Substitute Mikel Merino scored a late winner as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable ... for the moment, anyway) Newcastle beat Crystal Palace Nil to keep Roy Hodgson's side firmly rooted to the bottom of the Premier League. The Eagles had scored their first goals and got their first points of the campaign with a win against champions Moscow Chelski FC last week and looked more likely to take the three points for periods at St James' Park. 
But Merino headed in five minutes from time in a game that did not see a shot on target until the final twenty minutes. Yohan Cabaye's naughty late scissor tackle on DeAndre Yedlin was an early flash point, but the Palace midfielder escaped with a yellow card against his former club. Newcastle owner Mike Ashley put the club up for sale this week and several potential suitors are reported to be interested in a takeover, but while there is some uncertainty surrounding The Magpies off the pitch, on it the club have now made their best start to a Premier League season since 2011. Ashley said that he hopes to conclude a deal by Christmas - music to the ears of boss Rafa Benitez, who felt he did not get the backing he needed in the transfer market this summer following promotion from The Championship and has been quick to talk up the club's potential. The Spaniard's side have made a promising start to their first year back in the top flight, but they looked short of ideas in attack for large parts of the game against Crystal Palace Nil and Benitez will no doubt be asking for reinforcements in January. The former Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws manager brought midfielder Merino on ten minutes into the second half and it was the Spanish Under-Twenty One international who provided The Magpies' spark. He rose highest in the box to meet Matt Ritchie's corner and head into the roof of the net, earning the hosts their fourth Premier League win of the season.
Sheikh Yer Man City moved five points clear at the top of the Premier League as second-placed The Scum's unbeaten run surprisingly ended at Huddersfield Town. City's quality eventually shone through in a three-nil home win against Burnley as Sergio Aguero equalled the club's all-time scoring record. The Argentine tucked in a first-half penalty to equal Eric Brook's tally of one hundred and seventy seven before City, who had previously been free-scoring at Etihad Stadium, wore down the visitors and added further goals though Nicolas Otamendi and Leroy Sane. Neighbours The Scum had only conceded twice in their opening eight league matches, but Jose Mourinho's side lost their defensive solidity against newly-promoted Huddersfield. Aaron Mooy and Laurent Depoitre took advantage of first-half errors as The Terriers beat The Scum for the first time since 1952, despite Marcus Rashford's strike setting up a nervy finish. In the lunchtime kick-off, Moscow Chelski FC came from behind in a thrilling four-two win against Watford. Aiming to avoid a third league defeat, Antonio Conte's side trailed two-one before two goals from substitute Michy Batshuayi and another from Cesar Azpilicueta lifted The Blues above Watford into fourth. Leicester's players might have been 'raw' after the sacking of manager Craig Shakespeare earlier in the week, but they showed few ill-effects as caretaker manager Michael Appleton began with a two-one win at Swansea. 
Federico Fernandez's own goal and a strike from Shinji Okazaki lifted the 2016 champions to thirteenth, despite Swans defender Alfie Mawson pulling a goal back with more than half an hour to play. Dirty Stoke dropped into the relegation zone as they paid the price for a slow start against Bournemouth. Andrew Surman and Junior Stanislas put the visitors in control inside the opening eighteen minutes and, despite Mame Biram Diouf narrowing the gap, the second-bottom Cherries held on to win and move to within one point of safety. In the evening kick-off, Sofiane Boufal scored a sensational solo goal to give Southampton a victory over West Bromwich Albinos, their first home win since August. The Baggies remain without a league win since the second day of the season. Meanwhile, West Hamsters United manager Slaven Bilic says that he is 'not worried' but is 'realistic' about his future after The Hamsters lost three-nil to Brighton & Hove Albinos at the London Stadium on Friday evening. The home fans booed throughout the game and thousands left the ground early following Brighton's third goal, which sealed the visitors' first away win of the season. West Hamsters slipped to seventeenth in the table. Brighton took the lead after ten minutes when the unmarked Glenn Murray headed in Pascal Gross' free-kick. Moments before the break Jose Izquierdo curled past Wankhands Joe Hart from distance, despite the England goalkeeper getting a hand to the ball. Murray added his second from the penalty spot in the seventy fifth minute after he was fouled by Pablo Zabaleta. Although they dominated possession, West Hamsters had only two shots on target, long-range efforts from Pedro Obiang and Manuel Lanzini. Chris Hughton's Albinos climbed to tenth in the table.
