If You Want Entertainment, Go To The Circus To See The Clowns

Premier League clubs spent a record six hundred and thirty million quid in the summer transfer window, according to Deloitte's Sports Business Group. The previous record of five hundred million notes was set in 2008. The transfer window closed at 23:00 on Monday. Among the big signings on Monday was Mesut Özil who is going from Real Madrid to The Arse for just over fort two million smackers. The Scum left it late in the day to sign Marouane Fellaini for twenty seven and a half million knicker from Everton. 'The story of this summer transfer window is of new records: a new record for Premier League spending as well as a new world transfer record fee,' said Dan Jones at Deloitte. The record transfer fee was for Gareth Bale, who was sold to Real Madrid by Stottingtot Hotshots for eighty five million wonga. Premier League clubs are flush with cash from their latest domestic three-year TV deal. BT has spent seven hundred and thirty eight million quid over three years for the rights to thirty eight live matches a season, while Sky paid £2.3bn for one hundred and sixteen matches a season. 'Testament to the impact this is having is in the scale of Premier League gross spending, as well as the gulf in net spending between the Premier League and other European leagues,' said Alex Thorpe at Deloitte. 'Whereas many clubs around Europe have been reliant on selling players in order to spend, the financial advantages Premier League clubs enjoy has enabled net spending of four hundred million smackers across the league.' Although they have not matched the Premier League, spending in other major European leagues has also been up. La Liga and Serie A each had gross spending of three hundred and thirty five million notes, followed by Ligue 1 in France with three hundred and fifteen million and Germany's Bundesliga with two hundred and thirty million.

Meanwhile, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies sent not a penny. Nada. Zilch. Nowt. Not a sausage. Bugger all. The club's director of sod-all, risible Joe Kinnear, was the main target for supporters' incandescent fury following a summer in which he had lots to say for himself and his own abilities in 'opening doors' for the club but has appeared utterly incapable of doing the job for which he was appointed to carry out by owner greedy lard-bucket Mike Ashley in June. Risible Kinnear's main responsibility is, allegedly, player recruitment, but despite ending last season looking for two strikers, a centre-back and a winger, manager Alan Pardew has been given just one new player, the forward Loïc Rémy, who has signed on loan at St James’ Park from Queens Park Strangers and who is currently on poice bail regarding allegations of rape (allegations which, it is important to note, he denies). Despite reported interest in Lyon forward Bafétimbi Gomis, Moscow Chelski's Demba Ba, Blackpool's Tom Ince, Lille's Florian Thauvin and Wigan Not-Very-Athletic's James McCarthy, Newcastle have not signed any of them. Or anybody else for that matter. Pardew his very self was careful not to publicly criticise risible Kinnear's efforts as deadline day approached - keeping his powder dry for a potential forthcoming constructive dismissal industrial tribunal hearing, no doubt - but he steadfastly maintained that he wanted to add at least 'one or two offensive players' to his paper-thin squad. The failure to do that means Newcastle are short of cover and competition for places, a weakness which contributed to the club's dangerous brush with relegation at the back end of the very disappointing last season. Since then, three of the first team squad (Danny Simpson, Steve Harper and James Perch) have left, along with a number of younger fringe players on loan and none have been replaced. At the very least, Newcastle's failure to sign some new players reeks of a crass lack of ambition. Many are asking just what, exactly, Kinnear is doing at Newcastle to justify his salary and his existence. A slow but effective conveyor belt of players had been brought in over the last three seasons, all spotted by the club's acclaimed chief scout Graham Carr with former chairman Derek Llambias the man to get the financials signed and sealed only to be closed down and mothballed by the bumbling Kinnear. Pardew will certainly not be happy, but he has been here before and as the public face of the Ashley regime he will be expected to offer the usual excuses designed to appease disgruntled Newcastle supporters. Given the club boasted of a record - and quite disgraceful - shirt sponsorship deal with Internet loan company Wonga this season, and with an extra thirty million smackers in television revenue, Newcastle fans are perhaps justified in wondered where, exactly, all of the money has gone. Many fear that Ashley is more interested in taking coin out of the club to pay back the interest-fee loans – totalling more than one hundred  million quid – which he provided during his first three years as owner to cover debts and the cost of relegation to the Championship in 2009. Pardew will also have to work hard to ensure that Yohan Cabaye is fully committed to the Newcastle cause. The French midfielder had been angling for a move for several months, but with three years left on his contract and with the Tyneside club asking for twenty  million knicker to part with him, he has not got his wish, despite effectively going on strike last week to try to force a way out.

Hopes Spring Eternal

The 2013-14 Premier League season gets under way on Saturday, with clubs playing for more money than ever before. The TV rights have been sold to BT and BSkyB for over three billion smackers over three years, up £1.25bn on the previous package as everybody connected with the deal got their collective greed on, big style. The opening Premier League fixtures are as follows: -
Saturday
Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws v Dirty Stoke
The Arse v Aston Villains
The Turkeys Norwich v The Toffos
Blunderland v Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance
West Bromwich Albinos v Southampton
The Hamsters v Cardiff
Swansea v The Scum
Sunday
Crystal Palace v Stottingtot Hotshots
Moscow Chelski FC v Relegation Haunted Hull
Monday
Sheikh Yer Man City v Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies
Jose Mourinho has returned for a second spell as Moscow Chelski manager while dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman David Moyes fills the role vacated by ... dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson at The Scum. The league also welcomes Championship winners Cardiff City, along with newly-promoted Hull City and Crystal Palace. Former Real Madrid manager Mourinho will have his sights set on repeating the success of his last spell at Torpedo Stamford Bridge, which ended in September 2007 after he had won two Premier League titles. But Moyes, who joins the current champions from The Toffos following the end of Ferguson's twenty six-year reign of terror at Old Trafford, will look to end their hopes. Manuel Pellegrini takes over at last season's runners-up Sheikh Yer Man City, with the Chilean leaving Malaga to replace the sacked Roberto Mancini, while other managerial newcomers include Roberto Martinez, appointed the new boss at The Toffos, and Mark Hughes at Dirty Stoke. With a fortnight left until the close of the transfer window, the futures of The Scum's striker Wayne Rooney, Stottingtot Hotshots midfielder Gareth Bale and Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez are unresolved. Rooney wants to leave Old Trafford but The Scum insist he is not for sale. Bale is keen to speak to suitors Real Madrid, while Suarez wants to leave Merseyside for Champions League football.

It certainly hasn't taken David Moyes long in his new role as manager of The Scum to acquire his predecessor's predilection for whinging like a big stroppy girl. Moyes says he finds his club's start to the new season 'hard to believe.' Among their first five Premier League games, the champions host Moscow Chelski FC and Sheikh Yer Man City and The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws away. Moyes whinged: 'I find it hard to believe that's the way the balls came out of the bag, that's for sure.' The Premier League responded by saying: 'We have absolutely assured him the process is random and above board. He has accepted those assurances.' Although, quite why they had to 'assure' him of anything when it's none of his frigging business or anything even remotely like it is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. Earlier on Thursday the dour and sour-faced Scotsman whinged: 'I think it's the hardest start for twenty years that Manchester United have had. I hope it's not because Manchester United won the league quite comfortably last year [that] the fixtures have been made much more difficult.' Moyes officially took over from dour and sour-faced Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson, who retired after twenty six trophy-laden and constantly-whinging years in charge, on 1 July. The former Everton boss saw his new side win the Charity Shield with a 2-0 victory against Wigan Not Very Athletic (and theirbloody odious and risible chairman) last week.

Former Newcastle striker Alan Shearer says that the large contingent of French players at the club is 'unhealthy.' Well, aye. I mean, the smell of garlic, for a kick-off ... Newcastle's recent capture of Queen's Park Strangers' forward Loic Remy on loan means that Alan Pardew's squad has eleven French players. Shearer is worried that this could 'have a negative impact' if things went against Pardew's side. 'I don't think it's a healthy thing to have too many French players in one dressing room,' Shearer told BBC Radio 5Live. Though, to be fair, it's never done, you know, France too much harm. Wor Shearer then elbowed someone in the face on general principal. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) magpies finished fifth from bottom in the Premier League table last season after a horrible season disrupted by injuries and a, very unwelcome, Europa League campaign and start the 2013-14 campaign away to Sheikh Yer Man City on Monday. 'If things start to go against you then little cliques appear [in the dressing room],' added Shearer, who scored two hundred and six goals in four hundred and four games during a ten-year spell at Newcastle before managing the club for two months in 2009. 'I know Arsenal had a lot of French players and went on to be successful. But I don't see Newcastle being that successful.' Despite his comments, Shearer is tipping his old club to enjoy a better season than last. 'Two years ago, Newcastle overachieved without doubt by finishing fifth,' he said. 'Last season they underachieved by finishing fifth bottom. If the truth be known, they're somewhere in between. At the minute I would have them finishing eleventh or twelfth.'

