Sheikh Yer Man City FC scored two dramatic injury-time goals to see-off ten-man Queen's Park Strangers and win the Premier League title on Sunday afternoon. Pablo Zabaleta had put City ahead before Herman Munster lookalike Joleon Lescott's calamitous mistake let Djibril Cisse (himself no oil painting) in to blast home an equaliser. Then, arch psycho nutter Joey Barton was sent-off for a clash with Carlos Tevez. Tevez had appeared to strike Barton first but Barton's reaction of elbowing the Argentine, hard, reet in the mush was spotted by the linesman. The referee, Mike Dean, produced a red card and chaos ensued as Barton went off-it. Before eventually leaving the field, he kicked Sergio Aguero up a-height and then aimed to try and stick-the-heed on City captain Vincent Kompany as Kompany attempted to intervene in the melee. City substitute Micah Richards raced onto the pitch to drag his old mate Barton off as Barton continued to engage in on-going rows with various City players and coaches, appearing to attempt to break free from Richards at one point and have a go at Mario Balotelli. Which, frankly, would've been a sight to see in and of itself had it happened. But it didn't. On Sky's Soccer Special Jeff Stelling suggested there seemed a genuine possibility that, if he hadn't been stopped, Barton might have attempted to take on the entire City team on his own. BBC pundit Garth Crooks noted: 'This will go beyond the summer. When the FA see this there will be reprisals. It's extraordinary. You can only describe it as an assault on Carlos Tevez. He should get a six-month ban, for that incident alone.' He stopped just short of 'oh, the humanity,' though. The Football Association will, no doubt, now analyse the incident and it is more than likely that Barton will face a lengthy suspension for his behaviour. 'I've not seen it,' Mark Hughes claimed, having seemingly developed a dose of Arsene Wenger's selective myopia. One wonders what Barton will have to say about that on Twitter. This, actually. 
Remarkably, soon afterwards Jamie Mackie put the Strangers in front with an excellent goal against the run of play. With The Scum's beating Blunderland 1-0 at The Stadium of Shite thanks to a Wayne Rooney goal, City looked set to miss out on the their first League Championship title since they won the old First Division in 1968 but, deep, deep into injury time Edin Dzeko levelled with a header and then, with virtually the last kick of the game, Aguero won it for the Blues. Despite all that, and crazy Barton's best efforts, the Strangers still managed to stay up themselves, as hapless Notlob could only draw 2-2 at Stoke. The Arse secured a place in next season's Champions League with a thrilling victory at The Hawthorns which owed much to a series of dreadful errors made by West Bromwich Albino's goalkeeper Marton Fulop. The 3-2 victory means twisty-faced Arsene Wenger's side finished the season in third place ahead of their North London rivals Happy Harry's hapless Sottingtot Hotshots whose 2-0 victory over Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance saw them finish fourth. They will now have to wait until Moscow Chelski FC's Champions League final next week against yer actual Bayern München. Should the crack Russian side win the trophy, they will occupy the fourth place in next season's Champions League competition as the holders. If the Hotshots do miss out, they'll be in the Europa League along with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies who ended a season of massive and unexpected over-achievement on something of a damp squib, losing 3-1 at yer actual Everton. 
It was Newcastle's third defeat in their last four games but it shouldn't obscure what a genuinely excellent year it has been for The Magpies - fifth place was something few, if any, predicted at the start of the season. With Moscow Chelski FC in sixth place, Everton finished seventh ahead of their Merseyside rivals the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws who ended a very disappointing (albeit, massively amusing) season with a 1-0 defeat at Swansea. The Alabama Yee-Haws, 'one of the top four sides in the premier League' according to their odious, boastful, greedy, full-of-his-own importance managing director Ian Ayre, and 'a top six club' according to their left-back, ended the season eighth and not even the top club in Liverpool. Which left Kenny Dalglish with a face like a smacked arse. So, no change there, then. At the bottom, poor bloody Notlob joined already relegated Wolverhampton Wannabes and the Blackburn Vindaloos in looking forward to second-tier Championship football in August. Wigan Not Very Athletic ended a season in which they'd spent most of their time in the bottom three, well clear of the relegation zone, beating Wolves 3-2, their seventh victory in their final nine games. Expect the excellent Roberto Martinez to be managing somebody halfway decent next season. Or, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, anyway. Also avoiding relegation, along with QPR, were the Aston Villains, who ended a thoroughly average year with a 2-0 defeat at Norwich. Villa boss Alex McLeish said: 'It was an absolutely shocking, woeful display. Maybe some of the boys were thinking about their holidays already. That team needs a change and there will be change. That wasn't an Alex McLeish team today. We need to bring more quality into the squad.' Yeah. good luck with that. Meanwhile, good old sour-faced Sir Alex Ferguson was his usual ungracious self. Speaking after the game at Blunderland, he scowled: 'Nobody expected that. Everybody expected City to win, but they did it against ten men for half-an-hour and with five extra minutes to help them.' I'm sorry, is that Alex Ferguson complaining about a team from Manchester winning a league via injury time goals? Oh, the irony.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle United's manager Alan Pardew has been named the Premier League manager of the season, while Sheikh Yer Man City's captain Vincent Kompany has taken the players' prize. 'It's been a magnificent achievement by everyone at this club,' said Pardew. Kompany has been a key man in City's defence as they closed in on their first title since 1968. Pardew took over The Magpies in December 2010 following the sacking of the popular Chris Hughton, when the team was in mid-table in the Premier League having been newly promoted from the Championship - they eventually finished the season in twelfth place (although, but for surrendering a three goal lead against West Bromwich Albinos on the last day of the 2010-2011 season, they would have been eighth. 
