Day One: Here We Go Again

So, for those who don't know what all this malarkey kicking off in Brazil today is all about, here's the basics:

Association football is a sport which is played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Portugal are one of them, two teams of nine ... or ... eight ... - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport in the world. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something which girls play. The game takes place on a pitch of rectangular grass or artificial turf (you shouldn't, really, smoke the former, it's illegal - except in Holland, obviously. But, definitely don't try smoking the latter, you'll totally regret it). The object is to score 'a goal' by getting the ball into the opposing team's net and then stopping the opposition from doing the same thing to you. Fairly, of course. Or, if you're Italian, any damn way you can short of murder. In general play, the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to use their hands to touch the ball although at least one former Argentine international tended to ignore that rule whenever he felt like it. The rest of the team normally use their feet to kick the ball. Or, indeed, each other. It's a game of two halves, Brian, and at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will be Over The Moon, like, and the other lot will be As Sick As A Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves, and extra time, and then the Germans win on penalties. The game is controlled - or, more often, not controlled - by an officious, whistle-happy berk with a Mussolini complex aided by two visually-impaired prats with flags and some bloke called 'The Fourth Official'. Nobody seems to have a frigging clue what he does to justify his existence. Including, seemingly, The Fourth Official himself. The game was invented by the English but, whisper it, we're not really very good at it these days. The Brazilians, however, are. Usually. Except when they aren't. The Dutch and the Spanish are sometimes quite good too but, more often than not, they end up fighting among themselves after a couple of matches. Except that, in recently years, the Spanish have stopped doing that and, as a consequence, started actually winning things. Makes you think, doesn't it? The game has many rules, most of which are reasonably straight forward. Except for offside (don't ask, trust me, it's not worth it, we'll be here all day). Every four years the best thirty two nations in the world come together in a Spectacularly Expensive Corporate Brown-Tongued Hate-Fest Sponsored By Various Multi-National Creators Of Liver Disease And Child Obesity which is hosted by the country that pays the biggest bribes. Allegedly. Oh yes, very hot water. Scotland usually don't take part. Because, as noted, it's a tournament for the world's thirty two best national sides. Thirty one of them inevitably go home muttering darkly about bias, conspiracies, bad luck, dodgy red cards and 'that was never over the line.' Or, sometimes, 'that was definitely over the line.' There can be only one champion. A bit like the movie Highlander, if you will, only with less beheadings. Although, if you're ever seen Uruguay play ...

And so the Spectacularly Expensive Corporate Brown-Tongued Hate-Fest Sponsored By Various Multi-National Creators Of Liver Disease And Child Obesity (or, The World Cup for short) is back, dear blog reader. And, as the comedian John Oliver noted earlier this week, it is unique in being just about the only event in the world that can, simultaneously, make the billions watching it feel deliriously happy and incredibly conflicted at the same time. Only a game as glorious, as spiritually uplifting, and only an organisation as arrogant, sinister, ethically corrupt and morally bankrupt as FIFA is able to produce such an uncomfortable dichotomy. It'd almost be impressive if it wasn't so depressing

Brazil, dear blog reader. The home of football. They didn't invent it, it's true (we've got that on our charge sheet) but they took the game and did something with it that nobody expected. They made it beautiful. Those World Champion teams of 1958, 1962 and 1970 (and, the one that didn't win The World Cup but should have in 1982) taught us how to be outrageous, dazzling and sexy. Everything that ITV's football coverage isn't, in other words. The country that put the joy into football and the broadcaster that manages to suck all of the joy out of every match they cover. Quite a juxtaposition. As, outside the stadium, riot police attacked protesters with tear gas and batons inside, grumpy greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles simpered and spent his time licking Fabio Cannavaro's crack. God it was horrifying, dear blog reader. How can a major broadcaster get it so wrong, so often? And, their 'Bra-silllll' theme tune is, already, the most irritating thing in the whole world (bar none) and we've got another month of it to come. Fan-ruddy-tastic. According to an ITV spokesperson, Chiles gives their coverage, 'the man-in-the-street angle that the BBC lacks.' Which presumably explains why, whenever the Beeb and ITV both cover a match simultaneously, nine-out-of-ten punters prefer to watch Gary Lineker and co - you know, professionals - rather than a breakfast TV flop. Cannavaro had a look on his face that seemed to scream: 'I was told this was an English language channel.' The odious Chiles paused only from cumming in his West Brom undies over his new bestest friend, Fabio, to ask a really pissed-off looking Patrick Viera: 'You're in danger of being left out, Patrick. What are your World Cup memories?' Sadly, Viera didn't reply: 'Well, I won it.' Equally tragically, Lee Dixon did chose that moment to violently kick the bell-end Chiles up a-height like he did to David Ginola in the League Cup in 1995. Then, amazingly, it actually got worse. We had the sight of the really annoying Ian Wright, a man totally in love with the sound of his own voice, pestering some hapless German tourist of Copa Cabana Beach. I'm not making this up, dear blog reader. That was followed by the Opening Ceremony which this blogger chose to avoid as he popped out for a takeaway. Apparently, I didn't miss much. It was the usual stuff - dancers, men on stilts - although, tragically, we didn't have another appearance of Dunga The Dung Beetle from the Opening Ceremony four years ago. Jennifer Lopez was Dunga's stand in, seemingly after a will-she-won't-she story that fascinated all of three people. We got the Brazil line-up: Júlio César, Alves, Thiago Silva, David Luiz, Marcelo, Luis Gustavo, Paulinho, Oscar, Hulk, Neymar and Fred. Which looked a bit tasty although everybody knows that Luiz has never been as good since she married Jamie Redknapp.

The interesting thing was that in all of ITV's eighty seven hours of build up (that's an exaggeration, just in case you were wondering), barely a second was spent on discussing the other team playing in the opener. Of course, most football fans know that Croatia are a fine side; experienced, strong, good in defence, creative in midfield and with the ability to break with real pace. But, for all of the attention they got up to and including the moment when they started belting out their national anthem ('our beautiful homeland, our dear heroic land') you might have been forgiven for thinking they were just some Sunday League team who'd been sent out to provide The Gladiators with someone to stab. The fact that, prompted by the excellent Luka Modric in midfield, they were the better side in the opening minutes - all intricate passing and movement - didn't seem to matter either. Then, Ivica Olic found space (for about the third time) on the left-wing and his low cross evaded Nikica Jelavic but hit Marcelo on the toe and bobbled into the Brazil net. Oh dear, what a calamity. For the next twenty minutes, Brazil huffed and puffed, brought a couple of good saves out of Stipe Pletikosa and achieved very little except a yellow card for Neymar for elbowing Modric in the mush. Hard. Then, pretty much out of nothing, Neymar (who might have considered himself lucky to be on the pitch) scored the equaliser. Brazil then got their act together and, thereafter, it was a terrific game and even the ITV commentary couldn't, quite, spoil the party (Tyldesley's bizarre fascination with Modric's new haircut and ... well, everything that bloody Andy Townsend had to say, notwithstanding). A rather soft penalty (Lovren on Fred who went down very much in instalments) twenty minutes from time led to Brazil's (and Neymar's) second, which Pletikosa, frankly, should have saved. Another, seemingly, rather questionable decision from the Japanese referee was to penalise Olic for a foul on the Brazilian keeper which appeared to have preceded an equaliser. There's no doubt that Niko Kovač's men will feel jolly hard-done-by. As for Big Phil's Brazil, who were properly hanging on for most of the final few moments, a team under the weight of the expectations of an entire nation (well, at least all the ones that aren't protesting in the streets and getting tear-gassed) pinched a third, through Oscar, on the break in injury time and the samba party got itself started in earnest. The Spectacularly Expensive Corporate Brown-Tongued Hate-Fest Sponsored By Various Multi-National Creators Of Liver Disease And Child Obesity (or, The World Cup for short) is off and running and, for one night, at least, The Revolution has been postponed. How many more games this particular referee will be awarded during the tournament is another matter entirely.

Postscript: Ten minutes before the end of the game, apparently, another angry demonstration of disgruntled and rather stroppy locals began outside the media centre in Rio and, according to the odious Chiles (who looked like he'd just shat in his own pants), some of those taking part began throwing rocks at the ITV studio. Frankly, if he'd been there, this blogger would, definitely, have joined in. 'We were all sitting up here and then suddenly sharp, clattering sounds started greeting our ears and that was them pelting the glass of our studio and other studios around here. We did try to explain to them none of this is our fault at ITV Sport,' whinged Chiles. Yes it is. You employed Andy Townsend in the first place.

UEFA president oily little shit Michel Platini will not support his FIFA counterpart the odious appeaser of corruption Sepp Blather ahead of next year's election. Blather who has been under pressure over the 2022 Qatar World Cup, recently indicated he was to seek re-election for a fifth term. 'I am no longer supporting him, it's finished,' said Platini, sounding uncannily like a teenager breaking up with his latest girlfriend. 'He knows it, I told him. I think FIFA needs a new breath of fresh air.' Oily little shit Platini is yet to publicly declare whether her fancies a crack at the FIFA presidency himself.