Here Comes The Summer

A summer World Cup in Qatar in 2022 would be 'impossible' according to Football Association chairman Greg Dyke. Dyke, who took up his FA role last month, thinks that the tournament is likely to move to winter because of the heat. The Premier League opposes a change of dates, as do most of the other league's in Europe, while Dyke's predecessor David Bernstein said in June that any switch would be 'fundamentally flawed.' But Qatar's World Cup organising committee says it is ready to host the tournament in summer. 'Even if all the stadia are air-conditioned, I think it will be impossible for the fans,' Dyke said. 'Just go out there and wander around in that sort of heat. I just don't think it's possible. My position, and I suspect the FA's position, will be: "You can't play it in the summer."' The Qatar 2022 Supreme Committee told BBC Sport in a statement: 'It was the right decision to award the World Cup to the Middle East for the first time in 2022. We are ready to host in summer or winter. We have always maintained that this issue requires the agreement of the international football community. A decision to alter the dates of the 2022 FIFA World Cup would not affect our infrastructure planning.' The Premier League is understood to be 'surprised and disappointed' by Dyke's comments, as it wishes to join forces with the FA in opposing a change of date. Richard Scudamore, the Premier League chief executive, said in July that switching the Qatar World Cup to winter would 'cause chaos' for football leagues around the world. His organisation believes such a change would have an impact on the three domestic seasons around the tournament - most notably 2021-22 - affecting broadcast deals and requiring every player's contract to be rewritten. In 2010 Qatar controversially defeated bids from South Korea, Japan, Australia and the United States to be awarded the 2022 World Cup amid allegations of back-handers and general dodgy shenanigans and malarkey and shit. The bid has been plagued by allegations of corruption, although organisers have always insisted that they did nothing wrong. Temperatures in the Middle East state can reach fifty degrees in the summer, and FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke admitted in March that the tournament 'might' be moved. FIFA president the odious Sepp Blatter said in May it was 'not rational' to play in such heat. But, shortly before stepping down as FA chairman, Bernstein said there should be no change. 'The bid was for the World Cup to be played in June and July, and for it then to be moved to the winter would be fundamentally flawed,' he said. 'If people want it in the winter, they should bid for it on that basis.' Dyke, though, believes a move is inevitable and suspects there is likely to be legal action as a result. The sixty six-year-old, who has visited Qatar in June, added: 'FIFA have therefore got two choices. They can move it either time-wise or to another location. I suspect either will end up in some sort of litigation. But then someone should have worked that out in 2010 when it was awarded. I understand the reaction of the Premier League in not wanting to move it, and I have some sympathy with them. We didn't have to choose to give it to Qatar in the summer. But that's where it is and I think it will either have to be moved out of the summer or moved to another location. I suspect that the former is more likely than the latter.' FA general secretary Alex Horne said that any change to the international calendar would 'trigger complications' for clubs, national associations, leagues and competitions around the world. 'It's a big jigsaw that will have to be put together and it'll take months. The last time we did this it took eighteen months to agree a calendar which is the one we're looking for 2014 to 2018, so it won't be quick to fix it if the decision is that we think it should be other than in July,' he said.

Yer actual David Ginola has joined BT Sport's football team. The ex-Newcastle, Stottingtot Hotshot and France winger will co-present and provide analysis across the broadcaster's channels. 'I am incredibly happy to be joining BT and to be part of the fantastic line-up from the start,' Ginola said. 'I trust that the viewers and sports fans are as excited as I am about this new channel, which promises a different approach to sports broadcasting.' Director of BT Sport Simon Green said: 'We are really delighted to have secured David Ginola to be one of our football experts. Every football fan knows that David was one of the most talented players in Premier League history, and he has proved to be one of the most accomplished broadcasters since hanging up his boots. We expect David to provide a combination of flair and insight in his role with BT Sport, and he adds a certain style to any programme.' Ginola joins greedy little workshy malingerer, horrorshow (and drag) Michael Owen, David Calamity James, Steve McManaman and Owen Hargreaves at BT Sport and will work on Premier League, FA Cup and European football matches, include the French Ligue 1. After retiring from playing, Ginola has worked as a pundit for BBC, CNN, Al Jazeera and Orange.

Robin van Persie ensured the David Moyes era at The Scum began with a trophy as Wigan Not Very Athletic (and their odious chairman) were beaten 2-0 in the FA Community Shield at Wembley on Sunday.

And, We're Off ...

It seems nought but five minutes since the last football season ended and yet, here we are, and a new one is already underway. Albeit, it's only the Championship, the real start of the season occurs in two weeks time when the Premier League kicks-off. Anyway, for the four people in the world that are interested, Queens Park Strangers, Reading and Wigan Not Very Athletic (and their odious, risible chairman) all won on the opening day of the new Championship season following their relegation from the Premier League last term. Promoted Bournemouth and Yeovil Town also picked up three points, but Doncaster Rovers were beaten at home by Blackpool. Dirty Leeds secured a dramatic win over Brighton & Hove Albinos, Nottingham Forest edged out Huddersfield Town and there was a derby stalemate at Turf Moor. Watford picked up a narrow win at Birmingham City and Leicester City overturned a half-time deficit to claim the points at the Smoggies of Middlesbrough. Nedum Onuoha and Andrew Johnson scored just before half-time as promotion favourites Queen's Park Strangers came from behind to beat Sheffield Wednesday 2-1 at Loftus Road. Reading also recovered from conceding an early goal to win 2-1 at home against Ipswich Town, with Danny Guthrie's seventy fifth minute effort proving the difference. New signings Grant Holt and Leon Barnett were among the scorers as Wigan romped to a 4-0 win at Barnsley, who saw Dale Jennings sent off on his debut. Ed Upson scored with two minutes left to hand Yeovil a memorable 1-0 win at Millwall in the club's first ever match in the Championship. Bournemouth marked their return to the second tier with victory as Lewis Grabban scored a goal in each half in a 2-1 home triumph over Charlton Not Very Athletic. But Doncaster failed to emulate their fellow promoted clubs as Tom Ince's last-minute goal wrapped up a 3-1 win for Blackpool at the Keepmoat Stadium. New signing Luke Murphy quickly endeared himself to the Elland Road faithful as he scored a ninety fourth minute winner as Dirty Leeds beat Brighton 2-1. Troy Deeney is among the favourites to be the division's top scorer and his eleventh minute goal earned Watford a 1-0 win at Lee Clark's Birmingham. Forest were also 1-0 winners as Billy Davies' likely promotion contenders beat Huddersfield thanks to Henri Lansbury's fifty third minute goal. Burnley and Notlob Wanderers got the Championship season up and running at lunchtime and Darren Pratley's equaliser secured the visitors a 1-1 draw in the local derby at Turf Moor. Goals from Danny Drinkwater and Jamie Vardy in the space of seven second-half minutes gave Leicester a 2-1 success on Teeside.

Yer actual Papiss Demba Cissé says that he wants to 'focus one hundred per cent on football' after agreeing to wear the Wonga logo on his Newcastle United shirt following discussions with Islamic teachers. The striker, a Muslim, fell out with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies owner, Mike Ashley, because he was not prepared to promote the money-lending company. The two parties eventually resolved their differences, but Cissé admitted it had been 'a very difficult time.' He told the club's official website: 'I feel great and ready to go.' The Senegalese forward is now set to play in a pre-season game at Scottish side St Mirren on Tuesday. Cissé is one of a number of Muslims at Newcastle but he was the only player to object to the club's choice of shirt sponsor on religious grounds. The contract with high-interest pay-day lender Wonga is thought to be worth around eight million smackers a year to the club. And Ashley is, after all, a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. 'I have had some useful discussions with my club, my family and Islamic teachers in the last few weeks,' Cissé said. 'After a huge amount of thought and reflection, I have made the decision to follow my team-mates and wear the kit. Although I did not go to Portugal on the training camp, I was back here working hard on my fitness and preparing for the start of the new season. Since then, it has been great to be training with my team-mates again.' Cissé joined the Magpies from German side SC Freiburg in January 2012 and has scored twenty six times in just over sixty games all competitions.

Meanwhile, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle have agreed a fee to sign twenty seven-year-old France striker Bafetimbi Gomis from Lyon. The Ligue 1 club accepted an offer in the region of eight million smackers, but Newcastle must still agree personal terms with the player. Gomis, who is close friends with Magpies midfielder Moussa Sissoko, scored twenty goals in forty four games for Lyon last season. Newcastle are also working on a deal for QPR's Loic Remy, another France international (to go with the several they already have) on a season-long loan. Gomis, who has scored three goals in twelve appearances for France, becomes Newcastle's first major transfer business of the summer following Joe Kinnear's arrival as director of football. Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has been in the market for a new striker having sold Demba Ba to Chelsea for seven million knicker in January. He will become the eleventh Frenchman in Newcastle's first-team squad. Gomis came through the youth ranks at lower league outfit Sporting Toulon Var before moving to St Etienne in 2000 aged fifteen. The striker made his senior debut for St Etienne in 2004, and went on to make one hundred and forty two league appearances for the club, scoring forty goals. He scored twice on his international debut for France in a friendly against Ecuador in May 2008, which earned him a place in Les Bleus' squad for Euro 2008. In July 2009 Gomis made a thirteen million quid switch from St Etienne to Lyon where he has spent the last four seasons.

