World Cup Diary - Day 23: Sie Werden Alle In Die Straßen Heute Abend Tanzen!

Ze Chermans v Ze Hargies
Apparently, Paul the Psychic Octopus had predicted a German win. Again. And, as Steve Wilson noted, anybody who'd been following his predictions so far would be 'squids-in.' Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, you don't get this on ITV with their sour-faced and rancid anti-Uruguay agenda!

Yesterday, kind of, restored my faith in football to, not only thrill but, also, surprise. Today couldn't possibly live up to that, could it? Three minutes it took to answer that question. In a tournament of some rubbish goalkeeping moments, we got another one to add to the list. Schweinsteiger knocked over a wicked inswinging free-kick from the left and after Thomas Mueller glanced it towards goal, Sergio Romero found himself in no-man's land and the ball hit his leg before flying into the net. Gott in himmel! That, I didn't expect.
So, people my wonder how an Englishman could get so enthused about Germany, of all teams. But, hey, I've never had much of a problem with the Germans. They're a good side, it's a really nice country, my sister in law comes from there and they make very efficient cars! How much longer can a country be punished for a homicidal crimes of a deranged and psychotic madman? I mean, Toni Schumacher's been retired for twenty five years now, surely we can move on? At half-time Alan Hansen was drawing so many arrows on the screen I thought it was going to turn into the title sequence of Dad's Army. The general consensus of the panel was the Argentina's big players - Messi, Tevez et al - weren't performing. No shit?

The second-half progressed with Messi seemingly trying to win the game on his own but he was well shackled for the most part by the very impressive Boeteng. But the more the Argentines came forward, the more dangerous they looked. 'You get the feeling Argentina are one pass away,' said Steve Wilson, somewhat obviously. There was a period of about ten minutes where but for some last-ditch tackling, Argentina could have equalised three or four times. So, what do you think happened, then? Why, the Germans went up the other end and scored, of course. They're really very good at doing that! Tripped and, from a position on the floor just outside the box, Sami Khedira somehow found a slide rule pass to Lukas Podolski on the left and his perfect ball along the six-yard line was tapped in by a gleeful Miroslav Klose, his thirteenth goal in World Cup finals. Unlucky for some. Well, unlucky for Argentina, anyway. Tevez had a go at the other end. 'Look at Tevez,' said Wilson. 'He's like a one man ... battleship!' Oh, the comedy potential. 'The Bismarck'? The 'General Belgrano'? I mean, there's serving jokes up a plate and then there's really serving jokes up on a plate! Fifteen minutes out, the Germans got a third. Similar in construction to the second, Schweinsteiger ran through about four tackles in the box before setting up Friedrich. There was a moment when Tevez got the ball on the edge of the box, dipped his shoulder, cut inside and then spanked one about twenty rows back into the crowd. It was that sort of day for the men from the River Plate. We got shots of Diego on the touchline looking for all the world like a man who'd just shat in his best suit. The scowl was a mixture of contempt, sadness and suppressed violence. Shadenfreude? Jah. Surprisingly, perhaps, the Argies didn't revert to type and start kicking people. Well, not much, anyway. It appeared as though they, as much as the rest of the world, had been shocked by just how easily they had been swept aside by an athletic, skillful young German side. One that's still nowhere near the finished article - at times they looked very shaky sat the back. But one that score goals for fun. 'And Messi is going the same way as Kaka...' Down the toilet? Right at the death, the Germans did it again - 'counter-attacking football at it's very best,' noted Mark Lawrenson, wisely. There was shots of Angela Merkel in the crowd with a delirious look on her face that German Chancellors normally only have when they're considering invading the Sudetenland. You couldn't blame her for being happy, though. Her boys had done her, and their Fatherland proud. They'd outclassed a class outfit. You don't see that very often in world football. 'Ein, zwei, drei, they have struck fear into the hearts of their opponents,' noted Gary Lineker. See, Chiles, that's how you sum up after a World Cup classic.

Spain v Paraguay
Surely we couldn't get four genuinely brilliant quarter finals in a row? I mean, has that ever happened? Even in 1970, Uruguay ground out a dreadful 1-0 win against the USSR. The BBC warmed up with a collection of Spain's Greatest Misses and, a repetition of the statistic that they really seem to love - that Jose Luis Chilavert scored more international goals than Emile Heskey. And Chilavert was a goalkeeper. Gary, Alan and Alan were putting in a long stint, having all done the earlier match but they brought on Lee Dxion for Seedorf and he seemed to be the only one who had actually done a bit of research of the Paraguyans. The general gist of which was 'they're boring but they don't concede many!' Oh joy. 'Paraguay have never played in a World Cup quarter final, Spain have never won one,' Gary told us. So, something had to give!

The first half was ... well, I was going to say disappointing but really, it was only disappointing in comparison with the previous three. It was actually decent enough - and certainly interesting. And Paraguay were, by a not inconsiderable distance - the better side. They strangled the Spanish attacking force, giving Villa and Torres hardly a kick. And the latter, when he did get a kick, usually managed to put it into Row Q. (He never hit it hard enough to get it to Row Z.) The Paraguayans pressed high up the pitch and, in Nelson Valdez, they had the game's best player. He even had the ball in the net, but it was chalked out for a marginal offside.

The game exploded to life in the fifty fifth minute in what rapidly became a tale of two penalties. Or three, actually. First Pique blatantly dragged down Oscar Cardozo from a corner. He was booked. Cardozo himself took the resultant spot-kick for Paraguay but hit it weakly to Iker Casillas' left. The keeper made an easy save. Almost straight from the restart, up the other end David Villa got into the Paraguay box and went down under a challenge from Antolin Alcaraz. It looked a bit soft, but the ref pointed to the spot again whilst the Spaniards all waved about imaginary red cards at him. Senor Bartes, seemingly, prefers yellow. Xabi Alonso stepped up and scored but to much flapping a hands, the referee disallowed it for encroachment. Alonso changed his mind for the retake - fatal. He went the other way and Villar, brilliantly, saved it. (There should, actually have been a fourth penalty immediately afterwards as the keeper, in scrambling to dive on the blocked spot-kick sent Cesc Fabregas absolutely flying.) Villar then topped even that with a spectacular looking save from an Iniesta shot. Madness.

And then finally, just as it seemed no one wanted to score, Spain did. It was a comedy goal of extreme proportions too. A quick break, Iniesta set up Pedro and, after his shot crashed back off the post, it came back to David Villa who - via both posts - eventually found the net. Ay carumba. There was still time for Roque Santa Cruz to waste a glorious opportunity to equalise. And for Villa to almost double the lead as the game became stretched in the final moments. At last, we'd got a - bit of a - classic to go with the other three. Better late than never. Sergio Ramos got kicked in the face and, for a time it looked as though the Spanish were going to call for an undertaker it took him so long to get up. The Spanish had done in despite playing dreadfully. If they do that against the Germans, they won't be so lucky.

