As we all know, dear blog reader, there is no such thing as a 'good' week for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies. Every time a silver lining appears on the horizon a sodding great cloud usually comes along to obscure it. The people running that club really are remarkable in their ability to screw up almost everything they touch and give their long-suffering supporters reason to shake their heads in sad bewilderment and mutter the same thing that The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy suggests a bowl petunias falling to Earth does: 'Oh no, not again!' Just two days after their confirmed promotion back to the Premier League, St James' Park along with West Hamster United's London Stadium were raided by Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs officers following an investigation into the clubs' transfer activity. Rafael Benitez, celebrating promotion on Monday, told reporters it was good to work at a club where there's no backroom politics, a not-so-subtle reference to his tumultuous time at Real Madrid. With Newcastle having documents seized and further questions looming for its senior officials, he may have spoken too soon. HMRC officers also reportedly visited offices belonging to Moscow Chelski FC 'in connection with its wider investigation,' a club spokesman confirmed. But, media reports suggested that the club's premises were 'not raided' and no arrests were made. According to local media reports, French officials arrested four football agents, with Marseille's transfer dealings understood to be under investigation. 
Newcastle's managing director Lee Charnley was reportedly arrested following the raids on Wednesday morning though he was released later that day without charge. HMRC said that they had arrested 'several men working within professional football industry for suspected of income tax and national insurance fraud. One hundred and eighty HMRC officers have been deployed across the UK and France today. Investigators have searched a number of premises in the North East and South East of England and arrested the men and also seized business records, financial records, computers and mobile phones. The French authorities are assisting the UK investigation, have made arrests and several locations have been searched in France. This criminal investigation sends a clear message that, whoever you are, if you commit tax fraud you can expect to face the consequences.' West Hamster's London Stadium was raided at around 8am on Wednesday morning. Officials 'co-operated' when asked to hand over documents relating to the investigation (such an odd phrase, that. I mean what the Hell else are they going to do but co-operate when The Law arrives and demands they hand over their records?) The Daily Torygraph claimed that the investigation 'extends to other clubs in England.' Charnley was appointed in 2014 to help The Magpies' owner, Mike Ashley, with recruitment. He played a key role in the appointment of Rafa The Gaffer Benitez as manager last year and in persuading him to stay during the summer. He has been Ashley's closest aide in his time at the club, quickly rising up the ranks and is said to prefer being 'in the background,' according to an alleged 'source' allegedly close to the club. Meanwhile, Sky Sports' Bryan Swanson tweeted: 'We're told today's HMRC raids focus on player transfers between UK and France; image rights, benefits and agent payments.' The Evening Chronicle reported that HMRC officials had also been seen entering a house in the Gosforth area of Newcastle on Wednesday. Sky later claimed that the address was Charnley's. The Daily Mirra's report on the events of the day included the following gem: 'Toon owner Mike Ashley only found out from the TV news, according to the club's chief scout Graham Carr, dad of comedian Jimmy.' Graham Carr, of course, is not Jimmy Carr's father, he's Alan Carr's father. It's odd, isn't it? The Daily Mirra used to be a newspaper that got most things right. Till they stopped hacking people's phones, obviously. They quote Carr as saying: 'Mike wouldn't know what was going on in the office. He'd probably know the gross figures and all that, and how much is paid to agents. But he would probably leave Lee Charnley to run the club which he's done very well. It's a sad day for Newcastle, a real bolt out of the blue. It's a bit of a shocker.' 
