O Rei Está Morto

Brazilian football legend Pelé, arguably the greatest player ever, has died at the age of eighty two. He is credited with scoring a world record twelve hundred and eighty one goals in thirteen hundred and sixty three appearances during a twenty one-year career, including seventy seven goals in ninety two matches for his country. A few of them were a bit good. The only player to win the World Cup three times, being part of the Brazil squads when they won the trophy in 1958, 1962 and 1970 (although he missed the 1962 final through injury), Pelé was named as FIFA's Player of the Century in 2000. He had been suffering with kidney and prostate problems in recent years. Pelé had surgery to remove a tumour from his colon in September 2021 at the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo, after the tumour was detected during routine tests. He was readmitted to hospital in late November 2022. His daughter Kely Nascimento has kept fans updated on her father's condition with regular social media updates from hospital. On Thursday she posted a picture of what appeared to be Pelé's family's hands on his body in hospital and wrote: 'Everything we are is thanks to you. We love you infinitely. Rest in peace.' Pelé was born Edson Arantes do Nascimento in October 1940, in Três Corações, Minas Gerais, the son of Fluminense footballer Dondinho (João Ramos do Nascimento) and Celeste Arantes. He grew up in poverty in Bauru, São Paulo and earned money for his family by working in tea shops. Taught to play by his father, he could not afford a proper football and usually played with either a sock stuffed with newspaper and tied with string, or a grapefruit. He made his debut for Santos FC in 1956 and was in the national side a year later as a seventeen year old. After the 1958 and 1962 World Cups, wealthy European clubs, such as Real Madrid, Juventus and The Scum, tried to sign him. In 1958, Inter Milan even managed to do so, but Angelo Moratti was forced to tear the contract up at the request of Santos' chairman following a revolt by Santos' fans. He would remain at Santos until 1974. He then came out of retirement and enjoyed three seasons - and celebrity status - playing for New York Cosmos in the late 1970s. He also appeared in Escape To Victory (1981) but we can probably forgive him for that. In 1970, Pelé was investigated by Brazil's military dictatorship for suspected leftist sympathies. Declassified documents showed Pelé was investigated after being handed a manifesto calling for the release of political prisoners. Pelé did not get further involved with political struggles in the country after that. Among the most successful and popular sporting figures of the Twentieth Century, Pelé was one of the most lauded players in the history of football and was frequently ranked as the best player ever. Following his emergence at the 1958 World Cup he was nicknamed O Rei ('The King'). Among his contemporaries, Dutch star Johan Cruyff (in this blogger's opinion, the only player who could push Pelé close to the title of the world's greatest player) stated, 'Pelé was the only footballer who surpassed the boundaries of logic.' Brazil's 1970 World Cup-winning captain, Carlos Alberto opined: 'His great secret was improvisation. Those things he did were in one moment. He had an extraordinary perception of the game.' According to Tostão, his strike partner at the 1970 World Cup: 'Pelé was the greatest - he was simply flawless. And off the pitch he is always smiling and upbeat. You never see him bad-tempered. He loves being Pelé.' Another Brazil teammate, Clodoaldo, commented on the adulation he witnessed: 'In some countries they wanted to touch him, in some they wanted to kiss him. In others they even kissed the ground he walked on. I thought it was beautiful.' According to Franz Beckenbauer, West Germany's 1974 World Cup-winning captain: Pelé was 'the greatest player of all time. He reigned supreme for twenty years. There's no one to compare with him.' Former Real Madrid and Hungary star Ferenc Puskás stated: 'The greatest player in history was [Alberto] Di Stéfano. I refuse to classify Pelé as a player. He was above that.' Just Fontaine, French striker and leading scorer at the 1958 World Cup said 'When I saw Pelé play, it made me feel I should hang up my boots.' England's Bobby Moore commented: 'Pelé was the most complete player I've ever seen, he had everything. Two good feet. Magic in the air. Quick. Powerful. Could beat people with skill. Could outrun people. Only five feet and eight inches tall, yet he seemed a giant of an athlete on the pitch. Perfect balance and impossible vision. He was the greatest because he could do anything and everything on a football pitch. I remember Saldanha the coach being asked by a Brazilian journalist who was the best goalkeeper in his squad. He said Pelé. The man could play in any position.' Sir Bobby Charlton added: 'I sometimes feel as though football was invented for this magical player.' During the 1970 World Cup, when Paddy Crerand (who was part of the ITV panel) was asked, 'How do you spell Pelé?', he replied, Easy: 'G-O-D.' Pelé was also known to be a fair player, who stood out for his charismatic leadership and sportsmanship on the pitch. His warm embrace of Bobby Moore following the Brazil's narrow victory over England at the 1970 World Cup is viewed as the embodiment of sportsmanship, with the New York Times stating the image 'captured the respect that two great players had for each other. As they exchanged jerseys, touches and looks, the sportsmanship between them is all in the image. No gloating, no fist-pumping from Pelé. No despair, no defeatism from Bobby Moore.' In his early career, he played in a variety of attacking positions. Although he usually operated as a centre forward, his wide range of skills also allowed him to play in a more withdrawn role. In his later career, he took on more of a deeper playmaking role behind the strikers, often functioning as, effectively, an attacking midfielder. Pelé's unique playing style combined speed, creativity and technical skill with physical power, stamina and athleticism. His excellent technique, balance, flair, agility and dribbling skills enabled him to beat opponents with the ball and frequently saw him use sudden changes of direction and elaborate feints in order to get past players. It's a largely forgotten football fact that Pelé even once played against this blogger's beloved Magpies. The game came when Newcastle embarked on a four-match tour of the Far East. The date was 4 June 1972 at the Happy Valley stadium in Hong Kong and the match was between United and Santos. Pelé, was then thirty one and the game came two years after Brazil's triumph in Mexico and a year after he had retired from international football, but the man in the number ten shirt could still pack a mighty punch. Former Toon full-back Frankie Clark recalled the game: 'We were two-one up at half-time. We were the better team before the break, but it was a different matter after half-time. Pelé suddenly decided to turn it on. He scored three fantastic goals in about fifteen minutes. After that, he went off .. we lost four-two but it was a great experience being on the same pitch as the world's best player.' Presenting Pelé with the Laureus Lifetime Achievement Award, former South African president Nelson Mandela said, 'To watch him play was to watch the delight of a child combined with the extraordinary grace of a man in full.' Andy Warhol (who painted a portrait of Pelé) said 'Pelé was one of the few who contradicted my theory: instead of fifteen minutes of fame, he will have fifteen centuries.' After retirement he became a global ambassador for the game and a UNESCO goodwill ambassador. He dabbled, briefly, in politics (he was Brazil's minister of sport for two years in the 1990s). He assisted Rio's bid for the 2016 Olympics and supported various charitable causes, such as Action for Brazil's Children, Gols Pela Vida, SOS Children's Villages, The Littlest Lamb, Prince's Rainforests Project and others. Married three times, he fathered seven children.

