Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, tragically unsellable) Magpies scored their first goals and recorded their first points of the Premier League season with an impressive win over a struggling and very poor West Hamsters United side. Both teams began the new campaign with two defeats - in Th' Toon's case made even worse by an effective surrender-before-kick-off earlier in the week in the League Cup against Nottingham Forest and playing like a bunch of girls in their previous two league games - and it was anticipated this contest would be a war of attrition, even at this early stage of the season. There was, however, much to entertain the crowd and United took the lead in the thirty sixth minute when recent signing Joselu poked in after good work from Mikel Merino and Christian Atsu. Newcastle grew in confidence after the break and it was two-nil when the excellent Matt Ritchie delivered a great ball into the area which was headed in by Ciaran Clark. In the closing moments, substitute Aleksandar Mitrovic made sure of the three points when he took the ball around that bloody wankhands Joe Hart before slotting in into the empty net. The Hamsters remain rooted to the bottom of the table, having conceded ten goals in three games.
Elsewhere, The Scum moved back to the top of the Premier League table after claiming a third win from three games with Saturday's two-nil victory over Leicester City. Jose Mourinho's men have now scored ten league goals without reply so far this season, but things did not all go their way at Old Trafford. Kasper Schmeichel saved Romelu Lukaku's penalty six minutes into the second half and it took until twenty minutes from time for The Scum to make the breakthrough. Marcus Rashford took advantage of slack marking to sweep in following a corner three minutes after his introduction off the bench. Rashford's fellow substitute, Marouane Fellaini, added a second after Jesse Lingard's shot to leave Leicester, the 2015-16 champions, with three points from their opening three matches. Sheikh Yer Man City claimed a late win over Bournemouth as defeats for West Hamsters United and Crystal Palace put pressure on Slaven Bilic and Frank De Boer at the bottom. Bournemouth are also without a point after three games this season as Pep Guardiola's City claimed victory through Raheem Sterling's stoppage-time winner. The England forward was subsequently sent off after earning a second yellow card for his celebrations at netting the decisive strike. A decision which made yer actual Alan Shearer proper vexed on Match Of The Day. Gosh, he was so angry, this blogger thought he was going to elbow Phil Neville right in the mush. Garth Crooks was a bit discombobulated by the whole malarkey too. Gabriel Jesus had cancelled out Charlie Daniels' stunning strike as Sheikh Yer Man City came from behind for a second win from three games following Monday's draw with Everton. There was also a geet-rive on with kids getting sparked an' aal sorts at the end with Bournemouth claiming, not particularly convincingly, that a 'misunderstanding' led one of their stewards to allege that he was struck by Sheikh Yer Man City's Sergio Aguero when television pictures proved that he clearly wasn't or anything even remotely like it. Whether the steward will, deservedly, have his ass extremely sacked for lying and trying to get Aguero into trouble is not yet known. Palace and The Hamsters are both without a point after three games. De Boer's Eagles are also yet to score after a two-nil defeat to previously winless Swansea and were booed off the pitch by their own fans three matches into the Dutchman's reign. Tammy Abraham, on loan from Moscow Chelski FC, scored his first Premier League goal a minute before half-time and Jordan Ayew added a second within three minutes of the restart for The Swans. Huddersfield are on seven points, alongside Sheikh Yer Man City, after being held to a goalless draw by Southampton. The Terriers are still to concede a goal and lead Guardiola's men on goal difference. Miguel Britos was sent off for a sickening two-footed challenge on Anthony Knockaert after twenty four minutes, but Brighton & Hove Albinos are still chasing a first Premier League goal this season. They have their first point though and maiden clean sheet following a goalless draw at Watford. In Sunday's games, West Bromwich Albino's one hundred per cent winning start to the season came to an end as a terrible defensive mix-up between Ahmed Hegazi and Ben Foster gifted Dirty Stoke a draw at The Hawthorns. The Baggies were on course to join The Scum on