the media. We should look at what's been happening in the last two weeks to get more creative and bring about that culture change more urgently.' Brighton & Hove Albinos manager Chris Hughton, one of two black Premier League managers, said that clubs are 'on top of what they see,' but that eradicating anti-Semitic and racial abuse from football or society is 'about a culture and making sure people are respectful of all colours and creeds. Racial events in our game, which we are trying as hard as we can to eradicate, are always going to happen,' he added. 'You hope it's something that doesn't escalate. Sometimes when times are harder they become more relevant - but racism holds no place in our game. It holds no place in society but unfortunately there are always going to be incidences.' UEFA, European football's governing body, said it will await the referee's report of Thursday's Europa League match before deciding on whether any action will be taken. Incidents of anti-Semitic and racial abuse are a criminal offence punishable, rightly, with a lengthy spell in The Slammer. For those that take place in the English game, governing body the Football Association works with clubs and the police to identify individuals and make sure they face appropriate action through the courts, which can impose banning orders. Moscow Chelski FC fan and writer Ivor Baddiel told the Victoria Derbyshire programme that some fans think they are 'just being anti-Tottenham.' He added: 'They aren't, they are being hugely and horrendously anti-Semitic. When you sing "Spurs are on their way to Auschwitz", that is what you are really chanting about. Clearly there are people who think it's okay and maybe they don't understand why Jewish people are so offended by it. You would think that all but the most hardened fascists would think that was wrong.' Simon Johnson, chief executive of the Jewish Leadership Council, said the incident was 'thoroughly depressing, especially in light of the dedicated work Chelsea have done to address the problem.' He added: 'We completely endorse the club's strong statement and would support them in any robust action which they now take against the perpetrators.' Board of Deputies vice-president Amanda Bowman said the 'disgraceful behaviour must be challenged and the perpetrators identified and punished.' She said the organisation is 'fully behind Chelsea's 'Say No to Anti-Semitism' campaign' but added that 'football still has much work to do before racism on the terraces is eradicated.'

Having less than a third of this season's FA Cup third-round matches in the traditional 3pm kick-off slot 'diminishes the magic of the day,' a supporters' group has claimed. Only ten of the thirty two fixtures will start at that time on Saturday 5 January. The Football Association's new six-year, eight hundred and twenty million knicker overseas TV contract has 'contributed' to a number of changes. 'There's a grave danger that they might threaten the magic of the FA Cup,' the Football Supporters' Federation said. The overseas TV deal, which has come into force this season, was announced by the FA in October 2016. However, FSF chairman Malcolm Clarke said that his organisation had been 'taken by surprise' when the third-round fixture list was revealed. There will be one match on the evening of Friday 4 January, seven will kick-off at 12:30 and five at 17:30 on the Saturday. Eight matches will be played on the Sunday, whilst Wolverhampton Wanderings face Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws on the Monday evening. Clarke said that he is now 'seeking a meeting' with the FA to 'discuss' his concerns. 'The third round of the FA Cup on the first Saturday in January was always one of the great highlights of the season and, to have less than one third of the games kicking off at three o'clock on Saturday definitely, to some extent, diminishes the magic of the day,' he said. The FA defended its television deal, pointing to the 'benefits for grassroots football' and 'reinvestment at all levels.' Plus, makes tonnes of wonga for them so that they can get their filthy greed right on. As usual. An FA spokesperson weaselled: 'A selection of the Emirates FA Cup third-round fixtures have been picked for domestic and overseas television coverage as part of the new international broadcast deal for the competition. The new deal, which began this season, will see more money than ever before reinvested back into English football and prize money doubled to over £30.2 million - with a guaranteed four million distributed to non-league clubs. In addition, the new deal will provide an increased level of investment into grassroots football pitches, facilities and participation programmes across England.' One or two people even believed them.

Stoke City will help pay for repairs at Port Vale's stadium, after trouble broke out at a local derby. The Championship club has agreed to donate money towards the repairs at Vale Park, which was damaged at a match between the club's Under-Twenty One team and Vale in the Checkatrade Trophy on 4 December, Port Vale said. Police said 'a large section of Stoke fans had been disruptive.' Seats, toilets and windows were broken in the away stand. In a statement, the League Two outfit said: 'Stoke City have agreed to donate their share of the net proceeds from the gate towards the cost of repairs. Port Vale chairman Norman Smurthwaite, would like to thank Stoke City for this kind gesture.' The club did not reveal the amount to be paid. Staffordshire Police described the disorder as 'despicable.' Fourteen arrests were made last week and the force said that two more were made on Wednesday. Port Vale said it would focus on repairing the damage before the game with Cheltenham Town on Saturday.

