Stadium of Plight?

Anyone watching Sky's Football First last night might've been more than a shade startled and/or perfectly terrified by Sarah-Jane Mee's rapidly growing darza of a beehive.

Jesus, if that gets much taller it'll be poking through the roof, love. What do you think this is, 1963?

Of course, if you were watching Football First there can only have been one reason. And it wasn't Sarah-Jane's honey-dripping beehive. Or Paul Walsh's barely monosyllabic comments (it's not a sprint, like, its a marafon, the Premier League, innit?') it was for the most important game of the day, if not indeed the whole season. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies continue to hold the upper hand in recent Tyne-Wear derbies as Ryan Taylor's whippy free-kick earned them a win over The Disgraceful Mackems Slime. The hosts - who've getting been a bit uppity of late what with all their 'we've signed more players than you' malarkey and, frankly, needed a good slapping down and putting in their place - had more possession for most of the first half and the opening exchanges of the second although they had about as much penetration as a ... hang on a sec. Careful Sarah, will you, you could have someone's eye out with that thing. Right, back to the match. Joey Barton - having spent the week, as usual, as public enemy number one of every scum newspaper in the country (he's responsible for all of the ills in the world, you know? The riots? That was Joey Barton. The situation in Syria? Yep , that's Joey too) was denied a goal when his header was punched over the bar by Sebastian Larsson. Appeals for a penalty were turned down by Howard Webb. And his guide dog. Of course, if it had been the other way around and it had been Barton on the line sticking his arms up, no doubt he would have been up before the FA on a charge on 'being a bastard' first thing on Monday morning. It looked for a while as though that incident might prove pivotal in the match but Taylor's free arrow-like kick flew straight in on sixty two minutes. Miss Stéphanie Sessègnon and Asamoah Gyan both had chances for Sunderland, whilst Phil Bardsley was sent off late in the game for a ghastly and crude two-footed tackle on Fabricio Coloccini that could have broken the Argentine's leg. Fortunately, although the game was keenly-contested it did not quite reach boiling point - despite Lee Cattermole spending most of the ninety minutes going round kicking anything that moved (and, anything that didn't just in case it tried). Victory for Alan Pardew's side means that Newcastle are unbeaten in four league games against their North-East rivals. In fact, they've only lost once at Blunderland since 1980. You know, Andy O'Brien, Liam O'Brien, any any any O'Brien ... and all that. Now, it seems, it's Oh, Ryan. Heh. Sorry. Anyway, the manager will have been happy to earn three points during a taxing week following all of the crassly hyped controversy of their match against Arsenal last weekend. And, let's face it four points out of a possible six from the opening two games with no goals conceded by a team with, supposedly, a traditionally weak defence is decent in anyone's language. Although, given the way Arsenal are playing at the moment, last week might come to be regarded as two points dropped rather than one gained. Webb will probably be content, too, that the incident involving Barton did not decide an otherwise tough but entertaining match. Blunderland will doubtless be angry that they did not get any reward from a game for which they controlled - in terms of possession if not chances - for large chunks. But, they lacked any sort of cutting edge up front. It was not quite as bad as last autumn's 5-1 pants down thrashing at St James' Park for Fat Steve Bruce, but this was still a very bad result for the - alleged - boyhood Newcastle fan who must be well pissed off that his next home game is against Moscow Chelski FC. Bruce's side set the tempo early on with Sessègnon effective in a hole between Newcastle's midfield and defence. It wasn't long before the Benin international carved out the first chance for the home side, but his fierce shot was tipped over by Tim Krul. Deployed as a holding midfielder alongside an uncharacteristically off-the-pace Cheik Tioté in Pardew's 4-2-3-1 formation, Barton, who attempted too many ambitious long passes, failed to prevent Blunderland enjoying the better of the first half. Just as it looked as though a Blunderland goal may come, the tide was stemmed by a moment of controversy on fifteen minutes. From a corner Barton nodded Shola Ameobi's header towards goal and it struck Larsson's arm as it was heading for the top of the net. Pandemonium inside the Stadium of Shite. The Geordies went mental. The Mackems just stood around looking a bit shamefaced and Larsson's 'who, guv? Me, guv?' charged towards the linesman to protest his innocence and claim he'd headed it was, frankly, a bit 'the lady doth protest too much.' TV replays subsequently justified Barton's righteous sense of frustration and despite appeals from Newcastle's players to Webb and his assistant (and his dog), the end result was but a corner. Yohan Cabaye was perhaps fortunate only to pick up a booking for a dangerous-looking high tackle on Bardsley, and several players went into the book in the second half as the temperature rose on the pitch. Not only a lovely passer of the ball, the former Lille playmaker showed he can put his foot in, too. More constructively, though, Cabaye forced Simon Mignolet into a fine save courtesy of a curving, dipping, long-range strike. Looks like Newcastle might've signed a good'un in the Frenchie. But Bruce's side remained in the ascendancy as Sessegnon again worked Krul and Gyan clipped the top of the bar with a left-foot curler just before half-time. That left Newcastle looking to break on the counter and target Ameobi from deep corners. Although Cabaye had another swerving shot saved, they made few inroads in the first half. Blunderland began the second half in quieter fashion and that, along with Ryan Taylor's supreme accuracy swung the game back in favour of the visitors. Jonas Gutierrez served notice of his intent with a shot on the hour, and it was the Argentine who was brought down - by Cattermole - for the free-kick which led to Taylor's strike. From the left the defender arrowed his kick into the top right corner, past a flailing Mignolet, and although Steven Taylor aimed to get a touch on it at the back post, the ball flew straight in to give the Newcastle fans The Horn. Coloccini and Steven Taylor – later joined by Mike Williamson as Pardew switched to a flat back five – remained as solid as the eight-foot metal barrier that police had erected outside the stadium to separate rival fans. Bookings for Cattermole and Barton predictably followed and the latter also had the ball in the back of the net late on but was rightly ruled for a marginal but clear offside. Further chances came for Gyan and substitute Craig Gardner, who made his Blunderland debut and young Dan Gosling should have sewn it up for The Glorious Magpies in injury time having been put through one-on-one by Ameobi's delicate flick-on. But, his arse fell out and he shot weakly at Mignolet. Nevertheless, it was a welcome relief that Taylor's goal proved to be the difference between the sides rather than any moment of controversy or discombobulation. While Bardsley's sending off was thoroughly deserved, it served as a mere footnote to a passionate, tough encounter and capped a frustrating afternoon for The Disgraceful Mackem Slime. Which, let's face it, is always a good thing.

Same Old Arsenal, Always Down To Ten Men!