'It's funny what a difference in sport a year can make'. This blogger's beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies cruised past Leicester City with three first-half goals to claim a sixth consecutive Premier League win and move up to second in the table in the Boxing Day clash. Just to remind anyone that may have forgotten, on the day after Boxing Day 2021, The Magpies drew one-all with The Scum at St James' Park and, after nineteen matches they sat second bottom of The Premier League with but eleven points and only one win and with relegation to The Championship looking a racing certainty. Things have improved, somewhat, since then. Chris Wood kick-started a dominant performance by smashing the opener from the penalty spot before Miguel Almirón glided past the Leicester defence to tuck away the second. Joelinton headed the third from a Kieran Trippier corner for his second goal of the season as The Magpies demonstrated the clinical edge that the hosts were missing. With England midfielder James Maddison out of the Leicester squad, as he continued to recover from a knee issue sustained before the World Cup, Brendan Rodgers' side were toothless in attack and dodgy in defence. Jamie Vardy (you know, Rebekah's husband) was introduced off the bench to add pace to The Foxes' attack in the second half and he managed to get in down the side on a couple of occasions but there was no blue shirt to meet his crosses. The Magpies are four points behind leaders The Arse, who have played two fewer games. Leicester - who registered just two tame efforts on target in the final ten minutes - remain thirteenth. Newcastle were the form team in the Premier League before the World Cup break, having recorded successive wins over Everton, Stottingtot Hotshots, Aston Villains, Southampton and The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC. England forward Callum Wilson was missing from the matchday squad because of illness, but the match could not have started better for the visitors as Joelinton was brought down inside the area by a swipe of Daniel Amartey's leg with only a minute on the clock. Wood drilled the ball down the middle to beat goalkeeper Danny Ward and open the scoring. Leicester's defence lacked an intensity in the absence of the experienced Jonny Evans, and Almirón was the beneficiary for the second as he glided past the blue shirts after a sweeping move involving Trippier and Bruno Guimarães to open up his body and find the far corner with a finish he practised so diligently in the warm-up. The game was over as a contest before the interval when Joelinton was rewarded for his endeavour with a powerful headed goal as he completely lost marker Youri Tielemans. Leicester failed to produced their first shot on target until the eighty second minute, with Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall's tame effort failing to trouble goalkeeper Nick Pope. The hosts will be hoping for playmaker Maddison to return from his knee injury quickly as they seek to move up the table in the weeks ahead. Th' Toon's next game is at home to Dirty Leeds United on New Year's Eve.

Too Much Pressure

England will meet France in the World Cup Quarter-Finals on Saturday after an impressive demolition of Senegal at Al Bayt Stadium. Gareth Southgate's side survived a nervy opening in which goalkeeper Jordan Pickford made an outstanding save from Boulaye Dia to run out convincing winners with a powerful display of attacking strength. Jude Bellingham was England's star man, setting up the first goal for Jordan Henderson with a perfect cross after thirty eight minutes then having a hand in the second on the stroke of half-time, combining with Phil Foden as captain Harry Kane powered home his first of the tournament. It left Kane just one behind Wayne Rooney's all-time record of fifty three England goals and he now has the perfect stage here in Qatar to write a fresh page in the history books. Foden was the creator once more as England wrapped the game up in the fifty seventh minute, crossing for Bukayo Saka to show great awareness and touch to flick a delicate finish past Senegal goalkeeper Edouard Mendy. It capped the perfect night for coach Southgate, who opted to restore Saka and keep faith with Foden, leaving out Marcus Rashford despite his two goals in the win over Wales. Raheem Sterling was not considered as he dealt with 'a family matter.'

With twenty minutes to go and England's winning three-nil, this blogger was absolutely burstin' for a wee-wee. But, he was too nervous to leave The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House armchair and go to the lavvy in case England concede four goals whilst he was away. Stranger things have happened. Despite the potential damage to his kidneys, he held on till the final whistle. The relief was immense (and, this blogger isn't talking about the result).

Over The Line Or Over Ze Hill?

Did the ball cross the line, dear blog reader? That is the age-old World Cup question for Ze Chermans, who crashed out of The World Cup as Japan beat Spain thanks to an opinion-dividing winner which left some scratching their heads. Kaoru Mitoma's cutback for Ao Tanaka's tap-in happened after the ball looked (from some camera angles, at least) to have crossed the byeline. Even after cropping and zooming in on the footage, it looked incredibly close. Eventually it was ruled that the ball had not fully crossed the line. In other words, if you drew an imaginary line upwards at ninety degrees from the far edge of the whitewash, it would have still passed through the curve of the ball - albeit only just - even though the part of the ball that touched the ground had fully crossed the line. The goal was initially ruled out by the assistant referee after a long pause, then the video assistant referee intervened and ultimately Japan's lead would stand - and they would go on to win.

Notoriously cowardly appeasers of fascists and dictators FIFA said on Friday that 'the video match officials used the goalline camera images to check if the ball was still partially on the line.' It added: 'Other cameras may offer misleading images but on the evidence available, the whole of the ball was not out of play.' 'I have seen a photo that must have been tampered with, it cannot be that this photo is real. It has to be manipulated,' claimed Spain coach Luis Enrique. 'I felt that something fishy was going on when the VAR took as much time as it did to decide.' He added that this was, clearly, a massive conspiracy involving The CIA and The Rand Corporation. And The Saucer People. And The Reverse Vampires. Probably. There was definitely something suspicious going on up at The Grassy Knoll he added. 'Luckily, the team only goes into collapse mode once every four years, otherwise I wouldn't be able to cope.' The controversy evoked memories of Frank Lampard's 'ghost goal' against Germany in 2010, when England went out in the last sixteen and - no doubt for German fans of a certain vintage - of 1966 (and all that) and Geoff Hurst's extra-time effort when England won the World Cup. Which was over the line and was correctly awarded. 

It was a frantic and thrilling Thursday evening which began with Belgium, the side ranked second in the world, being eliminated after a goalless draw with Croatia in Group F. And, halfway through the second-half of the late games, both Germany and the 2010 winners Spain were, for about three minutes, both set for an early flight home. At the break Germany had a comfortable one-nil lead over Costa Rica, with Spain also winning as both European sides seemed to be cruising into the last sixteen. Then the drama unfolded rapidly. Japan levelled against Spain four minutes into the second period. Then, incredibly, a mere one hundred and forty seconds later, they were in front. Japan and Spain, despite trailing, were heading through. With just under forty minutes to go Germany and Costa Rica were going out. 'The Japan fans around me can barely believe their eyes,' said BBC Sport's Chris Bevan. 'An incredible turnaround from their team, with the added drama of a long VAR delay.' Defeat for Spain wasn't a disaster, unless Costa Rica - then trailing to Germany - took the lead. But then, Costa Rica equalised in the fifty eighth minute and, twelve minutes later, they did go ahead. Costa Rica were suddenly set to advance with Japan at Spain's expense. However, that lead lasted for only four minutes before Kai Havertz levelled for Germany.

