There was late drama in all three of the Premier League games played on Saturday. Matt Ritchie struck with almost the last kick of the game to earn yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle a share of the spoils against Bournemouth at The Vitality Stadium. The Magpies inched a fraction closer to Premier League safety with the two-two draw. Former Cherries player Ritchie sent a spectacular volley into the roof of the net from DeAndre Yedlin's cross to rescue a point for Rafa The Gaffer's side. Joshua King had turned the game in Bournemouth's favour in the second-half, sending Martin Dubravka the wrong way from the penalty spot before finishing coolly into the far corner from Dominic Solanke's pass. Salomón Rondón had given Newcastle the lead in first-half stoppage time, curling a superb free-kick into the top corner from the edge of the area. Callum Wilson almost scored his twelfth league goal of the campaign with the score at one-one, but Paul Dummett cleared the goal-bound header off the line. The point lifts Bournemouth above Everton into eleventh place, while Newcastle remain thirteenth with thirty five points, seven clear of the relegation zone. Elsewhere West Hamsters United came from three-one down to beat bottom club Poor Bloody Huddersfield at The London Stadium with three late goals including an injury-time winner from Javier Hernández. And, it was a jolly bad day for Burnley who missed a chance to pull themselves out of the relegation mire losing two-one at home to Leicester City who had Harry Maguire sent off in the early stages for bringing down Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson when he was clean through on goal. Wes Morgan scored the winner for Leicester in the last minute.
It was nice to be reminded that football can be a thrilling and unpredictable game after a week in which the sport has been in the news for all the wrong reasons. A Birmingham City fan has been extremely jailed for fourteen weeks for attacking Aston Villains captain Jack Grealish during the second city derby. Paul Mitchell, of Rubery, ran on to the pitch and hit Grealish from behind - really hard - about ten minutes into Sunday's game. Less than twenty four later, Mitchell was up a'fore The Beak and, in his particular case, justice was not only swift but, also, merciless. Mitchell admitted assault and encroachment on to the pitch at Birmingham Magistrates' Court. He couldn't really do much else since thirty odd thousand punters inside St Andrews saw him do it, plus seven hundred thousand more watching on TV. He 'cannot explain what came over him yesterday morning,' his solicitor claimed, unconvincingly. 'His initial, foolish, intention was to just go on to the pitch and whip up the crowd,' said Vaughn Whistance, defending. Mitchell was also ordered to pay three hundred and fifty notes in fines and costs and has been banned from attending any football matches in the UK for ten years. The three hundred and fifty knicker includes one hundred quid in 'compensation' for Grealish's 'pain, discomfort and shock.' The Villains midfielder was able to continue with the game at St Andrew's and, indeed, went on to score the winning goal in the sixty seventh minute. Mitchell, a pub worker, claimed that he was 'not drunk' when he invaded the pitch and punched Grealish in the jaw. 'I cannot help but feel how lucky I was in this incident,' the player said. 'It could have been so much worse had the supporter had some sort of weapon.' Birmingham City snivellingly apologised to both Grealish and The Villains immediately after the game and said that Mitchell had been banned from St Andrew's for life. He has also been banned from away games. The club said there were 'no excuses' for his behaviour, which 'has no place in football.' West Midlands Police said it was also investigating 'offensive social media posts' which appeared after the goal referencing Grealish's younger brother, who died when the midfielder was four. Birmingham City said it had banned another supporter for life over the 'vile and malicious' tweets. Mitchell, who has been a season ticket holder for twenty years, was said to be 'very remorseful' after realising he had 'brought shame' on his club. His defence asked for community service or a suspended prison sentence but magistrates were having none of it and ruled that 'a message had to be sent out to fans.' The father-of-one's prison sentence 'should be a deterrent,' magistrates added as they sent him off to The Slammer. During the court hearing, Whistance claimed that online threats had been made to Mitchell whilst also using the 'his girlfriend is pregnant so, you know, let him off with a slap on the wrist yer honour,' defence. Whistance claimed that Mitchell's family had 'left the area through fear that they would suffer serious harm or even death.' An FA spokesperson said 'a line had been crossed' and 'strongly condemned' the attack, as well as two other pitch invasions which occurred at the weekend. It has written to Birmingham City to examine the club's security measures. The club said it had begun 'reviewing all of its stewarding, safety and security procedures as a matter of high importance. We will be putting into place extra measures at our stadium designed to help ensure the safety of players, as well as supporters,' a spokesman said. The club also confirmed it was investigating an incident involving a steward 'after Aston Villa players celebrated their goal on Sunday in front of their supporters in the Gil Merrick Stand.' In 2002, a Birmingham City fan who ran on to the St Andrew's pitch and confronted Aston Villains goalkeeper Peter Enckelman was jailed for four months for encroaching the playing area and using threatening behaviour.
