Sokratis Himself Was Not Permanently Missed

The European Champions 2012 have started, dear blog reader. You just might have noticed. And, they're going to dominate the TV schedules for the next few weeks. Which is jolly unlucky if you don't happen to like football. But, if you don't happen to like football then you're nowhere, baby. A total zero. Fortunately, yer actual Keith Telly Topping does. And so do all other right-thinking individuals. So, without further ado ...

The tournament got under way with a thoroughly entertaining Group A game between the co-hosts, Poland and Greece. For the first thirty minutes, the Poles were in the ascendancy playing neat, quick-passing football and taking the lead via a header from yer actual Robert Lewandowski. Captain Jakub Błaszczykowski delivered a peach of a cross from the right which the Greek keeper Kostas Chalkias got nowhere near and Lewandowski planted a header down into the turf and watched it bounce into the top corner. The game, however, turned just before half-time when the over-fussy Spanish referee dismissed Sokratis Papastathopoulos - the man with the most Greek name in the world - for two bookable offences. The second probably wasn't worthy of a booking. The first wasn't even a foul. As the BBC's Steve Wilson noted, if that's the way matches at this tournament are going to be refereed, one can see a lot more games ending without a full compliment of twenty two chaps on the pitch. As Aristotle once said: 'Όλες οι ανθρώπινες ενέργειες έχουν μια ή περισσότερες από αυτές τις επτά αιτίες: πιθανότητα, φύση, εξαναγκασμοί, συνήθεια, λόγος, πάθος, επιθυμία.' Which, I think we can all agree with, can't we? Whether it was the manifest unfairness of the dismissal that finally roused the previously docile Greeks to get a right chimney on and start playing like they meant it is a matter for debate but, in the second half they were by far the better team. Not bad considering they were playing with, effectively, nine-and-a-half players since that big plank Samaras was doing his usual job of looking like a lazy, workshy sod. But, with their substitute Dimitris Salpingidis - on for the disappointing Sotiris Ninis - particular prominent Greece was, indeed, the word for the second half. It was Salpingidis who provided the equaliser. A veritable Euro bailout, as it were. It was a similar goal to Poland's, Vassilis Torossidis swinging in an excellent cross from the right, The Arse's keeper Wojciech Szczęsny flapping about wildly and failing to make the cross, the loose ball fell at the feet of Salpingidis who poked it home. Soon afterwards, the Greeks should have won it. Salpingidis was involved again, beating the offside trap whilst latching on to a long ball and skipping around Szczęsny - who promptly tripped him. A clear red card and a penalty. Sub keeper Przemysław Tytoń made himself an instant national hero, diving to his left to keep out Giorgos Karagounis's tame penalty. Both teams had chances to win it at the death but, ultimately, a draw was probably the right result. So, good start that.

In the day's second match, a very impressive Russia gave the Czech Republic a 4-1 trousers-down hiding. With Andrey Arshavin in particularly fine form, two goals from Alan Dzagoev and strikes from Roman Shirokov and Roman Pavlyuchenko sealed the victory. Vaclav Pilar replied for the very disappointing Czechs.

And, so to Saturday's two games: First up it's the Netherlands versus Denmark (kick-off 5.00pm). This one's on the BBC so the coverage, commentary and presentation will, at least, be vaguely decent as opposed to, you know, the atrocious tripe you get on the other side. National treasure yer actual lovely Gary Lineker his very self introduces coverage of this afternoon's Group B clash at the Metalist Stadium in Kharkiv, where the teams play their opening match. Nice teeth, Gary Lineker, don't you think? Anyway, this is the second major tournament in succession where the Dutch and the Danes have been drawn against each other in the group stage, having also met at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. That encounter in Johannesburg saw the Netherlands open their campaign with a comfortable 2-0 victory, as they embarked on an impressive winning streak which would take them all the way to the final, looking as good as they had in any major tournament since 1988. And then, they got to the final, their arses fell out and they played for (and got) a 1-0 defeat, finishing as poor runners-up to yer actual Spain. Bert van Marwijk's men have been in imperious form since then, however, winning nine of their ten games in the qualifying stage as they topped Group E, and they are among the favourites to go all the way at this tournament. But, of course, they won't cos they're the Dutch and they always pull this trick every couple of years. See, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has always loved the Dutch, dear blog reader - ever since he watched, mesmerised as an unhealthy ten year old in 1974 when their totaal voetbal entranced the world. And then, they broke our hearts when they lost to the Germans in the final. They seemed to say to every unhealthy ten year old 'be brilliant, be expressive, be fabulous, be yourself and you'll win.' They lied! However, Denmark also performed admirably in qualifying automatically for Euro 2012, and will be determined to make up for the disappointment of their performances two years ago in South Africa, when they lost two of their three group matches and returned home early. Find out whether The Toon's Tim Krul or Swansea's Michel Vorm is playing in goal for the Brilliant Oranj. With analysis by Alan Hansen (so, that'll be 'unbelieveable', basically), Phil Neville and Clarence Seedorf.

Then, after a suitable break so that Gary can change his shirt, we've got Germany versus Portugal (kick-off 7.45pm). Which is usually a question of who bursts into tears first. Lineker - and his lovely teeth - presents coverage of the Group B clash at the Arena Lviv, where the respective runners-up from the 2008 and 2004 tournaments begin their quests for glory. This is the third time in the last four European Championships that the Germans and the Portuguese have faced each other, having been paired in the group stage of Euro 2000 and in the knockout stage four years ago. That clash in Basel, Switzerland, was the highlight of the quarter-finals, as Germany took a 2-0 lead midway through the first-half, only to be pegged back to 2-1 shortly before the interval. Their two-goal advantage was restored on the hour mark, but when Portugal scored a second goal of their own three minutes from time, the Germans had to hang on nervously until the final whistle. Which they did. Because, they're the Germans, and they're good at that sort of thing. That encounter was in contrast to the meeting at Euro 2000, when a 3-0 victory for Portugal in the final group match saw Germany crash out of the tournament with just one point from three games, as they finished bottom of a group that also contained Romania and England. Cristiano Ronaldo notched a staggering sixty goals in all competitions this season as he helped Real Madrid wrestle control of La Liga away from arch-rivals Barcelona. But still, nobody likes him because he's a cheating little twat. Opposing him will be Germany's Bastian Schweinsteiger, the Bayern Munchen midfielder who, by contrast, has not had the best of seasons, culminating in defeat in the Champions League final by Moscow Chelski FC. Someone's luck has to change and this evening’s Group B encounter. Lee Dxion joins Hansen and Seedorf on the couch. Remember, dear blog reader, association football is a sport which is played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Portugal are one of them, two teams of nine ... or eight ... - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport in the world. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something which girls play. The game takes place on a pitch of rectangular grass or artificial turf. The object is to score by getting the ball into the opposing goal and then stopping them from doing the same thing to you. Fairly, of course. Or, if you're Italian, any damn way you can. In general play, the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to use their hands to touch the ball although at least one former Argentine international tended to ignore that rule when he felt like it. The rest of the team normally use their feet to kick the ball. And, sometimes, each other. Really hard. It's a game of two halves, Brian, and at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will be Over the Moon and the other lot will be Sick as a Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves, and extra time, and then the Germans usually win on penalties. The game is controlled - or, more often, not controlled - by an officious, whistle-happy berk aided by two visually-impaired prats with flags. It was invented by the English but, whisper it, they're not really very good at it. The Germans, however, are. Usually. The Dutch and the Spanish are sometimes quite good too but, more often than not, they end up fighting among themselves after a couple of matches. Which can be jolly amusing in and of itself if you're in the right sort of mood. The game has many rules, most of which are reasonably straight forward. Except for offside (don't ask, trust me, it's not worth it, we'll be here all day). Every four years the best sixteen nations in Europe come together in a spectacularly expensive corporate brown-tongued hate-fest. Scotland normally don't take part. Because, as noted, it's a tournament for the sixteen best national sides in Europe. Fifteen of them inevitably go home darkly muttering about bias, conspiracy, bad luck, dodgy red cards and 'that was never over the line.' There can be only one champion. A bit like the movie Highlander, if you will, only with rather less beheadings. Although, if you're ever seen Turkey play ...

