Post-World Cup Meltdown

Five thousand unsold gold-plated Frank Lampard iPods are to be melted down following England's dismal World Cup flop. The Moscow Chelski FC midfielder teamed up with Dragons' Den firm Goldgenie to launch the twenty four-carat iPod Touch, costing up to six hundred smackers. Which is about twenty minutes wages for Lampard if you're counting. But now bosses at the company are set to salvage the gold from all of the remaining iPods, which feature Lampard's laser-etched signature on the back. Goldgenie, backed by James Caan, is said to be planning to rebrand them with childrens' cartoon character Hello Kitty. A source told the Sun: 'It's not exactly melting down - it's a chemical process. But basically Goldgenie are recovering all the gold so they can use it again. They thought loads of people would want them during the World Cup but the backlash against England was so bad that they've had to scrap the whole thing.' Inarticulate, permanently-bewildered-looking Lampard - thirty two and currently dating Christine Bleakley - launched the sixty fourGB gold-plated iPod at Harrods in May. A spokesman for the footballer said: 'Frank donated all his royalties on the sale of the iPods to the Teenage Cancer Trust. He also made an up-front donation to the charity. It's disappointing the iPods have not reached sales targets as Frank wanted to help the TCT for which he's a patron.' A Goldgenie spokesman said: 'We may have over-ordered due to World Cup hopes, but that's no reflection on Frank's popularity.' Oh, I'd've said it very much is, actually.

Oh, Sol A Magpie (Again)

Newcastle United have completed the signing of defender Sol Campbell on a one-year contract. The former England international had been a free agent after his deal with Arsenal ran out this summer. 'At this stage of my career I couldn't have wished for a better move,' the thirty five-year-old told Newcastle's official website. 'To join a club such as Newcastle, with it's proud tradition, heritage and magnificent support, is absolutely tremendous for me.' In signing Campbell, Newcastle have fought off reported interest from Sunderland, Celtic and Arsenal, who were apparently keen to retain the player's services after he rejoined them midway through last season. He becomes manager Chris Hughton's third summer signing following the arrivals of Dan Gosling and James Perch from Everton and Nottingham Forest respectively. Newcastle are preparing for their return to the Premier League after one season in the Championship. And, despite some good young players coming through, their squad still looks woefully short of both experience and, frankly, numbers. So, to be honest, any signing is a good signing right aobut now. 'I'd like to thank Chris Hughton for putting his faith in me and aim to repay him and the supporters by giving everything I possibly can to help re-establish this great club in the top tier of English football,' added Campbell, who has been given squad number five. 'I just want to play and can't wait to get started. There's a real buzz about the place and that's great. I've played at St James' Park numerous times and always found it a fantastic place to play, there's always a tremendous atmosphere. Chris will focus everyone together and get the team ready for the season. It's nice seeing [assistant manager] Colin Calderwood too, having played with him at Tottenham.' Hughton was a coach at Spurs when Campbell was coming up through the ranks at his first club. 'I have known Sol since he was a lad and am fully aware of what he has to offer,' stated Hughton. 'That is experience, quality, calm assurance and leadership. He's a dedicated professional, a terrific addition to the squad and I look forward to working with him again.' Hughton is keen to strengthen his defence as the club wait to discover the extent of Steven Taylor's shoulder injury. The highly-rated Taylor is set to miss the start of the Premier League campaign at least, with Newcastle's first game being at Manchester United on 16 August. However, there are fears - not expressed by the club, but in various parts of the media - that he could be sidelined for 'several months.' Campbell, who recently returned from his honeymoon after being married in Northumberland earlier this month, made eleven appearances for Arsenal last season after clinching a move in January. It was his second spell with the Gunners, whom he initially joined from north London rivals Tottenham in a highly controversial move in 2001 that still tends to cause a few curled lips down White Hart Lane. He won two Premier League titles and three FA Cups with Arsenal before joining Portsmouth, with whom he also won the FA Cup in 2008. He began last season with League Two side Notts County but left the club by mutual consent in September 2009 after having played just once for the (other) Magpies. A former England captain, Campbell has seventy three international caps to his name. Great player in his time, of course. I guess it's just a question of how much he still wants it.

