A Kick Up The Urals

England at major sochaball championships. Someone get this blogger the checklist. Some early promise to get us all excited. Check. One daft mistake. Check. And then ... nothing. Until a bit of - unexpected - late drama. Check. So, what else is new? We really should be used to this sort of thing by now!

Harry Kane scored twice, including an injury-time winner, as England battled to victory over Tunisia in their opening game of the World Cup. Kane headed home from close range in the ninety first minute following Harry Maguire's flick-on from a corner, adding to his opportunistic finish in the first half at a midge-infested Volgograd. Manager Gareth Southgate has instilled a feel-good factor in the side since taking over in November 2016 and England's youngest team at a World Cup since 1958 showed flashes of thrilling attacking football, particularly in the first half-hour, although piss-poor finishing almost proved costly. Their speed caused Tunisia plenty of problems as Jesse Lingard had a close-range shot brilliantly saved by Mouez Hassen and Raheem Sterling scuffed a shot wide all inside the first five minutes. England made a deserved breakthrough in the eleventh minute through Kane after Hassen brilliantly kept out John Stones' header. Despite being on the back foot, Tunisia equalised through Ferjani Sassi's penalty after Kyle Walker was adjudged (perhaps a touch harshly) to have elbowed Fakhreddine Ben Youssef. Hassen suffered an injury and was replaced by Farouk Ben Mustapha, who saved well to keep out a Maguire header, while Dele Alli headed against the crossbar and a Lingard shot hit the post. Not atypically, however, they trailed off badly in the second half, with much of the pace and urgency of the opening period replaced by sterile and anaemic play, running out of both ideas and energy, as Tunisia sat back and allowed England to pass the ball among themselves. England also weren't helped by the failure of both the Colombian referee - Wilmar Roldan - and the VAR team to spot two shocking virtual rugby tackles on Kane from set pieces by firstly Yassine Meriah and then by Sassi. Both appeared far more obviously penalties than the one that was awarded against Walker. Nevertheless, justice was probably served by Kane's last minute winner.

But, Keith Telly Topping, what else has been going on over the last few days at the World Sochaball Cup, I hear you ask dear blog reader? Well, quite a bit as it happens. Paul Pogba's late goal broke Australian resistance to give France a winning start in a Group C on Saturday after they had, earlier, benefitted from a controversial VAR decision to score the game's opening goal. The video assistant referee penalised Australia's Josh Risdon for a sliding tackle on Antoine Griezmann, allowing the Atletico Madrid forward to dispatch a penalty, the first World Cup goal influenced by VAR. However, a moment of abject madness from French defender Samuel Umtiti, who handled Aaron Mooy's free-kick in the box, enabled Australia to equalise through big beardy Mile Jedinak's penalty in Kazan. And, the Aussies looked on course to hold one of the pre-tournament favourites until Pogba's lobbed effort deflected off Australia full-back Aziz Behich and the crossbar to fall inches over the goal-line. Amid the large clusters of gold provided by around ten thousand Socceroos supporters - all bombed out of their brains on lager, obviously - France initially assumed control of the group opener despite the long journey from their Moscow training base. Kylian Mbappe sparkled early on, racing beyond the Australia backline to test goalkeeper Mat Ryan after ninety seconds. That sparked a concerted offensive by Didier Deschamps' team but Australia stemmed the tide as the half progressed. Going behind stirred Australia into a response in the second period and Aston Villain's Jedinak converted a penalty Umtiti had senselessly handled another dangerous Mooy delivery. But Pogba's winner, confirmed by goal-line technology, ensured France opened the tournament with three points. While Australia may have only managed two victories in fourteen fixtures at the World Cup, there was enough promise in this showing to suggest they can approach their next game against Denmark on Thursday with optimism. It was a bad day all round for the Aussies, whilst all this malarkey was going on their cricket team were also busy losing the second ODI at England at Cardiff.

Football pundit Phil Neville has been accused of 'breaking the BBC.' Neville was about to give his views on the use of VAR technology following France's win over Australia when the television feed went down for several seconds. Football writers and fans were quick to pounce on the 'irony' on social media. A BBC spokesman confirmed there had been 'a technical issue.' Gerry McCulloch, head of digital media for Glasgow Celtic Football Club, pointed out: 'Technological fault interrupts BBC analysis of football technology.' 'Phil Neville has broken the BBC,' tweeted Kristian Walsh of the Liverpool Echo.