Carr, admitted that he expected to be questioned himself 'but insisted he had nothing to hide,' according to the Mirra. French news outlets reported on Thursday morning that former Magpie Sylvain Marveaux was one of those detained in France. The midfielder joined Newcastle on a free transfer from Rennes during July 2011, leaving for fellow French side Guingamp on a loan deal exactly three years later after he'd fallen out of favour with then manager, Alan Pardew. Returning to Tyneside in the summer of 2015, Marveaux saw out the final season of his deal at Gallowgate before becoming a free agent and moving permanently to French side FC Lorient. The Sun claimed that the 2011 signing of Demba Ba by Newcastle from West Ham led to the establishment of an HMRC investigation in 2016 which, ultimately, prompted Wednesday's activities. They also go on to highlight an alleged 'dispute' which involved the signing of Henri Saivet by Newcastle in 2016 - with the player changing agents before he swapped Bordeaux for Tyneside. Saivet's former agent alleges that his client made that change 'following contact with Graham Carr and that Lee Charnley was also contacted over the situation,' according to the Sun. It would be really ironic of all this bother is over the transfers of a pair of useless glakes like Marveaux and Saivet, neither of whom contributed very much during their stays at Gallowgate. Inevitably, this news has led to speculation over a possible points deduction and/or transfer embargo affecting United if any financial impropriety is proven. That, of course, cannot be ruled out, although given the hugely complex nature of what is being investigated and the time for any potential case to come to court - if, indeed, it ever does - it would seem unlikely that anything could affect Newcastle's return to the top flight in the short term, particular as, at the time of writing, no one connected with Newcastle has actually been charged with any wrongdoing, much less tried and convicted or acquitted. What happens in the long term, though, is another matter entirely - and while this remains a tax issue, it's plausible that an ultimately negative outcome could trigger some form of action from the football authorities. In January, a Parliamentary Committee revealed that forty three players, twelve clubs and eight agents were the subject of 'open inquiries' by HMRC. And finally, from the 'you really couldn't make this stuff up' department, the Nufc.com website suggests that on the very day that St James' Park was raided by HMRC, 'a public seminar by The Chartered Institute of Taxation was hosted there!'
Meanwhile, of course, there's still some actual football to be played; Newcastle finished their season on the road with a record fourteenth away victory - beating the thirteen achieved by Kevin Keegan's team in the 1992-93 promotion season - to put the pressure on Brighton & Hove Albinos for the Championship title and end a mostly horrible week around the club on a lighter note. Fabulous strikes from Christian Atsu and Isaac Hayden in the second-half secured the points for Rafa The Gaffer's side as they moved a point behind Brighton who play at teatime on Saturday. After a fairly lethargic first-half, Atsu chipped in a nonchalant free-kick from the edge of the box to break the deadlock and ten minutes later Hayden rifled in a twenty five-yard effort to make the points safe. The promotion party atmosphere was taken down to South Wales as over four thousand boisterous and celebratory away followers continued the celebrations in fine fashion and the team and manager took the plaudits at the end. There could have been more goals for both sides as Cardiff wasted some good chances and United were denied two clear penalties, while Jazz Richards was lucky to stay on the pitch after a horribly reckless challenge on Atsu.
Blunderland manager David Moyes has been very charged by the Football Association after telling the BBC reporter Vicki Sparks she might 'get a slap.' Moyes (seen below shortly after a hamster had run up his trouser leg, seemingly) was caught-on-camera making the vile, bullying remarks after his team's draw against Burnley in the Premier League in March. The fifty four-year-old has expressed 'deep regret' for his comments. It came after an interview in which he was asked by Vicki - whom, as this blogger has previously noted, is a former colleague of Keith Telly Topping - if the presence of Sunderland's owner Ellis Short at the game had put extra pressure on him. He said 'no' but, after the interview, added that Vicki 'might get a slap even though you're a woman' and that she should be 'careful' next time she visited The Stadium of Plight. An FA statement said it is alleged his remarks were 'improper and/or threatening and/or brought the game into disrepute,' contrary to Rule E3(1). The Scot has until Wednesday 3 May to reply to the charge or cough up his guilt and accept his, frankly, overdue punishment. This occurred on the very day that The Mackem Filth extremely lost their latest Premier League game to another relegation-threatened side, The Middeslbrough Smog Monsters, to leave the Wearsiders on the brink of the drop.