Moscow Chelski FC In Holden McGroyn Shock

Sulky-if-a-bit-brilliant Moscow Chelski FC striker Didier Drogba is likely to miss the start of the season after undergoing a groin operation. The club described the procedure performed on the Cote D'Ivoire international as 'minimally invasive.' Which is meaningless. It is expected that Drogba, thirty two (but, with a mental age of six), will return to full training in about three weeks. That estimate would, however, put him out of the Charity Shield match against The Scum on 8 August and the start of the Premier League campaign a week later. A short statement on Chelsea's official website said that Drogba had been troubled by a groin injury for part of last season and the decision to have the operation on Friday was intended to 'optimise his rehabilitation.' Or, 'fix it' as we normal people say. Drogba has been a prolific scorer for Chelsea since joining them from French club Olympique Marseille in July 2004 for a reported fee of twenty four million smackers and was on target thirty seven times for his club during the 2009-10 season to help London's only Russian club to a first Premier League and FA Cup Double. He then went to the World Cup with the Cote D'Ivoire squad and despite fracturing his right arm in a pre-tournament warm-up game, played in all three group matches wearing a protective cast. Drogba scored in the 3-1 defeat by Brazil as Les Elephants failed to progress to the last sixteen. Chelsea have a series of injury concerns ahead of the new Premier League campaign, which they will begin with a home match against newly promoted West Bromwich Albion on 14 August. New signing Yossi Benayoun also has a groin problem - maybe it's contagious - first-choice goalkeeper Petr Cech is expected to be out for about a month because of a calf injury and defender Alex hurt his thigh in training. Chelsea's defender Ricardo Carvalho has, in effect, issued a 'come and get me, big boys' plea by saying it would be 'a dream' to join his former boss, Jose Mourinho, at Real Madrid. 'If there was a possibility to sign with Real Madrid, I would go there right now swimming or running,' he said in an interview published Saturday in Spanish sports newspaper AS. Some - minimal - tough times ahead at Torpedo Stamford Bridge, perhaps?

Ou Est Les Team, Nes Pas?

The French Football Federation has suspended all twenty three members of France's World Cup squad for their next game. New national coach Laurent Blanc requested that no member of the squad be selected for a friendly against Norway in Oslo on 11 August. France failed to win any of their three group games in South Africa. The campaign included players boycotting training in support of Nicolas Anelka, who was sent home for insulting coach Raymond Domenech. The sanction means France's opening qualifier for Euro 2012, at home to Belarus on 3 September, will be the first opportunity for any of the twenty three to feature in a Blanc squad. Blanc said: 'I obviously cannot act as if nothing had happened in South Africa. I followed the events with sadness, I was disappointed with the sporting results and I was shocked by certain behaviours. I will integrate these elements into my analysis and my thoughts. I always had the principles, rules of conduct and not just in my sporting life. They have not changed and I will not change.' The crisis that engulfed Domenech's last tournament as national coach resulted in the resignation of FFF president Jean-Pierre Escalettes, with his successor due to be unveiled on Friday. The one-day training strike, on 20 June, came after Chelsea forward Anelka was sent home from the tournament following a heated exchange with Domenech at half-time during the defeat to Mexico on 17 June. France captain, Patrice Evra, accused a 'traitor' within the party of leaking details of Anelka's rant to the media and of destabilising the squad, and the skipper was then seen arguing with fitness coach Robert Duverne at the start of the scheduled training session. Duverne stormed off the training ground and the players headed for their bus and refused to train, leaving Domenech to read a statement to the press on their behalf. Former France defenders Lilian Thuram and Marcel Desailly called for Evra to be banned from national team duty over his part in the insurrection and Escalettes took a similar stance. But Blanc said upon his unveiling as Domenech's successor: 'It is not for me to decide on sanctions. I am not the bogeyman. If I consider they are the best players in their position, I will take them.' Meanwhile, goalkeeper Hugo Lloris has admitted that the decision to strike was 'completely stupid.' The Lyon star told French sports newspaper L'Equipe: 'We acted as a team. To strike was the decision of a squad who felt lonely, who believed that no-one had stood up for them and who had a message to convey. We went too far. It was a very awkward decision, a big mistake. It was completely stupid. But there were so many problems. We all want to improve the image of Les Bleus. We must make all possible effort, give everything. It's important for us. We must go back to basics - respect for the jersey, of course, the team and the institution of France. We have a great desire that what happened in South Africa should not happen again, that there should be no self-destruction like that any more.'

