Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, still unsellable) Newcastle United continued their charge towards Champions League qualification with a convincing Premier League victory over a woefully poor Stoke City side. Yohan Cabaye nodded The Magpies ahead from close range before Papiss Demba Cissé slid in the Frenchman's exquisite pass. Cabaye sealed victory with a glorious curling twenty-yard strike as The Black and Whites climbed into the top four at the expense of Happy Harry's Hapless Stottingtot Hotshots, who lost 1-0 at QPR. Newcastle were eleven points adrift of yer actual Spurs following their 5-0 mauling at the hands of the North London club in early February. But a sixth successive Premier League win (combined with a run of just one win in ten for Tottenham, and 'England's next manager', remember) has put them on the cusp of European football next season. They have surged fifteen points clear of seventh-placed Everton, who have five games left to play. If Everton don't win at The Scum on Sunday afternoon, United's return to European competition for the first time since 2007 will be confirmed. The top six are assured of continental competition and after making a statement of intent against Stoke, it would take a dramatic collapse for Newcastle to surrender their place. Two of their final four games include a trip to Moscow Chelski FC, one of their rivals for a top-four finish, and a home match against title-chasing Sheikh Yer Man City as they aim to clinch Champions League qualification for the first time since 2003. Newcastle have put themselves within touching distance after a fantastic run which has been spearheaded by the goals of Senegal striker Cissé. The twenty six-year-old has proved a revelation since his ten million notes move from Freiburg, with eleven goals in ten matches hauling Newcastle above Spurs, who went down to Adel Taarabt's goal in Saturday's late kick-off at Loftus Road. 
Maverick French winger Hatem Ben Arfa has also taken plenty of plaudits recently and he was the architect of the opening goal with some superb trickery on the left touchline. He skipped past Marc Wilson before clipping a delicious cross into the Stoke danger zone, where Cissé's sharp movement allowed him to escape his marker, lumbering oaf Robert Huth, and send a far-post header crashing against the crossbar. And Cabaye was waiting to pounce on the rebound with a close range header. The midfielder turned provider moments later, his quite exquisite reverse pass perfectly weighted into the path of Cissé who raced on to and slide the ball past Stoke keeper Asmir Begovic. Cabaye pulled all the strings in a dominant performance and capped a majestic individual display with a sumptuous first-time finish into the far corner for his second goal of the afternoon and fifth of the season. Newcastle had failed to penetrate a typically organised Stoke backline in the opening stages but, once Cabaye and then Cissé breached their defence, Newcastle oozed confidence and controlled the game with a swagger expected of a top-four team. In the end, they won at a canter and could have had more goals with Demba Ba and Fabricio Coloccini missing decent chances and Cissé having another goal chalked out for a marginal (but correct) offside flag. It could have been very different had Stoke striker Jonathan Walters not spooned Peter Crouch's knockdown high over the bar when well positioned in the game's first opportunity. But chances were rare for the lowest scorers in the Premier League against a mean Newcastle defence which claimed a fourth straight clean sheet and has conceded just one goal in their six game winning run. Former United icon Alan Shearer said: 'Tremendous credit to Alan Pardew. It's not as if Newcastle have been digging results out -they're putting in very good performances. I wouldn't say Chelsea are gone in the Champions League race but you would have to say the form team are Newcastle.' Pardew himself said: 'The Champions League is really a possibility. We're not going to hide from that or make some stupid clichés [or, indeed, Cissé's] about we're not going to do it. We're right in there and we go to Wigan, that's going to be a tough game. We will see where we are then. I know a result like this today will pipe through to the Tottenham dressing room and put pressure on them. There's no pressure on us - we're just bobbling along. Our quality really shone through - some great goals and great interplay. There's a lot of confidence in the dressing room, we've got a really nice feeling in there and you can see that on the pitch.'
