Derby Day Napsters

Yer Keith Topping had a thoroughly entertaining afternoon on Sunday watching the Tyne-Wear Derby, dear blog reader. In which his beloved, though still unsellable, Magpies defeated 'them lot from doon the road' 5-1 in what was, by the end, a bit of a hiding. What a pity, however, that Darren Bent scored that goal for Sunderland right at the end, thus robbing newspaper sub-editors everywhere of the chance to use Wey-Aye Five-Oh for a headline on Monday morning! For anyone who believed that Chris Hughton might struggle to survive much longer as a Premier League manager - and, if anyone can work out exactly where that rumour actually started, let me know, because yer Keith Telly Topping is pretty convinced it didn't originate anywhere within a twelve mile radius of Tyneside - or who imagined that Big Titus Shambles really had re-invented himself as an ultra-calm and reliable Premier League quality centre-half with the Black Cats it was an assumption-challenging sort of afternoon. St James Park was near its fifty two thousand capacity as the one hundred and forty first league meeting between two of British football's oldest, and bitterest, local rivals took place. Sunderland's Newcastle-born manager Steve Bruce return to his 'beloved' St James' Park, his words not mine, and the club he supported as a boy (something which he occasionally mentions in interviews, you might have noticed) accompanied by a squad of players who, as nufc.com observed in their pre-match coverage, 'also spend much of their time on Tyneside - living there, socialising there, attending police stations and magistrates courts etc.' Now, now - we've got one or two of those ourselves! Those who subscribe to the view that a four-four-two formation represents 'yesterday's men' in football terms or believe that Shola Ameobi was a Premier League striker with an uncanny ability to miss the barn door from three feet, were also in for a disquieting afternoon as preconceptions were thoroughly shattered just as emphatically as Sunderland's seven-match unbeaten league run. Mike Ashley, Newcastle's much-hated owner, is unlikely to think about sacking Hughton after his side dramatically exorcised the memory of a series of recently disappointing home performances at the expense of their fiercest rivals. Although, with that buffoon Ashley and his guffawing non-entity of a sidekick, Derek Llambias in the boardroom, you can never be too certain about pretty much anything. Hughton - keeping the four-four-two system that worked so well in United's win at West Ham last week - saw his tactical plans pay-off and Big Titus experienced a torrid return to Gallowgate being thoroughly terrorised by both Ameobi and Andy Carroll before getting himself sent off for a pointless hack on Carroll when the latter was through one-on-one with Simon Mignolet early in the second-half. By that stage, however, the game as a contest was all but over. Ameobi scored twice, once from a penalty in first-half injury time, whilst a resurgent Kevin Nolan registered a memorable hat-trick, United's first in a derby match since Peter Beardsley scored a memorable one on New Year's Day 1985. Small wonder then that, in the away dug-out, Steve Bruce, a Walker lad and childhood United fan (has he mentioned that recently?), but one who - allegedly - twice turned down the chance to become manager at St James', endured possibly the most uncomfortable afternoon of his tenure in charge of Sunderland. What a shame. Ironically it was Hughton looked the more nervous of the two as he shook hands with Bruce before the kick-off. He need not have worried. At the end of a manic first-half featuring lots of blood and thunder, some downright tasty tackling, precious little midfield possession but a considerable amount of excitement over the kind of football the English league used to specialise in, United were three goals to the good. Sunderland were, perhaps, the better side for the first quarter of an hour but, once United's midfield - and particularly the impressive Joey Barton on the right - began to get the ball down and knock it around - the home side grew in confidence and strength. The first goal arrived on twenty six minutes when Barton's corner was headed on in a crowded penalty area by Ameobi. Despite striking the dropping ball with his back to goal from an almost horizontal position, Nolan somehow flicked it over his shoulder and above Phil Bardsley into the roof of the net at the Gallowgate End. Sunderland's defensive record has been much improved this season but they regressed to some bad habits from the days of yore when conceding the second, eight minutes later. Their backline was all over the place as Andy Carroll - who had a splendid game up front - collected a blocked Jonás Gutiérrez effort with a wild scissor kick. It broke in the box and fell for the unattended Nolan, marginally onside, who had time to not only bring the ball down but recover from a slightly dodgy first touch before coolly shooting his sixth goal of the season. Bruce immediately brought his thirteen million pound Ghana striker, Asamoah Gyan off the bench as, with Ahmed Elmohamady withdrawn, he switched from four-five-one to four-four-two, a significant tribute to Hughton having won the tactical battle for the opening stages. Within minutes, though, Bruce's side were three down, Ameobi scoring clinically from the penalty spot after Nedum Onuoha tripped Gutiérrez as he surged into the box. It got worse for Sunderland early in the second half. Bramble, the former Newcastle centre-half, and looking every inch the lumbering plank he appeared to be for much of his time at Gallowgate, marked his return to Tyneside by being shown a straight red card for sending the accelerating Carroll crashing just outside the area. And, how the crowd enjoyed that after some of the comments Shambles had made about Newcastle supporters since he left the club. Quite rightly referee Phil Dowd judged Bramble had to go. Dowd himself had a decent, if a bit erratic, game being authoritative but at least communicating with the players unlike many of the more stand-offish referees. He did, however, make something of a rod for his own back early on by dishing out three or four pointless yellow cards which meant that, the longer the game went on, he had to carry on in the same manner. The game was tough and physical but never nasty and, of the nine yellow cards that accompanied Bramble's red it was probably only a late tackle by Cheik Tiote, an annoyed Lee Cattermole having a swipe at Jose Enrique and, late on, a cynical foul by Michael Turner on Carroll that actually deserved their cautions. I was particularly unimpressed by Danny Simpson being shown the yellow card for a tackle in which he missed Gyan by some feet but played the ball into touch. It appeared that it was Gyan's outraged reaction to a perfectly fair tackle which then got Simpson booked. That sort of thing - players getting fellow professionals booked or sent off by either feigning injury or reacting angrily to perfectly legal tackles is - I must admit, something which makes yer Keith Telly Topping's blood boil, so it does. Cattermole had been in a running battle with Nolan all match and Bruce, perhaps wisely, decided to take the booked Subnderland captain off and replace him with John Mensah. The Ghanan centre-back's first contribution was to bring down Carroll just outside the area from which he was lucky not to join Cattermole in the book. He was soon cautioned, however, for making his mouth go following a bit of handbags with Nolan before a corner. Ameobi volleyed a fourth goal after a Carroll header rebounded off the bar before creating the fifth himself by nodding on a corner from which Nolan completed his hat-trick. Although Darren Bent claimed a late goal it proved no sort of consolation to Bruce or his players who will probably feel like spending the coming week indoors with the curtains closed. And, the only disappointed people will be those sub-editors previously mentioned. The win lifted Newcastle above their local rival in the Premier League table to seventh. Can we stop the season now, please, that'll do yer Keith Telly Topping.