A Legal Matter

For anyone who watched England's very dispiriting World Cup campaign recently but imagined that better times were just around the corner, this afternoon on EuroSport they were given a very rude awakening from their rank denial. England were frustrated as they went down 1-0 to the Netherlands in their second game in Group A of the UEFA Under-19 Championship in France. Steven Berghuis' sixth-minute header settled the match in favour of the young Oranj. Noel Blake's England side could, perhaps, have felt somewhat unlucky after Aston Villa's Nathan Delfouneso saw a second-half strike disallowed when he was erroneously adjudged to have handled the ball. But, in truth the England side, featuring the cream of teenage talent in this country, were a woeful second best to a team with far more skill and class about them. England battled hard and could clearly run all day but, frequently, they resorted to a depressing long ball game - hoofing the ball down field towards the strikers and bypassing midfield completely. The Dutch keeper, Jeroen Zoet, was lucky to see the ball rebound wide of the post when he charged out of his area and cleared against Frank Nouble but the win was no more than the Netherlands deserved, with their flying wide man, Jerson Cabral, particularly impressive for Wim van Zvam's team as England's backline looked shaky throughout. In the day's other game in the group, Antoine Griezmann and substitute Alexandre Lacazette scored twice each as the hosts, France, hammered Austria 5-0 to all but secure their qualification for the semi-finals.

Two French international footballers have been charged with having sex with an under-age prostitute. Franck Ribery, twenty seven, and Karim Benzema, twenty two, who have both been linked with moves to Premier League clubs, could face up to three years in jail if the case goes to trial. The indictments are the first stage of an investigation launched by magistrates intent on cracking down on an alleged celebrity vice-ring in Paris. Detectives bugged the Zaman Cafe, a pricey nightclub just off the Champs Elysees, which they suspected of giving clients access to minors working as call girls. Four people - including the club's owner, a waiter and a man suspected of pimping girls to celebrities and sportsmen - have been placed under investigation and could also face trial. Ribery, whose twenty two-year-old brother has also been charged in the sting, arrived at the Palace of Justice in Paris in handcuffs but was freed without preconditions after the hearing. His lawyer Sophie Bottai expressed surprise at the charge, saying: 'The only thing that's new since the last time he was questioned is that the World Cup is over and he played badly. There's not a single element of physical proof,' she added. 'This woman told them she was of age, was all made up, dressed up, appeared very switched on.' The Bayern Munich winger has never denied paying for sex with the young woman at the centre of the scandal, Zahia Dehar, who is now eighteen years and four months old. Adult prostitution is in itself legal in France, but pimping, solicitation and running organised vice networks are banned. The country's general age of consent is fifteen years, but in the case of prostitution a young person remains legally a minor until he or she reaches eighteen.

The International Football Association Board says that Champions League games will have two extra assistant referees next year. The system was tried in last season's Europa League and will be retained there and used in Europe's elite club competition for the next two years. The refereeing experiment will allow FIFA to take a decision on its' long-term viability in 2012. Goal-line technology will be discussed at the IFAB's next meeting in October. Other tournaments in Asia and South America will also try out the extra officials system. FIFA president Sepp Blatter has long been a staunch opponent of using technology to help referees make decisions, but the outcry over high-profile mistakes such as Frank Lampard's disallowed goal in England's World Cup loss to Germany seem to have caused a softening of the official stance. FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke told BBC Sport the Lampard incident, where the ball hit the underside of the bar and clearly came down over the line, before bouncing away and no goal being given, had been 'a bad day' for tournament organisers. He also said the 2010 World Cup would be the last 'under the current refereeing system,' without giving further specific details.

