Captain Jamaal Lascelles scored his second goal in as many games as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies beat Dirty Stoke to record their third successive Premier League win and climb into the top four. Excellent. Now, can we just stop the season at this point please cos, that'll do this blogger. Just seconds earlier, the defender had been arguing with referee Stuart Atwell over his refusal to award a penalty - and that anger energised Lascelles to make sure he was first to the ball from the resumption. Christian Atsu put the hosts in front from a wonderful Matt Ritchie ball in the first half at a rockin' St James' Park, before Xherdan Shaqiri curled in an equaliser from long range. But Lascelles, who headed wide from a similar opportunity before the break, met another Ritchie delivery to win the game. While Lascelles will again hog the headlines for his heading prowess as United won three top-flight matches in a row for the first time since 2014, he will doubtless acknowledge Rob Elliot's contribution. The goalkeeper was powerless to prevent Shaqiri from levelling, but pulled off a superb one-handed stop from a Mame Biram Diouf header soon after. 
Magpies forward Joselu had several chances to put the game beyond his former side, but was wasteful and, when he did get the ball on target, found Potters goalkeeper Jack Butland in good form. At least Joselu put his heart into battling Stoke's defence. How Mark Hughes must have wished the same could be said of the much vaunted Jesé, who proved particularly disappointing. Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting and Diouf spurned decent opportunities but Hughes was not fooled. 'Our loose passing played into Newcastle's hands,' the Dirty Stoke manager said. 'We didn't play particularly well.' It was Stoke's first loss in the league since an opening-day defeat by Everton. This is the first time since 2000 that Newcastle have won three of their opening five Premier League games. Their stay in the top four will probably be brief, but after what appeared to be a summer of frustration, disharmony and missed transfer targets for the Spanish boss, he will be delighted by the performance of the squad at his disposal. The wonderful left foot of Ritchie laid on both goals for the hosts, with Atsu drifting in at the back post to poke home a well-weighted cross for the opener. Lascelles said after the game that Newcastle could have had 'three, four or five' goals, but it was his header that proved to be the winner from another teasing Ritchie delivery. The twenty eight-year-old former Bournemouth winger made three key passes as he and Ghana international Atsu drifted between the lines to cause Dirty Stoke problems, especially in the first half. Joselu, facing his former club for the first time since joining Newcastle in August, was one of those guilty of not putting more gloss on the scoreline, with only one of his five shots finding the target. Shaqiri's brilliance was a rare clinical moment for the visitors, who saw Diouf head wastefully wide when unmarked in stoppage time having earlier sliced off target from inside the area. Dirty Stoke have taken points off The Arse and The Scum in recent weeks, but Hughes called for his side to be more 'vigilant' after they were too easily prised open by Newcastle. Hughes opted for a back three, in which Kurt Zouma shone, as the Moscow Chelski FC loanee won one hundred per cent of his aerial duels and proved a starting point for Dirty Stoke to attack. But it was fellow defenders Bruno Martins Indi and Kevin Wimmer who struggled with Joselu's relentless running before the ex-Potters striker was replaced late on. Newcastle manager Rafa Benitez, who was back in the dugout after missing the win at Swansea last week following surgery, said 'Normally I am a little bit more agitated, but today I have to be careful, it will take some time to heal, but at least winning is always easier.'
Elsewhere, Sergio Aguero scored a hat-trick as Sheikh Yer Manc City stormed to the top of the Premier League with a six-nil rout of Watford at Vicarage Road. Aguero laid on a goal for Gabriel Jesus while Nicolas Otamendi and Raheem Sterling also scored in another stunning performance by Pep Guardiola's men. Victory means that City have now scored fifteen goals without reply in their last three games after big wins over Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws last week and Feyenoord in the Champions League in midweek. Watford had started the day hoping to reach the summit themselves but a quickfire double by Aguero either side of the half-hour mark soon erased that unlikely prospect. Jurgen Klopp's Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws endured more frustration, being held to a one-one draw by battling Burnley at Anfield. Scott Arfield put The Clarets ahead with their first shot on target and although Mohamed Salah quickly restored parity, Herr Klopp's men failed to turn their dominance into further goals. Philippe Coutinho, welcomed back to Anfield despite handing in a transfer request, was one of a number of home players who came close as they finished with thirty five shots but just nine on target. Roy Hodgson's first game as Crystal Palace Nil manager following the sacking for Frank De Boer, ended in a defeat to Southampton and lumbered The Eagles with another unwanted record. Steven Davis scored the only goal of the game after just six minutes when he tucked the ball home after Palace keeper Wayne Hennessey palmed a Dusan Tadic cross into his path. Their defeat means Palace have become the first top-flight team in history to lose each of their opening five league fixtures without scoring a goal. Huddersfield Town were forced to settle for a one-all draw at home to Leicester City after Elias Kachunga's second-half header was controversially ruled out for offside. Making his full Premier League debut, Laurent Depoitre had put The Terriers in front less than a minute into the second half but Jamie Vardy equalised for The Foxes four minutes later from the spot. Whinging David Wagner's men thought they had won it when Kachunga rifled home and video replays suggested the effort may have been wrongly disallowed. Gareth Barry made his record-equalling six hundred and thirty second Premier League appearance but that was the only redeeming feature of a truly dismal goalless draw between West Bromwich Albinos and West Hamsters United at The Hawthorns. Pedro Obiang hit the bar from long range while James Morrison should have scored for The Baggies in a game of little quality which will nonetheless have eased the pressure on Hamsters boss Slaven Bilic. Stottingtot Hotshots were frustrated by a disciplined Swansea as they lost ground on their title rivals. Spurs, who beat Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League at Wembley on Wednesday, are yet to win a Premier League game in their temporary home. The hosts enjoyed seventy five per cent possession in the goalless draw in Saturday's evening game and managed twenty six shots, compared to Swansea's four, with the visitors playing with three centre-backs for much of the game.