Euro 2012: It's All Kicking-Off

Tonight sees the start of the European Football Championships. The BBC have the opening match, Poland versus Greece (kick-off 5.00pm). Gary Lineker presents the beeb's coverage as the joint hosts face the 2004 champions in this Group A clash at the National Stadium in Warsaw. Despite being the first competitive contest for Franciszek Smuda's side since October 2009, Poland's passionate home fans will be expecting them to put in a stirring performance, but a victory in this encounter is far from assured. The Greeks finished at the top of their qualifying group ahead of Croatia, and have the greater pedigree in this competition. The most recent meeting between these nations was a drab 0-0 draw in an international friendly in March 2011, but a repeat of that seems unlikely, as both sides will be striving to improve upon their performances at Euro 2008, when neither managed to progress to the knockout stage. With commentary by Steve Wilson and the thoroughly wretched Mark Bright - who knows as much about international football as this blogger knows about marine biology - and half-time analysis from Alan Hansen and Lee Dixon. Later on, we have Russia versus the Czech Republic (kick-off 7.45pm) on ITV. So, the coverage of that will, as usual with ITV, be shite. Grumpy odious, risible breakfast TV flop Adrian Chiles presents the second match, as the remaining teams in Group A meet at the Municipal Stadium in Wroclaw. Having performed so admirably four years ago when they reached the semi-finals under the tutelage of Guus Hiddink, Russia will be hoping that fellow Dutchman Dick Advocaat can prove as inspiring. They begin their third consecutive appearance at the European Championships by facing the Czech Republic, who have qualified for every staging of this tournament since the birth of their nation, following the split of Czechoslovakia. Their record since then has been mixed, failing to make it through the group stage on two occasions, but finishing as runners-up at Euro '96 and reaching the semi-finals in Portugal eight years later. With commentary by Peter Drury and Jim Beglin, and analysis - or lack of it - by Roy Keane, Gareth Southgate and Patrick Vieira.

The BBC has defended a recent Panorama investigation into racism and anti-Semitism at Euro 2012 hosts Poland and Ukraine, and said that it disagrees in the 'strongest terms' with the criticism from one of the programme contributors. The documentary, titled Euro 2012: Stadiums of Hate, included footage of Polish fans giving Nazi-style salutes, black players being heckled with monkey chants and a group of Asian men being viciously beaten at a club game in Ukraine. But Jonathan Ornstein, the executive director of the Jewish Community Centre in Krakow, who was interviewed for the programme, criticised at the BBC's portrayal of the perceived problems in both countries. In a letter sent to the Economist on 6 June, Ornstein said that he was 'furious' at the way Panorama had 'used [him] and others to manipulate the serious subject of anti-Semitism for its own sensationalist agenda.' He added: 'The BBC knowingly cheated its own audience - the British people - by concocting a false horror story about Poland. In doing so, the BBC has spread fear, ignorance, prejudice and hatred. I would urge the BBC to become more aware of its own negative stereotyping of Poles, before it goes pointing the finger of judgement.' However, the BBC hit back in a strongly worded statement to the magazine, saying that it denies in the 'strongest terms' that the interview with Ornstein was 'misrepresented.' The corporation said that the programme's commentary made it clear that Ornstein believed 'most Poles happily accept other faiths, but that football hooligans are yet to catch up with wider Polish society.' Certain comments from the BBC's hour-long interview with Ornstein were not included in the programme, including: 'I think we see Poland going in a very good direction in terms of Jewish relations and maybe the football stadiums and the football fans aren't going in that direction and that's something we need to work on as a country.' The BBC said that this quote 'goes precisely to the heart of what the programme was about,' and makes his later criticisms appear somewhat baffling. 'It becomes even more baffling in the context of UEFA's comment to the programme, that by awarding the tournament to Poland and Ukraine it would shine a light on such societal issues of racism and anti-Semitism with a view to improvement,' said the BBC. 'One wonders how UEFA's stated aim can be achieved in the light of the continued apparent failure of politicians, police, football officials and others in either Poland or Ukraine to condemn the racism, anti-Semitism and violence recorded by the Panorama team at recent matches in both countries.' The BBC also said that it 'takes issue' with Ornstein's claim that he told the BBC interviewer to speak to two Israeli footballers at Polish club Wisla Kraków, but was apparently told that 'this line of inquiry "didn't fit their story."' In its statement, the BBC responded: 'The programme's producer and reporter deny refusing the offer to interview two Israeli footballers playing in Poland because it did not fit the story. Neither have any recollection of such a conversation with Mr Ornstein. Had such an offer been made, both say they would not have responded in the way Mr Ornstein alleges - in fact they would have jumped at the chance of interviewing them.' In a rather stinging conclusion, the BBC added: 'Given that Mr Ornstein acknowledges in his statement "that problems do exist", it could be argued that he has now handed those racist and anti-Semitic followers of football in Poland a big excuse not to mend their ways, to find "the cure" as he put it, when he spoke to the Panorama team.'

Meanwhile, on broadly the same subject, UEFA has confirmed, after at first flatly denying, that there were 'isolated incidents of racist chanting' aimed at Netherlands players during an open training session. But the governing body has not revealed whether it is investigating the incident in Krakow. Dutch captain Mark van Bommel said that monkey chants were aimed at team-mates. 'Should such behaviour happen at further training sessions, UEFA would evaluate the operational measures to be taken to protect players,' UEFA - those well-known cowardly appeasers of bullies and fascists - said. Whatever the hell that means. 'UEFA has now been made aware that there were some isolated incidents of racist chanting that occurred at the open training session of the Dutch team yesterday in Krakow. UEFA has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to discriminatory behaviour and has given the power to referees to stop matches in case of any repeated racist behaviour.' The governing body said no formal complaint had been received from the Dutch FA - and Netherlands officials have already said that none will be made. The matter is now considered closed, the Dutch FA told BBC Sport. While Van Bommel complained specifically of racist abuse, the Dutch FA said this was mixed with anti-Euro 2012 chanting believed to have been prompted by the fact the city has not been given any matches in the tournament. Netherlands head coach Bert van Marwijk did not hear any racist abuse, his FA added. When it was put to Van Bommel on Thursday that the chanting was a protest against Euro 2012 organisers, he said: 'Open your ears. If you did hear it and don't want to hear it, that is even worse.' The claims emerged on the opening day of the tournament, which is being co-hosted by Poland and Ukraine. Around twenty thousand fans had turned up to watch the training session at the Stadion Miejski on Wednesday. Journalist Marcel van der Kraan, who writes for Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf, said that he heard the racist abuse. He told BBC Radio 5Live: 'As the Dutch players did their warm-up, during the first lap of the pitch they could hear monkey noises from one end of the crowd. When the players heard this they said they would do another lap and if they heard monkey noises again they would stop. The Dutch coach moved all the cones and started training on the pitch as far away from these people as possible. It was considerably more than two or three people. The Dutch media could hear it as well.' The day before the alleged abuse, the Netherlands players had visited Nazi concentration camp Auschwitz, which is nearby. Van Bommel said: 'It is a real disgrace, especially after getting back from Auschwitz, that you are confronted with this. We will take it up with UEFA and if it happens at a match we will talk to the referee and ask him to take us off the field.' Earlier this week, UEFA's thoroughly oily president Michel Platini told BBC Sport that the issue was one for wider society, not simply football. But, he added that referees had the power to stop games if there was racist abuse from the stands.

Graham Carr, the chief scout at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Newcastle United has signed an eight-year contract to keep him at the club until the age of seventy five. Carr is the man credited with identifying much of the talent in Alan Pardew's team which finished fifth in the Premier League last season. He picked out the likes of Hatem Ben Arfa, Cheick Tiote, Yohan Cabaye, Papiss Cisse and Sylvain Marveaux. Newcastle's managing director Derek Llambias told the club's website: '[Graham] has been instrumental in helping us get some truly exceptional players. He has deservedly built one of the best reputations in the business.' Carr, sixty seven, joined the Magpies in February 2010, when Chris Hughton was in charge. He previously held scouting roles at Stottingtot Hotsphots and Shiekh Yer Man City. The former York and Northampton player and Blackpool manager, who is the father of the comedian and chat show host Alan Carr, is now poised to work for the club he has supported all his life - and played for as a teenager - well into his seventies. Graham's father, Wilf, was also on the books at St James' Park during the 1920s but, like his son, his appearances were restricted to reserve team football. Llambias said: 'Graham works tirelessly to identify talented young players from across the world and has done a magnificent job over the last two years. He has the complete faith and support of the owner, the board and the manager. It is excellent news that the club will continue to benefit from his expertise for many years to come.'

One might've thought that Stewart Downing would be considering himself jolly lucky to have made England's Euro 2012 squad after a thoroughly average first season at Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and might have been more advised to keep his trap shut rather than shouting-the-odd. But, he's a footballer so life's never that simple. Downing claims that the squad 'does not fear' France and is confident of a result when the the sides meet at Euro 2012 on Monday. So, that'll be Hatem Ben Arfa running rings around the England defence, then. Jeez, haven't these idiots ever heard of karma? Roy Hodgson's England side face France in their opening group game, before taking on Sweden on 15 June and Ukraine four days later. Downing said: 'We are confident we can get a result. We don't fear them. We know they are a good team but so are we. We know their strength and weaknesses.' He denied that the England's players are talking about The Scum defender Rio Ferdinand's omission, saying: 'Whoever the manager picks, we get on with it. I concentrate on my position in the team and so do the other players.' Downing is one of six Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haw players in the England squad - more than any other club side - despite the club's vastly disappointing eighth-placed finish in the Premier League which got their manager the old tin-tack. The former Middlesbrough and Aston Villa midfielder defended the club's season, saying: 'If you look at our performances, we battered teams at times but we did not have the killer instinct.'