Mark Lawrenson's appearances on Match Of The Day are to be cut next season as the BBC seeks to 'freshen up' its flagship football show. What a shame. Anyway ... The former Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws defender's name was omitted completely when the corporation announced its list of pundits for 2013-14 on Thursday, prompting suggestions that he had been sacked. However, a BBC spokesperson later confirmed that the fifty six-year-old remained on the Match Of The Day presenting team but with 'a reduced role' for the new campaign. He will continue to be a regular presence on Match Of The Day 2 and Radio 5Live. Match Of The Day's punditry team has attracted increased criticism in recent years, with the emergence of Gary Neville on Sky intensifying scrutiny on the quality of their analysis. But while Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer have kept their jobs (in yer man Wor Shearer's case, probably because he threatened to elbow someone in the mush if he got the tin-tack) as lead pundits on the programme, Lawrenson, who also held that status, is the main casualty of the revamp. From next season he will join a roster of pundits who will appear alongside Hansen and Shearer, a pool that includes the former Moscow Chelski FC manager Gianluca Vialli, his former Moscow Chelski team-mate Gus Poyet, odious little greedy shit and malingerer Michael Owen, Robbie Fowler, Sir Les Ferdinand and crazed Robbie Savage. The BBC is introducing changes across its media platforms for next season and also announced that full-of-his-own-importance mouth on legs Ian Wright will co-host Six-O-Six, 5Live's football phone-in show, alongside the former Sky, ESPN and ITV presenter Kelly Cates. Wright and Cates, the daughter of the former (sacked) Liverpool manager Miserable, Scowling Kenny Dalglish, replace Alan Green, who departed Six-O-Six towards the end of last season, to rejoicing throughout the land. Wright has hosted a football phone-in on Absolute Radio for three years (not forgetting, as if we ever could, his - truly hilarious - stint as a host on Live From Studio Five) and will be joined on 5Live by Wor Chris Waddle, who has been confirmed as a regular pundit on the radio station along with Kevin Kilbane and John Hartson. On Match Of The Day 2, Mark Chapman has replaced the dreadful Colin Murray as presenter and will also host the new MOTD2 Extra. Dan Walker is to present 5Live's preview show on a Friday night as well as Football Focus while Jason Mohammad will front a revised Final Score on Saturdays. The corporation is extending its coverage of women's football next season having invested significantly in the recent Women's European Championship in Sweden. Despite England's disgracefully poor group stage exit, their three matches attracted an audience of over one million punters per game and the BBC will broadcast England's World Cup qualifiers live and commentate from selected midweek Women's Super League fixtures.

German prosecutors have charged former international footballer Uli Hoeneß, president of European champions Bayern München, with tax evasion after a lengthy inquiry. Lawyers for Hoeneß have one month to respond to the charges before a court in München decides whether the case should go to trial. The former German international and World Cup winner reported himself to the authorities earlier this year over an undeclared Swiss bank account. Bayern München beat Borussia Dortmund to win last season's Champions League. News of the secret bank account caused a stir in Germany with even Chancellor Angela Merkel's spokesman saying she was 'disappointed' in the former West Germany international. Neither he nor officials at the club have disclosed how much money is involved, but German media sources suggest he deposited millions of Euros in a Zurich-based account over ten years. Ooo, naughty. Hoeneß is said to have failed to pay capital gains tax. Ken Heidenreich, a spokesman for München prosecutors, declined to give details of the indictment on Tuesday, citing tax secrecy laws. 'We have filed the charges to the München state court,' he said. 'The defence now has one month to pronounce itself.' In May, Bayern's supervisory board backed Hoeneß to remain in the job despite the investigation against him.

The former Newcastle goalkeeper Steve Harper is 'honoured' an AC Milan legends team will face a Magpies all-star side in his testimonial game. Alan Shearer, Franco Baresi and Paolo Maldini are among the players confirmed for the match on 11 September. Proceeds from the game will benefit The Great North Children's Hospital, the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation and the Newcastle United Foundation. 'I'm honoured such a great team is coming,' Harper told BBC Newcastle. 'We're going to be privileged to see some of the greatest players to ever play the game. If you picked an all-time world XI then Franco Baresi and Paolo Maldini would certainly be in a lot of people's teams. To have that iconic AC Milan team that I grew up watching on a Sunday is fantastic.' The three most high-profile members of Milan's Glorie legends team are the defensive trio of Maldini, Baresi and Alessandro Costacurta. Under Fabio Capello they were part of the side that won the 1994 European Cup, although the latter two were suspended for the final. However they continued to star for the Rossoneri for the next decade, Baresi winning three Champions League titles, while Maldini and Costacurta both lifted five each. 'I was very happy to hear of the possibility of AC Milan Glorie travelling and playing against a Newcastle United legends team at such a famous stadium,' Baresi said. 'I know the passion of Newcastle fans and I know of the club's history and the love of football in the city, so I congratulate Steve and wish the fans and Newcastle United a magnificent occasion.' Unlikely, but just about possible. Harps, who joined Hull City following the end of his twenty-year spell at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle this summer, made one hundred and ninety nine appearances for the club following his move from Seaham Red Star.

The world's oldest football clubs will go head-to-head in Derbyshire to celebrate the first derby match ever to be played. Sheffield FC and Hallam FC first clashed on 26 December 1860 with the match played under new rules drawn up by the founders of Sheffield FC. The so-called 'Sheffield Rules' became the basis of the modern game, introducing elements such as throw-ins and corner kicks. Organisers said that the event was to 'celebrate the heritage of football.' Chairman of Sheffield FC Richard Tims said: 'Sheffield FC were founded in 1857 and we played amongst ourselves for three years, married gentleman against unmarried gentleman et cetera. 'Three years later we pursued another cricket club to form a football club which was Hallam FC and we played them in a challenge match and the oldest derby has been continuing ever since.' Tims said that fans from all over the world were attending the match at Sheffield FC's home ground in Dronfield on Saturday. 'In fact we've got fifty four Nuremberg fans coming, some guys from Munich, some guys from Genoa. People who love Sheffield FC because we are the great-great grandfathers,' he added. Hallam FC was founded in 1860 and still play at their original ground at Sandygate Road. The site is the Guinness World Record holder for being the oldest football ground in the world.

Exeter City will play Fluminense next July to mark the centenary of the club facing Brazil in what was the five-times World Cup winners' first-ever representative match. The game will be staged on 20 July at Estadio das Laranjeiras in Rio, where the original game took place. That is only one week after the 2014 World Cup concludes just four miles away at the Maracana Stadium. 'We're happy to make the announcement. It hasn't been easy,' Exeter City vice-chairman Julian Tagg told BBC News. 'To get to this point has taken three years of planning. We've always been desperate to get a game on to commemorate the match one hundred years ago.'

The two sides will wear replica kits from the game a century earlier, which finished in a two-nil win for Brazil, and kick-off with the original ball. Exeter travelled to South America in 1914 for a series of games after being chosen by the Football Association as a 'representative' English team. The Grecians played three matches in Brazil, winning their first two games, against an English expatriate side and a Rio team, but the final game was against a team made up of the country's best players resulted in defeat. Fluminense, who have undertaken to finance City's trip to Brazil, will try to include 'guest' players from other clubs in Brazil to try to replicate the original fixture. It is not yet known when tickets for the fixture will go on sale, but Exeter are currently looking at potential travel packages for some of their fans. 'We're confident there will be more than enough tickets available for Exeter fans but that's a bit of an unknown conundrum because, at this stage, nobody quite knows what the demand is like to be,' said Tagg. As to the outcome of next year's match, he added: 'We don't really mind what the score is - as long as we win.'

