The European Champions 2012 have started, dear blog reader. You just might have noticed. And, they're going to dominate the TV schedules for the next few weeks. Which is jolly unlucky if you don't happen to like football. But, if you don't happen to like football then you're nowhere, baby. A total zero. Fortunately, yer actual Keith Telly Topping does. And so do all other right-thinking individuals. So, without further ado ...
The tournament got under way with a thoroughly entertaining Group A game between the co-hosts, Poland and Greece. For the first thirty minutes, the Poles were in the ascendancy playing neat, quick-passing football and taking the lead via a header from yer actual Robert Lewandowski. Captain Jakub Błaszczykowski delivered a peach of a cross from the right which the Greek keeper Kostas Chalkias got nowhere near and Lewandowski planted a header down into the turf and watched it bounce into the top corner. The game, however, turned just before half-time when the over-fussy Spanish referee dismissed Sokratis Papastathopoulos - the man with the most Greek name in the world - for two bookable offences. The second probably wasn't worthy of a booking. The first wasn't even a foul. As the BBC's Steve Wilson noted, if that's the way matches at this tournament are going to be refereed, one can see a lot more games ending without a full compliment of twenty two chaps on the pitch. 
As Aristotle once said: 'Όλες οι ανθρώπινες ενέργειες έχουν μια ή περισσότερες από αυτές τις επτά αιτίες: πιθανότητα, φύση, εξαναγκασμοί, συνήθεια, λόγος, πάθος, επιθυμία.' Which, I think we can all agree with, can't we? Whether it was the manifest unfairness of the dismissal that finally roused the previously docile Greeks to get a right chimney on and start playing like they meant it is a matter for debate but, in the second half they were by far the better team. Not bad considering they were playing with, effectively, nine-and-a-half players since that big plank Samaras was doing his usual job of looking like a lazy, workshy sod. But, with their substitute Dimitris Salpingidis - on for the disappointing Sotiris Ninis - particular prominent Greece was, indeed, the word for the second half. It was Salpingidis who provided the equaliser. A veritable Euro bailout, as it were. It was a similar goal to Poland's, Vassilis Torossidis swinging in an excellent cross from the right, The Arse's keeper Wojciech Szczęsny flapping about wildly and failing to make the cross, the loose ball fell at the feet of Salpingidis who poked it home. Soon afterwards, the Greeks should have won it. Salpingidis was involved again, beating the offside trap whilst latching on to a long ball and skipping around Szczęsny - who promptly tripped him. A clear red card and a penalty. Sub keeper Przemysław Tytoń made himself an instant national hero, diving to his left to keep out Giorgos Karagounis's tame penalty. Both teams had chances to win it at the death but, ultimately, a draw was probably the right result. So, good start that.
In the day's second match, a very impressive Russia gave the Czech Republic a 4-1 trousers-down hiding. With Andrey Arshavin in particularly fine form, two goals from Alan Dzagoev and strikes from Roman Shirokov and Roman Pavlyuchenko sealed the victory. Vaclav Pilar replied for the very disappointing Czechs.
And, so to Saturday's two games: First up it's the Netherlands versus Denmark (kick-off 5.00pm). This one's on the BBC so the coverage, commentary and presentation will, at least, be vaguely decent as opposed to, you know, the atrocious tripe you get on the other side. National treasure yer actual lovely Gary Lineker his very self introduces coverage of this afternoon's Group B clash at the Metalist Stadium in Kharkiv, where the teams play their opening match. Nice teeth, Gary Lineker, don't you think? Anyway, this is the second major tournament in succession where the Dutch and the Danes have been drawn against each other in the group stage, having also met at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.
