E-I-E-I-E-I-O, Up The Premier League We Go

This blogger has made the following observation before, dear fiends - twice, in fact, here and here, but it bears repeating. Karma is, as we all know, a right bloody bitch, dear blog readers. And gloating is so common and unbecoming. Most of the time. With all that in mind, therefore, let us talk association football - not and never socher - which is a sport played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Dirty Leeds are one of them, two teams of nine. Or eight - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport on the planet. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something that girls play. The object is to score a goal by getting the ball into the opposing team's net and then stopping them from doing the same to your side. It's a game of two halves, Brian and, at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will emerge victorious and be Over The Moon whilst the other lot will be Sick As A Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves and as much injury time as needed for whomsoever the ref has got a tenner on at Ladbroke's to score the winner. Unless it's a draw, of course.

This blogger mentions all of this because, when this blogger's own favourite football team were founded, they had a different name, a different ground and extremely different shirts (and socks) to what we would subsequently become used to. They looked like this. And, The Married Women's Property Act received its royal assent, enabling women to buy, own and sell property. There are some who still think that was a bad idea. This blogger is not one of them.

When this blogger's favourite football team first gained entry into the equivalent of what is, now, the English Football League Championship (it was called 'The Second Division' in them days), they had changed their shirts (and socks) and looked like this. And, William Ewart Gladstone was the Prime Minister of Great Britain and her vast empire.

When this blogger's favourite football team first won promotion to the top flight of English football, they looked like this. And, at the Battle of Omdurman, British and Egyptian troops under the command of General Horatio Kitchener (he needed you) defeated Sudanese tribesmen led by Khalifa Abdullah al-Taashi.

When this blogger's favourite football team - for a period of about seven years - were the undisputed Finest Side In All The Land, Bar None (winning three league championships and an FA Cup), they looked like this. And, American-born Samuel Franklin Cody made the first powered fixed-wing aircraft flight in Britain, taking off from the School of Ballooning, Farnborough, in British Army Aeroplane Number One.

Then the war came along. And the Kaiser was defeated. When this blogger's favourite football team won the FA Cup for the second time (the first at Wembley Stadium which had only opened the year before) they looked like this. And, George Mallory and Andrew Irvine attempted to climb Mount Everest. Which it cost both of them their lives.

When this blogger's favourite football team won the First Division championship for the fourth (and, to date, last) time, they looked like this. And, the London and North Eastern Railway's Flying Scotsman steam-hauled express began to run non-stop the three hundred and ninety miles of the East Coast Main Line from King's Cross to Edinburgh.

When this blogger's favourite football team won the FA Cup for the third time, they looked like this. And, billionaire chocolateer Forrest Mars produced the first Mars Bar™ at his Slough factory.

Having then got themselves relegated for the first time, this blogger's favourite football team spent fifteen years down among the also-rans of the second tier. (Admittedly, this period did include all of World War II during which time football wasn't, exactly, the first thing on most people's minds.)

The next occasion that this blogger's favourite football team won promotion back to the First Division - despite having found it necessary to sell Albert Stubbins, Tommy Pearson, Charlie Wayman, Roy Bentley and Len Shackelton in just a few months - they looked like this. And, the London Co-operative Society opened Britain's first supermarket, in Manor Park, London.

The fourth and the fifth occasions that this blogger's favourite football team won the FA Cup took place in a twelve month period during which Britain changed monarchs and Sooty first appeared on BBC Television.

The sixth (and, to date, final) time that this blogger's favourite football team won the FA Cup, Winston Churchill resigned as Prime Minister due to ill-health at the age of eighty and was replaced by Anthony Eden (who wasn't all that much younger, to be fair).

But, thirteen years of, broadly successful, top flight football came to an end with yet another disastrous relegation. Caused, perhaps, by this blogger's favourite football team deciding to change their socks and look like this. And, The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) performed under that name at The Cavern Club in Matthew Street, Liverpool for the first time following their return from their first residency in Hamburg.

The next time this blogger's favourite football team won promotion back to the First Division (having changed their socks yet again), they looked like this. William Hartnell was The Doctor and the British Railways Board's chairman, Richard Beeching, published The Development Of The Major Trunk Routes proposing which lines should receive investment. And which, by implication, should most definitely not.

The last time this blogger's favourite football team won a major trophy (the Inter-City Fairs Cup), they looked like this. Patrick Troughton was The Doctor and The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) performed together in public for the final time, on the rooftop of Apple Records HQ in London.

Although, technically, one could regard the blogger's favourite football team winning The Anglo-Italian Cup when looking likethis as worthy of an ever-so-brief mention.

Or, indeed, winning The Texaco Cup. Twice. The latter whilst looking like this.

On the next occasion that this bloger's favourite football team reached the final of a domestic cup competition (and got a right howking off Liverpool - perhaps due to changing their socks yet again) they loked like this. Jon Pertwee was The Doctor and Great Britain was subject to two general erections in an eight months period. Neither of which was won by the Tories.