The Premier League kicked off its 2011-12 season with a day of, frankly, not a lot of excitement. Only six matches were played due to a combination of Sky's schedules and Tottenham Hotshots being too ruddy scared to go out in public in case they got rioted against. In the games that were played Arsenal and Liverpool dropped points against the Geordies and the Mackems, and Poor Old Queens Park Rangers Nil had the sort of opening day that promoted clubs usually dream about. If they've eaten lots of cheese before they went to bed. Gervinho managed to get his ass sent off on his Arsenal debut as Arsène Wenger's side made an unconvincing start to life without Cesc Fábregas and Samir Nasri. It was inevitable, of course. Joey Barton has been the centre of attention all summer on Tyneside - for all sorts of reasons - and he was again in the thick of it at St James' Park on Saturday. With just over a quarter of an hour left the game degenerated into bad-tempered controversy. Gervinho appeared to dive rather theatrically in the penalty area attempting to make a bit of a meal of a hefty-but-fair challenge by Cheick Tioté. The referee, Peter Walton, was having none of it. Barton came across to tell Gervinho to get on with the game and did so. Forcefully. By grabbing him by the scruff of the neck. Steven Taylor tried to intervene and split them up when Gervinho slapped Barton across his mush. That Barton went down as if one of the Klitschko brothers had chinned him was hardly valorous but Gervinho was crassly stupid to do what he did. It was history repeating for Arsenal. In their last visit, that dramatic 4-4 in January, Abou Diaby had been sent off for pushing over Barton. (As the lads at nufc.com noted: 'It was almost the same as last year, just minus the eight goals.') Even earlier in this weekend's game, Barton felt - probably justly - that Alex Song should have been sent to the stands for stamping on him. He clearly gets under this Arsenal team's skin - which is one very good reason why he should be a national treasure - as evidence by Arsene Wnger stalking down the touchline at the end of the game seemingly about to give Barton a mouthful of je ne sais quoi before thinking better of it. Which was a first. Of course, the incident brought out both the best and the worst in pretty much everyone - this blogger very much included. I loved, for instance, Danny Baker's full-hearted defence of Barton on Twitter: 'Arsenal are phoney whiney tough guys - like the cast of Glee doing Scarface. Love the idea that Joey Barton alone is spoiling football from being a parade of graceful athletes. People hurrying past Song to hate him. Football is not the beautiful game. It is the world's drama, theatre, catharsis, riot. The Joey Barton's will never be an advertisers puppy.' Contrast that, for example, with the thoroughly odious and worthless Brian Woolnaugh's 'won't somebody please think of the children!' hysterics on Soccer Supplement on Sunday morning, which appeared to be one short step away from blaming the London riots, the imprisonment of Nelson Mandela and the murder of the Kennedys on Barton. 'Who died and made Brian Woolnough an oracle on football? Has this nugget ever been part of a team or played any form of the game?' asked Barton. No, but he does work for a newspaper that makes up quotes to substantiate non-stories and, previously, worked for an organisation - News International - which hacked the voicemail of a murdered schoolgirl and the relatives of other victims of crime. So, you know, no one is innocent is all I'm saying. That Barton was even playing would have seemed impossible ten days ago. There has been a rapprochement with the club and he may yet stay for the season. His selection was certainly popular with the crowd. They cheered his name loudest when the teams were read out and chanted it before kick off. Barton responding with a salute. The Arsenal crowd made their feelings clear, too. Even before the red card, this was a flat and sterile performance against a Magpies side that struggled to keep sustained possession for large chunks of the game. With twenty minutes left the Arse support was chanting for Wenger to 'spend some of your fucking money.' And they kept chanting it. Most of Arsenal's chances came from Newcastle mistakes rather than their own creativity. Tim Krul came closest to scoring for the visitors, nearly pushing into his own net under pressure from Laurent Koscielny, Danny Simpson clearing off the line. For the home side, Alan Pardew tried to do something about his team's one dimensional approach at half-time. He kept them in the dressing room much longer than Wenger did Arsenal and when they emerged the unimpressive Demba Ba had been replaced by Gabriel Obertan, who took up a position in the hole behind the not-much-better Shola Ameobi. He was impressive in the role and will surely start the next game in a midfield that also includes the interesting-looking, if apt-to-go-missing-for-a-while Yohan Cabaye. Indeed Newcastle were much the better side in the second half albeit without ever really creating a clear cut chance. An expectant Anfield was left just as disappointed as Wenger's men as Kenny Dalglish's much changed and very expensive Liverpool kicked off the new season with a rather tame 1-1 draw at home to Blunderland. Luis Suarez missed from the penalty spot before heading his side into a first-half lead, only for debutant Sebastian Larsson to silence the Kop after the break with a majestic leveller on the volley. Eighty million quid and you can't even beat the Mackems. Dear, oh dear. Top-flight new boys Norwich City and QPR experienced contrasting fortunes on their respective returns to the big time. While Norwich were grinding out a creditable point on their travels to Wigan Athletic, Neil Warnock's Hoops were being comprehensively spanked by a Bolton side who strolled to a 4-0 victory in the capital. Wolves were not as emphatic but no less impressive as they came from behind to claim a 2-1 win at Blackburn Rovers which will put a smile on that miserable oaf Mick McCarthy's boat. The day's other goalless stalemate ensued in the capital as Fulham drew a blank against a resolute Aston Villa, who marked Alex McLeish's bow in the dugout with a decent point. A Liverpool side which included new boys Charlie Adam, Jordan Henderson, Stewart Downing and Jose Enrique as well as January purchases Suarez and Andy Carroll, impressed in the first half at Anfield but faded thereafter as Sunderland left Merseyside with a share of the spoils. Suarez was at the epicentre of all that intrigued during an enterprising opening period. On five minutes he looked odds-on to score as he rounded Simon Mignolet in Sunderland's goal following a rapid Liverpool counter-attack, only to be hauled down by Kieran Richardson. Phil Dowd showed some opening day goodwill in brandishing a yellow card rather than a red one, with the home side's ire exacerbated when Suarez blazed the resulting penalty wildly over the crossbar. It was a disappointment that proved to be short lived. A trademark Adam delivery from a set-piece wide on the right saw Suarez stoop to connect with a header from close range on twelve minutes, which beat Mignolet's flailing efforts with his feet. Whatever Steve Bruce said at the interval in the away side's dressing room had the desired effect. When it arrived Larsson's leveller was a thing of rare beauty, as Stephane Sessegnon's deep cross slung in from the right was met with a delectable scissor kick that left Jose Reina rooted. Having endured a summer of considerable uncertainty and too many chicken jokes, Blackburn Rovers supporters were handed a fillip on twenty minutes at Ewood Park as Jason Roberts bulldozed through a Wolves backline that parted like the Red Sea, allowing the Argentine Mauro Formica to angle a low drive past Wayne Hennessey. It was a lead they held for just two minutes as a bright Wolverhampton move down the right culminated with Matthew Jarvis dinking a smart ball to the back post that allowed Steven Fletcher to climb above Michel Salgado to level. If Salgado was susceptible for Wolves' first he was almost certainly culpable for the second, as his mistimed tackle on Jarvis after the break culminated in a spot-kick. Kevin Doyle's effort was meek and easily repelled by Paul Robinson but when from the resulting scramble the ball fell to Stephen Ward, his sweeping volley from the edge of the box was perfectly executed as it nestled in the corner. Bolton stopper Gary Cahill will have impressed the watching scouts at Loftus Road as his effort on the stroke of half-time deflated Queen's Park Rangers' top-flight return and set the ball rolling for a 4-0 mauling that ended in Clint Hill being sent-off at the death for violent conduct. Cahill's goal was a strike of genuine quality as he took debutant Chris Eagles' pass before bending a sumptuous twenty-yard left-foot drive beyond Paddy Kenny's despairing dive. In truth the party atmosphere lasted less than ten minutes as the familiar sight of Kieron Dyer on a stretcher had the club's board counting the cost of Neil Warnock's gamble on the one-time England man. Subsequent x-rays showed that Dyer did not suffer a broken foot as had been speculated. Dyer has been plagued by injuries throughout his career, managing only thirty five appearances during his four seasons with the Hamsters after sustaining a broken leg and also suffering with a recurring hamstring problem. Injuries also affected his time at Newcastle, when hamstring trouble kept him sidelined for several periods. Dyer should probably look on the bright side, however - let's face it if he'd been a horse he'd've been shot by now. It got no better for the Hoops after the interval. Eagles was the architect again for Bolton's second as his whipped in free-kick took a deflection before Danny Gabbidon inexplicably stuck out his foot to edge the ball over his own goal line. Further insipid defending was punished as the difference between the Championship and Premier League was exposed again, as Ivan Klasnic was afforded too much time to get his shot away from the edge of the box, with Kenny again caught off guard by an unfortunate deflection. With Bolton buoyant three became four before full-time as Fabrice Muamba coolly converted Klasnic's slide-rule pass with consummate ease. Ritchie de Laet endured a nightmare on his Norwich debut as his trip in the area on Franco di Santo allowed Wigan midfielder Ben Watson to emphatically register from the penalty spot. With Paul Lambert a typically energetic presence on the touchline the Canaries dug deep and after Grant Holt missed a gilt-edged opportunity from close range, team-mate Wesley Hoolahan showed him how to do it when he punished a fumble from Ali Al Habsi on the stroke of half-time to lash home a leveller. Both teams were guilty of profligacy in front of goal in the second half as Watson went closest to conjuring a winner as his crisp strike cracked the post. A drab goalless affair ensued in West London as Fulham and Aston Villa could not be separated. John Arne Riise came close to capping his Premier League debut for the Cottagers with a goal only to see his effort drift narrowly wide. Both sides had half chances thereafter but a stalemate that will not live long in the memory will do little to silence those who feel both sides lack sufficient options in attack. Tomorrow, Moscow Chelski FC and The Scum get their seasons underway whilst Sheikh Yer Man City have to wait until Monday to have a go at promoted Swansea.

