Stop The Season I Want To Get Off!

Captain Jamaal Lascelles scored his second goal in as many games as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies beat Dirty Stoke to record their third successive Premier League win and climb into the top four. Excellent. Now, can we just stop the season at this point please cos, that'll do this blogger. Just seconds earlier, the defender had been arguing with referee Stuart Atwell over his refusal to award a penalty - and that anger energised Lascelles to make sure he was first to the ball from the resumption. Christian Atsu put the hosts in front from a wonderful Matt Ritchie ball in the first half at a rockin' St James' Park, before Xherdan Shaqiri curled in an equaliser from long range. But Lascelles, who headed wide from a similar opportunity before the break, met another Ritchie delivery to win the game. While Lascelles will again hog the headlines for his heading prowess as United won three top-flight matches in a row for the first time since 2014, he will doubtless acknowledge Rob Elliot's contribution. The goalkeeper was powerless to prevent Shaqiri from levelling, but pulled off a superb one-handed stop from a Mame Biram Diouf header soon after. Magpies forward Joselu had several chances to put the game beyond his former side, but was wasteful and, when he did get the ball on target, found Potters goalkeeper Jack Butland in good form. At least Joselu put his heart into battling Stoke's defence. How Mark Hughes must have wished the same could be said of the much vaunted Jesé, who proved particularly disappointing. Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting and Diouf spurned decent opportunities but Hughes was not fooled. 'Our loose passing played into Newcastle's hands,' the Dirty Stoke manager said. 'We didn't play particularly well.' It was Stoke's first loss in the league since an opening-day defeat by Everton. This is the first time since 2000 that Newcastle have won three of their opening five Premier League games. Their stay in the top four will probably be brief, but after what appeared to be a summer of frustration, disharmony and missed transfer targets for the Spanish boss, he will be delighted by the performance of the squad at his disposal. The wonderful left foot of Ritchie laid on both goals for the hosts, with Atsu drifting in at the back post to poke home a well-weighted cross for the opener. Lascelles said after the game that Newcastle could have had 'three, four or five' goals, but it was his header that proved to be the winner from another teasing Ritchie delivery. The twenty eight-year-old former Bournemouth winger made three key passes as he and Ghana international Atsu drifted between the lines to cause Dirty Stoke problems, especially in the first half. Joselu, facing his former club for the first time since joining Newcastle in August, was one of those guilty of not putting more gloss on the scoreline, with only one of his five shots finding the target. Shaqiri's brilliance was a rare clinical moment for the visitors, who saw Diouf head wastefully wide when unmarked in stoppage time having earlier sliced off target from inside the area. Dirty Stoke have taken points off The Arse and The Scum in recent weeks, but Hughes called for his side to be more 'vigilant' after they were too easily prised open by Newcastle. Hughes opted for a back three, in which Kurt Zouma shone, as the Moscow Chelski FC loanee won one hundred per cent of his aerial duels and proved a starting point for Dirty Stoke to attack. But it was fellow defenders Bruno Martins Indi and Kevin Wimmer who struggled with Joselu's relentless running before the ex-Potters striker was replaced late on. Newcastle manager Rafa Benitez, who was back in the dugout after missing the win at Swansea last week following surgery, said 'Normally I am a little bit more agitated, but today I have to be careful, it will take some time to heal, but at least winning is always easier.'