The first time that this blogger's favourite football team reached the final of The League Cup (and, lost again), they looked like this. Ton Baker was The Doctor and the UK won The Eurovision Song Contest for the third time with 'Save Your Kisses for Me' by Brotherhood of Man.

Another, largely self-inflicted and thoroughly depressing relegation campaign followed soon afterwards. The next time this blogger's favourite football team won promotion, they looked like this. Peter Davison was The Doctor and comedian and national treasure Tommy Cooper collapsed and died on-stage from a heart attack during the television show Live from Her Majesty's.

The good times didn't last long, however and five years later this blogger's favourite football team found themselves back in the Second Division (and, in serious financial trouble due in no small part to them having signed far too many ridiculously overpaid, lazy waste-of-space gutless cowards). But, a quasi-revolution was about to be sparked thanks to the acquisition of a talismanic leader. Therefore, the next time this blogger's favourite football team won promotion, they looked like this. And Doctor Who was a TV programme that the BBC used to make.

An exciting decade followed with five top four finishes in the Premier League (including twice as runner-up), a couple of thrilling European adventures and two appearances in the FA Cup final (albeit, on both occasions the team turned up but then forgot to actually play). The next two occasions that this blogger's favourite football team appeared in - back-to-back - Wembley finals, they looked like this. Paul McGann had recently been The Doctor but, once again, the franchise was resembling a Norwegian Blue parrot. And, The Good Friday Agreement was signed.

The last time that this blogger's favourite football team played in the Champions League they looked like this. Two members of the current Match of The Day analysis panel were playing for them. And, Doctor Who was now a series of books being published by the BBC (including four written or co-written by this blogger. Two of which are all right).

Then, Sir Bobby Robson got sacked and everything went to Hell in a handcart. Although, to be fair to his replacement, Graeme Sourpuss, he did deliver the much-prized UEFA Intertoto Cup, when this blogger's favourite football team looked like this. Christopher Eccleston was The Doctor and campaigners from Fathers-4-Justice invaded the set of The National Lottery. With hilarious consequences.

A period of calamitious and crass mismanagement at boardroom level resulted in yet another relegation. When David Tennant was The Doctor (so, it wasn't all bad news). Nevertheless, Th' Toon bounced back at the first time of asking, whilst looking like this. Matt Smith was The Doctor. And, a general erection resulted in the first well-hung parliament since the 1930s.

Developing, thence, a reputation for being up-and-down more often than the knickers of some of the lasses doon Th' Bigg Market, this blogger's favourite football team slithered to another disgracefully incompetent and cowardly relegation. But, thanks to the hiring of - for the first time in a while - a manager who vaguely knew what the Hell he was doing, they won another promotion at the first attempt whilst looking like this. Peter Capaldi was The Doctor and an online petition to stop US President Rump's UK state visit gathered more than 1.8 million signatures. But, being someone who can't take a hint, he came anyway.

Then, Ashley got his fat arse bought out of our club by some people who appeared to actually have a decent idea of how to actual run a piss up in a brewery (much to the pitious whinging of some Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star types, which made it even funnier). Eddie Howe was appointed manager and gave players, whom his predecessor as manager (nasty to see him, to see him nasty) couldn't get much out of, some belief in their own abilities. And now, this blogger's favourite football team look like this. And, his beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies are back in the Champions League for the first time in two decades. Which is nice.

Wor Geet Canny Eddie's black-and-white-army did it the hard way, admittedly, sharing a goaless draw with relegation-haunted Leicester City at a nervous, edgy St James' Park. The Magpies hit the woodwork three times and had almost ninety per cent of possession in the game but struggled to break down Leicester's back ten. And then, deep, deep into five minutes of injury time, The Foxes almost snatched a winner with their first shot on goal all night. Thankfully, Nick The Pope made his latest outstanding contribution to a season full of outstanding contributions, saving point-blank from Timothy Castagne's acrobatic effort. Then the whistle blew and the gaff went totally off-it with a mixture of relief and celebration!

It was quite a sight.

It was the 2002-03 season, under the guidance of Sir Bobby Robson, that The Magpies last played in Europe's elite club competition. Howe's men will be back in the big time following a tremendous first full season in charge in which the ex-Bournemouth boss has upset the established order with a place in the top four, as well as taking Th' Toon to the Carabao Cup final. It has been a remarkable turnaround since Howe took charge eighteen months ago, one month after the three hundred million knicker takeover of Newcastle and with the club at the time five points from safety at the foot of the Premier League.

Tell me ma, me ma, dear blog readers, I won't be home fer tea ...

A Week In The Life Of This Blogger's Beloved Magpies

This blogger's general disposition was, somewhat, improved by a trio of fine victories achieved by his beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies in the Premiership this week. Firstly a highly entertaining six-one thrashing of The Stottingtot Hotshots which included Th' Bonny Toon being five-nil up at St James' Park after but twenty minutes. All of which malarkey produced, shall we call it an 'emotional' reaction from several rather vocal Spurs vodcaters. Do not watch the latter, dear blog reader, if you are either a) easily offended by strong language or b) if you have a mouthful of a tasty beverage of your choice and you don't want to spit it all over your laptop. Swear down, blud.

