So, dear blog reader, that-there 2022-23 English football season. What was that all about, then?
Following The Arse's calamitous defeat to Nottingham Forest on 20 May, Sheikh Yer Man City officially secured their third consecutive Premier League title with three games to spare. Becoming, in doing so, the first club other than crosstown rivals The Scum to achieve such a feat in the Premier League era. Because, obviously, if you're a Sky Sports viewer, football actually began in 1992 and everything prior to that (apart from one day at Wembley in 1966) was just a mirage. It was Sheikh Yer Man City's ninth league title overall and their seventh since 2012. And this time, mercifully, village idiot Jack Grealish didn't say something crass and insulting in a drunken post-season interview about any fellow professionals at other clubs. Although, the season hasn't actually finished yet ...
Meanwhile, The Arse broke the record of spending the largest number of days (two hundred and forty eight) on top of the league during a top flight season without actually winning the title. The season began with The Arse going on a five-game unbeaten streak before they lost three-one to The Scum at Old Trafford. Sheikh Yer Man City also got off to a strong start, having signed striker Erling Haaland (whose thirty six league goals beat the Premier League record totals previously set by Alan Shearer and Andy Cole, but not the First Division record set by Dixie Dean - who was, also, clearly, a fictional character); they went on a nine-game unbeaten run before losing at The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in October. The Scum finished third and returned to the Champions League in sour-faced slapheed Erik Ten Hag's debut season as manager, in addition to having won the Carabao Cup. This blogger's beloved Magpies, in fourth, qualified for the Champions League for the first time in twenty years, their highest finish since Sir Bobby Robson was the club's manager in 2003. Eddie Howe's side were defensively solid (they only lost five games all season, fewer than anyone except Sheikh Yer Man City) and, late in the season, free scoring - two things one has seldom associated with Th' Toon for many, many years.
Whinging Herr Klopp's whinging Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, despite a good late run, nevertheless ended the season outside the Champions League places, in fifth, qualifying instead for the Europa League. Which, seemingly, Herr Klopp and Mo Salah both felt was somewhat beneath a club with A Devine Right To Be In The Top Four and a geet massive big collective chip on their collective shoulder. Brighton & Hove Albinos finished sixth, achieving the highest league finish in the club's history and also qualified for the Europa League for the first time (in the process becoming many football supporters' second favourite Premiership team). A significant achievement for Roberto De Zerbi who replaced Graham Potter (and his nasty hipster beard) when the latter defected - for, supposedly greener grass in South London - to Torpedo Stamford Bridge in September. Aston Villains and their notoriously fair-weather support grabbed that all-important seventh place and, consequently, made it into the Europa Conference League play-off round, at the expense of eighth-placed Stottingtot Hotshots (which was, no doubt, to the considerable ire of Spurs's extremely loud army of online commentators. Swear down, blud). To be fair, Stottingtot's season was blighted by injury - most notably the fact that Eric Dier didn't actually have one. Next year will be the first time since 2011 that The Hotshots have failed - miserably - to play in any European competition and they ended this season still without a permanent manager and with Harry Kane, perhaps, having played his last game for the club. Yeah. Good luck with that.
Brentford had an excellent season finishing ninth - themselves, being in contention for a European place right up to a last day win against the champions - despite ending the season with top scorer Ivan Toney banned from football for nine months for breaches of betting rules. Although the staggering hypocrisy of a football association banning a player for betting on football matches when the second, third and fourth tiers of said association's pyramid are all sponsored by Sky Bet is, perhaps, a question worth talking about another day. Fulham and Crystal Palace were tenth and eleventh respectively. The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC had one of their worst Premier League seasons ever becoming the third highest placed team in West London behind both Fulham and Brentford. Which was funny, admittedly. The Blues finished in the bottom half of the table for the first time since 1996 after sacking Thomas Tuchel (you know, the bloke who'd won them The Champions League just over a year earlier) and then, his replacement, Graham Potter (and his nasty hipster beard) whilst appointing Frank Lampard as a (truly disastrous) interim manager. And, despite having also spent nearly four hundred million knicker like it was Monopoly®™ money in the January transfer window. If you're looking for a textbook example of how not to run a piss-up-in-a-brewery, dear blog reader, have yourselves a quiet word with yer man Todd Boehly, he'll steer you in the right direction.