In Sunday's two games, soon-to-get-the-tin-tack Ronald Koeman said that he can turn Everton's fortunes around after they slipped into the relegation zone with a five-two defeat by The Arse at Goodison Park. Everton were embarrassed in front of their own fans and have now not won in five games in all competitions. 'The team is underperforming. It is in a difficult situation mentally,' the Dutchman said. And, a Harry Kane double inspired Stottingtot Hotshots as they punished a poor defensive performance by Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws at Wembley. Kane scored the opener after four minutes as Kieran Trippier's chipped pass went over Dejan Lovren's head and the England striker took the ball around Simon Mignolet, who had rushed from his goal, to score. Eight minutes later Spurs doubled their lead as Hugo Lloris' long throw was not dealt with by Lovren, who missed a header on the halfway line and Kane was able to square to Son Heung-min to slot home. Liverpool got a goal back as Jordan Henderson's cross-field pass found Mohamed Salah, who outpaced the Spurs defence and finished off the inside of the post with a scuffed shot. Liverpool boss Herr Klopp responded by taking off Lovren for Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain after thirty minutes, but Dele Alli added a third for Spurs just before half-time as he lashed in a volley from eighteen yards. Kane got his second in the fifty sixth minute as he followed up a rebound from Jan Vertonghen's shot after Mignolet failed to clear a free-kick.
Leo Bonatini scored twice as title favourites Wolverhampton Wanderings survived a late scare to beat Preston Both Ends three-two at Molineux and remain top of The Championship. The hosts looked set to cruise to a second successive win after Bonatini built on Ivan Cavaleiro's first-half opener with a penalty on the hour and his second from close-range five minutes later. But the visitors reduced the deficit within a minute through Jordan Hugill, before a Conor Coady own goal twelve minutes from time led to a frantic finale in which Preston's Alan Browne was sent off. Cardiff stayed second after a late Joe Ralls penalty proved enough to give Neil Warnock's men a hard-fought win at The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters. Sheffield United stayed level on points with The Bluebirds after a two-one win over struggling Reading at Bramall Lane. Paul Coutts marked his return from injury by firing The Blades in front and Billy Sharp's fifth goal of the season made it two-nil before half-time. Roy Beerens reduced the deficit for Reading six minutes from time. Dirty Leeds bounced back from three successive losses in style and ended Bristol City's run of twelve games unbeaten with an emphatic three-nil win at Ashton Gate.
Samuel Saiz struck twice in the first fourteen minutes to get the visitors off to a flying start and a Pierre-Michel Lasogga header completed an impressive performance. Both sides were reduced to ten men late on when a clash between Gaetano Berardi and Matty Taylor resulted in both players receiving straight red cards. At the bottom there was more woe for Blunderland who blew a two-goal lead to draw three-three at Brentford and extend their winless run to eleven games. The Mackem Filth responded well to Nico Yannaris' early opener for the hosts, with Lewis Grabban equalising and a Daniel Bentley own goal putting Simon Grayson's men apparently in control. When Grabban hit his second from the penalty spot on the stroke of half-time it looked like The Black Cats' fortunes were finally turning - but late goals from Florian Jozefzoon and Neal Maupay earned The Bees a point. Which, to be fair, was funny. Bottom club Notlob were denied a second straight win as Idrissa Sylla's seventy eighth minute strike salvaged a draw for Queens Park Strangers at the Macron Stadium. The hosts, fresh from last week's morale-boosting win over Sheffield Wednesday, had led through Darren Pratley's header. Derby capitalised on the fourth minute sending-off of Sheffield Wednesday's Glenn Loovens to cruise to a two-nil win at Pride Park. John Terry scored his first goal for Aston Villains in a two-one home win over Poor Bloody Fulham. Stefan Johansen equalised Terry's header before half-time, but Albert Adomah won the game with a goal early in the second half. Fraizer Campbell's seventy eighth-minute effort gave Hull a win at Barnsley. That victory ended a twenty four-game wait for an away win. Goals from Barry McKay and Eric Lichaj saw Nottingham Forest beat Burton Albinos at the City Ground. Millwall condemned Steve Cotterill to his first defeat as Birmingham boss with a two-nil win in the late kick-off at The New Den. Blues defender Maxime Colin turned a Steve Morison cross into his own net two minutes into the second half and Ryan Tunnicliffe sealed the Lions' win fifteen minutes from time.