Elsewhere, Sergio Aguero scored a hat-trick as Sheikh Yer Manc City stormed to the top of the Premier League with a six-nil rout of Watford at Vicarage Road. Aguero laid on a goal for Gabriel Jesus while Nicolas Otamendi and Raheem Sterling also scored in another stunning performance by Pep Guardiola's men. Victory means that City have now scored fifteen goals without reply in their last three games after big wins over Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws last week and Feyenoord in the Champions League in midweek. Watford had started the day hoping to reach the summit themselves but a quickfire double by Aguero either side of the half-hour mark soon erased that unlikely prospect. Jurgen Klopp's Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws endured more frustration, being held to a one-one draw by battling Burnley at Anfield. Scott Arfield put The Clarets ahead with their first shot on target and although Mohamed Salah quickly restored parity, Herr Klopp's men failed to turn their dominance into further goals. Philippe Coutinho, welcomed back to Anfield despite handing in a transfer request, was one of a number of home players who came close as they finished with thirty five shots but just nine on target. Roy Hodgson's first game as Crystal Palace Nil manager following the sacking for Frank De Boer, ended in a defeat to Southampton and lumbered The Eagles with another unwanted record. Steven Davis scored the only goal of the game after just six minutes when he tucked the ball home after Palace keeper Wayne Hennessey palmed a Dusan Tadic cross into his path. Their defeat means Palace have become the first top-flight team in history to lose each of their opening five league fixtures without scoring a goal. Huddersfield Town were forced to settle for a one-all draw at home to Leicester City after Elias Kachunga's second-half header was controversially ruled out for offside. Making his full Premier League debut, Laurent Depoitre had put The Terriers in front less than a minute into the second half but Jamie Vardy equalised for The Foxes four minutes later from the spot. Whinging David Wagner's men thought they had won it when Kachunga rifled home and video replays suggested the effort may have been wrongly disallowed. Gareth Barry made his record-equalling six hundred and thirty second Premier League appearance but that was the only redeeming feature of a truly dismal goalless draw between West Bromwich Albinos and West Hamsters United at The Hawthorns. Pedro Obiang hit the bar from long range while James Morrison should have scored for The Baggies in a game of little quality which will nonetheless have eased the pressure on Hamsters boss Slaven Bilic. Stottingtot Hotshots were frustrated by a disciplined Swansea as they lost ground on their title rivals. Spurs, who beat Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League at Wembley on Wednesday, are yet to win a Premier League game in their temporary home. The hosts enjoyed seventy five per cent possession in the goalless draw in Saturday's evening game and managed twenty six shots, compared to Swansea's four, with the visitors playing with three centre-backs for much of the game.

Aiden O'Brien scored the only goal as Millwall beat leaders Dirty Leeds one-nil to end the only remaining unbeaten record in The Championship. The Lions dominated the match and O'Brien gave them a deserved victory in the seventy third minute when he tucked home a loose ball in the penalty area. His goal ended a run of six straight clean sheets for Dirty Leeds, who finished with ten men after defender Pontus Jansson went off injured with all three substitutes on the pitch. Cardiff are level on points with Thomas Christiansen's side after Sol Bamba netted a ninety fifth-minute equaliser to snatch a draw against Sheffield Wednesday. The visitors had looked to be on course for a third straight win following Gary Hooper's opener just before the break but they were denied at the death. Wolverhampton Wanderings moved above The Bluebirds on goal difference courtesy of Diogo Jota's double in a two-one victory at Nottingham Forest. The Portuguese midfielder opened the scoring two minutes after half-time and then netted an eighty first-minute winner after the excellently named Mustapha Carayol had drawn Forest level. The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters twice came from behind to beat Queens Park Strangers three-two to move to within a point of the play-off places. David Wheeler and Jamie Mackie scored either side of Lewis Baker's effort to put the visitors in control but goals from Ashley Fletcher and Britt Assombalonga won it for The Smoggies. Yanic Wildschut scored the only goal as Norwich became the first side to leave Sheffield United with three points this season. David Meyler rescued a late point for Hull after James Vaughan had given Blunderland hope of a first win in six games, while Reading also snatched a one-one draw at Brentford as Liam Kelly's penalty cancelled out Josh Clarke's early opener. Fourth-placed Preston Both Ends scored three second-half goals as they came from behind to win three-one and pile more pressure on Birmingham boss Hapless Harry Redknapp. Maxime Colin scored before the break to put The Blues ahead but goals from Daniel Johnson, Jordan Hugill and Tom Barkhuizen inflicted a fifth straight defeat on Redknapp's side. And, within a couple of hours, Hapless Harry got the old tin-tack. Which, admittedly, was very funny. Bristol City banged in four goals after the interval to hammer Derby County four-one. Gary Rowett's side took the lead through Matej Vydra's first-half spot-kick only for goals from Cauley Woodrow, Bobby Reid, Jamie Paterson and Famara Diedhiou to give the in-form Robins all three points. Goals from Stephen Warnock and Lucas Akins earned Burton Albinos a two-one win over Fulham, who had equalised through Oliver Norwood, while Cole Skuse and David McGoldrick struck as Ipswich beat bottom side Notlob two-nil.