Silvio Berlusconi contrived to put Milan's new coach Massimiliano Allegri in the shade by publicly demanding his team play with more than one striker this coming season. In an extraordinary news conference on the first day of pre-season training, the Italian prime minister and Milan owner fielded every question and left Allegri and several team members to sit in silence. Berlusconi told the new coach what tactics he should use after falling out with last season's coach, Leonardo, as Milan again ended the campaign without a trophy. 'We don't want to see just one forward up front. To win you have to score. To have chances you've got to have forwards close to the goal,' Berlusconi said. 'I appreciated Leonardo a lot but I disagreed with him in how he fielded the team. Ronaldinho must play on the shoulder of the strikers even if he has a tendency to drift left.' Ronaldinho has been linked in the media with a move away from the club but Berlusconi was adamant the playmaker was staying. 'He is the number one attraction at Milan,' he said, 'Ronaldinho does not want to leave. I'm sure he is happy to stay.' The futures of Gennaro Gattuso and Klaas Jan Huntelaar look less certain. 'I would be happy for Gattuso to stay but we are not against people saying they want to leave,' Berlusconi said. 'We can't exclude [the sale of Huntelaar] even if we are convinced of his qualities as a main striker.' The seventy three-year-old, who arrived by helicopter, welcomed the new signings Mario Yepes, Marco Amelia and Sokratis Papastathopoulos but was lukewarm over the prospect of luring the Barcelona striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic back to Italian football. 'I don't know how well he'd fit into the Milan dressing room,' he said of the former Internazionale player.

So, you thought Steve Bruce knew what he was doing when it came to central defenders, did you? Big Titus Bramble is, apparently, set to undergo a medical at Sunderland as he looks to seal a move from Wigan. The two clubs are reported to have agreed a fee in the region of one million pounds and, although personal terms are yet to be finalised, talks are said to be ongoing. If Bramble passes his medical he could fly out to join the rest of manager Bruce's squad in Portugal where they are currently in pre-season training. The twenty nine-year-old former Ipswich Town and Newcastle United player missed the end of last season with a foot injury. He had initially been expected to be sidelined for fourteen weeks but said recently that he was ahead of schedule in his race to be fit for the start of the season on 14 August. Bramble began his career with home-town club Ipswich, making his first-team debut in 1998 and helping them to a fifth-place finish in the Premier League and a spot in the UEFA Cup in 2001. The following season, however, Town were relegated from the top flight and Bramble, who had twelve England Under-21 caps, moved to Newcastle. The wisdom of buying the centre half from a team which had just gone down whilst conceding sixty four goals wasn't questioned when Sir Bobby Robson paid six million pounds for Bramble in July 2002. The player went on to make over one hundred appearances for the Magpies. And also, make about a hundred defensive errors - roughly one-per-match - almost all of which seemed to result in goals against his club. Some of them were laughably memorable ... unless you had the misfortune to be a supporter of the club in question. In which case, they're merely painful. At the end of the 2003–04 season, readers of the football e-mail newsletter The Fiver voted Bramble - nicknamed by some of his more unkind critics as Titus Shambles - as 'the worst player of the year in the English Premiership.' One reader wrote: 'Titus's occasional flash of brilliance is heavily outweighed by the total inability to think before attempting what inevitably turns into a hashed clearance, a mistimed tackle, an own goal or a penalty for the opposition.' To be fair, most Toonies really wanted Titus to succeed and, for a couple of years gave him far more support than he deserved. And, in odd flashes, he did seem to have the makings of a decent enough defender. Ultimately, though, after a while that one-calamitous-mistake-per-game ratio looked like sticking with him for the rest of his career and many wrote the lad off as a tryer but a bit of a plank. Built like a brick outhouse but with the touch of a hippo and the grace of a giraffe-on-ice, Bramble was subsequently highly critical of Newcastle's supporters - the people who, remember, had paid his, highly inflated, wages for the previous five years - following his transfer to Wigan in 2007. 'Maybe I should have moved on from Newcastle to get first-team football earlier,' he said. 'The Newcastle fans aren't as good as everybody says.' Nice. The feeling was, trust me, entirely mutual. So, it'll be interesting to see what sort of reception Big Titus gets from the Gallowgate on 31 October if he returns to St James with, of all people, the Mackems. Football supporters do tend to have rather long memories when it comes to being insulted by former players. Particularly those with - genuinely - as little reason for feel hard-done-by as yer man Titus Bramble.

Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine

Newcastle striker Andy Carroll says that he is proud to have been handed the famous number nine shirt at St James' Park. Carroll, twenty one, follows in the footsteps of Tyneside heroes Albert Shepherd, Hughie Gallagher, Albert Stubbins, Jackie Milburn, Len White, Wyn Davies, Malcolm MacDonald, Chris Waddle, Davie Kelly, Alan Cole, Les Ferdinand and Alan Shearer among many others in wearing nine for the Magpies. 'I'm immensely proud. It's an unbelievable feeling,' Carroll told the club's official website. 'Alan Shearer was my idol as a young lad and who would have thought I'd be following in his footsteps?' The highly-rated Carroll became a first-team regular for Newcastle last season, scoring nineteen goals as Chris Hughton's side won the Championship title to secure an immediate return to the Premier League. 'It's every young Geordie lad's dream to be a Newcastle United number nine and I'm so lucky to be given that chance,' he added. 'It's an opportunity I relish and intend doing my utmost to do the shirt proud. When you look at the fantastic players down the years who have worn the shirt, it sends shivers down your spine. It's amazing. Having grown up following and watching the team I'm obviously aware of the great tradition the number nine shirt holds. It's probably unique in football in that sense and to be wearing it is incredible.' Nigerian international Obafemi Martins, who left the Magpies for Wolfsburg in August 2009, was the last player to wear the nine shirt the canny Toon.