England will send a member of manager Roy Hodgson's backroom team to inspect the pitch for Saturday's World Cup opener against Italy, with the head groundsman responsible for the surface admitting: 'It is in bad shape.' Pictures have revealed dry, brown marks across the Arena Amazonia turf. 'Frankly, Manaus is in bad shape,' said Carlos Botella, head groundsman for the Royal Verd company which is responsible for the turf at Manaus. 'The maintenance has been complicated.' Botella added: 'There are no roads. All the machinery and materials had to be brought by ship. There was no fertiliser and no seeds. Now we have put fertiliser down. We will increase the fertilising process with biostimulants and seeds to try to get the most out of the grass.' The stadium, which holds thirty nine thousand people, was constructed last year. It is due to host four World Cup games, including the Group G fixture between the United States and Portugal on 22 June, although this weekend's fixture is by far the most high-profile. A FIFA 'source' allegedly said that the problems had been caused by 'excessive use of fertiliser' - not the first time that FIFA has found itself having problems with a surfeit of shit - but added that the issue was 'largely cosmetic' and there is 'no threat' to the Group D game. 'The pitch in Manaus has been undergoing treatment in preparation for the World Cup. Over the last three months, mitigation procedures have been put in place and there continues to be significant improvement,' said a FIFA spokesman. England striker Wayne Rooney is unconcerned, saying: 'It's the same for ourselves and Italy, so we'll both have to deal with that.' Jeez, a once in a generation mind, that kid.

No Jenny On The Brazilian Block

ASDA was absolutely rammed on Monday morning, dear blog reader. Almost entirely with chaps with large bellies and tattoos wearing no tops and shorts which left little to the imagination and all of whom seemed to have their trolleys full with cans of Red Stripe. Anybody would think the weather had turned nice and the World Cup starts this week. Oh, hang on ...

Here's the great John Oliver on that very subject. The lad's certainly got a point with regard to the 'comically grotesque' FIFA, of course. Case in point, FIFA's president, the odious appeaser of corruption Sepp Blather has claimed that allegations surrounding the Qatar 2022 World Cup bid are 'motivated by racism.' Qatar was chosen as host in December 2010 but corruption claims have prompted FIFA to begin an inquiry. 'There is a sort of storm against FIFA relating to the Qatar World Cup,' the odious Blather said. 'Sadly there's a great deal of discrimination and racism.' FIFA will rule on the validity of the bidding for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups in September or October. At that point, the president of football's world governing body said, the 'matter will be closed.' Speaking to African football officials in Sao Paulo, Blather confirmed that the latest allegations 'would be discussed' at the FIFA Congress on Tuesday and Wednesday. He said FIFA 'needed to combat anything that smacks of discrimination and racism', adding: 'It really makes me sad.' At its general assembly in Sao Paulo, the Confederation of African Football condemned 'the repeated, deliberately hateful, defamatory and degrading attacks by some media, notably British, on the image and the integrity' of CAF, its members and the 'entire African continent.' CAF added that it would urge the executive committee 'to file a lawsuit, if necessary, so that the authors of this smearing and defamatory campaign against African football leaders are brought to book.' Qatar overcame competition from Australia, Japan, South Korea and the United States to be named as 2022 hosts. But the bidding process has been hit by a series of corruption claims. American lawyer Michael Garcia is currently involved in an independent investigation into the bidding process and is due to deliver his report to FIFA in mid-July. The odious Blather told delegates from the Asian Football Conference that Garcia would also speak at FIFA's congress to update delegates on his inquiry. Garcia is said to be investigating everyone connected with the bidding process for both the 2018 World Cup, to be staged in Russia and the 2022 event. Qatar's World Cup organising committee continues to reject claims of wrongdoing and says it is confident the vote was won fairly. One or two people even believed them. Whether Garcia's report will be the whitewash that many within the game expect is another matter entirely.

Meanwhile, the odious Blather has been urged to quit next year because of the damage that continuing corruption allegations have inflicted on football's governing body. Michael van Praag, boss of the Dutch Football Association, told Blather he should not seek re-election in 2015. 'Few people still take FIFA seriously and, however you look at it, Blather is mainly responsible,' said Van Praag. Greg Dyke, chairman of the English FA, said Blather's response to corruption claims over Qatar 2022 was 'worrying. These allegations need to be properly investigated and properly answered,' said Dyke. 'Mr Blatter, many of us are deeply troubled by your reaction to these allegations.' Addressing Blather at a meeting of European football officials in Brazil, Van Praag said: 'You are not making things easy for yourself and I do not think you are the man for the job any longer. FIFA's image has deteriorated because of everything that's happened in recent years. People link FIFA to corruption and bribery and all kinds of old boy's networks.' Dyke told assembled journalists he had told Blather at Tuesday's meeting that Blather's remarks about racism were 'totally unacceptable.' He added: "'he allegations being made are nothing to do with racism. They are allegations about corruption.' Blather was also urged to step down by UEFA vice-president David Gill. He said it was 'disappointing' Blather had decided to run again. Asked whether he thought Blather should step down next year, Gill added: 'Personally, yes. I think we need to move on.'

Brazilian riot police have used tear gas against protesters in Sao Paulo, three days before the World Cup opening game in the city's main stadium. Which makes an interesting change from using it against England supporters. The BBC's Katy Watson at the scene said that about three hundred demonstrators were there and helicopters circled overhead. Sao Paulo metro workers, who called the protest, have since suspended a strike over demands for a salary increase. Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff said that she would 'not allow' violent demonstrations to mar the World Cup. The strike, which began last Thursday, has caused widespread disruption in one of the world's most congested cities. A union spokeswoman told the BBC on Monday that they had suspended the strike for two days to allow for negotiations and that protesters would meet again on Wednesday to consider their position. If staff threatened with dismissal were not reinstated, she added, the protest would resume on the opening day of the World Cup.

Ashley Cole is to be questioned by police over claims he assaulted a TV presenter in an American nightclub. The Moscow Chelski FC footballer, who is in the United States after - amusingly - failing to be selected for the England World Cup squad, is to be interviewed by the Los Angeles Police Department in connection with the alleged battery. Cole is reported to have thrown champagne over Donatella Panayiotou, shouting: 'You know what this is for?' Panayiatou, reportedly slapped Cole during the brawl and both parties hurled abuse. The presenter, who is the daughter of nightclub millionaire Angelo Panayiotou, told police officers that she was 'pushed and shoved' during the argument, which she said resulted in her throat piercing being ripped out. The incident was witnessed by dozens of partygoers, with one saying it resembled 'a saloon bar brawl. The whole bust-up came out of nowhere,' the - anonymous - clubber told the Mirra. 'Ashley's group were spending a fortune knocking back the drinks. At one point Ashley and Donatella were at the same table and drinking happily.' Another witness added: 'Donatella was stunned by his outburst. They went at each other and had to be separated.' Panayiotou, who has appeared on the ITV series Young, Posh and Loaded, GMTV and Loose Women, declined to give details about the fight but told the Mirra: 'There was an incident and it is now in the hands of the police authorities following a formal complaint of assault against Ashley Cole.' One of the TV presenter's alleged friends allegedly said that the alleged incident 'may be connected' to 'a tryst' between Panayiotou and Sheikh Yer Man City winger Scott Sinclair, who is a friend of Cole's. Cole is expected to leave Moscow Chelski FC this summer after eight years. He had hoped to join a US club in Major League Soccer, but if charged and convicted, Cole's dream of a lucrative American career could be over. Which would, admittedly, be really funny. In the US, a simple battery conviction carries stiff penalties including up to six months in the county jail, community service and a maximum fine of two thousand bucks or probation for up to three years following a conviction.