Notlob Wanderers chairman and majority stakeholder Ken Anderson is to personally fund outstanding wages owed by the Championship club. Wanderers said that 'an agreement' reached with the Professional Footballers' Association to pay November's wages was 'not the preferred route.' The Bolton News reports that the PFA has 'already pulled out of the agreement' because of 'other financial concerns.' Payments will be made on Friday - fourteen days late. Wanderers said that the latest delay was 'caused' by 'exploring the option of assistance' from the PFA, with an agreement first reached with the players' union on Friday 7 December before it was 'revised' and an initial statement was issued by the club on Monday. The wage dispute at Notlob is not the first this season, with players going on strike and pre-season fixtures being cancelled because of 'similar issues' during the summer. Financial problems have plagued the club in recent years, with The Trotters only avoiding administration in September after former owner Eddie Davies gave the club a five million smackers loan four days before he died. In a statement, the club said that it would not make any further comments about the late wages payments and would like 'all attention turned towards' Saturday's home game against second-placed Dirty Leeds.

AC Milan will be very banned from European competition for a season if they do not break even by June 2021 after falling foul of financial fair play rules. The decision from UEFA comes after Milan successfully appealed against a two-year ban being imposed last summer. The Court of Arbitration for Sport partially upheld that appeal and asked for 'a proportionate disciplinary measure' to be imposed on Milan. The Italian club can appeal again to CAS against the new ruling, says UEFA. European football's governing body rules say clubs cannot spend more than they generate by their own means and UEFA handed out the original punishment after deciding Milan had breached the requirement to break even after spending two hundred million knicker on transfers. Milan has two-and-a-half years to balance their books or face missing European competition in either 2022-23 or 2023-24, should they qualify. However, the seven-times European champions did not escape immediate punishment with UEFA withholding twelve million Euros owed to the Italian side from this season's Europa League, a competition they were knocked out of on Thursday. The club will also be limited to a maximum of twenty one players, rather than the usual twenty five, in their squad for European competition should they qualify in the next two seasons. AC Milan were taken over by a US-based hedge fund in July after former owner Li Yonghong missed a deadline to repay part of the loan he used to buy the club in April 2017. In its ruling in July, CAS noted the club's financial position had 'significantly improved following the recent change in ownership.' The club have an agreement to sign Brazilian attacker Lucas Paqueta from Flamengo for a reported thirty one million smackers in January and have been linked with several centre forwards, including The Scum's Marcus Rashford, after failing to convince Zlatan Ibrahimovic to return to the San Siro. They also took striker Gonzalo Higuain and defender Mattia Caldera from Juventus in the summer.

Five Ligue Une matches have been postponed - with another three rearranged - because of the security issues in France as games are called off for the second weekend in a row. The country has seen four weekends of violent anti-government protests - with more demonstrations expected. Paris St-Germain's game in Dijon on Saturday is one of those postponed. A minute's silence will be held before the games which will be played to honour the victims of the unrelated shooting in Strasbourg. Strasbourg's players - whose game at Reims on Saturday goes ahead - will wear a shirt without sponsors' logos to pay respect. Three people were killed, with a fourth left brain dead and twelve others wounded in a Christmas market gun attack.

Eleven Sports is reportedly trying to renegotiate its TV sports rights in the UK to online-only streaming deals. Having won the rights to show La Liga and Serie A games earlier this year, the company was hoping to sub-licence the rights to broadcasting companies such as Sky, BT Sport and Virgin Media. But a failure to strike a deal has led to the streaming platform to look again at its rights deals. 'We are in discussion with our rights partners,' a spokesperson confirmed. 'Without carriage agreements with the existing platforms, alongside the challenges posed by rampant piracy, the market dynamics in the UK and Ireland are very hostile for new entrants,' they added. Meanwhile, mixed martial arts series UFC has pulled out of a deal with Eleven Sports, which was supposed to start in January, after the latter did not agree a contract to redistribute its events. Eleven Sports claim they are not in financial difficulties and the problems in the UK are 'in isolation' rather than impacting on other markets in which it operates. The company is owned by Dirty Leeds chairman Andrea Radrizzani and the issues are 'not expected' to affect the Championship club. Sky held the La Liga rights and BT Sport those for Serie A, before Eleven Sports signed three-year deals in May to show top-flight matches from Spain and Italy.