And, the main question to be asking after watching it all on Match of the Day, though, was who the hell had done that to Shearer's hair? On his forty first birthday an'all. That's just not right. Once upon a time a world of centre halves trembled and used to get an elbow in the face for just looking at him in a funny way. Now somebody's done that to his barnet and, seemingly, got away with it.

You can tell me who it was, Al, I'll fix him for you.

I Predict A Riot

The Times and Daily Torygraph have attacked football's governing bodies as the lockout of sports journalists from matches over media accreditation disrupted newspaper reports over the weekend, with Tuesday night's coverage of the Carling Cup also expected to be hit like one of Peter Lorrimer's thunderbolt free kicks. Newspaper coverage of the opening matches of the football season was hit as sports journalists from national titles, news and picture agencies were locked out of all but a handful of the thirty six games, after talks broke down on Wednesday night between the Premier League, Football League and a media coalition. Many, but not all, national newspapers dropped match reports over the weekend, with a number also dropping, or limiting, mentions of sponsors' names. Many regional newspapers which take copy and pictures from news and picture services were also affected after the Press Association, a major supplier of sports content, said on Friday that it would not be covering any Football League fixtures over the weekend.

On Monday The Times opted to raise the issue in its third leader on page two, calling the opening weekend of the new season 'a farce' and saying that administrators at the football bodies 'could not be more inept. Instead of encouraging maximum coverage of matches on a marquee weekend, football's ruling bodies have minimised the projection of their product, to the detriment of fans and sponsors alike,' the paper said. Henry Winter, the Torygraph's highly respected football correspondent, called the football bodies 'short-sighted' and argued that the lockout was 'a spectacular own goal. How naïve are the leagues? Do they not want publicity? Do they not appreciate that newspapers, whether in print, online or via Twitter, keep fanning the flames of supporters' interest in clubs?' he said in a piece published on Saturday evening. 'The intelligent clubs understand the mutually beneficial relationship between them and newspapers. Rapprochement is required before a great sport suffers lasting damage.' Winter threatened that if newspapers 'fall out of love' with football they could choose focus more on sports such as cricket or rugby union to make the sport's governing bodies 'realise to their cost what an own goal this ban has been.' The Gruniad also referred to the dispute in its Monday sports section, with Matt Scott reporting that the paper's coverage had been restricted by 'our being denied access to grounds.' One of the key areas of dispute in the agreement is outdated live reporting rights – the existing deal dates back to 2003-04, two years before Twitter even launched – which are currently restricted to a number of 'windows' in a game when updates can be provided. A league source close to the negotiations rejected the notion that the football bodies are out-of-touch 'dinosaurs' and argued that newspapers are not being given the full facts on the proposals by the coalition bargaining on their behalf. 'We are not dinosaurs and we understand the mutually beneficial relationship we have with newspapers,' said the source. 'The way it's being painted I can understand the newspapers' reaction, but the feeling is over here is that they're not being given the full facts by the News Media Coalition.' They added: 'The position over Twitter and social media has been totally misrepresented by the News Media Coalition. Journalists will have greater freedom to tweet under the proposed new agreement.' Among the Football League's Championship, League One and League Two clubs which began their season at the weekend, only Brighton & Hove Albion, West Ham United and Accrington Stanley (who are they?) defied the order to bar journalists from matches. Clubs were ordered by the football bodies not to admit reporters from newspapers and media outlets who had not signed a temporary rights deal. The two sides are understood to be no closer to resuming negotiations, meaning that coverage of the thirty two matches of the opening round of the Carling Cup being played on Tuesday night look set to hit. Npower, the title sponsor of the Football League, did not provide an updated comment on the disruption beyond the statement issued on Friday that it 'hopes negotiations can be concluded swiftly.' A spokesman for Premier League sponsor Barclays, which is likely to see coverage of its brand curtailed if an agreement is not reached before kick-off this weekend, said: 'We are not going to pass any comment on this story at as we see it as separate dispute between the Premier League, Football League and the media.' The football bodies have offered media an extension of the existing deal, with a seven-day termination clause so no media outlet is tied to it, with the aim of hammering out an agreement in the first few weeks of the season. The News Media Coalition, which is collectively bargaining for news and picture agencies with the Newspaper Publishers Association, which represents most of the national titles, has rejected this offer.

Still on the subject of footie, Gabriel Obertan is set to move from The Scum to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (but, still unsellable) Magpies on Monday. The twenty two-year-old French winger signed for the Old Trafford club from Bordeaux in July 2009 but failed to gain a regular place in the first team. 'I wanted to bring pace and he will bring us genuine pace,' manager Alan Pardew told BBC Newcastle on Saturday. 'I think away from home last year that was a problem for us hitting teams on the break - Obertan will offer that.' He added: 'He hasn't had many opportunities at Manchester United. I think he'll get more opportunities here and his confidence will grow. He'll become a stronger and a more physical player. Sir Alex is somebody I know well and he thinks he'll do very well for us and so do I. It's done so much as medicals, you don't want to say it's definitely done, but we're looking forward to seeing him.' Obertan is a former attendee of France's famous Clairefontaine academy. He made twenty eight appearances and scored once in regular competition during his time at Manchester United. That strike came in United's 3-0 win away to Turkish side Bursaspor in the Champions League in November 2010. Obertan would become the fifth French speaking player to sign for Newcastle during this transfer window, following the arrivals of Demba Ba, Yohan Cabaye, Sylvain Marveaux and Mehdi Abeid. Add those to the three Frenchies (or, French speakers) they already have in Hatem Ben Arfa, Cheick Tiote and Yven Moyo and it might be a case of onions, frogs legs and a bit of the old ooh-la-la in Les Toon's salle de kit next season. C'est la Vie. Rumours that Monsieur Joey Le Barton has a bit of the hot Latin temperament in him cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied.

