Anyone watching Sky's Football First last night might've been more than a shade startled and/or perfectly terrified by Sarah-Jane Mee's rapidly growing darza of a beehive.
Jesus, if that gets much taller it'll be poking through the roof, love. What do you think this is, 1963?
Of course, if you were watching Football First there can only have been one reason. And it wasn't Sarah-Jane's honey-dripping beehive. Or Paul Walsh's barely monosyllabic comments (it's not a sprint, like, its a marafon, the Premier League, innit?') it was for the most important game of the day, if not indeed the whole season. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies continue to hold the upper hand in recent Tyne-Wear derbies as Ryan Taylor's whippy free-kick earned them a win over The Disgraceful Mackems Slime. The hosts - who've getting been a bit uppity of late what with all their 'we've signed more players than you' malarkey and, frankly, needed a good slapping down and putting in their place - had more possession for most of the first half and the opening exchanges of the second although they had about as much penetration as a ... hang on a sec. Careful Sarah, will you, you could have someone's eye out with that thing.
Right, back to the match. Joey Barton - having spent the week, as usual, as public enemy number one of every scum newspaper in the country (he's responsible for all of the ills in the world, you know? The riots? That was Joey Barton. The situation in Syria? Yep , that's Joey too) was denied a goal when his header was punched over the bar by Sebastian Larsson. Appeals for a penalty were turned down by Howard Webb. And his guide dog. Of course, if it had been the other way around and it had been Barton on the line sticking his arms up, no doubt he would have been up before the FA on a charge on 'being a bastard' first thing on Monday morning. It looked for a while as though that incident might prove pivotal in the match but Taylor's free arrow-like kick flew straight in on sixty two minutes. Miss Stéphanie Sessègnon and Asamoah Gyan both had chances for Sunderland, whilst Phil Bardsley was sent off late in the game for a ghastly and crude two-footed tackle on Fabricio Coloccini that could have broken the Argentine's leg. 
Fortunately, although the game was keenly-contested it did not quite reach boiling point - despite Lee Cattermole spending most of the ninety minutes going round kicking anything that moved (and, anything that didn't just in case it tried). Victory for Alan Pardew's side means that Newcastle are unbeaten in four league games against their North-East rivals. In fact, they've only lost once at Blunderland since 1980. You know, Andy O'Brien, Liam O'Brien, any any any O'Brien ... and all that. Now, it seems, it's Oh, Ryan. Heh. Sorry. Anyway, the manager will have been happy to earn three points during a taxing week following all of the crassly hyped controversy of their match against Arsenal last weekend. And, let's face it four points out of a possible six from the opening two games with no goals conceded by a team with, supposedly, a traditionally weak defence is decent in anyone's language. Although, given the way Arsenal are playing at the moment, last week might come to be regarded as two points dropped rather than one gained. Webb will probably be content, too, that the incident involving Barton did not decide an otherwise tough but entertaining match. Blunderland will doubtless be angry that they did not get any reward from a game for which they controlled - in terms of possession if not chances - for large chunks. But, they lacked any sort of cutting edge up front. It was not quite as bad as last autumn's 5-1 pants down thrashing at St James' Park for Fat Steve Bruce, but this was still a very bad result for the - alleged - boyhood Newcastle fan who must be well pissed off that his next home game is against Moscow Chelski FC. Bruce's side set the tempo early on with Sessègnon effective in a hole between Newcastle's midfield and defence. It wasn't long before the Benin international carved out the first chance for the home side, but his fierce shot was tipped over by Tim Krul. Deployed as a holding midfielder alongside an uncharacteristically off-the-pace Cheik Tioté in Pardew's 4-2-3-1 formation, Barton, who attempted too many ambitious long passes, failed to prevent Blunderland enjoying the better of the first half. Just as it looked as though a Blunderland goal may come, the tide was stemmed by a moment of controversy on fifteen minutes. From a corner Barton nodded Shola Ameobi's header towards goal and it struck Larsson's arm as it was heading for the top of the net. Pandemonium inside the Stadium of Shite. The Geordies went mental. The Mackems just stood around looking a bit shamefaced and Larsson's 'who, guv? Me, guv?' charged towards the linesman to protest his innocence and claim he'd headed it was, frankly, a bit 'the lady doth protest too much.' TV replays subsequently justified Barton's righteous sense of frustration and despite appeals from Newcastle's players to Webb and his assistant (and his dog), the end result was but a corner. 