In somewhat related news, yer Keith Telly Topping had a very nice e-mail earlier this week from Colin, the lad who runs the independent Sunderland website, Salut! Sunderland to ask me if I'd like to do an interview with them in a semi-regular slot where they talk to a fan of their next opponents about all-things-f-word-related (Who Are You?). A sort of 'be nice to a tame Magpie for the day', if you like! Which I was delighted to do. Check it out, it's one of yer Keith Telly Topping's - slightly - more articulate rants than usual on the subject of his beloved (though, still unsellable) Magpies. I'd previously talked to Colin's website a couple of years back when the age old story of when, exactly, Tony Blair started supporting Newcastle came up yet again.

Big Mal

Malcolm Allison, the coach who helped inspire Manchester City to great success in the late 1960s, has died at the age of eighty three. Allison arrived at City in 1965 as assistant manager to Joe Mercer. The club went on to win the Second Division crown in 1966, the League title in 1968, FA Cup in 1969 and European Cup-Winners Cup and League Cup in 1970. Allison managed elevens clubs at home and abroad in a lengthy career, leading Sporting Lisbon to the Portuguese League and Cup double in 1982. He took charge of Crystal Palace on two separate occasions and also had spells as manager of Bath, Plymouth, Galatasaray, Toronto City, Middlesbrough and Bristol Rovers. During his playing days, Allison made more than two hundred and fifty appearances as a ball-playing centre half for West Ham, before losing a lung as the result of tuberculosis in 1958. He was part of the famed academy - a clutch of young, eager football theorists like John Bond and Noel Cantwell who amended the team's tactics after being inspired by the brilliant 1953 Hungarian side. Graduating into coaching with West Ham's youth team, Allison was credited with kick-starting the career of one of his first protégés, Bobby Moore. Big Mal - as he was known - always had an eye for publicity, and was famed for the Lucky Fedora which he wore during Crystal Palace's lengthy 1976 cup run and his love of cigars - but his later years were dogged by ill health. A statement on the Manchester City website read: 'Flamboyant, brilliant and larger than life, Malcolm will be sorely missed by everyone at the Club and beyond.' City plan to pay tribute to Malcolm at the forthcoming game against Arsenal, and have also pledged 'an appropriate commemoration to his life and work in the memorial garden at the City of Manchester Stadium.' Mike Summerbee told BBC Radio Manchester that Allison was 'the greatest coach this country ever had. And still is, without a shadow of a doubt.' He added: 'Joe Mercer was the figurehead but Malcolm Allison was the key to the door, really. He brought fitness levels to football that are still there now. He was the forerunner of fitness and tactics way beyond his time. We were doing things in 1965 on running machines at Salford University with massage based fitness, we trained in Wythenshawe Park with Derek Ibbotson and some of the Salford rugby league lads - that's how hard it was and how good it was. He was just quite an amazing man. A great personality and a well read man as well, a very intelligent person. He was a character. His life was full, every day he lived his life and his enjoyment was a pleasure for us as well. We worked hard together and we enjoyed ourselves together and he was a great personality and gave you the confidence to believe in yourself as a footballer.' His life in football was never far from controversy, Allison becoming a regular in the tabloids because of his relationships with, among others, Christine Keeler of the Profumo scandal and two Miss United Kingdom winners. In 1976 the Football Association charged him with disrepute because of a News of the World photograph showing him in the Crystal Palace players' bath with the risqué actress Fiona Richmond, who he had invited to a training session. Allison's TV appearances on ITV's panel of experts during the 1970 and 1974 World Cups remain the stuff of legend. He was one of the first celebrity managers - pre-Brian Clough - and a member of ITV Sport's innovative World Cup panel, led by Brian Moore, at the Mexico World Cup in 1970. Forget Pele, Champagne Malcolm was the undoubted star of the tournament. Packing an enormous cigar - sometimes blowing smoke into fellow panel member Derek Dougan's face to put the Irishman off - and looking as though he'd been having a great time in the Green Room beforehand, Malcolm used the opportunity to give the viewers his - never dull - thoughts on many aspects of the world of football and beyond: 'Why are we technically better in Europe? Because we play against peasants!' Either that, or he'd spend the programme criticising Dougan's choice of shirt. Skill!

No Go, Togo - Or, Where Have All The Club-A-Go-Gos Went-Went?

The head of the Togolese Football Federation has confirmed that the team which played a match against Bahrain last week was 'completely fake.' Chairman Seiyi Memene told the Associated Press that the FTF did not know the players who competed in the friendly game at Bahrain's National Stadium in Riffa. Memene said: 'We cannot send our players to play friendly matches abroad without the approval of FIFA. The players that took part in the friendly match against Bahrain were completely fake. We have not sent any team of footballers to Bahrain. The players are not known to us.' Chief of staff at Togo's sports ministry, Nabine Gnonh, confirmed that investigations had been launched and added: 'We don't have precise information at this point. We haven't received the list of the players who played this match and we still have to check if they were members of the national team.' The Bahrain Football Association also launched an inquiry into the match at the weekend after it was suggested that it was sold to the country by 'a fake footballer's agent.' Speaking to the Gulf Daily News, a BFA spokesman appeared to reject the claim, while noting that 'everything seemed to be in order until after the game.' Bahrain national team head coach, Josef Hickersberger, told the GDN that the poor performance of the Togo side was 'a a wasted opportunity' ahead of the West Asian Football Federation Championship, which starts on 24 September. 'Togo did not play their best team; for sure none of their professional players were there, I know some of them and didn't see any of them,' he said. 'They were not fit enough to play ninety minutes; the match was very boring, and basically it was not good for us because we wanted to get information about the strength of our team, especially playing with many of our professionals.' The publication went on to report that a letter listed a twenty-member Togo team, including each player's passport number and date of birth. However, a completely different list of eighteen players was provided by a team official a few minutes before the start of the match. Bahrain easily won the match 3-0.