Aiden O'Brien scored the only goal as Millwall beat leaders Dirty Leeds one-nil to end the only remaining unbeaten record in The Championship. The Lions dominated the match and O'Brien gave them a deserved victory in the seventy third minute when he tucked home a loose ball in the penalty area. His goal ended a run of six straight clean sheets for Dirty Leeds, who finished with ten men after defender Pontus Jansson went off injured with all three substitutes on the pitch. Cardiff are level on points with Thomas Christiansen's side after Sol Bamba netted a ninety fifth-minute equaliser to snatch a draw against Sheffield Wednesday. The visitors had looked to be on course for a third straight win following Gary Hooper's opener just before the break but they were denied at the death. Wolverhampton Wanderings moved above The Bluebirds on goal difference courtesy of Diogo Jota's double in a two-one victory at Nottingham Forest. The Portuguese midfielder opened the scoring two minutes after half-time and then netted an eighty first-minute winner after the excellently named Mustapha Carayol had drawn Forest level. The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters twice came from behind to beat Queens Park Strangers three-two to move to within a point of the play-off places. David Wheeler and Jamie Mackie scored either side of Lewis Baker's effort to put the visitors in control but goals from Ashley Fletcher and Britt Assombalonga won it for The Smoggies. 
Yanic Wildschut scored the only goal as Norwich became the first side to leave Sheffield United with three points this season. David Meyler rescued a late point for Hull after James Vaughan had given Blunderland hope of a first win in six games, while Reading also snatched a one-one draw at Brentford as Liam Kelly's penalty cancelled out Josh Clarke's early opener. Fourth-placed Preston Both Ends scored three second-half goals as they came from behind to win three-one and pile more pressure on Birmingham boss Hapless Harry Redknapp. Maxime Colin scored before the break to put The Blues ahead but goals from Daniel Johnson, Jordan Hugill and Tom Barkhuizen inflicted a fifth straight defeat on Redknapp's side. And, within a couple of hours, Hapless Harry got the old tin-tack. Which, admittedly, was very funny. Bristol City banged in four goals after the interval to hammer Derby County four-one. Gary Rowett's side took the lead through Matej Vydra's first-half spot-kick only for goals from Cauley Woodrow, Bobby Reid, Jamie Paterson and Famara Diedhiou to give the in-form Robins all three points. Goals from Stephen Warnock and Lucas Akins earned Burton Albinos a two-one win over Fulham, who had equalised through Oliver Norwood, while Cole Skuse and David McGoldrick struck as Ipswich beat bottom side Notlob two-nil.
Shrewsbury pulled five points clear at the top of League One after a seventh win in eight games, this time winning two-one at Oldham Not Very Athletic. The in-form Stefan Payne slid in to open the scoring, though he injured himself in the process. Craig Davies equalised and then sent Eoin Doyle through to hit the post, but Jon Nolan's well-taken goal sealed the points for the leaders before Doyle was sent off in stoppage time. Second-placed Peterborough were controversially held to a one-all draw against Walsall and were joined on seventeen points by Bradford and Blackpool, who both won on Saturday. The Posh trailed to Erhun Oztumer's first-half goal and while they drew level through Gwion Edwards' mishit scissor-kick, then were left seething after a late Junior Morias goal was disallowed for offside. Blackpool were quickly into their stride against Oxford, Kyle Vassell opening the scoring from twenty five yards in the sixth minute and Callum Cooke also on target from long range ten minutes later. Despite James Henry's late consolation, Vassell scored again to make it three-one. Romain Vincelot headed the only goal midway through the first half for Bradford against a Rotherham team who had Joe Mattock sent off. Nick Powell scored but then went off injured before half-time in Wigan's three-nil win over Bristol Rovers. Powell curled home a free-kick after Ryan Sweeney was sent off and Will Grigg tucked away the second from Nathan Byrne's cross. Jamie Jones preserved the Latics' clean sheet with a penalty save from Ellis Harrison after Lee Evans handled Tom Nichols' free-kick, and Gavin Massey scored a late third with a solo effort. Portsmouth enjoyed a largely comfortable afternoon, beating Fleetwood four-one at Fratton Park. Brett Pitman book-ended the scoring, despite collecting a bloody nose as he nipped in ahead of defender Cian Bolger to head the opener. Jamal Lowe also scored twice. Devante Cole had briefly drawn Fleetwood level with the pick of the goals, a superb volley. MK Dons came out on top in a pulsating five-goal home encounter with Rochdale, helped by two goals form Gboly Ariyibi. The striker cancelled out Brad Inman's opener and then put the hosts ahead with a ferocious twenty five-yard strike. Matty Done equalised before half-time but Ryan Seager grabbed a late winner after being sent through by Ousseynou Cisse. Gillingham moved out of the relegation zone with their first win of the season, one-nil over Charlton as Tom Eaves turned in Max Ehmer's low cross. Southend scored twice in the first five minutes of the second half to draw two-two with Northampton. The Cobblers had led through Leon Barnett's effort, via a deflection off Nile Ranger and Matt Crooks' twenty-yard curler but Jason Demetriou's deflected effort and Anthony Wordsworth's deft finish levelled matters. Kwesi Appiah's solo goal was enough for AFC Wimbledon to win at Blackburn Vindaloos while Bury and Plymouth, both in the bottom three, drew nil-nil.