Know Your Rights

The BBC has secured a four-year shared rights deal with BT Sport that will see both broadcasters show the FA Cup from the start of the 2014-15 season. BBC1 will broadcast the competition, with live streaming available across online, mobile and tablet devices. The contract, which runs for four years from 2014, means that FA Cup ties will be shared between the BBC and BT whilst, tragically, ITV has retained the rights to England's home matches, with their risible, poxy coverage. Added together, the FA's income for the FA Cup and England's home matches is believed to be approaching the high watermark of the four hundred and twenty five million notes paid by ITV and Setanta in 2007. 'Bringing the FA Cup back to the BBC was something I really wanted to do,' said BBC director general Tony Hall. 'I am so pleased that we have achieved it for football fans everywhere,' Hall added. 'There is something very special about big national moments on the BBC and the FA Cup should absolutely be one of them. The Olympics, Wimbledon and Glastonbury have shown how our audiences love it when we put the full weight of all our services on TV, radio and digital behind covering these events in depth and in ways no-one else can. Working closely with the FA I believe we will change the way we view the FA Cup forever.' The deal was announced at Wembley Stadium on Wednesday. Gavin Patterson, CEO of BT Retail said: "BT Sport made a determined joint bid to retain the FA Cup rights because we believe it is one of the truly great club football competitions. 'We are thrilled to bring our viewers the incredible stories of passion, and victories against all odds, that pepper the history of the competition.' Details of how many games will be shown live by the BBC have yet to be released. Radio coverage of the FA Cup also continues on BBC Radio 5Live until 2018. Led by Gary Lineker, the BBC's presentation of the FA Cup will become an integral part of the BBC1 schedule. The FA Cup is added to the BBC's TV football portfolio, centred on Match of the Day and which also includes The Football League Show, with action from every game in the Football League, the current UEFA Women's European Championships and the 2014 World Cup. In addition, 5Live will this season broadcast live football commentary of one hundred and twenty eight Premier League games, as well as games in the FA Cup, the League Cup, the Champions League and the Europa League. New FA chairman, Greg Dyke added: 'I would like to thank everyone who expressed an interest in these FA Cup broadcast rights and congratulate the BBC and BT Sport on their successful tenders. Their valuable support underlines what a great competition the FA Cup is and how important it is to the sporting calendar. ITV have done a tremendous job in recent years and we look forward to their fantastic continued support of the England team. The BBC is obviously an organisation I know very well but I don't think anyone would dispute that their name goes hand in hand with some of the most famous FA Cup moments of yesteryear. We're delighted that the competition is back on their channels, not just through television but with significant online presence as well.'

FIFA and UEFA have lost an appeal against a European ruling that the World Cup and Euro Championships must be shown on free-to-air TV in the UK. In 2011, the European General Court said that the UK could keep the events on a list of 'protected' events of national sporting interest broadcast for free. It means the two tournaments cannot be sold exclusively to pay-TV firms. FIFA and UEFA had appealed, in their greed, claiming that they could not sell the events fairly for their 'real value.' But the European Court of Justice - Europe's Supreme Court - has now said the original decision in the General Court (formerly the Court of First Instance) in 2011 was correct. The BBC and ITV had already secured the rights to broadcast the football World Cup finals in 2014, and they were guaranteed of being shown free-to-air. But there had been fears that moves towards a pay-TV model would have been in place in time for the 2018 World Cup in Russia, should FIFA and UEFA have won their case. The court said it 'dismisses the appeals brought by FIFA and UEFA in their entirety'. Even if FIFA had won its case, World Cup finals games featuring England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland would have remained free to watch in the UK, as would the opening games, semi-finals and the final. But it was the other dozens of games featuring non-UK teams that FIFA was disputing - and had argued that matches such as these should not be shown for free in the UK. FIFA and UEFA had argued that the current set-up 'interfered' with their ability to sell television rights at the 'best commercial price' they could get in the marketplace. However, the UK argued that all the sixty four World Cup finals matches and thirty one European Championship matches were 'an important part' of the list of national sporting 'crown jewels', that have to be made available to the whole population to watch on terrestrial television. And the court agreed, saying that European states were able to select broadcast events, 'which they deem to be of major importance for society' and show them for free. Otherwise it 'would deprive a substantial proportion of the public of the possibility of following those events on free television.' Belgium was also successful in keeping the rights to World Cup and European Championship matches on free-to-air services. Despite the more than two-year wait for the result of the appeal by FIFA and UEFA, many experts had expected the decision to go against them. 'The result means that FIFA and UEFA have now reached the end of their European Court journey,' said Daniel Geey, a TV sports rights expert at Field Fisher Waterhouse law firm. 'Their aim was to try and secure concessions to market some of their World Cup and Euro matches to pay-TV channels in the UK and Belgium with the ultimate aim of maximising their revenues. The European courts have rebuffed such an approach.' And placed their odious greed in check. Which is great news.

Papiss Demba Cissé has pulled out of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle's pre-season tour to Portugal after refusing to wear club sponsor Wonga's logo on religious grounds. The Senegal striker, a Muslim, told club officials that he was not prepared to promote the money-lending company. But the twenty eight-year-old did offer to wear an unbranded shirt or one bearing a charity logo instead. It leaves Cissé's future with the club in some doubt, with alleged 'sources' allegedly describing the relationship between the parties as 'strained.' The forward and his representatives have been in talks with club officials and the Professional Footballers' Association in recent days but neither the club nor their shirt sponsor have been able to find a solution. Cissé's Newcastle team-mates Cheick Tiote and Moussa Sissoko are also Muslim, but have told the club they have no issue with wearing the sponsor's logo. Cissé will continue to train on his own as he attempts to catch up on his fitness after returning later than the majority of the squad following international duty with Senegal. Both camps are hopeful that a solution can be found, but it seems Cissé is not prepared to move on his position. In October, high-interest pay-day lender Wonga was announced as the company to take over from Virgin Money as Newcastle's shirt sponsor from the 2013-14 season. It is thought the contract is worth around eight million quid a year to the club and its owner, Mike Ashley, a man who seems to know the price of everything but the value of nothing. Speaking in June, PFA deputy chief executive Bobby Barnes told BBC Sport: 'We're all aware that clubs need to generate revenue and sometimes have to use a wide range of companies. However, if someone feels very, very strongly that it's not compatible with their beliefs, then some sort of solution should be found.' Cissé joined the Magpies in January 2012 and has scored twenty six times in all competitions.

You Can't Keep Away From The Football

BSkyB has muscled out challenger BT to secure key matches at the start of the Premier League season, including The Scum's clashes with other top teams, José Mourinho's first fixture back at Moscow Chelski FC and Manuel Pellegrini's first game in charge of Sheikh Yer Man City. The first round of televised Premier League fixtures published on Thursday reveal that Sky Sports has focused its efforts on stopping BT from covering The Scum's top matches, which traditionally attract the biggest football audiences, including the Manchester derby. BT's top matches in the opening weeks of the 2013-14 season are the London derby clash between Stottingtot Hotshots and Moscow Chelski FC and Everton versus Liverpool Alamaba Yee-Haws in the Merseyside derby. However, while Sky has plucked the pick of the top Premier League games until December, BT could have a strong end to the season, as it has only exercised five of its eighteen first picks, leaving with it with thirteen first picks at the business end of the season. Sky has exercised eight of its twenty picks, leaving it with twelve. But the contrast in the early games is marked, with BT's first game of the season Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws versus Stoke, while Sky is airing David Moyes' much-anticipated first game in charge of The Scum in a free-to-air live broadcast, in an effort to get one-over on BT, which has spent seven hundred and thirty eight million notes over three years securing the rights to thirty eight live matches a season. Sky paid £2.3bn for one hundred and sixteen matches per season. Sky is also showing every fixture between last season's top four clubs and will have shown a live match featuring every Premier League team at least once by 6 October. But BT does have some prize games in the first half of the season, including Spurs Versus The Scum. The Sky Sports managing director, Barney Francis, said: 'This is our biggest ever season of Premier League football. When you look at the opening fixtures in black and white, you can see that no other broadcaster comes close to the quality that we offer. Sky Sports will show every match between last season's top four as well as every club at least twice by December. We'll have more than three times as many matches as BT, and our schedule is even stronger than it was last season. With the best team of analysts, a fantastic new weekend schedule and coverage from the Football League, UEFA Champions League, La Liga and the SPL, this is the best ever football season for Sky Sports viewers.' The director of BT Sport, Simon Green, said: 'We are thrilled that BT Sport viewers will be able to enjoy these top-of-the-table matches free with BT broadband. This is the first time in Premier League history that top-pick matches have been shown anywhere other than on Sky, but Sky TV customers can easily add BT Sport by calling us and if they have BT broadband they can get it for free.' Sky's opening weekend of games will feature the return of Jose Mourinho as Moscow Chelski FC manager at home to recently promoted Hull City and Shiekh Yer Man City's new boss Manuel Pellegrini's first game in charge at home to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though tragically unsellable) Newcastle United. Stottingtot Hotshot's trip to Crystal Palace at 1.30pm on Sunday 18 August will also be shown. Outside of the Premier League, the Championship Yorkshire derby between Dirty Leeds and Sheffield Wednesday will also be free for all Sky subscribers on 17 August at 1.30pm.