England's back-to-back wins in their opening Euro 2012 qualifiers have resulted in them moving up one place to sixth in the - of course, completely meaningless - FIFA world rankings. Spain remain in top spot, ahead of the Netherlands, with Germany third, Brazil fourth and Argentina staying in fifth. England are just ahead of Uruguay, Portugal and African's top rated side Egypt. Chile complete the current top ten. The Republic of Ireland have risen three places to thirty third, with Northern Ireland's recent impressive start to their Euro campaign seeing them jump fourteen places to forty fifth, Scotland are forty seventh (though, God only knows how much lower they'd've been if one hundred and forty first placed Liechtenstein had held on for a point at Hampden) and Wales eighty fourth. France's recent poor form has dropped them to an all-time low of twenty seventh. Following their disastrous World Cup campaign, new coach Laurent Blanc's side lost their opening Euro 2012 qualifier at home to Belarus, although they subsequently beat Bosnia. Italy, after their own dreadful World Cup are currently thirteenth. England, of course, also had a poor World Cup campaign in South Africa this summer - although they got further than both France and Italy - but have since enjoyed something of a resurgence in the Euro 2012 qualifiers. Fabio Capello's side beat Bulgaria 4-0 and Switzerland 3-1 earlier this month. FIFA updated the standings, which take in results over a four-year cycle, using one hundred and fifty nine international matches played over five weeks. San Marino, Anguilla, Montserrat, American Samoa, Central African Republic and Papua New Guinea are joint two hundred and second (and last) rated, just behind Andorra.

The Agony & The Ecstacy

The 2012 European Championships qualifying groups kicked off over the past few days with some expected results but more than a fair share of surprises. Actually, that's not strictly speaking true - the tournament actually started over a month ago when, for some bizarre reason, Estonia played the Faroe Islands in Tallinn and Kaimar Saag's injury-time winner gave the Estonians the points. But, to all intents and purposes, the tournament as a spectacle kicked off with a series of matches over the weekend. England began their campaign on Friday with a comfortable 4-0 win over the hapless Bulgars at Wembley, a Jermaine Defoe hat-trick temporarily banishing bitter memories of that appalling and woeful World Cup fiasco which we all had to sit through. Capello's miserable band of over-paid, under-performing prima donnas at least conspired to continue their moderately - and I do use that word, please note - impressive start with the further 3-1 victory in Basel last night. The very lively Adam Johnson hit his second goal in two internationals, the Bent Mackem also scored, as did Rooney. This time, on the pitch. Lazio's Stephan Lichtsteiner was sent off for a rather crude hack on James Milner although the Swizz did score the best goal of the game, Xherdan Shaqiri hammering a twenty five yard spanker past a curiously nervous-looking Joe Hart. England currently lead Group G with six points from their two games. Montenegro also have two wins from two, a victory in Sofia last night following their giving the Welsh a damned good fisting at the weekend. A result which ultimately led to John Toshack leaving the job of national coach with the pithy comment 'I've taken the boys as far as I can, there are no longer any senior players left in the squad for me to upset, so, with that in mind, I think it's time for me to call it a day.'

Elsewhere, in Group A, Germany and Turkey look to be running away with that one already, both with two wins from two. Ze Chermans 6-1 win over Azerbaijan (Klose and Podolski, inevitably, being among the goals) and Turkey's narrow victory over ten-man Belgium being the highlights of the group so far. In the night's other match, Austria beat Kazakhstan 2-0. Group B also has two teams with a one hundred per cent record - the Republic of Ireland who had a comfortable win over Andorra following Friday's victory in Armenia, and Slovakia. The Slovak's victory over a very disappointing Russia in Moscow last night was, probably, the surprise of the entire tournament so far, although it possibly shouldn't have been as they looked a more than decent side in the World Cup. Remember that victory over the, admittedly rather poor, Italians?

And, speaking of the Eyeties, they've got off to a cracking start in Group C with, again, a one hundred per cent record of two wins from two. They beat Estonia in Tallinn on Friday and followed that up with a comfortable 5-0 walloping of the Faroe Islands in Florence. Pirlo, Quagliarella and De Rossi were among the goalscorers. Their main threat in the group will likely come from Serbia - four points from their two games so far - and Nigel Worthington's Northern Ireland whose usually dogged home form has now been allied with an ability to pick up results away too. As in their one game so far, Corry Evans giving them victory over Slovenia.

Group D appears to be the most wide open of the lot, especially after the favourites, France, continued their horrible World Cup form with an opening day defeat at home to Belarus. Dinamo Minsk's Syarhey Kislyak scored an eighty sixth minute winner that did for Les Bleus in the Stade de France. Florent Malouda's goal in a 2-0 victory over Bosnia-Hercegovina yesterday at least gives the French some points on the board but they're already behind Belarus - who followed their victory in Paris with a draw against struggling Romania - and surprise packages Albania who also have four points from two games. Albeit that does include a hard-fought 1-0 win against Luxembourg.

In Group E, it looks to be a two-horse-race between Sweden and the Netherlands. Zlatan Ibrahimović was rampant in the Swedes 6-0 win over group minnows San Marino just four days after the Sammarinese had run into Schalke's Klaas-Jan Huntelaar who was also in genuinely sparkling form. He scored a hat-trick in Friday's 5-0 victory. Huntelaar also scored both goals in the Oranj's 2-1 win against Finland in Feijenoord last night. With five goals already, he's way out in front as the tournament's leading scorer. Elsewhere in the group, Hungary - long overdue a good international tournament campaign - beat Moldova 2-1.