Meanwhile, complete and total tragedy has stuck the World Cup on the eve of the tournament. Jennifer Lopez has reportedly pulled out of performing the official World Cup song at the opening ceremony. Oh, no. What are we gonna do now? Officials said that the singer could not attend Thursday's show because of unspecified 'production issues.' Lopez was due to perform alongside the rapper Pitbull (no, me neither) and the Brazilian singer Claudia Leitte, with whom she has recorded the song 'We Are One (Ole Ola)'. Pitball and Leitte will, apparently, go ahead and perform accompanied by drummers Olodum. 'For production issues, Jennifer Lopez, one of the artists of the official song 'We Are One', will not be able to perform at the World Cup opening ceremony,' said a statement from FIFA. The twenty five-minute ceremony in Sao Paulo will feature six hundred artists, including acrobatic gymnasts, trampolinists, marshal arts-style performers and stilt walkers. Last week, Lopez said that she was 'thrilled' to have been given the chance to perform at the opening ceremony. Lopez's cancellation comes amid protests and strikes in Brazil, where some are unhappy about the amount of money being spent on the tournament. The action has been on a smaller scale to the mass protests last year, which delayed the building of stadiums and key infrastructure projects. However, a poll by the Pew Research Centre suggested that sixty one per cent of the Brazilian public now felt that hosting the World Cup had been a bad idea, as it diverted money from public services such as healthcare.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United have signed midfielder Jack Colback on a free transfer from their bitter North-East rivals, Blunderland. Colback has agreed to leave The Stadium of Shite and sign a long-term deal at St James' Park after his contract with The Mackem Scum expired. 'To come to the team I supported as a boy, my home town team, will be really special for me,' claimed Colback. Blunderland trained Colback from the age of eight and said that the move left 'a bitter taste' because they could not recoup their 'significant investment.' Colback becomes the first player since Lionel Perez in 1998 to leave Blunderland for the Magpies, although the likes of Paul Bracewell, Lee Clark, Barry Venison, David Kelly, Bobby Moncur, Len Shackelton and Stan Anderson have previously represented both clubs with great distinction. And then there was Titus Bramble who, merely, represented both clubs. The Killingworth-born twenty fout year-old joined The Mackem Scum at the age of ten and has made over a century of first team appearances since his debut in May 2010. Previous to that Colback had spent some time on loan at Ipswich Town. In a hilariously whinging statement, The Mackems whinged that they had 'agreed to all of the terms demanded' by Colback and, at the player's and his representatives' request, put talks over his future on hold until the club's Premier League status was secured. They will receive no compensation as Colback is older than twenty four, the age at which a fee is no longer payable to a club for their work in developing young talent. 'To our dismay, however, we were subsequently never given the chance to negotiate with him to stay,' the club added. Colback, who can operate at full-back or in midfield, played thirty three times in the 2013-14 season as Blunderland avoided relegation with five wins and a draw from their final six league games and reached the final of the League Cup. In all, he made one hundred and fifteen league appearances for The Mackems. He added: 'If you asked fans around the world the one thing they'd like to do before they die, it would be to play for the team they support and I've got the chance to do that. I've only got good things to say about Sunderland. They gave me my chance and I want to thank the fans and the club for all their support.' Newcastle manager Alan Pardew, who signed Spanish striker Ayoze Perez on Friday, described Colback as 'versatile' and 'a great passer.' At least, we believe that's what he said. 'He's also a local lad and knows exactly what playing for this club means,' said Pardew.

Greasing The Wheels

FIFA is under growing pressure over its controversial decision to award the 2022 World Cup to Qatar. One of its main sponsors, Sony, has now called on the governing body to carry out 'an appropriate investigation' into claims of wrongdoing during the bidding process. Meanwhile, The Sunday Times has published new allegations based on a leak of millions of secret documents. Qatar were awarded the right to stage the 2022 World Cup in December 2010. The decision has come under increasing scrutiny with FIFA vice-president Jim Boyce saying recently that he would support a re-vote to find a new host if corruption allegations can be proven. Last week the newspaper alleged that Qatar's former FIFA Vice President Mohamed bin Hammam paid three million smackers to various football officials around the world to help 'win support' for Qatar in the run up to the World Cup vote in December 2010. Now Bin Hammam is facing claims that he used his top level contacts with the Qatari royal family and government to arrange 'deals and favours' to secure the tournament for his country. According to the e-mails, Bin Hammam visited Vladimir Putin in the Kremlin to discuss 'bilateral relations' between Russia and Qatar a month before the votes for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups and brokered government level talks for Thailand's FIFA executive, Worawi Makudi, to 'push a deal' on importing gas from Qatar to Thailand. Makudi told the paper that he 'didn't receive a concession' for his part in any gas deal which may, or may not, have been brokered. The paper also claims that Bin Hammam invited Germany's former FOFA executive Franz Beckenbauer to Doha just five months after the vote with bosses from an oil and gas shipping firm which was employing him as a consultant. The firm involved claims that it was 'exploring possible Qatari investments' in the shipping and maritime sector but that no deal ever came from the talks. When approached by The Sunday Times, former German international captain and, later, manager Beckenbauer declined to comment. Other allegations include: fixing meetings between nine FIFA executive committee members including Sepp Blatter with members of the Qatari royal family AND arranging a meeting between the Qatar bid team and UEFA boss, Michel Platini, at European football's headquarters in Nyon. Platini, who has openly admitted voting for Qatar, claimed that Bin Hammam 'didn't attend' the meeting and insists that he has 'nothing to hide.' Qatar's World Cup organising committee last week issued a statement denying - once again - that Bin Hammam played 'any official or unofficial role' in the bid. However, what the e-mails appear to demonstrate is that Bin Hammam - banned from football for life in 2012 for his part in another corruption scandal - was, indeed, working to secure support for the Qatar bid. But, while that might be uncomfortable for Qatar and FIFA, it is not clear that he or the bid broke any of the governing body's bidding rules. FIFA executive committee members were not subject to the same restrictions placed on bid officials and all the bidding nations used their heads of state and senior government figures to try and win influence and votes. England's failed bid for the 2018 tournament used Prince William, the president of the FA and Oily David Cameron throughout the latter stages of their campaign. It is also part and parcel of big sporting bids for countries to use them to try and broker big trade deals. FIFA's chief investigator, the New York lawyer Michael Garcia, must now consider whether to include the latest revelations in his long-running inquiry into the World Cup bids. But, he stated last week that he will wind up his investigation early this month before writing and filing his report with FIFA's new adjudicatory chamber in the middle of July. It is understood that while Bin Hammam's role raises fresh questions about Qatar's campaign, Garcia is 'unlikely to look too deeply' into his actions as Bin Hammam has already been banned by FIFA. Britain's FIFA executive committee member Jim Boyce told the BBC website that while the last week has been 'tough', world football's governing body is changing. 'Since I joined FIFA's executive committee in 2011 half of the committee has gone,' he said. 'bin Hammam, who there's been a lot of talk about recently, has been banned for life by FIFA and many of these other people mentioned are no longer at FIFA as well. There are a lot of very good people at FIFA and people who are only interested in furthering the game of football. And, obviously, FIFA don't get enough credit for what they do around the world.'

England's final warm-up game before they fly to Brazil for the World Cup was disrupted by a dangerous lightning storm which forced the match to be halted as they were held to a goalless draw by Honduras. The game was stopped for over forty minutes midway through the first half as bad weather hit the Miami area. Which meant that ITV viewers had to suffer odious greed bucket (and drag) Adrian Chiles waffling on about nothing for longer than the average's person's tolerance level for verbal diarrhoea can stomach. But, when play resumed, Roy Hodgson saw his England team last the pace well in fierce heat and humidity, although a feisty game against the physical Hondurans lacked any rhythm. England should have won, with Daniel Sturridge missing England's two best chances but, ultimately, Hodgson will have simply been delighted his players emerged unscathed from some rough treatment, which included Honduras defender Brayan Beckeles being sent off. Captain Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney were given forty five minutes each, while Everton midfielder Ross Barkley once again looked lively as he tried to make an impression on Hodgson ahead of next Saturday's opening World Cup game against Italy in Manaus. England left Miami for Rio de Janeiro immediately after the game and can now enter the final phase of their planning for the World Cup, although the interruption for weather reduced the effectiveness of this exercise.

Roy Hodgson says that The Arse midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain will be fit for the World Cup finals. The player suffered nasty knee ligament damage in England's 2-2 draw with Ecuador on Wednesday. Speaking after Saturday's 0-0 draw against Honduras Hodgson confirmed that the twenty-year-old would remain part of his plans. 'I think he will make the tournament without a shadow of a doubt. That's good news,' said Hodgson.

The BBC will broadcast the 2018 and 2022 World Cup finals in Russia and Qatar =- or, you know, wherever it ends up actually being played - after signing a new rights deal with FIFA. The new agreement, shared with ITV, covers TV, radio and online coverage. It continues the free-to-air broadcasting of World Cup tournaments to UK television viewers. The 2018 finals will be the fourteenth consecutive World Cup that the BBC and ITV broadcast together, dating back to the 1966 competition in England. More than three quarters of the UK population tuned in to some part of the 2010 tournament in South Africa. BBC director of sport Barbara Slater said: 'We are delighted to have secured the rights to one of the biggest sporting events in the world. It is fantastic news that the pinnacle event in world football will continue to be available free of charge for everyone in the UK. As we prepare for kick-off in Brazil we hope viewers at home will enjoy watching it as much as we will look forward to broadcasting it.' Niall Sloane, ITV director of sport said: 'The excitement building on the eve of this summer's tournament in Brazil demonstrates how the World Cup offers a shared, collective experience for people across the UK. So we're thrilled to be able to look forward to bringing the next two World Cups free-to-air to viewers in 2018 and 2022.'

Ayoze Perez became yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Newcastle United's first permanent signing since January 2013, joining from Tenerife, with official confirmation coming from the club on Friday lunchtime that Ayoze had signed a 'long-term contract.' Perez, aged twenty, scored sixteen goals in thirty four games for the Chicharreros last season. 'I'm very happy to be here to start this new adventure,' he told Newcastle's official website. 'Any football player would be interested in playing for such a club and I will earn my position to get in the first team.' Perez is Magpies' boss Alan Pardew's first summer signing and helps fill the attacking void left by the departure of Shola Ameobi, Loic Remy and Luuk de Jong. Newcastle's next permanent signing is set to be Blunderland's Jack Colback, with confirmation of a five year contract for the midfielder anticipated next week. Pardew's interest in Montpellier playmaker Remy Cabella is also said to be ongoing, but Press Association Sport claims that the club are yet to table a formal bid for a player who has been in their sights for some time. Newcastle's need to strengthen is no secret after the loss of midfielder Yohan Cabaye to Paris St-Germain in January, while Dan Gosling has also left the club for Bournemouth. With the futures of Hatem Ben Arfa, Sylvain Marveaux and Gabriel Obertan uncertain, there are likely to be major changes at St James' Park before the new season gets under way.