If Germany thought the reaction to their elimination at the 2018 World Cup in Russia was bad, wait until they see the headlines back home this time around. Despite their eventual four-two win over Costa Rica, Hansi Flick's side were eliminated in the group stages for the second successive World Cup as Japan topped the group following their two-one victory against second-placed Spain. For the four-time winners Germany, whose most recent triumph was in Brazil only eight years ago, it has been a steep and chastening decline. And, you know, feking funny. The German press, former players and pundits have all had their say on the nation's World Cup exit - and the future of manager Herr Flick with Germany set to host Euro 2024. Although it is to their great credit that, on this occasion, the Germans resisted the overwhelming temptation to invade Poland. Good on ya, Germany, you're an inspiration to us all. The BBC's Berlin correspondent Jenny Hill says 'frustration and fury best sum up the mood in Germany' with the 'sense of humiliation widespread.' So, now they know how the rest of us frequently feel after World Cup disaster. Over here, it's a regular occurrence. German newspaper Bild did not hold back in their criticism of the team's performance, labelling the side 'a soccer dwarf.' Which is a bit insulting. To dwarves. They go on to suggest 'nobody' in the Germany camp - from the players to the coaching staff - can be considered world class and have marked 1 December as 'the end of a once great and proud soccer nation.' Die Welt, meanwhile, said German football has hit 'rock bottom' and 'must stop lying to itself,' citing the need for 'fundamental change' to improve results. Suddeutsche Zeitung led with the headline 'the result that fits the big mess', while Faz says the return to the top of world football is 'just an illusion for Germany.' Elsewhere, Kicker.de said 'only a nine-two' result would have helped a Germany side who have 'failed again' and Der Spiegel has started an inquest into the reasons behind the nation's piss-poor performance, labelling the people behind it as 'stubborn.' Schadenfreude is a German word, isn't it? Just checking. The criticism of Germany from former players and pundits started mere minutes after the final whistle blew in Al Khor to confirm their exit. Former captain Bastian Schweinsteiger, who played one hundred and twenty one times for Germany, said that the blame lies with the players. 'Hansi didn't do that much wrong,' he told German broadcaster Ard. 'I'm really disappointed and shocked at how it went. The appearance of the national team is not enough. We invited the opponent. The fundamental problem is that we often invite the opponent.' Herr Flick vehemently disagreed with Schweinsteiger, calling his analysis 'absolute nonsense. There are so many reasons [for Germany's exit], but I am not looking to find excuses,' he added. 'We did not have a lot of time to train, but it is not down to that. We fulfilled our duty today and went off the pitch with a victory, but the result could have been better.' That's Herr Flick, not looking to find excuses, there. Ex-Germany midfielder Sami Khedira was critical of Herr Flick, telling Ard the manager 'got bogged down a bit with the line-up' by playing Bayern München's Joshua Kimmich at right-back instead of central midfield. However, Khedira did back Flick to stay on as Germany manager. 'Kimmich wants to be in the middle and Leon Goretzka is not a connection player - Flick gambled a bit on that,' he said. 'But [Flick] has already proven [his credentials] at Bayern. He's very clear, has a great team and a good game idea. He's strict, but at the same time a people catcher. I'd like Hansi to stay.'

German Football Association president Oberst-Gruppenführer Bernd Neuendorf said that a meeting will be held next week with Flick and technical director Oliver Bierhoff to identify the reasons behind Germany's World Cup failure, while looking ahead to Euro 2024. 'You can imagine that today there is deep disappointment,' said Neuendorf. 'This elimination is extremely painful. But we have to look ahead and so we will lead a process on how to deal with this. I am a strong supporter of clear processes and expect to hold these talks with respect and in private. We are taking the first step before the second step.' Former Germany striker and BBC pundit Jürgen Klinsmann likened the reaction in Germany to that of the English press when England regularly fail at major tournaments. And, again, with the schadenfreude. Which is, very definitely, not up Germany's collective Straßenbahn. 'The next couple of days will be very, very harsh and difficult because it's pretty much the third disappointment in a row,' he added. 'You can imagine if England leave in the group stage, what the media will do in England. It's similar to this in Germany.' Only, you know much, much funnier. Herr Klinsmann, who was a World Cup-winner with Germany in 1990, suggests that their failure to convert chances played a big part in their World Cup exit. No shit? So what Jürgen is, essentially, saying here is if they'd scored more goals, they would've won more matches. Flawless logic, you have to admit. 'That is definitely an on-the-pitch issue, that they didn't utilise the chances against Japan, they should have got the second goal far before Japan got back in the game. They've had a strong performance with Spain,' he said. Vorsprung durch Technik, guys, it's the way forward. Despite the side's disappointing performance in Qatar, Klinsmann added that there is hope for the future - especially in nineteen-year-old Bayern München midfielder Jamal Musiala. 'I think there's a lot of talent in that squad and they haven't found their high years yet,' he said. 'We have one wonder child, there's no doubt about it, in terms of performances in Musiala - he is an exceptional, exceptional player. There is a lot of talent, they can build things fairly quickly towards the Euros.'

A tearful Romelu Lukaku punched the side of the dugout - really hard - and had to be consoled as he sat with his shirt pulled over his head after the goalless draw with Croatia. It was clearly an outpouring of frustration for his role in Belgium's early exit from the World Cup. But perhaps it was also frustration at what feels like an end of an era for Belgium's 'golden generation'. Golden generation? Golden shower, more like. Belgium's failure is merely but the latest disappointment for a talented set of players who have repeatedly underwhelmed when it really mattered on the world stage. Manager Roberto Martinez hugged his players individually at full-time in what he later confirmed was his 'farewell' at the expiry of his contract. During his six years in charge, Martinez has had a squad packed full of superstars such as Sheikh Yer Man City's Kevin de Bruyne, Real Madrid's Eden Hazard and Thibaut Courtois and on-loan Inter Milan striker Lukaku. And yet they never reached a major final despite being ranked world number one from September 2018 to March 2022. Their highest finish was third at the World Cup in 2018. Belgium's starting XI had an average age of thirty one years and ninety five days against Croatia - the oldest for any side at a World Cup since 2010. Is this the end of a golden era for Belgian football? 'No, you've got players like Amadou Onana and Jeremy Doku. The "golden generation" is doing something to bring the next generation on,' claimed Martinez. One or two people even believed him. 'It's not necessarily what happens on the pitch. The legacy can be left in many ways. Now the standards need to carry on rising and the young players need to carry on this line.' Belgium's chance felt like it came in Russia four years ago. After impressively beating Brazil in the quarter-finals, they lost to eventual world champions France in the last four, conceding the only goal from a corner after dominating possession. It was progress from reaching the quarter-finals in 2014 and at the 2016 European Championship. But time was starting to run out last year when Belgium again failed to go beyond the quarter-finals at the delayed Euro 2020 and they headed to Qatar with an ageing squad. De Bruyne and Hazard are now both thirty one, while centre-back pairing Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld are thirty five and thirty three respectively. De Bruyne said earlier this week the squad was 'too old' to seriously consider winning this World Cup and it led to reports of unrest within the squad. Despite failing to reach the knockout stages, Martinez said 'there was no regrets' and Belgium can 'leave with our heads held high. We wanted to get through but I'm sure the other national teams wanted to get through and that's the tournament,' he told the BBC. 'In the previous World Cup we won three games in the group stage, we wanted to go all the way.' Belgium's tournament never really got going in Qatar. They only won one of their three group matches (and that was a fortunate one-nil victory over Canada who, for large sections of the game appeared the better side), scored just once and lost in a tame performance against eventual group winners Morocco. 'The first few games we were fearful and not the team we are. We listened to noise from outside and felt responsibility. We played thinking we could lose and be out and that's what cost us,' claimed Martinez. 'I felt if we had gone through then we would have seen the real Belgium.'

In a World Cup of numerous surprises, another one came on Friday when Hwang Hee-Chan gave South Korea a sensational injury-time victory over Portugal which meant that they edged out Uruguay to a last-sixteen place on goals scored. Hwang ran onto Son Heung-Min's defence-splitting pass in the ninety first minute to round off a rapid counter attack and start wild celebrations from his side's fans in the stands. South Korea had needed to win to stand any chance of joining Portugal in the knockout stage, but even following the final whistle, their progress was not secured. On the pitch and in the stands, players and supporters watched the final moments of Uruguay's game with Ghana, knowing another goal for the South American side would send them out. When that two-nil win was confirmed, a huge roar went around Education City Stadium, and South Korea were able to start the party for real. Meanwhile, there was a geet rive-on at the Al Janoub Stadium where the Uruguayans were getting all stroppy and discombobulated after the German referee, Herr Siebert, didn't award a late penalty for what appeared to be a foul on Edison Cavani. Television pictures focused on a blubbing-like-a-girl Luis Suárez sitting, disconsolately, on the bench having earlier been substituted. So, that was worth the licence fee all on its own.