'This isn't going to go down well in Buenos Aires, failure to beat Iceland,' opined ITV's Sam Matterface a few seconds before the final whistle of the Group D game between the much-touted Argentina and 'the nation with the smallest population ever to play at a World Cup.' To which, of course, every watching England fan muttered 'Pfft. Been there, done that!' Lionel Messi's bid to win the World Cup got off to a nightmare start as he missed a penalty and his Argentina side were surprisingly held by their plucky opponents. Which will, obviously, have been a disappointment to large chunks of the media who had spent the build-up to the tournament (as they did four and eight years ago) with their collective tongue rammed, bigly, up Messi's arse for a good, hard slavvering. Messi was looking to match the impact his old rival Cristiano Ronaldo has made on the tournament but, instead of being the hero, Messi was the villain as his second-half spot-kick was easily saved by Hannes Halldorsson with the score at one-one. 'Is that the Hand of Cod?' asked Matterface, before having a small chuckle at his own cleverness. The draw was no less than Iceland deserved. Their disciplined, defensive tactics frustrated an Argentina side who enjoyed the majority of possession and they also carried a threat going forward from the start, with Birkir Bjarnason scuffing a glorious early chance. After surviving that scare, the thousands of Argentine fans who packed out the Spartak Stadium were dancing in the Moscow sunshine when Sergio Aguero put them ahead with a superb strike after nineteen minutes. But Jorge Sampaoli's side have a noted soft centre and their lead lasted only four minutes, as Alfred Finnbogason equalised with his country's first goal at a World Cup finals. Finnbogason had made a hash of a header seconds earlier but Argentina failed to clear and Willy Caballero could only palm Hordur Magnusson's shot into the path of the striker, who gleefully turned it home. Messi's missed penalty was Argentina's only clear-cut chance in the second half, although Cristian Pavon's bouncing cross drew a fine late save from Halldorsson. All eyes were on Messi from the moment he walked into the Spartak Stadium, with the Argentina fans roaring their approval whenever his image flashed up on the big screen before the game, but he could not provide the inspiration they craved. It was not for a lack of effort, or a shortage of attempts on goal but the image of the Barcelona star that summed up his day was one of dejection, when he was left staring at the ground at the final whistle, with his hands on his knees. He had been left to wander by Iceland, who did not try to man-mark him, but there were only flitting moments when he threatened to work his magic, with his best moment a first-half shot palmed away by Halldorsson. Nevertheless, each time Argentina got a free-kick within shooting distance of the Iceland goal, across the goal, commentators tried to outdo each other with superlatives of how great Messi was at this sort of situation only for, on each occasion, the ball to end up in Row Z (or, on one occasion, slammed harmlessly into a wall of big beardy Icelanders). Messi did provide the floated cross that led to Argentina's penalty after Maximiliano Meza was fouled by Magnusson, but he will want to forget what happened next. The minnows had already tamed - not to mention annoyed - Ronaldo when they held Portugal in the group stage at Euro 2016 and this performance was a reminder of how they reached the quarter-finals in France. Heimir Hallgrimsson's side are used to punching above their weight - as England infamously found out two years ago - and Argentina are simply their latest victims. They arguably could have had more than a single point if they had made the most of their first half chances, the best of which was Bjarnason's miss when the ball ran into his path at the far post, but he failed to find the target.

Matterface also managed to become something of a trending topic on social media with one of the most bizarre moments of football commentary ever. Matterface seemingly ran out of interesting facts to tell viewers, so he compared the height of Argentine substitute Cristian Pavón to the former Great British Bake Off host Mel Giedroyc. When Pavón replaced Angel Di Maria for the final fifteen minutes of the game when Matterface made the odd comparison. 'He's only five foot, five inches tall, which is the same height as Kirsten Dunst and Mel from Mel and Sue.' Bet you never knew that, dear blog reader. Well, you do now. Public service broadcasting at its finest. Allegedly.