Horrorshow

The World Cup hasn't even started yet and, already, England are in danger of becoming a laughing stock. And this time, it's not even on the pitch. The Football Association made an 'uge error when they issued the team-sheet for England's World Cup warm-up match with Ecuador. England were held to a 2-2 draw by their fellow World Cup qualifiers in an entertaining, if somewhat heated, clash in Miami, during which Raheem Sterling and Antonio Valencia were sent off. But that flashpoint – which saw Ecuador’s Valencia strike Sterling in the face after a rather rash late tackle by the Liverpool winger – was not the biggest talking point of the night. The daftest lapse came courtesy of the FA, who listed every England player's passport number and date of birth on the team sheets which were handed around the press office. An incredible security breach and one which could, feasibly, lead to identity theft on an unprecedented scale. Though, to be fair, if anyone can afford to have their identities stolen, it's probably twenty three overpaid professional footballers. The FA admitted the error and said that it would 'investigate.' It wasn't the only breach - captain Frank Lampard had his signature displayed on the paperwork, which was obviously meant for official eyes only but ended up being distributed en masse. Hopefully England will hang around in Brazil long enough to get replacement passports sorted out.

So, as noted, Raheem Sterling got himself sent off and Wayne Rooney scored as an experimental England side drew 2-2 with fellow World Cup finalists Ecuador in Miami. More worrying for England manager Roy Hodgson - apart from the squad's passport numbers being printed on the pre-match team-match sheets - was a knee injury to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain after he collided with an opposing player in the sixty third minutes which saw him replaced by Jon Flanagan. England fell behind early on when Enner Valenica powered home a header on eight minutes, but England eased themselves in front courtesy of goals from a Wayne Rooney tap-in and a Rickie Lambert drive. Substitute Michael Arroyo slammed the ball high into the net from distance on seventy minutes to earn Ecuador a draw with James Milner and Jack Wilshere failing to close down space in time. Sterling replaced Rooney on sixty four minutes, but was sent off fourteen minutes later for a rather reckless attempt at a tackle on Antonio Valencia, who joined him in departing after grabbing the Liverpool winger and trying to throw him to the ground. Fortunately for Hodgson, the red card won't count ahead of the World Cup. It remains to be seen if Oxlade-Chamberlain will recover in time for their opening Group D match against Italy in Manaus a week on Saturday.

Odious worthless greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles knows all too well how it feels to be mocked on social media as a regular feature on anyone's timeline during ITV's coverage of a big match. But, he got off to the worst possible start as England drew with Ecuador on Wednesday, making an hilariously stupid blunder almost immediately. The gaffe-prone grumpy presenter will lead ITV's -thoroughly wretched - coverage of the World Cup in Brazil, but blunders have become a standard part of his repertoire. Indeed, Chiles got well ahead of himself as he opened up coverage of England's match in Miami by lamenting the weather in ... Rio – only to hastily realise, to his horror, that the game was in fact in the USA. The embarrassing gaffe was swiftly picked up on social media with fans roundly deriding the presenter, who was plucked from the BBC on a big-money contract by ITV to, among other things, front their football coverage. It's far from the first time that Chiles has made a high-profile mistake when attempting to be humorous. The former - sacked - presenter of breakfast TV fiasco Daybreak also famously once promised anyone who was 'still awake' during the dour FA Cup tie between Fulham and Sheffield United covered by ITV to write in and he would 'send them a fiver.'

Let Her Sedition Hush

According to numerous press reports, like this one in the Gruniad Morning Star and this one in the Daily Scum Mail, England's players will be 'expected' to sing the national anthem before games at the forthcoming World Cup. If true, then this 'expectation' is one of the most sick and most wicked things this blogger has come across in a very long time, dear blog reader. That's, to repeat, if it's true. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping had always believed - wrongly, as it turns out - that we live in a democracy in Great Britain where freedom of political and spiritual beliefs as well as freedom of action (within, of course, the boundaries of the law as it currently stands) is something of a given. It would seem not. So, as in totalitarian knobcheese dictatorships like China and Iran (and, historically, the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany) our sportsmen and women are now, apparently, 'expected' to show their blind allegiance to the head of state. And, in the most Stalinist way imaginable, by 'a public show of loyalty', no less. Presumably those England players who are 'expected' to sing the national anthem but chose not to - as is their right - will subsequently be dropped from the side, suffer public humiliation for their Thought Crimes which will then be followed by a lengthy spell in the salt mines as 'correction' for their 'unpatriotic' ways. And that's before we get onto the fact that the song in question is both crassly jingoistic and racist (check out the anti-Scots fourth verse for proof of that). It's odd, isn't it, whenever we see images of one hundred thousand North Koreans in Pyongyang in a public show of glazed-eyed sycophantic brown-tongued 'deference' to Kim Jong Un we see it for what it is, an example of ludicrous - and quite sinister - state control. And, we repulsed by it. Yet, when between one and eleven Englishmen may (or may not) wish to have the right not to do something similar, they're criticised for it. Did we fall asleep and wake up in 1984? Didn't we fight a war in the 1940s in support of the values of freedom to do - or not to do - whatever the hell we liked and against being forced into just this kind of lickerty-split cow-towing to authority, or did I just dream that? What next, I wonder ...? Well, this is the sort of thing we end up with when we start down that slippery slope.

If FIFA Were Any More Bent They'd Be Playing Centre Forward For Aston Villa

FIFA is facing fresh allegations of corruption over its controversial decision to award the 2022 World Cup to Qatar. The Sunday Times claims to have 'obtained' millions of secret documents - e-mails, letters and bank transfers - which, it alleges, are 'proof' that the disgraced Qatari football official Mohamed Bin Hammam made payments totalling over three million quid to football officials in return for their support for the Qatar bid. Qatar 2022 and Bin Hammam have always strenuously denied the former FIFA vice-president actively lobbied on their behalf in the run-up to the vote in December 2010. But, according to e-mails 'obtained' by The Sunday Times, it is 'now clear' that Bin Hammam, was lobbying on his country's behalf at least a year before the decision was made. The documents also appear to show how Bin Hammam was making payments directly to football officials in Africa to, allegedly, buy their support for Qatar in the contest. When approached by The Sunday Times to respond to their claims, Bin Hammam's son Hamad Al Abdulla declined to comment on his behalf. Although the vast majority of the officials did not have a vote, The Sunday Times alleges that Bin Hammam's strategy was to win a groundswell of support for the Qatari bid which would then influence the four African FIFA executive committee members who were able to take part in the election. The Sunday Times also alleges that it has documents which prove Bin Hammam paid three hundred and five thousand Euros to cover the legal expenses of another former FIFA executive committee member from Oceania, Reynald Temarii. Temarii, from Tahiti, was unable to vote in the contest as he had already been suspended by FIFA after he was caught out by a previous Sunday Times sting asking bogus American bid officials for money in return for his support. The paper now alleges that Bin Hammam provided Temaril with 'financial assistance' to allow him to appeal against the FIFA suspension, delaying his removal from the executive committee and blocking his deputy, David Chung, from voting in the 2022 election. The paper claims that had Chung been allowed to vote he would have supported Qatar's rivals Australia. Instead there was no representative from Oceania allowed to vote, a decision which may have influenced the outcome in Qatar's favour. Bin Hammam was initially banned from football for life in July 2011 after being found guilty of attempted bribery. The allegations centred around bids to buy votes in the FIFA presidential election of that year. However his ban was annulled a year later by the Court of Arbitration for Sport which said there was 'insufficient evidence' to support the punishment. Bin Hammam then quit football saying that he had seen 'the very ugly face of football.' FIFA issued him with a second life ban in December 2012 for 'conflicts of interest' while he was president of the Asian Football Confederation. In March 2014, the Daily Torygraph reported that a company owned by Bin Hammam had paid former FIFA vice-president Jack Warner and his family more than one million smackers. Payments were claimed to have been made shortly after Qatar won the right to host the 2022 World Cup. The paper also makes fresh allegations about the relationship between Bin Hammam and Warner. Although Warner was forced to resign as a FIFA vice-president in 2011, after it was proved he had helped Bin Hammam to bribe Caribbean football officials in return for their support in his bid to oust the long-standing FIFA president Sepp Blatter, the paper says it 'has evidence' which shows more than $1.6m was paid by Bin Hammam to Warner, including four hundred and fifty thousand dollars in the period immediately before the vote. The new allegations will place FIFA under fresh pressure to re-run the vote for the 2022 World Cup, which was held in conjunction with the vote for the 2018 tournament. FIFA's chief investigator Michael Garcia is already conducting a long-running inquiry into allegations of corruption and wrongdoing during the 2018 and 2022 decisions. He is due to meet senior officials from the Qatar 2022 organising committee in Oman on Monday. But that meeting may now have to be postponed in light of The Sunday Times revelations.