Wolverhampton Wanderings and West Hamsters United both flirted with relegation for a while before pulling clear of the drop-zone in the closing weeks of the season. If The Hamsters win this season's Europa Conference League final (they play Fiorentina in June), they will qualify for next season's Europa League group stage. Wolves will only be in Europe next year if there is another war. Bournemouth, who were almost unanimously tipped for relegation at the start of the season (particularly after a nine-nil defeat at Anfield at the end of August, which saw manager Scott Parker extremely sacked), ended up confounding the critics by avoiding relegation, with Gary O'Neil guiding the team to safety relatively comfortably. Steve Cooper did a similarly unexpected job at Nottingham Forest. Southampton finished rock bottom after eleven consecutive years in the division, whilst Dirty Leeds United failed to repeat the last day escape of the previous season (losing four-one at home to Spurs) and were also relegated, after three years in the top flight. Which put a big, fat scowl on big, fat Sam Allardyce's big, fat mush. So, that was definitely worth watching. Leeds fans reportedly attributed their relegation to 'the actions of a complete oaf.' Allardyce responded: 'It's nice of the guys to blame an oaf but, I can't help thinking I'm partly responsible.' Pubs and chips shop outlets in West Yorkshire have been notified accordingly. Three defeats and one draw during his emergency tenure ensured that there really was nobody 'ahead of him' in football terms, as he had notoriously claimed - apart for the eighteen teams who finished higher in the Premier League, obviously. The sixty eight year-old reportedly trousered five hundred thousand smackers for his month's in charge. Nice work if you can get it.
Leicester City were the third team relegated after a nine year spell in the division and only seven years after being crowned champions, becoming only the second team after Blackburn Rovers to be relegated as former Premier League winners; this, despite winning their final game of the season against West Ham. Presumably Jamie Vardy's missus will have to find some salacious stories about visits to The Stadium of Light or The Riverside to flog to the Sun next year? The queue to entice James Maddison away from The King Power Stadium and the prospect of Championship football next year has already formed. And, it's quite a long one. Meanwhile, Everton escaped relegation on the final day for the third time in the Premier League era with a one-nil win against Bournemouth, extending The Toffees top flight stay to seventy consecutive years for next season. And, meaning that one of the 'nobodies' ahead of Sam Allardyce - in footballing terms - is ... Sean Dyche. Oh, the shame.
Vincent Kompany's Burnley wasted no time after last year's relegation, coming straight back up to the Premier League after achieving automatic promotion from The Championship faster than anyone else, before beating Cardiff City on the final day of the season which meant Kompany became the first ever points centurion as both a player (with Sheikh Yer Man City) and a manager. Burnley secured automatic promotion on 7 April with a two-one win at Middlesbrough and made sure of the title on 25 April by defeating their fiercest rivals Blackburn Vindaloos. Sheffield United sealed the second automatic place, beating West Brom on 26 April, achieving promotion under Paul Heckingbottom, who was appointed in November 2021 with The Blades languishing in sixteenth place in the division. When it came to the play-off race, it was anything but comfortable for the majority of teams who were scrapping it out for a spot in the top six. It ended up boiling down to the final day of the regular season, as it has so many times previously. Blackburn, who themselves still had an outside chance of a top six finish, ended Millwall's hopes of promotion after coming from behind and winning four-three. Gary Rowett would have been devastated, as a win would have seen his side finish fifth, instead defeat saw them finish the campaign in eighth, one point away from a play-off place. It was The Mackem Filth who took full advantage of the result at The Den, defeating Preston Both Ends and moving into sixth place on goal difference.