Croatia appear to be the obvious form-team in Group F although they were unable to find a way past the stubborn Greeks in their second match following an emphatic 3-0 win in Lativa. Israel are the other Group F team with four points, having beaten Malta 3-1 in Ramat Gan last Thursday and then drawn 0-0 in Georgia. Yossi Benayoun's hat-trick in the Malta game makes him the group's leading scorer. With just one goal in two games, and two points, Greece appear to be carrying on where they left off in the World Cup by trying to bore all the other teams to death.

Utter strangeness abounds in Group H where Norway's win in Iceland and subsequent 1-0 victory over Portugal see them comfortably at the top of the group. Denmark, who've won their only game so far - also 1-0 against Iceland - are in second place. But the big news here is the fact that Portugal have only managed one point so far. Their opening game was an extraordinary 4-4 draw with Cyprus in Guimarães. Andreas Avraam's last minute equaliser came after the Cypriots had led twice and Mark Clattenburg had, remarkably, got through a match booking only one player. Mind you, that was for 'looking at me in a funny way' so, let's not laud him too much.

Perhaps the biggest load of fun and games thus far have come in Group I. Scotland have a marginal lead in the group but that only tells a fraction of the story as, following a point in their opening game in Lithuania, the Scots were within seconds of drawing with Liechtenstein at Hampden Park. The part-timers from the mountains took the lead in the first minute of the second half through one of their few professionals, thirty six year old captain Mario Frick. Kenny Miller equalised twenty minutes later but it wasn't until the seventh minute of injury time that a Stephen McManus header from a corner spared Craig Levein's team what would have been, by general consensus, Scotland's most embarrassing result in their entire international history. Liechtenstein, currently ranked one hundred and forty first in the world and with a population some two thousand less than the crowd which attended the game in Glasgow were actually the better team for large chunks of the game. The Liechtenstein manager, Hans‑Peter Zaugg, after stressing he was proud of his players, questioned why two minutes more than had been allocated for stoppage time was played. 'They showed five minutes and played seven,' he said. 'I could take half a minute, but no more. But we weren't cheated, Scotland scored a good goal.' It was a bad night all round for Ukrainian referee Viktor Shvetsov who booked eleven players, many for the most trivial of offences but, somehow, managed to miss one of the worst tackles this blogger has ever seen - a truly horrific leg-breaker on Alan Hutton by Michele Polverino - despite being only a few yards from the incident. Luckily Hutton got up and walked away from it. Lithuania's shock win over the much-fancied Czech Republic in Prague conspired to leave Scotland topping the group at the end of the night. This morning they will, surely, have the decency to at least be a bit embarrassed by that. The Scottish Football Association also described as 'disgraceful' the booing of the Liechtenstein national anthem. A section of Scotland fans jeered the anthem - which has the same tune as 'God Save The Queen.' The SFA's acting chief executive George Peat said he was embarrassed by the booing. 'I apologise unreservedly to our visitors for the crass reaction to their anthem,' said Peat. Reigning champions Spain, who won their opening match 4-0 in Liechtenstein on Friday remain the overwhelming group favourites.