Shrewsbury pulled five points clear at the top of League One after a seventh win in eight games, this time winning two-one at Oldham Not Very Athletic. The in-form Stefan Payne slid in to open the scoring, though he injured himself in the process. Craig Davies equalised and then sent Eoin Doyle through to hit the post, but Jon Nolan's well-taken goal sealed the points for the leaders before Doyle was sent off in stoppage time. Second-placed Peterborough were controversially held to a one-all draw against Walsall and were joined on seventeen points by Bradford and Blackpool, who both won on Saturday. The Posh trailed to Erhun Oztumer's first-half goal and while they drew level through Gwion Edwards' mishit scissor-kick, then were left seething after a late Junior Morias goal was disallowed for offside. Blackpool were quickly into their stride against Oxford, Kyle Vassell opening the scoring from twenty five yards in the sixth minute and Callum Cooke also on target from long range ten minutes later. Despite James Henry's late consolation, Vassell scored again to make it three-one. Romain Vincelot headed the only goal midway through the first half for Bradford against a Rotherham team who had Joe Mattock sent off. Nick Powell scored but then went off injured before half-time in Wigan's three-nil win over Bristol Rovers. Powell curled home a free-kick after Ryan Sweeney was sent off and Will Grigg tucked away the second from Nathan Byrne's cross. Jamie Jones preserved the Latics' clean sheet with a penalty save from Ellis Harrison after Lee Evans handled Tom Nichols' free-kick, and Gavin Massey scored a late third with a solo effort. Portsmouth enjoyed a largely comfortable afternoon, beating Fleetwood four-one at Fratton Park. Brett Pitman book-ended the scoring, despite collecting a bloody nose as he nipped in ahead of defender Cian Bolger to head the opener. Jamal Lowe also scored twice. Devante Cole had briefly drawn Fleetwood level with the pick of the goals, a superb volley. MK Dons came out on top in a pulsating five-goal home encounter with Rochdale, helped by two goals form Gboly Ariyibi. The striker cancelled out Brad Inman's opener and then put the hosts ahead with a ferocious twenty five-yard strike. Matty Done equalised before half-time but Ryan Seager grabbed a late winner after being sent through by Ousseynou Cisse. Gillingham moved out of the relegation zone with their first win of the season, one-nil over Charlton as Tom Eaves turned in Max Ehmer's low cross. Southend scored twice in the first five minutes of the second half to draw two-two with Northampton. The Cobblers had led through Leon Barnett's effort, via a deflection off Nile Ranger and Matt Crooks' twenty-yard curler but Jason Demetriou's deflected effort and Anthony Wordsworth's deft finish levelled matters. Kwesi Appiah's solo goal was enough for AFC Wimbledon to win at Blackburn Vindaloos while Bury and Plymouth, both in the bottom three, drew nil-nil.

Good Medicine

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United earned a second successive Premier League win as captain Jamaal Lascelles proved their match-winner in both attack and defence at Swansea. A slow first half was enlivened by a flurry of late chances at both ends and a failed Newcastle appeal for a penalty after Mikel Merino appeared to trip over thin air as he passed Alfie Mawson. Lawdy, issa miracle. Tammy Abraham was a whisker away from giving Swansea the lead but, after he rounded Rob Elliot, his shot was superbly cleared off the line by Lascelles. The Newcastle centre-back then rose highest from a Matt Ritchie corner to score the game's only goal with a thumping header. A first away win in the Premier League since 2015 sees The Magpies climb to tenth in the table, while The Swans slip to fifteenth after losing their opening two home league games of the season for the first time since 1985. Newcastle were without manager Rafael Benitez on the touchline as the Spaniard recovered from surgery to deal with an infection from a hernia operation two years ago. He had overseen a first win of the season in the previous game before the international break - a handsome three-nil victory over West Hamsters United - but his side initially struggled to reproduce that form in his absence. The visitors, however, eventually settled down and Joselu's glancing header was brilliantly palmed away by Lukasz Fabianski. Newcastle grew in confidence in the second half and looked increasingly threatening in attack, with the breakthrough coming after seventy six minutes. There was further good news for Newcastle as assistant manager Francisco de Miguel Moreno told BBC Sport that Benitez would return to the club later this week. 'He wanted to attend [today] but the weather conditions were not the best,' said De Miguel Moreno. 'He has been active in the game and kept in touch with us throughout the game. After the game, Rafa rang us and congratulated all the team because they did a fantastic job. He said "we are now under way."' In Sunday's other Premier League game, Chris Wood scored on his full debut as Burnley beat Crystal Palace and increase the pressure on Eagles boss Frank de Boer.