Goals: 133
Red Cards: 15

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World Cup Diary - Day 22: The Future's Oranj...

Two days of hell passed in the wilderness. And then ...

The Netherlands vs Brazil
ITV started their coverage with the wholly expected 'Pele and Cruyff montage' before Andy Townsend started talking and I switched over, quickly, to the women's cricket on Sky Sports until he'd stopped. 'Oranges and lemons,' noted Peter Drury in a rather sweeping and grandiose scene-setting piece in which he noted 'a game, not for hard facts but for the imagination.' Well, hopefully. I had a feeling before hand that this was either going to be the game of the tournament or the biggest single disappointment of it. There would be, you felt, little or middle ground. And, that's exactly how it proved. The first half was fabulous - or, at least, the Brazilians were. The Dutch simply never got going. Van Persie was anonymous. Sneijder was anonymous. Everything went through Robben who, it seemed, has chosen today for his worst game in a good couple of years. By contrast, when the blue shirts swept forward, you sensed that danger could come from anywhere. It took them ten minutes to find a chink in the Dutch armour. Melo's pass found Robinho who, unchallenged, ran through to score. After that, it was all Brazil, the only black moment for them coming when Dunga's unhappiness at Michel Bastos getting a yellow card caused him to give his dugout a damned good fisting. Total football? Yeah. It was. The Dutch were being outplayed. Totally. If ever they needed Van Marwijk to get out a big stick and start giving some massive egos a damned good hiding at half-time, today was that day. And then, out of absolutely nothing, the Dutch equalised. I didn't see that one coming - and neither, it would seem, did Julio Cesar! Wesley Sneijder curled over a left-footed free-kick from the Dutch right and Cesar, usually so reliable, came for it, flapped at it and the ball clipped the top of Felipe Melo's head before creeping into the corner. Game, as they say, very much on. Interestingly, just before the goal, Brazil should probably have been down to ten men as Bastos yet again kicked Robben up aheight having already been booked. The - otherwise very impressive - Japanese referee, however, gave him the benefit of the doubt, much to Van Persie's obvious chagrin.

Brazil has bossed the game for just about the whole of the first fifty five minute but, suddenly, they found themselves behind. Robben sent over a corner from the right, Dirk Kuyt flicked it on at the near post and there was Wesley Sneijder at the back to head it into the corner. Incredible. Unbelievable. Spirit of '74. Get yer Ajax and yer Wims out for the lads. Suddenly, less welcome reminders of that match at Dortmund in '74 were dragged into focus again, when Felipe Melo had a mad Luis Pereira-moment and stamped on Robben for no obvious reason. A headstrong fragment of stupidity that earned him a deserved straight red card. Forget any idea about this being a disappointment, this was, indeed, the match of the tournament, by miles. Brazil threw caution to the four winds and bravely mounted wave after wave of attacks with the Dutch sitting back but breaking intelligently with pace. It was thrilling stuff. The sort of final that we always hope for but never get. As the Dutch took control of the midfield, Brazil lost their shape and, with it, some of their composure although you always sensed they were good enough to go down the other end and score if they could only keep their heads. Van Persie went off five minutes from the end and, this time, didn't throw his dummy out of the pram. In the last five minutes nails were bitten, emotions tested, last-ditch tackles made. Jeez, if only the World Cup was always like this.

It's an Oranj world tonight! And one little boy who fell in love with Dutch football in the summer of 1974 could not, possibly, be happier.

Ghana v Uruguay
After a match as dramatic as this afternoon's, almost anything was going to be an anti-climax. Almost anything, I said. ITV did their best - although, inevitably, their best included the hugely patronising spectacle of sending one of their reporters - Ned Boulting - to Accra to sample some of the local 'colour.' How decidedly colonialist, old chaps. 'One of the first rules of sports broadcasting is not to show any favouritism,' noted Clive Tyldesley. Hang on, Clive Tyldesley has always shown favouritism. Usually to Manchester United. Often when they're not even playing. Anyway, he continued by doing exactly that, drawing a tenuous link to various Britons with some vague Ghanaian heritage (Dizzee Rascal, for one). 'It's nice to have one English-speaking country left in the tournament.' Oh well, that's all right then. It's also eighty percent of the world's population gone in a sentence. Nice bit of casual racism there, you crass Little Englander, you. After Chiles' thoroughly rotten tongue-rimming earlier where he'd, basically, told anybody intending on supporting Uruguay ('cast in the role of pantomime villain' said Tyldesley) that they were traitors, despite my own hope that Ghana would win, as i like an underdog as much as the next man, I was on the point of switching allegiance. But then ... it's Uruguay. Yeah. Even their mothers find them hard to love! Tyldesley finished his hatefully one-sided opening piece by concluding that the vuvuzelas were likely to be going some in the stadium. 'If you're not a fan, this might be a night for turning the sound down.' The first thing he's said that actually makes sense in about a decade.

Uruguay were the better team for most of the opening twenty minutes or so but an enforced change (Scotti for Lugano) combined with Boeteng having an absolute blinder playing in the hole behind Gyan led to a whole series of excellent chances for Ghana. They passed the ball beautiful and were quick and smart and first to every fifty-fifty ball. Just as most of us were thinking, 'it's worrying they haven't scored when as they're so on top' they promptly did score. And it was an effing blinder. Sulley Muntari picked the ball up in the Uruguay half and, with no-one anywhere near him, he took a touch, then another, moved into space and from about thirty five yards he hits a sweet left-foot shot that curled away from a badly-positioned Fernando Muslera and flew into the corner. Africa - and the ITV studio - went absolutely mental.

The second-half was again, if anything, even better. Ghana started in the ascendancy but a stunning free-kick by Diego Forlan levelled things up after ten minutes. After that, if was 'you have an attack, we'll have an attack' as the game swung from end to end in a very attractive and exciting way. There were no more goals, though and so we got thirty more minutes. And for once, that wasn't a chore! Even it it did take Jim Beglin until five minutes from the end of extra time before he found an excuse for a 'beam me up, Scotti' joke. Again, the game swung backwards and forward, first Uruguay having the upper hand, then the Africans coming back strongly.

Penalties looked certain when with, literally, the last kick of the game a scramble in the box ended with Suarez handling on the line. Red card. Penalty. Up stepped Gyan ... and hit the bar. I repeat, penalties looked certain. Crikey, talk about drama: Forlan was faultless. Gyan made no mistake second time around. Great penalty - top corner. Victorino, likewise, was clinical. Appiah, off a short run, also put it in the corner. Scotti drilled in low and Kingson managed to dive over it. Mensah the Mackem, off a one-paced run, hit it straight at Muslera. Wretched. Maxi Pereira's arse fell out and he skied it over the bar. Worse than wretched! Adiya's effort was saved too. Do either of you guys want to win this thing? Abreu walked up to take his kick like a man of his way to the gallows. He was cheeky, he chipped it. And Uruguay were in the semi-finals. The crowd went silent. Back at the studio, Chiles was a bastard disgrace, blatantly doing away with any notion of balance or impartiality and whinging about Ghana having been 'cheated.' Yes, it was hand ball. Yes, the lad did it deliberately. He got got sent off, what more did you want, a public flogging? Hang on, didn't Chiles used to be English with a side order of Croatian? Where did the Ghana streak come from? Whilst Marcel Desailly seemed on the very of bursting into tears (hang on, didn't he used to be French?). Townsend (who's never been remotely Irish) wittered on about rubbish, as usual. It was utterly sickening. We went back to Accra where Neddy was talking about how the Ghana fans had accepted defeat with dignity, something his ITV colleagues could learn a thing or two from.

