This blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies matched their record Premier League win with a scintillating display as they embarrassed and shame winless, witless and knackerless Sheffield United at Bramall Lane. Any fears of a European hangover following Newcastle's Champions League exertions on Tuesday in Milan soon vanished as Eddie Howe's men cruised to victory with eight different players getting on the scoresheet in an eight (that's EIGHT) nil thrashing of some Blades that just weren't sharp enough. Sean Longstaff put the visitors in front on twenty one minutes as he swept in from Anthony Gordon's cutback with bottom-of-the-table Blades' appeals for a handball and claims the ball went out of play in the build-up, rightly, dismissed. Because it wasn't and it didn't, basically. Paul Heckingbottom's hapless hosts had started relatively brightly but then found themselves three goals down before half-time after further two strikes in four minutes for Newcastle. Both came from immaculate Kieran Trippier set-pieces with Dan Burn stooping to head in a corner at the back-post despite almost having his shirt ripped from his back before Sven Botman scored his first Newcastle goal with a well-directed glancing header from Tripper's free-kick following a disgraceful tackle on Longstaff by Robinson who, astonishingly, didn't get a straight red card for what was, effectively, assault. In fact the only things that spoiled an otherwise perfect forty five minutes (plus six minutes added time) for United was Callum Wilson missing a trio of chances (two quite difficult admittedly but one, a relative sitter) and a mystifyingly dubious VAR call depriving Anthony Gordon of a penalty award when he, clearly, had his ankle kicked by a defender. Wilson may have missed three presentable opportunities before the break but got his goal ten minutes into the second-half, heading home in front of a jubilant away end as Trippier completed his own personal treble of assists with another pinpoint cross to mark a half-century of league outings for the club. Five minutes later Elliot Anderson (who had a fine game) passed to Gordon (easily the man of the match) and the winger unleashed an unstoppable effort which curled into the goal - prompting another wave of disconsolate Blades fans to rise from their seats and go home. It was six after sixty eight minutes as Bruno Guimarães played in Miggy Almirón and the Paraguayan finished expertly, having earlier seen another close-range finish correctly ruled out for offside. Eddie Howe then had the luxury of making a trio of replacements; Sandro Tonali, Alexander Isak and Tino Livramento joining the action, replacing Almirón, Wilson and Trippier respectively. Later, recent signing Lewis Hall made his United debut with fifteen minutes remaining. United had already beaten their record Premier League away goal tally but Bruno collected a sliced Longstaff shot to slot the ball in for a seventh. His celebrations included a message to the travelling supporters after recent speculation about his future at the club: 'I'm fuckin' stayin' here!' Isak then produced the coolest of finishes, somewhat reminiscent of Peter Beardsley's memorable goal at Portsmouth all those years ago, leaving defenders sprawling on their arse as he tucked the ball past the shell-shocked custodian Wes Foderingham three minutes from the end. Thus, rounding off what was the nearest thing to a cricket score seen since Yorkshire took their leave of Bramall Lane in 1973.
Unlikely as it seems given the scoreline, Newcastle started relatively slowly and it was the home side which looked the more threatening in the opening exchanges. That all changed the moment the first goal went in and Gordon was key to it, twisting smartly on the byeline before finding Longstaff to finish. Gordon was only on the pitch because of a nasty toe injury to Harvey Barnes but the winger's introduction changed the game. While the match became something of a procession in the second-half, it was the pace and trickery of Gordon down the left that helped Newcastle get into such a position. 'They can't handle Gordon. He is causing them all sorts of problems,' Clinton Morrison told Radio 5Live listeners at half-time. 'They just can't deal with him.' At least, this blogger thinks that's what he said. Smart bloke, Clinton, a snappy dresser and he's always highly entertaining on Sky Sports' Soccer Saturday but this blogger wishes he'd speak proper English occasionally! After a somewhat underwhelming start to their league campaign - losing three of their first five games, albeit against three teams whom a lot of sides are going to lose to this season, Sheikh Yer Man City, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Brighton & Hove Albinos - this was a statement win for United which will keep spirits high at St James' Park and add to the belief that they can make their mark domestically, as well as in Europe, this season. For Sheffield, several choruses of 'Are you Sunderland in disguise?' and 'Premier League? You're havin' a laugh' from the visitors suggest they may be in for a long, hard nine months.
Though, at least one Blade was thoughtful enough to bring a good book along with her in case of emergencies.