Love For Sale

Former Moscow Chelski FC and The Scum chief executive Peter Kenyon is reportedly heading a consortium that is in talks to buy yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though previously unsellable) Newcastle United. Current owner, loathsome reptile Mike Ashley, claimed in an interview earlier this week that 'discussions' over a possible sale 'are at a more progressed stage than they have ever been.' It is believed a potential deal with Kenyon is what Ashley was referring to. Kenyon is 'understood' to be working with the American financial advisory firm Rockefeller Capital Management. It is unknown if a firm bid has been lodged at this stage. However, Kenyon's group are short on time if the purchase is to be made prior to the start of the January transfer window. Premier League checks and processes when clubs change hands take around fourteen days to complete. The Christmas break and Richard Scudamore's departure as executive chairman of the league later this month could also be complicating factors regarding that time frame. Those regulatory checks can only take place after extensive due diligence of the club's financial position and any final negotiations and legal work has concluded between the two sides. That all makes a December purchase date optimistic - even if a deal was to be agreed in the coming days. Other suitors are also reported to be interested in the club, which Ashley formally put up for sale - for the second time - in 2017. Claims of interest from up to three further groups, however, remain unverified. That uncertainty is claimed to be due to 'confidentiality clauses,' but there is a suspicion that claims of other interested parties may have been somewhat exaggerated by Ashley in order to pressure the main bidder into swift action. It has also been alleged that financial consultants working for Kenyon travelled to Tyneside earlier this week and have visited St James' Park as part of their valuation. In order for that to happen, the proposed new owners would have had to satisfy specified financial criteria - but not deposit funds in a third party account as was previously claimed. The three hundred million kicker asking price which has been bandied around in the media is not fixed in terms of a one-off payment and a down payment 'could', reportedly, be acceptable to Ashley, given proof of sufficient funds. Claims that United had negotiated a 'try before you buy' loan deal for Atlanta United's Miguel Almiron have been 'rubbished' by the MLS side's President. Newcastle have twice been relegated from the Premier League under Ashley's ownership (and, to be scrupulously fair, twice promoted at the first attempt after those two relegations). It is also worth noting at this juncture Keith Telly Topping's previous voiced sage-like advice to all fellow Magpies (and, indeed, all fellow football fans) on the subject of someone new potentially taking over your club. 'Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true.'

England will face the Netherlands in the Nations League semi-finals in Guimaraes, Portugal on 6 June 2019. The hosts face Switzerland on 5 June at Porto's Estadio do Dragao in the other semi-final, with the final scheduled for 9 June. 'It's a very exciting game to look forward to and a second semi-final for us,' said England manager Gareth Southgate. England reached the last four of the World Cup in Russia this summer, where they were beaten two-one by Croatia. You might remember it, it was on TV and everything. They qualified for the Nations League semi-finals by finishing top of a group containing Croatia and Spain. The game against the Dutch, currently managed by Ronald Koeman, at Estadio D Afonso Henriques will be the first competitive meeting between the sides since Euro '96, when an England side containing Southgate memorably won four-one at Wembley. 'We play a team in Holland who are at a similar stage to us - developing, lots of exciting young players in both sides - and you can see the impact Ronald has had,' said Southgate. The Dutch qualified for the last four thanks to a ninetieth-minute equaliser in their final group game in Germany. Switzerland pipped Belgium to top spot by virtue of their superior head-to-head record, beating them five-two in their final game. European champions Portugal progressed at the expense of Poland and Italy. The Nations League, which began in September and featured fifty five nations in four tiers, also provides a second opportunity to qualify for Euro 2020. The winners of the competition will receive over six million smackers in prize money, and the fourth-placed team around four million notes.