Pardew has taken the club to the verge of Champions League qualification this season, with his signings, particularly strikers Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse and French midfielder Yohan Cabaye, proving influential. Kompany took the players' award for his performances in a Sheikh Yer Man City defence which has conceded just twenty nine goals in thirty eight games, helping them to establish a superior, and potentially decisive, goal difference of nine in comparison to The Scum. City have kept seventeen clean sheets this season and their winner in the crucial 1-0 win over The Scum at the end of last month was scored by Kompany. The Belgian international tweeted: 'I'm really grateful but I must say straight away that I wish I could share this award in particular with my defensive partners. They are all incredible - Pablo Zabaleta, Gael Clichy, Joleon Lescott - and those not on Twitter. The prize is theirs!'
Remarkably, soon afterwards Jamie Mackie put the Strangers in front with an excellent goal against the run of play. With The Scum's beating Blunderland 1-0 at The Stadium of Shite thanks to a Wayne Rooney goal, City looked set to miss out on the their first League Championship title since they won the old First Division in 1968 but, deep, deep into injury time Edin Dzeko levelled with a header and then, with virtually the last kick of the game, Aguero won it for the Blues. Despite all that, and crazy Barton's best efforts, the Strangers still managed to stay up themselves, as hapless Notlob could only draw 2-2 at Stoke. The Arse secured a place in next season's Champions League with a thrilling victory at The Hawthorns which owed much to a series of dreadful errors made by West Bromwich Albino's goalkeeper Marton Fulop. The 3-2 victory means twisty-faced Arsene Wenger's side finished the season in third place ahead of their North London rivals Happy Harry's hapless Sottingtot Hotshots whose 2-0 victory over Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance saw them finish fourth. They will now have to wait until Moscow Chelski FC's Champions League final next week against yer actual Bayern München. Should the crack Russian side win the trophy, they will occupy the fourth place in next season's Champions League competition as the holders. If the Hotshots do miss out, they'll be in the Europa League along with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies who ended a season of massive and unexpected over-achievement on something of a damp squib, losing 3-1 at yer actual Everton. 
It was Newcastle's third defeat in their last four games but it shouldn't obscure what a genuinely excellent year it has been for The Magpies - fifth place was something few, if any, predicted at the start of the season. With Moscow Chelski FC in sixth place, Everton finished seventh ahead of their Merseyside rivals the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws who ended a very disappointing (albeit, massively amusing) season with a 1-0 defeat at Swansea. The Alabama Yee-Haws, 'one of the top four sides in the premier League' according to their odious, boastful, greedy, full-of-his-own importance managing director Ian Ayre, and 'a top six club' according to their left-back, ended the season eighth and not even the top club in Liverpool. Which left Kenny Dalglish with a face like a smacked arse. So, no change there, then. At the bottom, poor bloody Notlob joined already relegated Wolverhampton Wannabes and the Blackburn Vindaloos in looking forward to second-tier Championship football in August. Wigan Not Very Athletic ended a season in which they'd spent most of their time in the bottom three, well clear of the relegation zone, beating Wolves 3-2, their seventh victory in their final nine games. Expect the excellent Roberto Martinez to be managing somebody halfway decent next season. Or, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, anyway. Also avoiding relegation, along with QPR, were the Aston Villains, who ended a thoroughly average year with a 2-0 defeat at Norwich. Villa boss Alex McLeish said: 'It was an absolutely shocking, woeful display. Maybe some of the boys were thinking about their holidays already. That team needs a change and there will be change. That wasn't an Alex McLeish team today. We need to bring more quality into the squad.' Yeah. good luck with that. Meanwhile, good old sour-faced Sir Alex Ferguson was his usual ungracious self. Speaking after the game at Blunderland, he scowled: 'Nobody expected that. Everybody expected City to win, but they did it against ten men for half-an-hour and with five extra minutes to help them.' I'm sorry, is that Alex Ferguson complaining about a team from Manchester winning a league via injury time goals? Oh, the irony.
Pardew has taken the club to the verge of Champions League qualification this season, with his signings, particularly strikers Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse and French midfielder Yohan Cabaye, proving influential. Kompany took the players' award for his performances in a Sheikh Yer Man City defence which has conceded just twenty nine goals in thirty eight games, helping them to establish a superior, and potentially decisive, goal difference of nine in comparison to The Scum. City have kept seventeen clean sheets this season and their winner in the crucial 1-0 win over The Scum at the end of last month was scored by Kompany. The Belgian international tweeted: 'I'm really grateful but I must say straight away that I wish I could share this award in particular with my defensive partners. They are all incredible - Pablo Zabaleta, Gael Clichy, Joleon Lescott - and those not on Twitter. The prize is theirs!'