Then four days later, on Thursday, there was an equally emphatic four-one win for the black and whites at Goodison Park. In which the relegation-haunted Toffees got munched somewhat. Needless to say, Blues TV was aptly named that particular evening.

On Sunday, United recorded their third win of the week, coming from behind to beat relegation-haunted Southampton three-one at Gallowgate. Callum Wilson scored twice to take his goal tally for the season to fifteen.

So why, you may be wondering, are The Magpies playing so well of late? This blogger certainly is (being a lifelong United fan and, therefore, used to severe disappointment on a regular basis). FourFourTwo's Adam Cleary offers a couple of rather compelling arguments for just why Steady Eddie Howe and his team are proving to be such a surprise package this season in two fine videos. Which you can check out here and here. Yeah. What he said.

Still on the subject of yer actual fitba, Jeff Stelling has announced he will leave Sky Sports' flagship Soccer Saturday next month. Again. Jeff has hosted the programme for more than twenty five years and, initially, said that he would step down at the end of last season, only to go on for another year. The sixty eight-year-old's final show will be on Sunday 28 May - the last day of the 2022-23 Premier League campaign. 'He will be sorely missed,' said Sky Sports director of football Gary Hughes. 'Jeff has been synonymous with Saturday afternoon football for decades, exciting and enthusing football fans everywhere. His unique broadcasting ability and passion for the game has made Soccer Saturday an unmissable fixture for fans and has won him a multitude of awards.' Stelling, who revealed his decision to step aside live on-air during Saturday's programme, is leaving the Sky company as well as the show. 'It is groundhog day, it is that time of the year, every year, where I announce I am leaving Sky Sports and Soccer Saturday,' he said bvfore geting a round of applause from his Soccer Saturday colleagues Paul Merson, Clinton Morrison, Kris Boyd, Michael Dawson and Sue Smith.

And now, dear blog reader, a new semi-regular From The North feature, Things That Keith Telly Topping Had Forgotten But Then Remembered As Part Of A Bid To Stave Off The Onset Of Dementia. Number One: The name of Hot Shot Hamish's pet sheep was ... McMutton.

Sexy Football

Something of an age-old truism, dear blog reader, is 'what a difference a year makes.' Particularly in the case of this blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies once the new owners decided to put someone vaguely competent in charge of first team affairs. Now, why didn't someone think of that sooner, one wonders?

That absolute twenty four carat fraud Mister Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him nasty) has been in the media a lot over the last week, doing his usual trick of making big, almost completely unsubstantiated, claims about his distinctly average, journeyman managerial career of twenty five years and no trophies; see, for instance, here and here and here. Just a couple of weeks ago he was also, reportedly, according to unnamed (and, therefore almost certainly fictitious) 'sources', briefly in-line for another job. That was before the club in question, showed some common sense and wisely opted to appoint David Wagner instead. Before that, however, we had the thigh-slappingly hilarious Norwich City Fans Now Living In Fear As Steve Bruce Tipped To Fill Managerial Vacancy headline in The Mag. Meanwhile, the Daily Scum Mail has claimed that Steve Bruce Is Set To Retire From Management Following A Twenty Five-Year Career That Has Seen Him Take Charge Of Eleven Clubs. This blogger feels this suggestion will come as a considerable surprise to supporters of, let's see, Sheffield United, Huddersfield Town, Crystal Palace, The Mackem Filth, Aston Villains, Sheffield Wednesday, this blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Newcastle United and, most recently, West Bromwich Albinos. All of whom, it could be argued, believed that Mister Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him nasty) had already retired whilst he was supposed to be (mis)managing them.

Meanwhile, the second-to-most-recent club that Mister Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him nasty) left in such utter, abject chaos a mere fourteen months ago don't seem to be doing too badly without him.

And, neither do West Brom, for that matter!

Gary Lineker had to summon every ounce of professionalism as the BBC's live coverage of the FA Cup clash between Wolverhampton Wanderings and the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws was disrupted, apparently, by noises of The Sex. The BBC presenter was previewing the Third-Round replay in a studio at Molineux alongside pundits Paul Ince and Danny Murphy when 'awkward and audible pornographic wails' broke out in the background. Lineker looked 'momentarily startled' by what was happening and struggled to keep a straight face as he cut to Wor Geet Canny Alan Shearer who was up in the commentary gantry. Big Al added: 'See what happens when I leave the studio? Chaos!' But Lineker pressed on, laughing off the incident as the sexy noise continued. 'Somebody's sending something on someone's phone, I think. I don't know whether you heard it at home.' Oh yes we did, Gary!

Needless to say, the incident did not go unnoticed on social media. This was the best one - by about a million miles!