DJ Martin Solveig has grovellingly apologised to Women's Ballon d'Or winner Ada Hegerberg for asking her after she collected her award if she knew 'how to twerk.' The Frenchman said Lyon and Norway striker Hegerberg - who simply answered 'no' to the question - had told him after the ceremony she 'understood it was a joke.' Hegerberg told BBC Sport that she 'didn't consider it sexual harassment.' The twenty three-year-old was named the inaugural winner of the award, which recognises the world's best player, in Paris. Real Madrid and Croatia midfielder Luka Modric won the men's award, becoming the first player other than either Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo to claim the trophy in more than a decade. Solveig was playing music throughout the ceremony and also danced with Hegerberg to Frank Sinatra. During the presentation of her award, he asked her: 'Do you know how to twerk?' She replied that she did not. Hegerberg, who had just made a speech talking about her hopes of inspiring girls to believe in themselves, appeared rather bewildered by the random nature of the question, sparking a massive reaction on social media. Twerking is a sexually provocative dance move popularised by the singer Miley Cyrus. Solveig was widely criticised on social media, including by two-time Wimbledon tennis champion Andy Murray, who said on Instagram: 'Another example of the ridiculous sexism that still exists in sport. To everyone who thinks people are overreacting and it was just a joke, it wasn't. I've been involved in sport my whole life and the level of sexism is unreal.' On Tuesday, Women in Sport said that it was 'extremely disappointed' at the comments made by Solveig. 'The sexist remarks made by Solveig were completely inappropriate and show just how much work is still left to do to create a society that is free from sexism and discrimination,' the charity said in a statement. 'In her speech, Ada Hegerberg implored young girls all over the world to believe in themselves and we hope that this moment will not overshadow her incredible achievement of becoming the first recipient of the women's Ballon d'Or.' 'Apologies to anyone who may have been offended,' Solveig wrote on Twitter, a marvellous example of a non-apology apology in which it is, seemingly, those who took offence at the comments that are in the wrong rather than Solveig himself for making the comments in the first place. 'This was a joke, probably a bad one and I want to apologise.' In a video message, he added: 'I am a little bit amazed as to what I am reading on the Internet. I, of course, didn't want to offend anyone. This comes from a distortion of my English level and my English culture level, which is obviously not enough because I didn't mean to offend anyone and didn't know this could be seen as such an offence. Especially if you consider the sequence in total, when we ended up dancing to Frank Sinatra.' Solveig later posted a picture on Twitter of him and Hegerberg shaking hands. Speaking to BBC Sport, Hegerberg said: 'He came to me afterwards and was really sad that it went that way. I didn't really think about it at the time. I was just happy to do the dance and win the Ballon d'Or to be honest. I will have a glass of champagne when I get back.'

Paris St-Germain's Ligue One game against Montpellier in the French capital on Saturday was postponed at the request of the police. Violent protests have been held in major French cities over the past three weekends against a rise in fuel tax with lots of Frenchies getting all stroppy and discombobulated. The gilets jaunes) protests have now grown to reflect more widespread anger at the government and more took place at the weekend. League leaders PSG said that a new date for the match 'will be set in due course.' PSG's next two games are away from Paris. They play Strasbourg in the French top flight on Wednesday and then travel to Red Star Belgrade in the Champions League on 11 December. 'We accept this postponement,' said PSG boss Thomas Tuchel. 'We'll have to manage this situation to stay in shape before Belgrade. Security is absolutely important.' Except, he said it in French, obviously. Lyon's match at Toulouse on Saturday was postponed. 'It's a last-minute decision,' said Lyon owner Jean-Michel Aulas. 'It marks the current turmoil in a society that prioritises things that we would not like to see. I do not know if there were any risks. Maybe the whole day will be cancelled because it poses a problem of fairness. The calendar is very busy for the European teams. One must be factual and bow to the force of events. We will adapt.'

It will be 'desperately disappointing' if Scochtland are not involved in Euro 2020 while hosting four games, says the Scottish FA's chief executive. Most English people, by contrast, think it will be 'desperately funny' but, that's another story entirely. The Scotch have two chances to qualify for their first major tournament since 1998 - via the Nations League play-offs and the traditional qualifiers. They were drawn in what looks to be a rock-hard group with Belgium, Russia, Cyprus, Kazakhstan and San Marino. 'It's vitally important that we're part of the competition, particularly the games at Hampden,' Ian Maxwell said. Hampden will host three group matches and a last sixteen fixture as UEFA take the tournament across Europe to celebrate the sixtieth anniversary of the first European Championship (then called the European Nations Cup). Maxwell, like Scotchland manager Alex McLeish, is 'determined' to qualify automatically by finishing in the top two of Group I, rather than rely on the Nations League. Trips to Russia, Kazakhstan and Cyprus will have to yield something if the Scotch are to qualify and after criticism of their travel schedule for Israel and Albania in Nations League C Group One, Maxwell stresses that nothing will be left to chance during the qualifiers. 'We'll consider anything,' he added. 'Ultimately we want the players to take the field in the best possible physical and mental condition.' And, Maxwell said of the trip to Kazakhstan: 'Alex will consult the performance staff and I imagine we'll speak to some of the players as well because they'll have done it at club level. It'll be interesting to learn from the experiences they had to make sure everybody's as prepared as they possibly can be. We're quite happy to look at whatever opportunities we can to make sure the players are as well equipped as they can be.'