In the end the play-off final was between two clubs on the rise, Luton Town and Coventry City who, between them, conspired to keep this blogger's beloved Magpies as the sole North East team in the Premier League by defeating The Mackem Filth and The Smoggies in their respective play-off semi-finals. Luton eventually won the third promotion spot on penalties. It has been a remarkable rise for Luton, who were playing non-league football as recently as 2014. A penny for Nathan Jones' thoughts, though. The Welshman left Luton in November to take over at Premier League strugglers Southampton. He was unable to replicate the kind of success he had achieved with The Hatters and found himself out of a job in February. His replacement at Luton, Rob Edwards, who had himself been sacked by Luton's fierce rivals Watford in October, then stepped in and led Luton to the top flight for the first time since 1992. As for the trigger-happy Hornets, they brought in Slaven Bilic to replace Edwards and then sacked him to appoint Chris Wilder in March. Wilder had been sacked by Middlesbrough at the start of the season (to be replaced by Michael Carrick) and Watford have now installed Valerien Ismael for next season. Or, at least, part of next season until they get sick of him as well. Comeback kid of the year must be Middlesbrough striker - and Championship golden boot winner - Chuba Akpom. The twenty seven-year-old spent the previous season on loan in Greece and started the current campaign without a squad number at The Riverside, but forced his way into The Smoggies starting eleven and went on to bag a whopping twenty nine goals in all competitions and claim the division's player of the season award. West Bromwich Albinos finished ninth, a significant improvement after having been in the relegation places before they - hilariously - gave risible managerial fraud Steve Bruce (nasty to see him, to see him ... nasty) the old tin-tack in October and replaced him with someone who actually knew what he was doing.
At the other end of the table, the bottom three were decided before the final day of the season. Reading and Wigan Not Very Athletic were both deducted points for various infractions and these proved to be too much ground to make up as they were both relegated to League One along with Blackpool, who suffered from the dreaded second season syndrome. Kolo Toure won none of his nine games in charge of Wigan before being sacked in February. The Latics once again face an uncertain future after being relegated to League One and being hit with a further eight-point deduction for failing to meet an EFL funding deadline. One of the contenders for manager of the season was Old Neil Warnock as he managed to get Huddersfield Town from bottom of the league to nine points clear of the drop-zone after coming in as manager in February. Cardiff City, Rotherham and Queens Park Strangers also narrowly avoided the drop.
Josh Windass' goal to send Sheffield Wednesday up to the Championship with the final kick of the English Football League season drew an emphatic line under an epic League One campaign. A fascinating four-way promotion battle unfolded with Plymouth Argyle and Ipswich Town gaining automatic promotion, Argyle winning the division with one hundred and one points and The Tractor Boys a mere three points behind. If we're talking comebacks on the pitch then nothing tops Sheffield Wednesday's miraculous play-off semi-final win over Peterborough. The Owls, who had finished third in the regular season on ninety six points, were hammered four-nil in the first leg by Darren Ferguson's Posh to, apparently, leave their promotion hopes in tatters. No club has ever overcome more than a two-goal first-leg deficit before but, roared on by a rocking Hillsborough crowd, they made it four-four on aggregate with the final kick of the ninety minutes and eventually won the tie on penalties. Wednesday then won the play-off final with Windass' diving header - the last action of extra-time against Barnsley - to cap off what boss Darren Moore called 'a fairytale.' Barnsley had beaten Notlob Wanderers in their tight semi-final. Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws boss Herr Klopp was so impressed by Conor Bradley's form on-loan at Notlob that he has suggested the Northern Ireland international will be involved in his first-team squad next season. Another player who could be featuring in the top flight in 2023-24 - having starred in the third tier this year - is Crystal Palace winger Jesurun Rak-Sakyi. The twenty-year-old scored fifteen goals whilst on-loan with Charlton Athletic. Amongst those who flirted with play-off places but, ultimately, came up short, were Derby County, Portsmouth, Wycombe Wanderers, Charlton and Lincoln City. The bottom four teams were relegated to League Two. Forest Green Rovers' (and their vegan pies) relegation was confirmed on 15 April with a five-one home thrashing by Barnsley, while the other three places were decided on the final day of the season as Milton Keynes Dons drew at Burton, Morecambe (but, not And Wise) lost at Exeter and Accrington Stanley (who are they?) went down despite a two-one win at Oxford United. Cambridge United, Oxford and Port Vale finished clear of the relegation places. Ex-Everton and Newcastle striker Duncan Ferguson will hope to have his Forest Green side challenging at the top end of their division next season after a chastening first few months as a manager. To be fair to Big Dunc, Rovers already looked doomed at the foot of League One when he took over in January. But he still would have hoped for more than a solitary win in his eighteen matches in charge as they finished nineteen points adrift of safety. Things went no better for Wee Jody Morris in his first managerial appointment at Swindon Town. Appointed in January the former Chelski coach was sacked by the League Two side before the final game of the season after losing ten of his nineteen matches in charge in Wiltshire.
Leyton Orient made sure of promotion from League Two on 18 April despite losing at Gillingham and clinched the title four days later beating Crewe. The O's made a superb start and, despite dropping form somewhat in the second half of the campaign, claimed the title with something to spare. Not bad for a team who had finished thirteenth in 2021-22. Stevenage were promoted on 29 April after beating Grimsby two-nil and Northampton Town earned the final automatic promotion place defeating Tranmere on the final day of the season. Jon Brady's Cobblers had missed out on third place last season on goals scored, after Bristol Rovers thumped relegated Scunthorpe seven-nil, but there were no such concerns this time out as Northants' win at Tranmere was enough to send them to League One. Carlisle United were the fourth team promoted as they beat Stockport on penalties in the play-off final. Carlisle picked up midfielder Owen Moxon from Scottish League Two side Annan last summer and the twenty five-year-old claimed fifteen assists and six goals as they won promotion. Bradford City and Salford also qualified for the play-offs with Mansfield Town missing out only on goal difference The bottom two teams were relegated to the National League, with Rochdale's one hundred and two-year stay in the Football League ending after they lost at Stockport on 22 April. Hartlepool United joined them a week later despite beating Barrow three-one. Crawley Town AFC Wimbledon and Colchester United successfully avoided the drop.
National League Champions Wrexham clinched automatic promotion to League Two by beating Boreham Wood three-one on 22 April. Phil Parkinson's men - backed, of course, by Hollywood actors Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney - claimed the title with a staggering one hundred and eleven points, four ahead of Notts County. The (Other) Magpies then came back from two-nil down to win their play-off semi-final in extra-time and then twice came from behind to win the play-off final against Chesterfield on penalties on 13 May. So, the oldest former Football League club are now back in the Football League after a four year absence. Woking, Barnet, Boreham Wood and Bromley also competed in the play-offs. The bottom four teams are relegated to National League North or South and, for the first time ever, all of them were former Football League outfits. Maidstone United became the first club in England's top leagues to be relegated after losing four-nil to Boreham Wood on 1 April. Scunthorpe United joined them on 10 April after losing to Oldham for their second relegation in successive seasons, as did Yeovil Town after they lost at Wrexham on 18 April. Torquay United were relegated on the final day of the season despite drawing with the champions. Wor geet canny Gatesheed finished a respectable fourteenth. The relegated clubs will be replaced by National League North champions AFC Fylde and play-off winners Kidderminster Harriers and National League South champions Ebbsfleet United and play-off winners Oxford City.
This blog's round-up of the Scottish, Welsh, Northern Irish and European leagues this season, plus some coverage of a few blokes having a kick-about in the local park will follow in a week or two.