So anyway, two of the best matches of the tournament on the same day. Like London buses, you want for ages for one to turn up then two come along at once.

Goals: 128
Red Cards: 15

World Cup Diary - Day 21: We Have Come To Speak Politics To You, Today

The BBC's coverage of England's calamitous defeat by Germany received an Audience Appreciation Index score of, wait for it, sixty six, from viewers. Oh, the irony.

Germany's two-goal hero Thomas Mueller believes the culture in the England team will hinder their chances of becoming successful. Mueller scored twice for Germany in their 4-1 win over England on Sunday. 'It is difficult to have so many "alpha males" and have them row in the same direction,' said the twenty year-old. 'You don't only need chiefs, you also need a few Indians. You need people who are willing to do the hard work.' He added: 'It may be a problem with England that players are simply not mentally prepared to go that extra mile for their team-mates.' Meanwhile, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said that England were 'killed by their own impatience' during their defeat to Germany. The Frenchman believes England should have used their experience to stop Germany's counter-attacking threat. England pulled the score back to 2-1 and had a goal disallowed but were hit on the break when chasing an equaliser. 'England had taken over the game and I think they were killed by their impatience,' Wenger told Arsenal's website. 'They came back in the second half to 2-1 and they controlled the game. What made me sad was that, with the experience they had, they were caught. It was free-kick for England, goal for Germany. You do what they did with five minutes to go, okay, but not with twenty five minutes left.' Wenger believes the levels of expectation weighed heavily on the England camp. 'Many teams start slow in the group stage,' he said. 'I remember in 2006, France were horrible in the group stage but they found momentum in the quarter-final and semi-final because they had no pressure any more. England suffered under pressure. They did not look sharp. Also England did not seem to be at the level to use their main strength - the huge pace they put in the game. Was that physical fatigue or a mental reason? I do not know but you never found the sense of English football in there.'

And so, the inevitable fall out begins. English football is suffering because it has become too commercial, says former culture secretary Andy Burnham. Thanks. Now would you like to tell us something we don't already know, Andy? The national side's hugely disappointing World Cup campaign in South Africa was ended by a 4-1 second round defeat by Germany. Burnham, whose ministerial remit included sport until May, told BBC Radio 5Live: 'I think money has poisoned our national game. Our game has rampant commercialism. We have put money before the sport and we are reaping the dividends of that.' The Football Association is considering the future of England manager Fabio Capello after his team failed to reproduce the form that earned qualification for the finals in South Africa with nine wins and one defeat. The people who actually should be sweating on their futures, the players, completely failed to find their club form as England were held to a 1-1 draw by the United States in their group opener on 11 June ahead of a dour goalless stalemate with Algeria on 18 June. Capello's men secured their place in the second phase in a much improved performance against Slovenia thanks to Jermain Defoe's goal in Port Elizabeth. But, they had to make do with the runners-up spot after Landon Donovan's dramatic stoppage-time goal secured a narrow win over Algeria and with it top spot in Group C for the US. As a result, England were paired with Germany for a place in the quarter-finals but Capello's team were simply outclassed by a vastly superior, and much younger, fitter and more vibrant side. Burnham said that he believed the commercialisation of the game since the advent of the Premier League in 1992 is behind the England team's struggles this summer. 'The governing body is a hung parliament and it isn't able to take a view, as the interests of the Premier League, sadly, predominate at the FA,' he added. 'Since the Premier League was created we've had commercial forces running riot across our game. We have seen fans priced out of going to football, we have seen money going out of the top of the game and not benefiting the grass roots or the lower divisions and I think it's got to change.' With Premier League clubs recruiting from overseas - around sixty per cent of players in England's elite league are not qualified to play for the national team - young English players have been struggling to flourish with the top clubs. And Burnham says that the FA must choose between either a thriving Premier League or a strong national team. 'We are paying people from all around the world to come here and hone their skills, leaving their own domestic leagues around the world free to bring on the next generation of talent, while our own players here can't get into starting line-ups,' he commented. England's bid to stage the 2018 World Cup finals is being assessed by world governing body FIFA, which is due to announce its decision on 2 December. Burnham was with the FA delegation, including former FA chairman Lord Triesman, Capello and David Beckham, which handed over the England 2018 bid book to FIFA in Zurich and May. The former culture secretary said that during that trip it became clear to him that the English game would have to change if it was to win the right to host the tournament: 'They dislike the arrogance of English football and they think we have failed to tame commercialism in our own sport,' he stated. 'And it's not just that it has a damaging effect on English football, it affects football everywhere, particularly in Europe because it has an inflationary effect on wages across Europe but also our clubs are bringing in that talent from a very young age from countries all around the world. So they see the effect of the English game on the stability of football elsewhere and they don't like it and I don't blame the for not liking it.'

Meanwhile, one of the very worst examples of everything that is wrong with the English game, Ashley Cole, has reportedly launched 'a foul-mouthed rant' about England and its 'people' days before flying out to the World Cup to play football for his country. Mind you, this is according to the Daily Scum Mail so, you know, it might well be lies. The message - which they claim read 'I hate England and the fucking people' - was sent to 'friends' from the Chelsea defender's Blackberry shortly before he boarded a flight to England's pre-World Cup training camp in Austria. I didn't think he had any friends after he split up with the nation's sweetheart? Anyway, the over-rated twenty nine-year-old footballer, well known for his cheating antics of feigning injury to get opponents sent off, and his cheating antics related to his woman, is said to have posted this as his status message - alongside a picture of him sunbathing topless - allowing all those designated as his 'friends' to see it. So, that'll be four of them, then? Quite how the Daily Scum Mail discovered this unless one of those alleged 'friends' grassed him up to them is, at this time, unknown. Although, we can probably guess. The newspaper claim that Cole said: 'I always try my hardest for England and Chelsea but the intrusion and pressure I feel is making my life hell.' Which is, of course, very sad. Disappointed fans, particularly those who paid thousands of pounds to fly to South Africa to watch England's matches, are unlikely to have much sympathy for the left-back.

