The 2013-14 Premier League season gets under way on Saturday, with clubs playing for more money than ever before. The TV rights have been sold to BT and BSkyB for over three billion smackers over three years, up £1.25bn on the previous package as everybody connected with the deal got their collective greed on, big style. The opening Premier League fixtures are as follows: -
Saturday
Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws v Dirty Stoke
The Arse v Aston Villains
The Turkeys Norwich v The Toffos
Blunderland v Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance
West Bromwich Albinos v Southampton
The Hamsters v Cardiff
Swansea v The Scum
Sunday
Crystal Palace v Stottingtot Hotshots
Moscow Chelski FC v Relegation Haunted Hull
Monday
Sheikh Yer Man City v Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies
Jose Mourinho has returned for a second spell as Moscow Chelski manager while dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman David Moyes fills the role vacated by ... dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson at The Scum. The league also welcomes Championship winners Cardiff City, along with newly-promoted Hull City and Crystal Palace. Former Real Madrid manager Mourinho will have his sights set on repeating the success of his last spell at Torpedo Stamford Bridge, which ended in September 2007 after he had won two Premier League titles.
But Moyes, who joins the current champions from The Toffos following the end of Ferguson's twenty six-year reign of terror at Old Trafford, will look to end their hopes. Manuel Pellegrini takes over at last season's runners-up Sheikh Yer Man City, with the Chilean leaving Malaga to replace the sacked Roberto Mancini, while other managerial newcomers include Roberto Martinez, appointed the new boss at The Toffos, and Mark Hughes at Dirty Stoke. With a fortnight left until the close of the transfer window, the futures of The Scum's striker Wayne Rooney, Stottingtot Hotshots midfielder Gareth Bale and Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez are unresolved. Rooney wants to leave Old Trafford but The Scum insist he is not for sale. Bale is keen to speak to suitors Real Madrid, while Suarez wants to leave Merseyside for Champions League football.
It certainly hasn't taken David Moyes long in his new role as manager of The Scum to acquire his predecessor's predilection for whinging like a big stroppy girl. Moyes says he finds his club's start to the new season 'hard to believe.' Among their first five Premier League games, the champions host Moscow Chelski FC and Sheikh Yer Man City and The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws away. Moyes whinged: 'I find it hard to believe that's the way the balls came out of the bag, that's for sure.' The Premier League responded by saying: 'We have absolutely assured him the process is random and above board. He has accepted those assurances.' Although, quite why they had to 'assure' him of anything when it's none of his frigging business or anything even remotely like it is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. Earlier on Thursday the dour and sour-faced Scotsman whinged: 'I think it's the hardest start for twenty years that Manchester United have had. I hope it's not because Manchester United won the league quite comfortably last year [that] the fixtures have been made much more difficult.' Moyes officially took over from dour and sour-faced Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson, who retired after twenty six trophy-laden and constantly-whinging years in charge, on 1 July. The former Everton boss saw his new side win the Charity Shield with a 2-0 victory against Wigan Not Very Athletic (and theirbloody odious and risible chairman) last week.
Former Newcastle striker Alan Shearer says that the large contingent of French players at the club is 'unhealthy.' Well, aye. I mean, the smell of garlic, for a kick-off ... Newcastle's recent capture of Queen's Park Strangers' forward Loic Remy on loan means that Alan Pardew's squad has eleven French players. Shearer is worried that this could 'have a negative impact' if things went against Pardew's side. 'I don't think it's a healthy thing to have too many French players in one dressing room,' Shearer told BBC Radio 5Live.
Though, to be fair, it's never done, you know, France too much harm. Wor Shearer then elbowed someone in the face on general principal. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) magpies finished fifth from bottom in the Premier League table last season after a horrible season disrupted by injuries and a, very unwelcome, Europa League campaign and start the 2013-14 campaign away to Sheikh Yer Man City on Monday. 'If things start to go against you then little cliques appear [in the dressing room],' added Shearer, who scored two hundred and six goals in four hundred and four games during a ten-year spell at Newcastle before managing the club for two months in 2009. 'I know Arsenal had a lot of French players and went on to be successful. But I don't see Newcastle being that successful.' Despite his comments, Shearer is tipping his old club to enjoy a better season than last. 'Two years ago, Newcastle overachieved without doubt by finishing fifth,' he said. 'Last season they underachieved by finishing fifth bottom. If the truth be known, they're somewhere in between. At the minute I would have them finishing eleventh or twelfth.'