Alan Pardew insists he is still in charge of team affairs at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, tragically, unsellable) Newcastle United following that arsehole Joe Kinnear's appointment as Director of Football. Or, if what Pardew says is true, effectively, Director of Eff-All. The Magpies owner, flabby billionaire tyrant Mike Ashley, brought former boss Kinnear back to Tyneside to 'oversee recruitment', with Pardew formally reporting to the foul-mouthed sixty six-year-old fantasist. However, Pardew claims that he is 'confident' he will maintain control of first-team affairs. 'I'm my own man and I will manage this football club to the best of my ability,' he told BBC Newcastle's Mick Lowes. Kinnear's arrival at Newcastle was shrouded in controversy when, like the biggest plank in the whole world, Kinnear announced the news himself through interviews with television stations and on radio before the club had confirmed the news, days later. Kinnear claimed after his appointment that his job as Director of Eff-All did 'not put pressure' on Pardew, amid questions about how this alteration in the club's management structure would impact on the manager's future. Kinnear, spectacularly, made a number of factually incorrect statements in his various media outbursts, such as claiming to have signed goalkeeper Tim Krul and defender James Perch for United when, in actual fact, he had nothing to do with the recruitment of either and wildly exaggerating his achievements in the game. He also mispronounced the names of several Newcastle players. At one point there appeared the genuine possibility that he was about to announce that he was up for the part of The Doctor after Matt Smith goes. 'Some of the things Joe said, he's apologised for, especially getting the names wrong of our players. That needs to be corrected, because there's a certain respect needed there,' Pardew noted. 'I spoke to one or two players and my staff here and made them very aware of where the position lies. If Joe can persuade Mike to invest in the football club in the right manner, then that would be the best outcome for us. As well as we've done on the transfer market, there's always room for improvement and I spoke to Joe and told him where I think the weaknesses in the squad are. I told him I need to strengthen them and I've got a couple of ideas.' The appointment of Kinnear also led to confusion regarding the position of the club's acclaimed chief scout Graham Carr, but he along with Pardew and Kinnear will continue to source signings - at least, for the time being. What has changed at the club is the departure of managing director Derek Llambias, with facets of his former post shared between finance director John Irving and secretary Lee Charnley. 'You could say Joe is fulfilling the role that Derek had to a degree, but Lee will fill the other part of that role, he's got great experience,' Pardew added. 'Between myself, Lee and Joe we hope to get some transfers over the line, and some out by the way, because the squad is probably a little thick in some areas. Graham comes up with one or two suggestions, I come up with the same, we probably have a list of four that myself and Graham think will take the team forward, we present that to Joe, and he presents it to the owner. Joe has to dress that up for the chairman in terms of the finance, in terms of how it will work and then Lee comes in and hopefully we get the player over the line. Mike feels Joe probably knows the scene better than Derek. That might be Mike's opinion, but as far as I'm concerned the most important factor for Joe is transfers.' So, there you go, as clear as mud. After arriving at St James' Park in December 2010, Pardew led Newcastle United to twelfth place in the Premier League, a highly creditable finish, but his first full season in charge surpassed all expectations. Fuelled by the signings of Yohan Cabaye, Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse, the Magpies only just missed out on a Champions League place, finishing fifth. However, a lack of signings in the build-up to last season, added to the extra demands of European football in the Europa League, took its toll on Newcastle's Premier League form in 2012-13, and although January signings such as Moussa Sissoko, Mathieu Debuchy and Yoan Gouffran helped to stabilise their form, a sixteenth place finish was a severe disappointment following the apparent progress of the previous year. 'I've been involved with clubs where if you take the title away, it's a similar role,' Pardew noted about working with a Director of Eff-All. 'I had Les Reed at Southampton; I had the Chairman at Southampton who was quite influential - probably more influential than Joe has any intention of being - so I have got experience of it. When I was at West Ham I had Trevor Brooking to lean on so I've had good experiences and bad experiences of it. I'm very open minded to Joe's position and I'll take it as I see it, but one thing that you need to know and people who work with me will know - I'm my own man, I'll manage this football club, manage this team to the best of my ability. I think that on the back of last year, I'm even more motivated to do well this year.' He added: 'I was disappointed on the sidelines last year with the performances, nothing more. The fans never upset me once if I'm honest. A couple of the media I thought were a little bit personal, as managers you have to wear that and take that on the chin and I'm long enough in the tooth to be able to do that. On the whole, I thought the fans were pretty tolerant if I'm honest and as you say, I lost a few fans along the way. I've gotta win 'em back. So I intend to do that and that's really how my mind works. I look at the squad and I think we've got a good squad. We don't have the inexperience that we had last year of Europe. I know people talk about excuses of Europe, injuries or whatever, same old same old, but was it was an impact - you can't get away from it. Swansea are gonna find out this year when they play Thursday to Sunday - we ain't got that. I'm looking forward to giving these players a week's work and then a game, week's work and then a game. If you look at my record with that it's very good in the Premier League when I've had that period. The two cups last year were deeply disappointing, they fell at very difficult times for us particularly the FA Cup. I've got to be honest, it really upset me that team because I know sometimes fans think a manager's not as emotional as them, trust me that's not the case. I'm almost an adopted Geordie, trust me and on my travels I've seen many fans this summer and they've all relayed to me that they really want us to do better than last year and I do as well. My message to them really and truly is that I've got a seven year contract left to manage this football club and I'm gonna manage it to the best of my ability and I hope that what we wish for is what I can deliver.'

Four clubs involved in two play-off matches that ended 79-0 and 67-0 respectively have been suspended in Nigeria. Plateau United Feeders were 79-0 victors over Akurba FC while Police Machine FC demolished Bubayaro FC 67-0. 'It is unacceptable - a scandal of huge proportions,' said Muke Umeh, chairman of the Nigerian Football Federation Organising Committee. 'The teams are suspended indefinitely, pending further sanctions.' Plateau United Feeders and Police Machine went into the matches level on points, with promotion to the lowest tier of the Nationwide League Division at stake. Feeders scored seventy two of their goals in the second half, while Police Machine reportedly scored sixty one times after the break in their game. The results meant that Plateau edged above Police Machine on goal difference. Umeh added: 'We will investigate this matter thoroughly and get to the bottom of it.' The NFF's director of competitions, Doctor Mohammed Sanusi, gave assurances that the Organising Committee would hand out 'severe sanctions' on 'all persons and institutions' indicted by the investigation. 'The teams involved, their players and officials, match officials, coordinator and anyone found to have played some role in this despicable matter would be severely dealt with,' Sanusi said.

Decision Day

They might have been strutting around Wembley like they owned the gaff on Saturday, but Sunday was a bad day for relegation-haunted Wigan Not-Very-Athletic. Winners of the FA Cup against a horribly below-par Sheikh Yer Man City - whose manager looks set to get the jolly old tin-tack within the next few days as a direct result - twenty four hours later, a necessary dose of harsh reality smacked Wigan (and their odious, risible gobpiece of an owner) right hard in the mush. Which was funny. Victory for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, tragically, unsellable) Newcastle United over already relegated Queen's Park Strangers, Norwich City's four-nil hammering of a desperately poor West Bromwich Albinos and a draw between yer actual Blunderland and Southampton their very selves means that Wigan must win both of their remaining games (against The Arse on Tuesday and Aston Villains next Sunday) to avoid the dreaded drop to the Championship. Should they manage to do so, then the final relegation place will be decided between either the Villains (who have forty points and, amusingly, lost to a late Frank Lampard goal against Moscow Chelski FC on Saturday lunchtime) or, Blunderland (who have thirty nine points and who must face a trip to White Tart's Lane to face Stottingtot Hotshots). At the other end of the table, Emmanuel Adebayor scored a late winner for the Hotshots against Dirty Stoke to keep their Champions League qualification hopes alive. They are two points ahead of local rivals The Arse, although The Arse have that game against Wigan in hand (their final game will be at St James' Park). Ten-man Newcastle guaranteed their Premier League survival as they came from behind to defeat a risible awful Queen's Park Strangers at Loftus Road. An early spot kick from Loic Remy - who turned down a move to Tyneside in January to join the Strangers instead for mucho disgraceful wonga; one imagines he's bitterly regretting that move right about now - put the Strangers ahead but Hatem Ben Arfa soon levelled with another penalty after having his shirt blatantly pulled by Jose Boswinga. Then, some calamitous defending from Bosingwa and Rob Green allowed Yoan Gouffran an easy finish to put the Magpies ahead, a lead they held reasonably comfortably despite losing goalkeeper Rob Elliot to a second yellow card when he accidentally handled the ball outside the penalty area. Bosingwa, recalled after coming under heavy criticism for grinning all over his boat-race as he retreated down the tunnel following the Strangers' relegation and Stephane Mbia, fined by the club after he suggested on Twitter that he wanted to return to Marseille, were both constantly booed by their own supporters and were substituted at half-time by Hapless Harry Redknapp. United manager Alan Pardew said: 'It is a big relief because this is a massive club. We got the win we needed. The injuries we have suffered this year have been horrendous. This type of year usually ends up in relegation. It was a nervous display from us, we really needed that first goal. We have made mistakes but we will make sure that we protect ourselves. The Premier League is so unforgiving.' Robert Snodgrass and Grant Holt scored to set Norwich on their way to a win over a dreadful West Brom which also takes the Canaries to comfortable safety. Jason Puncheon cancelled out Phil Bardsley's opener to earn Southampton a point at  the Mackems, leaving both teams' survival hopes in the balance. Southampton edged a disappointing first half, but Blunderland took the lead after half-time through a deflected drive from Bardsley. Saints hit back through substitute Puncheon. Southampton should be safe though they can still be - mathematically - relegated (as can Fulham who, like the Saints, are currently on forty points). However, both have a massively superior goal difference to Wigan and Villa so it would take a freak series of results to see either side in trouble. Elsewhere, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws comfortably won at Fulham (who've hit a real bad spell towards the end of the season) and will finish in seventh place. The top club on Merseyside, for the second year running (their first back-to-back finishes above Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws since 1937!), will be yer actual Everton who gave The Hamsters a damned good hiding at Goodison Park in David Moyes' final home game before he takes over from the retiring Alex Fergsuon at The Scum. Meanwhile, Troy Deeney scored Watford's aggregate winner in an extraordinary finish to their Championship play-off semi-final second leg against Leicester. Twenty seconds after Anthony Knockaert had what appeared to be a rather soft penalty saved, Watford counter-attacked to the other end and Deeney thumped home the winner with seconds remaining. Earlier, a stunning Matej Vydra volley wiped away Leicester's first-leg advantage. David Nugent headed an equaliser to restore Leicester's advantage and, after another Vydra strike, Deeney netted the dramatic winner. A heartbroken Knockaert was seen blubbing his eyes out at the final whistle, whilst joyous Hornets fans invaded the pitch after their team booked their place in the play-off final at Wembley on Monday 27 May. They will play either Brighton or Crystal Palace for the right to join already promoted Cardiff City and Hull City.