Perhaps, he should trying signing for a Nigerian club instead, they sound much more like his cup of cocoa. Because the Nigerian President, Goodluck Jonathan (no, really) has suspended the national football team from international competition for two years following their poor performance in the World Cup. 'Mr President has directed that Nigeria will withdraw from all international football competition for the next two years to enable Nigeria to reorganise its football,' Ima Niboro, Jonathan's senior communications adviser, said. 'This directive became necessary following Nigeria's poor performance in the ongoing FIFA World Cup,' he said. Nigeria were knocked out in the first round. After meeting the country's World Cup organising committee, Jonathan also said the accounts of the committee should be audited. 'If any financial misappropriation is discovered, all officials responsible will be held accountable,' Niboro said. Jonathan's decision came a day after the executive committee of the Nigerian Football Federation met to review the team's first round exit, in which they picked up a single point and finished bottom of their group also containing South Korea, Greece and Argentina. Niboro said the sports minister would be writing to FIFA shortly to inform them of the decision. He said the minister for the federal capital territory, Abuja, had been instructed to build a 'Football House' where the team could be based. 'The problem of Nigerian football is structural. We need to reorganise the structures and there is need to withdraw from all international football competition so that we can put our house in order,' Niboro said. A statement said the federation apologised to the 'federal government and all football-loving Nigerians for the early ouster of the Super Eagles from the World Cup' and added Nigeria would seek to play more friendly matches to get more experience. 'It's the right decision. President Jonathan has made a bold step to clean up the rot. We need to move the country in football,' John Fashanu, the former Wimbledon and (briefly) England footballer partly of Nigerian descent, told local sports radio. 'We cannot be held to ransom by anybody.' Some Super Eagles, however, fans were shocked by the decision. 'Sounds to me like the president is trying to score cheap political points. The next major international competition is two years away anyway,' said one irate fan in Lagos, asking not to be named. The NFF said it wanted Swedish coach Lars Lagerback, appointed on the eve of the finals, to stay and put together a wide-ranging programme to harness young talent. The statement also said the federation disagreed with those claiming Nigerian soccer was in a dwindling state. 'No previous board has qualified Nigeria for all major tournaments internationally,' the statement said. The government instruction to withdraw could prompt sanctions from FIFA, who have taken a strong stand against political interference in the sport. A FIFA spokesman said: 'We have had no official information from the Nigerian FA about this case specifically but in general FIFA's policy towards political interference is well known. Our statutes do not allow for any political interference.' Nigerian sporting administrators have often been accused of corruption and incompetence and the federation was roundly criticised after sacking coach Shaibu Amodu in February, just four months before the World Cup finals. Amodu was dismissed because Nigeria only managed to finish third at the Nations Cup finals in Angola in January. Nigeria were banned by the Confederation of African Football in 1996 when then President Sani Abacha withdrew the team from the African Nations Cup finals in South Africa because he had been criticised by Nelson Mandela over the judicial execution of political opponents. They could not compete in African competition for two years but were able to qualify for the 1998 World Cup in France.

France's government says it has not meddled with its football federation. FIFA criticised the government after it summoned manager Raymond Domenech and the French federation's former president to a hearing on Wednesday. 'There was never any question of the French government interfering in the affairs of the French Football Federation,' said spokesman Luc Chatel. France came bottom of their group after spectacular infighting within the squad led to the team refusing to train. Domenech and former French Football Federation president Jean-Pierre Escalettes, who resigned on Monday, appeared before a parliamentary commission to explain what went wrong in South Africa. Smug-faced striker Thierry Henry also held talks with French president Nicolas Sarkozy last week. France's problems began after their 2-0 defeat to Mexico, when striker Nicolas Anelka was sent home for verbally insulting Domenech. The following day the entire French squad refused to train in protest at the decision and Manchester United defender and France captain Patrice Evra had to be separated from fitness coach Robert Duverne after an argument. Domenech dropped a number of the squad's senior players - including Evra and Henry - who were seen as being behind the problems, for their final group match against South Africa which they lost 2-1. There were accusations that French sports minister Roselyne Bachelot had interfered with the FFF by calling on Escalettes to resign, a claim Chatel denies: 'She indeed indicated that she personally believed his resignation was unavoidable but she did not ask for his resignation,' he said. 'It is normal for members of parliament to try to find out exactly what happened because it is a topic that preoccupies French people.' FIFA, as noted, rules state that national governments must not interfere with the affairs of their football federations. Any country whose government does interfere with the running of their federation is liable to have its national and club sides banned from international competition.

By contrast the Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan has issued a statement warmly thanking his national team for their efforts following their World Cup exit in a penalty shoot-out against Paraguay. 'The players and the bench were united and showed the world the potential of Japanese soccer. I sincerely congratulate their efforts,' he commented.

Netherlands striker Robin van Persie has defended his angry reaction to being substituted against Slovakia. Van Persie remonstrated with coach Bert van Marwijk when he was replaced by Klaas-Jan Huntelaar ten minutes before the end of the 2-1 win and then took no part in the Dutch celebrations of Wesley Sneijder's late goal. Van Persie said: 'What I said to Van Marwijk was not over the top. I just want to be important to the team and score. I wanted to stay on as we would have had more space with Slovakia chasing an equaliser and I felt that I could profit from that.' Ah, I was wondering how long it was going to be before the Dutch imploded. It's a bit overdue this time around.

And finally, Portugal captain Cristiano Ronaldo says he feels like a 'broken man' following his side's 1-0 World Cup second-round defeat to Iberian neighbours Spain. Oh dear. How terribly, terribly sad.

World Cup Diary - Day 20: Picking Sides

Today, there is no football.

Not a sausage.

Bugger all.

But, this is terrible. This cannot be allowed to stand. I mean, what the hell am I going to do all day?

Oh well ... back to the cricket, I suppose.

In the mean time we can have a look at a few pictures of typical 'soc-her' players enjoying themselves out at the World Cup:And there's people who'll try to tell you there's no class in football these days ...