The Brazilian football club Íbis Sport hadn't won a match for two years. But now, the self-styled 'worst team in the world,' which plays in the lowest division of the Pernambuco state championship, has achieved three consecutive victories – and can make it a record-breaking four if they can beat Centro Limoeirense this weekend according to the Gruniad. But, far from welcoming this sudden reversal of fortune some fans claim the club's 'roots and identity' are at stake. Following the latest one-nil victory against Ferroviário do Cabo, fans stormed a local bar where the players were enjoying a post-match barbecue and beers to demand 'please stop winning.' 
'This is destroying our history,' said one protest leader, Nilsinho Filho. Other fans went on to social media to complain, or call for resignations. 'This is a worrying situation in the long term. To stop being an icon and to be just another winning team. It's the coach’s fault,' read one typical tweet. From a moron. Between 1980 and 1984, the team went three years and eleven months without winning a game' and entered the Guinness Book Of Records as 'the worst football club in the world.' The club's Maradona-permed former midfielder Mauro Shampoo, boasts that he scored just one goal in ten years and has also criticised the recent victories. 'If we keep winning, we are going to lose our brand,' he said. The club's president, Ozir Junior, however insisted that the club's ambition is to get to the first division of the state championship. He attributed the string of sudden victories to several new players who had joined the team after recently becoming unemployed. 'We are not the worst team in the world – that was a thing of the 1980s. We are not even the worst team in Pernambuco,' he said. 'The first division is our dream, but it's going to be a lot of work.'
But Merino headed in five minutes from time in a game that did not see a shot on target until the final twenty minutes. Yohan Cabaye's naughty late scissor tackle on DeAndre Yedlin was an early flash point, but the Palace midfielder escaped with a yellow card against his former club. Newcastle owner Mike Ashley put the club up for sale this week and several potential suitors are reported to be interested in a takeover, but while there is some uncertainty surrounding The Magpies off the pitch, on it the club have now made their best start to a Premier League season since 2011. Ashley said that he hopes to conclude a deal by Christmas - music to the ears of boss Rafa Benitez, who felt he did not get the backing he needed in the transfer market this summer following promotion from The Championship and has been quick to talk up the club's potential. The Spaniard's side have made a promising start to their first year back in the top flight, but they looked short of ideas in attack for large parts of the game against Crystal Palace Nil and Benitez will no doubt be asking for reinforcements in January. The former Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws manager brought midfielder Merino on ten minutes into the second half and it was the Spanish Under-Twenty One international who provided The Magpies' spark. He rose highest in the box to meet Matt Ritchie's corner and head into the roof of the net, earning the hosts their fourth Premier League win of the season. 
Federico Fernandez's own goal and a strike from Shinji Okazaki lifted the 2016 champions to thirteenth, despite Swans defender Alfie Mawson pulling a goal back with more than half an hour to play. Dirty Stoke dropped into the relegation zone as they paid the price for a slow start against Bournemouth. Andrew Surman and Junior Stanislas put the visitors in control inside the opening eighteen minutes and, despite Mame Biram Diouf narrowing the gap, the second-bottom Cherries held on to win and move to within one point of safety. In the evening kick-off, Sofiane Boufal scored a sensational solo goal to give Southampton a victory over West Bromwich Albinos, their first home win since August. The Baggies remain without a league win since the second day of the season. Meanwhile, West Hamsters United manager Slaven Bilic says that he is 'not worried' but is 'realistic' about his future after The Hamsters lost three-nil to Brighton & Hove Albinos at the London Stadium on Friday evening. The home fans booed throughout the game and thousands left the ground early following Brighton's third goal, which sealed the visitors' first away win of the season. West Hamsters slipped to seventeenth in the table. Brighton took the lead after ten minutes when the unmarked Glenn Murray headed in Pascal Gross' free-kick. Moments before the break Jose Izquierdo curled past Wankhands Joe Hart from distance, despite the England goalkeeper getting a hand to the ball. Murray added his second from the penalty spot in the seventy fifth minute after he was fouled by Pablo Zabaleta. Although they dominated possession, West Hamsters had only two shots on target, long-range efforts from Pedro Obiang and Manuel Lanzini. Chris Hughton's Albinos climbed to tenth in the table. 