A Hibernian fan who 'confronted' Glasgow Rangers captain James Tavernier at the side of the pitch during a match has admitted a breach of the peace charge. Cameron Mack, from Port Seton, climbed over an advertisement hoarding at Easter Road last Friday night. The twenty one-year-old kicked the ball away before the confrontation with the Rangers defender. Mack, who will be sentenced next month, has been extremely banned from attending any football ground in Scotland. His actions were condemned by Hibernian chief executive Leeann Dempster. Speaking after the match, she described the incident as 'completely and utterly unacceptable' and said that the culprit would be 'banned from Easter Road for life.' The confrontation took place almost a week after Glasgow Celtic player Scott Sinclair was almost struck by a glass bottle thrown from the crowd at Easter Road. Over the weekend, there were also incidents at two English matches. The incident at Easter Road took place as Tavernier went to pick up the ball to take a throw-in. At Edinburgh Sheriff Court, fiscal depute Lorraine Almond said that Mack had acted in a disorderly manner, kicked the ball away, approached the Glasgow Rangers defender and 'acted in an aggressive manner towards him.' She said both men pushed each other several times before a steward intervened and the police detained Mack. Deferring sentencing until next month, Sheriff Adrian Cottam told Mack: 'The nature of the offence has caused a lot of discussion and concern and is a serious matter.'
A man has been charged with assaulting The Scum's defender Chris Smalling during a Premier League match at The Arse's Emirates Stadium. Gary Cooper, of Chertsey, was extremely charged with common assault and encroaching on to the playing area. He was bailed to appear at Highbury Corner Magistrates' Court on 26 March. The charge relates to an incident about seventy minutes into Sunday's match which The Arse won two-nil.
A sixteen-year-old male has been very arrested for allegedly calling Huddersfield Town midfielder Philip Billing 'a black donkey' online. Jesus, why the Hell is everybody so nasty these days? Billing tweeted a private message that he had been sent on Instagram, with a 'thumbs down' emoji. Which is Interweb thing that 'young people' use a lot, apparently. In the expletive-ridden message, Billing, a Danish international of Nigerian descent, was told to 'leave our club.' West Yorkshire Police confirmed the arrest was made on Wednesday morning. 'I never want to see you in a Town kit ever again, you useless wannabe black donkey,' the message said. A police statement read: 'Following a report received by West Yorkshire Police ... in relation to abusive racial comments on social media, police have now arrested a sixteen-year-old male. The teenager has been arrested on suspicion of malicious communications and is being investigated as a hate crime. Enquiries remain ongoing. Kirklees District Police would like to reassure the public that this incident has been swiftly and proportionately investigated. All reports of hate incidents are taken extremely seriously by West Yorkshire Police and all such reports will be thoroughly investigated.' Huddersfield said in a statement that the club 'does not tolerate abuse of any kind and has a zero-tolerance stance towards any form of discrimination.' It added: 'We will give our full co-operation to the police to deal with this matter in the strongest possible way.' The campaign group Kick It Out said in a statement: 'We condemn the disgraceful abuse that Philip Billing has received online and call on social media companies to take steps to act against people who use their platforms to carry it out. Recent events underline that players should be protected from abuse both on and off the pitch. We are liaising with Huddersfield Town and have offered our support to Philip.' Billing, who was named youth player of the season in 2016, joined The Terriers in 2014 and has made seventy four senior appearances for the club.