That Sixual Feeling

Yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved - though still, seemingly, unsellable - Newcastle United achieved a rousing victory over Aston Villa in their first home game in the Premier League since their return to top-flight football. In front a crowd of almost forty four thousand, Joey Barton opened the proceedings with a screamer from twenty five-yards, whilst skipper Kevin Nolan scored two on the day. But it was the Tynesiders number nine, Andy Carroll, who stole the show with a sensational hat-trick. The Toon's boss Chris Hughton saw Peter Lovenkrands return to the fold after shaking off an ankle injury, but the Dane had to settle for a place on the bench. Defensive signing Sol Campbell also remained sidelined for this encounter owing to a lack of match fitness as did Danny Guthrie and long-term injury casualties Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson and new signing Dan Gosling. Villa's caretaker boss, Kevin MacDonald, had striker John Carew in the starting line-up despite the forward having an ongoing knee problem, while fellow forward Gabriel Agbonlahor was absent due to a hamstring injury. MacDonald also chose to hand new signing Stephen Ireland his debut for the club after the midfielder arrived from Manchester City earlier in the week. Newcastle's first home game following their return to the big boys league, and a sobering - albeit, in a way refreshing - 3-0 defeat at Old Trafford on Monday, began positively, with a clear idea of how to go about their movement in the attacking third of the pitch. But the visitors were no less an attacking force early on. And their efforts earned them a golden opportunity as midfielder Ashley Young was taken down by goalkeeper Steve Harper as he chased a long ball. The referee pointed to the spot, to Harper's evident fury, and Carew stepped up to take it. But it was a shocker of a spot kick for a player of his experience - going for power instead of placement - and the ball sailed harmlessly over the bar. Less than a minute later, Jonas Gutierrez passed to fellow midfielder Barton, who let loose a beautifully struck shot from twenty five yards, which flew past Brad Friedel into the top corner of the old onion bag. Game, as they say, very much on. Barton - seemingly enjoying his football again after three seasons of more or less constant injury, controversy, fall outs with managers, common assault and more than a bit of porridge - had declared that he would shave off his recently acquired Oswald Mosley-style moustache as soon as United recorded their first win of the season. So, you can get the Gillette Mac-III out tonight, Joey. At this point, a special mention must be made concerning about crass, ignorant and disgraceful, excrement-agenda smeared Mackem supporting scumbag Louise Taylor in the Gruniad Morning Star for trying to stir some shit up by suggesting that the comments of a few glakes on the Internet misinterpreting Barton's celebration as a right-wing salute constitutes a major controversy. Or, even a minor one. 'A glorious afternoon for Newcastle United, featuring a hat-trick from Andy Carroll, was overshadowed [my italics] by Joey Barton's questionable goal celebration today.' No it wasn't, you silly bag. Not even remotely close. To be fair, even the vile, rancid numskull Taylor - who already has quite a bit of previous over exactly this kind of vomit-flecked anti-Newcastle manure - wasn't alone in her scummish stirring. The Daily Scum Mail also got in on the act. What a lovely bedfellow to have, Louise, your mother must be so proud of you. In fact, that's about the only time you'll ever see those two excuses for newspapers agreeing on pretty much anything ... other than their mutual loathing for Top Gear. I never thought, or particularly wanted to, see the day when I'd quite literally be punching the air at a cross-section of Daily Scum Mail readers' replies to a story and seeing them calling it what it is, absolute rank diarrhoea. I particularly enjoyed 'Zayd of Cardiff's response: 'If this is twisted into a nazi salute then it shows how desperate the tabloids are for some controversy.' Again, my italics. And, you can add to 'tabloids' dreary leftie-scum broadsheets too, it would seem. Anyway, back to the match and a little past the thirty-minute mark, the home side doubled their lead when a great early cross by Jose Enrique saw Carroll head the ball it into the path of Nolan, who headed it towards goal. The attempt was blocked but the former Bolton Wanderers midfielder grabbed the rebound. The hosts went into cruise control after thirty four minutes, when a corner from Barton saw defender Richard Dunne make a mess of the clearance. This allowed Carroll, who'd had a very good first half to that point, to showcase his predatory skills by striking a low left-footed shot into the bottom corner. Villa had a decent amount of possession for a short period in the second half, when there appeared to be a lull in the storm. But the second city outfit were unable to capitalise on their possession, as it was only a few more minutes before they hit the rocks again. Though, they did provide the crowd with their best laugh of the day when, at four-nil down, their answer was to bring on Emile Heskey! Hilarious. A corner from Barton in the sixty eighth minute ended up with Mike Williamson lobbing the ball back into the box. Carroll took it brilliantly on the volley and scored from fifteen-yards out. Following the fourth goal, the Villains looked completely deflated and their arses fell out completely as United looked like they could score at every given opportunity. The impressive Wayne Routledge missed two glorious opportunities for the Magpies as those Toonies who'd made the sacrifice of having a pint at the pub in favour of egging their players on were treated to a special day at St James' Park. Nolan tried his luck from close range to find the back of the net for a second time and, to cap a perfect afternoon for the Magpies, twenty one year old Carroll bagged his third with a shot in stoppage time from a pass by substitute Xisco, as former Toon striking legends Alan Shearer and Malcolm MacDonald looked on in appreciation. Hughton's team may not be particularly pretty but, for today at least today, they looked streetwise and up for it, Andy Carroll bullying Richard Dunne and co into the white flag of submission en-route to a hat-trick in exactly the same way he bullied a lot of Championship defences last season. All on a day when Villa simply, and quite shamefully, surrendered in the late summer sunshine. There is a feeling around St James' that Alan Smith may soon be surplus to requirements, especially as Hughton had today completed the signing of Cheick Tioté, the Ivory Coast defensive midfielder, from the Dutch champions, FC Twente. Tioté still requires a work permit but securing it is expected to be a formality. However, Smith had a fine match today as did Jonas Gutierrez - heavily criticised by Shaun Custis on this morning's Soccer Supplement after an ineffectual performance at Old Trafford. Mind you, Custis - that worst of creatures an exiled Georide in London with a crappy misty-eyed nostalgia for a place he couldn't wait to get away from in the first place - also had a go at Nolan who was probably the best player on the park today. So he clearly knows nowt! The six-nil victory for United followed Chelsea and Arsenal demolishing their opponents - Wigan Athletic and Blackpool respectively - by the same scoreline yesterday. Of course, as always in such circumstances, the inevitable question is were United really that good or was it Villa who were that spineless and wretched? Or, was it a bit of both? To be honest, I can't give you a short answer on that one, dear blog reader. Probably it was a bit of both. I only know that at the start of the season I'd've taken a fourth bottom finish for my club and avoidance of relegation like a shot. This afternoon, I'm starting to think of upping my ambitions for the season. To fifth bottom, at least! The result leaves United in seventh place in Premiership. Okay, can we just stop the season now, that'd certainly do me! As the Daily Mash did a brilliant send up of the whole thing, I'm just concentrating on the fact that we've got three points from two games. Another thirty seven of those and we'll be safe from relegation. Priorities, gentlemen. Always priorities.

One additional point: As previously mentioned, dear blog reader, yer Keith Telly Topping always used to have something of a soft spot for the Villa - along with Man City and Everton - but, a couple of years ago, I had the extreme misfortune to cross paths with a couple of their more gobby shitescum lice supporters on an Internet message board who had crawled out from under a stone and had plenty to say for themselves about other clubs many faults. Of course, when Villa themselves subsequently had a bit of a bad run, like most crass Internet bullies, they promptly shat in their own pants and ran an effing mile. To such an extent that since that day, hoping the Villa get a ruddy damned good shafting off whomsoever they're playing is always one of the first things this blogger looks for, hopefully, each weekend. So, as you can probably tell, I'm an extra specially happy Mag today.

Accrington Stanley? Who Are Dey?

Accrington Stanley have been rewarded for their Carling Cup defeat of Championship Doncaster with a second-round tie at home against yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United. Bradford, who beat Nottingham Forest, will host Preston, while Derby's conquerors Crewe will entertain Ipswich. Morecambe will play Burnley, Southend travel to Wolves and Port Vale meet Fulham. The ties will be played in the week commencing 23 August, with the Premier League sides involved in European competition joining in round three.

According to the Daily Mirror - so, as ever, take this with a vat of salt if necessary - Craig Bellamy has 'ruined' any chance he had of being named in Manchester City's twenty five-man Premier League squad after criticising boss Roberto Mancini as reported yesterday. Mancini is said to be 'seething' over Bellamy's outburst, in which the mouthy Welsh troublemaker claimed that he had not spoken to his manager in six months and criticised the Italian for his perceived aloofness.

Meanwhile, the Daily Scum Mail alleges that Sunderland manager and former Manchester United captain Steve Bruce had to borrow a Leeds tie to be allowed into the VIP area at Elland Road on Tuesday to watch his son, Alex, make his debut for the club. Derby boss Nigel Clough was allegedly refused entry last weekend because he was wearing a tracksuit.