One final thought for this day of no football; a necessary difference between the BBC and ITV coverage of the World Cup was highlighted last night. After the BBC had shown the - in patches very good - Spain vs Portugal match they broadcast one of a series of little vignettes that their panel of ex-footballers have been making out in South Africa. It was a Mark Lawrenson think-piece on the horrifying battle of Spion Kop (1900) and how it provided the inspiration for why Liverpool's famous terracing at Anfield was thus called. It was historically fascinating and, as far as my own limited knowledge of the second Boer War goes, factually accurate. More importantly, it was beautiful - the latest in a series of gorgeously shot, well thought-out, humane and impressive bits of TV reportage which had previously included Garth Crooks on the 1976 Soweto massacre, a series of short pieces on a variety of different subjects by the very impressive Clarence Seedorf and a rather moving moment when the normally glacial Alan Shearer reported from a poverty-stricken township on the development of South African youth football. When the BBC do this sort of thing, they usually do it right. It has some gravitas, some depth. Some dignity. Some heart. Compare and contrast this with ITV's often pathetic attempts to do human interest stories between their - largely dreadful - coverage of matches so far in the tournament. 'We need something quick to fill the five minutes between Chiles cracking a few blokey one-liners and the next showing of that Telly Vegetables-murders-Elvis advert for the Sun. Let's send Kelly Dalglish to a township where they've only just got electricity so she can be patronising to some Africans.' It really is astonishing that a major broadcaster can get it wrong so often and on so many levels as ITV have conspired to do over the last half-a-dozen major football championships, culminating in this one. Every attempt they make to produce something a bit more serious or thoughtful has been undermined by their own reporters' unflappable ability to trivialise and tabloidise the subjects which they're covering and the often crass links they use to get into and out of these items. Wretched. Absolutely horrible. I know we traditionally expect the BBC's coverage of the actual football itself - in terms of commentary, analysis and presentation - to be better than their commercial rivals. Always has been, probably always will be. They were - marginally - better when it was a choice of David Coleman versus Brian Moore back in the 1970s and it's been getting wider and wider ever since. But this World Cup has highlighted, for me anyway, just why the BBC is a respected broadcaster worldwide whose only lack of appreciation seems, ironically, to be in its own back yard. Whereas, ITV is the producer of banal, characterless programmes of mass consumption like The X-Factor and that everything they do is trivialised, patronised and followed by some crass comment by that bellowing non-entity, Andy Townsend. One sells advertising space, the other sells ideas to the world. And nation shall speak peace unto nation. A significant and necessary difference.

World Cup Diary - Day 19: Fatigue Sets In

Para-Guys v Japan
Nah. Couldn't be bothered. For the first time in nearly three weeks here was a match that, actually, defeated my concerted efforts to get enthusiastic over. Even Roque Santa Cruz missing an open goal in the first-half didn't do anything to lighten my mood of singular introspection. I mean, it was on ITV for a start so that meant their piss-awful presentation to put up with. Then, the director clearly found the match so boring that after a while he started concentrating instead on 'wacky' fans in the crowd - particularly one little Japanese fellah who just needed a damned good slap for his zany antics.

Half-time passed in a kind of haze of utter indifference. Even Jim Beglin couldn't find much to get enthused about in this one. It was just dull. Two sides who'd probably slightly overachieved to get this far suddenly realising they're one clean sheet away from a World Cup Quarter Final. It was a recipe for this year's Switzerland v Ukraine. Yes, it really was that horrible. As we got yet another shot of the stern-faced Japanese coach a few minutes from the end (the one who always looks like he's about to tell Alec Guinness 'YOU BUILD BRIDGE NOW!') a stray though struck me. THIS IS JUST SHIT! I mean, dreadful. Easily the worst game of the tournament so far - largely because you knew that both sides were capable of more. We'd seen them produce more a few days ago. With seconds to go Nakamura just failed to connect with a cross but, to be honest, a winner at that stage - though a blessing - would've been unjust. 'You get one of these in every world cup, Peter' Beglin told Drury. 'And, we've copped it today!'

Extra-time was no better. Did Adrian Voodoo Chile really say at the break, 'that was slightly better'? Than what, Adie, colon cancer? The last few minutes were like watching treacle set. 'The inevitable looms' said Beglin, ominously.

So, Townsend wittered on about some crap or other that nobody cares a damn about and Southgate neatly avoided mentioning the highlight of his career in penalties. The referee seemed to want to milk every nano-second of drama out of the tedious ritual of tossing a coin. The Para-guys went first: Barreto buried his. Endo did likewise. Barrios stuck his away. Hasebe went high and equalised as his stern-faced manager looked on, unimpressed. Riveros - Mackem bound - rolled one straight down the middle as Kawashima dived out of the way. Komano's arse fell out and he hit the bar. Valdez was cool, clinical and it was 4-2. Hondo was composure itself. Cardozo stepped up and Paraguay were through.

Thank God that's over.

Spain v Portugal
The second match should've been far more appealing - two quality sides, one of which I really rather like, the other whom I loathe like something I have to scrape off the sole of my shoe with a stick. The BBC did their best, bringing in Klinsmann to be entertaining - which he was - and getting Seedorf to do another one of his thoughtful reportage pieces (this, a rather tenuous one comparing the match to The Rumble In The Jungle). But, it all started to go wrong the second Colin Murray and his irritating voice interviewed Shearer and Alan didn't take the chance to elbow Murray in the face. Missed opportunity there, Big'un. The game started like neither side particularly wanted to go for it and the first fifteen minutes was almost as slow as the earlier match. More skill, obviously. But, little to get thrilled about - especially as Portugal, in particular, seem to be playing for penalties even that that stage. 'Ronaldo cut a dejected figure at the end of that awful game against Brazil,' according to Jonny Pearce. Any chance of an encore tonight? Please? You know, if that Puyol could still run more than five yards without looking knackered, like he used to, he'd be the perfect defender. Spain's problem, frankly, was that most of the players you'd really want to be top of their game in a match like this - Iniesta, Torres, Villa, Xavi - just looked a bit off the pace. Or, in Torres case, a lot off the pace.

Half-time was mostly taken up with - yet another - tedious discussion on technology. Klinnsman was thoughtful and articulate. So was Seedorf. Hansen grunted a few times and said 'unbelievable' a lot. The second-half began with Portugal - by a distance - the more likely to score. That's if they'd actually wanted to. But, they still had the look of a side sticking doggedly to Plan A because, frankly, they didn't have a Plan B. Then came the moment that probably changed the game. Del Bosque took off the very ineffective Torres and brought on Llorente whilst, at exactly the same moment, Carlos Queiroz inexplicably swapped the quite impressive and dangerous Almeida for Danny. Within minutes, Spain had three great chances, David Villa taking the third of them. The scowling look on Ronaldo's face as he gesticulated towards the bench asking for suggestions on what they do now was one of the 2010 World Cup's most satisfying moments. Queiroz tried a couple of further substitutions. 'I can only think that those changes are to try and get more service to Cristiano Ronaldo, because he hasn't had the ball at all,' noted Lawro. After that, the last twenty minutes were actually terrific, end-to-end stuff with chances for both sides and a red card for Costa for what looked to be a bit of a nothing incident with Capdevila. And, there was the delicious sight of Ronaldo limping for no obvious reason and looking very sorry for himself indeed. Ah. Shame. Spain had, certainly, been the better side over all. But, on this evidence, they're probably not world beaters and, more worryingly, their supposed 'best' team isn't, actually, looking like their best team. It ended with a bit of sour feeling bubbling beneath the surface. As Klinnsman noted at the end, 'you've got to have a Plan B against Spain in case they score!' And, therein lies a significant lesson.

Goals: 123
Red Cards: 14

We've got a couple of days off, now. At probably just about the right time, too.

The Scum Also Rises To The Occasion. Occasionally.

Never let it be said that the Sun don't, just occasionally, say something rather funny. As noted, even a broken clock's right twice a day.
Course, in life, there's asking for trouble -
And then, there's really asking for trouble - Laugh? Laugh? I nearly ... (I notice that nobody has yet referred to the extreme prominence of the 'Emergency Exit' sign, either!)