Two football matches have been postponed and questions raised over other sporting events after a third successive night of rioting in London. Tuesday's games at Charlton and West Ham United were called off on police advice. In the case of the latter, it was a pity as this blogger feels that obese buffoon Sam Allardyce could've been given to the rioters for target practice to appease their wrathful and naughty ways. BBC Sport says that it understands the Football Association will 'hold a routine meeting with police' on Tuesday over whether England's friendly with the Netherlands will go ahead. England's cricket team were locked in their hotel ahead of the Test against India amid trouble in Birmingham. The team are staying in the city centre ahead of Wednesday's contest at Edgbaston, with England scheduled the practise at the ground on Tuesday. Batsman Kevin Pietersen relayed the information to broadcaster Piers Morgan in a tweet. 'They have just locked our hotel in Birmingham mate. Riots just started here. Insane,' stated Pietersen on Twitter. His colleague Tim Bresnan added on the social networking site: 'Just seen the rioters in Birmingham fleeing down the main street followed by a load of police in the full get up. What's going on?' It's a riot, mate. You're from Leeds, surely you've seen one of them before? BBC sports news reporter Joe Wilson said on Tuesday that nearby hotels had been advised to lock their doors. He wrote: 'Helicopters circling over Bull Ring, about half mile from England hotel. Spoke to England head of security, confident all players safe.' Meanwhile, the FA will be guided by police advice, but at this stage is planning for Wednesday's game between England and the Netherlands to go ahead. A Metropolitan Police spokesman added: 'Every football match in London is subject to assessment around police resources.' The managing director of Club England, Adrian Bevington, stated that he was heading to Wembley Stadium early on Tuesday to discuss the matter. 'Deplorable scenes of disorder once more - heading into Wembley now for meetings,' he tweeted. Isn't it just beyond great to know that, these days, journalists get all of their information about anything from frigging Twitter? West Ham said in a statement that they were informed by police that 'all major public events in London were to be rearranged because of the need to focus police resources elsewhere.' A Metropolitan Police spokesman said they were aware of the West Ham statement, but were unable to comment on any potential impact on the England game at this stage. Crystal Palace are also set to play Crawley Town at Selhurst Park on Tuesday and that game may also be affected, given the stadium is close to the scene of disorder in Croydon. In London, violence broke out for a third consecutive day with riot police deployed and firefighters tackling blazes across the capital, following disturbances in Tottenham on Saturday evening and Enfield on Sunday night. Shops were looted and buildings, among them a furniture store in Croydon, set alight as police clashed with youths. Meanwhile, rioting spread across London on a third night of violence, with 'unrest' flaring up in other English cities. An extra seventeen hundred police officers were deployed in London, where shops were looted and buildings were set alight. Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester and Bristol also experienced disturbance. The prime minister has returned early from his holiday to discuss the unrest, which first flared on Saturday after a peaceful protest in Tottenham over the fatal shooting of a man by police. Because, of course, as everyone knows, what's really needed to calm down an inflamed situation is to thieve a new pair of trainers and a wide-screen HD ready telly. West Ham's game against Aldershot was the first to be called off, announcing the news on the Hammers website. Charlton's stadium, The Valley, is close to Lewisham where rioting occurred on Monday. A statement on Charlton's website read: 'Clearly the most important factor is the people's safety. The police have told us they believe the match should be postponed on safety grounds and obviously we have taken that advice.' BBC sports news reporter Leon Mann tweeted: 'Organisers of Ghana v Nigeria tell me game still set to go ahead tomorrow at Watford FC as planned.'

So It Ain't So, Joe!

ESPN has renewed its exclusive broadcast agreements to Italian, Dutch and Russian football, as well as made its English Premier League goals mobile app free to all users. The new deals enable ESPN to continue offering live and exclusive coverage of Italian Serie A, as well as the Dutch Eredivisie and the Russian Premier Liga. ESPN said that it will air at least two matches each week from Italy's top division, alongside Coppa Italia games, and the Italian Super Cup clash between AC Milan and Internazionale this month. It will also broadcast 'dozens' of games each season from the Dutch and Russian top leagues. The Disney-owned broadcaster, which expanded its UK market position in 2009 following the collapse of Setanta UK, will continue to broadcast magazine programme ESPN Kicks - Serie A, alongside weekly highlights and goals from the Eredivisie and the Russian Premier Liga. Jeroen Oerlemans, the vice-president of TV channels at ESPN, said: 'The renewal of these agreements is an excellent result for all football fans in the UK, giving them access to live and exclusive coverage of some of Europe's leading football leagues and competitions. We are building an excellent portfolio of live football and sport on ESPN.' ESPN snapped up the rights to Serie A, along with German, Dutch and Russian football to bolster the reduction of its English Premier League TV rights down to just twenty three games per season in 2010-2011, with Sky holding the remaining one hundred and fifteen. Last month, the broadcaster announced its opening fixtures for the 2011-2012 football season, starting with Newcastle's clash against Arsenal on 13 August. ESPN has also today launched an enhanced version of its ESPN Goals app, the mobile service offering 'near live' highlights of all goals during the Premier League season.

And, speaking of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (if unsellable) Magpies, Joey Barton will be allowed to leave Newcastle on a free transfer, the club has announced. Relations between the twenty eight-year-old and the club have been strained after contract negotiations broke down earlier in the summer, leading to Barton frequently airing his frustrations on Twitter. 'Newcastle United can confirm that Joey Barton has been placed on the transfer list on Monday,' said a club statement. 'The player has been advised that he can leave the club on a free transfer.' And, as usual, that was all they said, because the idea of them actually letting the supporters of the club know just what the smegging hell is going on up there is, obviously, too much like hard work for the vile and odious Ashley and his mouthpiece. Earlier on Monday, Barton, who has a year remaining on his contract at St James' Park said on Twitter that he would make an announcement on his future at 4pm. But before he could do so, the club made their statement on their website saying he could leave the club for free before the end of his contract. On Sunday, Barton tweeted that there was unrest behind-the-scenes at Gallowgate after the club fined full-back Jose Enrique for accusing the club of 'lacking ambition' also on Twitter. It's worth noting, at this point, and without going into any of the rights and wrongs of all this malarkey that this is one of the main reasons why yer actual Keith Telly Topping dislikes Twitter so much. Because it's almost designed to stir up trouble where keeping ones trap shut in public might, just, not stir up trouble. How many people now - in a variety of different fields - have found themselves sacked, fined, suspended or the subject of tabloid interest - because they've made their mouths go on Twitter? You'd think one or two of them might have learned something by now. 'If only we as players could tell the fans exactly how it is, without them above fining us lots of money. There will be a time and a place,' tweeted Barton. 'If it wouldn't effect [sic] team morale and cause unrest within the dressing room. Am certain Jose's comments would be the tip of the iceberg. And, again, it would be left to those magnificent fans to pick up the remnants of their once great football club. If I wanted to leave, I'd just come out and say "I want to leave." Things need addressing as am not prepared to go through a relegation again. If I didn't care, I'd say fuck all and pick my money up.' Barton has been furiously tweeting on a variety of topics in recent days ranging from criticism of US/UK foreign policy, his impending fatherhood and the sanity of Manchester City's Mario Balotelli. In response to the club's announcement, Barton said: 'Somewhere in those high echelons of NUFC, they have decided I am persona non grata.' Blimey. Joey Barton just used Latin. And correctly, as well. See, he's not just a gormless thug with anger issues. Barton later added: 'I am on a free but the honour of wearing those B+W stripes, surpasses that. One day the board might realise, what the shirt signifies. HONOUR and PRIDE. Thanks for your continued support. Toon Army.' In his final tweet on the subject, Barton also quoted from The Smiths' 'That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore' ('I've seen this happen in other people's lives now it's happening in mine'). And, he's not wrong, you know. It is too close to home and it is too near the bone. Newcastle's owner, the vile and odious Ashley, had hoped to sell the twenty eight-year-old, who joined the Magpies from Manchester City for £5.8m in 2007, this summer but a deal has not materialised. This has also, for the second time in six months, rather spectacularly undermined the latest occupant of the vile and odious Ashley's manager's office, Alan Pardew, who has been making nosies all summer about wanted Barton as part of his side - to the point of making him club captain. Dear blog readers may remember in January Pardew making numerous statements that Andy Carroll would not be sold. Just before Carroll was sold, to Liverpool. Bet you're really regretting taking on this particular poisoned chalice now, Alan. Although, I'm sure the pay's good. After serving a six-month ban from football and a seventy seven-day prison sentence for common assault, Barton has rebuilt his career at St James' Park. Though he clashed with then manager Alan Shearer and was suspended in 2009, he resolved his differences with the club and played a key role in helping the Magpies gain promotion to the Premier League under Chris Hughton in 2010 winning over many supporters who had previously been openly hostile towards his continued presence in the club. Including, it should be noted, yer actual Keith Telly Topping who always admired Barton's ability but considered him at times a liability. For the most part, those rash and violent tendencies were curbed by Barton who seemed to be maturing, rather unexpectedly, into a reasonably decent human being. Last season, he scored four goals and set up nine more as Newcastle ensured their top flight survival by finishing twelfth. For many supporters he was a leading contender for player of the season. Talks on the subject of a new contract were put on hold when Andy Carroll left for Liverpool in January and stalled once more when his good friend and captain Kevin Nolan signed for West Ham, despite Barton saying that he wanted to stay with club. As the club's unofficial fansite nufc.com sensibly notes: 'So, a situation that has festered for over two months comes to a head less than a fortnight before we open up our league season. Good old Newcastle United. That our first game sees us meet Arsenal at SJP is grimly ironic, given that last season's 4-4 draw on Tyneside was a prime example of Joey Barton's positive effectiveness: controlled aggression, coolness from the penalty spot, a refusal to give up the fight and inspiration to galvanise those around him on the field and in the stands. In a word, spirit - the very thing that many fans were relying on Barton to provide this season following the departure of Kevin Nolan. His departure makes us look less United, less threatening and less competitive - in isolation cause for concern but as a whole, a massive worry.' That's what you get for supporting Newcastle, dear blog reader. A club that never has a drama where a crisis won't do in its place.