nine points at the top of the Premier League after Jay Rodriguez headed home his first league goal for the club on his home debut. But in attempting to clear a seemingly innocuous chipped cross from substitute Ramadan Sobhi, Hegazi and Foster both missed the ball - allowing Peter Crouch to head into an unguarded net. Burnley's new signing Chris Wood scored a dramatic injury-time equaliser to deny Stottingtot Hotshots their first Premier League win at Wembley. Spurs had looked on course for victory after Dele Alli put them ahead with a calm finish after Ben Mee fluffed a clearance from a corner. Moscow Chelski FC produced a dominant home performance to comfortably beat Everton for their second win of the Premier League season at Torpedo Stamford Bridge. Cesc Fabregas broke Everton's resistance by coolly clipping into the bottom corner from Alvaro Morata's instinctive knockdown, ending a smart move that began with a quick free-kick. Morata's thumping header doubled Moscow Chelski's lead before the break, the Spaniard gleefully finishing from Cesar Azpilicueta's perfect cross. And, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws produced a dazzling attacking display to destroy The Arse as Arsene Wenger's side were humiliated at Anfield. Wenger surprisingly chose to leave out summer signing Alexandre Lacazette, and the fifty two million knicker striker could only look on as every one of The Gunners' old, familiar failings were brutally exposed by Liverpool's pace, movement and desire. Roberto Firmino headed in Joe Gomez's cross to give The Reds a seventeenth-minute lead to start an attacking blitz that ended in a final scoreline that actually flattered The Arse. Sadio Mane, Mohamed Salah and Daniel Sturridge added subsequent goals against an Arse side that appeared to have little stomach for the fight.
In The Championship, Hull City ran riot with a four-nil victory over Notlob Wanderers. Adama Diomande opened the scoring for Hull. Six minutes later, Jarrod Bowen doubled their advantage and just before the half hour mark, Kamil Grosicki made it three-nil. With two minutes to play Bowen grabbed his second and Hull's fourth. At Ashton Gate, Bristol City settled for a point, against Aston Villains. It took an hour for the game to spring to life, Jamie Paterson scored to give the Robins the lead. However that lasted only four minutes, thanks to Stottingtot Hotshots' loanee Josh Onomah scoring a long-range effort, to equalise for The Villains. Barnsley piled more misery on Simon Grayson, as his Blunderland side lost three-nil at Oakwell. First-half goals from Ike Ugbo and Harvey Barnes put The Tykes two goals up then, with just over twenty minutes to play, George Moncur scored Barnsley's third to leave The Mackems in nineteenth place in The Championship. It was quite the afternoon for Millwall, as they beat Norwich City four-nil at The Den. Lee Gregory and George Saville put Millwall two up in the opening twenty minutes, Jed Wallace added their third minutes before half-time and Shaun Hutchinson made it four late on. Ipswich Town lost two-nil at Portman Road to Poor Bloody Fulham, thus ending The Tractor Boys' one hundred per cent start to the season. Neeskens Kebano put Fulham in-front on the thirty fifth minute. The London side scored a second six minutes after the restart, Rui Fonte netting for The Cottagers. Sheffield United recorded another home win, courtesy of a three-one victory over Derby County. Billy Sharp opened the scoring four minutes in. Johnny Russell added a second before half-time. Craig Bryson did plus one back for County, however Sharp scored his second, eight minutes into stoppage time. Cardiff City maintained their perfect start this afternoon, defeating Queens Park Strangers two-one in the Welsh capital. Matt Smith did give the visitors the lead on fifteenth minutes, however The Bluebirds soon hit back. Junior Hoilett equalised against his former employers moments later. Then, on the stroke of half-time Sol Bamba put Cardiff two-one in-front. In Saturday's evening kick-off, Dirty Leeds United continued their bright start with a two-nil win at Nottingham Forest. Kemar Roofe put Dirty Leeds in-front. With three minutes to play Ezgjan Alioski fired a second. Elsewhere The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters drew nil-nil with Preston Both Ends. In West-London, Brentford also played out a goalless draw against Wolverhampton Wanderings. Burton Albinos drew one-one with Sheffield Wednesday and Reading saw success on their travels with a two-nil against Hapless Harry's Birmingham City at St Andrew's.