Now, dear blog reader, would you like to watch 'the incredible moment' a dog stopped a shot on the line in an Argentine third division match between Defensores de Belgrano de Villa Ramallo and Juventud Unida? Of course you would, you're only human. It can be viewed here.

Crystal Palace are reported to be 'confident' that their training ground kitchen will regain its five-star hygiene rating after being rated zero over a mice infestation. An inspection in August found the facility in Beckenham, used by players and staff, had 'a significant mouse problem' and had done so 'for several months.' The report was released by Bromley Council following a freedom of information request from Kent Live. A Palace spokesman claimed that the issue 'has been resolved. We invested substantially in the training ground over the summer, upgrading facilities for our players and staff and immediately took action to remedy the issues highlighted in the kitchen area following the works,' read a club statement. 'The remedial action was approved by the environmental health inspector and we are confident that our five-star rating at Beckenham will be restored when we are re-inspected, in line with our five-star rating for the kitchen facilities at Selhurst Park.'

Police investigating 'despicable disorder' at a football derby have released a video of suspects destroying a toilet block. The footage shows a group of men chanting (which, to be fair, isn't illegal), damaging sinks and smashing windows (both of which very much are) at the match between Port Vale and Stoke City Under-Twenty Ones at Vale Park on Tuesday night. More than one hundred and fifty officers were deployed to the stadium and eleven people arrested as a sick orgy of untamed violence broke out, with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. Police said 'a large section' of Stoke fans - their minds poisoned by alcohol, one presumes - had been 'disruptive.' The scallywags. Port Vale won the Checkatrade Trophy match four-nil and almost four thousand Stoke fans were in a crowd of seven thousand nine hundred. Flares, seats and other missiles were thrown onto the pitch during the game. Staffordshire Police called the video 'shocking' and appealed for information on the identity of the men involved whilst announcing that eleven chaps had been pinched by The Fuzz. Nabbed by The Heat. Taken downtown for 'a good talking to.' You get the picture? Detective Chief Inspector Rob Taylor said: 'We have a duty to the local community and the loyal supporters of both clubs to act swiftly. We will ensure that all opportunities will be taken to identify those suspected of being involved in this despicable disorder and bring them to justice.' Previously, Chief Superintendent Wayne Jones said that his officers faced 'shocking levels of hostility' on the night. 'The toilet block in the away stand was damaged badly,' he said. 'The cisterns and urinals were smashed off the wall, windows were damaged and there was an attempt to set fire to the toilet block.' It comes after two men were charged with using threatening or abusive language.

The helicopter which crashed killing Leicester City's chairman and four others spun out of control after a mechanism 'became disconnected,' investigators said. An Air Accident Investigation Branch report found that cockpit pedals had disconnected from the tail rotor. This caused the AW169 aircraft to turn uncontrollably to the right before it crashed near The King Power Stadium. The AAIB said that its inquiries into the 27 October crash were 'ongoing.' Leicester City chairman Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha, two members of his staff - Nusara Suknamai and Kaveporn Punpare - and the pilots Eric Swaffer and Izabela Roza Lechowicz were killed in the crash. A public memorial for Swaffer and Lechowicz - who police said was a passenger at the time of the crash - is taking place at Guildford Cathedral on Thursday. An inspection at the crash site found parts of a mechanism linking the pilot's pedals to the tail rotor had become disconnected and there was 'a build-up of black grease' on one component. The failure of the system led to the pitch of the tail rotor blades being changed 'until they reached the physical limit of their travel.' The report stated: 'The initiating cause and exact sequence of the failure that resulted in the loss of tail rotor control is being investigated as a priority.' Widely shared video footage of the helicopter's last flight, taken from inside The King Power Stadium, shows the AgustaWestland AW169 climbing normally for about forty seconds before it pauses and goes into a downward spin. The aircraft reached an altitude of approximately four hundred and thirty feet, then crashed to the ground. It was rapidly engulfed in a post-impact fire and all five people on board were killed instantly. Following the crash, the European Aviation Safety Agency ordered safety checks to be carried out on the tail rotors of AW169s and similar models.