Yohan Cabaye was perhaps fortunate only to pick up a booking for a dangerous-looking high tackle on Bardsley, and several players went into the book in the second half as the temperature rose on the pitch. Not only a lovely passer of the ball, the former Lille playmaker showed he can put his foot in, too. More constructively, though, Cabaye forced Simon Mignolet into a fine save courtesy of a curving, dipping, long-range strike. Looks like Newcastle might've signed a good'un in the Frenchie. But Bruce's side remained in the ascendancy as Sessegnon again worked Krul and Gyan clipped the top of the bar with a left-foot curler just before half-time. That left Newcastle looking to break on the counter and target Ameobi from deep corners. Although Cabaye had another swerving shot saved, they made few inroads in the first half. Blunderland began the second half in quieter fashion and that, along with Ryan Taylor's supreme accuracy swung the game back in favour of the visitors. Jonas Gutierrez served notice of his intent with a shot on the hour, and it was the Argentine who was brought down - by Cattermole - for the free-kick which led to Taylor's strike. 
From the left the defender arrowed his kick into the top right corner, past a flailing Mignolet, and although Steven Taylor aimed to get a touch on it at the back post, the ball flew straight in to give the Newcastle fans The Horn. Coloccini and Steven Taylor – later joined by Mike Williamson as Pardew switched to a flat back five – remained as solid as the eight-foot metal barrier that police had erected outside the stadium to separate rival fans. Bookings for Cattermole and Barton predictably followed and the latter also had the ball in the back of the net late on but was rightly ruled for a marginal but clear offside. Further chances came for Gyan and substitute Craig Gardner, who made his Blunderland debut and young Dan Gosling should have sewn it up for The Glorious Magpies in injury time having been put through one-on-one by Ameobi's delicate flick-on. But, his arse fell out and he shot weakly at Mignolet. Nevertheless, it was a welcome relief that Taylor's goal proved to be the difference between the sides rather than any moment of controversy or discombobulation. While Bardsley's sending off was thoroughly deserved, it served as a mere footnote to a passionate, tough encounter and capped a frustrating afternoon for The Disgraceful Mackem Slime. Which, let's face it, is always a good thing.
Of course, if you were watching Football First there can only have been one reason. And it wasn't Sarah-Jane's honey-dripping beehive. Or Paul Walsh's barely monosyllabic comments (it's not a sprint, like, its a marafon, the Premier League, innit?') it was for the most important game of the day, if not indeed the whole season. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies continue to hold the upper hand in recent Tyne-Wear derbies as Ryan Taylor's whippy free-kick earned them a win over The Disgraceful Mackems Slime. The hosts - who've getting been a bit uppity of late what with all their 'we've signed more players than you' malarkey and, frankly, needed a good slapping down and putting in their place - had more possession for most of the first half and the opening exchanges of the second although they had about as much penetration as a ... hang on a sec. Careful Sarah, will you, you could have someone's eye out with that thing.
Right, back to the match. Joey Barton - having spent the week, as usual, as public enemy number one of every scum newspaper in the country (he's responsible for all of the ills in the world, you know? The riots? That was Joey Barton. The situation in Syria? Yep , that's Joey too) was denied a goal when his header was punched over the bar by Sebastian Larsson. Appeals for a penalty were turned down by Howard Webb. And his guide dog. Of course, if it had been the other way around and it had been Barton on the line sticking his arms up, no doubt he would have been up before the FA on a charge on 'being a bastard' first thing on Monday morning. It looked for a while as though that incident might prove pivotal in the match but Taylor's free arrow-like kick flew straight in on sixty two minutes. Miss Stéphanie Sessègnon and Asamoah Gyan both had chances for Sunderland, whilst Phil Bardsley was sent off late in the game for a ghastly and crude two-footed tackle on Fabricio Coloccini that could have broken the Argentine's leg. 