Netherlands coach, sour-faced Louis van Gaal, says that the criticism of his team will not distract them from trying to win the World Cup. The Dutch beat Senegal and Qatar two-nil and drew with Ecuador in the group stages, but some have accused them of not being attacking enough. Van Gaal's side play the United States in the last sixteen on Saturday. 'In 2014 it was exactly the same, it was not different. It was very negative,' said Van Gaal. 'But, exact same thing now, same old, so I'm used to it and I think my players are also used to it. We're going to calmly continue on the path that we've embarked on.' Under Van Gaal, the Dutch lost to Argentina on penalties in the Semi-Finals of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. The USA drew with Wales and impressed in a goalless game with England before beating Iran to progress to the last sixteen. '[USA] have an excellent team, I would say even one of the best teams,' added Van Gaal. 'It will be a tough match, but it's nothing we can't overcome. We also have a good team. But I'm not going to downplay the USA. I think they're an example of what a good team is. There are teams who have progressed who are not good teams, but who have great individual quality.'

The Dragon Slayers

Marcus Rashford inspired England to the victory required to top Group B and ensure it was abject despair and misery for Welsh Wales as they went out of the tournament after a bitterly disappointing World Cup campaign. Wales needed to either beat England and hope Iran and USA ended in a draw or pursue the even more unlikely outcome of running up a four-goal victory margin at Ahmad bin Ali Stadium. England, who now face Senegal in the last sixteen on Sunday, ensured neither scenario was ever a serious consideration as they dominated throughout and took full control after an uneventful first forty five minutes. Wales coach Rob Page was forced to replace Gareth Bale at half-time because of an injury, although the daft-haired talisman had only had seven touches in an anonymous display. And, any hope of Wales qualifying for the last sixteen was wiped out as England scored twice within six minutes of the restart. Rashford fired a free-kick past Danny Ward following Ethan Ampadu's foul on Phil Foden after fifty minutes, with the Sheikh Yer Man City midfielder then marking his return to England's team moments later by turning in Harry Kane's cross at the far post. Wales were demoralised and outclassed as they knew they were on the way home from Qatar and Rashford added his second in the sixty eighth minute, with a large slice of help from Wales keeper Ward, in for suspended Wayne Hennessey after his red card against Iran, who allowed a fierce shot to slip through his legs. England top Group B with seven points, two points ahead of the United States who set up a last-sixteen meeting with The Netherlands by beating Iran one-nil in their match, while Wales finished dead rock bottom last of the table with but a point. It took England time and another desperately dull first-half before they clicked into top gear but once they did, they were then able to overrun Wales, who ended this World Cup in timid fashion. And Rashford continued to make a big impact at this World Cup, with his double here coming after scoring with virtually his first touch in the six-two romp against Iran in England's opening game. He missed a good chance in the first-half when he was played though by Kane but his free-kick was emphatic and the second a reward for his willingness to drive into the Wales defence at pace. He almost had a hat-trick only for Ward to block his shot at the near post. Rashford must now be under serious consideration for a starting place when England face the tougher test of Senegal as the knockout phase gets under way. Gareth Southgate made four changes to his team that performed so poorly against USA, Rashford, Foden, Jordan Henderson and fit-again Kyle Walker coming in for Raheem Sterling, Bukayo Saka, Mason Mount and Kieran Trippier. It not only helped England run out easy winners but gave squad members valuable game time, especially Walker, who is such an important part of Southgate's plans but missed the end of the Premier League to undergo groin surgery. England and Southgate have achieved their first priority of qualifying for the last sixteen while topping their group, two strong wins against Iran and Wales coming either side of that dismal USA showing. It represents a job satisfactorily done by England - now they must take the next step against the dangerous African champions.

Same Old England, Always Flattering To Decieve

Having got everyone all excited when thrashing Iran earlier in the week, England's second match at the 2022 World Cup was a frustrating and disappointing one; a piss-poor, lethargic, second-to-every-ball, barely-able-to-string-two-passes-together performance against the US which ended scoreless. England laboured in the often drab draw and missed the chance to seal qualification for the World Cup knockout stage. Gareth Southgate's side were second best for long periods as they failed to match the energy, intensity and high-pressing game of the USA, who have their own hopes of making the last sixteen. England, with Harry Maguire outstanding in defence, were unimpressive and rode their luck when Weston McKennie missed an easy chance and Christian Pulisic struck the bar in the first half. Mason Mount brought a fine save from USA goalkeeper Matt Turner just before the break but this was an undistinguished display from England which carried none of the attacking verve that saw them thrash Iran in their opening game and leaves them heading into their match against Wales with their fate undecided (albeit, they would have to lose by four clear goals not to qualify).

Four years ago at the last World Cup in Russia, this blogger's former BBC Newcastle colleague Vicki Sparks became the first woman to commentate on a World Cup game for the Beeb when she did Portugal versus Morocco. Albeit, the poor lamb had to spend ninety minutes (plus injury time) stuck next to Martin Keown which is more akin to a five-stretch than a pleasurable experience. At this tournament, she was rewarded with Uruguay versus South Korea for 5Live. And she got lumbered with Clinton Morrison as co-commentator. Which is more like ten years in The Joint, frankly. Mind you, it could have been worse, on BBC1 Pien Meulensteen was stuck with Danny Murphy. The horror.

Watching The Netherlands versus Ecuador on ITV, everything creative seemed to be going through Steven Bergwijn in the first-half. I do wonder if Louis Van Gaal's pre-match team talk to his team was, basically, 'just pass to the Dutchie on the left hand side.'

Route One (Of Several)

So what have we learned after five days of the 2022 World Cup, apart from the fact that FIFA are a bunch of cowardly appeasers of fascista (which we knew anyway)? Inevitably, some people are getting somewhat carried away by one (admittedly clinically good) performance by England (against a desperately poor Iran side). As usually happens when England win one game lots of people are already blowing the dust off their World Cup wall charts and getting out a slide-rule to plot England's likely route to the final (yes, I'm looking at you, Sky Sports!) Especially after Argentina got beat by Saudi Arabia and Germany lost to Japan. Of the other fancied European sides Denmark looked dreadfully lethargic in their bore-draw with Tunisia and Belgium did likewise and were genuinely lucky to beat a plucky, hard-working Canada. So, yeah, no problem - England's got this in the bag, haven't they? Ignoring, of course, the fact that both France and Spain looked stunning whilst doing exactly what England did and giving the team likely to finish bottom of their respective groups (Australia and Costa Rica) a damned good, hard, trousers down hiding. And Brazil haven't even played yet! So, all-in-all, the same as usual after five days of any World Cup. Nobody knows nothing!

Meanwhile, it is an age-old truism in football that one should never, ever, do this. But, I'm going to.