So, dear blog reader, if you're wondering what to do on Wednesday and Thursday when there's no football on, here's a couple of tips:

1) Watch the cricket on Wednesday. At least we seem to be quite good at that at the moment.

2) If you prefer, try getting tanked up to blazes - I mean blind-roaring drunk - and then go up to a large skinhead and say 'was that your mam I saw with Fabio Capello last night?'

Trust me, it'll be just like being at the football.

World Cup Diary - Day 18: The Future's Orange. And Yellow. And, Maybe Black & White.

The Netherlands v Slovakia
The BBC kicked off their coverage pf this one with a Clarence Seedorf history lesson on Total Football complete with a Gil Scott Heron soundtrack. Niiiice. Gary, Lee and Alan manfully turned up with false smiles plastered all over their boat-races after yesterday's debacle and we hoped for a bit of tasty Oranj.

What they - and we - had to watch was terrific for the most part. A great first-half - technically, at least, a joy to watch. The fact that the Dutch were only one up - thanks to a spanker from Robben - doesn't tell half the story. 'The Dutch are really patient but Slovakia are defending in numbers and making them play the long ball which they don't like,' noted Clarence. 'The Netherlands are well-organised too when they are defending, and that is hard to get through. I don't think Slovakia have the quality they need to break them down.' Al Shearer agreed: 'The Dutch haven't really had to get out of first gear yet. They are very methodical and hard-working but it is too easy for them at the moment because Slovakia are so poor.' It was a day for motor metaphors, clearly, with Simon Brotherton suggesting the Dutch had 'played with the hand-brake on so far.' Send for The Stig.

The start of the second-half was, if anything, even better, as the vuvuzelas got louder, there were constant waves of Oranj shirts towards the Slovak goal. Three times in about five minutes Robben, Van Persie and then Sneijder almost doubled the lead. But the longer it went on at 1-0, the more you felt Slovakia might just get back into this and, sure enough, twenty minutes from the end, Vittek had a great chance to level the score, Stekelenburg making his first real save of the match from point-blank range. Then we got a touch of the traditional Dutch magic - Van Persie taking a right stroppy girly hissy-fit when he got substituted. Ah, just like the old days, that! With eight minutes left, a quickly taken free-kick saw Kuyt setting up Sneijder for 2-0 to finally put the game to bed. Neither Skrtel, against whom the kick was given, and Vladimir Weiss were too happy about the situation, the latter having a right pop at the referee, Alberto Undiano, who simply waved him back towards his dug-out with a dismissive flick of the wrist.

And so the Dutch are in the quarter final and still, you sense, there a lot more from them to come. 'Maybe they are saving themselves for the later stages rather than playing like a football version of the Harlem Globetrotters early on and then going out just when we thought they'd finally cracked it, like in the last two tournaments,' noted Brother Brotherton. Amen to that.

Right at the death the Slovaks got a penalty and Vittek scored with the last kick of the game. Too little, too late.

Brazil v Chile
After three successive matches on the BBC, one tends to forget just how crass, bland and rubbish ITV's coverage has been at this World Cup. Chiles ranted a bit about England like a spoiled child who's just had his chocolate taken away form him and then opened the discussion up to the panel. Well, to Townsend and Southgate, anyway as Desailly looked about as interested in all this malarkey as a very disinterested thing indeed. Christ, but that Andy Townsend doesn't half talk some shite at times. He went into a lengthy rant about how the England players were, essentially, blameless and it was all the manager's fault. It was, at that point, genuinely lovely to see him getting slapped down into the gutter like a bitch with a bit of Gareth Southgate logic. 'We failed to qualify for the European Championships, everybody blamed McLaren. He got the sack, went off and managed PSV to the championship in Holland. Now, the same players have gone out of this World Cup and you're talking about blaming Capello, somebody who's won everything there is to win.' Yes! Yes, I say to thee Gareth Southgate! Testify, brother.

We went to the stadium where Tyldesley informed us that Howard Webb and his team were taking charge of their third game at the tournament and that they seemed to be highly thought of within FIFA. 'England might get to the final yet,' he concluded as though that's supposed to make us feel proud, or something. Haven't we suffered enough already, Clive? And then there was the game. Hyped up as the potential match of the competition so far, the first half hour was dull and flat and produced not much, frankly. Then, typically, just as I was on the verge of giving up on it and switching over to Time Team, Brazil scored twice in five minutes; a header by Juan from a corner and a Luis Fabiano goal after a swift bit of counter-attacking by Kaka and Robinho. So much for 'Dunga's dull Brazil'!

Is it just me or are the trails for James Corden's worthless thing getting more and more pleading? 'Yeah, England are gone but we've got Ruth Jones on!' Thanks for the warning, fat boy.

Anyway, second-half, Brazil strutted around like the owned the gaff, which you'd expect, and you sensed they could score whenever they fancied it, basically. Robinho added a third after a mazy run from the impressive Ramires. Thereafter it was just a case of did Chile fancy battling to keep it at three? They did, as it happens, and good on 'em for that. By the end, the television director was reduced to showing us pictures of pretty Brazilian female fans celebrating around Ellis Park. Don't they ever get tired of that?

No. of course they don't. Stupid question. Beat out the Samba rhythm in Rio, football's coming home.

Goals: 122
Red Cards: 13

The Inquest Starts Here

So, the sun did come up this morning after all. The world didn't end. Big surprise that, at least if you've read a British tabloid newspaper today following England's knackerless performance against a comtemptuous German side yesterday. Inevitably, after the shock comes the anger, the frustration and the thirst for answers and for change. Three posts by my friends on the Gallifrey Base World Cup Thread neatly sum up many of the problems that we face. I hope the lads in question don't mind if I quote them, here:

Firstly, there's DoctorWho2010 who gave the following reaction: "I can't defend or pick a single good player for England today. Awful. Never seen something so bad (except Algeria). Shocking, shocking, shocking ... I would drop every single member who played this summer. I'd keep Milner and Lennon though. Give the U21s a chance. FA need to develop new talent and fast. They need a serious look at themselves and how the manage grassroots. Capello - I don't think he did much wrong I honestly think it's mostly due to the players ... Also I would have taken Agbonlahor. That game was crying out for a striker other than the options we had - I can't believe Heskey [came] on, we needed goals and needed Defoe on. Rooney should have been subbed. But if Crouch came on then they would only play the long ball.'

Some very good sentiments there and I know there's a temptation to throw out the baby with the bathwater but, as another poster - Peter - noted ...

"Am really quite cheesed off with the post match interviews with the England team, especially John 'I couldn't be arsed' Terry with his 'If we'd gone in at half time 2-2, then we would definitely have swung the game back our way...' REALLY? Don't you recall your defence torn asunder again and again and again? No doubt Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard, Terry et al will be blindly followed again next year at Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge and Anfield, being praised as the best thing since sliced bread - how soon we forget."