Fortunately, although the game was keenly-contested it did not quite reach boiling point - despite Lee Cattermole spending most of the ninety minutes going round kicking anything that moved (and, anything that didn't just in case it tried). Victory for Alan Pardew's side means that Newcastle are unbeaten in four league games against their North-East rivals. In fact, they've only lost once at Blunderland since 1980. You know, Andy O'Brien, Liam O'Brien, any any any O'Brien ... and all that. Now, it seems, it's Oh, Ryan. Heh. Sorry. Anyway, the manager will have been happy to earn three points during a taxing week following all of the crassly hyped controversy of their match against Arsenal last weekend. And, let's face it four points out of a possible six from the opening two games with no goals conceded by a team with, supposedly, a traditionally weak defence is decent in anyone's language. Although, given the way Arsenal are playing at the moment, last week might come to be regarded as two points dropped rather than one gained. Webb will probably be content, too, that the incident involving Barton did not decide an otherwise tough but entertaining match. Blunderland will doubtless be angry that they did not get any reward from a game for which they controlled - in terms of possession if not chances - for large chunks. But, they lacked any sort of cutting edge up front. It was not quite as bad as last autumn's 5-1 pants down thrashing at St James' Park for Fat Steve Bruce, but this was still a very bad result for the - alleged - boyhood Newcastle fan who must be well pissed off that his next home game is against Moscow Chelski FC. Bruce's side set the tempo early on with Sessègnon effective in a hole between Newcastle's midfield and defence. It wasn't long before the Benin international carved out the first chance for the home side, but his fierce shot was tipped over by Tim Krul. Deployed as a holding midfielder alongside an uncharacteristically off-the-pace Cheik Tioté in Pardew's 4-2-3-1 formation, Barton, who attempted too many ambitious long passes, failed to prevent Blunderland enjoying the better of the first half. Just as it looked as though a Blunderland goal may come, the tide was stemmed by a moment of controversy on fifteen minutes. From a corner Barton nodded Shola Ameobi's header towards goal and it struck Larsson's arm as it was heading for the top of the net. Pandemonium inside the Stadium of Shite. The Geordies went mental. The Mackems just stood around looking a bit shamefaced and Larsson's 'who, guv? Me, guv?' charged towards the linesman to protest his innocence and claim he'd headed it was, frankly, a bit 'the lady doth protest too much.' TV replays subsequently justified Barton's righteous sense of frustration and despite appeals from Newcastle's players to Webb and his assistant (and his dog), the end result was but a corner. 
Yohan Cabaye was perhaps fortunate only to pick up a booking for a dangerous-looking high tackle on Bardsley, and several players went into the book in the second half as the temperature rose on the pitch. Not only a lovely passer of the ball, the former Lille playmaker showed he can put his foot in, too. More constructively, though, Cabaye forced Simon Mignolet into a fine save courtesy of a curving, dipping, long-range strike. Looks like Newcastle might've signed a good'un in the Frenchie. But Bruce's side remained in the ascendancy as Sessegnon again worked Krul and Gyan clipped the top of the bar with a left-foot curler just before half-time. That left Newcastle looking to break on the counter and target Ameobi from deep corners. Although Cabaye had another swerving shot saved, they made few inroads in the first half. Blunderland began the second half in quieter fashion and that, along with Ryan Taylor's supreme accuracy swung the game back in favour of the visitors. Jonas Gutierrez served notice of his intent with a shot on the hour, and it was the Argentine who was brought down - by Cattermole - for the free-kick which led to Taylor's strike. 
From the left the defender arrowed his kick into the top right corner, past a flailing Mignolet, and although Steven Taylor aimed to get a touch on it at the back post, the ball flew straight in to give the Newcastle fans The Horn. Coloccini and Steven Taylor – later joined by Mike Williamson as Pardew switched to a flat back five – remained as solid as the eight-foot metal barrier that police had erected outside the stadium to separate rival fans. Bookings for Cattermole and Barton predictably followed and the latter also had the ball in the back of the net late on but was rightly ruled for a marginal but clear offside. Further chances came for Gyan and substitute Craig Gardner, who made his Blunderland debut and young Dan Gosling should have sewn it up for The Glorious Magpies in injury time having been put through one-on-one by Ameobi's delicate flick-on. But, his arse fell out and he shot weakly at Mignolet. Nevertheless, it was a welcome relief that Taylor's goal proved to be the difference between the sides rather than any moment of controversy or discombobulation. While Bardsley's sending off was thoroughly deserved, it served as a mere footnote to a passionate, tough encounter and capped a frustrating afternoon for The Disgraceful Mackem Slime. Which, let's face it, is always a good thing.