Sixual Feeling

England's World Cup campaign opened in a thoroughly convincing fashion as they outclassed Iran during an incident-packed Group B match in Doha. Gareth Southgate's side strolled to victory, with Iran's hopeless plight made worse after the early loss of their goalkeeper, Alireza Beiranvand, to concussion after a clash of heads with his team-mate Majid Hosseini. Jude Bellingham got England off the mark with a soaring header from Luke Shaw's pinpoint cross ten minutes before the break shortly after Harry Maguire had hit the bar. The game was effectively wrapped up before half-time thanks to Bukayo Saka's fine strike and Raheem Sterling's classy volley with the outside of his foot from Harry Kane's centre. Iran's supporters were given a moment of delight when Mehdi Taremi scored a fine goal after sixty five minutes but it only produced a ruthless response from England as Saka scored his second and substitute Marcus Rashford added a fifth with his first involvement - both smooth, composed strikes. To put the gloss on an incredibly dominant display, Jack Grealish slotted home from close range after a good run and square pass by follow substitute Callum Wilson. Iran did pull another back in injury time when Taremi slotted in a penalty after a John Stones foul. The game - which included a whopping twenty four minutes of added time across both halves - finished, as they used to say on the Grandstand vidiprinter, England 6 (SIX), Iran 2. It was played out against the backdrop of yet more off-field controversy after England (and several other nations) were forced to ditch plans to wear OneLove armbands promoting diversity and inclusivity under threat from those well-known appeasers of fascists and dictators FIFA of players being cautioned should they carry out the gesture. It is almost impossible to deliver any firm judgement on England's World Cup prospects given the paucity of Iran's opposition but this could hardly have gone better for Southgate as his one major selection decision reaped a rich dividend and the result was near perfect (though he still expressed some post-match dissatisfaction at his side conceding two sloppy goals). Iran were expected to provide stern resistance as they currently reside in the top twenty FIFA rankings and have a recent victory against Uruguay on their record but England made light work of the task once Bellingham gave them the lead. Bellingham is being touted as one of the emerging talents at this World Cup, the nineteen-year-old Borussia Dortmund player is already a target for a host of the game's elite names. Even in the context of this game, Bellingham showed exactly why as he joined Saka as the dominant force in this game, scoring his first England goal with a magnificent header and bestriding midfield with a complete authority that belied his tender years. This was only the second time England have scored six goals in a major tournament but, on this evidence, one would not bet against the brilliant Bellingham being involved the next time it happens. Southgate picked Saka ahead of Sheikh Yer Man City's Phil Foden, the only mildly contentious decision in his line-up, but there can be no arguments after a hugely impressive performance from the twenty one-year-old who has played such a big part as The Arse currently lead the Premier League. Saka scored twice and was a threat throughout and thoroughly deserved the warm applause he received when he was substituted. It will get harder for England as they face the United States and Wales but this was the perfect start. Iran suffered the early setback of losing goalkeeper Beiranvand to suspected concussion but this was never going to change the course of the game give the chasm in class between the two sides. Iran coach Carlos Quieroz hinted at a bold approach beforehand but once the game settled down following an opening twenty minutes littered with interruptions, this match was only going one way. Iran's many fans had a moment of joy when Taremi thumped home his finish but there was little else to celebrate in this game as their team took one Hell of a beating. This was not a day without great significance, however, as both Iran's players and supporters used this global stage to make their feelings clear about the growing human rights protests against the ruling regime in their homeland. Their national anthem was shouted down by the supporters and none of the Iran players joined in singing it. Iranian fans could also be heard chanting 'Ali Karimi' in the first-half in reference to the former footballer who is one of the most outspoken critics of the Islamic Republic and among the most popular faces of the protest movement. The fans could also be heard chanting 'Be-Sharaf', which means 'dishonourable' in Persian. This is an adjective that protesters have used against security forces in Iran. It's also a useful phrase to describe that risible coward and arsehole Gianni Infantino and his idiot views. Hundreds of fans missed the start of the match because of what was described as 'an issue' with FIFA's ticketing app.

The World Cup? But, It's Only November ...

This blogger is not sure that he's ever had a really nice dream which has lasted as long as three months. But, seriously, he really does need to wake up now. After all, there's school tomorrow ...

Leicester City midfielder James Maddison has been included in England's twenty six-man squad for the forthcoming World Cup in Qatar. Gareth Southgate has also picked The Scum's Marcus Rashford and this blogger's beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies in-form striker Callum Wilson, Sheikh Yer Man City full-back Kyle Walker and The Arse's defender Ben White. But AC Milan centre-back Fikayo Tomori, Brentford striker Ivan Toney and West Hamsters United forward Jarrod Bowen missed out. England face Iran in their World Cup opener on 21 November. They are joined in Group B by Welsh Wales and the United States of America. Sheikh Yer Man City midfielder Kalvin Phillips, despite only recently returning from two months out with a shoulder problem, is also in the squad, as is centre-back Harry Maguire, who has struggled to get a game for The Scum this season. The full England squad is: Goalkeepers: Jordan Pickford (Everton), Nick Pope (Newcastle United), Aaron Ramsdale (The Arse). Defenders: Harry Maguire (The Scum), Luke Shaw (The Scum), Eric Dier (Stottingtot Hotshots) John Stones (Shiekh Yer Man City), Kyle Walker (Sheikh Yer Man City), Kieran Trippier (Newcastle United), Conor Coady (Everton), Ben White (The Arse), Trent Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws). Midfielders: Jude Bellingham (Borussia Dortmund), Mason Mount (The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC), Conor Gallagher (The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC), Declan Rice (West Hamster United), Jordan Henderson (Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws), Kalvin Phillips (Sheikh Yer Man City). Forwards: James Maddison (Leicester City), Phil Foden (Sheikh Yer Man City), Jack Grealish (Sheikh Yer Man City), Harry Kane (Stottingtot Hotshots), Bukayo Saka (The Arse), Raheem Sterling (The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC), Callum Wilson (Newcastle United), Marcus Rashford (The Scum).

Maddison's inclusion is reward for his superb form for Leicester this season. He has been instrumental in The Foxes' resurgence following their piss poor start to the season and he has six goals and four assists in twelve Premier League games. His only cap for England came almost three years ago - in a Euro 2020 qualifier against Montenegro when he played thirty five minutes. 'He is playing really well,' said Southgate. 'He is a good player. We have always said he is a good player. He has earned the right. We think he can give something slightly different to the other attacking players we have. He is playing as well as any of the attacking players in this country and he is a bit different to the others.' Walker has proved his fitness to Southgate after undergoing groin surgery and not playing for more than a month. The England boss has also put his faith in Phillips, despite the midfielder having had injury struggles throughout this season. Phillips, who has had surgery on his shoulder, returned to action as a second-half substitute in Shiekh Yer Man City's two-nil win against The club formerly known as Moscow Chelski FC in the Carabao Cup on Wednesday. Rashford has not played for England since the Euro 2020 final defeat by Italy, but the forward has scored seven goals in all competitions for The Scum this season. This blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies' striker Wilson, who has scored six goals in ten games this season, joins his team-mates Pope and Trippier in the squad, a significant tribute to the way in which Eddie Howe's side have been playing. It is the first time that Newcastle have had three players in an England World Cup squad since 1998 (Alan Shearer, David Batty and Rob Lee). Wilson and England captain Harry Kane will be The Three Lions' main striking options for the World Cup. Like Brentford's Toney and West Hamsters' Bowen, Roma striker Tammy Abraham has been overlooked. 'We have wanted to make sure we have the balance of the squad right,' added Southgate. 'In this day and age squad is more important than ever with five substitutes. You want different options for different moments of matches and different stages of the tournament as well. We have had to cover a couple of players who are not fully match fit as well so having twenty six players means you can take a couple of risks. We think the balance is there. We think we have everything covered.'

For those dear blog readers who may be unfamiliar with what we're talking about here, association football is a sport which is played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Portugal are one of them, two teams of nine ... or eight ... - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport on the planet. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something that girls play. The game takes place on a pitch of rectangular grass or artificial turf. The object being to score by getting the ball into the opposing goal and then stopping them from doing the same to you. Fairly, of course. Or, if you're Italian, anyway you can. In general play, the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to use their hands to touch the ball although at least one late Argentine international tended to ignore that rule. The rest of the team use their feet to kick the ball. And, each other. Often. It's a game of two halves, Brian and, at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will be Over the Moon and the other lot will be Sick as a Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves and extra time. And then the Germans win on penalties. The game is frequently not controlled by an officious, whistle-happy berk aided by two visually-impaired prats with flags. It was invented by the English but, whisper it, we're not actually all that good at it. The Brazilians are. Usually. Except when they aren't. The Dutch and the French and the Spanish can be quite useful too but, more often than not, they end up fighting among themselves after a couple of matches. Which can be jolly amusing to watch. The game has many rules, most of which are self-explanatory. Except for offside (don't ask, trust me, we'll be here all day). Every four years the best thirty two nations in the world come together in a spectacularly expensive corporate brown-tongued hate-fest. Scotland usually don't take part. Because, as noted, it's a tournament for the world's thirty two best national sides. Thirty one of them go home muttering about bias, conspiracy, bad luck, dodgy red cards and 'that was never over the line.' There can be only one champion. A bit like the movie Highlander, only with less beheadings. Although, if you're ever seen Uruguay play ...