Allez Oop North!

Moussa Sissoko scored twice on his home debut as yer actual Newcastle came from behind to beat the vile scum of Moscow Chelski FC in a rousing game at St James' Park on Saturday. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) United won for the second time in a week, following Tuesday night's victory at Aston Villains, to haul themselves a few points clear of the relegation zone. Which was jolly nice. Former Magpies striker Demba Ba had the first decent chance of the game, but headed wide and then went off as he was caught in the face by Fabricio Coloccini's boot and sustained a reported broken snitch. After the game, Mosocw Chelski FC manager, the much-criticised big-gob Rafa Benitez, ridiculously, claimed that this incident should have led to a penalty for Moscow Chelski FC and the sending off of Coloccini, an utterly ludicrous, risible statement from this odious fraction of man over what was a - clear - accident. Still, that's Moscow Chelski FC for you all over, whinge, whinge, whinge when things aren't going their way. Benítez was clearly relieved to have been given a chance to divert attention away from the defeat, but his was not an entirely convincing argument. 'It was a penalty and a red card,' he said. 'If that happened in the middle of the park, play would have been brought back, a free-kick given and a red card shown.' By the same logic, it could be argued that Ramires should have been sent off for a despicable two-footed lunge on Gutiérrez a few minutes earlier. Allegedly contentious refereeing decisions, however, cannot disguise the fact that Newcastle, over the ninety minutes, deserved to win and to move further away from relegation trouble. Minutes later, Jonas Gutierrez headed the opener but Moscow Chelski FC in the second half responded through Frank Lampard's thunderbolt and Juan Mata's curling finish. Sissoko equalised on sixty eight minutes and struck a superb winner from twenty yards in stoppage time. It was a thrilling introduction to the home supporters for the French midfielder, who signed for Newcastle on 25 January and was a constant threat all afternoon. Newcastle boss Alan Pardew had described his new capture as the difference in their crucial win over Aston Villains in midweek, and here the twenty three-year-old proved indefatigable as the Magpies struggled to subdue their visitors, teaming up superbly with fellow home débutant Yoan Gouffran and the creative Yohan Cabaye. Consecutive victories for the first time since April moved Newcastle eight points clear of the relegation zone and suggested that, despite losing Ba to the European champions earlier in January, United have realistic hopes of climbing the table again and continuing their run in the Europa League. Moscow Chelski FC, for all their second-half revival, fell to their first away defeat since 1 December. Indeed, Benitez's side are now winless in four games in all competitions - which is funny - and although there were some enterprising moments, not least Lampard's and Mata's superb goals, this result will hardly win Benitez any new fans at Torpedo Stamford Bridge. Moscow Chelski FC's afternoon was summed up by Ba, who had a game to forget on his return to St James' Park. The Senegalese was booed from the start and ended up leaving the field before half-time with what was later confirmed to be a broken nose after taking an accidental kick in the face from Coloccini as the Argentine defender tried to clear a loose ball. The injury occurred as Ba almost gave Moscow Chelski FC the lead. He collected Lampard's throughball and, when his first effort was saved by Tim Krul, the ball bounced back to him and he headed inches wide, taking a whack in the mush in the process. Ba received lengthy treatment on the sidelines as blood streamed from his nose, although referee Howard Webb did not penalise the home defender - not that there was any reason why he should. No sooner had Ba returned to the field than Newcastle were ahead. The hosts had already tested Petr Cech on several occasions, with Papiss Cissé coming closest, but they made the breakthrough when Cabaye swept the ball out to Davide Santon and Gutierrez stole between the Moscow Chelski FC defenders to head home the left-back's pinpoint cross. The goal marked a period of sustained Newcastle dominance but that changed ten minutes after the break when Lampard picked the ball up thirty yards from goal and arrowed it into the top corner to reach double figures in the Premier League for the tenth consecutive season. Mata's finish four minutes later was equally exquisite, as he received substitute Fernando Torres's lay-off to curl past the stretching Krul and give the Blues the lead. It occurred just as Cissé tangled with odious little cheat Ashley Cole in an off the ball incident. Sadly, Papiss didn't give the whinging little shit something proper to cry about - like that time Cole's wife walked out on him - and harmony was restored. Moscow Chelski FC looked to be coping well without Ba, but Newcastle remained a threat on the break and from Gouffran's surging run they equalised, his shot parried by Cech as far as Sissoko, who turned it in. But the Frenchman saved his best for last, receiving Santon's cutback to beat Cech at his near post from twenty yards. Even then Lampard could have levelled once more, but his shot was blocked by Steven Taylor as Newcastle's French revolution continued. Elsewhere in the Premier League, The Arse greatly aided their pursuit of Champions League qualification with a hard-fought victory over Stoke. At the bottom of the table, Queens Park Strangers and Aston Villains both picked up draws - against Norwich and Everton respectively - but still saw the gap to safety grow after Reading grabbed a valuable win over Blunderland, while Southampton were forced to settle for a draw at Wigan and The Hamsters eased any pressure they were feeling with a win over Swansea.

France's biggest-selling and highly influential sports newspaper L'equipe believes their country has 'saved' yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United. And they don't mind boasting about it. As is the French way. Their front page headline after The Magpies' win at Aston Villains last Tuesday night read Ils Les Aiment Déjà, which translates to They like them already referring to the trio of French débutants who made such a fine first impression. Even better, in the inside pages they claimed Le made in France, ça marche – 'Made in France, it's working!' There will, no doubt, be more of that sort of thing after Saturday's result when Moussa Sissoko's two goals sank Moscow Cheslski FC. But, don't think for a second dear blog reader that the French football public, and the media at large, are overly happy that so many of their best players have left their own country behind for Tyneside. However, that does not mean they are not fascinated that so many of their Frenchmen call Newcastle their home. L’equipe, which sells half a million copies on a daily basis, also has its own television channel in France, and Newcastle United have become big news. One of their journalists, Damien Dubras, was in the city last week to interview Alan Pardew and many of United's French contingent for his popular TV show. He revealed that France doesn't quite know what to make of this French Revolution that is taking place in the North East of a country they've always had an uneasy relationship with. Dubras said: 'We don't like the idea of losing so many of our best players, but there isn't much our clubs can do. And it's crazy that Newcastle have signed so many French players. That would not happen back home. Having seven or eight Englishmen in a French side. We just would not put up with that. Paris St Germain, who are backed by Qatari owners, have the money to buy lots of good foreign players, which they have done, but that has not gone down well with everyone. But in saying that, Newcastle is a big story back home. There were a few French journalists at Alan Pardew's press conference two weeks ago, I was sent over last week and there is another part from L'equipe due next week.' Dubras believes that money more than any other reason is behind the French influx and he is probably right. France president François Hollande recently announced a plan to impose a whopping seventy five per cent tax on footballers’ salaries, a proposal which prompted another headline that read The Death of French Football. The French FA estimated the measure would cost French clubs one billion smackers, albeit it now looks as if the tax rate won't rise to quite so high a figure. Relegation-threatened Queens Park Strangers have signed Loic Remy, a Newcastle target, from Marseille, a move which simply would not have happened ten years ago. As Rennes manager Frédéric Antonetti said: 'The bottom club in England has just nicked one of our best players! Does that not make you wonder what is happening to French football?' Newcastle chief scout Graham Carr - Alan's dad - is the man behind the signings this month of Mathieu Debuchy, Yoan Gouffran, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, Massadio Haidara and Moussa Sissoko, plus the French players already at the club like Yohan Cabaye, Hatem Ben Arfa and Sylvian Marveaux. 'Will I go on signing players from France? Yes, because I love France and the French players,' Carr told L'Equipe in an interview last week. 'We sign them because we had a lot of success working with Hatem Ben Arfa and Yohan Cabaye. They are really good players very professional, which is essential these days. They are clever, they understand quickly what we want and they have a very interesting tactical culture, and that is because French education is excellent, really.' Not only do Newcastle have to thank France for good footballers, they have also brought some class gourmet as well. Thursday’s menu training ground was soupe a l’oignon, canard, coquille saint jacques, selection de fromages. But, don't think this is all one-way. France have taken ownership of an Englishman this season when Joey Barton signed for Marseille. It does seem that England, and Newcastle in particular, have the better deal.