Burnley midfielder Joey Barton has been extremely banned from football for eighteen months after admitting a Football Association charge in relation to betting. The thirty four-year-old has been fined thirty grand and 'warned about his future conduct' after being charged with breaking FA rules for placing twelve hundred and sixty bets on matches between 26 March 2006 and 13 May 2016. Barton claimed that he is 'addicted' to gambling. He plans to appeal against the length of the suspension, calling it 'excessive. I have fought addiction to gambling and provided the FA with a medical report about my problem - I'm disappointed it wasn't taken into proper consideration,' he said. The midfielder bet on some matches in which he played but he stressed in a statement on his website that 'this is not match fixing' and that at 'no point in any of this is my integrity in question.' He added: 'I accept that I broke the rules governing professional footballers, but I do feel the penalty is heavier than it might be for other less controversial players. The decision effectively forces me into an early retirement.' Barton also called on the FA to do more to tackle the culture of gambling in football. He added: 'If the FA is truly serious about tackling the culture of gambling in football, it needs to look at its own dependence on the gambling companies, their role in football and in sports broadcasting, rather than just blaming the players who place a bet.' Players in England's top eight tiers are banned from betting on all football matches. Barton rejoined Burnley in January, having left Scottish Premiership side Glasgow Rangers in November. In the same month, he was given a one-match ban for breaking Scottish Football Association rules on gambling. Barton admitted the Scottish FA charge of placing forty four bets between 1 July and 15 September 2016, whilst he was a player at Ibrox. Barton said that since 2004, on an account with Betfair, he placed 'over fifteen thousand bets across a whole range of sports' - of which over twelve hundred were on football - staking an average of one hundred and fifty notes per bet. Between 2004 and 2011 Barton said that he also placed several bets on his own team to lose matches but added that he was not involved in the match-day squad in any of those instances. 'I had no more ability to influence the outcome than had I been betting on darts, snooker, or a cricket match in the West Indies,' said Barton. 'On some of those occasions, my placing of the bet on my own team to lose was an expression of my anger and frustration at not being picked or being unable to play. I have never placed a bet against my own team when in a position to influence the game and I am pleased that in all of the interviews with the FA and at the hearing, my integrity on that point has never been in question.' Barton's bets on matches he started include a three pound stake on himself to be first goalscorer for Sheik Yer Man City against Fulham in a Premier League game in April 2006. City team-mate Richard Dunne scored the first goal in a two-one defeat. It is understood that the FA was only made aware of the bets by the betting company prior to his second charge in December 2016, which led to its investigation. The high number of bets has resulted in a detailed and complex investigation and the timing of the charge was not related to Barton rejoining Burnley.
And now, dear blog reader, here's this ...
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies' Championship title challenge will go down to the last day of the season after Bristol City shocked Brighton & Hove Albinos with a one-nil victory at The Amex Stadium on Saturday evening. All of which means that if United can beat Barnsley at St James' Park on Sunday, The Seagulls will need to win at Villa Park to stop Th' Toon from, unexpectedly, nicking the title. Josh Brownhill's forty third minute header was enough to win the game for The Robins and secure their Championship status for next season but Chris Hughton's side rarely looked like breaking down the visitors. The play-off issues in the Championship were all more-or-less settled on Saturday too. Huddersfield had already secured their position in mid-week and they will be joined in the play-offs by Reading (whose one-nil victory over Wigan Not-Very-Athletic condemned The Lactis to a swift return to the third tier next season) and Sheffield Wednesday (who won at Ipswich). Fulham, who drew one-one at home to Brentford, will almost certainly join them after Dirty Leeds' play-off aspirations all but disappeared despite coming from three goals down to draw with Norwich at Elland Road. Fulham need just a point from their final game of the season - against Sheffield Wednesday - to guarantee sixth place. Even if they lose, Garry Monk's Dirty Leeds will still finish outside the play-offs in seventh place, barring a fourteen-goal swing in the final round of fixtures. At the bottom, three teams - Blackburn Vindaloos, Nottingham Forest and Birmingham - are all struggling to avoid joining already relegated Wigan and Rotherham in League One next year. Blackburn, who have not competed in the third tier since 1980, occupy twenty second spot but kept their survival hopes intact by defeating Aston Villains courtesy of Danny Graham's goal. The