Draws

England have avoided Germany in Euro 2020 qualifying but Northern Ireland must face the three-time winners and the Netherlands in Group C. At forty two in the world, the Czech Republic are the next highest ranked team in England's group, which is completed by Bulgaria, Montenegro and Kosovo. Germany dropped into pot two for the draw after a disappointing World Cup and suffering relegation in the UEFA Nations League. As well as facing Ze Chermans and the Dutch, unlucky Northern Ireland will also play Estonia and Belarus. The Republic of Ireland had, initially, been drawn in Group C but were handed a reprieve as the group already contained two of the twelve host nations for Euro 2020. They were, therefore, placed in Group D instead, along with Switzerland, Denmark, Georgia and Gibraltar. They should, at least, be able to beat Gibraltar. That is, if it hasn't been invaded by Spain by that time. Fellow hosts Scotchland joined Belgium, Russia, Cyprus, Kazakhstan and San Marino in a tough-looking Group I, whilst Wales will meet World Cup finalists Croatia, Slovakia, Hungary and Azerbaijan in Group E. The Euro 2020 qualifiers will take place between March and November 2019, with the winner and runner-up of each group going through directly. The qualifying process is condensed because of this year's Nations League group games, with England and Scotland guaranteed at least a Euro 2020 play-off place should they fail to qualify via their regular qualifying group after winning their Nations League sections. Wembley will stage both the semi-finals and the final of Euro 2020, as well as three group games and a last-sixteen match. Glasgow's Hampden Park and Dublin's Aviva Stadium will each host three group games and a last-sixteen match. England had to be placed in a five-team group, as did Portugal, the Netherlands and Switzerland, to ensure that they have free dates for the Nations League finals in June 2019. Portugal are in Group B along with Ukraine, Serbia, Lithuania and Luxembourg. In Group F, Spain will face Sweden, Norway, Romania, Faroe Islands and Malta. Poland, Austria, Israel, Slovenia, Macedonia and Latvia feature in Grop G whilst World Cup winners France, Iceland, Turkey, Albania, Moldova and Andorra will contest Group H. Group J has Italy, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Finland, Greece, Armenia and Liechtenstein.

A petrol bomb was thrown and police clashed with Ajax supporters during the Dutch club's two-nil Champions League win against AEK Athens in Greece this week. Home supporters reportedly threw flares into the stands housing Ajax fans and pictures show flames burning next to the away section. Images also show police officers hitting Ajax fans, leaving some with blood pouring down their faces. Ajax defender Matthijs de Ligt ran over to the visiting fans to plead for calm. At the start of the second half there were further crowd disturbance as several firecrackers were set off. Players from both sides were seen to be rubbing their eyes as smoke drifted across the Athens Olympic Stadium. Ajax secured victory through two goals from former Southampton forward Dusan Tadic to progress to the last sixteen for the first time since 2005. AEK, who had Marko Livaja sent off for two yellow cards, are bottom of Group E without any points.

This blogger thinks it was appalling that UEFA made The Scum play against Young Boys in the Champions League this week, dear blog reader. Couldn't they find some, you know, older ones?

An amateur Irish football club have grovellingly apologised after falsely reporting the death of one of their players. Dublin club Ballybrack FC had informed the Leinster Senior League that Fernando Nuno La-Fuente had died in a traffic accident.Their game against Arklow Town on Saturday was postponed whilst a minute's silence was held before other fixtures in the league. However, it later emerged that La-Fuente is, in fact, alive in his native Spain and the league has launched an investigation in this whole malarkey. The league placed a death notice in an Irish newspaper, offering its 'heartfelt condolences' to Fernando's family and Ballybrack FC, before being notified La-Fuente had not, in fact, died at all. 'It has come to the attention of both the club, senior players and the management team that a gross error of judgement has occurred emanating from correspondence sent from a member of the senior set-up management team to the Leinster Senior League,' Ballybrack said on Tuesday. 'An emergency meeting was held and the person in question has been relieved of all footballing duties, within Ballybrack FC, its senior team and roles within the club itself. The club has contacted Fernando to confirm his whereabouts, well-being and are thankful for his acceptance of our apology on this matter. This grave and unacceptable mistake was completely out of character and was made by a person who has been experiencing severe personal difficulties unbeknownst to any other members of the club. At this stage we can only offer our sincere apologies to the Leinster Senior League, our opponents Arklow Town FC and the host of clubs and football people who made contact with us or offered messages of support in recent days.' League chairman David Moran told the RTE that the club's secretary had extremely resigned earlier on Tuesday. 'The young lad didn't die in a motorbike accident last Thursday. He went back to Spain four or five weeks ago apparently,' he added. 'The Leinster Senior League rang yesterday morning. We wanted to show our sympathies and go to the Mass and maybe meet the family and see what we could do to help in this horrible situation. And, we were told he was flown back to Spain on the Saturday. Straight away, that rang alarm bells for us. How would you die early on Friday morning and be flown back to Spain on the Saturday? We checked the hospitals, we checked everywhere. Nobody could find anything about this young fella. Obviously, some of his team-mates released stuff on social media saying he went back to Spain four weeks ago.' The Leinster Senior League had earlier released a statement which outlined its plans for an investigation. 'The Leinster Senior League will co-operate with all relevant agencies in the investigation of this matter and the league will also deal with this issue through their own internal disciplinary procedures,' it said.