Sheikh Yer Man City thrashed ten-man Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws five-nil in an eventful Premier League clash at The Etihad Stadium, where The Reds forward Sadio Mane was sent off in the first half. City went ahead in the lunchtime kick-off through Sergio Aguero before Mane clattered into goalkeeper Ederson with a high challenge at the edge of the penalty area. Referee Jon Moss brandished a straight red card to the forward, with Ederson subsequently taken off on a stretcher and replaced by Claudio Bravo. City made the most of their advantage, as Gabriel Jesus nodded in a second before the break. The Brazilian added third goal in the fifty third minute after being set up by Aguero, before substitute Leroy Sane added a fourth from close range and then curled a superb twenty-yard effort during stoppage time. The Arse eased the pressure on manager Arsene Wenger with a three-nil win at The Emirates Stadium over Bournemouth, who suffered a fourth straight Premier League defeat. Danny Welbeck bundled the Gunners ahead after six minutes, before a fine finish from club-record signing Alexandre Lacazette doubled the lead. Five minutes into the second half, Welbeck slotted a low shot into the far corner as The Arse bounced back from their four-nil drubbing at Liverpool before the international break, with Alexis Sanchez, who looked to be leaving ahead of the transfer deadline, coming on for the closing stages. Brighton & Hove Albinos secured their first win in the Premier League, beating West Bromwich Albinos three-one at a bouncing Amex Stadium. Pascal Groß hooked the ball in at the far post to put The Seagulls in front on the stroke of half-time for what was their first goal since being promoted. The German, signed from Ingolstadt in the summer, added a second on forty eight minutes, before turning provider for Tomer Hemed to head in a third just after the hour. James Morrison pulled a goal back for the Baggies with thirteen minutes left. Stottingtot Hotshots won three-nil at Everton, where Blues forward Wayne Rooney started having last week made headlines for the wrong reasons with his drink-driving charge. Harry Kane opened the scoring when he curled a looping shot from wide on the right over Jordan Pickford. Christian Eriksen added a second before half-time after Everton failed to clear their lines. Kane, who scored twice for England in the World Cup qualifying win over Malta, settled matters with a third goal for Spurs when scoring from close range early in the second half. Champions Moscow Chelski FC won two-one at Leicester, where summer signing Alvaro Morata again found the target. The sixty million smackers capture from Real Madrid broke the deadlock four minutes before half-time with a header, before former Foxes midfielder Ngolo Kante netted a long-range effort. Leicester reduced the deficit through a penalty from Jamie Vardy just after the hour, but Antonio Conte's men closed out a third straight league victory since losing on the opening day at home to Burnley. Watford won two-nil at Southampton to end The Saints' unbeaten start. Abdoulaye Doucoure put the visitors ahead with a low, twenty-yard strike and Dutch defender Daryl Janmaat curled in the second. Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting scored twice as Dirty Stoke ended The Scum's one hundred per cent start to the new Premier League season in Saturday's evening kick-off. Choupo-Moting put Dirty Stoke ahead, powerfully finishing a fine team move for his first goal for the club. That was the first goal The Scum had conceded in five hundred and thirty five minutes of league football, a run stretching back to last season, but Jose Mourinho's side equalised less than three minutes later. Paul Pogba headed towards goal from a corner and the ball was inadvertently directed into the net off the back of Marcus Rashford's head. Romelu Lukaku put The Scum in front shortly after the break but Choupo-Moting levelled in the sixty third minute, heading in Xherdan Shaqiri's corner at the back post.