The BBC subsequently apologised to viewers for the incident though, why they did that when they, themselves, had been the victims of this prank, is unknown. Gary later appeared on Newsnight to speak about the prank and said, rightly, that the BBC have nothing to be sorry for. 'If you told me this morning that, tonight, I'd be on Newsnight talking about a porn scandal. I would have been terrified!' 'YouTube prankster' (for which read, some plank you've never heard of) Daniel Jarvis has claimed responsibility for the stunt. Jarvis has previous at being a glake, apparently. He was handed a suspended sentence last October after being convicted of aggravated trespass over an incident in which he collided with England cricketer Jonny Bairstow while invading the Oval pitch during a test match. He was given an eight-week prison sentence suspended for two years and was banned from attending any venue where a sporting fixture is being held in England and Wales for two years. He was also banned from travelling abroad for twelve months and made subject to a rehabilitation activity requirement. Well, that seems to have worked.

Over on BT Sport, in the mean time, there was an intriguing clash. This blogger's money was, most definitely. on the Live Wolves emerging victorious from that particular match-up. Especially as Everton are playing like a bunch of girls at the moment.

O Rei Está Morto

Brazilian football legend Pelé, arguably the greatest player ever, has died at the age of eighty two. He is credited with scoring a world record twelve hundred and eighty one goals in thirteen hundred and sixty three appearances during a twenty one-year career, including seventy seven goals in ninety two matches for his country. A few of them were a bit good. The only player to win the World Cup three times, being part of the Brazil squads when they won the trophy in 1958, 1962 and 1970 (although he missed the 1962 final through injury), Pelé was named as FIFA's Player of the Century in 2000. He had been suffering with kidney and prostate problems in recent years. Pelé had surgery to remove a tumour from his colon in September 2021 at the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo, after the tumour was detected during routine tests. He was readmitted to hospital in late November 2022. His daughter Kely Nascimento has kept fans updated on her father's condition with regular social media updates from hospital. On Thursday she posted a picture of what appeared to be Pelé's family's hands on his body in hospital and wrote: 'Everything we are is thanks to you. We love you infinitely. Rest in peace.' Pelé was born Edson Arantes do Nascimento in October 1940, in Três Corações, Minas Gerais, the son of Fluminense footballer Dondinho (João Ramos do Nascimento) and Celeste Arantes. He grew up in poverty in Bauru, São Paulo and earned money for his family by working in tea shops. Taught to play by his father, he could not afford a proper football and usually played with either a sock stuffed with newspaper and tied with string, or a grapefruit. He made his debut for Santos FC in 1956 and was in the national side a year later as a seventeen year old. After the 1958 and 1962 World Cups, wealthy European clubs, such as Real Madrid, Juventus and The Scum, tried to sign him. In 1958, Inter Milan even managed to do so, but Angelo Moratti was forced to tear the contract up at the request of Santos' chairman following a revolt by Santos' fans. He would remain at Santos until 1974. He then came out of retirement and enjoyed three seasons - and celebrity status - playing for New York Cosmos in the late 1970s. He also appeared in Escape To Victory (1981) but we can probably forgive him for that. In 1970, Pelé was investigated by Brazil's military dictatorship for suspected leftist sympathies. Declassified documents showed Pelé was investigated after being handed a manifesto calling for the release of political prisoners. Pelé did not get further involved with political struggles in the country after that. Among the most successful and popular sporting figures of the Twentieth Century, Pelé was one of the most lauded players in the history of football and was frequently ranked as the best player ever. Following his emergence at the 1958 World Cup he was nicknamed O Rei ('The King'). Among his contemporaries, Dutch star Johan Cruyff (in this blogger's opinion, the only player who could push Pelé close to the title of the world's greatest player) stated, 'Pelé was the only footballer who surpassed the boundaries of logic.' Brazil's 1970 World Cup-winning captain, Carlos Alberto opined: 'His great secret was improvisation. Those things he did were in one moment. He had an extraordinary perception of the game.' According to Tostão, his strike partner at the 1970 World Cup: 'Pelé was the greatest - he was simply flawless. And off the pitch he is always smiling and upbeat. You never see him bad-tempered. He loves being Pelé.' Another Brazil teammate, Clodoaldo, commented on the adulation he witnessed: 'In some countries they wanted to touch him, in some they wanted to kiss him. In others they even kissed the ground he walked on. I thought it was beautiful.' According to Franz Beckenbauer, West Germany's 1974 World Cup-winning captain: Pelé was 'the greatest player of all time. He reigned supreme for twenty years. There's no one to compare with him.' Former Real Madrid and Hungary star Ferenc Puskás stated: 'The greatest player in history was [Alberto] Di Stéfano. I refuse to classify Pelé as a player. He was above that.' Just Fontaine, French striker and leading scorer at the 1958 World Cup said 'When I saw Pelé play, it made me feel I should hang up my boots.' England's Bobby Moore commented: 'Pelé was the most complete player I've ever seen, he had everything. Two good feet. Magic in the air. Quick. Powerful. Could beat people with skill. Could outrun people. Only five feet and eight inches tall, yet he seemed a giant of an athlete on the pitch. Perfect balance and impossible vision. He was the greatest because he could do anything and everything on a football pitch. I remember Saldanha the coach being asked by a Brazilian journalist who was the best goalkeeper in his squad. He said Pelé. The man could play in any position.' Sir Bobby Charlton added: 'I sometimes feel as though football was invented for this magical player.' During the 1970 World Cup, when Paddy Crerand (who was part of the ITV panel) was asked, 'How do you spell Pelé?', he replied, Easy: 'G-O-D.' Pelé was also known to be a fair player, who stood out for his charismatic leadership and sportsmanship on the pitch. His warm embrace of Bobby Moore following the Brazil's narrow victory over England at the 1970 World Cup is viewed as the embodiment of sportsmanship, with the New York Times stating the image 'captured the respect that two great players had for each other. As they exchanged jerseys, touches and looks, the sportsmanship between them is all in the image. No gloating, no fist-pumping from Pelé. No despair, no defeatism from Bobby Moore.' In his early career, he played in a variety of attacking positions. Although he usually operated as a centre forward, his wide range of skills also allowed him to play in a more withdrawn role. In his later career, he took on more of a deeper playmaking role behind the strikers, often functioning as, effectively, an attacking midfielder. Pelé's unique playing style combined speed, creativity and technical skill with physical power, stamina and athleticism. His excellent technique, balance, flair, agility and dribbling skills enabled him to beat opponents with the ball and frequently saw him use sudden changes of direction and elaborate feints in order to get past players. It's a largely forgotten football fact that Pelé even once played against this blogger's beloved Magpies. The game came when Newcastle embarked on a four-match tour of the Far East. The date was 4 June 1972 at the Happy Valley stadium in Hong Kong and the match was between United and Santos. Pelé, was then thirty one and the game came two years after Brazil's triumph in Mexico and a year after he had retired from international football, but the man in the number ten shirt could still pack a mighty punch. Former Toon full-back Frankie Clark recalled the game: 'We were two-one up at half-time. We were the better team before the break, but it was a different matter after half-time. Pelé suddenly decided to turn it on. He scored three fantastic goals in about fifteen minutes. After that, he went off .. we lost four-two but it was a great experience being on the same pitch as the world's best player.' Presenting Pelé with the Laureus Lifetime Achievement Award, former South African president Nelson Mandela said, 'To watch him play was to watch the delight of a child combined with the extraordinary grace of a man in full.' Andy Warhol (who painted a portrait of Pelé) said 'Pelé was one of the few who contradicted my theory: instead of fifteen minutes of fame, he will have fifteen centuries.' After retirement he became a global ambassador for the game and a UNESCO goodwill ambassador. He dabbled, briefly, in politics (he was Brazil's minister of sport for two years in the 1990s). He assisted Rio's bid for the 2016 Olympics and supported various charitable causes, such as Action for Brazil's Children, Gols Pela Vida, SOS Children's Villages, The Littlest Lamb, Prince's Rainforests Project and others. Married three times, he fathered seven children.