A female fan claims that she was sexually assaulted at a German Bundesliga game and was allegedly told by a steward to 'go home and watch on TV' if she did not like it. The woman claims that she was 'repeatedly groped' by a man who also tried to open her bra during Schalke's match against Nuremberg at Veltins Arena on Saturday. Police in Gelsenkirchen said the woman has filed a complaint and they are trying to identify the dodgy geezer allegedly involved in the incident. Officers are also investigating the alleged behaviour of the steward. Police confirmed that they had started a criminal investigation after the woman filed a complaint after the game. Schalke told BBC Sport that they were taking the allegations 'very seriously.' The club have launched an internal investigation and added: 'We are in the process of getting an overview and working in close cooperation with the police.'

A very naughty man who bombed the Borussia Dortmund team bus in 2017 has been given fourteen years in The Slammer for attempted murder. Sergei Wenergold, a German of Russian origin, had hidden bombs packed with metal pins which went off as the bus passed a hedge on its way to a Champions League quarter-final match. The blast, which wounded two people, was initially treated by authorities as a suspected jihadist attack. But Wenergold admitted the plot, saying that he had not meant to hurt anyone. In a bizarre twist, it emerged that the twenty nine year old had planned to 'make money' out of the bombing by betting on a fall in Borussia Dortmund's stock market price. Dortmund's Spanish defender Marc Bartra and a police officer were wounded in the attack. Wenergold was convicted of twenty eight counts of attempted murder.

Cameroon have been stripped of hosting next year's Africa Cup of Nations, says the Confederation of African Football. African football's governing body, CAF, says it is because of delays in the progress of Cameroon's preparation for the tournament, due to start in June. Officials made the decision at a meeting on Friday in Accra, Ghana, that lasted more than ten hours. CAF president Ahmad Ahmad says it will work to 'determine a new organising country by the end of the year.' The tournament is set to be the first held in June and July and will be expanded from sixteen to twenty four teams. Ahmad said last year that Cameroon still needed 'to convince CAF of its ability' to host the event, with the country playing down fears that sanctions would be imposed if preparations were deemed to be behind schedule. But in August the chairman of CAF's Nations Cup organising committee, Amaju Pinnick, said 'nobody is going to take it away from Cameroon.' Morocco have been touted as potential hosts, having stepped in to hold this year's African Nations Championship after Kenya were deemed not ready.

Glasgow Rangers chairman Dave King has told a court that he 'suspects' some shareholders in the club 'have links to organised crime.' At the Court of Session of Edinburgh, King said he is 'now one hundred per cent committed' to making an offer for the remainder of the club's shareholding. He was ordered to do so after being found to have 'worked with others' when taking control of the club in 2015. But King said that he could not make an offer to four shareholders because of their claimed criminal links. He said that a Glasgow Rangers board meeting last Monday concluded that the four 'could not transfer their stakes,' adding that one of them was 'engaged in criminal activities in the USA.' King has been in dispute with The Takeover Panel, who applied to have the South African businessman held in contempt of court for refusing to comply. The Ibrox chairman had argued that he should be allowed to 'ring-fence funding' for the offer in South Africa but told the court, in front of Lady Wolfe, that after 'exhausting all options,' he will now agree to transfer funds to the UK. The Takeover Panel want financial guarantees of around nineteen million knicker to be held 'by a third party.' As part of his evidence, King also listed key shareholders who, he claims, have told him they will not take up the offer. One of the investors mentioned was former chairman of the football board Sandy Easdale. Easdale subsequently told the BBC that he has given 'no such undertaking.' A spokesman for the Easdales said: 'Despite Mister King's evidence today, at no time has Sandy Easdale given him an assurance that he would not sell his shares for twenty pence as stipulated by The Takeover Panel. Neither Mister Easdale nor his brother, James, have ever spoken to Mister King on this matter.'