That encounter in Johannesburg saw the Netherlands open their campaign with a comfortable 2-0 victory, as they embarked on an impressive winning streak which would take them all the way to the final, looking as good as they had in any major tournament since 1988. And then, they got to the final, their arses fell out and they played for (and got) a 1-0 defeat, finishing as poor runners-up to yer actual Spain. Bert van Marwijk's men have been in imperious form since then, however, winning nine of their ten games in the qualifying stage as they topped Group E, and they are among the favourites to go all the way at this tournament. But, of course, they won't cos they're the Dutch and they always pull this trick every couple of years. See, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has always loved the Dutch, dear blog reader - ever since he watched, mesmerised as an unhealthy ten year old in 1974 when their totaal voetbal entranced the world. And then, they broke our hearts when they lost to the Germans in the final. They seemed to say to every unhealthy ten year old 'be brilliant, be expressive, be fabulous, be yourself and you'll win.' They lied! However, Denmark also performed admirably in qualifying automatically for Euro 2012, and will be determined to make up for the disappointment of their performances two years ago in South Africa, when they lost two of their three group matches and returned home early. Find out whether The Toon's Tim Krul or Swansea's Michel Vorm is playing in goal for the Brilliant Oranj. With analysis by Alan Hansen (so, that'll be 'unbelieveable', basically), Phil Neville and Clarence Seedorf.
Then, after a suitable break so that Gary can change his shirt, we've got Germany versus Portugal (kick-off 7.45pm). Which is usually a question of who bursts into tears first. Lineker - and his lovely teeth - presents coverage of the Group B clash at the Arena Lviv, where the respective runners-up from the 2008 and 2004 tournaments begin their quests for glory. This is the third time in the last four European Championships that the Germans and the Portuguese have faced each other, having been paired in the group stage of Euro 2000 and in the knockout stage four years ago. That clash in Basel, Switzerland, was the highlight of the quarter-finals, as Germany took a 2-0 lead midway through the first-half, only to be pegged back to 2-1 shortly before the interval. Their two-goal advantage was restored on the hour mark, but when Portugal scored a second goal of their own three minutes from time, the Germans had to hang on nervously until the final whistle. Which they did. Because, they're the Germans, and they're good at that sort of thing. That encounter was in contrast to the meeting at Euro 2000, when a 3-0 victory for Portugal in the final group match saw Germany crash out of the tournament with just one point from three games, as they finished bottom of a group that also contained Romania and England. Cristiano Ronaldo notched a staggering sixty goals in all competitions this season as he helped Real Madrid wrestle control of La Liga away from arch-rivals Barcelona. But still, nobody likes him because he's a cheating little twat. Opposing him will be Germany's Bastian Schweinsteiger, the Bayern Munchen midfielder who, by contrast, has not had the best of seasons, culminating in defeat in the Champions League final by Moscow Chelski FC.
Someone's luck has to change and this evening’s Group B encounter. Lee Dxion joins Hansen and Seedorf on the couch. Remember, dear blog reader, association football is a sport which is played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Portugal are one of them, two teams of nine ... or eight ... - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport in the world. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something which girls play. The game takes place on a pitch of rectangular grass or artificial turf. The object is to score by getting the ball into the opposing goal and then stopping them from doing the same thing to you. Fairly, of course. Or, if you're Italian, any damn way you can. In general play, the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to use their hands to touch the ball although at least one former Argentine international tended to ignore that rule when he felt like it. The rest of the team normally use their feet to kick the ball. And, sometimes, each other. Really hard. It's a game of two halves, Brian, and at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will be Over the Moon and the other lot will be Sick as a Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves, and extra time, and then the Germans usually win on penalties. The game is controlled - or, more often, not controlled - by an officious, whistle-happy berk aided by two visually-impaired prats with flags. It was invented by the English but, whisper it, they're not really very good at it. 