'It's funny what a difference in sport a year can make'. This blogger's beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies cruised past Leicester City with three first-half goals to claim a sixth consecutive Premier League win and move up to second in the table in the Boxing Day clash. Just to remind anyone that may have forgotten, on the day after Boxing Day 2021, The Magpies drew one-all with The Scum at St James' Park and, after nineteen matches they sat second bottom of The Premier League with but eleven points and only one win and with relegation to The Championship looking a racing certainty. Things have improved, somewhat, since then. Chris Wood kick-started a dominant performance by smashing the opener from the penalty spot before Miguel Almirón glided past the Leicester defence to tuck away the second. Joelinton headed the third from a Kieran Trippier corner for his second goal of the season as The Magpies demonstrated the clinical edge that the hosts were missing. With England midfielder James Maddison out of the Leicester squad, as he continued to recover from a knee issue sustained before the World Cup, Brendan Rodgers' side were toothless in attack and dodgy in defence. Jamie Vardy (you know, Rebekah's husband) was introduced off the bench to add pace to The Foxes' attack in the second half and he managed to get in down the side on a couple of occasions but there was no blue shirt to meet his crosses. The Magpies are four points behind leaders The Arse, who have played two fewer games. Leicester - who registered just two tame efforts on target in the final ten minutes - remain thirteenth. Newcastle were the form team in the Premier League before the World Cup break, having recorded successive wins over Everton, Stottingtot Hotshots, Aston Villains, Southampton and The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC. England forward Callum Wilson was missing from the matchday squad because of illness, but the match could not have started better for the visitors as Joelinton was brought down inside the area by a swipe of Daniel Amartey's leg with only a minute on the clock. Wood drilled the ball down the middle to beat goalkeeper Danny Ward and open the scoring. Leicester's defence lacked an intensity in the absence of the experienced Jonny Evans, and Almirón was the beneficiary for the second as he glided past the blue shirts after a sweeping move involving Trippier and Bruno Guimarães to open up his body and find the far corner with a finish he practised so diligently in the warm-up. The game was over as a contest before the interval when Joelinton was rewarded for his endeavour with a powerful headed goal as he completely lost marker Youri Tielemans. Leicester failed to produced their first shot on target until the eighty second minute, with Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall's tame effort failing to trouble goalkeeper Nick Pope. The hosts will be hoping for playmaker Maddison to return from his knee injury quickly as they seek to move up the table in the weeks ahead. Th' Toon's next game is at home to Dirty Leeds United on New Year's Eve.