Leo Bonatini scored twice as title favourites Wolverhampton Wanderings survived a late scare to beat Preston Both Ends three-two at Molineux and remain top of The Championship. The hosts looked set to cruise to a second successive win after Bonatini built on Ivan Cavaleiro's first-half opener with a penalty on the hour and his second from close-range five minutes later. But the visitors reduced the deficit within a minute through Jordan Hugill, before a Conor Coady own goal twelve minutes from time led to a frantic finale in which Preston's Alan Browne was sent off. Cardiff stayed second after a late Joe Ralls penalty proved enough to give Neil Warnock's men a hard-fought win at The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters. Sheffield United stayed level on points with The Bluebirds after a two-one win over struggling Reading at Bramall Lane. Paul Coutts marked his return from injury by firing The Blades in front and Billy Sharp's fifth goal of the season made it two-nil before half-time. Roy Beerens reduced the deficit for Reading six minutes from time. Dirty Leeds bounced back from three successive losses in style and ended Bristol City's run of twelve games unbeaten with an emphatic three-nil win at Ashton Gate.
Samuel Saiz struck twice in the first fourteen minutes to get the visitors off to a flying start and a Pierre-Michel Lasogga header completed an impressive performance. Both sides were reduced to ten men late on when a clash between Gaetano Berardi and Matty Taylor resulted in both players receiving straight red cards. At the bottom there was more woe for Blunderland who blew a two-goal lead to draw three-three at Brentford and extend their winless run to eleven games. The Mackem Filth responded well to Nico Yannaris' early opener for the hosts, with Lewis Grabban equalising and a Daniel Bentley own goal putting Simon Grayson's men apparently in control. When Grabban hit his second from the penalty spot on the stroke of half-time it looked like The Black Cats' fortunes were finally turning - but late goals from Florian Jozefzoon and Neal Maupay earned The Bees a point. Which, to be fair, was funny. Bottom club Notlob were denied a second straight win as Idrissa Sylla's seventy eighth minute strike salvaged a draw for Queens Park Strangers at the Macron Stadium. The hosts, fresh from last week's morale-boosting win over Sheffield Wednesday, had led through Darren Pratley's header. Derby capitalised on the fourth minute sending-off of Sheffield Wednesday's Glenn Loovens to cruise to a two-nil win at Pride Park. John Terry scored his first goal for Aston Villains in a two-one home win over Poor Bloody Fulham. Stefan Johansen equalised Terry's header before half-time, but Albert Adomah won the game with a goal early in the second half. Fraizer Campbell's seventy eighth-minute effort gave Hull a win at Barnsley. That victory ended a twenty four-game wait for an away win. Goals from Barry McKay and Eric Lichaj saw Nottingham Forest beat Burton Albinos at the City Ground. Millwall condemned Steve Cotterill to his first defeat as Birmingham boss with a two-nil win in the late kick-off at The New Den. Blues defender Maxime Colin turned a Steve Morison cross into his own net two minutes into the second half and Ryan Tunnicliffe sealed the Lions' win fifteen minutes from time.
'This is destroying our history,' said one protest leader, Nilsinho Filho. Other fans went on to social media to complain, or call for resignations. 'This is a worrying situation in the long term. To stop being an icon and to be just another winning team. It's the coach’s fault,' read one typical tweet. From a moron. Between 1980 and 1984, the team went three years and eleven months without winning a game' and entered the Guinness Book Of Records as 'the worst football club in the world.' The club's Maradona-permed former midfielder Mauro Shampoo, boasts that he scored just one goal in ten years and has also criticised the recent victories. 'If we keep winning, we are going to lose our brand,' he said. The club's president, Ozir Junior, however insisted that the club's ambition is to get to the first division of the state championship. He attributed the string of sudden victories to several new players who had joined the team after recently becoming unemployed. 'We are not the worst team in the world – that was a thing of the 1980s. We are not even the worst team in Pernambuco,' he said. 'The first division is our dream, but it's going to be a lot of work.'