The Germans, however, are. Usually. The Dutch and the Spanish are sometimes quite good too but, more often than not, they end up fighting among themselves after a couple of matches. Which can be jolly amusing in and of itself if you're in the right sort of mood. The game has many rules, most of which are reasonably straight forward. Except for offside (don't ask, trust me, it's not worth it, we'll be here all day). Every four years the best sixteen nations in Europe come together in a spectacularly expensive corporate brown-tongued hate-fest. Scotland normally don't take part. Because, as noted, it's a tournament for the sixteen best national sides in Europe. Fifteen of them inevitably go home darkly muttering about bias, conspiracy, bad luck, dodgy red cards and 'that was never over the line.' There can be only one champion. A bit like the movie Highlander, if you will, only with rather less beheadings. Although, if you're ever seen Turkey play ...
As Aristotle once said: 'Όλες οι ανθρώπινες ενέργειες έχουν μια ή περισσότερες από αυτές τις επτά αιτίες: πιθανότητα, φύση, εξαναγκασμοί, συνήθεια, λόγος, πάθος, επιθυμία.' Which, I think we can all agree with, can't we? Whether it was the manifest unfairness of the dismissal that finally roused the previously docile Greeks to get a right chimney on and start playing like they meant it is a matter for debate but, in the second half they were by far the better team. Not bad considering they were playing with, effectively, nine-and-a-half players since that big plank Samaras was doing his usual job of looking like a lazy, workshy sod. But, with their substitute Dimitris Salpingidis - on for the disappointing Sotiris Ninis - particular prominent Greece was, indeed, the word for the second half. It was Salpingidis who provided the equaliser. A veritable Euro bailout, as it were. It was a similar goal to Poland's, Vassilis Torossidis swinging in an excellent cross from the right, The Arse's keeper Wojciech Szczęsny flapping about wildly and failing to make the cross, the loose ball fell at the feet of Salpingidis who poked it home. Soon afterwards, the Greeks should have won it. Salpingidis was involved again, beating the offside trap whilst latching on to a long ball and skipping around Szczęsny - who promptly tripped him. A clear red card and a penalty. Sub keeper Przemysław Tytoń made himself an instant national hero, diving to his left to keep out Giorgos Karagounis's tame penalty. Both teams had chances to win it at the death but, ultimately, a draw was probably the right result. So, good start that. In the day's second match, a very impressive Russia gave the Czech Republic a 4-1 trousers-down hiding. With Andrey Arshavin in particularly fine form, two goals from Alan Dzagoev and strikes from Roman Shirokov and Roman Pavlyuchenko sealed the victory. Vaclav Pilar replied for the very disappointing Czechs.
And, so to Saturday's two games: First up it's the Netherlands versus Denmark (kick-off 5.00pm). This one's on the BBC so the coverage, commentary and presentation will, at least, be vaguely decent as opposed to, you know, the atrocious tripe you get on the other side. National treasure yer actual lovely Gary Lineker his very self introduces coverage of this afternoon's Group B clash at the Metalist Stadium in Kharkiv, where the teams play their opening match. Nice teeth, Gary Lineker, don't you think? Anyway, this is the second major tournament in succession where the Dutch and the Danes have been drawn against each other in the group stage, having also met at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.