'Is it wrong that even after forty years the sight of that Peru strip still brings me out in a cold sweat?' asked one of this blogger's Facebook fiends from North of the border. Which very much suggests that the rumours are indeed true. In Scotland parents tell their naughty children 'if you don't do your homework, Teófilo Cubillas will come round and score a free-kick against you.' Anyway, Peru's return to the world stage ended in a narrow - and, rather unlucky - defeat to Denmark, in no small part due to Peru missing a penalty. Peru - for whom right-sided Andre Carrillo was particularly impressive - were given a penalty after referee Bakary Gassama of Gambia had initially missed Yussuf Poulsen sliding in and taking out the standing leg of Christian Cueva. But Cueva's subsequent spot-kick was blazed over the bar and he ended the game in a flood of tears as he realised the enormity of his costly error. That miss proved crucial as the Danes hit Peru on the counter-attack in the second half with Christian Eriksen releasing Poulsen and he fired past Pedro Gallese. Peru were denied an immediate equaliser when Denmark goalkeeper Bacon Sandwich The Younger Kasper Schmeichel produced a remarkably one-handed save to deny Edison Flores from close range. Substitute Paolo Guerrero, only able to play after a Swiss tribunal recently lifted a fourteen-month drugs ban, almost brought the game level a few moments later, but his clever backheel trickled narrowly wide of the post with Schmeichal beaten as Denmark held on for a vital three points to take them level with France at the top of Group C.

Croatia made a winning start against Nigeria, as Oghenekaro Etebo's own goal and a Luka Modric penalty decided a poor Group D match in Kaliningrad. Etebo, who joined Dirty Stoke from Portuguese club Feirense for six million knicker on Monday, turned Modric's first-half corner into his own net after Ante Rebic and Mario Mandzukic had both got touches. Modric then converted a seventy first-minute penalty - Croatia's first shot on target - after William Troost-Ekong had manhandled Mandzukic at a corner. Nigeria offered little attacking threat, although Dejan Lovren blocked Alex Iwobi's shot just before half-time, and Odion Ighalo glanced a Brian Idowu cross straight at goalkeeper Danijel Subasic. By and large, Gernot Rohr's inexperienced team were every bit as subdued as their shirts. Rohr's side impressed in qualifying, finishing top of a group that included Cameroon and Algeria - but the German coach has travelled to Russia with a squad containing eighteen World Cup finals debutants and the players selected struggled on the big stage. Etebo, despite his own goal, was one of their better performers, producing an excellent second-half pass out to the right that Victor Moses gathered and rolled wide of the near post after cutting inside. Moses was a threat when delivering set-pieces, although his tendency to go to ground easily when challenged did him little credit.

Aleksandar Kolarov scored a spectacular free-kick to give Serbia a deserved victory in their opening Group E match against Costa Rica. Serbian captain Kolarov - the former Sheikh Yer Man City defender - scored from twenty five yards when he curled the ball over the Costa Rica wall. Kolarov's effort had sufficient bend to find the top corner with Real Madrid goalkeeper Keylor Navas clutching at thin air as he desperately scrambled across goal. Costa Rica only sporadically threatened the Serbian goal, with an early header over the crossbar from unmarked defender Giancarlo Gonzalez their best effort. With games against Brazil and Switzerland to come, this was a key match for both nations to press their credentials to reach the knockout stages. Mladen Krstajic's Serbia side - the lowest ranked European nation in Russia - now appear the best placed of the two to progress after a dominant second-half display. The margin of victory would have been greater had Navas not narrowed the angle to deny yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle striker Aleksandar Mitrovic after he had been sent clear by the impressive Sergej Milinkovic-Savic earlier in the game. Serbia's Nemanja Matic, meanwhile, was involved in an ugly confrontation with a member of the Costa Rica coaching staff in injury time as the Scumchester United midfielder tried to retrieve the ball after it went out of play. It was a bit handbags, to be honest, rather than a proper rive-on with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. But, it was the nearest we've had to a bit of Barney-Rubble at the World Cup so far and it prompted the ITV commentator to give us the old 'oh, the humanity!' thing. And, that's always a laugh.