The Sun has grovellingly apologised to the families of the victims of the 1974 Birmingham pub bombings after wrongly suggesting that police resources were diverted at a football match to deal with a group of campaigners who were raising funds to pay for legal fees. The entirely false claim was made in a report in the risible right-wing scum tabloid on the Birmingham City versus Aston Villains game. The paper dedicated multiple pages of coverage to the Jack Grealish incident, describing the 'toxic atmosphere outside the game' where Birmingham City fans were allegedly 'baiting' Villains fans. It also claimed that the 'police had their hands full with a protest also being at the ground' by Justice For The Twenty One, a campaign for the victims of the Birmingham pub bombings, which killed twenty one people and wounded two hundred and twenty. The newspaper said that the campaigners had 'held a demonstration that the police eventually restrained,' putting it in the wider context of the authorities 'losing control' over the stewarding of the match. Justice For The Twenty One said that its members were not demonstrating and did not need to be 'restrained' by police or anything even remotely like it. Instead, they were merely asking for donations from members of the public towards legal fees to ensure families were represented in the recently reopened inquests into the deaths. The families say that they have been 'forced to resort to bucket collections' outside major events after not receiving sufficient public funds through legal aid to pay for their lawyers and that they raised thousands of pounds at Sunday’s match. West Midlands police later confirmed that absolutely no 'protests' had taken place outside Birmingham City's ground on the day of the match. After supporters of Justice For The Twenty One complained to the press regulator, Ipso, the newspaper snivellingly apologised on Wednesday and retracted 'any suggestion' that the campaigners distracted the police. The Sun said: 'We wish to clarify that members of the group were there as fundraisers, not demonstrators and that there was no suggestion that the group had caused any trouble for police.' Except that, of course, there most certainly was that suggestion in the original article. 'The Sun has publicised the work of the group over a number of years, which campaigns for the twenty one victims of the 1974 Birmingham pub bombing. We apologise if any offence was caused.'
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies' youngsters Elias Sorensen, Jamie Sterry and Callum Roberts have all returned to Tyneside from their - utterly pointless - loan spells in the Football League at Blackpool, Crewe Alexandra and Colchester United respectively. The trio have barely featured for their loan clubs since leaving St James' Park in January and are now available for United's remaining Under Twenty Three games following their misadventures in the Football League. All three are highly-regarded at St James' and there has been considerable disquiet over the lack of game-time given to the trio when the whole point in sending them out on loan in the first place was for them to get some valuable league game experience; to the point when Sterry and Sorensen (along with another loanee, Liam Gibson, currently at Accrington Stanley) returned to Newcastle last month to play in an Under Twenty Three game at Leeds. The only one of the trio to actually start a game was right-back Sterry - who has made four first team appearances for United. He completed ninety minutes for Crewe against Northampton Town in League Two but was never called upon again by The Railwaymen thereafter. Three substitute outings for winger Roberts - who scored for Newcastle in the FA Cup against Blackburn in January - totalled a mere thirty seven minutes in the third tier for The U's. Striker Sorensen - who is yet to make his first team debut - fared worst of the three, playing just once for The Tangerines, given thirty two minutes as a substitute against Wycombe soon after arriving at Bloomfield Road. The Dane then failed to appear in any of Blackpool's subsequent eight games and, latterly, wasn't even selected for their match day squads. Given the futility of these loans - and several previous temporary departures from St James' (notably striker Tom Heardman at Bury last year), news that United are seeking to recruit a 'player loan co-ordinator' would appear to be an idea long overdue.
Former England striker Andy Carroll looks to have played his last game for West Hamsters United after another injury setback. Carroll has missed two games with an ankle injury and it appears unlikely he will be fit before the end of the season. While the Hamsters have not made a final decision yet, it is expected they will not offer Carroll another deal when his contract ends in the summer. 'Andy Carroll has an ankle problem,' said Hamsters boss Manuel Pellegrini. 'How serious, we don't know. I cannot tell you.' It means for the fourth time in his six years at the club after an initial loan move from Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws was made permanent, the fifteen million quid striker will have failed to make twenty appearances across all competitions in a season. Given that record, the Hamsters hierarchy 'is considering whether it would be a wise use of resources to offer Carroll a further deal,' according to BBC Sport. Carroll has scored but three goals in the Premier League since April 2017.