Anyway, here's a couple of Top Telly Tips for your diaries:

Thursday 12 June
The World Cup starts and the opening match Brazil versus Croatia (kick-off 9.00pm) will be covered - incompetently as always - by ITV along with the opening ceremony. The twentieth staging of the competition gets under way at the Arena de Sao Paulo, where the host nation begin their Group A campaign. This is the second time that Brazil has hosted the tournament, with the last occasion in 1950 finishing with them as runners-up to their big rivals Uruguay. The feast of global football has remarkably not been held on South American soil since Argentina's controversial home victory (for which read as bent as a David Beckham free-kick) of 1978. Brazil are always expected to be involved in the latter stages and have the honour of being the only nation to play in every World Cup finals, but the pressure on The Samba Boys is higher than ever this year, with nothing less than victory being acceptable to their adoring, yet hard-to-please, fans. Several Premier League-based players are expected to be involved, with the starting XI for the hosts looking to add their names to an illustrious list of World Cup heroes that includes the likes of Pele, Garrincha, Jairzinho, Rivalino, Socrates, Zico and Ronaldo. They begin against a Croatian side which needed a play-off against Iceland to qualify for the finals after finishing behind Belgium in their group and, while they possess a talented squad of players, they will not be expected to spoil the party this evening despite opening matches being notoriously difficult to predict. Plus, live coverage of the opening ceremony with Matt Smith and guests. Presented by odious grump greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles, with - rubbish - commentary by Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend, and - equally rubbish - analysis by Fabio Cannavaro, Lee Dixon and Patrick Vieira.

Friday 13 June
The BBC's coverage of the World Cup gets under way with Spain versus The Netherlands (kick-off 8.00pm). The opening Group B match for both teams, which takes place at the Arena Fonte Nova in Salvador, is a repeat of the 2010 final (one of the worst games in the history of football, as it happens). The Spaniards in the Works enter the tournament as the reigning champions after beating the Dutchies in the last World Cup final in South Africa. What was expected to be a showpiece contest turned into an ill-tempered and depressingly poor affair which produced more yellow cards - fourteen - than shots on goal and saw Johnny Heitinga extremely sent off following a second booking in extra time, shortly before Spain produced a winner through Andres Iniesta. This evening's fixture could prove to be another cagey encounter, especially as both nations will be eager to start the campaign with a positive result (or, at least, not a negative), as they attempt to navigate their passage to the knock-out stage from a group which also includes Australia and Chile. While the Spanish side will be among the favourites for glory once again after winning their last three major tournaments and reaching the final of the Confederations Cup in Brazil last year, the Dutch will fancy their chances after going undefeated through the qualifying campaign, winning nine of their ten fixtures. Presented by yer actual Gary Lineker, with commentary by Steve Wilson and monosyllabic Mark Lawrenson, and analysis by the barely coherent Rio Ferdinand, full-of-himself French-type person Thierry Henry and Alan Shearer. Who will, hopefully, give La Grande Thierry an elbow in the mush if he starts any of his stuck-up 'why isn't everybody talking about me, me, me, me, me, me, me' malarkey.

Jungle Fever

England will play four-time winners Italy, as well as Uruguay and Costa Rica, in Group D at the 2014 World Cup. Tough group, though it could have been worse. Not much, admittedly. Rockin' Roy Hodgson's men open their campaign against The Eyeties in the Amazonian city of Manaus on 15 June in what was initially announced as the only World Cup game which would be kick-off off at 9pm (2am UK time), though that was later amended to 6pm (11pm UK time). England take on Uruguay on 19 June and play Costa Rica five days later. Hosts Brazil are in Group A with Cameroon, Mexico and Croatia while holders Spain open with a repeat of the 2010 final against Netherlands before taking on the much fancied Chile and Australia. England will have to travel over seventeen hundred miles from their chosen base in Rio for their first match in the tropical heat of Manaus, which in the heart of the Amazon jungle. Earlier this week, Hodgson described Manaus as 'the place to avoid' because of the climate - temperatures reach thirty degrees and humidity is about eighty per cent - although after the draw the England boss took comfort from the fact his team would be facing a fellow European side. 'The conditions in the North will be tough, so we will both be in same boat,' he said. 'If we'd had three games up in the North, it would have been difficult.' Following Hodgson's initial comments, the mayor of Manaus, Arthur Virgilio, said England would not be welcome in the city. And, this is different for most venues we play how, exactly? England take on two-time champions Uruguay, who will have Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haw's Luis Suarez in their squad, in Sao Paulo and they play Costa Rica in Belo Horizonte - both venues are within two hundred odd miles of their base. England have never previously beaten either Italy or Uruguay at a major tournament, while they have never faced Costa Rica. Scotland have. They lost. Uruguay, who reached the semi-finals in 2010 and Italy, who knocked Hodgson's men out of Euro 2012, are ranked sixth and seventh respectively in the FIFA rankings while Costa Rica are thirty first in the world - eighteen places below England. 'With Uruguay and Italy, we almost have two number one seeds in our group,' Hodgson added, glumly. 'We know how good Italy are because we lost to them in the quarter-finals at the Euros. It does not surprise me at all to get a tough draw. But I am still very positive about the whole affair, as you never know.' Germany face Portugal in Group G, which also contains Ghana and the USA, who are managed by German legend Jurgen Klinsmann. Columbia, Japan, Greece and the Côte d'Ivoire make up Group C, whilst Group E consists of Switzerland, Ecuador, France and Honduras. Argentina have been placed in Group F with débutants Bosnia-Hercegovina, Iran and Nigeria - meaning Newcastle team-mates Fabricio Coloccini and Shola Ameobi may well be up against each other when the Argies take on The Super Eagles. Russia, who are managed by ex-England manager Fabio Capello, will play Belgium, Algeria and South Korea in their group. England, who were drawn in Group D by their World Cup-winning striker Geoff Hurst - thanks for that, Geoff - have not played Italy in the World Cup finals since losing a third-place play-off against the Azzurri in 1990. They last met Uruguay in the competition during the 1966 tournament, drawing 0-0 against She south Americans before going on to win their first and only World Cup.

The filthy Scum of humanity suffered consecutive home league defeats for the first time since 2002 (and, only the third time in Premier League history), as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle earned their first league win at Old Trafford since 1972. On that occasion, a week after they'd been humiliatingly dump out of the FA Cup by Hereford with the whole country watching on Match Of The Day, goals by Hallelujah John Tudor and Stewie, Stewie, Stewie, Stewie Barrowclough helped The Toon beat yer actual Charlton, Best, Law and the rest of them. This time, it was Yohan Cabaye who swept home the only goal for the Magpies - his third of the season - moments after Patrice Evra had headed against the post for the champions. David Moyes' calamitous start as The Scum's manager turned into a full-blown crisis as Cabaye ended Newcastle's forty one-year wait for an Old Trafford win. It meant The Scum have lost five times already this season and have collected just two points from their last four games. And we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for them? Sod that. Especially after we were treated to the sign of cheating little shit Javier Hernandez throwing himself to the ground in baltant attempt to gain a penalty when not even touched by Fabricio Coloccini. Cheaters never proser. It was, perhaps, little wonder that the reaction at the end was one of anger from the - notoriously fickle and uppity - home supporters, who watched virtually the same group of players they booed off today (those them that had bothered to stay to the final whistle, that is) clinch a twentieth title by eleven points less than seven months ago. When Evra's clearing header bounced back off Moussa Sissoko, allowing the Newcastle man a free run into the area, before cutting back a perfect cross to invite Cabaye's first-time finish on the hour, the discontent rippled round all the stadium but for a small corner where, predictably, the travelling Toon Army went effing bonkers off-it. Amid their glee, the Magpies fans delivered two of the cruellest jibes imaginable. They suggested that Moyes would be 'sacked in the morning' and that The Scum would be accompanying Sunderland into the Championship at the end of the season (in several delirious choruses of 'you're going down with The Mackems'). Filthy cheat Hernandez and Adnan Januzaj had efforts saved by Tim Krul, before Robin van Persie's header was, rightly, adjudged offside. After the midweek defeat by Everton, David Moyes's side now sit twelve points adrift of Premier League leaders The Arse. Newcastle, meanwhile, bounced back from their own midweek defeat at Swansea, and showed the sort of form which had, previously, seen them win four games on the trot jumping up to sixth place in the league. (They dropped back to seventh after Stottingtot Hotshots beat Relegation-Haunted lunderland at the Stadium of Shite in the day's late kick-off.) Geet cush, so it was. Of course, as bloody usual in the football world, hardly anybody mentioned how well Newcastle had played or gave them any credit whtsoever, concentrating instead of 'what's going wrong for The Scum?' 'Circumstances were against them' it was claimed, with Rooney sidelined, Carrick injured and all of their other midfielders congenitally useless. Sky Sports' resident arse-lick Jamie Redknapp - almost as big a diarrhoea-spouting waste-of-space as his Old Man - was asked if he had 'seen this result coming' and he claimed that he had. He then spent the next five minutes talking about the game and didn't mention Newcastle once, whilst slavvering on and on about how badly The Scum had played. It was, undeniably, a seriously dispiriting performance from The Scum. And, an excellent laugh for everybody else. Aside from fifteen minutes or so early in the second half, they simply failed to test Newcastle, who were solid at the back - with Mike Williamson and Coloccini is particularly outstanding form - solid in the middle (where Cheick Tioté was man of the match) and consistently dangerous on the break.

