Yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved - though still, seemingly, unsellable - Newcastle United achieved a rousing victory over Aston Villa in their first home game in the Premier League since their return to top-flight football. In front a crowd of almost forty four thousand, Joey Barton opened the proceedings with a screamer from twenty five-yards, whilst skipper Kevin Nolan scored two on the day. 
But it was the Tynesiders number nine, Andy Carroll, who stole the show with a sensational hat-trick. The Toon's boss Chris Hughton saw Peter Lovenkrands return to the fold after shaking off an ankle injury, but the Dane had to settle for a place on the bench. Defensive signing Sol Campbell also remained sidelined for this encounter owing to a lack of match fitness as did Danny Guthrie and long-term injury casualties Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson and new signing Dan Gosling. Villa's caretaker boss, Kevin MacDonald, had striker John Carew in the starting line-up despite the forward having an ongoing knee problem, while fellow forward Gabriel Agbonlahor was absent due to a hamstring injury. MacDonald also chose to hand new signing Stephen Ireland his debut for the club after the midfielder arrived from Manchester City earlier in the week. Newcastle's first home game following their return to the big boys league, and a sobering - albeit, in a way refreshing - 3-0 defeat at Old Trafford on Monday, began positively, with a clear idea of how to go about their movement in the attacking third of the pitch. But the visitors were no less an attacking force early on. And their efforts earned them a golden opportunity as midfielder Ashley Young was taken down by goalkeeper Steve Harper as he chased a long ball. The referee pointed to the spot, to Harper's evident fury, and Carew stepped up to take it. But it was a shocker of a spot kick for a player of his experience - going for power instead of placement - and the ball sailed harmlessly over the bar. Less than a minute later, Jonas Gutierrez passed to fellow midfielder Barton, who let loose a beautifully struck shot from twenty five yards, which flew past Brad Friedel into the top corner of the old onion bag. 
Game, as they say, very much on. Barton - seemingly enjoying his football again after three seasons of more or less constant injury, controversy, fall outs with managers, common assault and more than a bit of porridge - had declared that he would shave off his recently acquired Oswald Mosley-style moustache as soon as United recorded their first win of the season. So, you can get the Gillette Mac-III out tonight, Joey. At this point, a special mention must be made concerning about crass, ignorant and disgraceful, excrement-agenda smeared Mackem supporting scumbag Louise Taylor in the Gruniad Morning Star for trying to stir some shit up by suggesting that the comments of a few glakes on the Internet misinterpreting Barton's celebration as a right-wing salute constitutes a major controversy. Or, even a minor one. 'A glorious afternoon for Newcastle United, featuring a hat-trick from Andy Carroll, was overshadowed [my italics] by Joey Barton's questionable goal celebration today.' No it wasn't, you silly bag. Not even remotely close. To be fair, even the vile, rancid numskull Taylor - who already has quite a bit of previous over exactly this kind of vomit-flecked anti-Newcastle manure - wasn't alone in her scummish stirring. The Daily Scum Mail also got in on the act. What a lovely bedfellow to have, Louise, your mother must be so proud of you. In fact, that's about the only time you'll ever see those two excuses for newspapers agreeing on pretty much anything ... other than their mutual loathing for Top Gear. I never thought, or particularly wanted to, see the day when I'd quite literally be punching the air at a cross-section of Daily Scum Mail readers' replies to a story and seeing them calling it what it is, absolute rank diarrhoea. I particularly enjoyed 'Zayd of Cardiff's response: 'If this is twisted into a nazi salute then it shows how desperate the tabloids are for some controversy.' Again, my italics. And, you can add to 'tabloids' dreary leftie-scum broadsheets too, it would seem. Anyway, back to the match and a little past the thirty-minute mark, the home side doubled their lead when a great early cross by Jose Enrique saw Carroll head the ball it into the path of Nolan, who headed it towards goal. The attempt was blocked but the former Bolton Wanderers midfielder grabbed the rebound. The hosts went into cruise control after thirty four minutes, when a corner from Barton saw defender Richard Dunne make a mess of the clearance. This allowed Carroll, who'd had a very good first half to that point, to showcase his predatory skills by striking a low left-footed shot into the bottom corner. Villa had a decent amount of possession for a short period in the second half, when there appeared to be a lull in the storm. But the second city outfit were unable to capitalise on their possession, as it was only a few more minutes before they hit the rocks again. Though, they did provide the crowd with their best laugh of the day when, at four-nil down, their answer was to bring on Emile Heskey! Hilarious. A corner from Barton in the sixty eighth minute ended up with Mike Williamson lobbing the ball back into the box. Carroll took it brilliantly on the volley and scored from fifteen-yards out. Following the fourth goal, the Villains looked completely deflated and their arses fell out completely as United looked like they could score at every given opportunity. The impressive Wayne Routledge missed two glorious opportunities for the Magpies as those Toonies who'd made the sacrifice of having a pint at the pub in favour of egging their players on were treated to a special day at St James' Park. Nolan tried his luck from close range to find the back of the net for a second time and, to cap a perfect afternoon for the Magpies, twenty one year old Carroll bagged his third with a shot in stoppage time from a pass by substitute Xisco, as former Toon striking legends Alan Shearer and Malcolm MacDonald looked on in appreciation. Hughton's team may not be particularly pretty but, for today at least today, they looked streetwise and up for it, Andy Carroll bullying Richard Dunne and co into the white flag of submission en-route to a hat-trick in exactly the same way he bullied a lot of Championship defences last season. All on a day when Villa simply, and quite shamefully, surrendered in the late summer sunshine. There is a feeling around St James' that Alan Smith may soon be surplus to requirements, especially as Hughton had today completed the signing of Cheick Tioté, the Ivory Coast defensive midfielder, from the Dutch champions, FC Twente. 