They'll Be In Europe Next Year ... If There's War

The top four Premier League teams will, as usual, qualify for the Champions League group stages. Shekih Yer Man City, The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC are already assured of top-four places. However, even if Liverpool win this season's Champions League final (they play Real Madrid on 28 May), there will be no extra place for English clubs. The title race is, as it has been since August, between City and The Pool, who are separated by but one point going into the final games on Sunday. The fourth Champions League place is between Stottingtot Hotshots and The Arse. Realistically, however, because of Spurs' vastly superior goal difference, they will finish in the top four unless they lose their final game (at Norwich) and Arsenal win theirs (at home to Everton). Liverpool's victories in both the FA Cup and theee Carabao Cup mean that the European places from those competitions automatically revert to the league. The fifth and sixth-placed Premier League teams will qualify for the Europa League group stage, while the seventh-placed team will earn a - much-coveted - place in the Europa Conference League play-off round. Sixth and seventh places is between The Scum and West Hamsters United and will be decided on the last day of the season (The Scum are at Crystal Palace, The Hamsters visit Brighton & Hove Albinos). Norwich's relegation was confirmed on 30 April when they lost to the Aston Villains, while Watford joined them on 7 May after their defeat at Crystal Palace. The final relegation place is between Burnley and Dirty Leeds following Everton's come-from-behind victory over Crystal Palace on Thursday.

Dear blog readers will, however, excuse this blogger if he fails to mention one of the best stories of the Premier League season, the unexpected (but, very welcome) turnaround in fortunes of his beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Newcastle United. On 20 November, twelve days after Eddie Howe was appointed to replace that odious stinker Steve Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him nasty) as manager, a draw with Brentford - coupled with Norwich beating Southampton - saw The Magpies sink to the foot of the table, winless after a dozen games and, seemingly, heading straight for the Championship. Fast forward a little over five months, a much-needed transfer window and eleven wins from eighteen games since January and Howe and his team now sit in twelfth place, the threat of relegation having long-since been banished. Sceptics - and, several of the odious Mister Bruice's big-mouthed fiends in the media - questioned whether Howe was the right appointment at St James' Park due to his attacking style of play. However, the dramatic u-turn in Th' Toon's form has silenced the doubters and made Howe a genuine hero to The Magpies' fanbase. So, many congratulations are due to 'the fellah from Bournemouth who got a team relegated' (according to his odious predecessor in the St James' Park dug-out). There are actual smiles on faces at Gallowgate these days, something notably absent during the majority of Mike Ashley's reign of misery.

Fulham clinched promotion back to the Premier League on 19 April with a three-nil win over Preston Both Ends and won the Championship title with a game to spare on 2 May, beating Luton seven-nil. Runners-up Bournemouth made sure of the second automatic promotion place on 3 May when defeating Nottingham Forest. In the play-off final at Wembley on 29 May, Huddersfield Town (who beat Luton in their semi-final) will face Nottingham Forest (who edged past Sheffield United on penalties amid a geet rive-on with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts). The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters missed out on the play-offs, thrashed at Preston on the final day of the season. Blackburn Rovers, Millwall and West Bromwich Albinos (the latter now managed by That Nasty Mister Brucie fellow) also failed to make the play-offs. Cash-strapped Derby County's relegation to League One was confirmed on 18 April after a defeat at Queens Park Strangers (the scowl on Wayne Rooney's boat-race could be seen from space, dear blog reader), whilst Barnsley joined them four days later after a two-nil loss at Huddersfield. Peterborough United became the third relegated club, losing at home to Nottingham Forest on 23 April. Reading, Birmingham City and Hull City all avoided the drop.

Wigan Not Very Athletic clinched promotion to the Championship and won the League One title when they beat Shrewsbury three-nil on the final day of the season. Rotherham United made sure of the second automatic promotion place, winning three-nil at Gillingham. In the play-off final on 21 May, Wycombe Wanderers (who beat Milton Keynes Dons in their semi-final) will face Sunderland after The Mackem Filth overcame Sheffield Wednesday. Plymouth Argyle, Oxford United, Notlob Wanderers and Ipswich Town were amongst those who were in contention for a play-off place for much of the season but, ultimately, missed out. Crewe Alexandra were the first EFL club to be relegated on 9 April when they lost two-nil to fellow strugglers Doncaster Rovers. Relegation was not confirmed for the other three clubs until the last day of the season as Doncaster drew at Oxford, AFC Wimbledon lost four-three to Accrington Stanley (who are they?) and Gillingham lost three-nil to Rotherham. Fleetwood Town avoided relegation due to their superior goal difference whilst Morecambe & Wise FC finished two points clear of the drop zone.

Forest Green Hippy Rovers - and their, much-sung-about, meat-free pies - booked their place in League One with a goalless draw at Bristol Rovers on 23 April, while Exeter City were promoted three days later after beating Barrow two-one at the other St James' Park. Forest Green made sure of the title, drawing two-two at Mansfield on the final day, when Joey Barton's Bristol Rovers dramatically clinched the third automatic promotion place with a sensational seven-nil victory over already relegated Scunthorpe. In the play-off semi-finals, Mansfield Town beat Northampton Town, while Port Vale defeated Swindon Town on penalties. Sutton United, Tranmere Rovers, Salford FC and Newport County were among those who threatened to challenge for the play-offs but fell short. The bottom two teams were relegated to the National League; Scunthorpe United on 15 April when they lost three-nil at Leyton Orient while Oldham Not Very Athletic (a Premier League club as recently as 1994) joined them after losing two-one to Salford on 23 April in a game which was completed behind closed doors after initially being abandoned following a pitch invasion by furious Latics fans. Barrow, Stevenage, Carlisle United, Harrogate Town, Rochdale and Hartlepool all limped to safety, largely due to the on-pitch ineptitude of the two relegated clubs.

National League Champions Stockport County were promoted to League Two after beating Halifax two-nil. In the first round of the play-offs, Notts County play Grimsby Town on 23 May while FC Halifax entertain Chesterfield the following day. The winner of Notts County or Grimsby will then visit Wrexham in the semi-finals on 28 May, while Halifax or Chesterfield will be away to Solihull Moors - with the semi-final winners meeting on 5 June for a place in League Two. The bottom three teams were relegated to the National League North or South. Dover Athletic, deducted twelve points for failing to complete their 2020-21 fixtures, were the first club from England's five major leagues to be relegated after a two-nil defeat by Yeovil Town on 19 March. They were joined by Weymouth on 26 April when they lost six-one to Wrexham and King's Lynn Town on 30 April after a three-all draw with Eastleigh. The champions and play-off winners of the North and South divisions will all be promoted to the National League, restoring it to twenty four clubs. Maidstone United clinched the Southern title on 30 April, with Gateshead making sure of the North title on 2 May. G'yiddip Th' Heed! Both of the play-off finals are on 21 May. York City host Boston United at the LNER Community Stadium whilst Dorking Wanderers and Ebbsfleet United compete for the Southern promotion slot.