UK government ministers will boycott England's group games in the European football championships in Ukraine. The move is in protest at the 'selective justice' meted out to jailed opposition leader Yulia Tymoshenko. Attendance at later matches, such as the final in the Ukrainian capital, Kiev, is to be kept 'under review.' Other EU nations including Germany, Holland and Austria have also threatened a boycott of the tournament being jointly hosted with Poland. Tymoshenko played a key role in the Orange Revolution in 2004 and says her imprisonment is an act of political revenge by Ukraine's President Viktor Yanukovych. The authorities have rejected Tymoshenko's allegations. She was jailed for seven years in October, for 'abuse of power' during her time as prime minister. Last week, she ended a twenty-day hunger strike after being moved to a hospital in Kharkiv where she is being treated by a German doctor. A Foreign Office spokesperson said: 'The government fully supports England's participation in Euro 2012. We hope this is a successful tournament for the England team, the fans, and the people of Ukraine and Poland. No ministers will be attending group games at Euro 2012. We are keeping attendance at later stages of the tournament under review in the light of ministers' busy schedules ahead of the Olympics and widespread concerns about selective justice and the rule of law in Ukraine.' If England do get to the final of the tournament - unlikely, I know, but just suppose - they will play at least five games in Ukraine. Should they get through to the knock-out phase, they will play their quarter-final in either Donetsk or Kiev. If England come second in their group and go on to win the quarter-final, their semi-final will be in Donetsk. The final is to be held in Kiev. Sports Minister Hugh Robertson would normally have been expected to go the group games, but was occupied with Olympic duties, the Department of Culture Media and Sport said. 'No final decision had been taken about which ministers were to go,' said a spokesman. Tymoshenko's daughter Eugenia this week told BBC News that she 'understood' the political boycott but wanted the tournament to go ahead. 'We understand the political boycott of European leaders who protect the rule of law, who respect human rights, who cannot go there and shake Yanukovych's hand. But I think sports events should go on. My mother, when she was in government, fought for the right to host this championship in Ukraine.' Poland, which is co-hosting the tournament with Ukraine, has warned that the EU should not push Ukraine into the arms of Russia through a boycott. President Bronislaw Komorowski told Polish state television: 'We feel that Ukraine is somewhere between a choice of integration with the Western world or a chance to participate in a customs union proposed by Russia. From this point of view, Poland has well-grounded fears that it (boycotting Ukraine) might result in Ukraine choosing a political route alternative to the process of European integration.'

If You Have A Racist Friend Now Is The Time For That Friendship To End

England are the fourth best international football team in Europe ahead of Euro 2012, according to FIFA's latest world rankings. Which shows exactly how much faith one should put in such nonsense. Roy Hodgson's side has moved up one place, from seventh to sixth, after successive 1-0 friendly victories over Norway and Belgium. Spain have retained top spot, while Germany and the Netherlands are third and fourth respectively. Uruguay are second, while Portugal have dropped five places to tenth. Croatia and Denmark are the other two European sides who occupy the top ten, while Italy (twelfth), Russia (thirteenth) and France (fourteenth) sit outside. The Republic of Ireland, who open their Euro 2012 campaign against Croatia on Sunday, are eighteenth in the world. Poland, despite moving up three places, are the lowest-ranked team in Euro 2012 in sixty second, while fellow host nation Ukraine are fifty second. Uruguay's position is an all-time high for the South Americans, while fifth-placed Brazil and seventh-placed Argentina make up the rest of the top ten. The FIFA world rankings are compiled every month, with ranking points accumulated according to results, the importance of the matches played and the strength of opposing teams. And are, frankly, a load of old toot.

Ukraine's manager claims that an act of 'sabotage' may have caused the outbreak of food poisoning affecting ten members of his Euro 2012 squad. The players suffered the illness prior to the friendly against Turkey in Germany, which they lost 2-0. 'It happened in Germany, but it is impossible to establish the causes - all ate different food,' Oleg Blokhin told Ukraine television. 'It may have been sabotage, I do not know. It cannot be accidental.' Striker Andriy Shevchenko and midfielder Anatoliy Tymoshchuk are two of the players affected.However, Ukraine were hopeful that the players would be fully fit in time for their first group match on Monday. 'They were out running this morning, so we would expect that they will all be fine for the opening game against Sweden,' said a team spokesman. Dynamo Kiev midfielder Denys Garmash was the worst affected, but was keen to prove himself after being omitted from his country's previous two games. 'He was in the roughest condition,' said team doctor Leonid Myronov. 'He was vomiting violently and we had to try to clean his stomach using all available methods of detox. He was extremely eager to play and said before the game he felt okay.' The initial problem was reported by the team masseur but it was not long until several of the co-host nation's leading players complained of similar symptoms. 'He could barely finish his work with the team,' added Myronov. 'At 4am Denys Garmash came to me with the same trouble. A bit later Taras Mykhalyk, Andriy Voronin, Artem Milevsky, Andriy Shevchenko and Anatoliy Tymoshchuk all complained of feeling indisposed.'

Oily UEFA president Michel Platini says that any players who walk off the pitch at Euro 2012 due to receiving racial abuse from the terraces will be booked. A BBC Panorama programme highlighted racism incidents at grounds in Poland and Ukraine, who co-host Euro 2012. Manchester City and Italy striker Mario Balotelli threatened to walk off the pitch if he believed he was a victim. But Platini said: 'It's a yellow card. It's not a player - Mr Balotelli - who's in charge of refereeing.' Platini insists that officials will deal with any incidents. He added: 'It's the referee who takes these decisions. Referees can finish the game. They have this power in case of racism,' Platini told the BBC's David Bond. 'That is, I think, the best way to protect the game against racism. The referee has been given advice and he can stop the game if there are problems.' Platini dismissed suggestions that his reputation would be tarnished if there was racial abuse at Euro 2012. 'My reputation because there are racists in Poland and Ukraine - are you joking? You think I am responsible for the racists in the rest of Europe or in England or in France?' he said. 'My responsibility is not to do nothing - and we have done a lot to change the rules, to change the regulations, to help You're Fair and Never Again. We help them, we do a lot for racism - but I am not responsible for society. The society is not so easy. You have some problems and we have to organise these Euros from the beginning with some problems because these two countries never welcome so big an event in the past. It was a big challenge for Poland, big challenge for Ukraine, a big challenge for UEFA - and we have done our best.' Asked about the footage shown in Panorama's documentary, he said: 'We are shocked about racists but we are trying to do something; we have to fight against that. I feel bad. Of course I feel bad because I am not a racist.' The fifty six-year-old also insisted the issue of racism is one that extends far beyond the two host nations of Euro 2012. Platini, who has been UEFA president since January 2007, said: 'If you want to have a programme on racism you can go everywhere now because there is an increase in the nationalists in many, many countries. It is not just a fact only in Poland and Ukraine. You can go in France, United States, in England and you will find the problem of racism. You have more nationalists in many, many countries in east of Europe - that is true.' The UEFA president has previously criticised the host nations, describing Ukrainian hoteliers as 'bandits' for the rising cost of accommodation and bemoaning the quality of pitches in Poland. The Ukrainian president, Viktor Yanukovych, has downplayed fears over racist attacks in Ukraine, saying hooligans were known to the authorities and security services 'will be watching all the matches closely.'