It's That Time Again

England will face Montenegro, Ukraine, Poland, Moldova and San Marino in Group H when they bid to qualify for the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil. Scotland and Wales were drawn together in Group A, and will play Croatia, Serbia, Belgium, and the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. Northern Ireland are up against Portugal, Russia, Israel, Azerbaijan and Luxembourg in a tough-looking Group F. Only the nine group winners are guaranteed a place at the tournament. With thirteen places available in Brazil for European teams, the eight-best second-placed teams will play-off against each other to go through. The Republic of Ireland were drawn against Germany, Sweden, Austria, Faroe Islands and Kazakhstan in Group C, while France and world champions Spain are in a Group I - the only European group without six teams - along with Belarus, Georgia and Finland. 'Three years is a long time and 2014 isn't now,' said France coach Laurent Blanc. 'Spain are currently the best team there is but we don't know if that will be the case in two or three years' time. You have to go up against the best if you want to achieve something at a World Cup.' In the qualifying process for the 2014 World Cup, two hundred and three teams will play an eventual eight hundred and twenty four matches across the globe. The draws for the Africa, Asia, Oceania and the North, Central America and Caribbean regions also took place in Rio de Janeiro on Saturday, although no draw was made for South America as its nine teams qualify through a one-group championship. The finals will take place between 12 June and 13 July 2014, and a decision on whether to introduce goal-line technology will be taken at next March's meeting of the International FA Board, the game's lawmakers. England manager Fabio Capello was present at the draw, although he is set to move on next summer after the conclusion of the European Championships. Montenegro drew 0-0 with England at Wembley in October in their qualifier for Euro 2012 in Poland and Ukraine. 'It is not an easy draw,' said Capello. 'You have to be really, really focused and play every game like a final - but that will be another manager's job. We know Montenegro very well and we have to play against them again. Poland are improving and will be really focused and will be tough opponents. With Ukraine I remember the game we lost against them in the last match during the qualification for South Africa. Moldova are not so strong, and San Marino the same.' Wales manager Gary Speed said: 'It's obviously a tough draw. It's a really tough group, but it could have been worse. There are no weak teams in the group. It's one of those groups where everyone can beat anyone.' Scotland boss Craig Levein admitted he had hoped to miss Speed's side in the draw, saying: 'I would have rather avoided Wales because obviously it brings in that home international rivalry, which we probably could have done without. We have recent good experience of playing Wales, when we won against them over in Dublin recently, but also not so long ago we lost 3-0 to Wales, so it's a bit of a mixed bag.' Northern Ireland manager Nigel Worthington said of Group F: 'It looks a reasonably tough group, but it could have been worse. There is a fair bit of travelling but you have to deal with that.' The total of two hundred and three teams vying for one of thirty one World Cup spots in Brazil surpasses the two hundred who participated four years ago. The only associations not to have signed up to compete for 2014 qualification are Bhutan, Brunei Darussalam, Guam and Mauritania. FIFA would not draw Azerbaijan and Armenia together, nor Russia and Georgia, because of political conflicts which they said could lead to fan violence during matches.

Rio Ferdinand reportedly sparked a White House security alert after a series of posts on Twitter. The plank! The Manchester United footballer was at the White House with his teammates as part of their pre-season US tour. Ferdinand posted pictures of the president's security guards and the state dining room. He tweeted: 'The security needs beefing up here at the White House!' before secret service agents removed the pictures from his phone and Twitter account. 'Whoa, someone has got into my phone and taken down my pics off Twitter. This is deep,' wrote the inarticulate glake. Only, his spelling was worse. 'Is Jack Bauer in Washington? [sic],' he concluded. 'What an experience having the opportunity to go into the White House, thank you. Now where are my pics? My pic of the security was removed quick, rapido, sharpish, fast. They don't play here in DC. I feel like I'm on 24 right now.' Yeah. It's called 'national security' you daft pillock, they do not let any old Tom, Dick or Rio waltz around the White House taking photos that terrorists could use to case the joint. Haven't you ever watched The West Wing? No, stupid question, it hasn't got Cheryl Cole or a voting element in it so you wouldn't understand it. Also, they use words of more than one syllable. Man United, eh? Think they bloody own the gaff. A team meeting with Barack Obama was apparently cancelled at the last minute as he had to deal with the ongoing US debt crisis. At least, that was the 'official' reason given. Maybe, like all right thinking individuals, President Obama simply hates The Scum.

Crisis? What Crisis?