Tioté still requires a work permit but securing it is expected to be a formality. However, Smith had a fine match today as did Jonas Gutierrez - heavily criticised by Shaun Custis on this morning's Soccer Supplement after an ineffectual performance at Old Trafford. Mind you, Custis - that worst of creatures an exiled Georide in London with a crappy misty-eyed nostalgia for a place he couldn't wait to get away from in the first place - also had a go at Nolan who was probably the best player on the park today. So he clearly knows nowt! The six-nil victory for United followed Chelsea and Arsenal demolishing their opponents - Wigan Athletic and Blackpool respectively - by the same scoreline yesterday. Of course, as always in such circumstances, the inevitable question is were United really that good or was it Villa who were that spineless and wretched? Or, was it a bit of both? To be honest, I can't give you a short answer on that one, dear blog reader. Probably it was a bit of both. I only know that at the start of the season I'd've taken a fourth bottom finish for my club and avoidance of relegation like a shot. This afternoon, I'm starting to think of upping my ambitions for the season. To fifth bottom, at least! The result leaves United in seventh place in Premiership. Okay, can we just stop the season now, that'd certainly do me! As the Daily Mash did a brilliant send up of the whole thing, I'm just concentrating on the fact that we've got three points from two games. Another thirty seven of those and we'll be safe from relegation. Priorities, gentlemen. Always priorities.
One additional point: As previously mentioned, dear blog reader, yer Keith Telly Topping always used to have something of a soft spot for the Villa - along with Man City and Everton - but, a couple of years ago, I had the extreme misfortune to cross paths with a couple of their more gobby shitescum lice supporters on an Internet message board who had crawled out from under a stone and had plenty to say for themselves about other clubs many faults. Of course, when Villa themselves subsequently had a bit of a bad run, like most crass Internet bullies, they promptly shat in their own pants and ran an effing mile. To such an extent that since that day, hoping the Villa get a ruddy damned good shafting off whomsoever they're playing is always one of the first things this blogger looks for, hopefully, each weekend. So, as you can probably tell, I'm an extra specially happy Mag today.
But it was the Tynesiders number nine, Andy Carroll, who stole the show with a sensational hat-trick. The Toon's boss Chris Hughton saw Peter Lovenkrands return to the fold after shaking off an ankle injury, but the Dane had to settle for a place on the bench. Defensive signing Sol Campbell also remained sidelined for this encounter owing to a lack of match fitness as did Danny Guthrie and long-term injury casualties Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson and new signing Dan Gosling. Villa's caretaker boss, Kevin MacDonald, had striker John Carew in the starting line-up despite the forward having an ongoing knee problem, while fellow forward Gabriel Agbonlahor was absent due to a hamstring injury. MacDonald also chose to hand new signing Stephen Ireland his debut for the club after the midfielder arrived from Manchester City earlier in the week. Newcastle's first home game following their return to the big boys league, and a sobering - albeit, in a way refreshing - 3-0 defeat at Old Trafford on Monday, began positively, with a clear idea of how to go about their movement in the attacking third of the pitch. But the visitors were no less an attacking force early on. And their efforts earned them a golden opportunity as midfielder Ashley Young was taken down by goalkeeper Steve Harper as he chased a long ball. The referee pointed to the spot, to Harper's evident fury, and Carew stepped up to take it. But it was a shocker of a spot kick for a player of his experience - going for power instead of placement - and the ball sailed harmlessly over the bar. Less than a minute later, Jonas Gutierrez passed to fellow midfielder Barton, who let loose a beautifully struck shot from twenty five yards, which flew past Brad Friedel into the top corner of the old onion bag. 