And, in another classic case of 'shoot the messenger' the BBC has been accused of 'sensationalism' over claims in the Panorama documentary that racism and antisemitism are rampant in Ukraine and Poland. Hang on, didn't we have all this in 2010 when the Panorama claimed that FIFA was full of crooks? And, sorry, remind me, wasn't that subsequently proved to be true? The documentary, Euro 2012: Stadiums of Hate, was screened last week. It included footage of Polish fans chanting antisemitic slogans and giving Nazi salutes, and showed a group of Asian supporters being beaten and punched at an end-of-season league match in Ukraine. The graphic footage prompted the former England defender Sol Campbell to urge England fans to stay away from Euro 2012 and 'watch it on TV' instead. He added: 'Don't even risk [going] because you could end up coming back in a coffin.' On Wednesday, however, Jonathan Ornstein, the executive director of the Jewish community centre in Krakow, accused the BBC of selective reporting. He said he was 'furious' at the way Panorama had 'exploited me as a source' and claimed it had 'used me and others to manipulate the serious subject of antisemitism for its own sensationalist agenda.' In an angry statement to the Economist magazine, Ornstein said Panorama's reporter Chris Rogers had interviewed him for more than an hour. Ornstein said he told Rogers that the small number of racist and antisemitic fans in Poland 'do not represent Polish society as a whole' and urged him to interview two Israeli footballers who played for Wisla Kraków. 'The reporters responded that this line of inquiry "didn't fit their story," a response which perplexed me at the time.' Ornstein complained further that the programme was 'tendentious.' It 'completely disregarded anything positive I said and aired only comments critical of Poland,' he wrote. The BBC flatly rejected Ornstein's comments. The corporation said that it had made clear the interview was being carried out in the context of football-related racism and antisemitism in Poland. It denied refusing the offer to interview the Israeli players because it 'did not fit the story.' But England fan groups also dubbed the controversial documentary 'unhelpful' and said that it had given the misleading impression racism in Ukraine was rife. Mark Perryman, the 'convenor' of the London England fans' group, said racism in Ukraine undoubtedly existed but was 'very specific' and took place at an 'inter-club' rather than at a national level, with a far-right fan culture similar to that of southern Europe. Perryman also noted that there had been no cases of racism or hooliganism when England last played in Ukraine in 2009, or during recent visits there by Premier League teams including The Arse, Stottingtot Hotshots, Sheikh Yer Man City and Everton. Yuri Bender, a journalist who follows Ukrainian football closely, described the footage of violence in the Metalist stadium in Kharkiv as 'pretty shocking.' But, he claimed the club, FC Metalist Kharkiv, had told him the fans involved were subsequently arrested and banned – a fact Panorama did not mention. The club also said that Panorama had watched another league match in Kharkiv where nothing happened, with this omitted from the film. Speaking earlier, Bender said fears of racism in Ukraine had been exaggerated. He told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'My wife, who is of Afro-Caribbean origin, and our two mixed-race children have accompanied me to Ukraine on several occasions, to Lviv in the west, Kiev in the centre and the Donbass region in the east, of which Donetsk is the capital. There has certainly been no abuse directed against them and in fact quite the opposite.' The BBC responded that it had followed up after the attack with the Ukrainian FA and the police, and had simply been told three weeks later they were investigating. It added: 'We filmed two games at the stadium and featured both in the programme. The second game was when the attack took place. At the first game we filmed several thousand people appearing to give a Nazi salute. This was shown in the programme. We also interviewed the local police chief who claimed that this was actually the fans pointing at the opposing fans.' But, let's be brutally honest about this, nothing excuses the disgusting words and actions shown in the BBC programme or, frankly, the denials and passive-aggressive blame-shifting from the host countries. 'There's racism other places, too!' is one of the cheapest and lamest excuses there is.

In The Eurozone

England defender Gary Cahill has been ruled out of Euro 2012 with a double fracture of his jaw after being smashed in the mush by some naughty Belgian. Liverpool's Martin Kelly has been called up as his replacement, the Football Association have confirmed. England concluded their preparations for Euro 2012 with a win over Belgium that gave new manager Roy Hodgson his second successive victory since taking charge. The Scum striker Danny Welbeck stated his case for inclusion in England's opening game against France in Donetsk with a cleverly taken first-half goal after fine work from club-mate Ashley Young. As in the 1-0 win against Norway in Oslo, this was an England performance built on the foundations of solid defence and tactical discipline. Hodgson's approach may not illuminate proceedings in Poland and Ukraine but early evidence suggests they will be tough to break down. Belgium, with Moscow Chelski-bound Eden Hazard and a host of Premier League talent in their line-up, dominated territory for long spells but once again England demonstrated admirable resolve to ensure they leave for their Krakow base this week with another win to accompany them. If there is a concern, it was the amount of possession England were prepared to concede to Belgium. Against a better side (say, France) they might have been punished for such sloppiness. The visitors were unable to take advantage but Hodgson will know his side must beware against superior opposition carrying a greater threat in front of goal. And this friendly was not without its injury worries, with defender Cahill substituted early on after a nasty, needless push by Dries Mertens that caused him to collide with goalkeeper Joe Hart and putting the ex-Notlob centre back out of his first major international tournament. Moscow Chelski team-mate John Terry was also left needing a scan after going off with a hamstring injury. Welbeck, in particular, will be happy with his work. Hodgson must now consider whether to promote him above Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' Andy Carroll as Young's strike partner against France. Belgium did provide an anxious moment late on when Guillaume Gillet hit the post, but substitute Jermain Defoe also had a similar near miss for England. Hodgson, however, will be satisfied with another opportunity to see more of his squad play before the serious action starts, their number including Wayne Rooney, who came on as a second-half substitute even though he will miss the first two games of Euro 2012 through suspension. As Hodgson continues to formulate his plans, he handed a first England start to The Arse teenager Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and the youngster showed no sign of nerves as he was prominent early on. Belgium had seen more of the ball than England but it was Hodgson's side that made the breakthrough after thirty six minutes with a goal that was a delight in its creation and conclusion. Young's measured pass found Welbeck, who waited for keeper Simon Mignolet to make his move before scoring with a deft, lofted finish. Hodgson was clearly keen to give Rooney some game time so he was introduced as a substitute for Welbeck after fifty three minutes, his first action since The Scum's final game of the Premier League season at Sunderland on 13 May.

John Barnes and David Pleat have both supported Roy Hodgson's decision not to call up Rio Ferdinand to England's Euro 2012 squad. Ferdinand's 'representative', Jamie Moralee, whoever the hell he is, reportedly accused the England manager of showing Ferdinand 'a lack of respect.' But Pleat has described Moralee as 'out of order' for his comments. 'Everyone's international career comes to an end, it's not a question of being disrespectful in leaving someone out,' added Barnes. 'I had seventy nine caps and I was left out because my time was over. You have to back the manager.' Ferdinand, who has eighty one caps for England, was left out of the original squad before being overlooked again when Gary Cahill was ruled out of the tournament through injury on Sunday. Liverpool defender Martin Kelly was preferred to the thirty three-year-old who last played for his country in June 2011. Pleat, who managed both Tottenham and Sheffield Wednesday, badly, is also backing the new England boss. 'I think the agent of Ferdinand is really out of order,' Pleat told BBC 5Live. 'I think agents of other players could equally make a case from time to time. Micah Richards evidently has had a very good season and he's been shunned, so to speak. Nobody has a divine right to play in the side, I think some of the headlines are very dramatic. Yes Ferdinand is thirty three, he's played around thirty games or so this season, and he has done well since January, but Hodgson's] got a natural attacker of the ball in John Terry. I think it's for footballing reasons and Roy has got four players now who can cover at centre-back. I think a right footer and a left footer in Terry and Lescott is a decent combination.'

Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws striker Craig Bellamy says he has been included in the Team GB squad for the Olympics. Coach Stuart Pearce is allowed to name three players over the age of twenty three in his eighteen-man squad - and Wales international Bellamy, thirty two, has been widely quoted as claiming that he has been included. 'I am in the Olympic squad but I was supposed to keep it quiet,' he said. Yeah, that might've been an idea. 'It's a different challenge. I had a difficult season with Liverpool but the Olympics is a one-off.' Pearce is expected to name his squad for the games later in June. Former England captain David Beckham has made no secret of his desire to be included and The Scum will allow former Wales skipper Ryan Giggs to feature. Miss Josephine Cole, Scotland striker Steven Fletcher and Northern Ireland midfielder Chris Brunt have also been touted as potential over-age players. Team GB's first fixture is against Senegal at Old Trafford on 29 July.

And, speaking of hugely annoying mouthy tanner-ball players, Joey Barton has been punched in the face outside a nightclub in Liverpool. Police have seemingly narrowed down a list of suspects. To everyone. Merseyside Police said that officers were called to Eberle Street at about 5:30am following reports of a disturbance outside the Garlands club. They confirmed that a twenty nine-year-old man who had been injured left the scene voluntarily. Two twenty one-year-olds from the Old Swan area of the city are being held on suspicion of a public order offence and are currently in police custody. Barton later tweeted: 'I got sucker punched in the back of the head. Not injured as reported just a small bruise on rear of head/ear. I've had worse. Life goes on! Thanks for the concern.' Later he added: 'Not planning on pressing charges as it's not that serious. The police have also got better things to do with their time. Can I just say a public thanks to the police last night as they were and have been today brilliant.' A picture of the incident, apparently showing a shirtless Barton being held back by police and a woman, appeared on the site earlier. In a statement, QPR spokesman Ian Taylor said: 'Barton was on his way home from a night out with his girlfriend when two men sang offensive chants and then proceeded to hit the QPR midfielder.' Barton was banned for twelve matches after being sent off in Queens Park Strangers' defeat at Sheikh Yer Man City on the final day of the season. The Football Association found him guilty of two counts of violent conduct. And, 'being a nutter.'