Palermo have been sold to 'a London-based company' for the price of ten Euros, the Italian second division side's owner has announced. Maurizio Zamparini said that he has sold 'one hundred per cent of the club' at 'a symbolic price.' Zamparini bought Palermo in 2002 and last year stepped down as president. However, his replacement resigned as a takeover fell through. He made around forty five managerial appointments during his time in charge. Zamparini said he was 'profoundly sad' to finally be leaving but is 'thinking of the club's future.' In an open letter to fans, he added: 'The objective for some time has been to find someone to continue my work with more financial power, capable of investments that I was no longer able to make. The new London-based owners will put into action the construction of the stadium and training ground. I have, with a lump in my throat, signed my departure.' When Zamparini took over, Palermo had not been in the Italian top flight for thirty years. They returned to Serie A for the 2004-05 campaign and competed five times in the UEFA Cup and Europa League under his ownership. Players such as Edinson Cavani, Paulo Dybala and Javier Pastore featured during the years before relegation to Serie B in 2014. They returned immediately to the top flight as second division champions, but were relegated again in 2017. Palermo are currently top of Serie B, three points clear of Pescara.

The second leg of the Copa Libertadores final between Boca Juniors and River Plate has been moved more than six thousand miles away to the Bernabeu in Madrid. The Buenos Aires derby was postponed last weekend, following an attack on the Boca team bus by River Plate fans. Boca players suffered cuts from the glass from broken windows and were also affected by the tear gas used by police to disperse the crowds. The match will now take place on Sunday 9 December. The Copa Libertadores is the showpiece club competition in South America, equivalent to the Champions League in Europe. Both sets of supporters will be given an equal allocation of tickets for the match in the Spanish capital. CONMEBOL, South American football's governing body, rejected Boca's appeal to be awarded the trophy without playing. The fixture had been poised to be the biggest club match in the one hundred and twenty seven-year history of Argentine football, and the first leg ended two-two. But it was marred by the attack which led to a number of players, including Boca's former Sheikh Yer Man City, The Scum and Juventus striker Carlos Tevez, reportedly 'suffering from dizziness and vomiting' and being treated by club doctors. The mayor of Buenos Aires, Horacio Rodriguez Larreta, said River Plate 'hooligans' described as the 'mafia of Argentine soccer' were behind the sick and vicious attack. It came a day after police raided the house of a leader of the Barra Brava - the powerful and violent wing of River's hardcore support - and confiscated ten million Pesos and three hundred tickets for the final. River Plate have been fined over three hundred thousand smackers on account of the violence and the Prime Minister of Spain, Pedro Sanchez, has since tweeted: 'Spain is ready to organise the final of the Copa Libertadores between Boca Juniors and River Plate. The security forces have extensive experience of these situations and are already working on the necessary deployments to ensure the event is secure.'

La Liga has taken the Spanish Football Association to court in its fight to play Girona's home league game against Barcelona in Miami. The Spanish top flight has filed a lawsuit with a civil court in Madrid to force the RFEF to approve the match. A decision is expected around the middle of December. 'La Liga has taken a case to court in Madrid and expect a resolution in the coming days or weeks,' a spokesperson for the league said. It is understood La Liga thinks the RFEF's role in bringing the second leg of the Copa Libertadores final to Real Madrid's Bernabeu stadium on 9 December will strengthen its case, as it is a precedent for matches transcending country and regional borders. The RFEF and Spanish players' union have previously been vocal in their objections to the game. AFE president David Aganzo has now said the match will not go ahead next year, but that it could be 'possible' in the future. La Liga agreed to play one game a season in the US as part of a fifteen-year deal with media company Relevent and Catalan neighbours Girona and Barcelona agreed to move their game to the Hard Rock Stadium. In addition to the Spanish FA, the match also needs the approval of FIFA, US Soccer and the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football. La Liga has previously said it will go to the Court of Arbitration for Sport if FIFA blocks the move. Football's world governing body has not yet formally banned the proposal. Because someone's going to make a shitload of money out of it, obviously. And, FIFA are never one to get in the way of greed.

Dutch police are helping officers in Bristol after a pub was badly damaged in a fight in the run-up to a Championship football match. Officers were called to The Luckwell Hotel on Saturday amid the fight, with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. Four men were extremely arrested at the hotel on Sunday morning. Millwall and Bristol City were playing at Ashton Gate later in the day. Avon and Somerset Police said they were working with Dutch police because 'a number of fans have travelled from Holland to watch the game.' Superintendent Paul Mogg, said that he believed the disorder involved 'a number of football fans' planning to go to the match. 'We're working closely with Bristol City FC, as well as officers from the Metropolitan Police and colleagues from the Dutch police to apprehend those involved as we know a number of fans have travelled from Holland to watch the game,' he said. 'Anyone else identified as taking part, can expect to be dealt with robustly. Fortunately, it does not appear anyone was seriously injured in the incident but the pub was significantly damaged.'