On-loan Manchester United goalkeeper Sam Johnstone was the hero for Aston Villains as he starred in the goalless draw against Brentford. The Bees are still without a win in the Championship but were the better side throughout the match. The Villains - pre-season favourites for promotion - struggled to create clear-cut opportunities and had to rely on Johnstone to keep a clean sheet and earn a point. Struggling Notlob Wanderings fell to their fourth defeat of the season as a Britt Assombalonga double and a Marvin Johnson strike handed The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters all three points. The fifteen million smackers summer signing from Nottingham Forest opened the scoring before grabbing a second nineteen minutes from full-time. Johnson added a third in the seventy eighth minute to keep Notlob rock bottom of the Championship table. Garry Monk's Smoggies rise to sixth after sealing their third win of the season. Cardiff City's one hundred per cent record is over but Neil Warnock's side remain unbeaten as Danny Ward's header cancelled out Ryan Sessegnon's seventy fifth minute strike. Fulham's seventeen-year-old wonderkid managed to fire into the bottom right corner to give the home side the advantage. But Warnock's impressive Cardiff side rallied and grabbed the equaliser seven minutes from time. The Bluebirds remain top of the Championship table on sixteen points while Fulham have now drawn four of their six league games. Thomas Christiansen's Dirty Leeds United promptly demolished Burton Albinos with a substantial victory at Elland Road. New signing Pierre-Michel Lasogga grabbed two goals in each half to round off an impressive debut performance after joining on loan from Hamburg on deadline day. Kalvin Phillips, Pablo Hernandez and Kemar Roofe were also on the scoresheet as Dirty Leeds climb to second in the Championship table. Norwich bounced back from their poor early-season form as Nelson Oliveira's early finish was enough to beat visitors Birmingham. Timm Klose provided the assist for the Portugal striker to score from close range, in the fifth minute, and it is the perfect response for Daniel Farke's side after they were trounced four-nil by Millwall last time out. The win was Norwich's second of the season while Hapless Harry Redknapp's Birmingham - who added plenty of additions on deadline day - are yet to click into gear. It was honours even at Deepdale as Preston Both Ends and Barnsley shared the spoils. Sean Maguire put the home side ahead after twenty three minutes but Brad Potts, a summer addition for Barnsley from Blackpool, levelled the score three minutes later. Ipswich's impressive start to the season seems a distant memory after they fell to their second successive defeat. The Tractor Boys began the campaign with four straight victories but have hit a stumbling block as Queens Park Strangers ran out winners at Loftus Road. Jamie Mackie opened the scoring, just before half time for the home side, before Luke Freeman doubled the advantage shortly after the break. Ipswich raised some hope as on loan Sheikh Yer Man City midfielder Bersant Celina pulled a goal back late on but it wasn’t enough to gain a share of the spoils. Aden Flint's late goal secured all three points for Bristol City against Reading. With just six minutes remaining the defender fired past Vito Mannone. Clayton Donaldson enjoyed a delightful debut as the deadline day arrival scored twice to give Sheffield United victory. Jack Rodwell scored a stoppage time goal for Blunderland but it was too little too late for Simon Grayson's Mackem Filth. Donaldson opened the scoring in the twenty first minute, with a neat finish past goalkeeper Robbin Ruiter before doubling his tally in the second half. Diogo Jota's excellent strike gave Wolverhampton Eanderings victory over Millwall at Molineux. The on-loan Atletico Madrid midfielder has impressed so far for Nuno's side and his delightful one-two move with Leo Bonatini set him up to fire past Jordan Archer.

John Motson will call time on his BBC commentary career aged seventy two after the conclusion of the current football season. The broadcaster, popularly known as 'Motty', is in his fiftieth consecutive year with the corporation. He covered ten World Cups, ten European Championships, twenty nine FA Cup finals and more than two hundred England games. 'I've absolutely loved my time commentating for BBC Sport,' said Motson. 'I've been fortunate enough to witness some of the biggest moments in football history mere yards away from the action, so I've really been very lucky.' Motson, known for his trademark sheepskin coats and encyclopaedic knowledge of the game, wants to continue his links with the sport. 'I'm hoping to keep my association with football and with broadcasting - I'm not retiring from everything, I'm retiring from the BBC,' he said. He will commentate on eighteen games over the course of the Premier League season as part of a 'farewell tour' before a last appearance during the BBC's FA Cup final programme in May 2018. The announcement comes as Motson made his return to the Match Of The Day programme at Brighton & Hove Albinos versus West Bromwich Albinos on Saturday. Barbara Slater, BBC director of sport, said: 'John Motson is a real asset to the football world and he will be sorely missed. It isn't hard to see why he is so highly treasured, not just by the BBC but also by the nation, due to his instantly recognisable voice, wonderful sense of humour and his incredible dedication to the sport. As he moves on from commentating for BBC Sport, we wish him the best of luck for the future.' The son of a Methodist minister, Motty joined the BBC in 1968, following stints as a reporter on the Barnet Press and the Sheffield Morning Telegraph. After starting out as a sports reporter on Radio 2, he made his breakthrough on Match Of The Day during the infamous FA Cup replay between Hereford and yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, even then, unsellable) Newcastle in February 1972. Originally billed as a five-minute segment, Hereford's shock two-one win - thanks to Ronnie Radford's flukey thirty-yard toe-poke that Willie McFall should have saved - saw the match promoted to the main game. Despite rivalry with Barry Davies, from 1979 to 2008 Motson was the BBC's voice on most major finals such as the FA Cup, European Championships and World Cup. That run included his record-breaking sixth World Cup final in Berlin in 2006 and his twenty ninth FA Cup final in 2008. In 2001, he became an OBE for services to sports broadcasting. 'I thought about wearing my sheepskin, but I didn't think it was appropriate,' said Motson, standing resplendent in morning dress. Research by speech experts that year found Motson had the perfectly pitched voice for football commentary. The study said he had twice the range, spoke at double the speed and could be twice as loud or soft as the average person.