The Dawning Of A New Era

Huddersfield Town boss Simon Grayson credited former manager Lee Clark after they were promoted to the Championship. The Terriers beat Yorkshire rivals Sheffield United eight-seven on penalties after one hundred and twenty minutes of stalemate minutes failed to separate the two teams in the play-off final at Wembley. Grayson took over from Clark in February and told BBC Sport: 'Credit goes to Lee Clark because he put most of that team together. We came in with a remit to finish the job off and we've managed to do that.' The former Leeds boss has now guided three teams to promotion from League One having taken Blackpool up via the play-offs in 2007 and sealing automatic promotion with the Elland Road club in 2010. Despite the positive result he admitted he is yet to put his mark on the team: 'This promotion is different. We came in at the end of February so we only had three months to work with the players. There'll be players with us here today that may not be with the club next season and it won't be until then that I stamp my authority on the team.' Blades keeper Steve Simonsen missed the vital penalty for his side to hand victory to the Terriers. Grayson praised United's efforts: 'Sometimes it's written in the stars and you have a bit of luck. How we recovered from missing our first three penalties I'll never know. I feel sorry for Sheffield United because someone had to lose and they're a good team with a good manager. Hopefully they can go up next year.' Reading loanee Sean Morrison was successful in his attempt from the spot, to cap off an impressive display alongside Town skipper Peter Clarke. The Huddersfield boss was unsure whether he would be able to retain the services of the twenty one-year-old centre-half: 'We'll assess the situation with the chairman. He's not our player. He's got a very good partnership with Peter but whether we try and sign him will depend on other availabilities and budgets I have at my disposal.' Personally, the moment that Simonsen missed his kick the first thought that went through yer actual Keith Telly Topping's head was of the ignorant numskull who pulled a knife on yer actual Keith Telly Topping after his beloved (though even then unsellable) Magpies had beaten the Blades in an FA Cup semi-final in 1998. Purely, it would seem, because yer actual Keith Telly Topping happened to be walking the wrong way down a street after the game in which his team had lost. I hope you enjoy another year in division three, pal.

Roy Hodgson's reign as England manager began in Oslo's Ullevaal Stadium with a first win against Norway in thirty two years. Ashley Young's early goal provided the decisive moment of a rather low-key friendly that turned into an audition for several of Hodgson's shadow squad as he formulates his final plans for Euro 2012 after replacing Fabio Capello. England showed early signs of the tactical discipline that will be demanded by Hodgson. And while the performance hardly set pulses racing, it should be remembered that the side that starts the serious action against France in Donestsk on 11 June will not resemble the one on show in Oslo. Hodgson also has Wayne Rooney to call on once he has served a two-match suspension at the start of the tournament - and it is abundantly clear that England will rely as heavily as ever on Rooney's ability to shape the outcome of important games. If Hodgson was looking for early evidence of what he must improve before the tournament gets under way in Poland and Ukraine, it was carelessness in possession - especially in the second half - that will not go unpunished against opposition superior to Norway. Hodgson was able to introduce Arsenal teenager Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain for his debut late on as this makeshift England line-up closed out a victory that was solid for the most part without ever threatening to be spectacular. There was also an injury scare for Hodgson as midfielder Gareth Barry, who was substituted after replacing captain Steven Gerrard at the start of the second half, was replaced by Liverpool's Jordan Henderson with seventeen minutes left. Hodgson admitted there would be an early element of experimentation about England's side, with his focus firmly on that opening Euro 2012 meeting with France, perhaps even above getting a victory in Norway. He would still have been looking for encouraging signs, however, especially from striker Andy Carroll. The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haw forward's presence has taken on increasing importance with Rooney suspended and Danny Welbeck's ankle injury still a source of concern. And Carroll provided a hint of what Hodgson was looking for in the opening minutes as he sent a header wide from Stewart Downing's cross before playing a role in Young's fine individual effort after nine minutes. Carroll played in Young and the Manchester United winger took advantage of desperately flat-footed defending from Fulham's Brede Hangeland and an intelligent decoy run from Gerrard to beat keeper Rune Almenning Jarstein. England's formation was a rigid four-four-two against a Norway side of surprisingly limited ambition and on one of the rare occasions James Milner got in the action he forced a save from Jarstein. Gerrard had been loudly cheered before kick-off as a result of Liverpool's large Norwegian following - but he was being jeered as the villain by the time he ended his forty five-minute appearance after a heavy challenge that resulted in Tom Hogli being replaced by Espen Ruud. The second half was a scrappy affair, not helped by the disruption of substitutions. Oxlade-Chamberlain was given his England debut late on in place of Young, while Henderson came on for Barry. England's failure to retain the ball inevitably encouraged Norwegian pressure and keeper Robert Green needed to be alert to block John Arne Riise's powerful drive at his near post. As the game drew to a muted conclusion, there was even time for Liverpool defender Martin Kelly, who did not make England's stand-by list for Euro 2012, to get his first cap as an eighty seventh-minute substitute. It underlined the experimental nature of this fixture, a fact acknowledged by Hodgson as he began his tenure with victory.

Craig Levein suffered his heaviest defeat as Scotland boss as the USA raced to a 5-1 victory in Florida.  Which was funny. Effing hilarious, so it was. The kick-off was delayed by more than twenty minutes as a record crowd turned up in Jacksonville to see the hosts make a flying start through Landon Donovan. Michael Bradley had the Scots two down after eleven minutes before a Geoff Cameron own-goal halved the deficit. But Donovan struck two more to claim his hat-trick and Jermaine Jones's seventieth minute header completed the rout. The result proved to be ample reward for the majority of the forty four thousand fans as they watched the US make the gulf between the two nations appear far greater than the nineteen places which separate them in the FIFA World Rankings.

The Netherlands played the first of three warm-up matches on home soil in the next week on Saturday evening, but opponents Bulgaria ran out surprise 2-1 winners at the Amsterdam Arena.Dutch coach Bert van Marwijk opted to start with Newcastle's Tim Krul between the posts, the twenty four year-old winning his third senior cap. The home side led 1-0 at the break but Krul was then beaten by a fiftieth minute spot-kick and could do nothing to prevent an injury time winner. Before kick-off, the United 'keeper was confirmed as one of three custodians in the Netherlands squad for Euro 2012 and with AS Roma's Maarten Stekelenburg struggling for fitness, Krul has been chosen to start against Bulgaria ahead of Swansea City's Michel Vorm.

It's Gonna Cost Ya

England fans heading to Euro 2012 have been warned about the potential for high mobile phone bills because Ukraine is outside an EU-wide cap on call charges. Fans travelling with smartphones could be opening bills mounting up to more than five grand if they are not careful about their usage, according to a study by price comparison website uSwitch.com. Mobile phone networks have been forced to cap roaming charges within Eurozone countries at thirty five pence per minute to make calls, eleven pence per minute to receive calls and eleven pence to send a standard text message, as well as a fifty euro cap on data, with these caps set to fall further from 1 July. But this is not the case for destinations outside the EU. Based on average costs across the five major networks, using a mobile phone in Ukraine to make and receive just two five-minute phone calls per day, listen to a two-minute voicemail message and send five text messages and one photo message would run up a bill of thirty five smackers per day, according to uSwitch. And with the cost of one megabyte of mobile Internet data in Ukraine costing an average of over six quid, a smartphone user could ring up a daily data bill of two hundred and twenty eight knicker with a modest amount of video streaming, emailing, browsing websites and using services like Skype to keep in touch, the website warned. Those fans visiting Ukraine for the nine days from 11 June when England play their pool matches could have to pay an extra two thousand three hundred and sixty two knicker on top of their usual monthly phone bills. And those who stay in Ukraine from the first pool match on 11 June until the final on 1 July face a total bill of more than five thousand notes - more than eleven times the cost of a ticket to the final in the best seats, which will set fans back four hundred and eight two quid, uSwitch said. Or, they could just stay at home and watch it on the BBC for their one hundred and forty quid licence fee, of course. Mind you, the beer's cheaper in the Ukraine, apparently. It recommended that fans 'curb their mobile usage' and take other steps such as buying a local SIM and using free Wi-Fi to avoid coming home to a huge bill. USwitch.com technology expert Ernest Doku said: 'Watching England might be priceless, but using your mobile phone abroad isn't. Footie fans have to think ahead as using their phones while following England could add more than five thousand pounds to what is likely to be an already expensive trip. The first thing England fans going to Ukraine - or indeed anyone taking a holiday outside the EU - should do is talk to their network. They may be able to advise a bundle, or at least let you know the costs involved with using your phone abroad. Those using their phone can help to limit the damage by keeping data roaming switched off as much as possible. At the moment, O2 and Vodafone are the only networks that place an automatic cap on data usage worldwide for pay monthly customers and O2, Orange and Vodafone all send text alerts so customers can keep track of their data spend. T-Mobile has told us it plans to introduce a new system to prevent customers from running up unexpected data bills abroad and hopefully this will be in place before Euro 2012 kicks off. When it comes to calls and text messages, the best way to keep costs down to an absolute minimum is to buy a local SIM card, put it in your phone and top it up. Those mobile users wanting to go online should be on the ball and use free Wi-Fi to help keep a lid on costs.'