Steven Gerrard scored twice in four second-half minutes as England came from behind to defeat Hungary in their first outing since their awful World Cup campaign. England, by and large, received warm backing from the seventy two thousand crowd inside Wembley, with applause comfortably outweighing booing after a performance during which Fabio Capello's team produced some occasional eye-catching attacking moves. But the crowd did voice their severe dissatisfaction when Phil Jagielka unfortunately guided a low cross into his own net after sixty two minutes. Capello had apologised for the team's performance at the World Cup in the build-up to the friendly, while Gerrard admitted that he expected his team to be booed. And while it is true that the likes of Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney were the subjects of jeers as they were substituted, with the latter responding by waving to the crowd, the large-scale outpouring of frustration did not materialise and England were applauded from the field at the final whistle. England began the match with seven of the team thrashed by Germany in the starting line-up, but there were few comparisons to be drawn with their abject performance in Bloemfontein as Capello's men started at a crisp pace and looked full of energy and invention. The coach had moved away from the much-maligned 4-4-2 formation, opting instead to play Barry, Gerrard and Lampard in a central midfield area, with Adam Johnson and Theo Walcott, who were both left out of the World Cup squad, providing the width as Rooney operated as a lone striker. Rooney was rarely isolated as both Lampard and, particularly, Gerrard showed a willingness to push into advanced positions.

To Leave One Club, Mr Bellamy, Might Be Regarded As Misfortune. To Leave Twelve Looks Like Carelessness

Craig Bellamy had a furious row with Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini back in February - and says he has not spoken a word to the manager since. Craig Bellamy falling out with a manager at a team he plays for? No, surely not? The Welsh striker claims that he is not the only player at Eastlands to be cold-shouldered by the Italian. Bellamy, thirty one, has been nursing a knee injury and has hardly featured in pre-season while players such as the Brazilian, Jo, have been playing regularly. The ten million pound signing from West Ham said: 'I haven't spoken to the manager since February. There are a number of players, like Carlos Tevez and me, who he doesn't speak to and keeps us away. I'm not sure if it's personal. Maybe it's the way he deals with things and it's his manner. But I've got a fair indication of what they all think, though, as I've had eighty minutes in pre-season. I've even seen players not part of the club over the last three years get more minutes than me.' During City's recent tour of the USA, Bellamy indicated he wanted to stay with City and fight for his place. With his age and a series of knee problems against him, he felt remaining at Eastlands was his best chance of winning silverware. But Bellamy is now eyeing the exit door, according to the Sun, and claims he is not short of offers - with Spurs and Wolfsburg showing an interest. A reunion with Mark Hughes at Fulham or a move to hometown club Cardiff also appeal, although it is doubtful either could get near his current ninety thousand pounds-a-week wages. Bellamy added: 'There's been two clubs in the top seven who have tried to get me. Man City obviously want me to go, but not to one of their rivals. I've turned down Wolfsburg - they are the only club they tried to push me into. City wanted Edin Dzeko so they were pushing for a deal and wanted me to go the other way. But I've had my most offers ever and felt more wanted elsewhere. It's obvious Spurs have tried for me but Man City have declined.' Mancini will name his twenty five-man Premier League squad at the end of this month and Bellamy fears the worst, even though he claims he would like to stay. The Welshman said: 'If I'm not on the list, which is unlikely, then the only games I will get are with the reserves. I'm so committed to where I am and with the new players coming in I'm driving to stay here. But that's unlikely to happen. I've just come back after my best year in football. I got double figures in goals and double figures in assists and that's all as a midfielder. Enough said.' Bellamy hopes his former Wales, Blackburn and City boss Sparky Hughes might be able to raise the funds to take him to Craven Cottage. He added: 'If you look at my form with Mark Hughes I don't just become a good player, I become one of the top players in the Premier League. He gets the best out of me. Cardiff is another possibility. I've always wanted to play for them and my wife and kids live there.' Now, yer Keith Telly Topping was fortunate enough to see Bellas for three years at, probably, his peak when he was playing for Bobby Robson's Newcastle, and I have only this to say at the man. Craig Bellamy, at his best, is an asset to any team ... and a sodding liability to any club. I mean, there does reach a point after a player has been signed and then left one club after another for year-after-year throughout his career that he has to look at himself and say 'you know, I don't think the problem so much is with them, it's me.' Great player, and I mean that. Fast, nippy, scores goals, creates goals. But, rubbish attitude. I always remember years ago, Bruce Rioch his first manager at Norwich saying that Craig was 'a great lad. The only problem is, he wants to run the club!' Argumentative, angry little sod who works his ticket and, generally, gets on people's nerves - at Norwich, at Coventry, at Newcastle, at Celtic, at Blackburn, at Liverpool, at West Ham and, now, at Man City. And, always with the opposition, which is the good part of his game! So, who's next to experience everything Craig has to offer in the way of team morale building and good old fashioned Boy's Own Fun during nights oot on the pop? When he had something thrown at him from out of the crowd during last year's Manchester derby the police were said to have narrowed down a list of suspects to 'everyone who's ever met him.'

Aston Villa chairman Randy Lerner's right-hand man has said Martin O'Neill did a great job but left because he thought he was bigger than the club. General Charles C Krulak - no, really - believes O'Neill quit as manager because he was unwilling to accept the financial limits he was expected to work under. 'No one person is bigger than our club. Not me, not Randy, not chief executive Paul Faulkner, not Martin,' the General added, before bellowing 'secure that shit, boy! Yessir, I lurv the Corp!' No, he didn't. But, it would have been pure dead funny if he had. 'What's interesting is that apparently only three of those understand that.' Krulak said there was 'no question' O'Neill had done a good job for Villa in his four years at the club but he felt coverage of the Northern Irishman's exit had been one-sided. 'There is no question he did a good deal for Villa and I've said over and over that he did a fine job,' he commented. 'At the same time, I can promise everyone that he knew and understood the long-range plans for the club and bought into them. Martin was absolutely supported by the owner. All one needs to do is look at the money spent. The reality is the wage-to-revenue issue was not addressed and apparently he was unwilling to help address it. He knew full well about the need to bring wages in line with revenue - the same as every Premiership club.' O'Neill has yet to reveal his reasons for resigning on Monday - only five days before the start of the new Premier League campaign. Meanwhile, Krulak thinks there could be tough times ahead for Villa but is confident they can still make a realistic challenge for the Champions League after three successive top-six finishes. 'Do I think we have some rough times ahead? Probably but nothing that we can't handle,' added the non-executive Villa director. Didn't your boys say the same thing about Iraq? Anyway ... 'I have been in some tough scrapes before and I never got out of them by wishing it away. I just put my head down and continued to grind it out. At the end of the day, is the aim to get into the Champions League? Absolutely. Is this realistic? Absolutely. Do we still have a way to go? Absolutely. We will continue to try to do what is right by the Villa with the very best of intentions. Will we always get it right? Probably not but we will work damn hard to do the right things.'