Scottish Premier League champions Glasgow Celtic clinched the title on 11 May, drawing at Dundee United and will enter the Champions League at the group stage (following the ban of Russian clubs from UEFA's 2022-23 competitions). Runners-up Glasgow Rangers will enter the Champions League at the third qualifying round. They would have gone straight into the group stages if they had won the Europa League final this week but, they lost on penalties to Eintracht Frankfurt. Because both Rangers and third-placed Hearts have reached the Scottish Cup final, Hearts will enter the Europa League at the play-off round. Fourth-placed Dundee United gained a place in the Europa Conference League third qualifying round and fifth-placed Motherwell will enter the same competition at the second qualifying round. Bottom placed Dundee's relegation to the Scottish Championship was confirmed on 11 May after St Johnstone beat Aberdeen. Having finished eleventh, St Johnstone face Championship side Inverness Caledonian Thistle in a two-legged play-off on 20 and 23 May.

Kilmarnock were promoted to the Premiership after beating nearest Championship rivals Arbroath on 22 April. In the play-off final, Inverness Caledonian Thistle will meet St Johnstone for the final place in next season's Premiership. Bottom club Queen of the South were relegated to League One on 23 April. Ninth-placed Dunfermline Athletic were relegated on 7 May after losing their play-off semi-final to League One side Queen's Park. Cove Rangers were promoted to the Championship as League One champions on 23 April after beating Dumbarton, while Queen's Park earned the second promotion place, defeating Airdrieonians in the play-off final. East Fife were relegated to League Two on 16 April after losing three-one to Falkirk. Ninth-placed Dumbarton were relegated on 7 May after losing their play-off semi-final to League Two side Edinburgh City. League Two champions Kelty Hearts clinched automatic promotion with a win over Stenhousemuir on 26 March, while Edinburgh City were promoted on 13 May after overcoming Annan Athletic in the play-off final. Cowdenbeath were relegated to the Lowland League on 14 May after losing a play-off to Lowland champions Bonnyrigg Rose Athletic, who will replace them in League Two in 2022-23.

There will, as usual, be dancing in the streets of The New Saints. The Oswestry club won the Cymru Premier League for the fourteenth time by a record twenty one points and, in doing so, qualified for the Champions League. They then completed the double, winning the Welsh Cup final against Penybont. Linfield won the Northern Ireland Premiership, ahead of Cliftonville and Glentoran. Crusaders, Larne and Coleraine also qualified for the Europa Conference League play-offs.

A double from the Argentina striker Lautaro Martínez earned Internazionale a three-one win at Cagliari, a victory which ensured the Serie A title race will go to the final weekend. With the leaders, AC Milan, having beaten Atalanta two-nil at the San Siro earlier on Sunday, Inter had to win in Sardinia to keep the title race alive, going in front through Matteo Darmian. Martínez added a second after the break and Inter appeared on course for a comfortable ninth win in ten matches, before Charalampos Lykogiannis brought Cagliari back into the game. Inter suffered some nervous moments before Martinez's second secured the game. Victory meant that Inter remained two points behind their Milan rivals. The champions must beat Sampdoria on Sunday and hope AC lose at Sassuolo, if they are to retain the Scudetto. Elsewhere in Serie A, Napoli made sure they will finish third, ahead of Juventus, after a three-nil win over Genoa. In La Liga, where Real Madrid had already been crowned champions some weeks ago, a late header from Youssef En-Nesyri earned Sevilla a draw at Atlético Madrid, securing Champions League qualification despite extending their winless run to four games. With one match remaining, the result left Sevilla fourth on sixty seven points, three ahead of Real Betis, but with a better head-to-head record against their local rivals. The Copa Del Rey winners, who had already secured a Europa League spot, won two-nil at home against Granada. Barcelona were held to a goalless draw at Getafe, but still wrapped up second place ahead of Atlético to secure a spot in the lucrative Spanish Super Cup. Real Sociedad secured a spot in the Europa League after recovering from going a goal down to win two-one at Villarreal. They are sixth on sixty two points, six ahead of Unai Emery's Villarreal who could failed to qualify for European competitions entirely, after reaching the Champions League semi-finals earlier this season. They are only one point ahead of eighth-placed Athletic Bilbao, who won two-nil against Osasuna. Villarreal play Barcelona next Sunday while Sevilla play Bilbao, who are still fighting for seventh place and a spot in the Europa Conference League. Alavés were relegated following a three-one defeat by Levante, while a Rúben Sobrino strike earned Cádiz a reprieve as they kept alive their slim hopes of avoiding the drop with a home draw against Real Madrid. The four-times Bundesliga champions Werder Bremen won promotion to the top division after a one-year absence with a two-nil victory over Jahn Regensburg that sealed second spot in the second division. Fußballclub Gelsenkirchen-Schalke 04 had already secured the 2 Bundesliga championship and promotion back to the top flight a year after they were relegated. Hamburger SV came from a goal down to beat Hansa Rostock three-two and finish third ahead of Darmstadt on goal difference. This sets up a play-off with Hertha Berlin in Hamburg's attempt to return to the top flight after four years. Hertha, who finished sixteenth in the Bundesliga, are managed by the former Hamburg great Felix Magath. Fußball-Club Bayern München, Borussia Dortmund, Bayer Leverkusen and RB Leipzig secured the top-four spots and places in the Champions League. Union Berlin and SC Freiburg earned Europa League finishes whilst Köln grabbed a Europa Conference League place ahead of Mainz, Hoffenheim and Borussia Mönchengladbach.

Paris Saint Germain had already won Lique Une long before their four-nil victory over Montpellier and are currently fifteen points clear of second placed Monaco before the final round of matches. Third placed Marseille and Rennes sit in the other Champions League places although Strasbourg and Nice both have a mathematical chance of finishing fourth. Lens, Lyon, Nantes and Lille complete the top ten. Metz, Brodeaux and one of the cult sides of the 1970s, Saint-Étienne, were relegated. Ajax were crowned Dutch champions with an emphatic five-nil victory over Heerenveen at the Johan Cruijff Arena, giving Scumchester United-bound coach Ten Hag the perfect send-off. The Amsterdam club, who have now extended their record number of domestic league titles to thirty six, finished four points clear of second-placed PSV Eindhoven. Ten Hag ended his four-and-a-half-year stay at the club with a third Eredivisie title. Feyenoord, FC Twente, AZ Alkmaar, SBV Vitesse Arnhem, FC Utrecht and SC Heerenveen also secured qualification for European competitions whilst Heracles Almelo, Willem II and PEC Zwolle were relegated. Go Ahead Eagles, to the relief of the legion of non-Dutch fans, finished thirteenth. In the Portuguese Primeira as expected, The Big Three - FC Porto, Sporting Lisbon and Benfica - occupied the top three places. Others who will be competing in next season's Champions League include Club Brugge and Union Saint-Gilloise (Belgium), RB Salzburg and Sturm Graz (Austria), Shakhtar Donetsk and Dynamo Kyiv (Ukraine - assuming the Russians haven't bombed them to oblivion by then), Trabzonspor (Turkey), FC København and Midtjylland (Denamrk) and Apollon Limassol (Cyprus). And, Qarabağ (Azerbaijan), Malmö FF (Sweden), Ludogorets Razgrad (Bulgaria), Sheriff Tiraspol (Moldova), CFR Cluj (Romania), Bodø/Glimt (Norway), Ferencváros (Hungary), Slovan Bratislava (Slovakia), HJK (Finland), Inter Club d'Escaldes (Andorra), Žalgiris (Lithuania), Lincoln Red Imps (Gilbraltar), Shamrock Rovers (Eire), Zrinjski (Bosnia & Herzegovina), Sutjeska Nikšić (Montenegro), Shakhtyor Soligorsk (Belarus), KÍ Klaksvík (Faroe Islands), Lech Poznań (Poland), F91 Dudelange (Luxembourg), Hibernians (Malta), FC Tobol (Kazakhstan), Shkupi (North Macedonia), RFS (Latvia), Dinamo Batumi (Georgia), Tirana (Albania), Ballkani (Kosovo), FCI Levadia (Estonia), Víkingur Reykjavík (Iceland), Dinamo Zagreb (Croatia), Olympiacos (Greece), Viktoria Plzeň (Czech Republic), Maccabi Haifa (Israel) and Fussballclub Zürich (Switzerland), plus the - as yet undecided - winners of the domestic leagues in Serbia, San Marino, Slovenia and Armenia. But, definitely not Zenit St Petersburg. They're extremely banned from the competition. Due, mainly, to the criminally-deranged activities of their nasty President (and, his very small penis). Liechtenstein is the only UEFA member nation not to have their own league and hence do not have a spot in the Champions League. Liechtensteinian club sides play in the Swiss regional leagues, with FC Vaduz currently playing in the second highest Swiss division (The Challenge League).