Meanwhile, an early front-runner for the comedy line of the week came from the thoroughly odious and full-of-his-own-importance tossface Brian Woolnaugh on Sky Sports's Soccer Supplement on Sunday morning. 'So, Newcastle are flying,' said the odious Daily Lies journalist (allegedly) after a curiously dismissive five minute assessment of the job Alan Pardew's done (but, not before he and his three journalist mates had spent twice as long talking about yer actual Sotttingtot Hotshots current woes). 'But, undoubtedly, the team of the week are Chelsea.' Well, yeah. Course. They might only be sixth in the league, but heaven help some Northern chancers blundering in and buggering up Woolnough's opportunity to give some London-based team's collective ringpiece a right good hard lick, you risible brown-tongued louse. What's happened to your love affair with Happy Harry, anyway? One win in ten games for 'England's next manager' and, suddenly, it's 'Oooo, Roberto, you eeees the one for me. "Blue is the colour, football is the game..."' Twat.
Maverick French winger Hatem Ben Arfa has also taken plenty of plaudits recently and he was the architect of the opening goal with some superb trickery on the left touchline. He skipped past Marc Wilson before clipping a delicious cross into the Stoke danger zone, where Cissé's sharp movement allowed him to escape his marker, lumbering oaf Robert Huth, and send a far-post header crashing against the crossbar. And Cabaye was waiting to pounce on the rebound with a close range header. The midfielder turned provider moments later, his quite exquisite reverse pass perfectly weighted into the path of Cissé who raced on to and slide the ball past Stoke keeper Asmir Begovic. Cabaye pulled all the strings in a dominant performance and capped a majestic individual display with a sumptuous first-time finish into the far corner for his second goal of the afternoon and fifth of the season. Newcastle had failed to penetrate a typically organised Stoke backline in the opening stages but, once Cabaye and then Cissé breached their defence, Newcastle oozed confidence and controlled the game with a swagger expected of a top-four team. In the end, they won at a canter and could have had more goals with Demba Ba and Fabricio Coloccini missing decent chances and Cissé having another goal chalked out for a marginal (but correct) offside flag. It could have been very different had Stoke striker Jonathan Walters not spooned Peter Crouch's knockdown high over the bar when well positioned in the game's first opportunity. But chances were rare for the lowest scorers in the Premier League against a mean Newcastle defence which claimed a fourth straight clean sheet and has conceded just one goal in their six game winning run. Former United icon Alan Shearer said: 'Tremendous credit to Alan Pardew. It's not as if Newcastle have been digging results out -they're putting in very good performances. I wouldn't say Chelsea are gone in the Champions League race but you would have to say the form team are Newcastle.' Pardew himself said: 'The Champions League is really a possibility. We're not going to hide from that or make some stupid clichés [or, indeed, Cissé's] about we're not going to do it. We're right in there and we go to Wigan, that's going to be a tough game. We will see where we are then. I know a result like this today will pipe through to the Tottenham dressing room and put pressure on them. There's no pressure on us - we're just bobbling along. Our quality really shone through - some great goals and great interplay. There's a lot of confidence in the dressing room, we've got a really nice feeling in there and you can see that on the pitch.'Meanwhile, an early front-runner for the comedy line of the week came from the thoroughly odious and full-of-his-own-importance tossface Brian Woolnaugh on Sky Sports's Soccer Supplement on Sunday morning. 'So, Newcastle are flying,' said the odious Daily Lies journalist (allegedly) after a curiously dismissive five minute assessment of the job Alan Pardew's done (but, not before he and his three journalist mates had spent twice as long talking about yer actual Sotttingtot Hotshots current woes). 'But, undoubtedly, the team of the week are Chelsea.' Well, yeah. Course. They might only be sixth in the league, but heaven help some Northern chancers blundering in and buggering up Woolnough's opportunity to give some London-based team's collective ringpiece a right good hard lick, you risible brown-tongued louse. What's happened to your love affair with Happy Harry, anyway? One win in ten games for 'England's next manager' and, suddenly, it's 'Oooo, Roberto, you eeees the one for me. "Blue is the colour, football is the game..."' Twat.