We're On The Way To Rio By The Sea-O

Uruguay became the last nation to book their spot at the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil with a 0-0 second-leg draw against play-off opponents Jordan. Uruguay had all but secured their berth with a 5-0 victory in the first leg. Uruguay dominated the first half in the return leg in Montevideo and came closest to scoring when Diego Godin headed against the crossbar. 'We're all happy because the truth is it's been a hard road,' said striker Edinson Cavani. Uruguay were competing in the World Cup qualifying play-offs for the fourth successive tournament, but knew that it would take a miraculous effort for Jordan to overturn five goal deficit. The South Americans, who are currently ranked sixth in the world, boast a rich World Cup pedigree having won the trophy in 1930 and 1950 and also reached the semi-finals last time out in South Africa. But Oscar Tabarez's men finished fifth in their continent's qualifying after being edged out of the automatic places by Ecuador on goal difference. It meant that they were forced to negotiate a two-legged tie against a Jordan side, who had beaten Uzbekistan in the Asian qualifying group to reach the play-off. However, with Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws striker Luis Suarez partnered up front by Paris St-Germain's fifty five million quid striker Cavani, they were always likely to have too much firepower for the Middle East nation. Jordan, who have never appeared at the World Cup finals, are ranked sixty four places below Uruguay in the world.

France became the first European team to overturn a two goal first-leg deficit to reach the World Cup with a thrilling 3-0 victory over ten-man Ukraine. Mamadou Sakho tucked in Franck Ribery's shot and Karim Benzema levelled the tie from an apparent offside position, having been wrongly denied by the linesman's flag earlier. Ukraine's Yevhen Khacheridi was sent off early in the second half and the tie was decided when Sakho converted Ribery's cross under pressure from Oleg Gusev. At the time of Khacheridi's dismissal, France were 2-0 up after a pulsating opening period but any chance that Ukraine had of altering the flow of the match then drained away. His red card was certainly avoidable after receiving a first yellow card for shoving Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws defender Sakho before half-time and he thoughtlessly fouled Ribery two minutes into the second half. France coach Didier Deschamps asked for an 'exceptional' match from his team and - led by an impressive display from the recalled Yohan Cabeye, they replied in some style as they handed Ukraine their first defeat of 2013 and avoided becoming the first French side to miss out on the World Cup since they failed to qualify for the 1994 finals. That mark on France's rich football history came via a final qualifier defeat by Bulgaria in November 1993 - and roared on by a partisan crowd at the Stade de France, the 1998 World Cup winners seemed determined not to suffer the same fate. Marseille's Mathieu Valbuena and Bayern Munich's Ribery were a menace throughout, conjuring a variety of deadly set-plays, quick combinations and strong running. And they were involved in several exchanges as Valbuena, Juventus midfielder Paul Pogba and Real Madrid's Benzema all went close to opening the scoring in the first twenty minutes. It was in stark contrast to an insipid first-leg display in Ukraine, who this time struggled to begin with but looked to be finding their feet when the hosts went ahead. Ukraine managed to clear Valbuena's free-kick and although Andriy Pyatov made a superb save to stop Ribery's fierce shot, Sakho was on hand to crash the ball in. Deschamps' side then continued their first-half onslaught as Pogba fired over but they were fortunate to grab their second goal after thirty four minutes, although they will feel that justice was served after Benzema was previously ruled offside for a goal when he appeared to be level with the Ukraine defence. The Real Madrid forward had his first effort disallowed after tucking in Ribery's cross on the half-hour mark. Then four minutes later, Cabaye's shot through a congested penalty area struck Valbuena before falling for Benzema, and despite being offside by two yards, the goal was allowed to stand. Ukraine almost clawed a goal back when Mathieu Debuchy blocked Andriy Yarmalenko's goal-bound shot with France goalkeeper Hugo Lloris beaten. However, their task became more difficult after the break when Khacheridi received two yellow cards in the space of two minutes either side of the interval. Benzema wasted a great chance to put France ahead as he fired over from ten yards when he had time and space to shoot after more good work by Ribery. But when Ribery crossed in from the right, Sakho directed the ball home from close range to send France to the World Cup.

Nigeria became the first African nation to reach the World Cup finals after a 2-0 victory over Ethiopia in Calabar confirmed a 4-1 aggregate play-off win. Victor Moses coolly slotted home a first half penalty before substitute Victor Obinna slammed home a late free-kick to see Nigeria through to their fifth World Cup finals in six attempts. Efe Ambrose had the first Nigerian shot in the opening moments after Brown Ideye had broken into the Ethiopian penalty area, but the Glasgow Celtic defender's effort was wild and high. Sisay Bancha then produced a wonderful double save after a seemingly innocuous throw-in by Ahmed Musa reached Emmanuel Emenike in space inside the Ethiopia penalty area. His shot was stopped and Moses' follow up was turned behind for a corner by the Ethiopia goalkeeper. The game then turned in Nigeria's favour as Musa received the ball on the Nigeria left and attempted a cross. Aynalem Hailu - the defender who conceded a last-minute penalty in Addis Ababa - jumped to block and was - perhaps harshly - adjudged to have handled the ball. Moses stepped up, and scored an almost identical penalty to Emenike's first leg effort, passing the ball into the bottom right-hand corner and sending Bancha the wrong way. It was Moses' third penalty against Ethiopia in 2013, having scored two spot kicks against the Waliya Antelopes at this year's CAF Africa Cup of Nations. Ogenyi Onazi then received the ball on the Nigeria right and whipped in a cross to the back post, but Ideye headed wide of the goal. The two combined again just before the interval, with Onazi's shot from distance parried by Bancha and Ideye hitting his follow-up over the bar. Salahdin Ahmed found himself free of the Nigeria defence after the break, but the in-form Vincent Enyeama rushed off his line to smother the ball before the Ethiopia number seven could get his shot away. Emenike then sprinted in behind the Ethiopian defence after a through ball by Onazi, but Bancha was quickly off his line to thwart the Fenerbahce frontman. Ahmed was brought down by Moscow Chelski's Kenneth Omeruo on the edge of the box, and took the resulting free kick but it was wasted and Shemeles Bekele found himself offside after the ball was chipped back into the box. The second half continued to move along at a relaxed pace, until Obinna's late free kick. The Lokomotiv Moscow forward curled his right-footed effort past Bancha, who should really have done better with the set piece. As the rain began to hammer down towards the end, the Ethiopians' sour mood matched the miserable weather, but the hosts did not care. They danced jubilantly and joined the crowd in celebration on the final whistle as their thoughts turned to next summer's carnival of soc-her in Brazil.

Sweden captain Zlatan Ibrahimovic says that the World Cup is 'not worth watching' without him after their play-off loss. The Paris St-Germain striker scored twice against Portugal on Tuesday but Cristiano Ronaldo's hat-trick took his side through 4-2 on aggregate. Ibrahimovic got a reet sulky lip on when he said: 'It was probably the last attempt to reach the World Cup with the national team for me. A World Cup without me is nothing to watch so it is not worthwhile to wait for the World Cup.' Oooo. Get her. The play-off between Sweden and Portugal, who had both finished second in their qualifying groups, had been billed as a showdown between Ibrahimovic and Ronaldo - two of the best players in the world. They ended up scoring all six goals between them as Portugal won 4-2 on aggregate. Former Inter Milan forward Ibrahimovic, who has played in two World Cups, scored eight times in qualifying, including the play-offs, and assisted another six goals - having a hand in fourteen out of Sweden's twenty one goals. He told UEFA's website: 'Why did we lose? To be honest, they were better than us. We should be proud. We couldn't have done better than we did. Of course, we could look back at our mistakes, but these things happen. They punished our mistakes. After making it 2-1 it felt like we were on a roll, our hopes grew, but unfortunately they made it 2-2 soon afterwards.' Real Madrid forward Ronaldo, who has scored thirty four goals in twenty four games this season for club and country, said: 'I just did my job, as I have been doing lately. I always try to give my best - that is always my goal.' He is now Portugal's joint-top scorer, along with retired former Paris St-Germain striker Pauleta on forty seven. 'It was not a priority for me to break Pauleta's record,' the twenty eight-year-old said. 'I knew Portugal needed me and I stuck to the task at hand. Now we have some time to rest and to do our best for our clubs before starting to think about the World Cup finals.'