Meanwhile, Chris Hughton has revealed that, contrary to confusing reports coming out of the club, he does have cash to spend on players but the Magpies must get value for money in any transfer dealings. Hughton is preparing for life back in the Premier League after impressively guiding the Magpies to Championship success last term. While Newcastle owner Mike Ashley insisted in May that were would be no 'new capital spend' on players, Hughton now says there will be cash to strengthen his squad. But he wants to follow the examples of Birmingham and Wolves, who stayed up last term with. largely, the squads that got them promoted the year before. The Newcastle boss told the Daily Mirror: 'We have players from the last time we were in the Premier League who have improved and will be better players.' They've also got rid of many of the spineless, cowardly, play-when-they-fancy-it shits who got them relegated in the first place. I like Hughton - he's not, perhaps, the best orator in football but last year when everybody else was losing their water and doing jazz hands about what a 'fiasco' the club was in danger of becoming, he was the one bloke who kept his head, got the players together and pulling in the same direction and managed, somehow, to produce a team that weren't always pretty but got the necessary results. There's been much speculation in the tabloid scum press this summer that Hughton is, effectively, being set-up as the fall guy for United's next relegation battle. I've certainly heard that said, not least by Shaun Curtis on an episode of Sky's Soccer Supplement a few weeks ago. Personally, I think this massively misreads the respect with which he's held by many United fans who consider him to be the man that, effectively, saved us from going straight into the third level of English football. That buys him time that others may not have been given. 'We have to get the right tactics and continue some of the feel we had last season. Birmingham and Wolves did well with the squads largely that got them promoted. Having said that, yes, there is money to spend. Newcastle is in a different place to where we were a few years ago. The sums we had to spend then are not there any more. We have to be careful and get value for money. I expect players to come in before the end of the summer.' Hughton also warned Toon fans to keep their feet on the ground as he seeks to re-establish the Magpies as a Premier League force once more. He added: 'It would be silly to say I can see us challenge in the next year or couple of years. I have to be realistic. One year ago we were plying our trade in a lower division. It has to be a growing progress. We have to become a steady member of the top flight.' In other words, no more idiotic vanity signings of mercenary arseholes like Michael Owen. Good. I think most Toonies are quite realistic these days and are right behind such a sensible, and well-articulated policy. I think if you took a straw poll right now among Magpie fans and asked what they'd regard as a 'successful' season for next year, most would say 'fourth bottom and avoiding relegation.' That has to be the first priority for any promoted club. And, as Birmingham and Wolves proved last year, and others have in previous years, it's certainly not impossible. It's just a pity the rank morons who actually run the club couldn't have said all this common sense stuff three months ago, instead of issuing their confusing and provocative 'statement' in May. But, then again, what do you expect from glakes like Ashley and Llambias who still, to this day, haven't even bothered to actually thank the public - and specifically the forty three thousand plus average crowd - for their continued support last season when they had no right to expect it and even less right to actually deserve it? Forty three thousand three hundred and twenty six to be exact. A higher average crowd than Chelsea's. Just a hundred people short of Liverpool's. Thousands more than Sunderland's, and Villa's, and Tottenham's, and all those other 'hotbeds of football' around the country safely in the upper reaches of the Premier League. A 'thank you' might be quite nice, Mr Ashley. You know, if you're not too busy that is.

We're Back!

Second half goals from Leon Best (his first for the club) and teenage strikers Nile Ranger and Haris Vučkić saw yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved - though still, seemingly, unsellable - Newcastle United get off to a winning start against Carlisle in their first pre-season game for 2010-11. After a goalless first half, which saw Peter Løvenkrands have a shot stopped on the line and Steve Harper and the woodwork deny Ian Harte, the game came to life after the break. However something of a dampener was put on the victory as defender Steven Taylor, making his first appearance since January, was forced off in the final ten minutes with what appeared to be a shoulder injury. Taylor missed the second half of last season firstly with a knee injury and then with a broken jaw. It is the second time that a pre-season Brunton Part jinx has struck United - three years ago Joey Barton, making his Newcastle debut, broke his metatarsal in a corresponding fixture and missed the first three months of the following season.

An excellent crowd of over seven thousand - swelled by three thosuand travelling supporters - turned out at Brunton Park as Newcastle's manager, Chris Hughton, named a strong starting line up including Alan Smith as captain in midfield partnering last year's Player of the Year Kevin Nolan. The real stand-out performer, however, was Wayne Routledge. The winger injected some much-needed pace and craft into a sluggish Newcastle midfield after Hughton's numerous half-time changes. United's next match is another friendly with recently promoted Norwich City at the Carrow Road next Saturday.

Not Early Enough Retirement

Aston Villa substitute Emile Heskey has announced his retirement from international football effective immediately.

This will, presumably, come a considerable surprise to most England supporters who thought that he'd already done that seven or eight years ago.