Alan Pardew hopes that Newcastle United's targets all 'flop' at Euro 2012 – so that the club isn't priced out of the market. A clutch of players involved in the European Championships have been watched by Pardew and his staff this season. Lille right-back Mathieu Debuchy, a close friend of Magpie Yohan Cabaye, is a possible replacement for Danny Simpson, should Simpson leave this summer as rumoured. Debuchy was this week named in Laurent Blanc's provisional France squad along with Montepellier defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, who has also been linked with a move to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle. Pardew's scouting team, headed up by Graham Carr, will track their progress at the championships, and the fear is that a target's price goes through the roof on the back of a strong tournament before a deal can be done. However, the flipside is that some players' valuations may drop. 'We'll be represented at the Euros,' Pardew said. 'There are a couple of players we're looking at, and as far as I'm concerned, I hope they have an awful one! The valuations will go up and down – we'll look at that. Someone's reputations will go through the roof, and someone's won't. That might affect the price.' While Newcastle, ideally, want to do their summer transfer business early, that is only possible if the selling club is ready to come to the table. Pardew believes that many clubs will hold off doing business until after the tournament in the hope that their assets increase in value. 'Most clubs want to hold off to see how their players do,' added Pardew. Meanwhile, Yohan Cabaye says the whole is greater than the sum of the parts at Newcastle. The midfielder was a hugely influential figure in the club's fine season, which ended with a fifth-placed finish in the Premier League and qualification for the Europa League. Cabaye left Lille last summer looking for a new challenge after helping the club to the French double. His decision to join Newcastle was questioned in France. However, Cabaye hasn't looked back since crossing the Channel. The twenty six-year-old, also in Blanc's preliminary Euro 2012 squad, said he has 'no regrets' about joining United. Cabaye, is already looking forward to playing in the Europa League next season. 'Finishing fifth was beyond the expectations of the club and fans,' said Cabaye. 'We had a long unbeatean run at the start of the season, which helped gain confidence.' Cabaye is part of a growing group of French and Francophone players, among them Hatem Ben Arfa, Demba Ba, Sylvain Marveaux, Cheick Tiote and Papiss Demba Cisse. And fitting into to United's multi-national and multi-cultural dressing room was easy. 'There are many French and African players here, as at Arsenal, so there isn't a language barrier, which makes things easier,' added Cabaye, signed for a cut-price £4.3m after being identifield by the club's chief scout, Graham Carr. 'We get along well with everyone – there really is a good atmosphere in this group. We do not exclude anyone.' Cabaye is a certainty to make the Blanc's final squad for the summer's European Championships, where France will meet England in the group stage. And he credits his move to the Premier League with helping his international career. Asked about his move to Newcastle, Cabaye told French radio station RMC: 'Newcastle was the only club with which negotiations were initiated. This was the only real offer I received, but I did not go there by default. After the title and the Cup victory in France, I think collectively and individually it was not possible to do more. I needed to grow, and I’m really happy with my choice. It even helped me to play more with Les Bleus.'

The Greedy Shit Michael Owen, who once spent four years at Newcastle getting paid a quite obscene amount of money - the equivalent of the gross national product of a small third world country - to lie on a treatment table, has revealed on Twitter that The Scum will not be offering him a new deal. Oh dear. What a pity. The thirty two-year-old former England forward joined the Old Trafford club in July 2009, moving faster than he ever had in any match during the previous four years but has made just fifty two appearances. Bright side, Mikey, if you'd been a horse, you'd've been put out of your misery by now. 'The manager informed me after our testimonial match on Tuesday that the club would not be offering me a new contract,' said Owen. 'I have loved every minute of the three years I have spent at such a fantastic club.' Owen, who also had spells with Liverpool and Real Madrid as well as the Newcastle treatment table, added: 'I would like to thank the players, staff and fans for their support and wish them well for the future. I now plan to have a short holiday during which I will contemplate my next move.' I hope the odious Little Shit ends up at some League Two club getting lumps kicked out of him on a weekly basis by big, oafish clodhopping defenders. Owen's last game in a United shirt came in Belfast on Tuesday in a testimonial for former goalkeeper Harry Gregg. His time at Old Trafford was, as usual, blighted by injuries - and whinging that hge couldn't get into the England team - and he managed just four league and cup appearances this season with his final one coming in United's 2-0 win over Otelul Galati during the Champions League group stages in November when he sustained 'a thigh injury.'

Sour-faced miserable Scotsman Kenny Dalglish has been sacked as Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws manager. Which is funny. No, I mean, really funny. 'After a careful and deliberative review of the season, the club came to the decision that a change was appropriate,' read a statement. 'Results in the Premier League have been disappointing and we believe to build on the progress that has already been made, we need to make a change.' And, they reckon the best way to achieve this is to kick miserable, sour-faced Scotsman Dalglish's arse out of the door, seemingly. Dalglish said that his 'departure' (ie sacking) had been handled in a 'honourable, respectful and dignified way.' By saying 'kenny, you're sacked', basically. Owners Fenway Sports Group stressed that the decision to remove - ie. sack - Dalglish 'was not reached lightly or hastily' (albeit, it occurred just four days after the end of the current Premier League season ... so, that's pretty hasty, one might observe) and that the search for a new manager would 'begin immediately.' Wigan manager Roberto Martinez and former Reds boss Rafael Benitez have been installed as early favourites to fill the vacancy, with former Moscow Chelski gaffer André Villas-Boas also being widely tipped. Dalglish's departure - ie. sacking - comes after face-to-face talks with principal owners John W Henry and Tom Werner in Boston on Monday. The sixty one-year-old has paid the price for Liverpool's poor Premier League performances, especially at Anfield. Despite reaching the FA Cup final and winning the Carling Cup, the Reds finished eighth in the top flight having lost as many games as they won. 'I am disappointed with results in the league, but I would not have swapped the Carling Cup win for anything as I know how much it meant to our fans and the club to be back winning trophies,' said Dalglish. 'It has been an honour and a privilege to have had the chance to come back to Liverpool as manager. Whilst I am obviously disappointed to be leaving, the matter has been handled by the owners and all concerned in an honourable, respectful and dignified way and reflects on the quality of the people involved and their continued desire to move the football club forward.' Werner insisted that the club owed a 'great deal of gratitude' to Dalglish. 'Kenny came into the club as manager at our request at a time when Liverpool Football Club really needed him,' he added. 'He didn't ask to be manager; he was asked to assume the role. He did so because he knew the club needed him.' Dalglish had been expected to take a holiday this week, but flew to the US instead to review the season with Henry and Werner. Dalglish's dismissal follows the departure of director of football Damien Comolli and the club's head of sports medicine Peter Brukner in April. Dalglish returned to manage the club for a second time in the wake of Roy Hodgson's departure in January 2011, initially on a caretaker basis until the end of the season. After a strong finish to the season he was made permanent manager on 12 May 2011 on a three-year contract, but has been unable to carry that momentum into the new campaign. Dalglish's second stint in charge at Anfield also proved controversial. The Scot defended Luis Suarez in the wake of the striker's ban for racially abusing Manchester United defender Patrice Evra when the teams met in October. After the Uruguayan's apparent refusual to shake Evra's hand in the return fixture in February, an apology from both the player and the manager came only after the intervention of the US owners. Hopefully the public humiliation dished out during the 2-0 defeat of the Scousers at St James' Park in April also helped bring about his demise as the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws 'global brand' took another bashing. Perhaps more damaging for the USA owners was Dalglish's appalling media persona, which saw him continuing to defend Luis Suarez even after the Uruguayan had been found guilty of racial abuse. Dalglish also seemed intent on fielding some of the most inoffensive questions imaginable with sarcasm and hostility during pre and post match TV interviews - something which he had previously mastered during his time on Tyneside.

The Squad

The new England manager Roy Hodgson has confirmed that John Terry will travel to Poland and the Ukraine as part of his squad for the European Championship, while Rio Ferdinand will stay at home. Hodgson also underlined his determination to usher in a new generation of England players by including The Arse's eighteen-year-old winger Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain in his Euro 2012 squad. Despite speculation to the contrary, Paul Scholes has not been tempted out of international retirement, while his team-mate Michael Carrick is not even on the standby list. The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws winger Stewart Downing and his team-mate Andy Carroll will also be travelling to the championships despite mixed seasons for their club following big money moves. Moscow Chelskia's Daniel Sturridge and the Stottingtot Hotshots winger Aaron Lennon are among those who have also missed out, although the former is one of five players on standby. With Wayne Rooney suspended for the first two group matches, Carroll, The Scum's Danny Welbeck and the Spurs striker Jermain Defoe will compete to start the matches against France and Sweden. Rooney will return for the final match against the Ukraine. As expected, the new England manager left Ferdinand out of his provisional twenty three man squad – effectively ending his international career. The former England captain Terry, who is facing a court appearance after the tournament in the face of claims that he racially abused Ferdinand's brother, the QPR defender Anton, has made the cut as one of seven defenders. Terry denies the charges. It was the FA's decision to strip Terry of the captaincy that led to the departure of Fabio Capello in February and created the vacancy filled by Hodgson earlier this month. The retention of Terry, who met with Hodgson on Monday at Moscow Chelski's training ground, and the absence of Ferdinand will ensure that the swirl of controversy that surrounds the Moscow Chelski FC player will continue for the duration of the tournament. Hodgson – appointed earlier this month with just weeks to spare before England's opening game of the tournament against France in the Ukraine on 11 June – has also selected Downing despite the winger's underwhelming first season with the Merseyside club. And his seeming inability to cross a ball, a bit of a drawback in any winger. While not quite as much of a surprise as Sven-Goran Eriksson's selection of Theo Walcott – also in today's squad – for the 2006 World Cup, the wildcard pick of Oxlade-Chamberlain will divide opinion. Despite winning plaudits for his speed and skill, Oxlade-Chamberlain has started only six matches in the Premier League and Arsène Wenger has used him sparingly. Neither Lennon nor Carrick have even made the standby list, while Jordan Henderson – yet another who has had an indifferent start to his Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws career – is one of five on the list. England face two warm-up games before their first match against France, playing Norway in Oslo on 26 May and Belgium at Wembley on 2 June. Hodgson this week appointed Gary Neville as a coach on his backroom staff.