An investigation has been launched into allegations that North Korea punished some players and the coach after its team lost all their World Cup matches. FIFA says it is looking into claims made by Radio Free Asia last month that the squad was publicly humiliated and coach Kim Jong-hun sentenced to hard labour. FIFA's president said a letter had been sent to North Korea's footballing body. North Korea lost to Brazil, Portugal and Ivory Coast at the World Cup. Radio Free Asia reported that North Korea's national team had been summoned to a public meeting in Pyongyang, where players were criticised by officials, including the sports minister, for six hours. The players were then ordered to reprimand their coach, the report said, quoting anonymous sources in North Korea and a Chinese businessman said to be 'knowledgeable' about North Korean affairs. The report also spoke of 'rumours' that the coach was sentenced to 'forced labour at a residential building site in Pyongyang.' There were no reports of the meeting in North Korean state media, nor has neighbouring South Korea been able to confirm the claims. After the team's impressive performance during a 2-1 defeat to Brazil, the North Korean authorities overturned a ban on showing live games. The match against Portugal - the state's first ever live sports broadcast - could not have been worse, with the national side thrashed 7-0 in a match that stunned commentators. Speaking at a news conference in Singapore, FIFA president Sepp Blatter said of the allegations: 'The first step is the federation and we'll see what the answer will be, and then we can elaborate on that.' Asian Football Confederation chief Mohamed Bin Hammam said he had met several World Cup players in North Korea last month, but coach Kim was not present. 'There was an unconfirmed report that these players have gone through torture or something like that, but I can't confirm that,' he said. 'I haven't seen anything with my eyes or heard anything with my ears. Maybe this FIFA investigation can clear the air.'

Newcastle's pursuit of French international midfielder Hatem Ben Arfa looks to be in the balance, given the latest updates from his current employer, Olympique Marseille and from French sources. Hopes had been high on Monday that a deal would be concluded, despite the two clubs still haggling over the level of fee payable for a season-long loan at St James Park. French newspaper L'Equipe wrote: 'Hatem Ben Arfa is undoubtedly very close to discovering the joys of the Premier League. The former Lyon player has in effect been authorised by Marseilles to negotiate with the directors of the Magpies for a loan of one year with an option to buy according to the club cited by Agence France Presse.' The information was later denied by Marseilles chairman Jean-Claude Dassier and coach Didier Deschamps. The two clubs have agreed a loan of one season for €1.2m, together with an option to buy at the end of the season. The amount of the option has not been revealed. However, Monday evening then brought the following comments from Dassier on the official OM website: 'We have a meeting every Monday. It was a professional meeting at the heart of the transfer window. We had to sit down and make sure we all knew where we are and everything went well. We made a certain number of decisions but you have to be discreet during the transfer window. Our desire is to reinforce the squad. Newcastle United are interested (in Hatem Ben Arfa) but for the moment we have not reached an agreement, so we aren't talking about it. We are working with the representatives of Newcastle and with Hatem Ben Arfa.'

The Mirror claims that Ian Holloway is on a collision course with Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston after becoming exasperated with his meddling and cautious financial approach. The club finally confirmed yesterday their play-off heroes have been paid their bonuses for winning promotion to the Premier League last season. But Seasiders boss Holloway, forty seven, is desperately struggling to attract new players to the club due to Bloomfield Road's rigid wage structure. Strikers Rob Hulse, Jon Stead and now even free agent Marlon Harewood have all turned the Tangerines down. Holloway offered Harewood - who looked such a useless lump whilst on loan at Newcastle last season - a two-year deal including a goal bonus and survival bonus. But Oyston dramatically (though, perhaps, sensibly) rescinded Holloway's offer yesterday and only tabled a twelve-month contract with the option of another year on the same money just if Blackpool survive. Oyston's decision prompted Harewood to walk away from negotiations and left Holloway fuming. It adds to his misery after also missing out on Leicester striker DJ Campbell, who scored eleven goals for the Seasiders while on loan last term. 'The one I wanted to do more than anything else was DJ. I'm sorry I am not in control of that,' Holloway said. But Oyston has at least coughed up the players' bonuses due from last season. Oyston said: 'We didn't get the first chunk of Premier League money in the bank until Thursday and they have received it. I'm delighted about that and I hope they earn another five million this year by keeping us in Premier League.'