Ghana were the top scorers in the African qualifiers with eighteen goals in six group matches and managed more points (fifteen) than any other country in their region, though they did suffer a surprise 1-0 loss away against Zambia. But they made light work of overcoming one of the continent's dominant sides, Egypt, in the play-offs, winning 7-3 on aggregate. Algeria knocked out Burkina Faso on away goals after a 3-3 draw in their play-off tie - and had a close escape in stoppage time when a clearance struck their own crossbar. Cameroon qualified for the World Cup for the seventh time - a record for an African nation. Japan might have qualified with the highest points tally in the Asian competition, but special mention must go to Iran, who managed to top their five-team group despite scoring just eight goals in eight matches. Their defence proved crucial, conceding only twice in seven hundred and twenty minutes of qualifying action. Australia managed only three wins from a group containing Iraq, Oman, Jordan and Japan, form which would eventually contribute to their coach, Holger Osieck, getting the tin tack, but they still made it to Rio by the skin of their teeth. Seven teams made it through the whole campaign without losing in Europe (Belgium, England, Germany, Italy, Netherlands, Spain and Switzerland), but it is the records of the Germans and Dutch that stand out: played ten, won nine, drawn one, both amassing twenty eight points from a possible thirty and scoring seventy goals between them. With just seconds left of the entire campaign, Mexico's hopes were all but over. Their defeat on the final day against Costa Rica in the Confacaf section meant that Panama, playing at the same time, needed only to beat the already-qualified United States at home to book their place in Brazil. With the Panamanians leading 2-1 in injury time, the Americans struck back, scoring in the ninety first and ninety second minutes, to end Panama's dream in the most painful of circumstances. The Mexies then went on to beat New Zealand in the play-off meaning that, for the first time in a couple of world cups, Oceania does not have a representative at the finals (Australia, of course, now play in the Asian qualifying group considering themselves to be too good to play with the likes of Samoa and Fiji). The United States topped the Confacaf qualifying group but Jurgen Klinsmann's men were not without their problems - they lost to Jamaica, Costa Rica and Honduras along the way. In the absence of Brazil, who qualify automatically as hosts, there was a three-way tussle at the top of the South American table between eventual group winners Argentina, Colombia and the impressive Chile. The three sides all finished with nine wins from their sixteen matches, but it was the combined firepower of Lionel Messi and Gonzalo Higuain, who between them scored nineteen goals, which made the difference for Argentina.

Plans to 'inject some fun' at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United's St James' Park stadium by installing slides outside of the ground have been vetoed by the club. On the grounds, presumably, that nobody has 'fun' at St James' Park these days. Company NE1 announced plans in February to build two 'travel accelerators' beside the car park at the stadium. But the firm said that the plan had now been shelved after United, which owns the land, said it was 'no longer available for use.' The club declined to comment further. As usual. Newcastle currently lie ninth in the Premier League and have been having a good run of form recently, with wins against both Moscow Chelski FC and Stottingtot Hotshots, but the season has been somewhat soured by some fans' general grumpy unhappiness with the club's owner, PC disaster-waiting-to-happen Mike Ashley. In October, hundreds marched through the city to protest against the way Ashley has been running the club. The slides, which were intended 'to inject some fun' into Newcastle, will not be located elsewhere as they had been designed for the area around the ground, NE1 said. It said it was now 'moving its attention' to other areas in the city. The idea was part of the 'pocket park programme', designed to 'infuse new life' into areas of the city centre which were 'neglected or underused.' The plans were submitted to the council's planning committee earlier in the year. They would have been a similar in design to ones used by commuters at Overvecht railway station in Utrecht, Netherlands.

Moscow State Circus

French striking duo Yoan Gouffran and Loic Remy scored second-half goals to give yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though utterly unsellable) Magpies a well-deserved victory over in-form Moscow Chelski FC at St James' Park and sent the Premier League's only Russian club off back to Torpedo Stamford Bridge with their tails between their legs. And given that included John Terry, Ashley Cole and Christie Bleakley's bloke, trust me dear blog reader, that was a good thing. Moscow Chelski FC, on the back of six straight wins, edged the first-half as Terry hit the bar as easily as he once used to hit on his team-mates wives and then had another header cleared off the line. However, the Magpies dominated after the break and went ahead when Gouffran headed home Yohan Cabaye's pin-point free-kick. Victory was sealed when Remy curled in a shot from Vurnon Anita's pass shortly before the final whistle. And while it may still take some Newcastle supporters a bit of time to forget last weekend's calamitous defeat against local rivals relegation-haunted Blunderland at their Stadium of Plight, this result gives more promise of steady progression for United following their battling draw against Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and a victory at Cardiff which preceded that derby day defeat. This was a timely reminder that, for all of the animosity towards Newcastle's owner Mike Ashley, manager Alan Pardew does have a side who are capable of beating the best when they get it right and when they feel like it. It was a win that, for the time being at least, has given supporters depressed by Ashley's handling of their club (banning the local press for covering games because they dared to report criticism of him, no less), enormous pride in those who represent them in black and white stripes. The Toon's victory over Moscow Chelski FC, who started the day second in the Premier League, was built on a disciplined defensive display and a powerful second-half attacking performance which overwhelmed their below-par visitors. Moscow Chelski FC playmakers Juan Mata, Oscar and Eden Hazard were not given room to dictate play by United's hard-working midfield trio of Cabaye, Cheick Tioté and Moussa Sissoko, meaning that Fernando Torres was starved of the service. Newcastle kept their shape well, limiting Moscow Chelski FC to just two chances in a fairly subdued first-half - both of them from set-pieces. First Terry nipped in front of Mike Williamson to head Mata's corner against the bar before Davide Santon stooped to head the former England skipper's goal-bound header off the line. Moscow Chelski FC might have been dominating possession and pressing Newcastle back when they did lose the ball, but they lacked the penetration to break down their resolute hosts. It also served to offer Newcastle encouragement, and the home side gradually seized control after the break - Moscow Chelski keeper Petr Cech having to be alert to deny Sissoko and then Gouffran. The pressure finally told in the sixty eighth minute when Gouffran nipped in front of Branislav Ivanovic to head home Cabaye's pin-point free-kick. It appeared Alan Pardew had instructed Cabaye to put the free-kick where he did - although he played down the suggestion post-match - and the Newcastle manager was certainly getting the better of Mourinho in this particular tactical battle. Samuel Eto'o, Willian and Andre Schurrle were all introduced from the bench by the Moscow Chelski FC boss and Eto'o appealed for a penalty when his shot was deflected wide via Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa's hand although a penalty award would have been ridiculously harsh given that the French defender was lying on the ground at the time that Eto'o toe-ended the ball at him from about two feet away. Willian also had a shot well saved by Tim Krul while Eto'o's follow-up was blocked by Mathieu Debuchy. The game looked up for Moscow Chelski FC when Eden Hazard dragged a shot wide from twelve yards out and so it proved as Remy scored his sixth goal of the season via the inside of the post deep into injury time following good work by Anita and substitute Gabriel Obertan. It sealed a superb second-half performance by the hosts, who move up to ninth in the league, while Mourinho, who has never won at St James' Park, saw his side drop, briefly, to third. Mourinho did not hold back in his criticism, questioning his team's title credentials, their attitude and their heart. He was disgusted by the lack of energy and aggression, alarmed by the manner in which his side were out-played in the second-half and irritated by the mentality of players who failed to appreciate how tough games at places like St James' Park can be. 'I didn't like my team today,' he foamed. 'I made eleven mistakes in picking the team. That is how I feel at the moment. Of course this is an exaggeration, we had some players who had normal performances, but I feel as though I made a mistake.'

But, as usual with Newcastle, every time there's a good news story to report, there's also a PR fiasco waiting just around the corner. According to a press report, risible clown Joe Kinnear thought that he had spotted a special talent on a scouting trip to Birmingham – only to be told he was ­already a Newcastle player, according to Alan Oliver in the Sunday People. The - alleged - director of football reportedly 'raved' to City chiefs about midfielder Shane Ferguson during the club's Capital One Cup tie against Swansea in September. But, when he asked about signing him, Brum bosses thought that he was winding them up – because Ferguson is currently on loan at St Andrews from Newcastle until the end of the season. Newcastle 'chiefs' (whoever they are) and manager yer actual Alan Pardew, were said 'not to be aware' of Kinnear’s ludicrous blunder. An alleged City 'source' snitched to the Sunday People Sport: 'Ferguson had a particularly good game that night and Joe Kinnear told one of our officials he was interested in signing him. At first our guy thought he was joking but then he realised Kinnear did not know Ferguson was already a Newcastle player.' The twenty two-year-old, who can play in midfield or at full-back, signed a five-year contract with Newcastle in 2011 and spent three months on loan at Birmingham last season. And, as Shaun Custis noted on Sky's Soccer Supplement on Sunday morning, it's not as if young Fergie is an unknown seventeen year old, he's played twenty odd times in the Premier League and is the sort of player whom, one would expect, the director of football at his club would know all about. If that director of football was anyone other than Joe Kinnear, that is. Blues boss and former Toon star Lee Clark agreed a deal in July to take the Northern Ireland international back on loan until the end of this season.