Game, as they say, very much on. Barton - seemingly enjoying his football again after three seasons of more or less constant injury, controversy, fall outs with managers, common assault and more than a bit of porridge - had declared that he would shave off his recently acquired Oswald Mosley-style moustache as soon as United recorded their first win of the season. So, you can get the Gillette Mac-III out tonight, Joey. At this point, a special mention must be made concerning about crass, ignorant and disgraceful, excrement-agenda smeared Mackem supporting scumbag Louise Taylor in the Gruniad Morning Star for trying to stir some shit up by suggesting that the comments of a few glakes on the Internet misinterpreting Barton's celebration as a right-wing salute constitutes a major controversy. Or, even a minor one. 'A glorious afternoon for Newcastle United, featuring a hat-trick from Andy Carroll, was overshadowed [my italics] by Joey Barton's questionable goal celebration today.' No it wasn't, you silly bag. Not even remotely close. To be fair, even the vile, rancid numskull Taylor - who already has quite a bit of previous over exactly this kind of vomit-flecked anti-Newcastle manure - wasn't alone in her scummish stirring. The Daily Scum Mail also got in on the act. What a lovely bedfellow to have, Louise, your mother must be so proud of you. In fact, that's about the only time you'll ever see those two excuses for newspapers agreeing on pretty much anything ... other than their mutual loathing for Top Gear. I never thought, or particularly wanted to, see the day when I'd quite literally be punching the air at a cross-section of Daily Scum Mail readers' replies to a story and seeing them calling it what it is, absolute rank diarrhoea. I particularly enjoyed 'Zayd of Cardiff's response: 'If this is twisted into a nazi salute then it shows how desperate the tabloids are for some controversy.' Again, my italics. And, you can add to 'tabloids' dreary leftie-scum broadsheets too, it would seem. Anyway, back to the match and a little past the thirty-minute mark, the home side doubled their lead when a great early cross by Jose Enrique saw Carroll head the ball it into the path of Nolan, who headed it towards goal. The attempt was blocked but the former Bolton Wanderers midfielder grabbed the rebound. The hosts went into cruise control after thirty four minutes, when a corner from Barton saw defender Richard Dunne make a mess of the clearance. This allowed Carroll, who'd had a very good first half to that point, to showcase his predatory skills by striking a low left-footed shot into the bottom corner. Villa had a decent amount of possession for a short period in the second half, when there appeared to be a lull in the storm. But the second city outfit were unable to capitalise on their possession, as it was only a few more minutes before they hit the rocks again. Though, they did provide the crowd with their best laugh of the day when, at four-nil down, their answer was to bring on Emile Heskey! Hilarious. A corner from Barton in the sixty eighth minute ended up with Mike Williamson lobbing the ball back into the box. Carroll took it brilliantly on the volley and scored from fifteen-yards out. Following the fourth goal, the Villains looked completely deflated and their arses fell out completely as United looked like they could score at every given opportunity. The impressive Wayne Routledge missed two glorious opportunities for the Magpies as those Toonies who'd made the sacrifice of having a pint at the pub in favour of egging their players on were treated to a special day at St James' Park. Nolan tried his luck from close range to find the back of the net for a second time and, to cap a perfect afternoon for the Magpies, twenty one year old Carroll bagged his third with a shot in stoppage time from a pass by substitute Xisco, as former Toon striking legends Alan Shearer and Malcolm MacDonald looked on in appreciation. Hughton's team may not be particularly pretty but, for today at least today, they looked streetwise and up for it, Andy Carroll bullying Richard Dunne and co into the white flag of submission en-route to a hat-trick in exactly the same way he bullied a lot of Championship defences last season. All on a day when Villa simply, and quite shamefully, surrendered in the late summer sunshine. There is a feeling around St James' that Alan Smith may soon be surplus to requirements, especially as Hughton had today completed the signing of Cheick Tioté, the Ivory Coast defensive midfielder, from the Dutch champions, FC Twente. 
Tioté still requires a work permit but securing it is expected to be a formality. However, Smith had a fine match today as did Jonas Gutierrez - heavily criticised by Shaun Custis on this morning's Soccer Supplement after an ineffectual performance at Old Trafford. Mind you, Custis - that worst of creatures an exiled Georide in London with a crappy misty-eyed nostalgia for a place he couldn't wait to get away from in the first place - also had a go at Nolan who was probably the best player on the park today. So he clearly knows nowt! The six-nil victory for United followed Chelsea and Arsenal demolishing their opponents - Wigan Athletic and Blackpool respectively - by the same scoreline yesterday. Of course, as always in such circumstances, the inevitable question is were United really that good or was it Villa who were that spineless and wretched? Or, was it a bit of both? To be honest, I can't give you a short answer on that one, dear blog reader. Probably it was a bit of both. I only know that at the start of the season I'd've taken a fourth bottom finish for my club and avoidance of relegation like a shot. This afternoon, I'm starting to think of upping my ambitions for the season. To fifth bottom, at least! The result leaves United in seventh place in Premiership. Okay, can we just stop the season now, that'd certainly do me! As the Daily Mash did a brilliant send up of the whole thing, I'm just concentrating on the fact that we've got three points from two games. Another thirty seven of those and we'll be safe from relegation. Priorities, gentlemen. Always priorities.One additional point: As previously mentioned, dear blog reader, yer Keith Telly Topping always used to have something of a soft spot for the Villa - along with Man City and Everton - but, a couple of years ago, I had the extreme misfortune to cross paths with a couple of their more gobby shitescum lice supporters on an Internet message board who had crawled out from under a stone and had plenty to say for themselves about other clubs many faults. Of course, when Villa themselves subsequently had a bit of a bad run, like most crass Internet bullies, they promptly shat in their own pants and ran an effing mile. To such an extent that since that day, hoping the Villa get a ruddy damned good shafting off whomsoever they're playing is always one of the first things this blogger looks for, hopefully, each weekend. So, as you can probably tell, I'm an extra specially happy Mag today.