To which Primord replied: "They play a million times better for their clubs than they ever do in international games. Rooney looked relieved at the end of today's match, almost as if he was thinking 'Thank goodness this rubbish is over with and we get to go home tomorrow.'"

And this is part of the problem. Lampard, Terry and Cole (just for example) play in a club side that would, in all likelihood, have given Germany a far closer game than England did yesterday. Because they've got a Czech in goal, a Portuguese centre-half alongside Terry (who would never have played as badly as Upson did) and assorted Ivory Coasties, Germans, Brazilians, Argentines, Nigerians and Frenchmen in the team as well. Same with The Scum and The Arse, and the Thieving Scouse Schleps and, in fact, Notlob Wanderers or Aston Villains or West Hamster United or even my beloved (though unsellable) Magpies for that matter. You will be lucky, next season, to find an English Premier league team that regularly lines up with more than six Englishmen in their first team. This globalisation and multinational corporate branding has made English football the envy of the world. It is watched by, even conservative estimates suggest, over a billion people across the globe every week and our club sides do - moderately - well in the Champions League (certainly on a par with, if not better than, Bundesliga clubs as well as Serie A and La Liga). But it means that the international pool of players we've got to chose from has dwindled. And, if you think that's bad, have a look at the academy sides of most Premier League clubs. Take mine, for instance. Last year, Newcastle's under eighteens got to the quarter finals of the FA Youth Cup and finished second in the Northern area U18 league. A pretty good season. Half of the team, for one reason or another, aren't qualified to play for England. I imagine, if you go to most clubs, you'll find a similar story. Arsenal's policy of 'find as many teenage Frenchmen as you can' or Moscow Chelski FC's scouring of the African continent for young talent has brought both clubs much success. But where's the next generation of the England team going to come from? Crewe? Hartlepool? It's not just a problem that affects England either. Look at Italy - Inter Milan are the current European Champions and featured a side in the final against Bayern Munich which included a grand total of zero Italians (one, Materazzi, came on a substitute twenty seconds before the final whistle).

The sad fact is, right now, right at this moment, the twenty three players currently packing to come home from South Africa probably are the best twenty three English players in England. Certainly, twenty three of the best, say thirty five. This 'drop the lot and play the kids' idea works well in theory but I don't imagine for a second that Gareth Bale, Theo Walcott, Jack Rodwell, Fabrice Muamba, Jack Wilshere, Andy Carroll or Tom Cleverley would've done any better than Lampard, Gerrard, Rooney et al, and if you do, I believe you're mistaken. They're young and full of piss and vineger, they might've run about a bit more, but the gulf in class would've been the same, if not greater.

So, next year, I confidently expect The Scum and Moscow Chelski FC will be the top two in the Premier League and will probably both end up in the last four of the Champions League again. One of them might even win it this time. And that Rooney and Lampard will be scoring for fun again Stoke, Fulham, Newcastle, Blackpool and West Brom. Although I doubt Emile Heskey will do the same. I fully expect that when England start their Euro 2012 campaign against Bulgaria in September, the squad will be largely the same as the World Cup squad no matter whom the coach is. Maybe Hart will be in goal. Maybe Dawson might be tried at centre-half, but there won't be massive changes because there simply aren't the players to make massive changes with. And, I fully expect that England will probably sail through their qualification group, winning a lot of very boring matches 2-0 and that in two years time we'll all be sitting here talking about, largely, the same set of players and can they do it 'this time.' And they won't. Because nothing has changed. And nothing will change. And in 2016, Baddiel and Skinner will be rerecording 'Three Lions' again and this time they'll be changing the lyrics to 'fifty years of hurt never stopped me dreaming.'

For better or worse, Sky's injection of loadsmoney into the English game, the Bosman ruling and the Premier League's fast developing greed have combined to give us the most exciting, entertaining and rich football league in the world. And, a national side that, probably unconsciously, thinks a Wednesday night Champions League tie between Chelsea and Real Madrid is a far greater reflection of a World Cup final than the actual World Cup final. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the realities of English football in the Twenty First Century. We have become the victims of a trap of our own making. And football, generally, is the loser.

World Cup Diary - Day 17: For You, Tommy, Ze Var Ist Ovah!

Tommies v Jerries
And, that, I hope is the last war metaphor I intend using for this World Cup. From now on, it's strictly the armistice.

So, here you go - the ultimate quandary for any sports fan in Great British: England v Germany on BBC1 in the football or England v Australia on Sky Sports at cricket. Aw, come on. Not fair. Not fair at all. The BBC spent an hour bigging up a game that, really, genuinely, needed no bigging up. Shearer's comment that for the first time since he retired he wished he was back out on the pitch seemed sincere and genuine. There really is something about England v Germany games (at least, for the English anyway) that sets the pulse racing. And, speaking of racing, there was a bad omen before the match even started when, over on BBC2, Sebastian Vettel gave Lewis and Jensen a good tyre-burning in the Grand Prix. But, nevertheless, we hoped. We dreamed. We should've known better.

For thirty minutes, England were awful. Apocalyptically awful. I mean, dire. Worse than the Algeria match by far. Rooney couldn't hit a pass to another red shirt to save his life (and he wasn't the only one, either), Barry constantly allowed Özil (the best player on the pitch by a distance) space he should never have had. Oh, and we were two-nil down thanks to some of the worst defending from England I have ever seen. Firstly Neuer's long goal kick sailed over John Terry's head and Miroslav Klose showed great strength and coolness to hold off Upson and poke the ball past David James. Klose was held and could easily have gone down and Upson would have been sent-off but, credit to the German, he stayed on his feet to score his fiftieth international goal. Bet you don't see anything in the Sun tomorrow praising him for doing the right thing. 'You will never, ever see two centre-halves in a worse position than when Germany scored their first goal, I promise you,' noted Hansen at half-time. And, I believe him. Then, it got worse as England's defence crumbled into a state of absolute shambles for a second time. Germany attacked down the right and a clever flick from Klose teed up Thomas Mueller. With England's central defenders nowhere to be seen Mueller played it over the top to Podolski and from a tight angle on the left, he scored. If, at that moment, you'd put all of the England team - with the possible exception of Calamity - into a big bag and hit it, hard, with a stick, covered in shit, you'd have hurt someone who thoroughly deserved it. For the next five minutes, I think most of us would happily have taken two-nil to avoid any further embarrassment and just slunk off into a dark corner to lick our wounds and mutter about 1966 and all that. There looked no way back for England. When was the last time you can remember a German team surrendering a two goal lead?