Elsewhere in the Premier League on Saturday, Sheikh Yer Man City put seven goals past a thoroughly woeful Norwich City and relegation-haunted Bunderland suffered their eighth defeat in ten Premier League games after Lee Cattermole and Andrea Dossena were both sent off for disgraceful tackles in the first half at Hull. Dirty Stoke goalkeeper Asmir Begovic scored a bizarre wind-assisted goal after only thirteen seconds but Jay Rodriguez earned Southampton a deserved point at a windswept Britannia Stadium and West Bromwich Albinos condemned managerless bottom placed Crystal Palace to a seventh successive league defeat as they withstood the visitors' second-half revival at the Hawthorns. The Scum gave Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance a damned good hiding at Craven Cottage whilst, in the day's late game, The Arse maintained a five point lead at the top of the league after beating Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws 2-0.

Disrespect

Poland legend Jan Tomaszewski says that Southampton keeper Artur Boruc cannot stop England reaching the World Cup. Inspired by Tomaszewski's goalkeeping, Poland famously held England to a draw forty years ago when - just like this week - the hosts needed a win to reach the finals. 'Artur is one of the best keepers in the world,' said Tomaszewski. 'But can he stop England on his own? No. I made mistakes in 1973, but my team-mates saved us. Our defence isn't so good now. Artur must rely on himself.' On his first visit to Wembley, Tomaszewski was famously dubbed a 'clown' during TV analysis by Brian Clough, but made a series of superb saves as Poland clinched a 1-1 draw which saw them qualify at England's expense. At the finals in West Germany the following year, Tomaszewski, then twenty six, saved two penalties and his nation beat Brazil in the third-place play-off in their joint-best showing in the tournament. Poland are no longer in contention to make the 2014 finals, but with top-class players in Borussia Dortmund duo Robert Lewandowski and captain Jakub Blaszczykowski, they still pose a threat as England bid for the victory that would guarantee a place in Brazil next summer - albeit, their record against England since 1973 is dreadful. Tomaszewski, now sixty five and a politician and broadcaster in Poland, will be at Tuesday's game and told BBC Sport: 'I wish there was more riding on it for Poland so it was a big game for both of us. But we still need to perform well at Wembley because we are building a team for Euro 2016. A good performance would really motivate us. There is no pressure on Poland and England will be very stressed because they have to win, otherwise their supporters won't forgive them. If England don't win, Poland will be famous again,' added Tomaszewski, who will be among about eighteen thousand Poles at Wembley on Tuesday. Boruc has been in fine form for Saints this season, keeping five clean sheets in seven Premier League games. In contrast, England keeper Joe Hart has been criticised after making some costly errors for Sheikh Yer Man City. But England manager Roy Hodgson stuck by Hart for Friday's crucial 4-1 win over Montenegro, and Tomaszewski is sure he will keep his place against Poland too. 'Joe Hart is a top keeper, and even the very best make the occasional mistake,' he said. 'The most important thing for England is that he knows the defenders who play in front of him. They trust him, and he trusts them. Putting a new goalkeeper in at this stage would be extremely risky. I think he will play well against Poland and I am convinced that, if England do go to Brazil, he will be one of the best goalkeepers at the tournament.'

Côte d'Ivoire took a large step towards qualifying for their third World Cup in a row by beating Senegal 3-1 in the opening leg of their play-off. A Didier Drogba penalty and an own goal from Lamine Sane gave the Elephants a commanding first-half lead. Salomon Kalou added a third in the second half but Papiss Demba Cisse pulled one back deep in stoppage time. The second leg will be played in Morocco next month, because Senegal are barred from playing matches at home. The ban results from their last competitive meeting with the Ivorians, who were leading an African Cup of Nations qualifier 6-2 on aggregate when rioting inside the Leopold Senghor Stadium forced the game's cancellation. If Senegalese fans found that scoreline hard to swallow, they would have been similarly unimpressed with their side in Abidjan as Drogba fired the home side into a fifth-minute lead. After Gervinho was fouled by Cheikh Kouyate, the talismanic striker sent Senegal goalkeeper Bouna Coundoul the wrong way from the spot. Worse was to come for the visitors just nine minutes later when Gervinho cut in from the flank and fired a shot that was helped in by a massive deflection off defender Lamine Sane, leaving Coundoul with no chance. And Ivorian players and fans might have started to permit themselves thoughts of Brazil as the Elephants went 3-0 up just minutes into the second half. Gervinho, who now plays at Roma after an underwhelming spell at The Arse, was involved again, breaking free from a crowd of players before teeing up Kalou, who took a touch before tucking home. Minutes later, it was the turn of reigning African Footballer of the Year Yaya Toure to try his luck but his effort was blocked out by some committed Senegalese defending. That could yet prove a crucial intervention because instead of being four goals down going into the second leg, Senegal will only trail by two after Cisse scored with the last kick of the match. In the ninety sixth minute the hosts failed to clear a corner, allowing the Newcastle striker to poach a goal which prompted the Ivorian players to collapse to the turf in frustration at the final whistle seconds later. If the late goal was disappointing for the hosts, so was the booking for Cisse's club colleague Cheick Tiote - a second caution of the qualifying campaign which rules him out of the away leg on 16 November. Even so Côte d'Ivoire , frequently described as the strongest side on the continent, take a healthy advantage into the game in Casablanca, where Senegal will need to deliver one of their best performances of recent years if they are to qualify for their first World Cup since reaching the quarter-finals in 2002. 'We showed today that we can be a team,' Kalou told BBC Sport. 'We scored early, which gave us the confidence to go forward and score more. I think it's a good victory. We can be positive about the next round because there is one more game to go, but we did one step and we have to fight to get the second one.'

The grumpy and odious ITV presenter, breakfast TV flop and greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles was at the centre of a Twitter storm on Friday night after making what some viewers considered to be 'potentially offensive' remarks about Polish supporters live on-air. Chiles, who has anchored ITV's coverage of England's World Cup qualifying 4-1 victory over Montenegro at Wembley - badly, as usual - was discussing Tuesday's final group game against Poland with the pundit and former England defender Lee Dixon. After Dixon said that he was sure Poland fans would be 'crying at the end' of Tuesday's game, Chiles added that he hoped they would not be too upset as 'I am trying to get some building work done at the moment.' Okay, it's a bit stereotypical and obvious but, as 'offensive' jokes go it's hardly Jim Davidson. And, this blogger says that as someone who - genuinely - loathes Chiles as both a broadcasters and a human being. Chiles had already called the game 'practically a home game' for Poland, referring to the large number of Poles currently living and working in and around London. And, you know, paying their taxes and getting on with life and contributing to British society far more than many British people. Just for a bit of context. England must beat Poland on Tuesday to be sure of automatically qualifying for the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil. In a statement, Chiles later said: 'I made the remark in relation to the nice Polish builders currently working at my place, who I knew would already be fed up having watched their team lose to Ukraine. No offence was intended – apart from anything else I could hardly be prouder of my own East European background. But to anyone who thought what I said constituted some kind of lazy stereotyping, and was offended by it, I certainly apologise.'

Hapless Harry Knobcheese has been accused of 'disrespecting' the England manager Roy Hodgson by former Football Association chairman David Bernstein. In his autobiography, Knobcheese claims that English football was being 'run by people who really haven't got a clue' after he lost out to Hodgson for the job of succeeding Fabio Capello in 2012. But Bernstein rejected the criticism and told BBC Sport that the timing of Knobcheese's comments - just a few days ahead of two key World Cup qualifiers for England - was both 'disrespectful' and 'unhelpful'. England, who top Group H, face Montenegro at Wembley on Friday and then Poland away on Tuesday and will secure a place at next year's World Cup in Brazil with two victories. 'To come out and effectively criticise a process and another manager - because that is what he did - at this particular time where we had two crucial international matches coming up was something that I thought someone like Harry would think better of,' said Bernstein, who stepped down from his FA role earlier this year. Knobcheese also wrote: 'Everyone said I was the people's choice, the only choice.' Although what he actually means by 'everyone' is a bunch of his friends in the London-based sports press and no one actually seems to have asked 'the people' if they agreed with their - alleged - 'choice.' Knobcheese went on to claim that: 'All the senior players seemed to be up for me to get the job. But the FA went for Roy Hodgson to be the England manager - a man who is more their cup of tea.' However, Bernstein insisted that the FA had done 'a very thorough job' when choosing Capello's successor in May last year and defended the four-man selection panel. That panel, chaired by Bernstein, also included Sir Trevor Brooking - a former team mate of Knobcheese at West Ham United and someone who, unlike Knobcheese, also played at an international level - FA general secretary Alex Horne and Adrian Bevington, managing director of Club England. 'First of all, it's quite simply inaccurate,' said Bernstein, addressing the Queens Park Strangers manager's claims that the FA was 'clueless.' He added: 'There were four people who made this decision. One of them was myself - and I've been involved with running Manchester City for ten years and chairman of that club for five years. [There was also] Sir Trevor Brooking, who has a lifetime in football; Adrian Bevington, who has huge football knowledge, amazing football knowledge and Alex Horne, the general secretary. We spoke to up to twenty people within the game: other managers, players, all sorts of people with great, great knowledge. I was very proud of the way we did it. It was done discreetly and professionally and I believe we ended up with the right choice.' When asked if Knobcheese was a contender for the job, Bernstein said: 'I won't answer that question.' So, that'd be a 'no' then.