Draws

England could face The Scotch or Wales at the World Cup in Qatar after the draw for the tournament's finals was made on Friday. One of Wales, Scotland or Ukraine will go into Group B after the remaining European play-off path is completed. Iran and the USA have also been drawn in England's group. The World Cup takes place between 21 November and 18 December, with Senegal playing the Netherlands in the tournament's opening game. England's first fixture, taking place later on the same day, sees them take on Iran. The two sides have never met in a senior competitive international. The game will take place eight days after the Premier League begins a six-week break. Reigning champions France are in Group D while Brazil, who returned to number one in the FIFA rankings in March, are in Group G. Wales, seeking to reach their first World Cup since 1958, will have to overcome the winners of Scotland and Ukraine in the play-off final in June. However, that game - which had been scheduled to take place on 24 March at Hampden - was postponed because of Russia's invasion of Ukraine. The full draw is: Group A: Qatar, Ecuador, Senegal, Netherlands. Group B: England, Iran, USA, Wales or Scotland or Ukraine. Group C: Argentina, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Poland. Group D: France, UAE or Australia or Peru, Denmark, Tunisia. Group E: Spain, Costa Rica or New Zealand, Germany, Japan. Group F: Belgium, Canada, Morocco, Croatia. Group G: Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon. Group H: Portugal, Ghana, Uruguay, South Korea. After playing Iran on 21 November, England face the USA on 25 November before finishing their Group B campaign on 29 November against one of Scotland, Wales or Ukraine. The winner of the remaining European play-off will open their World Cup campaign against the USA on the first day of the tournament. Should Scotland progress they will play England at a World Cup finals for the first time. The two sides met at last summer's Euro 2020 tournament with the game ending goalless. Wales and England have never met at a World Cup finals either (hardly surprising since Wales have only ever made the final stages once). England won two-one when the sides met in the group stage at Euro 2016. 'We've got to get out of the group,' said England manager Gareth Southgate. 'Out first objective is to get out of the group and then we build from there. When you're seeded you get the advantage of missing out on those big six or seven teams. Most of the first seeds would be pleased with the group they get. The USA are an interesting one. They've got some very good players and we know what they could be capable of, so that one in particular is an intriguing one.' The winner of England's group could meet world champions France in the quarter-finals. Topping - or, indeed, Telly Topping - Group B means a last-sixteen game with the runners-up in Group A, which contains the Netherlands, Ecuador, Senegal and hosts Qatar. Should France top Group D they will face the runners-up in Group C. Group E sees former world champions Spain and Germany drawn together. They will meet in their second group game on 27 November. The highly-fancied Belgians are in Group F alongside 2018 runners-up Croatia. Cristiano Ronaldo's Portugal are in Group H, which also sees Ghana and Uruguay meet in a rematch of the controversial 2010 World Cup Quarter-Final tie. In that game, Luis Suarez handled on the line to deny the Ghanaians a winner in the last minute of extra time. The United States will call on history - they beat England in the 1950 World Cup and drew in South Africa in 2010 - but reality insists they will be huge underdogs, even if they have a very respectable FIFA ranking of fifteenth. Usually all the teams would be known before the World Cup draw but this year three positions are yet to be decided. Russia's invasion of Ukraine has delayed the European play-off, while the coronavirus pandemic accounts for the other delays. Two intercontinental finals will be played in Qatar on 13 and 14 June. Costa Rica and New Zealand meet in one and, in the other, Peru will play the winner of the United Arab Emirates and Australia, who meet in the Asian play-off in Doha on 7 June. Those games were moved from March because of knock-on effects of the pandemic in each continent. All the Oceania qualifiers were played from 17-30 March in a mini-tournament in Qatar. European champions Italy are the most notable absentees after their play-off defeat by North Macedonia, though they did also miss out on the last World Cup. Russia also miss out after being disqualified from the play-offs following their country's invasion of Ukraine (and, the fact that their President has a very tiny member). Norway failed to qualify, meaning Borussia Dortmund's Erling Braut Haaland will have to wait for his major tournament debut. Mohamed Salah and Egypt will not be there either after losing to Senegal on penalties. Nigeria, Algeria and Côte d'Ivoire are also missing from Africa, while South American World Cup regulars Colombia and Chile also failed to qualify. And, there was also no place in the finals for The Federated States of Micronesia. Which is a shame. Meanwhile, the secretary general of the 2022 Qatar World Cup jas claimed, wrongly, that criticism by players and managers has been 'ill-informed' and the nation 'should not be apologetic' about hosting the tournament. Which no one has, this blogger believes, ever said that it should. On the other hand it should be apologetic over its disgraceful human rights record and treatment of gay people. Qatar has strict anti-LGBTIQ+ laws, while there are also concerns over the treatment of migrant workers (an unconfirmed number of who are said to have died during the construction of stadiums for the forthcoming tournament). 'Some people have made statements that in my opinion were ill-informed,' Hassan Al-Thawadi told BBC Sport's editor Dan Roan. Al-Thawadi added: 'We should not be apologetic over our ambitions to host this tournament because we are football loving region. We are football crazy and football mad like anywhere else. We have the legitimate ambition to showcase our region to the rest of the world and to change people's perception of who we are.' Homosexuality is illegal in Qatar and human rights organisation Amnesty International say women and LGBTIQ+ people 'continue to face discrimination in law and practice.' England manager Gareth Southgate has said it would be 'a great shame' that some fans will feel they cannot attend the World Cup because of concerns over their own safety, while captain Harry Kane said he wants to 'shine a light' on the issues surrounding the Qatar tournament. Netherlands manager Louis van Gaal has suggested holding the event in the Middle Eastern country was 'about money' and 'commercial interests.' No shit, Sherlock. On how Qatar's laws can be reconciled with football's focus on inclusivity and anti-discrimination, Al-Thawadi claimed, unconvincingly: 'We have always said everybody is welcome. What we will ensure is everybody will be safe. Everybody will feel secure. [We are] inviting the world to come to visit Qatar, to visit the Arab world, and to understand again, for us, we're a relatively conservative country, which means public display of affection is something that is not within our culture. But hospitality and welcoming people from different parts of the world into our country is part of our culture.' He added: 'We've done this over the last few years and we have people from different walks of life who have made a home for themselves in Qatar. I think the nature of these tournaments is it allows people from different walks of life to be able to experience and understand different cultures.' A report in the Gruniad Morning Star in February 2021 claimed that over six thousand migrant workers have died in the country since the World Cup was awarded in 2010. Qatar 2022 dispute these figures but have not commented publicly on them, while the Qatar government said in a statement: 'The mortality rate among these communities is within the expected range for the size and demographics of the population.' Asked if the 2022 tournament was sportswashing, Al-Thawadi said 'that could not be further from the truth.' One or two people even believed him.