Caned

Spain struck a potentially decisive blow in the battle for top spot in their World Cup qualifying pool by sweeping aside Italy three-nil in Madrid on Saturday night. Two goals from Real Madrid's Isco, the first a glorious right-footed free kick into the top corner after thirteen minutes and the second a crisp left-footed shot from the edge of the area, set Spain on their way at the Bernabeu. A close-range finish from Moscow Chelski FC's striker Alvaro Morata completed a comprehensive win and lifted Spain three points clear of their opponents at the top of Group G. The two sides came into the match with identical records of five wins and one draw - the latter occurring in the reverse fixture last October - but Julen Lopetegui's men emerged as the overwhelming favourites to book an automatic spot at next summer's tournament in Russia. They have games against Liechtenstein, Albania and Israel to come. The Azzurri, who had not lost any qualifier since 2006, look comfortable in second spot, with a four-point lead over Albania following the latter's two-nil home win over Liechtenstein courtesy of second-half goals from Odise Roshi and Ansi Agolli. Liechtenstein have now lost all of their seven group matches, being outscored twenty six to one. Also in the same group, Israel slumped to a shock home defeat to Macedonia, Goran Pandev with the seventy third-minute winner in Haifa. Serbia moved two points clear of The Republic Of Ireland at the top of Group D thanks to a routine three-nil home victory over bottom side Moldova. Mijat Gacinovic opened the scoring in Belgrade in the twenty first minute, with Aleksandar Kolarov making it two eight minutes later. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle's Aleksandar Mitrovic wrapped up the win ten minutes from time as Serbia took full advantage of Eire dropping points in Georgia. Wales moved to within two points of second place in the group as seventeen-year-old substitute Ben Woodburn marked his debut with a brilliant winner four minutes after coming on against Austria. The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws striker arrowed a shot into the bottom corner from the edge of the area to earn the hosts a narrow win in Cardiff and all but end Austria's hopes of qualifying. Ukraine took advantage of some bizarre circumstances in Group I to leap from fourth place to first with a two-nil win at home to Turkey. Borussia Dortmund's new signing Andriy Yarmolenko struck twice in the first half in Kharkiv to put Ukraine in pole position in the tightest of the nine European qualification pools. They were,at that stage one point clear of Croatia, who have a game in hand after their match at home to Kosovo was abandoned after twenty seven minutes due to heavy rain which left the pitch in Zagreb waterlogged. However, the game was subsequently re-staged on Sunday with Croatia winning one-nil. Iceland are also one point off Ukraine, although their hopes of qualification were hit by a surprise loss in Finland. Alexander Ring's eighth-minute free-kick ended up being the deciding goal in Tampere, while Iceland finished the match with ten men following the dismissal of Rurik Gislason, who picked up two yellow cards in the space of three second-half minutes. The Turks are two points further back in fourth place. Josh Magennis saved Northern Ireland from potential embarrassment as his second-half brace earned Michael O'Neill's men a three-nil win against minnows San Marino. The striker netted twice in six minutes at the Olimpico Di Serravalle while Steven Davis added a late penalty to give the Irish a vital three points. Magennis opened the scoring after tapping home from close range after fine work from Davis, before doubling his tally again from a few yards out with a header from a Conor Washington chipped cross. Also in Group C, Germany left it late to beat the Czech Republic at the Eden Arena after Mats Hummels scored in the eighty eighth minute with an header. Vladimir Darida thought he earned the Czech's what would have been a deserved point after his seventy eighth minute strike, but it wasn't to be as the Confederations Cup champions rallied in the closing stages. As the Germans often do. Earlier, Timo Werner had got Joachim Löw's side off to the perfect start latching on to Mesut Özil's fine pass to give Germany a fourth-minute lead. Elsewhere in Group C, Norway beat Azerbaijan two-nil in Oslo with a first-half penalty from Bournemouth's forward Josh King and an own goal from Rashad Sadygov. Azerbaijan finished the match with ten men after midfielder Javid Huseynov was sent-off in the final minute for a second caution.

On Sunday, in Group A, Davy Propper scored twice as The Netherlands kept their slim hopes of qualifying for the finals alive with a win over Bulgaria. The Brighton & Hove Albinos midfielder opened the scoring with a neat finish before Arjen Robben made it two-nil from close range. Georgi Kostadinov glanced in a free-kick to give Bulgaria some hope but Propper's header sealed the Dutch win. Group leaders Sweden brushed aside Belarus with Emil Forsberg, Christoffer Nyman, Marcus Berg and Andreas Granqvist scoring in a comprehensive four-nil away win which may have helped to erase memories of their unexpected three-two defeat to Bulgaria in Sofia on Thursday. Luxembourg had its first win in the group on Thursday evening with a one-nil home win over Belarus at Stade Josy Barthel. Luxembourg scored on the hour when Daniel Da Mota connected onto a pass from Aurélin Joachim. The men from The Duchy then created a second - even more dramatic - surprise on Sunday evening by holding France to a goalless draw in Toulouse.