Too Much Pressure

England will meet France in the World Cup Quarter-Finals on Saturday after an impressive demolition of Senegal at Al Bayt Stadium. Gareth Southgate's side survived a nervy opening in which goalkeeper Jordan Pickford made an outstanding save from Boulaye Dia to run out convincing winners with a powerful display of attacking strength. Jude Bellingham was England's star man, setting up the first goal for Jordan Henderson with a perfect cross after thirty eight minutes then having a hand in the second on the stroke of half-time, combining with Phil Foden as captain Harry Kane powered home his first of the tournament. It left Kane just one behind Wayne Rooney's all-time record of fifty three England goals and he now has the perfect stage here in Qatar to write a fresh page in the history books. Foden was the creator once more as England wrapped the game up in the fifty seventh minute, crossing for Bukayo Saka to show great awareness and touch to flick a delicate finish past Senegal goalkeeper Edouard Mendy. It capped the perfect night for coach Southgate, who opted to restore Saka and keep faith with Foden, leaving out Marcus Rashford despite his two goals in the win over Wales. Raheem Sterling was not considered as he dealt with 'a family matter.'

With twenty minutes to go and England's winning three-nil, this blogger was absolutely burstin' for a wee-wee. But, he was too nervous to leave The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House armchair and go to the lavvy in case England concede four goals whilst he was away. Stranger things have happened. Despite the potential damage to his kidneys, he held on till the final whistle. The relief was immense (and, this blogger isn't talking about the result).

Over The Line Or Over Ze Hill?

Did the ball cross the line, dear blog reader? That is the age-old World Cup question for Ze Chermans, who crashed out of The World Cup as Japan beat Spain thanks to an opinion-dividing winner which left some scratching their heads. Kaoru Mitoma's cutback for Ao Tanaka's tap-in happened after the ball looked (from some camera angles, at least) to have crossed the byeline. Even after cropping and zooming in on the footage, it looked incredibly close. Eventually it was ruled that the ball had not fully crossed the line. In other words, if you drew an imaginary line upwards at ninety degrees from the far edge of the whitewash, it would have still passed through the curve of the ball - albeit only just - even though the part of the ball that touched the ground had fully crossed the line. The goal was initially ruled out by the assistant referee after a long pause, then the video assistant referee intervened and ultimately Japan's lead would stand - and they would go on to win.

Notoriously cowardly appeasers of fascists and dictators FIFA said on Friday that 'the video match officials used the goalline camera images to check if the ball was still partially on the line.' It added: 'Other cameras may offer misleading images but on the evidence available, the whole of the ball was not out of play.' 'I have seen a photo that must have been tampered with, it cannot be that this photo is real. It has to be manipulated,' claimed Spain coach Luis Enrique. 'I felt that something fishy was going on when the VAR took as much time as it did to decide.' He added that this was, clearly, a massive conspiracy involving The CIA and The Rand Corporation. And The Saucer People. And The Reverse Vampires. Probably. There was definitely something suspicious going on up at The Grassy Knoll he added. 'Luckily, the team only goes into collapse mode once every four years, otherwise I wouldn't be able to cope.' The controversy evoked memories of Frank Lampard's 'ghost goal' against Germany in 2010, when England went out in the last sixteen and - no doubt for German fans of a certain vintage - of 1966 (and all that) and Geoff Hurst's extra-time effort when England won the World Cup. Which was over the line and was correctly awarded. 

It was a frantic and thrilling Thursday evening which began with Belgium, the side ranked second in the world, being eliminated after a goalless draw with Croatia in Group F. And, halfway through the second-half of the late games, both Germany and the 2010 winners Spain were, for about three minutes, both set for an early flight home. At the break Germany had a comfortable one-nil lead over Costa Rica, with Spain also winning as both European sides seemed to be cruising into the last sixteen. Then the drama unfolded rapidly. Japan levelled against Spain four minutes into the second period. Then, incredibly, a mere one hundred and forty seconds later, they were in front. Japan and Spain, despite trailing, were heading through. With just under forty minutes to go Germany and Costa Rica were going out. 'The Japan fans around me can barely believe their eyes,' said BBC Sport's Chris Bevan. 'An incredible turnaround from their team, with the added drama of a long VAR delay.' Defeat for Spain wasn't a disaster, unless Costa Rica - then trailing to Germany - took the lead. But then, Costa Rica equalised in the fifty eighth minute and, twelve minutes later, they did go ahead. Costa Rica were suddenly set to advance with Japan at Spain's expense. However, that lead lasted for only four minutes before Kai Havertz levelled for Germany.