HE may be one half of a football phenomena, but Peter Hartley wasn't even sure if he had scored let alone hit the headlines on Saturday. Hartley and James Poole both netted for Hartlepool, the captain firing the winner over Notts County after Poole got the first. The pair have been team-mates at Victoria Park since summer 2011, but this is the first time they have been on the score sheet together. And, while Pools remain at the bottom of League One, the scoring duo have been noted across the globe. Hartley, who watched his second-half header creep over the line, said: 'I didn't realise how much coverage we would get, but James realised straight away. I was in a world of my own after scoring. We all knew it was over the line, but I was on edge looking at the linesman. We just need to discuss about getting a cut of things for our image rights now!'

Bonjour Tout Le Monde, Nous Somme Les Toon

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Les Toon have added yet further to their French contingent by signing midfielder Moussa Sissoko from Toulouse. Sissoko follows centre forward Yoan Gouffran, centre-back Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa and left-back Massadio Haidara this week, while right-back Mathieu Debuchy signed on 4 January. 'Moussa Sissoko will not go to the end of his contract,' Toulouse said of the twenty three-year-old France international. 'He found an agreement with Newcastle United for a definitive transfer which takes effect today.' Sissoko has won six caps for his country and is the latest Frenchman to take a place in Alan Pardew's squad. Before Gouffran was recruited from Bordeaux and Yanga-Mbiwa from Montpellier, Debuchy arrived from Lille. Sissoko told the Toulouse website that: 'Newcastle are a very good club, despite the fact that they are fairly low down in the standings at the moment. They have quality players and had a brilliant season last year. That is what motivated me to go to this club. I will get game time at Newcastle, and it is important for me as a player to play as much football as possible. I think Newcastle is the ideal club.' Joining on the same day as Sissoko is left-back Haidara, who joins from Nancy. Yohan Cabaye, Hatem Ben Arfa, Romain Amalfitano, Sylvain Marveaux, Gabriel Obertan, Mehdi Abeid and Yven Rochild Victor Moyo are already at St James' Park. Pardew's side finished fifth in the Premier League last season but they are currently sixteenth in 2012-13, two points above the relegation zone. The Magpies have been hit by injuries all season and the new arrivals may help cover for the possible departure of captain Fabricio Coloccini, who has reiterated his desire to leave the club for 'personal reasons.' However, it subsequently emerged that Coloccini has agreed to stay at the club until at least the end of the season. Big of him, considering that he was happy enough to sign a four year extension to his contract as recently as last March. Thursday night also saw quotes from Bastia club president suggesting that Newcastle were the only side to have made a firm bid for Florian Thauvin. The midfielder who celebrates his twentieth birthday on Saturday is allegedly the subject of a two and a half million quid offer from United, with a fifteen per cent sell-on clause and a loan back to the Corsican club for the remainder of the current season. The President also confirmed that The Arse boss, Arsene Wenger, had 'been in touch' regarding Thauvin, but that the only bid currently on the table was from St.James' Park.

An Egyptian court has sentenced to death at least twenty defendants over clashes between rival football fans in which seventy three people were killed last year. The riots began minutes after a league game between Cairo club al-Ahly and al-Masry of Port Said. Blimey, they don't mess about this Community Service orders and ADBOs over there, do they?

Moscow Chelski FC midfielder Eden Hazard was sent-off for kicking a ball boy during the Capital One Cup semi-final exit to Swansea. The Belgian kicked the ball boy who had failed to return the ball promptly after it had gone out for a goal-kick. Swansea captain Ashley Williams condemned Hazard's behaviour. 'Demba Ba told me that the boy held on to it. I saw [Hazard] kick him in the ribs, and you can't do that,' he told Sky Sports News. Swansea manager Michael Laudrup said: 'I think [Hazard] will regret it when he sees it. The ball boy should have let it go but he was pushed first and then he kicks him. I understand as a player when you are behind and you are under pressure you sometimes say or do things you shouldn't but there are some things you cannot do.' The game ended in a goalless draw, Swansea winning 2-0 on aggregate. They will play Bradford City in the final.

Bradford City manager Phil Parkinson doubts that a team from the fourth tier will ever reach a major cup final again. Parkinson saw his side stun Aston Villains 4-3 on aggregate after a 2-1 defeat at Villa Park on Tuesday night to reach next month's Capital One Cup final. He said: 'I think it'd take some doing for anyone to do this again. We had a really tough run. It wasn't just the Premier League teams, we had tough games with Notts County and Watford too.' Bradford went into the second-leg at Villa Park 3-1 up but Christian Benteke reduced the deficit for Villa. James Hanson headed Bradford level on the night before Andreas Weimann scored a late goal for Villa. Parkinson's side started their run to the final with an away tie at Notts County the week before the league campaign started in August. En route to the final, the League Two side have seen off the (other) Magpies, Watford, Burton Albion and Premier League sides Wigan, The Arse and, now, Villa. Their date at Wembley is the first time they have reached the final of a major competition since winning the FA Cup in 1911 and the first time a side from the fourth division has made the final of a major competition since Rochdale in the League Cup in 1962. Parkinson believes the money earned by the run to the final will secure the future of the club - as well as the place of his side in the history books. Parkinson added: 'These lads will be remembered in the history of Bradford City for years to come. There's a 1911 lounge at the club to celebrate the cup victory of that year. Well, in years to come, there will be a lounge named after this cup run and these players because of what they've achieved. To go to Wembley is going to keep the club going for quite a while, I imagine. For the city of Bradford, it's massive and I really feel that this can galvanise the area.' They will meet either Swansea or Moscow Chelski FC in the final on 24 February, with the two Premier League sides due to meet on Wednesday night. Parkinson says he would prefer a final against Swansea, who have a two-goal lead going into the second leg of the semi-final. 'I think a Swansea City against Bradford City final would be great for football,' he told BBC Sport. 'These competitions are normally always won by the big teams so it would be great for us to meet them. We'll go there as underdogs and we will definitely enjoy it.' City have fallen off the pace in their push for promotion from League Two and have failed to win in the league since Boxing Day. But Parkinson is confident that, despite the distraction of a cup final, his side has enough strength to win promotion. He said: 'The cup is probably bigger now because we're in the final but we're greedy and we want both. We've found it difficult to get going after some of our cup games and that is understandable. Having said that, I think we're good enough to get our league campaign back on track and look forward to our Wembley game.' The Bantams return to league action with a home match against Wycombe on Saturday.