Uncle Johan And Anti-Football

Johan Cruyff has launched a scathing attack on the Netherlands' performance in their 1-0 defeat to Spain in the World Cup final last night, criticising their 'dirty' tactics and their style of 'anti-football.' Cruyff was at the heart of the Dutch team that earned a reputation of playing what was described as Total Football in the 1970s, and the pioneer of the style that earned the Dutch the reputation of being a joy to watch. The current Netherlands team played in a style that was the antithesis of that last night and a disappointed Cruyff admits it saddened him to witness their thuggery. 'On Thursday they asked me from Holland "Can we play like Inter? Can we stop Spain in the same way Mourinho eliminated Barça?"' Cruyff told El Periódico, in reference to the way Internazionale defended their way to a Champions League semi-final victory over Barcelona. 'I said no, no way at all. I said no, not because I hate this style – I said no because I thought that my country wouldn't dare to and would never renounce their style. I said no because, without having great players like those of the past, the team has its own style. I was wrong. Of course I'm not hanging all elven of them by the same rope, but almost. They didn't want the ball. And regrettably, sadly, they played very dirty. So much so that they should have been down to nine immediately, then they made two [such] ugly and hard tackles that even I felt the damage. It hurts me that I was wrong in my disagreement that instead Holland chose an ugly path to aim for the title. This ugly, vulgar, hard, hermetic, hardly eye-catching, hardly football style, yes it served the Dutch to unsettle Spain. If with this they got satisfaction, fine, but they ended up losing. They were playing anti-football.' Cruyff has also joined in with the criticism of the referee, Howard Webb, who has been heavily attacked for the way he managed last night's stormy game. Webb dished out fourteen yellow cards – including two to send off the Dutch defender John Heitinga – but Cruyff believes he could have been even firmer, and should have shown a red card for Nigel de Jong's karate kick to the chest of Xabi Alonso as well as handing a second booking to Arjen Robben for kicking the ball away. Cruyff added: 'When we say, often, that we do not like talking about referees, it is true and, above all, because only refereeing like that last night by the Englishman Howard Webb can create in us a state of such indignation that then, yes, it is necessary to comment. Because you can referee wrongly, make a mistake, but what you cannot do is create your own sense of justice and, even worse, invent a very personal application of the rules. Not only did he not send off two Dutchmen but he also looked the other way at times when he should have involved himself. A World Cup final deserves great refereeing and, above all, deserves a referee who dares to do everything it means to be a judge.'

World Cup Diary - Day 31: Here's Where The Story Ends.

The Netherlands v Spain
Ontspanje. That's a Dutch word meaning, essentially, 'relax.' But also, more literally, it means 'De Spain.' Significant! And, with that linguistic example of rank cleverness, welcome to the end of the world. Gary Lineker, in the thoroughly tasteful suit and tie, kicked-off the BBC coverage with lovely little montage of the tournament's memorable moments with an Alabama Three soundtrack. Tasty. Lee Dixon then claimed that when he met Nelson Mandela and shook his hand sme years ago, 'shivers went down my spine.' I'd get that checked out by a doctor if I were, mate, it could be polio. The two Alans and Dicko were also, like Gary, besuited. And looked very nice. Clarence Seedorf, meanwhile, was wearing a bright orange replica kit and making no bones about whom he was supporting (he added a nice scarf at half time when it was clearly getting a bit chilly up on the gantry). I couldn't tell you what the shower on ITV were up to. I'd made my choice. In fact, they made it for me.

Early highlights of the BBC coverage included a brief bit of the opening ceremony with Nelson looking a bit bewildered but smiling in all the right places, at least. And then, one of the great meeting-of-mind moments of the World Cup, Garth Crooks interviewing Howard Webb. The Beeb picked out an England flag in the crowd with 'can't Play, can't Ref' on it. By the end, a lot of Dutchmen would be agreeing with that. Shearer - never Howard Webb's biggest fan - said 'Team spirit and organisation has taken the Dutch to this final. Take Wesley Sneijder out of their team and they don't have any other really great players.' I think Arjen Robben might have something to say about that, pal. But, you kind of knew what he meant. Garth did a superb interview with Rudi Krol who seemed terrifically confident. Jonathan Pearce produced a rather thoughtful little piece on changing Dutch attitudes to winning with, or without, style. But still the panel seemed to sniff at any vague suggestion that anyone other than Spain was going to walk this. 'I'm trying to build a case for the Netherlands to win the game and it's very difficult,' said Dixon. 'Spain are in such good form and their ability on the ball is unmatched. The Dutch do have match-winners in Arjen Robben, Wesley Sneijder and Robin van Persie, though - they'll need all three to turn it on for them to have a chance tonight.'