Magpies forward Joselu had several chances to put the game beyond his former side, but was wasteful and, when he did get the ball on target, found Potters goalkeeper Jack Butland in good form. At least Joselu put his heart into battling Stoke's defence. How Mark Hughes must have wished the same could be said of the much vaunted Jesé, who proved particularly disappointing. Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting and Diouf spurned decent opportunities but Hughes was not fooled. 'Our loose passing played into Newcastle's hands,' the Dirty Stoke manager said. 'We didn't play particularly well.' It was Stoke's first loss in the league since an opening-day defeat by Everton. This is the first time since 2000 that Newcastle have won three of their opening five Premier League games. Their stay in the top four will probably be brief, but after what appeared to be a summer of frustration, disharmony and missed transfer targets for the Spanish boss, he will be delighted by the performance of the squad at his disposal. The wonderful left foot of Ritchie laid on both goals for the hosts, with Atsu drifting in at the back post to poke home a well-weighted cross for the opener. Lascelles said after the game that Newcastle could have had 'three, four or five' goals, but it was his header that proved to be the winner from another teasing Ritchie delivery. The twenty eight-year-old former Bournemouth winger made three key passes as he and Ghana international Atsu drifted between the lines to cause Dirty Stoke problems, especially in the first half. Joselu, facing his former club for the first time since joining Newcastle in August, was one of those guilty of not putting more gloss on the scoreline, with only one of his five shots finding the target. Shaqiri's brilliance was a rare clinical moment for the visitors, who saw Diouf head wastefully wide when unmarked in stoppage time having earlier sliced off target from inside the area. Dirty Stoke have taken points off The Arse and The Scum in recent weeks, but Hughes called for his side to be more 'vigilant' after they were too easily prised open by Newcastle. Hughes opted for a back three, in which Kurt Zouma shone, as the Moscow Chelski FC loanee won one hundred per cent of his aerial duels and proved a starting point for Dirty Stoke to attack. But it was fellow defenders Bruno Martins Indi and Kevin Wimmer who struggled with Joselu's relentless running before the ex-Potters striker was replaced late on. Newcastle manager Rafa Benitez, who was back in the dugout after missing the win at Swansea last week following surgery, said 'Normally I am a little bit more agitated, but today I have to be careful, it will take some time to heal, but at least winning is always easier.' 
Yanic Wildschut scored the only goal as Norwich became the first side to leave Sheffield United with three points this season. David Meyler rescued a late point for Hull after James Vaughan had given Blunderland hope of a first win in six games, while Reading also snatched a one-one draw at Brentford as Liam Kelly's penalty cancelled out Josh Clarke's early opener. Fourth-placed Preston Both Ends scored three second-half goals as they came from behind to win three-one and pile more pressure on Birmingham boss Hapless Harry Redknapp. Maxime Colin scored before the break to put The Blues ahead but goals from Daniel Johnson, Jordan Hugill and Tom Barkhuizen inflicted a fifth straight defeat on Redknapp's side. And, within a couple of hours, Hapless Harry got the old tin-tack. Which, admittedly, was very funny. Bristol City banged in four goals after the interval to hammer Derby County four-one. Gary Rowett's side took the lead through Matej Vydra's first-half spot-kick only for goals from Cauley Woodrow, Bobby Reid, Jamie Paterson and Famara Diedhiou to give the in-form Robins all three points. Goals from Stephen Warnock and Lucas Akins earned Burton Albinos a two-one win over Fulham, who had equalised through Oliver Norwood, while Cole Skuse and David McGoldrick struck as Ipswich beat bottom side Notlob two-nil.