FIFA has provisionally suspended executive committee members Mohamed Bin Hammam and the odious Jack Warner after a meeting of its ethics committee on Sunday. Football's governing body will now open a full investigation into allegations that financial incentives were offered to members of the Caribbean Football Union. CFU officials Debbie Minguell and Jason Sylvester have also been suspended. But FIFA president and slimy turd Sepp Blatter was found to have no case to answer. Which is, of course, a surprise because one would have thought he'd at least have the case of being a slimy turd to answer. Petrus Damaseb, deputy chairman of the ethics committee, said of Bin Hammam and Warner: 'We are satisfied that there is a case to be answered.' However, FIFA insists that they are both innocent until proven guilty. If found guilty, they could be expelled from the organisation and banned from all football activity. Bin Hammam was the only candidate due to oppose Blatter in the forthcoming election for the FIFA presidency - which will go ahead as planned on Wednesday - but he withdrew in the early hours of Sunday morning. The Qatari and his colleague, vice-president Warner, were forced to answer charges of bribery over allegations from executive committee member Chuck Blazer in Zurich on Sunday. It was alleged that they offered bribes at a meeting of the CFU on 10 and 11 May. A file of evidence claimed bundles of cash of up to forty thousand dollars were handed over to members of the CFU at the meeting in Trinidad. The payments were allegedly made to secure votes for Bin Hammam in his campaign to challenge Blatter for the presidency. In turn, Bin Hammam effectively claimed that Blatter was aware of some wrongdoing but did not report it, in itself a breach of FIFA's ethics code. Meanwhile, executive committee members Ricardo Teixeira and Worawi Makudi have been formally cleared by the Football Association of any wrongdoing following allegations of bribery made by former FA chairman Lord Triesman in relation to England's failed 2018 World Cup bid. Warner has made public an e-mail which claims that Mohamed Bin Hammam 'bought' the 2022 World Cup finals for Qatar. FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke admitted he sent the e-mail, which also questioned why Asian football boss Bin Hammam was running for FIFA president. Valcke wrote: '[Hammam] thought you can buy FIFA as they bought the World Cup.' However, Bin Hammam responded by telling BBC Sport on Monday: 'I don't know why he [Valcke] has said that.' Possibly because he believed it to be true? Just, you know, a wild stab in the dark there. The Qatari added: 'If I was paying money for Qatar you also have to ask the thirteen people who voted for Qatar.' To which the obvious reply is 'oh, I'm sure they will now.' Asked whether Valcke's allegation was true he said: 'What do you think?' Valcke stressed that his e-mail to Warner was intended to remain 'private' and pointed out that Warner had only published selected parts of it. 'He [Warner] sent me an e-mail asking if I want that [Bin Hammam to run for FIFA president], he said that I should ask Bin Hammam to pull out,' Valcke added. Valcke also denied that he had influenced FIFA's ethics committee, which suspended Warner and Bin Hammam on Sunday over separate allegations of bribery, pending further investigation. He stated: 'The first time I met the chairman of the ethics committee was yesterday at 1700 before we went to the press conference. I had no contact at all with anyone.' Bin Hammam was suspended a matter of hours after withdrawing from the FIFA presidential race on Sunday morning. His decision leaves seventy five-year-old incumbent Blatter, who is seeking a fourth term in charge of the organisation he has run unopposed since 1998, as the only man running for the office. FIFA has said its election will go ahead, as scheduled, on Wednesday. The thoroughly odious Warner, who is president of the North, Central American and Caribbean confederation, has reacted angrily to the allegations of bribery and the FIFA ethics committee's decision to suspend him. The Trinidad and Tobago government minister raged: 'I look on the suspension as the worst form of justice by any sporting organisation. They came premeditated, they weren't prepared to listen, they were hand-picked to do a task and they did just that. The guys were hand-picked by Blatter. A kangaroo court would be a decent thing to say.' Warner, who also turned on Valcke, stated: 'I wrote to Valcke telling him, among other things, that the outcome of the elections may cause some fracture in the Arab world which we can ill afford now and that I will like to ask Bin Hammam to withdraw from the race. To which Jerome replied to me and I quote: "For [Bin Hammam] I never understood why he was running. If really he thought he had a chance or just being an extreme way to express how much he does not like anymore [Blatter]. Or he thought you can buy FIFA as they [Qatar] bought the [World Cup]."' Warner showed the e-mail to television crews and added: 'You don't have to believe me, you don't have to like me, nobody has to eat with me, drink with me or sleep with me but Jesus Christ, take the truth when you see it.' Warner has also accused Blatter of making a gift of computers and an unauthorised one million dollars to Concacaf officials. 'I indicated that at the Miami Concacaf Congress on 3 May Mr Blatter made a gift of one million dollars to Concacaf to spend as it deems fit,' Warner said in a statement. 'This annoyed [UEFA] president Michel Platini who was present and he approached secretary general Jerome Valcke complaining that Mr Blatter had no permission from the finance committee to make this gift to which Jerome replied that he will find the money for Mr Blatter. I also indicated FIFA, through Mr Blatter, organised gifts of laptops and projectors to all members of the Caribbean and no objections have been made today of this to date.' However, Platini said on Monday that he was 'having a joke' with Swiss Blatter. The Frenchman said: '[Blatter] can give [to] the projects that he wants to give. I joke, I said "but Sepp, this was not accepted by the committee" - but he can give many projects to many national associations and we will confirm in the GOAL project after. In many Congresses for many, many years the president can give one or two projects to national associations - he has his own budget and he can give to one confederation and then it has to be approved of course by the executive committee next time.' Blatter has denied any wrong-doing as have Warner and Hammam, who are accused of offering financial incentives to members of the Caribbean Football Union. In a file of evidence it was claimed bundles of cash were handed over to members of the CFU. The payments were allegedly made to secure votes for Bin Hammam in his campaign to challenge Blatter for the presidency. Last week, Qatar 2022 World Cup officials denied allegations, published in the Sunday Times, that they paid bribes in return for votes. Meanwhile, independent Australian senator Nick Xenophon has demanded that FIFA refunds the Aus$45.6m they spent on their unsuccessful bid to host the 2022 World Cup. Xenophon said: 'It appears corrupt and highly questionable behaviour goes to the core of FIFA. Australia spent almost forty six million dollars on a bid we were never in the running for. Now we hear that bribes may have been made to fix the result for who will head up FIFA.' According to Reuters, China's Zhang Jilong will take charge of the Asian Football Confederation in the absence of Hammam. In a press conference on Monday, Blatter said that the organisation is 'not in crisis,' merely 'in some difficulties.' Which is a bit like says Barcelona are merely a decent footballing side.

Offside?

FIFA has long sullied its reputation, with one corruption charge after the other against its top executives. The recent cash for vote scandal is not the first one to hit the organisation and nor will it be the last, at least according to football journalist Brian Glanville in a devastating attack on FIFA at the Sportstar website. 'The lunatics, you might say, are taking over the asylum. Or purporting to,' Glanville begins. 'FIFA President Sepp Blatter, seemingly desperate to be imminently re-elected for a fourth term, has suddenly insisted on a three-week investigation by his flaccid so-called ethics committee into the dirty work at the World Cup crossroads. This hot-on-the-heels of the revelations made by the former main-man at the Football Association, Lord Triesman. Who had nothing to say on the scandalous subject while being unimpressively in charge; save telling his young lady friend an unconvincing tale about Spain and Russia getting together to bribe referees, which she promptly and treacherously made public. Goodness knows that after that undercover investigation by the Sunday Times, we already knew far too well that several members of the World Cup selection committee had elicited huge bribes. To which the ineffably feeble and evasive response of the FA's World Cup bid committee was to impugne the BBC Panorama television programme for having made further alarming revelations on the chicanery that was going on. Killing the messenger, indeed. It soon transpired that the nineteen million pounds allegedly spent by the English World Cup bidding committee was money down a drain which would have been usefully  - if deceitfully - deployed only by making bribery approaches to those biddable World Cup representatives. Russia and Qatar, the ultimate sheer parody of a host country decision, had long since bought and paid for. There was, in fact, a beautiful recent irony when Mike Lee, the Englishman advising Qatar on what seemed a wholly incongruous bid, criticised the Football Association for running an inadequate campaign. Just a day or so before it was revealed that Qatar had paid millions in bribes to two members of the World Cup selection committee. For all you know, Mr Lee might well have been as white as snow. He was even in England's bid for the 2012 Olympics, but it is surely legitimate to suggest that in the Qatar affair - a tiny country with no football legion and a roasting hot summer climate - he was either very naïve or very cynical. Especially ludicrous was the typically flagrant response of the outrageous Jack Warner of Trinidad who, having promised England his vote and, most humiliatingly, been invited into the 10, Downing Street residence of Prime Minister David Cameron and in the Zurich preamble, being courted not only by Cameron but by Prince William, the heir to the throne, duly voted elsewhere. But the shameless Warner has a long record, chronicled in detail in Andrew Jennings' devastating book, Foul! Time and again Warner, in his role as President of CONCACAF, whose votes had been vital to Blatter, and head of the Trinidad Federation, has grabbed huge sums of money out of FIFA, by no means always repaid, while for years on end he failed to pay the members of the gallant Trinidad team which surpassed itself in the 2006 World Cup, the money they were due. That Triesman and company should have initially courted this shameless man was horrible to see. In this regard Triesman revealed that Warner had demanded for his vote two and a half million pounds to build a so-called education centre in Trinidad. Predictably and vociferously, Warner denied this only for Dave Richards, the head of the FA Premier League, to confirm the story. Round up the usual suspects, you might say. Not least the former son-in-law of Joao Havelange, with whose FIFA presidency the rot set in, Ricardo Teixeira, an old foe of Pele. He asked Triesman, in Qatar, "Tell me what you've got for me?" To put it politely, Teixeira is no stranger to controversy in his own country; yet he survives.' All of this comes on the day that FIFA presidential candidate Mohamed bin Hammam has denied bribery allegations made against him by FIFA executive committee member Chuck Blazer. The American claims that FIFA's ethics code was violated at a meeting 'organised' by Bin Hammam and Jack Warner. Four officials, including Bin Hammam and Warner, will face a FIFA ethics hearing on 29 May, ahead of the presidential vote. Bin Hammam said that he is 'confident that there is no charge to answer.' The Press Association says that a file has been sent to FIFA which includes sworn affidavits by several Caribbean Football Union members, who claim they were offered thousands of dollars in cash for 'development projects' at the meeting earlier this month. The file, which includes photographs, says some of the cash was accepted, but some of those who refused to take any money approached Blazer. The Caribbean meeting, on 10 and 11 May, was in relation to the FIFA presidential election which takes place on 1 June. The other two officials to face the hearing are Debbie Minguell and Jason Sylvester from the CFU, which represents twenty five FIFA member nations as well as five territories not affiliated to FIFA. Bin Hammam - the sixty two-year-old president of the Asian Football Confederation - is running against current FIFA president Sepp Blatter to be the new head of football's world governing body. Bin Hammam released a statement on his website, which continued: 'This has been a difficult and painful day for me today. But, if there is even the slightest justice in the world, these allegations will vanish in the wind. This move is little more than a tactic being used by those who have no confidence in their own ability to emerge successfully from the FIFA presidential election. I remain deeply indebted to Mr Warner for his sense of fair play because without his support and understanding I would not have been able to meet with several important member associations of FIFA to discuss my election manifesto. Here I completely deny any allegations of wrongdoing either intentionally or unknowingly while I was in the Caribbean. I will offer Mr Warner my full support in ensuring we are discharged honourably by the FIFA ethics committee, a body which I hold in the highest esteem. I am confident that there is no charge to answer and that I will be free to stand in the FIFA presidential election on 1 June as originally planned.' FIFA has announced that Claudio Sulser, the head of the ethics committee, will not take charge of the hearing as he shares Swiss nationality with Bin Hammam's presidential rival Blatter. The committee's deputy chairman Petrus Damaseb of Namibia will instead chair proceedings. The FIFA statement read: 'On 24 May 2011, FIFA executive committee member and Concacaf general secretary Chuck Blazer reported to FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke possible violations of the FIFA code of ethics allegedly committed by officials. In particular, the report referred to a special meeting of the Caribbean Football Union, apparently organised jointly by FIFA vice-president Jack A Warner and FIFA executive committee member Mohamed Bin Hammam, which took place on 10 and 11 May 2011. This meeting was linked to the upcoming FIFA presidential election. In view of the facts alleged in this report, which include bribery allegations, FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke, in compliance with art. Sixteen of the FIFA code of ethics, yesterday requested the FIFA ethics committee to open ethics proceedings.' The allegations - levelled by Warner's longtime Concacaf ally Blazer - are likely to wreck Bin Hammam's already fading hopes of defeating Blatter in the vote by FIFA's 208 national members. 'The intriguing part of this is the person who has brought the complaints, Chuck Blazer,' former Sports Minister Richard Caborn told the BBC. 'He obviously has been on the inside track in FIFA for many, many years. He's very close to Jack Warner. What his motives are, we will have to wait and see. It could well be the start of a total look at how FIFA is run in the future. Whether the pressure is now telling and that people are saying: "We have now got to make this organisation fit for purpose."' MP Damian Collins, who named Confederation of African Football president Issa Hayatou and executive committee member Jacques Anouma in Parliament as allegedly receiving bribes from Qatar 2022, called on FIFA to abandon next week's presidential election. 'FIFA needs to have a proper independent investigation and the timetable does not allow this to happen before next week,' said Collins. 'If Bin Hammam is suspended it would be unacceptable for the election to simply become a shoe-in for Sepp Blatter. There must be a new election with new candidates allowed to come forward.' Both Hayatou and Anouma have denied the claims while Qatar 2022 World Cup officials described allegations they paid bribes in return for votes as 'distressing, insulting and incomprehensible.' News of the FIFA inquiry comes soon after FIFA launched a separate investigation into claims made by former Football Association and England 2018 World Cup bid chairman Lord Triesman. Triesman alleged that four FIFA members - the odious Warner, Nicolas Leoz, Ricardo Teixeira and Worawi Makudi - sought 'bribes' in return for backing England's failed 2018 World Cup bid. Warner said the allegations made against him by Triesman were 'a piece of nonsense.' On Sunday, Blatter angrily denied that FIFA is totally corrupt and added there is no evidence to support recent accusations of wrongdoing. Blatter's campaign adviser Brian Alexander said the FIFA president would not comment on the case. Of course, it's worth pointing out that the FA's recent decision to abstain from voting in the upcoming FIFA presidential election may seem like a principled stance, but in reality it is a step away from one of the biggest issues ever to face football at just the moment a breakthrough seemed to be on the horizon. After the Panorama and Sunday Times investigations, after Lord Triesman making allegations in front of a Parliamentary commission and after the widespread condemnation at awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, it felt as though a tipping point was approaching. A perfect storm was brewing, with conditions in place which could have seen a new president with an open agenda for reforming the game's governing body. The net seems to be closing on the Executive Committee members who allegedly sold, or at least tried to sell, their votes on who should host the World Cup for money or honours. Removing one vote from the process still leaves two hundred and seven in it. Nominating and actively supporting a third candidate would have at least given the dissenting voices a platform within FIFA's cavernous headquarters, bringing those accused to task in their own back yard.