result moved The Vindaloos level on forty eight points with Forest, who were beaten at Queens Park Strangers with Conor Washington and Joel Lynch's goals ending a run of six successive defeats for The Strangers and guaranteeing their own safety. Birmingham claimed their first win under new boss, Happy Harry Redknapp and moved two points clear of the drop after seeing off Huddersfield. Despite playing most of the match with ten men after Che Adams' dismissal midway through the first half, Jonathan Grounds' header four minutes before the interval and Craig Gardner's seventy sixth-minute penalty gave The Blues a vital three points. The first Premier League relegation of the season was also confirmed on Saturday although, to be honest, Blunderland's demotion has been pretty certain for most of the season. Bournemouth's one-nil victory at The Stadium of Plight merely confirmed the inevitable for Hapless David Moyes and his sorry band of hasbeens and neverweres. Hull City's point at Southampton meant that The Mackems were mathematically relegated. In League One, Sheffield United were promoted on 8 April as they won at Northampton and The Blades clinched the title a week later when second-placed Notlob Wanderings lost to Oldham. The second promotion place was taken by Notlob Wanderings who defeated Peterborough three-nil on Sunday. Fleetwood could only draw with Port Vale and will now have to contest the play-offs along with Scunthorpe, Bradford City and Millwall who beat Bristol Rovers in a seven-goal thriller at The Memorial Stadium thanks to a late goal by Shaun Hutchinson. Southend and Rochdale missed out on the play-offs, the former despite beating Lee Clark's Bury. Coventry City were relegated to the fourth tier for the first time in fifty eight years after drawing with Charlton Not-Very-Athletic on 14 April, whilst Chesterfield's relegation was confirmed on 17 April after they lost to Scunthorpe. Swindon Town were relegated on 22 April with a home defeat also by Scunthorpe. The final relegation place went to Port Vale with Gillingham's point at Northampton taking them above The Vale. Bury and Shrewsbury - despite last day defeats - also survived. League Two Leaders Doncaster Rovers clinched promotion to League One on 8 April as they beat Mansfield. Plymouth Argyle and Portsmouth both secured promotion on 17 April as Argyle beat Newport County six-one while Pompey won three-one at Notts County. The next four teams will contest the play-offs. Luton and Exeter are assured of being two of those, but another seven teams are all in contention for the final positions in the final round of games. The bottom two teams will be relegated to the National League. Bottom club Leyton Orient were relegated on 22 April after losing to Crewe. They will be joined by Hartlepool unless they win at home to Doncaster and Newport lose at home to Notts County. Leyton Orient's match with Colchester United was held up for nearly two hours after angry fans occupied the pitch. Colchester eventually won the match three-one after home fans - protesting against Orient owner Francesco Becchetti - got onto the pitch in the eighty fifth minute. Following the lengthy delay, the players returned and played the final eight minutes behind closed doors. A Football League statement said that the game was concluded 'to maintain the integrity of the competition.' It read: 'The decision to play the match to a conclusion was agreed with both managers and with the support of the match officials. The police and stadium security staff were happy for the match to restart and this took place at approximately 6.40pm. Despite requests for the fans to clear the pitch, there wasn't sufficient movement to allow the game to restart following a pitch invasion. A decision was taken with the police to announce that the game had been abandoned, as it was felt this would help clear the pitch, which proved correct. However, it was deemed appropriate that the game needed to be played to a conclusion in order to maintain the integrity of the competition and in respect of Colchester United's position of being able to qualify for the League Two play-offs.' Before kick-off, troubled club Orient released a statement saying that they had cleared their debts to Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs. However, BBC London claims that some freelance contractors at the club are yet to be paid. The win moved Colchester up to tenth place, one point adrift of the play-off places with one match remaining. Lincoln City were promoted to League Two as National League champions on 22 April after beating Macclesfield. In the play-off semi-finals, Tranmere will face Aldershot, with Forest Green taking on Dagenham & Redbridge. The bottom four teams are relegated. Southport went down on 14 April after losing at Dover, whilst North Ferriby United were relegated on 17 April after a three-one defeat at Barrow. They were joined on the final day of the season by Braintree Town, who lost at Aldershot and York City who could only draw two-two with Forest Green as rivals Guiseley scored a last-minute equaliser against Solihull Moors to send The Minstermen down to the National League North. City now have only the consolation of an FA Trophy final against Macclesfield to look forward to in three weeks.