Second City, Second Class Ambition

Aston Villa are looking for a new manager after the shock departure of Martin O'Neill only five days before the new Premier League season starts. The club have yet to comment on the situation but names linked with them include Ajax manager Martin Jol and United States coach Bob Bradley. Villa play West Ham on Saturday, with reserve-team boss Kevin MacDonald preparing the team in a caretaker role. Rumours have claimed that the highly-regarded O'Neill resigned on Monday over the club's transfer policy. Both Villa and O'Neill - who led the club to sixth place in the top flight and the Carling Cup final last season - have refused to disclose any reasons behind the decision, which brought his four-year tenure to an abrupt end and threw preparations for the new campaign into turmoil. In May, owner Randy Lerner insisted O'Neill had pledged his future to Villa after much speculation over whether or not the former Leicester City and Glasgow Celtic boss would leave. But it has been widely speculated that O'Neill - one of the most articulate and likeable managers currently working in the game - felt it was the end of the road after learning that he would not be able to reinvest most of the money generated from England midfielder James Milner's imminent move to Manchester City. Lerner had backed O'Neill in the transfer market since the latter replaced full-of-his-own-importance David O'Bleary in August 2006, from which point the Northern Irishman has largely transformed the fortunes of Villa. But it became clear this summer that similar investment would not be forthcoming, with Lerner insisting that Villa, who face Rapid Vienna in the Europa League later this month, would have to adopt a sell-to-buy policy. BBC Radio 5Live's Midlands football reporter Pat Murphy stated that while there are names in the frame, there is no single stand-out candidate to replace O'Neill. 'Alan Curbishley is available, there's no compensation issue and he's desperate top get back into Premier League management,' he added. 'So is Sven-Goran Eriksson, who feels he has unfinished business after being sacked by Manchester City. Eriksson would appeal to Randy Lerner because of his understated diplomatic style, rather than the engaging and bloody-minded Martin Jol - who recently flirted with Fulham while playing fast and loose with his present club Ajax. Gareth Southgate has recent Premier League experience at Middlesbrough, where he was unluckily sacked, and his time as a manager will surely come again. But many Villa fans have not forgiven him for criticising the club for a lack of ambition when he left ten years ago.' He also wasn't unlucky to be sacked having led the club to relegation. Ditto Curbishley with West Ham. It's remarkable, isn't it? Every time a job comes up for grabs, it's the same handful of names in the frame. The reason why most of them are unemployed in the first place is because they - often spectacularly - failed in the previous job or jobs. See also, Sourness, Graeme. And, indeed, O'Bleary, David. Bradley, whose contract with the US Soch-her Federation runs out in December, has became one of the bookmakers' favourites for the vacant job after stressing that he would love to work in Europe when asked about the Villa speculation. 'I have said over and over as well that I am always excited about new and different challenges,' he commented. 'Certainly coaching in Europe at some point is something that I would love to do.' Lerner is a fellow American, while Bradley had previously been linked with the Fulham managerial position before the appointment of former Manchester City boss Mark Hughes. Milner's exit would come only a year after former Villa captain Gareth Barry also moved to Eastlands. Former Villa captain Martin Laursen said he was not surprised that O'Neill left the club but added that he did not think his departure would be followed by several players. 'He wanted more than Randy Lerner could give him,' Laursen told BBC Sport. 'He is so ambitious that when he doesn't get what he wants he walks away but I don't think more players will leave. If Martin O'Neill gets another important job then he might take some with him but I don't think players will leave because O'Neill has gone.' I must admit, I always used to have something of a soft spot for Villa - another good club that had massively under-achieved over the years. That was, until a few years ago when I had the misfortune to cross paths with a particularly arrogant and gobby, full-of-his-own-pomposity supporter of the old Villains on an Internet message board. Someone who had plenty to say for himself about other club's lack of success when he, himself, had absolutely not a sausage to be bragging about. Since then, I've always looked at Villa's results with him in particular in mind, hoping for a few very richly deserved spankings every season. But, I like Martin O'Neill a lot too. Where he turns up next is, frankly, anyone's guess.

Tango'd

The Manchester United defender Wes Brown - the world's first entirely orange footballer - has announced his retirement from international duty with England. The thirty-year-old's announcement follows a similar one by Blackburn goalkeeper Paul Robinson earlier on Sunday. This will obviously come as a considerable surprise to most England supporters who believed that both had effectively retired from international football years ago. Wes Brown, the classic definition of modern times of that seventies staple 'the utility man' (i.e. someone who is a bit crap in a number of positions. See also Paul Madeley, Leeds United and England.)

In the weekend's other major football news, the Lack-of-Charity Shield at Wembley produced the first significant result of the new season: The Scum 3, Moscow Chelski FC 1.

And, finally, Fabio Capello has apologised for England's dismal World Cup and insisted he will fight to turn things around. The Italian coach avoided the sack as England boss after the tournament and begins the build-up to Euro 2012 with a friendly against Hungary on Wednesday. 'I say sorry to the fans that joined us in South Africa,' he said. Capello also said he would remind Wayne Rooney of his responsibilities after reports of poor behaviour by the player outside a nightclub last week. The England boss said he understood fans had 'spent a lot of time and money following England' in South Africa. 'I'm really sorry,' insisted Capello. 'But we have to look forward now for the European qualification matches.' Now, if only one or two of his players could manage the same level of 'at least trying to look like they mean it' ...

Robson Remembered

A ceremony to mark the first anniversary of the death of Sir Bobby Robson has taken place in Newcastle. The legend was remembered before two of his former clubs PSV Eindhoven and Newcastle United played in a pre-season friendly at St James's Park on Saturday. Stan Valckx, captain of PSV during Sir Bobby's time at the club in the early 1990s, presented the current United manager, Chris Hughton, with Valckx's shirt. Sir Bobby, died aged seventy six on 31 July 2009. A one-minute applause was observed by the sixteen thousand plus crowd after the presentation of the shirt, which happened prior to kick-off. Robson, who grew up at Langley Park near Durham, was first diagnosed with cancer in 1991. He beat bowel cancer in 1992, a malignant melanoma in 1995 and a tumour in his right lung and a brain tumour, both in 2006. In 2007 he vowed to 'battle as I've always done' following the start of chemotherapy treatment after being diagnosed with cancer for the fifth time. He set up his cancer charity, the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation, in 2008 to raise funds for a trial and research centre at Newcastle's Freeman Hospital. More than two and half million pounds have been raised since it was launched - more than £1m of that was raised or donated since his death. A skillful wing half with West Bromwich Albion, Fulham and England during the 1950s, Sir Bobby managed Ipswich Town to the greatest period in their history between 1969 and 1982. He was England manager from 1982 to 1990, taking the national side to the quarter-finals of the 1986 World Cup in Mexico and reaching the semi-finals four years later despite an often uncomfortable relationship with the more scummy end of the tabloid press, something often forgotten in the wake of his quasi-deification by many of those self-same newspapers since his death. He sent a decade managing some of the best clubs in the Netherlands (PSV), Portugal (Sporting Lisbon, FC Porto) and Spain (Barcelona) before an emotional return to Newcastle, the club he had supported as a boy, in 1999 saving the club from what seemed a certain relegation in his first season and then leading an exciting young United side that he built to three Top Five finishes in the Premier league in the early years of the next decade. The match between United and PSV, perhaps fittingly, ended in a 2-2 draw.