Former The Scum and England midfielder Paul Scholes has left his role as Oldham Not Very Athletic manager after just thirty one days. The forty four-year-old took on his first managerial job on 11 February and was only in charge of the League Two club for seven games, winning but one. Scholes said in a statement that he had decided to resign 'with great regret. It unfortunately became clear that I would not be able to operate as I intended and was led to believe prior to taking on the role,' he continued. Scholes took over with The Latics fourteenth in the table, nine points off the play-offs and leaves with them in the same position. He began his reign with a four-one win over Yeovil Town, but three draws and two defeats followed prior to his final match, a two-nil defeat by league leaders Lincoln City on Tuesday. 'I hoped to at the very least, see out my initial term of eighteen months as the manager of a club I've supported all my life,' he said. 'The fans, players, my friends and family all knew how proud and excited I was to take this role. I wish the fans, the players and the staff - who have been tremendous - all the best for the rest of the season and will continue to watch and support the club as a fan.' Scholes made seven hundred and eighteen appearances for The Scum, including four hundred and ninety nine in the Premier League and scored one hundred and fifty five goals in all competitions. He initially announced his retirement at the end of the 2010-11 season, but made a comeback at the start of 2012 before finally calling time on his career in 2013, having won eleven Premier League titles, three FA Cups, two League Cups, five Community Shields and two Champions Leagues. He also played sixty six times for England, retiring after Euro 2004 to focus on his club career. Scholes resigned as a director of National League side Salford upon taking over at Boundary Park, but he retained his shareholding and could now return. The Ammies could be promoted to League Two this season and EFL rules prevent a person holding roles with two clubs at the same time without prior consent, although a holding of ten per cent or less in a club is disregarded providing it is held 'purely for investment purposes.' Moroccan football agent Abdallah Lemsagam became Oldham owner in January 2018 and is now looking for his fifth manager in just over a year, although Scholes' immediate predecessor Pete Wild was only in charge on a caretaker basis. A short club statement said: 'Oldham Athletic Football Club can confirm that Paul Scholes has resigned from his position as first team manager with immediate effect. We would like to place on record our thanks to Paul for his efforts during his spell in charge of the club and would like to wish him well for the future.' There were plenty of people within the game, privately as well as publicly, who told Scholes that cutting his managerial teeth at Oldham was a bad idea. But, such was his long-held desire to manage his hometown club, he ignored them all. As he has proved so regularly as a pundit, Scholes is a straight talker. It was always the case he would resist any outside interference, which is a claim that has been levelled at Lemsagam on more than one occasion and, in the end, the former The Scum midfielder's status became untenable. To many, it will not come as a surprise. To others, there will be a sense of satisfaction given how brutal Scholes has been at dishing out criticism from the comfort of the pundit's chair.
For the first time in thirteen years there will be no German club in the Champions League quarter-finals, a fact not lost on the country's media on Thursday morning after Fußball-Club Bayern München crashed out against Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws. Jürgen Klopp's team emerged victorious from the Allianz Arena against a team who had lost only one of their previous twenty six Champions League fixtures on home soil, but it was the performance more than the result that perturbed the German football media. 'What we have learned from the last sixteen is that German football has shrunk considerably and that it no longer has a place among the big teams in Europe's most important competition,' wrote Jörn Meyn in Der Spiegel, pointing out that three of the teams – Bayern, Borussia Dortmund and Fußballclub Gelsenkirchen-Schalke 04 - were eliminated by English clubs and that the fourth, TSG 1899 Hoffenheim, did not even make it out of their group. 'With an eight-month delay we have seen at club level what was obvious for the national team at the 2018 World Cup: German football has been left behind,' he added. Matthias Brügelmann, in Bild-Zeitung, continued along the same lines, writing that 'the fact is that German football is internationally only second class' and 'that Bayern and Germany need a radical turnaround to be able to compete for titles again.' Bayern were heavily criticised for their performance on Wednesday, with the headline in Kicker saying 'No plan, no courage: Bayern are out' and the paper's chief reporter, Karlheinz Wild, saying that 'even at one-one Liverpool were dominating the game and spending most of the time in the Bayern half.' He added: 'The English team were quicker, more agile and better with the ball and the two-one and, eventually three-one, felt logical.' Niko Kovac was partly to blame, claimed Wild, who wondered whether the Bayern coach 'really thought he could turn the game around by bringing on Renato Sanches?' The Munich paper Abendzeitung described Bayern as 'helpless' and said that they had 'beaten themselves' in front of seventy thousand fans, starting with Manuel Neuer's mistake for Liverpool's opening goal when the goalkeeper came out to try to dispossess Sadio Mané but was left flummoxed by the Liverpool forward's nimble footwork. The outfield players were not spared either with Abendzeitung handing out 'fives' - the worst mark that a player can get in Germany, one being the best – to Neuer, Rafinha, Franck Ribéry and Robert Lewandowski. The Polish forward had failed the 'ultimate test' against Virgil van Dijk and was 'weak in the challenge' and could not keep the ball. Only Javi Martínez was given a good mark - a two. 'Like a starving predator he ran around chasing his prey, the ball. He had a strong first half, winning ninety per cent of his tackles. Bayern's best player,' the paper wrote. Kovac put on a brave face after the defeat, saying that Liverpool 'deserved' to go through and that Bayern would 'focus on winning the domestic double.' He did receive some criticism from his players for his tactics, though, with Lewandowski saying: 'I think we were too defensive. We didn't take enough risks and did not go forward enough. When you look at the two games we did not have many chances and therefore we can't have any arguments when it comes to the outcome.' The Bayern CEO, Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, finished things off by telling German TV that it would be 'great' to have Herr Klopp as Bayern coach, making a really bad night for Kovac considerably worse.