Newcastle's managing director Lee Charnley was reportedly arrested following the raids on Wednesday morning though he was released later that day without charge. HMRC said that they had arrested 'several men working within professional football industry for suspected of income tax and national insurance fraud. One hundred and eighty HMRC officers have been deployed across the UK and France today. Investigators have searched a number of premises in the North East and South East of England and arrested the men and also seized business records, financial records, computers and mobile phones. The French authorities are assisting the UK investigation, have made arrests and several locations have been searched in France. This criminal investigation sends a clear message that, whoever you are, if you commit tax fraud you can expect to face the consequences.' West Hamster's London Stadium was raided at around 8am on Wednesday morning. Officials 'co-operated' when asked to hand over documents relating to the investigation (such an odd phrase, that. I mean what the Hell else are they going to do but co-operate when The Law arrives and demands they hand over their records?) The Daily Torygraph claimed that the investigation 'extends to other clubs in England.' Charnley was appointed in 2014 to help The Magpies' owner, Mike Ashley, with recruitment. He played a key role in the appointment of Rafa The Gaffer Benitez as manager last year and in persuading him to stay during the summer. He has been Ashley's closest aide in his time at the club, quickly rising up the ranks and is said to prefer being 'in the background,' according to an alleged 'source' allegedly close to the club. Meanwhile, Sky Sports' Bryan Swanson tweeted: 'We're told today's HMRC raids focus on player transfers between UK and France; image rights, benefits and agent payments.' The Evening Chronicle reported that HMRC officials had also been seen entering a house in the Gosforth area of Newcastle on Wednesday. Sky later claimed that the address was Charnley's. The Daily Mirra's report on the events of the day included the following gem: 'Toon owner Mike Ashley only found out from the TV news, according to the club's chief scout Graham Carr, dad of comedian Jimmy.' Graham Carr, of course, is not Jimmy Carr's father, he's Alan Carr's father. It's odd, isn't it? The Daily Mirra used to be a newspaper that got most things right. Till they stopped hacking people's phones, obviously. They quote Carr as saying: 'Mike wouldn't know what was going on in the office. He'd probably know the gross figures and all that, and how much is paid to agents. But he would probably leave Lee Charnley to run the club which he's done very well. It's a sad day for Newcastle, a real bolt out of the blue. It's a bit of a shocker.' Carr, admitted that he expected to be questioned himself 'but insisted he had nothing to hide,' according to the Mirra. French news outlets reported on Thursday morning that former Magpie Sylvain Marveaux was one of those detained in France. The midfielder joined Newcastle on a free transfer from Rennes during July 2011, leaving for fellow French side Guingamp on a loan deal exactly three years later after he'd fallen out of favour with then manager, Alan Pardew. Returning to Tyneside in the summer of 2015, Marveaux saw out the final season of his deal at Gallowgate before becoming a free agent and moving permanently to French side FC Lorient. The Sun claimed that the 2011 signing of Demba Ba by Newcastle from West Ham led to the establishment of an HMRC investigation in 2016 which, ultimately, prompted Wednesday's activities. They also go on to highlight an alleged 'dispute' which involved the signing of Henri Saivet by Newcastle in 2016 - with the player changing agents before he swapped Bordeaux for Tyneside. Saivet's former agent alleges that his client made that change 'following contact with Graham Carr and that Lee Charnley was also contacted over the situation,' according to the Sun. It would be really ironic of all this bother is over the transfers of a pair of useless glakes like Marveaux and Saivet, neither of whom contributed very much during their stays at Gallowgate. Inevitably, this news has led to speculation over a possible points deduction and/or transfer embargo affecting United if any financial impropriety is proven. That, of course, cannot be ruled out, although given the hugely complex nature of what is being investigated and the time for any potential case to come to court - if, indeed, it ever does - it would seem unlikely that anything could affect Newcastle's return to the top flight in the short term, particular as, at the time of writing, no one connected with Newcastle has actually been charged with any wrongdoing, much less tried and convicted or acquitted. What happens in the long term, though, is another matter entirely - and while this remains a tax issue, it's plausible that an ultimately negative outcome could trigger some form of action from the football authorities. In January, a Parliamentary Committee revealed that forty three players, twelve clubs and eight agents were the subject of 'open inquiries' by HMRC. And finally, from the 'you really couldn't make this stuff up' department, the Nufc.com website suggests that on the very day that St James' Park was raided by HMRC, 'a public seminar by The Chartered Institute of Taxation was hosted there!' 