What happened next was not in the script ... on thirty seven minutes, Steven Gerrard sent over a cross from the right and with Neuer all over the place, Upson - who'd had a wretched game - got a head on the ball and it looped into the empty net. Now, it was Germany who were rocking. And, we were all enjoying the schadenfreude of the moment. Because we're English and that's what we do. And then, it happened. The moment that, for better or worse, is probably destined to be this World Cup's most remembered, and possibly defining, incident. The 2010 Hand of God if you will. Frank Lampard hit a shot from outside the area. It beat Neuer, bounced down from the underside of the bar and about two feet - at least - over the line. I mean, it wasn't even close. A goal wasn't given. The first person to say 'that's pay-back for 1966' will be spanked with a wet kipper, I thought. Don't worry, dear blog reader Guy Mowbray beat you all to it, by some distance. He and Mark Lawrenson then spent the rest of the half whinging about the manifest unfairness of life. How it was all Sepp Blatter's fault and why is it a Uruguayan linesman instead of an Azerbaijani one? Et cetera.

Half-time with Gary and the panel was a curious mixture of dejection, apoplexy at all things Uruguyans (and Swiss!) or related to the England defence and testosterone snorting 'up-and-at-'em' rhetoric. The latter mostly from Shearer. England came out for the second-half breathing fire and brimstone from their nostrils for about ten minutes. Lampard hit the bar from a thirty yard free-kick with Neuer hopelessly beaten. Defoe almost got on the end of a delicate through-ball. But, every time the Germans got the ball in the English half, there was panic written all over the face of every Englishman in the world. And, particularly, those on the pitch. When Gareth Barry stupidly lost the ball on the edge of the German area with eight of his colleagues ahead of him, a devastating three-against-two German counter-attack at pace ended with Mueller scoring the third. Two minutes later it happened in replica and, again, Barry was at fault, totally skinned by Özil down the left. A simple ball into the box and Mueller made it four. Capello's response? He sent for Heskey. I'm not one, normally, to agree with pretty much anything that Happy Harry the Hamster chimes up with but the dripping sarcasm in his voice when he noted 'we need a goal so we take Jermaine Defoe off and bring on Heskey,' spoke volumes. The inquest, it seemed, had started early. There were shots of some very pissed off people in fancy dress in the crowd and one very lonely-looking Italian on the bench as the Germans played keep-ball and the crowd started doing the oles! 'Whatever you think of England as a potent attacking force, you cannot defend like that at this level,' noted Lawrenson, with a mixture of incredulity and more incredulity.

So, are the Germans as good as the scoreline here will suggest or was it that England were that bad? Again, probably it was a bit of both. They're a very young side, the Germans, they seem to have a dodgy keeper and, if you get at them, they're not infallible at the back. But, coming forward, they're frighteningly quick and they're only going to get better. For England, the so called Golden Generation were, once again, more like Golden Showers of stinking piss. Much-vaunted, much-hyped, highly-paid, not one of them, not a single one, will end their careers having got any further than a quarter final of a major international tournament. The plus points? A thirty nine year old goalkeeper who did little wrong ... and that's about it. I'd poo-pah'd the idea that anybody would be doing any 'thrashing' in this game, based on precedent and that fact that although we're English and we crave disappointment, we can usual manage not to let many goals in. Gerrard piped up with a banal comment to the effect that 'the score makes it look like we took a hammering, but the game was a lot closer than that.' No it wasn't and if you're delusional enough to believe that it was then you ought to be in a secure hospital not the national football team, you thick Scouse waste-of-space. Today was as much a blow for English ideas of invincibility as Dunkirk was. Oops. War metaphor. I said I wouldn't do any of those. Maybe if Lampard's goal had counted, it might have been a different game. Maybe. And that's probably the crumb of comfort that the eternal crass optimists will cling to as to why 'this wasn't our year' just as the last forty haven't been either. Personally, I thought we got a trousers down shafting from a vastly superior team who, simply, wanted it more. Later in the evening John Motson drew comparison to another memorable England defeat by (West) Germany, in 1972 at Wembley as the last occasion he felt England had been comprehensively outclassed in a game of this importance. That was when Günter Netzer and co. gave Alf Ramsey's England a jolly harsh lesson in the new realities of European football. Motty was also, interestingly, the first person in any media that I saw to articulate how sorry he felt for the England fans who spent a lot of money to follow the side to South Africa and had been rewarded so poorly with a series of such inept, spineless and woeful performances. I'm sure when Lampard, Rooney, Gerrard, Cole, Terry et al are playing in the Champions League later in the year, we'll be assured by supposedly 'informed' opinions that these players are world beaters. For some strange reason, however, when you put them all together, they aren't. Explaining that takes a bit of work. 'England have, literally, no defence,' noted Mr Lineker. And also, no bottle, no class, no luck (admittedly) but no style or flair, either. Meanwhile, there'll be dancing in the straßes tonight. Achtung, Schweinsteiger. You deserved it, baby.

Still, at least we won the cricket. Just.

Argentina v Mexico
Oh God, do we really need Jurgen Klinnsman bending over backwards to be magnanimous?! Mind you, for not letting Garth Crooks get a word in edgeways he should probably be awarded with a medal of some description. Ah well, it not the end of the world. End of the World Cup, maybe, but not the end of the world ... Steve Wilson kicked off coverage of this one with the worst pun of his career. 'Ein, zwei, drei, vier, thumped.' Okay, I smirked, briefly, I'll give you that one, Stevie.

Resisting the urge to watch Top Gear instead of this match (I recorded it for later) and chose to stick with the footie. And I'm really glad I did. Mexico almost scored twice in the opening ten minutes, including an amazing moment when Carlos Salcido hit the bar from distance. Then, to match the earlier controversy in the England game, we got some here too. Messi put Tevez clear but Oscar Perez came out and got their first. The ball rebounded back to Messi, who chipped it goalwards. Tevez, who was yards offside, headed it in. Despite Mexican protests the goal was given. Then the referee appeared to confer with his assistant when the incident was replayed on the huge screens at Soccer City Stadium and they both clearly saw that they'd got it wrong. However, they refused to change their minds and the goal stood. Are you watching Mr Blatter? Straight from the restart, Mexico's Rafael Marquez became the first man into referee Rosetti's book after catching Messi late, the Mexicans still clearly having a massive tortilla chip on their collective shoulder over the goal. Then, Ricardo Osorio had a complete nightmare passing a loose ball across defence without looking, and promptly played in Gonzalo Higuain, who couldn't believe his luck and rounded the keeper before slotting home.

At half-time we got a further impassioned plea for the use of technology from Alan Hansen before the incredible sight of a bunch of England players, clearly in denial, talking about having' dominated' the first twenty minutes of their game. Were playing in the same match we were watching?

Meanwhile, back in J'burg, we'd seen the first half end with a right bit of rive-on and, amazingly, Maradona trying to act as peacemaker between two very stroppy sets of players and the potential for kids getting sparked and all sorts. It was quite a sight. In the second half, Tevez got another - a beauty. No argument about that one. Mexico did pull one back with twenty minutes left - another cracker from Javier Hernandez - but I missed that one. I'd gone to Top Gear for a few moments. Well, hippies and Communists hate it so it must be doing something right. Messi almost added a fourth in the final moments but Perez made a fine save. So, it's the Argies and Ze Chermans in the quarters. Again.

Goals: 116
Red Cards: 13