Cristiano Ronaldo scored a hat trick to move past Pelé on the list of all-time international goalscorers as Portugal beat The Faroe Islands five-one on Thursday to stay close to Switzerland at the top of Group B. Ronaldo netted with a neat volley from inside the area then added two further goals to lift his career tally to seventy eight and surpass Pelé, who scored seventy seven goals in ninety two internationals for Brazil. On the European list, Ronaldo remains six goals behind the Hungarian legend Ferenc Puskás. William Carvalho and Nelson Oliveira also scored for the defending European champions, who have won six straight matches since their opening loss to Switzerland. Switzerland themselves maintained their one hundred per cent record in qualifying, defeating Andorra three-nil in a match interrupted by poor pitch conditions under heavy rain in St Gallen. Haris Seferovic scored just before half-time and again after the break. Stephan Lichtsteiner added a third. Hungary kept pace with Switzerland and Portugal thanks to three-one win over Latvia. Tamas Kadar and Adam Szalai in the first half and Balazs Dzsudzsak added the third following the break after Gints Freimanis had scored for Latvia. In Sunday's two games, Portgual beat Hungary one-nil in Budapest thanks to a forty-eighth minute goal from Valente Silva from a Ronaldo cross and Gilli Rólantsson Sørensen scored the only goal as The Faroe Islands beat Andorra. In the former game, Hungary had Tamas Priskin sent off for an elbow on Pepe. Switzerland made it eight wins out of eight with a three-nil victory in Latvia.

In Group H, Belgium defeated Gibraltar nine-nil on Thursday in Liege, as the Red Devils equalled their all-time goalscoring record. The hosts were four goals up after twenty seven minutes. Dries Mertens opened the floodgates and strikes from Thomas Meunier, Romelu Lukaku and Axel Witsel started the onslaught. Witsel then saw a straight red for a horrific tackle on Jamie Bosio, but it didn't stop Belgium from overwhelming their part-time opponents. Lukaku and Eden Hazard added further strikes before half-time. Meunier scored twice after the interval to complete his hat-trick and Lukaku was presented his own treble from the penalty spot after Erin Barnett brought down Kevin De Bruyne. Meanwhile Mattias Kait scored an injury-time winner to give Estonia victory over Cyprus who had earlier staged a remarkable comeback, scoring three times in fifteen minutes to beat Bosnia & Herzegovina three-two on Thursday. Romelu Lukaku booked Belgium’s place in the finals after a dramatic finale severely dented Greece's own hopes of qualifying on Sunday. The Scum's seventy five million knicker summer signing deftly headed home on seventy four minutes in Athens after Gonçalves Rodrigues had cancelled out Belgium centre-back Jan Vertonghen's seventieth minute opener. Bosnia & Herzegovina leapfrogged Greece into second place in the group after a four-nil victory against Gibraltar in Faro.

In Group F, leaders England laboured to an eventual four-nil win over Malta. After a truly awful ponderous and lackadaisical first-half performance which, rightly, saw Gareth Southgate's men booed off the pitch by their own fans, Harry Kane finally broke the deadlock after fifty three minutes when he stroked home Dele Alli's pass. For a long-time the game seemed to be drifitng to a one-nil conclusion but Ryan Bertrand added a second with four minutes remaining and substitute Danny Welbeck lifted the ball over Malta's goalkeeper Andrew Hogg in stoppage time, with Kane providing further gloss in the dying seconds. Slovakia remain two points behind England ahead of their clash at Wembley on Monday night after a late goal from Adam Nemec secured a win over Slovenia in Trnava. Scotland kept their World Cup qualification hopes alive with a convincing three-nil win over Lithuania in Vilnius. Glasgow Celtic midfielder Stuart Armstrong headed in his first senior international goal after twenty five minutes and new Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws signing Andy Robertson curled in a second five minutes later. James McArthur made it three from close range to leave Gordon Strachan's side four points behind Slovakia, whom they host at Hampden Park next month.