And so to the match. The BBC had gone for Guy Mowbray as their commentator, a bit of a surprise, perhaps, as Pearce had been widely expected to get it. He gave a poetic little flourish to begin with about destiny that brought something of a disgruntled 'humpf' from Mark Lawrenson beside him. What followed was a desperately disappointing first half. Spain were pretty on the ball - and had loads of it - but had no final pass and no penetration. The Dutch, on the other hand, just never got going at all. In the first fifteen minutes, they were all over the place but, then they seemed to buck their ideas up and go for Plan B. Kick the Spanish up a-height. And boy did they do that with some gusto. As for goals, they seemed to be waiting for Robben to have a moment of inspiration. One which never came. The game was niggly and littered with fouls. Howard Webb produced five yellow cards including two - for Van Bommel and De Jong - which might easily have been another colour. The latter's throat-high kung-fu-kick on Xabi Alonso had Lawrso producing the finest moment of the first half. 'I hope none of you are having your tea at home!' Guy Mowbray summed up the half thus: 'The game has lost its edge, lost its pace. The Netherlands have stopped Spain from dominating but they haven't taken control themselves. For me, the match is at a very iffy stage.' Two hopelessly missed chances just before the break at either end - from Mathijsen and Pedro - summed the half up even better.

Horrorshow.

Half-time was a succession of rants from Hansen ('total football? Total thuggery more like!') calmed down somewhat by more sensible comments from Shearer and Dixon. The Dutch, they noted, had realised that they couldn't, possibly, play Spain at the their own game so they'd gone for Plan B (or, is it C?). Stop them playing, by any means possible. And it was working. 'If this had been a group game, the Netherlands would probably already be down to nine men - at least,' noted Shearer. The second half was better although only marginally - not that you'd believe it if you listened to miserable old Hansen at the climax. I was very disappointed with Hansen tonight I must say - and I normally like him a lot. I thought his attitude was a fucking disgrace. He's whinged all the way through the match and made his favouritism crystal clear and I hate one-sided whingers more than I hate the Nazis. The other three, at least, made a token gesture of a bit of balance, which was far more inclusive and more fitting with the occasion. Anyway, there were more yellow cards, Spain tried to pass the sodding ball to death and the Dutch had a great chance when Robben got through one-on-one with Casillas but the Dutchie's arse fell out. David Villa had an even better chance but his shot from six yards was charged down by Heitinga. Into injury time, with other options available, Sneijder - who had a total nightmare of a game throughout - tried an ambitious shot from near the half-way line. And almost - almost but not quite - hit the corner flag. Desperate. Truly desperate. But, nowhere near the worst World cup final ever. I mean, not even in the same league as 1990 or 94!

Extra time: Suddenly, we had an open, end-to-end classic on our hands. Well, it got a bit better, anyway. Chances at both ends, last ditch tackles, outrageous dives. And that was just in the first five minutes! 'The first signs here that this is starting to open up' noted Mowbray. Fabregas had a great opportunity at one end, Robben a carbon copy of his earlier miss at the other. Still no goals. Lawrenson said he though this was the best period of the whole game and he was probably right. Iniesta missed. Time ticked onwards. Inevitably, with the number of cards that had been issued, you knew it wasn't going to end eleven-a-side and, sure enough, five minutes into the second half of extra time, Johnny Heitinga pulled back Iniesta on the edge of the box and took the long walk. Replays suggested the Spaniard had made a bit of a meal of it. A bit of a meal and desert and port and brandy afterwards. Then in the space of a couple of minutes, everything went wrong for the Dutch. A corner they should have had for a huge deflection, wasn't given, a foul against Elia wasn't given and, up at the other end immediately, the ball broke to Iniesta, who scored. Chaos ensued. Spain won - the better, more inventive side, undoubtedly. But, it was a rather downbeat and unfortunate end to a decent, but hardly vintage, tournament of some highs but more than a few lows.

Goals: 145
Red Cards: 16