Mexico recorded the first real shock of the 2018 World Cup as Hirving Lozano's strike earned a thoroughly deserved victory over lacklustre world champions Germany. Which was funny. Quick and dangerous on the break, Mexico took the lead when PSV Eindhoven's Lozano cut inside Mesut Özil before firing past Manuel Neuer. Germany went close through Toni Kroos, whose free-kick was pushed on to the bar by the terrific Guillermo Ochoa. Germany laid siege to the Mexico goal for most of the second-half but the disappointing Timo Werner could make no headway while both Joshua Kimmich and Julian Draxler came close. But the Mexican defence ultimately withstood the remorseless pressure they invited on to themselves by sitting too deep - though hearts were in mouths when Julian Brandt's late shot shaved the outside of the post. Joachim Löw's disjointed side looked extraordinarily vulnerable on the break even before Javier Hernandez punished them with the pass that set up Lozano. Despite facing some sustained late pressure, Mexico held on to inflict a first World Cup defeat on Die Mannschaft since they lost to Spain in the 2010 semi-final. This was also the first time a German side had lost their opening game of this tournament since 1982, when West Germany were upset by Algeria. The result means Germany are the third champions in succession - following Italy and Spain - to start their defence with a defeat. History was also made when Mexico's thirty nine-year-old former Barcelona defender Rafael Marquez came on as a substitute in the second half to become the third player to have played in five successive World Cups (after Lothar Matthaus and Marquez's compatriot Antonio Carbajal). Löw's side had come into the tournament on the back of some unconvincing displays and results in their recent friendlies, but there had been no sign of panic in their camp. Things were very different at a noisy Luzhniki Stadium, with Germany showing little of the composure or class we so associate with them at major finals. Even before they went behind, they were often over-run in midfield, with Kroos and Sami Khedira unable to offer their defence any protection from Mexico's rapid counter-attacks. Germany's right flank seemed susceptible on the break, with Kimmich's forays forward leaving space for Lozano and Hernandez to gallop into unchallenged.

Needless to say, the German media were somewhat underwhelmed by this happenstance and were not short of advice for the German coach and players.

Pre-tournament favourites Brazil failed to win their opening game of a World Cup for the first time since 1978 as Switzerland earned a valuable draw in Rostov-on-Don. The five-time champions, so often lauded by brown-tongued commentators for their flair, looked good early on but failed to sparkle after Philippe Coutinho's superbly curled opener on twenty minutes. Tite's side - with Gabriel Jesus and Willian alongside Neymar in a front three - could offer only fleeting moments of fluid play and Steven Zuber's header from a corner earned the Swiss a deserved point. Brazil may point to a (rather minor) push by Zuber to free him from his marker, Miranda - which was not overturned on VAR - but, the fact Coutinho's strike remained their only effort on target until seventy seven minutes points to their struggles in the final third. Neymar's header - straight into the hands of Yann Sommer with minutes to go - summed up a Brazil performance lacking in cutting edge. Indeed, only in the dying stages did they look desperate to win, with substitute Roberto Firmino's header forcing a save and Miranda blasting wide. Buoyed by a run of form showing just one loss in twenty one matches and the return from injury of the talismanic Neymar, expectation is high that Brazil can banish painful memories of a seven-one semi-final hiding to Germany on home soil four years ago. Only Marcelo started in Russia from their line-up on that humiliating night and one defeat in eighteen qualifying matches does, indeed, appear to point to a team somewhat healed. Coutinho - chosen as the creative force in a three-man midfield also comprising Paulinho and Casemiro - stepped up to increase Brazilian positivity with a sublime effort from twenty yards which went in off the post, such was its accuracy. It should have served as a catalyst, but with Neymar constantly harassed by the excellent Valon Behrami, clear-cut chances were hard to come by. Switzerland's haul of nine wins from ten matches in qualifying and controversial victory over Northern Ireland in the play-offs points to a well-drilled and highly capable side. Former West Hamsters United midfielder Behrami lasted seventy minutes and repeatedly broke up play, while twenty two-year-old defender Manuel Akanji won possession nine times and saw more of the ball than anyone on his side, impressing in just his eighth international.

Sweden marked their first appearance in the World Cup for twelve years by beating South Korea thanks to a penalty from captain Andreas Granqvist that was awarded after a VAR review. And, despite ITV's Jon Champion expressing shock and stun that Granqvist should be the man to take it ... even though he is Sweden's regular penalty taker. There was a short delay for Kim Min-woo's foul on Viktor Claesson to be analysed on video and for the referee to point to the spot before Granqvist sent goalkeeper Cho Hyun-woo the wrong way. Sweden, who joined Mexico at the top of Group F on three points, created the better chances in a drab game Nizhny Novgorod, made ten times worse worse by the abstract witterings of Champion and his co-commentator Ally McCoist. (Who, seemingly, knows who Maxim Gorky is. Who'd've guessed?) Marcus Berg should have scored for Sweden midway through the first half but his close range shot was beaten away by Cho, while South Korea did not manage a single shot on target in the entire game. Cho also saved well from Ola Toivonen's header following a free-kick. It was a scrappy match and South Korea, competing in their ninth successive World Cup, in particular were very disappointing. The closest they came to scoring was when Koo Ja-cheol headed into the side netting. Sweden qualified by finishing above the Netherlands in qualifying, beating France in a group game and then overcoming Italy in a play-off. However, they arrived in Russia without a goal in their previous three friendly matches and without Zlatan Ibrahimovic following his retirement from international football. Indeed, Janne Andersson's team looked to be heading for a goalless draw until the second-half penalty. There was little doubt about the spot kick as replayed showed Claesson was clearly tripped. It was however a gritty rather than spectacular performance from the Swedes, who lost The Scum's defender Victor Lindelof on the morning of the game due to illness.