If Germany thought the reaction to their elimination at the 2018 World Cup in Russia was bad, wait until they see the headlines back home this time around. Despite their eventual four-two win over Costa Rica, Hansi Flick's side were eliminated in the group stages for the second successive World Cup as Japan topped the group following their two-one victory against second-placed Spain. For the four-time winners Germany, whose most recent triumph was in Brazil only eight years ago, it has been a steep and chastening decline. And, you know, feking funny. The German press, former players and pundits have all had their say on the nation's World Cup exit - and the future of manager Herr Flick with Germany set to host Euro 2024. Although it is to their great credit that, on this occasion, the Germans resisted the overwhelming temptation to invade Poland. Good on ya, Germany, you're an inspiration to us all. The BBC's Berlin correspondent Jenny Hill says 'frustration and fury best sum up the mood in Germany' with the 'sense of humiliation widespread.' So, now they know how the rest of us frequently feel after World Cup disaster. Over here, it's a regular occurrence. German newspaper Bild did not hold back in their criticism of the team's performance, labelling the side 'a soccer dwarf.' Which is a bit insulting. To dwarves. They go on to suggest 'nobody' in the Germany camp - from the players to the coaching staff - can be considered world class and have marked 1 December as 'the end of a once great and proud soccer nation.' Die Welt, meanwhile, said German football has hit 'rock bottom' and 'must stop lying to itself,' citing the need for 'fundamental change' to improve results. Suddeutsche Zeitung led with the headline 'the result that fits the big mess', while Faz says the return to the top of world football is 'just an illusion for Germany.' Elsewhere, Kicker.de said 'only a nine-two' result would have helped a Germany side who have 'failed again' and Der Spiegel has started an inquest into the reasons behind the nation's piss-poor performance, labelling the people behind it as 'stubborn.' Schadenfreude is a German word, isn't it? Just checking. The criticism of Germany from former players and pundits started mere minutes after the final whistle blew in Al Khor to confirm their exit. Former captain Bastian Schweinsteiger, who played one hundred and twenty one times for Germany, said that the blame lies with the players. 'Hansi didn't do that much wrong,' he told German broadcaster Ard. 'I'm really disappointed and shocked at how it went. The appearance of the national team is not enough. We invited the opponent. The fundamental problem is that we often invite the opponent.' Herr Flick vehemently disagreed with Schweinsteiger, calling his analysis 'absolute nonsense. There are so many reasons [for Germany's exit], but I am not looking to find excuses,' he added. 'We did not have a lot of time to train, but it is not down to that. We fulfilled our duty today and went off the pitch with a victory, but the result could have been better.' That's Herr Flick, not looking to find excuses, there. Ex-Germany midfielder Sami Khedira was critical of Herr Flick, telling Ard the manager 'got bogged down a bit with the line-up' by playing Bayern München's Joshua Kimmich at right-back instead of central midfield. However, Khedira did back Flick to stay on as Germany manager. 'Kimmich wants to be in the middle and Leon Goretzka is not a connection player - Flick gambled a bit on that,' he said. 'But [Flick] has already proven [his credentials] at Bayern. He's very clear, has a great team and a good game idea. He's strict, but at the same time a people catcher. I'd like Hansi to stay.'

German Football Association president Oberst-Gruppenführer Bernd Neuendorf said that a meeting will be held next week with Flick and technical director Oliver Bierhoff to identify the reasons behind Germany's World Cup failure, while looking ahead to Euro 2024. 'You can imagine that today there is deep disappointment,' said Neuendorf. 'This elimination is extremely painful. But we have to look ahead and so we will lead a process on how to deal with this. I am a strong supporter of clear processes and expect to hold these talks with respect and in private. We are taking the first step before the second step.' Former Germany striker and BBC pundit Jürgen Klinsmann likened the reaction in Germany to that of the English press when England regularly fail at major tournaments. And, again, with the schadenfreude. Which is, very definitely, not up Germany's collective Straßenbahn. 'The next couple of days will be very, very harsh and difficult because it's pretty much the third disappointment in a row,' he added. 'You can imagine if England leave in the group stage, what the media will do in England. It's similar to this in Germany.' Only, you know much, much funnier. Herr Klinsmann, who was a World Cup-winner with Germany in 1990, suggests that their failure to convert chances played a big part in their World Cup exit. No shit? So what Jürgen is, essentially, saying here is if they'd scored more goals, they would've won more matches. Flawless logic, you have to admit. 'That is definitely an on-the-pitch issue, that they didn't utilise the chances against Japan, they should have got the second goal far before Japan got back in the game. They've had a strong performance with Spain,' he said. Vorsprung durch Technik, guys, it's the way forward. Despite the side's disappointing performance in Qatar, Klinsmann added that there is hope for the future - especially in nineteen-year-old Bayern München midfielder Jamal Musiala. 'I think there's a lot of talent in that squad and they haven't found their high years yet,' he said. 'We have one wonder child, there's no doubt about it, in terms of performances in Musiala - he is an exceptional, exceptional player. There is a lot of talent, they can build things fairly quickly towards the Euros.'