In Group E, Denmark inflicted a first qualifying defeat on Poland with a stunning four-nil win in Copenhagen to move within three points of the group leaders. Thomas Delaney put the hosts ahead after sixteen minutes, with Andreas Cornelius doubling the lead just before half-time. Huddersfield defender Mathias Jorgensen came off the bench to make it three-nil on the hour, with Stottingtot Hotshots midfielder Christian Eriksen wrapping things up late on. Montenegro are also now on thirteen points, just above Denmark on goal difference and three behind Poland, after their three-nil win in Kazakhstan. Marko Vesovic put the visitors ahead after the half-hour. Fatos Bećiraj and Marko Simic were on target in the second half. Romania beat ten-man Armenia in Bucharest thanks to a last-minute goal form Alexandru Maxim. Armenia had defender Taron Voskanyan sent off for handball when conceding a penalty early in the second half, but Bogdan Stancu saw his spot-kick saved by Grigor Meliksetyan - only for Maxim to have the final word with a close-range finish.

Harry Kane has whinged about England's 'armchair critics' and told the stadium boo boys - who, let us remember pay his sodding wages - to 'remain patient' with the national team. England's travelling supporters booed and chanted 'we're fucking shit' during the victory over Malta. The performance also received much criticism from fans who watched the game on television. But, when asked about accusations that players do not have enough pride in the England shirt, Kane bleated: 'It takes a lot of commitment to reach the top ... start from a young age, dedication and you have to be a top professional to play for your country. Anyone who says that, I don't think they understand what it takes and it's probably why they're sitting at home watching and we're out there playing.' Ooh, get her. 'I am extremely proud to represent my country and I know the other players are,' Kane claimed. One or two people even believed him. Gareth Southgate said that the England players would 'have to get used' to fans showing their frustration and displeasure inside the stadium given that, you know, they've paid for the right to do so. Kane - who earns a reported one hundred grand a week - said that the England players 'accept' paying supporters will 'not be won over' merely by qualifying for the World Cup, following the disastrous Euro 2016 elimination to Iceland that Kane himself was a part of. 'Yes, that's understandable,' Kane weaselled when asked why, exactly, supporters who have watched a succession of below-par England performances should merely shut up and accept whatever they are given from a team of gutless, overpaid young men who could all do with a damned good dose of reality being shoved, hard, down their collective throat. 'At the end of the day, we've done well at this stage before but it's all about the tournament. That's nothing we can control for now, all we can try to do is qualify, try to play good football, try to learn and get better ... and then, what happens in a tournament, happens in a tournament.' Jeez, a once-in-a-generation brain, that one.

Luke Edwards passionate piece in the Torygraph on the bewildering chaos of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, tragically, unsellable) current transfer policy is well-worth a read, dear blog reader. A necessary remind to all football fans of that old truism if you're longing for the day when a multi-billionaire comes along and buys your club; be careful what you wish for, it might just come true.

A very naughty man has been extremely jailed for trying to rob the footballer Andy Carroll of his twenty two thousand smackers wristwatch as the striker drove home from West Hamsters United's training ground. Jack O'Brien claimed he was not the rider who targeted the twenty eight-year-old footballer as he waited at traffic lights in North-East London, on 2 November 2016. Carroll told Basildon Crown Court that he believed O'Brien had a gun when he stopped beside him on a motorbike. O'Brien, of Romford, was sentenced to six years in The Pokey for his wilful robbing ways. He was jailed for another five years and three months, to run concurrently, after admitting to a series of other robberies between October and November last year, in which cash and jewellery were taken. O'Brien was found by police hiding beneath a mattress in a property in Dagenham ten days after the attempt to rob Carroll. The footballer told jurors that he was scared when the motorcycle rider pulled up beside him, said 'nice watch' then demanded Carroll give it to him. Carroll did a U-turn, but was forced to drive on the wrong side of the road as he was pursued back to West Hamsters' training ground where there were security staff. In a nine-nine-nine call played in court he was heard telling responders: 'There's two motorbikes, one's behind me pulling out a gun, I don't know what to do.' He also said that he had 'probably just hit about ten cars' during his getaway, part of which was captured on video. In a victim impact statement Carroll said that he had 'feared for his life' and now travels to and from training with security guards. Police seized a motorcycle helmet, Ducati jacket and a Suzuki motorbike which, they believed, were used by O'Brien during the foiled attempted robbery. DNA matching the twenty two-year-old was found on the helmet and jacket, but O'Brien claimed that while he had used the equipment for other robberies, 'somebody else' was wearing them when Carroll was targeted. No firearm was found by police. The second motorbike rider has not been located. Detective Sergeant Brett Hagen said that CCTV footage of the pursuit 'shows the persistent and reckless lengths this man went to in order to try to steal a high-value watch. I would like to thank the victim who showed great courage and calmness throughout this terrifying robbery attempt,' he added.