Romelu Lukaku scored twice as Belgium proved too good for World Cup debutants Panama in the opening match in Group G. After a goalless first half Belgium, currently ranked third in the world, finally broke Panama's resistance when Dries Mertens steered in a spectacular fifteen-yard volley early in the second half. Panama, fifty fifth in the rankings, had a chance to snatch an equaliser but Belgium goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois was quick off his line to save Michael Murillo's shot with his legs. The Scum striker Lukaku made certain of the victory as he scored with a diving header after a pass from Sheikh Yer Man City's Kevin de Bruyne. Lukaku then added a third with a chipped finish after a fine through ball from Moscow Chelski FC's Eden Hazard. Belgium, who included seven Premier League-based players in their starting line-up, scored forty three goals in qualifying, a joint record for a European team, but suffered a frustrating first forty five minutes in Sochi. Panama's goalkeeper, Jaime Penedo, denied Yannick Carrasco, Mertens, Hazard and Lukaku as the Central Americans battled hard to try to contain one of the World Cup favourites. The Europeans also failed to capitalise on two Panama errors when Hazard shot into the side-netting after a short Roman Torres backpass, before Mertens also missing the target when allowed to shoot from a quickly-taken short corner. But Belgium ensured there would be no upset at the Fisht Stadium as Mertens took advantage of Panama failing to clear their lines with a superb volley over Penedo.

ITV moved quickly to avoid a sexism row on Sunday night as the former footballer Patrice Evra was 'advised to modify his interaction' with his fellow World Cup pundit Eni Aluko after clapping her in a manner that enraged some viewers. Evra has been accused of being 'patronising' and 'misogynistic' - albeit, only by some people you've never heard of on social media - after his, admittedly crass and ill-judged reaction to Eni's analysis of the World Cup. Evra appeared alongside Aluko, who has made more than one hundred appearances for the England women's team and the former Sweden Striker, Henrik Larsson, as a pundit on ITV before the Costa Rica versus Serbia match. Evra appeared surprised after Aluko assessed Costa Rica's abilities and heaped praise on her 'very good' analysis. He then started to clap for his fellow pundit. After Aluko provided more analysis, the presenter of the show, Jacqui Oatley, asked Evra: 'Are you going to sit here applauding Eni's punditry all day?' Evra replied: 'This is just amazing, I think we should leave Henrik, because she knows about more football than us! I'm really impressed you know.' Yeah, I'm an articulate woman who knows more about football than you do, who'd've thought it, eh? The Gruniad Morning Star claims the panel were 'all aware of the Twitter reaction' immediately after the show and that Evra is 'highly unlikely to react the same way again.' They add that Aluko and Evra 'seemed to be getting along well afterwards.' Evra reportedly claimed that he meant the clapping 'to be a compliment' but that it was 'taken the wrong way.'

Croatia forward Nikola Kalinic has been sent home from the World Cup after he refused to come on as a substitute during the two-nil defeat of Nigeria. The thirty-year-old cannot be replaced, meaning Croatia will have to make do with only twenty two players for the rest of the tournament. AC Milan's Kalinic claimed he had a back injury, having complained of the same problem in the friendly loss to Brazil. Coach Zlatko Dalic said: 'I need my players fit and ready to play.' Kalinic, who played for Blackburn Vindaloos between 2009 and 2011 and has scored fifteen goals in forty one appearances for Croatia, was starting his fourth international in a row on the bench. 'During the Nigeria encounter, Kalinic was warming up and was supposed to come on in the second half,' said Dalic. 'However, he then stated that he wasn't ready to come on due to a back issue. The same thing happened during the Brazil friendly in England, as well as before the practice session on Sunday. I have calmly accepted that and since I need my players fit and ready to play, I have made this decision.' The striker spent last season on loan at Milan from Fiorentina, scoring six goals in forty one appearances, before making the move permanent this summer.

England's bid to go far in the World Cup will 'include the players wearing battery-powered heated trousers throughout the tournament to combat injury-threatening changes in temperature.' Although this is according to some louse of no importance at the Daily Scum Mail so, it's probably a load of old pants.