Saturday
Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws v Dirty Stoke
The Arse v Aston Villains
The Turkeys Norwich v The Toffos
Blunderland v Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance
West Bromwich Albinos v Southampton
The Hamsters v Cardiff
Swansea v The Scum
Sunday
Crystal Palace v Stottingtot Hotshots
Moscow Chelski FC v Relegation Haunted Hull
Monday
Sheikh Yer Man City v Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies
Jose Mourinho has returned for a second spell as Moscow Chelski manager while dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman David Moyes fills the role vacated by ... dour, sour-faced whinging Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson at The Scum. The league also welcomes Championship winners Cardiff City, along with newly-promoted Hull City and Crystal Palace. Former Real Madrid manager Mourinho will have his sights set on repeating the success of his last spell at Torpedo Stamford Bridge, which ended in September 2007 after he had won two Premier League titles.
But Moyes, who joins the current champions from The Toffos following the end of Ferguson's twenty six-year reign of terror at Old Trafford, will look to end their hopes. Manuel Pellegrini takes over at last season's runners-up Sheikh Yer Man City, with the Chilean leaving Malaga to replace the sacked Roberto Mancini, while other managerial newcomers include Roberto Martinez, appointed the new boss at The Toffos, and Mark Hughes at Dirty Stoke. With a fortnight left until the close of the transfer window, the futures of The Scum's striker Wayne Rooney, Stottingtot Hotshots midfielder Gareth Bale and Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez are unresolved. Rooney wants to leave Old Trafford but The Scum insist he is not for sale. Bale is keen to speak to suitors Real Madrid, while Suarez wants to leave Merseyside for Champions League football. It certainly hasn't taken David Moyes long in his new role as manager of The Scum to acquire his predecessor's predilection for whinging like a big stroppy girl. Moyes says he finds his club's start to the new season 'hard to believe.' Among their first five Premier League games, the champions host Moscow Chelski FC and Sheikh Yer Man City and The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws away. Moyes whinged: 'I find it hard to believe that's the way the balls came out of the bag, that's for sure.' The Premier League responded by saying: 'We have absolutely assured him the process is random and above board. He has accepted those assurances.' Although, quite why they had to 'assure' him of anything when it's none of his frigging business or anything even remotely like it is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. Earlier on Thursday the dour and sour-faced Scotsman whinged: 'I think it's the hardest start for twenty years that Manchester United have had. I hope it's not because Manchester United won the league quite comfortably last year [that] the fixtures have been made much more difficult.' Moyes officially took over from dour and sour-faced Scotsman Sir Alex Ferguson, who retired after twenty six trophy-laden and constantly-whinging years in charge, on 1 July. The former Everton boss saw his new side win the Charity Shield with a 2-0 victory against Wigan Not Very Athletic (and theirbloody odious and risible chairman) last week.
Former Newcastle striker Alan Shearer says that the large contingent of French players at the club is 'unhealthy.' Well, aye. I mean, the smell of garlic, for a kick-off ... Newcastle's recent capture of Queen's Park Strangers' forward Loic Remy on loan means that Alan Pardew's squad has eleven French players. Shearer is worried that this could 'have a negative impact' if things went against Pardew's side. 'I don't think it's a healthy thing to have too many French players in one dressing room,' Shearer told BBC Radio 5Live.
Though, to be fair, it's never done, you know, France too much harm. Wor Shearer then elbowed someone in the face on general principal. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) magpies finished fifth from bottom in the Premier League table last season after a horrible season disrupted by injuries and a, very unwelcome, Europa League campaign and start the 2013-14 campaign away to Sheikh Yer Man City on Monday. 'If things start to go against you then little cliques appear [in the dressing room],' added Shearer, who scored two hundred and six goals in four hundred and four games during a ten-year spell at Newcastle before managing the club for two months in 2009. 'I know Arsenal had a lot of French players and went on to be successful. But I don't see Newcastle being that successful.' Despite his comments, Shearer is tipping his old club to enjoy a better season than last. 'Two years ago, Newcastle overachieved without doubt by finishing fifth,' he said. 'Last season they underachieved by finishing fifth bottom. If the truth be known, they're somewhere in between. At the minute I would have them finishing eleventh or twelfth.' 