Deeply Unpleasant (And Small)

Arch psycho nutter - and convicted thug - Joey Barton is, reportedly, facing up to a ten‑game ban after appearing to assault at least three Sheikh Yer Man City players during yet another shameful episode in the controversial midfielder's colourful career. The Queen's Park Stranger was sent from the field for violent conduct after elbowing Carlos Tevez in the mush during his side's 3-2 defeat to City on Sunday. After receiving his red card, Barton then kicked Sergio Agüero up the arse for no obvious reason, before appearing to aim a headbutt in the direction of City's captain, Vincent Kompany. Barton then had to be restrained from moving towards Mario Balotelli for another confrotnation on the touchline before he finally headed down the tunnel. The Football Association is almost certain to hand Barton a severe punishment once it has received the match official's report. Barton remained defiant afterwards and even admitted his actions were a cynical and quite sickening attempt to get a rival player sent off. In a series of tweets, Barton - never a chap short of an opinion, on pretty much anything - wrote: 'Can do nothing but apologise to the players and the fans. Still don't think it's a sending off. Tried to take one of their players with me.' What a class act he is, dear blog reader. Thnak Christ he's not playing for my club any more. He added: 'Still not my proudest moment but who gives a fuck? We are safe. And that is all that matters.' One imagines, very much, that the FA will, as it were, 'give a fuck.' Whilst Barton - once jailed for assaulting a man outside a Merseyside McDonald's - appeared entirely unrepentant, his manager, Mark Hughes, admitted that the officials had got it right. But, Hughes refused to blame his captain for his actions, which could have cost his team their survival had Notlob Wanderers managed to beat Stoke City. As it was, Stoke fought back for a 2-2 draw, meaning The Strangers stayed up despite their defeat, which could have been an unlikely victory had it not been for two City goals in injury time. 'If we'd have pulled it off and actually won the game I think it would have been the greatest Premier League performance in history, because of the significance of the game and the attention focused on it. I'm immensely proud of the players and what they produced,' said Hughes. 'It's a huge achievement, because people have no idea what I walked into, to be perfectly honest. And to be able to bring the group together and galvanise them, and you saw what they were able to produce today in unbelievable circumstances, I think it shows great credit to QPR.' Hughes vowed that they would not have to fight relegation again as long as he remains manager. 'This club will never be in this situation again while I'm here managing the club so we'll be fine. We're going to build and we're going to create a club that's going to be really strong in the Premier League. That's the aim of everybody connected to QPR – we're going to enjoy the summer and there'll be a lot of hard work when we come back.' Regarding Barton's red card in the fifty fifth-minute, Hughes said: 'We were disappointed we lost Joey to a sending-off which shouldn't have happened. But that's the only negative on an otherwise fantastic day for QPR. He should have been sent off, without a shadow of a doubt. Absolutely.' Hughes added: 'I haven't seen the incident and I haven't spoken to Joey but people who saw it were saying he had to go. I haven't seen it myself, so I shouldn't comment but, like I say, it was a sending-off. There were a lot of people on the pitch and you don't want to see those scenes. But we didn't allow that to disrupt what we were trying to do and went up the other end of the pitch and scored a fantastic goal.' Pressed that if Bolton had won then Barton's crass actions might have cost QPR their Premier League status, Hughes went down the 'if ifs and ands were pots and pans' route: 'Yeah, but it didn't. I understand there will be a lot of comments about what happened and Joey and his behaviour but please forgive me, I'd rather just concentrate on what we did. I thought it was fantastic the way the guys stuck at it in unbelievable circumstances and we nearly did it.' Hughes, who was sacked as Sheikh Yer Man City manager before Roberto Mancini took over in December 2009, had kind words for his former club and their first title since 1968. 'I congratulate them – it's a huge achievement for them and I'm sure there will be many more in the future,' he said. 'It was all the more exciting because of [the excitement] – the circumstances of the game I think was unbelievable – I don't think I've ever been involved in something like that, so it's a great day for everybody.' Hughes's sole disparagement of his side was that they relaxed when ahead. 'The one criticism was that we understood that we were safe so maybe we just switched off for one second – that's all you need to do when you're up against a team like City. I'm a little bit flat – that's because I'm disappointed we got beat, so maybe we're a little bit greedy, so there you go.' Hughes, who replaced Neil Warnock in January, was asked what he had walked into then. 'It was a club that didn't have things in place that you need to be successful, to have the support structures in place to be consistently good week-in, week-out, and all those things needed to be put in place, and a dressing room that was a little bit fragmented because there was a new manager. So we had to bring all that together and try to mend it quickly and thankfully that's what we did.' Pablo Zabaleta opened the scoring for City on thirty nine minutes before goals from Djibril Cissé on forty eight minutes and Jamie Mackie in the sixty sixth gave The Strangers the lead. As The Scum were beating Blunderland 1-0, Roberto Mancini's men needed to score twice as the match entered the five minutes of added time. Goals from Edin Dzeko and Agüero handed City the title and Hughes said: 'At 2-1, I couldn't see City getting back into it, to be honest. I just felt they'd lost their direction and they were knocking aimless balls into our penalty box, just hoping something was going to break for them, and in the end it did. If you keep putting balls in decent areas, sometimes it works for you, and I think Roberto would have to admit he's been lucky today.' Barton, meanwhile, continued to pour fuel on the fire by taking to Twitter again al through Sunday evening and into the early hours of Monday having a right go at all and sundry including his former Newcastle boss, Alan Shearer, now a pundit on Match of the Day. He posted: 'Shearers [sic] still on my case. I know I "fucked up" Alan, thanks for stating the obvious. Whilst were both stating the obvious about each other, can I just say for the record what a great player u [sic] were. But I have a better hair (which is not hard), wear well-better shirts on TV and have a personality (something u [sic] lack). My final point, ur [sic] a shit pundit/manager. I really don't like that prick, in fact I honestly despise him.' Well, that's sure to go down well on Tyneside, one imagines. Although it's probably made Barton welcome in certain parts of Wearside, and most of Essex, Wiltshire and anywhere else than Manchester United supporters live. Shearer's Match of the Day colleague and national treasure Gary Lineker then took to Twitter himself and claimed that Barton's attack on Big Al was nothing but an attempt to deflect attention away from his own misconduct. Barton responded to deny Lineker's accusations, posting: 'No deflections here, mate. Think the fact about one hundred million people seen it [sic] will see to that. Just don't like how he gets personal.' He also noted: 'I'd take it off Hansen and Gary Lineker but not from that bell. Same fella that stamped on Neil Lennon, then threatened FA if they banned him.' This, ladies and gentleman, from a man once jailed for six months for kicking a man twenty times, described by the judge as 'a violent and cowardly act.' When Lineker responded, asking Barton if he was 'still kicking out' and still believing that he was 'misunderstood', it sparked another explosion from the Barton Twitter feed. 'Do u [sic] wanna go there publicly "Mr Squeaky Clean"?' tweeted Barton, before threatening to expose 'skeletons' in Lineker's 'vast closet.' What these skeletons are, or how he knew about them, Barton did not elaborate. A pity, really, as one imagines the court case ensuing from that would have been vastly entertaining. He added: 'Mind ur [sic] manners Squeaky.' He signed off by saying: 'Now back under your stone you odious little toad.' You know dear blog reader, when Joey Barton really puts his mind to it and tries very hard, he appears to stop being a deeply unpleasant individual and becomes instead, a deeply unpleasant, small individual. And that takes some doing. He added: 'Right enough about yesterday, I apologise to everyone offended by it. If that's not enough for some, so be it. Life is too short. Things happen on the pitch, in the heat of battle sometimes. Not how we always plan them to happen.' Then, quoting The Smiths' 'Still Ill', he concluded: 'For there are brighter sides to life and I should know because I seen them, but not very often.'