A tearful Romelu Lukaku punched the side of the dugout - really hard - and had to be consoled as he sat with his shirt pulled over his head after the goalless draw with Croatia. It was clearly an outpouring of frustration for his role in Belgium's early exit from the World Cup. But perhaps it was also frustration at what feels like an end of an era for Belgium's 'golden generation'. Golden generation? Golden shower, more like. Belgium's failure is merely but the latest disappointment for a talented set of players who have repeatedly underwhelmed when it really mattered on the world stage. Manager Roberto Martinez hugged his players individually at full-time in what he later confirmed was his 'farewell' at the expiry of his contract. During his six years in charge, Martinez has had a squad packed full of superstars such as Sheikh Yer Man City's Kevin de Bruyne, Real Madrid's Eden Hazard and Thibaut Courtois and on-loan Inter Milan striker Lukaku. And yet they never reached a major final despite being ranked world number one from September 2018 to March 2022. Their highest finish was third at the World Cup in 2018. Belgium's starting XI had an average age of thirty one years and ninety five days against Croatia - the oldest for any side at a World Cup since 2010. Is this the end of a golden era for Belgian football? 'No, you've got players like Amadou Onana and Jeremy Doku. The "golden generation" is doing something to bring the next generation on,' claimed Martinez. One or two people even believed him. 'It's not necessarily what happens on the pitch. The legacy can be left in many ways. Now the standards need to carry on rising and the young players need to carry on this line.' Belgium's chance felt like it came in Russia four years ago. After impressively beating Brazil in the quarter-finals, they lost to eventual world champions France in the last four, conceding the only goal from a corner after dominating possession. It was progress from reaching the quarter-finals in 2014 and at the 2016 European Championship. But time was starting to run out last year when Belgium again failed to go beyond the quarter-finals at the delayed Euro 2020 and they headed to Qatar with an ageing squad. De Bruyne and Hazard are now both thirty one, while centre-back pairing Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld are thirty five and thirty three respectively. De Bruyne said earlier this week the squad was 'too old' to seriously consider winning this World Cup and it led to reports of unrest within the squad. Despite failing to reach the knockout stages, Martinez said 'there was no regrets' and Belgium can 'leave with our heads held high. We wanted to get through but I'm sure the other national teams wanted to get through and that's the tournament,' he told the BBC. 'In the previous World Cup we won three games in the group stage, we wanted to go all the way.' Belgium's tournament never really got going in Qatar. They only won one of their three group matches (and that was a fortunate one-nil victory over Canada who, for large sections of the game appeared the better side), scored just once and lost in a tame performance against eventual group winners Morocco. 'The first few games we were fearful and not the team we are. We listened to noise from outside and felt responsibility. We played thinking we could lose and be out and that's what cost us,' claimed Martinez. 'I felt if we had gone through then we would have seen the real Belgium.'

In a World Cup of numerous surprises, another one came on Friday when Hwang Hee-Chan gave South Korea a sensational injury-time victory over Portugal which meant that they edged out Uruguay to a last-sixteen place on goals scored. Hwang ran onto Son Heung-Min's defence-splitting pass in the ninety first minute to round off a rapid counter attack and start wild celebrations from his side's fans in the stands. South Korea had needed to win to stand any chance of joining Portugal in the knockout stage, but even following the final whistle, their progress was not secured. On the pitch and in the stands, players and supporters watched the final moments of Uruguay's game with Ghana, knowing another goal for the South American side would send them out. When that two-nil win was confirmed, a huge roar went around Education City Stadium, and South Korea were able to start the party for real. Meanwhile, there was a geet rive-on at the Al Janoub Stadium where the Uruguayans were getting all stroppy and discombobulated after the German referee, Herr Siebert, didn't award a late penalty for what appeared to be a foul on Edison Cavani. Television pictures focused on a blubbing-like-a-girl Luis Suárez sitting, disconsolately, on the bench having earlier been substituted. So, that was worth the licence fee all on its own.

Netherlands coach, sour-faced Louis van Gaal, says that the criticism of his team will not distract them from trying to win the World Cup. The Dutch beat Senegal and Qatar two-nil and drew with Ecuador in the group stages, but some have accused them of not being attacking enough. Van Gaal's side play the United States in the last sixteen on Saturday. 'In 2014 it was exactly the same, it was not different. It was very negative,' said Van Gaal. 'But, exact same thing now, same old, so I'm used to it and I think my players are also used to it. We're going to calmly continue on the path that we've embarked on.' Under Van Gaal, the Dutch lost to Argentina on penalties in the Semi-Finals of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. The USA drew with Wales and impressed in a goalless game with England before beating Iran to progress to the last sixteen. '[USA] have an excellent team, I would say even one of the best teams,' added Van Gaal. 'It will be a tough match, but it's nothing we can't overcome. We also have a good team. But I'm not going to downplay the USA. I think they're an example of what a good team is. There are teams who have progressed who are not good teams, but who have great individual quality.'