The Scum's manager sour-faced whinging old gas-bucket (and drag) Sir Alex Ferguson had accused assistant referee Simon Beck of denying Wayne Rooney a clear penalty as Stottingtot Hotshots came from behind to snatch a late draw at White Hart Lane last week. Ferguson singled out Beck for criticism after Clint Dempsey's late goal prevented The Scum restoring their seven-point lead over Sheikh Yer Man City. Which is most unlike him since he seldom singles out anyone for criticism, he just whinges about the manifest unfairness of life in general. 'It was a clear penalty kick,' he whinged. 'But there was no way the linesman was going to give that - he gave them everything. He had a really poor game.' This is not the first time Ferguson has had a high-profile disagreement with Beck. In 2010 The Scum's manager was furious when Beck allowed Didier Drogba to score from an offside position as Moscow Chelski FC won at Old Trafford to take control of the title race. On this occasion, Rooney went down after a challenge by the Stottingtot Hotshots defender Steven Caulker midway through the second half and Ferguson was apoplectic with rage that Beck did not flag for a foul. 'I am disappointed with him - we have not had a good record with him,' Ferguson told BBC Sport. 'With Chelsea a couple of years back, he gave onside to Didier Drogba and he was three yards offside. You remember these things because it is [in] important games and that was an important game today. It was a clear decision. And he was ten yards away, maybe twelve yards away from the incident and he doesn't give it. And yet he gave everything else.' The football authorities have, reportedly, asked Ferguson to 'clarify' his comments. Not that they will do anything about it once he has, of course. As Ferguson's recent, hideous and provocative comments about yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies being 'a wee club in the North East' proved, Ferguson can, seemingly, say whatever the hell he likes - no matter how calculated it is to provoke an angry reaction in others - and simply get away with it. Because, he's above the law. And then The Scum's many supporters (few of whom, actually, live in Manchester) wonder why it is that the rest of the football world hates them and celebrates in any misfortune which may come their way.

Whinging Again, Alex?

Miserable old sour-faced Scottish windbag Sir Alex Ferguson says that Robin van Persie is 'lucky to be alive' after being hit in the head by a ball struck by Ashley Williams in The Scum's 1-1 draw with Swansea on Sunday. So, no crass and obscene hyperbole there, then, that's for sure. Van Persie was lying on the ground when Williams kicked the ball from a couple of yards away as the referee blew the whistle for a foul. Ferguson felt that Van Persie was 'fortunate' to escape serious injury. 'Robin van Persie is lucky to be alive. It was a disgraceful act from their player,' Ferguson whinged to BBC Sport. 'He should be banned by the FA. Robin could have had a broken neck.' Yes. Or, a large bird of prey could have swooped down and carried him off to its lair to feed its chicks, too. But, it didn't. The Scum manager claimed that Williams, had 'deliberately' aimed the ball at Van Persie, who reacted furiously - both players were cautioned by referee Michael Oliver. Ferguson added on Sky Sports: 'With the Van Persie situation, you can clearly see that he could have been killed. [Williams] should be banned for a long time because that was the most dangerous thing I've seen on a football field for many years. It was absolutely deliberate. The whistle has gone, the game has stopped and he has done that right in front of the referee, he could have killed the lad.' Williams denied that he had hit Van Persie intentionally. 'I've seen it on the TV and that's [Ferguson's] opinion,' said Williams. 'Everyone's going to have their own opinion but, from my point of view, I tried to apologise on the pitch but it all flared up. I just kicked the ball in frustration and obviously not trying to hit him square on the head. I understand exactly why he's angry. I'd be the same if the ball hit me on the head at that pace.' The Scum striker Wayne Rooney tried to play the incident down. 'I think it's one of those things,' he said. 'The whistle's gone, the defender has gone to clear and it's hit him in the head. I think probably the right decision from the referee.' The Scum led the Premier League by six points going into the weekend's fixtures but, after the draw with Swansea and rivals Sheikh Yer Man City's win over Reading, that advantage has been cut to four points.

Big Shola Ameobi scored his third goal of the season as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle handed Hapless Harry Redknapp his first defeat as Queens Park Strangers manager. It looked like being a frustrating day for the Magpies, who had lost six of their previous seven games, as Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse missed a number of good chances. But substitute Ameobi rifled in a shot with nine minutes remaining for his first league goal in nine months. Rangers, who defended stoutly whilst never looking remotely dangerous on the counter-attack, thought they had done enough as they looked to continue their mini-revival under new manager Redknapp. However, it was Redknapp's opposite number, Alan Pardew, who changed the course of the match, with two of his substitutes having a direct influence in the match-winning strike. Sylvain Marveaux replaced Cheick Tiote with thirteen minutes left, and his extra quality created the opportunity for Ameobi to collect the Frenchman's pass, cut inside and find the back of the net with a classy finish. It justified Pardew's decision to replace Papiss Cisse with Ameobi - a substitution which caused some discontent from the stands, and plenty of frustration from the Senegalese striker his very self. It capped a miserable day for the number nine, as he and his strike partner, Ba, struggled to break down a resolute Rangers defence expertly marshalled by Ryan Nelsen. The one time the two did link up to good effect midway through an uninspiring first-half ended with Cisse being denied by Fabio's well-timed tackle. Ba also fired two free-kicks into the stands as Newcastle looked short on ideas without influential midfielders Yohan Cabaye and Hatem Ben Arfa, both missing through injury. Newcastle were struggling for inspiration, until Pardew brought on Ameobi and Gabriel Obertan with half an hour to go. The change worked, as the home side became much more of a threat in the final third - Ba turning and having a shot deflected over and then seeing a weak header saved by Rob Green. A goal seemed inevitable, and it was no surprise when Ameobi slotted home. There was still time for the impressive Marveaux to go close with two shots which were well saved by Green, but Newcastle had done enough. The only negative to come out of the game for the hosts was a fifth booking of the season for Tiote, which rules the midfielder out of his side's Boxing Day trip to The Scum. Rangers will take plenty of heart from their workmanlike performance, with defeats for their relegation rivals Reading, Wigan and Southampton meaning very little has changed in the bottom four.

Meanwhile, Strangers boss Hapless Harry Redknapp has criticised the club's transfer policy before he came to the club. Redknapp, who replaced Mark Hughes as manager in November, questioned recent signings after a 1-0 loss at Newcastle. 'There are a lot of players at this club who earn far too much money,' he said. 'Far too much for their ability and what they give to the club. I don't really want to see the owners have their pants taken down like they have in the past.' Hapless Harry says the club's wage bill is too high and certain individuals in his squad are earning more than players at his former team Stottingtot Hotshots. 'A lot of agents made money out of [the club's owners],' Redknapp said. 'I fined a player last week and he was earning more than any player earned at Tottenham. You shouldn't be paying massive wages when you've got a stadium that holds eighteen thousand people. Newcastle holds fifty two thousand and most of their players will be nowhere near some of the wages some of the players are earning here.' Quite how Redknapp knows what Newcastle's players are earning, he didn't reveal. Hapless Harry pointed to the example of Portuguese full-back Jose Bosingwa, who has been fined two weeks wages for refusing to sit on the bench for last weekend's 2-1 victory over Fulham. The thirty-year-old, who was part of the Moscow Chelski FC squad which won the Champions League last season, has started just twelve Premier League matches for the Loftus Road club but his future now appears in doubt. 'He didn't want to be on the bench and didn't want to be a substitute, so he went home,' said Redknapp. 'He has been fined two weeks' wages, one hundred and thirty thousand pounds. Not too bad for two weeks - decent isn't it?' Asked how he might handle a player like that, Redknapp said: 'We'll find out in January.' The transfer window could see plenty of movement at the Strangers, with Redknapp admitting that his squad needs to be strengthened if they are to have a realistic chance of avoiding relegation. Strangers are currently five points from safety, after taking just ten points from their first eighteen league games. However, their form has improved under Redknapp - with three draws and a victory coming in the new manager's first four matches. 'Let's not kid ourselves, it's a hard job we have got on here,' Redknapp added. 'We have got to try to improve a little bit in the transfer window to give ourselves half a chance. We are short of options in one or two positions. If you look at Newcastle, they can go and bring a couple of fresh forwards on to make the difference but we haven't got that option really. We have got Bobby Zamora and Andy Johnson out with long-term injuries and we are desperately short of one or two bodies. Hopefully we can get to the window, get another result or two before then, and let's see what we can do in January.'

Manager Paul Lambert admitted his Aston Villains side were 'not good enough' against a rampant Moscow Chelski FC after they suffered a record 8-0 (EIGHT-NIL) hiding at Torpedo Stamford Bridge. The defeat was the wretched Villain's heaviest ever in the top flight. 'We were beaten up pretty badly from start to finish. The lads know themselves that that was not acceptable,' said Lambert. 'We were second best all over the pitch, I am not going to stand here and make excuses.' Villa came into the game unbeaten in their last six matches, including an impressive 3-1 win over Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws at Anfield last time out. But they fell behind after one hundred and twenty nine seconds when Fernando Torres headed past goalkeeper Brad Guzan and were soon buried by a ruthless attacking display by the Blues. 'We cannot concede as early as that at places like these, you are on the back foot right away. It is vital that you come here and try and get a foothold in the game,' Lambert added. 'You can't feel sorry for yourselves, you take your medicine in football and you have to go again. We have got two days to mull over it and we have got to go again on Wednesday.' The victory carried Moscow Chelski FC up from seventh to third and interim manager Rafael Benitez, who succeeded Roberto di Matteo at the end of November, believes his side are starting to play the way he wants them to. 'Everything impressed me the performance of the team,' said the Spaniard. 'We have been talking before about the mentality of the team; attacking, creating chances, we had good movement, we were good in defence. As a team we had the balance we are looking for.'