That encounter in Johannesburg saw the Netherlands open their campaign with a comfortable 2-0 victory, as they embarked on an impressive winning streak which would take them all the way to the final, looking as good as they had in any major tournament since 1988. And then, they got to the final, their arses fell out and they played for (and got) a 1-0 defeat, finishing as poor runners-up to yer actual Spain. Bert van Marwijk's men have been in imperious form since then, however, winning nine of their ten games in the qualifying stage as they topped Group E, and they are among the favourites to go all the way at this tournament. But, of course, they won't cos they're the Dutch and they always pull this trick every couple of years. See, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has always loved the Dutch, dear blog reader - ever since he watched, mesmerised as an unhealthy ten year old in 1974 when their totaal voetbal entranced the world. And then, they broke our hearts when they lost to the Germans in the final. They seemed to say to every unhealthy ten year old 'be brilliant, be expressive, be fabulous, be yourself and you'll win.' They lied! However, Denmark also performed admirably in qualifying automatically for Euro 2012, and will be determined to make up for the disappointment of their performances two years ago in South Africa, when they lost two of their three group matches and returned home early. Find out whether The Toon's Tim Krul or Swansea's Michel Vorm is playing in goal for the Brilliant Oranj. With analysis by Alan Hansen (so, that'll be 'unbelieveable', basically), Phil Neville and Clarence Seedorf.Then, after a suitable break so that Gary can change his shirt, we've got Germany versus Portugal (kick-off 7.45pm). Which is usually a question of who bursts into tears first. Lineker - and his lovely teeth - presents coverage of the Group B clash at the Arena Lviv, where the respective runners-up from the 2008 and 2004 tournaments begin their quests for glory. This is the third time in the last four European Championships that the Germans and the Portuguese have faced each other, having been paired in the group stage of Euro 2000 and in the knockout stage four years ago. That clash in Basel, Switzerland, was the highlight of the quarter-finals, as Germany took a 2-0 lead midway through the first-half, only to be pegged back to 2-1 shortly before the interval. Their two-goal advantage was restored on the hour mark, but when Portugal scored a second goal of their own three minutes from time, the Germans had to hang on nervously until the final whistle. Which they did. Because, they're the Germans, and they're good at that sort of thing. That encounter was in contrast to the meeting at Euro 2000, when a 3-0 victory for Portugal in the final group match saw Germany crash out of the tournament with just one point from three games, as they finished bottom of a group that also contained Romania and England. Cristiano Ronaldo notched a staggering sixty goals in all competitions this season as he helped Real Madrid wrestle control of La Liga away from arch-rivals Barcelona. But still, nobody likes him because he's a cheating little twat. Opposing him will be Germany's Bastian Schweinsteiger, the Bayern Munchen midfielder who, by contrast, has not had the best of seasons, culminating in defeat in the Champions League final by Moscow Chelski FC.
Someone's luck has to change and this evening’s Group B encounter. Lee Dxion joins Hansen and Seedorf on the couch. Remember, dear blog reader, association football is a sport which is played between two teams of eleven players - or, if Portugal are one of them, two teams of nine ... or eight ... - using a spherical ball. Because, using a square one would be bloody ridiculous. It is widely considered to be the most popular participation and spectator sport in the world. Except in the USA where they don't even use its proper name and think it's something which girls play. The game takes place on a pitch of rectangular grass or artificial turf. The object is to score by getting the ball into the opposing goal and then stopping them from doing the same thing to you. Fairly, of course. Or, if you're Italian, any damn way you can. In general play, the goalkeepers are the only players allowed to use their hands to touch the ball although at least one former Argentine international tended to ignore that rule when he felt like it. The rest of the team normally use their feet to kick the ball. And, sometimes, each other. Really hard. It's a game of two halves, Brian, and at the end of ninety minutes the team which scores the most goals will be Over the Moon and the other lot will be Sick as a Parrot. Or, to put it another way, it's a game of two halves, and extra time, and then the Germans usually win on penalties. The game is controlled - or, more often, not controlled - by an officious, whistle-happy berk aided by two visually-impaired prats with flags. It was invented by the English but, whisper it, they're not really very good at it. 
The Germans, however, are. Usually. The Dutch and the Spanish are sometimes quite good too but, more often than not, they end up fighting among themselves after a couple of matches. Which can be jolly amusing in and of itself if you're in the right sort of mood. The game has many rules, most of which are reasonably straight forward. Except for offside (don't ask, trust me, it's not worth it, we'll be here all day). Every four years the best sixteen nations in Europe come together in a spectacularly expensive corporate brown-tongued hate-fest. Scotland normally don't take part. Because, as noted, it's a tournament for the sixteen best national sides in Europe. Fifteen of them inevitably go home darkly muttering about bias, conspiracy, bad luck, dodgy red cards and 'that was never over the line.' There can be only one champion. A bit like the movie Highlander, if you will, only with rather less beheadings. Although, if you're ever seen Turkey play ...