Anyone Know If There's A Frivolous Fraud Office?

The Serious Fraud Office is examining a con that allegedly took in Sven-Göran Eriksson and the North Korean government, the BBC's Panorama has claimed. Investigators are also looking at how the same conman 'stole a football club' and broke a bank. Convicted fraudster Russell King persuaded the former England manager to join Notts County FC as director of football and to visit North Korea. King denies any fraud and said he was just a consultant on the deals. Eriksson was appointed at Notts County in July 2009 following a takeover of the League Two club that promised to bring millions of pounds of Middle Eastern investment. 'For me as a football man it was fantastic, building a club from the bottom of League Two and having the funding to do it, to be a Premier League club. It's like a dream, so I signed. Big mistake,' Sven said of the deal. The promised money never arrived and the club was left seven million smackers in debt. Eriksson says there were early signs that all was not as it seemed. 'I started to have doubts when they came and told me the milk bill has not been paid,' he said. King claimed that his Swiss-based mining company had assets worth almost two trillion dollars because it had the rights to North Korea's gold, coal and iron ore. He told Eriksson the Notts County's promised cash would come from that mining deal. He then persuaded Sven to join a delegation visiting Pyongyang in October 2009. 'I was in the palace and they were handing over to the North Korean government so-called shares,' Eriksson told Panorama. 'I asked them how much that was and what they told me was not millions, it was billions of dollars. They used my name. Of course they did. At the end it became a big, big mistake.' Russell King's business deals had credibility, the programme alleges, because they appeared to have the backing of First London plc, an investment bank with advisers including Conservative MP Tim Yeo and Air Marshal Sir John Walker, a former British spymaster. The bank sent Sir John, a former head of defence intelligence, to check out King and the Korean deal, but he was also, apparently, taken in. Walker said of the deal: 'What do I think of Russell King? Not a lot. He was good at chat, but that was his business. He was a con man. I was taken the same way Sven was taken. They just wanted names.' King also managed to get control of almost half of First London plc without paying a penny for the shares, after he convinced its bankers he was managing billions of dollars for the Bahraini royal family. But Fawaz Al Khalifa, President of the Bahraini Information Affairs Authority, says that King was lying about his royal connections: 'He might have met members of the family here or there, but we have no financial connection to him or his company.' First London PLC went into administration last year with debts of almost nine million pounds and the Financial Services Authority has been examining the deal that gave King control of forty nine per cent of its shares. The FSA has now passed its finding to the Serious Fraud Office. 'In this case the acquisition of control occurred without the FSA having been given the prior notice which the law requires it to be given,' said an FSA spokesman. First London plc's parent company, First London Group plc, is still in business. In a statement, its lawyers said that the failure to notify the FSA about the change in ownership was a mistake that had been rectified: 'This was simply an error and not done for any ulterior or questionable motive. As far as our client is aware the FSA were satisfied that the information provided was in compliance with all legal and regulatory requirements. Our client is unaware of any investigation by the FSA or SFO.' King, who was jailed for insurance fraud in 1991, denies any involvement in the running of Notts County or First London plc. But Panorama has obtained dozens of e-mails and numerous testimonies which seem to show that he was secretly pulling the strings at Notts County. King even referred to himself as Lord Voldemort, the character from the Harry Potter novels who 'can never be named.' The club had been owned by a supporters' trust, but King persuaded the fans to sell it for just one pound after they met one of his supposedly wealthy benefactors in Bahrain. Abid Hyat Khan was introduced as a Middle Eastern prince, but Panorama has discovered he is actually on the run from British police. He absconded from the UK in 2008, when he was due to stand trial for allegedly stealing almost one million pounds. Khan denies posing as a prince. Peter Trembling who was appointed as Executive Chairman at Notts County told the Nottingham Post how he became involved with King. He said that he was introduced to King, who was then based in Jersey, by his friend Nathan Willett in 2005. Trembling said he had become close friends with Willett after meeting him through work in Dubai in 2000. He said: 'Russell King wanted to get involved in my business at the time, Affinity Partnerships, which worked with lots of banks as a credit card consultant. He said he had contacts all over the world and I'd make a lot of money.' Trembling added that, in the following year, King and Willett left Jersey for Bahrain. He said that he stayed in touch with them and, in early 2009, they contacted him asking his advice about investing in an English football club. 'They had tried to buy Newcastle United,' he said. 'I told them they were better off going for a smaller club and building it up. At one stage, they were looking at all sorts of clubs. Liverpool was on the radar. Then they said they had the money to buy Notts County.'

Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder David Beckham has reportedly been given special permission to fly to London for the royal wedding on Friday 29 April before returning to the United States a day later in time for his side's Major League match at FC Dallas. Of course, what would be really hilarious is if Becks gets to the Abbey and finds out that his invite had all been a big mistake.

There's Only One Greedy Bastard

A somewhat off-colour Scumchester United missed the chance to open up a nine-point gap at the top of the Premier League as they were held to a draw by yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still seemingly unsellable) Newcastle United. The visitors were guilty of poor passing throughout, though Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs both missed good chances. And striker Javier Hernandez felt he was fouled in the box by Danny Simpson late on, only to be booked for a dive. The Magpies thoroughly deserved a point, though, and might have had a penalty of their own when Anderson appeared to fell Peter Lovenkrands. Both decisions could have gone either way, with contact seeming to be made on each occasion, but the referee Lee Probert - who otherwise had a very good game - waved the appeals away to ensure an absorbing clash ended goalless at St James' Park. It is a result which could prove valuable for Newcastle, taking them as it does to the forty-point mark teams often cite as necessary to guarantee safety from relegation. While much of the media may put the result down to the leaders suffering an off night, that fails to reflect the effort and application that Alan Pardew's side demonstrated. Once again the Magpies star man was Cheik Tioté the Ivorian central midfielder whose three million pound transfer from FC Twente is starting to look like the bargain of the season. And, how nice it was to hear the home fans showing their genuine appreciation of the four years of constant shirking and malingering that their club received from Michael Owen when he came on as substitute for The Scum to several rousing choruses of 'There's Only One Greedy Bastard'!

The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend?

Sepp Blatter will this week meet the new Football Association chairman, David Bernstein, to try and secure England's vote for the FIFA presidency. Ironic, you may think, considering how reluctant he was to give England anything the last time FIFA were voting on something. Which, as it happens, is interesting. Because, his visit has come at the worst time in terms of his allegedly efforts to clean up the game. This weekend, fresh claims emerged over the controversial FIFA vice-president the vile and odious Warner's alleged involvement in a World Cup ticket scandal. You may remember that just before the World Cup bid for 2018 took place, in December, the BBC's Panorama programme in an episode about various alleged dodgy dealings within FIFA had claim that the vile and odious Warner was involved in the resale of World Cup tickets to touts as recently as the summer of 2010. The programme brought howls on indignation from England 2018 bid team and from the prime minister who would subsequently attempt to blame the failure of the bid on the programme. And, after the vote, in which Russia was awarded the hosting rights to the tournament, the vile and odious Warner took apparent pleasure in stating that the British media's less than servile and fawning attitude to FIFA was why the rest of the world would never vote for and England-hosted tournament. Well, perhaps now Panorama and the Sunday Times and all of the other parts of the British media which claimed the FIFA was a bent as a David Beckham free-kick might be vindicated. The Norwegian newspaper Dagbladet says it has proof that Warner, whose support is key to Blatter's hopes of re-election, attempted to sell tickets on the black market, in direct contravention of FIFA rules. The paper, which has long been investigating Warner's activities, quoted a black-market ticket dealer as saying a deal was set up with Warner to provide tickets for South Africa. According to the paper, the Caribbean Football Union ordered tickets for several matches including the final. Dagbladet said it was in possession of the receipt for that order and claimed Warner's cut was sixty per cent, even though the deal eventually broke down. Essentially exactly the same claims which were made by Andrew Jennings in the Panorama programmes but, with additional, alleged, documentary evidence. The revelations will heap pressure on Blatter as he bids for a fourth term of office. Warner was publicly reprimanded by FIFA over a 2006 World Cup ticketing scandal involving his family but nevertheless kept his place on the FIFA executive committee. These claims will renew calls for action against the controversial Trinidadian who is one of the most powerful men in the world game - and one of the least liked in many quarters, particularly Britian. (The Daily Scum Mail's Martin Samuels memorably described Warner as 'the duplicitous, odious FIFA vice-president who has been allowed to rule the world from Trinidad and Tobago.') Blatter, who is taking on Asia's Mohamed bin Hammam in a fight for world football's top job on 1 June, will discuss his manifesto with Bernstein in a lunchtime meeting at Wembley. Bernstein has made it an aim of his chairmanship to rebuild bridges with FIFA and distanced himself from reports that the FA are keen to back any Blatter opponent in one of those 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' type of alliances that always produce good results. As the Western world's support of and arming of Sadam Hussain during the Iran-Iraq war, of course, proves. A number of influential figures in the English game favour Bin Hammam, who must convince FIFA's two hundred and eight nations that it is time to unseat Blatter after thirteen years in charge, and to elect a ninth FFIFA president. Warner was recently returned for a sixth time as head of Concacaf and he will determine where the thirty seven votes of the region will go. The support of Warner and of UEFA dead that oily little twat Michel Platini is seen as vital to both presidential candidates. Both have spoken recently of the need to rid the game's governing body of corruption.

Showing all of the tact and diplomacy for which he is, rightly, famous Fulham chairman Mohammed Al Fayed has told fans that they can 'go to hell' if they do not appreciate a new Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage stadium. Al Fayed unveiled the statue on Sunday prior to the west London Premier League team's match against Blackpool which the Cottagers won 3-0. The statue was commissioned following Jackson's death in June 2009 and was due to be erected at Harrods before Al Fayed sold the Knightsbridge store. 'Why is it bizarre? Football fans love it,' he said after the unveiling having, presumably, taken a poll on the subject. Outside the stadium, Fulham fan Michael Tune said: 'We're a laughing stock. It has nothing to do with football.' Another Fulham fan, who wanted to remain anonymous (presumably because he's a Fulham fan), said: 'It makes the club look silly. I thought it was an April Fools joke.' But Al Fayed said: 'If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift they can go to hell. I don't want them to be fans.' That's a really good idea, mate, piss off your own supporters. That always works when a Chairman tries it. Doesn't it Mr Ashley? 'If they don't understand and don't believe in things I believe in they can go to Chelsea, they can go to anywhere else,' he added. Al Fayed's decision to relocate the statue of Jackson to Fulham's stadium is likely to divide opinion. The singer was a friend of Al Fayed's but his only known link to the football club is that he attended one game as a guest of the chairman, against Wigan Athletic in 1999. Where he gave a stunning rendition of 'come and have a go if you think you're hard enough' at half time. But Al Fayed said: 'People will queue to come and visit it from all over the UK and it is something that I and everybody else should be proud of.' What, and stick around to watch a game afterwards? I very much doubt it, pal. Kit Symons, who played in the match Jackson attended in 1999 and is now under-eighteens manager at the Cottagers said: 'It is great. The big thing is it is obviously something that the chairman feels very, very passionately about and he has decided to erect this statue and fair dos to him.' Reflecting on the time of Jackson's visit, he added: 'It was just happy times. The chairman obviously used to bring high profile people down the games. Tony Curtis was here a few weeks after and it was just fantastic times.' Central defender Brede Hangeland said the decision to erect the statue was backed by the club's players. He said: 'Some of our players are Michael Jackson fans, some aren't, and that's the same in the general population. His music has been on in the dressing room a couple of times. I'm sure we won when his music was played! We have the deepest respect for everything about the chairman. If he wants to do this then it is all good.' Perhaps inspired by the statue, Fulham beat Blackpool 3-0 in the match which followed the unveiling. It was a thriller.