Gianluigi Buffon thinks Serie A referees are overusing the video assistant referee system after Juventus conceded a penalty using the method for the second game in a row. The Italian top flight is one of the leagues trialling VAR this season. Juve beat Genoa four-two on Saturday with both sides having penalties awarded following video consultation. 'They are overusing it and making mistakes. I don't like it this way, it's not good,' Buffon said. 'It's something which, if used sparingly, could give us excellent results and be a good thing for football. In this way, we won't know the real value of a referee. If everyone was a little calmer and more objective, and accepted mistakes, we would accept results with more humanity. Another thing is that in football, it's not a penalty every time there is contact. You can't stop the game every three minutes - it makes it like water polo.' Juve also conceded a penalty to Cagliari on the opening day using VAR, although Buffon saved it in a three-nil win. Coach Massimiliano Allegri is also unimpressed. 'Matches become very long and we don't know when they're going to finish,' he said.
Former German international forward Lukas Podolski is reported to be considering legal action after a right-wing website printed a photo of him to illustrate an article about illegal immigration. An image of the footballer was used Breitbart in a article under the headline: Spanish Police Crack Gang Moving Migrants on Jet-Skis. The website has since amended the article and grovellingly apologised to Podolski. But the World Cup winner is reported to have asked his lawyer to look into the case. Breitbart updated the story with a new picture and said: 'A previous version of this story included an image of Lukas Podolski on a jet-ski. This image appeared as an illustration of a person on a jet-ski.' So, things we learned this week, number one: Sick right-wing scumbags don't jet-ski, seemingly. Of course, if it had been normal skiing, they would have had less problems finding a suitable image - see below. 'Breitbart London wishes to apologise to Mister Podolski,' the editor's note continued. 'There is no evidence Mister Podolski is either a migrant gang member, nor being human trafficked. We wish Mister Podolski well in his recently announced international retirement.' Podolski, who now plays for Japanese side Vissel Kobe, made his final international appearance for Germany in March against England, scoring the only goal in a one-nil victory. He left The Arse in January 2015 to join Inter Milan on loan, before then moving to Galatasaray in Turkey.
Female football fans were made to show their bras to stewards during security searches, a supporters' group has claimed. Grimsby Town fan group The Mariners Trust made the allegation in a letter to Stevenage FC after the two sides met last Saturday. It claimed that some fans wearing underwired bras were also asked by stewards at The Lamex Stadium if they could 'feel' them. Stevenage said that it was 'investigating the matter' before making any further comment when asked by the BBC whether such searches were standard procedure or were due to an increased security risk for that match. The checks, carried out by female stewards, but which the supporters' trust said were 'in full view of male stewards, fans and police,' have been described as 'a gross invasion of privacy.' The letter from the supporters' group alleges stewards asked some female fans 'if they could feel their bras.' Sounds like a line this blogger used in a bar once. True story. The group also said children as young as five were subjected to full body searches and supporters had items which were not listed as being banned confiscated from them, such as 'contact lens solution, cough sweets and medication.' The letter also alleged that a female steward was posted inside a male toilet, adding: 'The steward was asked to leave by Grimsby Town supporters, but she refused despite the fact several male stewards and police officers were stood outside.' The Mariners Trust described the treatment of supporters as 'amongst the worst our fans have experienced in decades of travelling across the world to watch football.' The letter concludes by calling on Stevenage to address the 'serious failings' as 'a matter of urgency to ensure no other visiting team's supporters are treated as animals in the way your club did on Saturday.'