The nail-biting finale to the Premier League football season delivered bumper overnight ratings for Sky Sports and Match of the Day on Sunday, with more than three million punters watching Sheikh Yer Man City clinch the title with their injury time win over Queen's Park Strangers on the BSkyB pay-TV channel. And, The Scum winning nothing, which was an added bonus. Live Super Sunday on Sky Sports 1, which was showing the City game, averaged 1.72m viewers, between 2pm and 6pm on Sunday, peaking with 3.19m just the final, extraordinary ten minutes. Sister channel Sky Sports 2, which screened title rivals The Scum's 1-0 win over Blunderland at the Stadium of Shite averaged six hundred and seventy two thousand viewers between 2.55pm and 5pm, peaking with just over eight hundred thousand. Sky Sports News, which updated viewers on all the Premier League action had an unusually high five hundred thousand viewers for its Gillette Soccer Saturday show with Jeff Stelling at the chaps, peaking with nine hundred and seven thousand viewers towards the end of the show. Unbelievable. The sports news channel was up a whopping one hundred and eighty one per cent on its slot average over the past three months, while Sky Sports 2 was up one hundred and forty one per cent. BBC1's Match of the Day highlights of the final day of the season had 4.06m viewers a between 10.25pm and midnight, peaking with 5.6m.

Sour-faced grumpy old Scotsman Kenny Dalglish was especially sour-faced and grumpy on Sunday as he reacted angrily to reports he is set to leave Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws this summer after the campaign ended with a 1-0 defeat at Swansea. Some newspapers claim that the Scot will be replaced by Wigan's Roberto Martinez. Danny Graham's one hundredth career goal condemned Liverpool to their worst finish for nineteen seasons. But Dalglish insisted he is going nowhere and said: 'I expect the owners to have more dignity and integrity than to believe a story in a newspaper.' The performance of Dalglish, his staff and the club in general will come under scrutiny when he convenes with owners John W Henry and Tom Werner in the days ahead. Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws have slipped to an eighth-place finish in the Premier League having won fourteen of their thirty eight fixtures. The defeat by Swansea capped a miserable season of frustration for the Reds. Michel Vorm made one stunning save to keep out Andy Carroll's overhead kick and another low stop to deny the striker. Grumpy sour-faced Dalglish felt his side had deserved 'at least a point.' However, he reluctantly acknowledged that their campaign, which ended with Liverpool - 'one of the top four sides in England' according to their greedy, risible managing director, and 'a top six side' according their Twitter-happy left-back - not even the top side in Liverpool, finishing below local rivals Everton for the first time since 2005, had, simply, not been good enough. 'I think on the second-half performance, the least they deserved was a point,' he whinged. But, everybody was too busy laughing to hear what he said next.

Last Day Drama

Sheikh Yer Man City FC scored two dramatic injury-time goals to see-off ten-man Queen's Park Strangers and win the Premier League title on Sunday afternoon. Pablo Zabaleta had put City ahead before Herman Munster lookalike Joleon Lescott's calamitous mistake let Djibril Cisse (himself no oil painting) in to blast home an equaliser. Then, arch psycho nutter Joey Barton was sent-off for a clash with Carlos Tevez. Tevez had appeared to strike Barton first but Barton's reaction of elbowing the Argentine, hard, reet in the mush was spotted by the linesman. The referee, Mike Dean, produced a red card and chaos ensued as Barton went off-it. Before eventually leaving the field, he kicked Sergio Aguero up a-height and then aimed to try and stick-the-heed on City captain Vincent Kompany as Kompany attempted to intervene in the melee. City substitute Micah Richards raced onto the pitch to drag his old mate Barton off as Barton continued to engage in on-going rows with various City players and coaches, appearing to attempt to break free from Richards at one point and have a go at Mario Balotelli. Which, frankly, would've been a sight to see in and of itself had it happened. But it didn't. On Sky's Soccer Special Jeff Stelling suggested there seemed a genuine possibility that, if he hadn't been stopped, Barton might have attempted to take on the entire City team on his own. BBC pundit Garth Crooks noted: 'This will go beyond the summer. When the FA see this there will be reprisals. It's extraordinary. You can only describe it as an assault on Carlos Tevez. He should get a six-month ban, for that incident alone.' He stopped just short of 'oh, the humanity,' though. The Football Association will, no doubt, now analyse the incident and it is more than likely that Barton will face a lengthy suspension for his behaviour. 'I've not seen it,' Mark Hughes claimed, having seemingly developed a dose of Arsene Wenger's selective myopia. One wonders what Barton will have to say about that on Twitter. This, actually. Remarkably, soon afterwards Jamie Mackie put the Strangers in front with an excellent goal against the run of play. With The Scum's beating Blunderland 1-0 at The Stadium of Shite thanks to a Wayne Rooney goal, City looked set to miss out on the their first League Championship title since they won the old First Division in 1968 but, deep, deep into injury time Edin Dzeko levelled with a header and then, with virtually the last kick of the game, Aguero won it for the Blues. Despite all that, and crazy Barton's best efforts, the Strangers still managed to stay up themselves, as hapless Notlob could only draw 2-2 at Stoke. The Arse secured a place in next season's Champions League with a thrilling victory at The Hawthorns which owed much to a series of dreadful errors made by West Bromwich Albino's goalkeeper Marton Fulop. The 3-2 victory means twisty-faced Arsene Wenger's side finished the season in third place ahead of their North London rivals Happy Harry's hapless Sottingtot Hotshots whose 2-0 victory over Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance saw them finish fourth. They will now have to wait until Moscow Chelski FC's Champions League final next week against yer actual Bayern München. Should the crack Russian side win the trophy, they will occupy the fourth place in next season's Champions League competition as the holders. If the Hotshots do miss out, they'll be in the Europa League along with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies who ended a season of massive and unexpected over-achievement on something of a damp squib, losing 3-1 at yer actual Everton. It was Newcastle's third defeat in their last four games but it shouldn't obscure what a genuinely excellent year it has been for The Magpies - fifth place was something few, if any, predicted at the start of the season. With Moscow Chelski FC in sixth place, Everton finished seventh ahead of their Merseyside rivals the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws who ended a very disappointing (albeit, massively amusing) season with a 1-0 defeat at Swansea. The Alabama Yee-Haws, 'one of the top four sides in the premier League' according to their odious, boastful, greedy, full-of-his-own importance managing director Ian Ayre, and 'a top six club' according to their left-back, ended the season eighth and not even the top club in Liverpool. Which left Kenny Dalglish with a face like a smacked arse. So, no change there, then. At the bottom, poor bloody Notlob joined already relegated Wolverhampton Wannabes and the Blackburn Vindaloos in looking forward to second-tier Championship football in August. Wigan Not Very Athletic ended a season in which they'd spent most of their time in the bottom three, well clear of the relegation zone, beating Wolves 3-2, their seventh victory in their final nine games. Expect the excellent Roberto Martinez to be managing somebody halfway decent next season. Or, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, anyway. Also avoiding relegation, along with QPR, were the Aston Villains, who ended a thoroughly average year with a 2-0 defeat at Norwich. Villa boss Alex McLeish said: 'It was an absolutely shocking, woeful display. Maybe some of the boys were thinking about their holidays already. That team needs a change and there will be change. That wasn't an Alex McLeish team today. We need to bring more quality into the squad.' Yeah. good luck with that. Meanwhile, good old sour-faced Sir Alex Ferguson was his usual ungracious self. Speaking after the game at Blunderland, he scowled: 'Nobody expected that. Everybody expected City to win, but they did it against ten men for half-an-hour and with five extra minutes to help them.' I'm sorry, is that Alex Ferguson complaining about a team from Manchester winning a league via injury time goals? Oh, the irony.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle United's manager Alan Pardew has been named the Premier League manager of the season, while Sheikh Yer Man City's captain Vincent Kompany has taken the players' prize. 'It's been a magnificent achievement by everyone at this club,' said Pardew. Kompany has been a key man in City's defence as they closed in on their first title since 1968. Pardew took over The Magpies in December 2010 following the sacking of the popular Chris Hughton, when the team was in mid-table in the Premier League having been newly promoted from the Championship - they eventually finished the season in twelfth place (although, but for surrendering a three goal lead against West Bromwich Albinos on the last day of the 2010-2011 season, they would have been eighth. Pardew has taken the club to the verge of Champions League qualification this season, with his signings, particularly strikers Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse and French midfielder Yohan Cabaye, proving influential. Kompany took the players' award for his performances in a Sheikh Yer Man City defence which has conceded just twenty nine goals in thirty eight games, helping them to establish a superior, and potentially decisive, goal difference of nine in comparison to The Scum. City have kept seventeen clean sheets this season and their winner in the crucial 1-0 win over The Scum at the end of last month was scored by Kompany. The Belgian international tweeted: 'I'm really grateful but I must say straight away that I wish I could share this award in particular with my defensive partners. They are all incredible - Pablo Zabaleta, Gael Clichy, Joleon Lescott - and those not on Twitter. The prize is theirs!'