The top four Premier League teams will, as usual, qualify for the Champions League group stages. Shekih Yer Man City, The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC are already assured of top-four places. However, even if Liverpool win this season's Champions League final (they play Real Madrid on 28 May), there will be no extra place for English clubs. The title race is, as it has been since August, between City and The Pool, who are separated by but one point going into the final games on Sunday. The fourth Champions League place is between Stottingtot Hotshots and The Arse. Realistically, however, because of Spurs' vastly superior goal difference, they will finish in the top four unless they lose their final game (at Norwich) and Arsenal win theirs (at home to Everton). Liverpool's victories in both the FA Cup and theee Carabao Cup mean that the European places from those competitions automatically revert to the league. The fifth and sixth-placed Premier League teams will qualify for the Europa League group stage, while the seventh-placed team will earn a - much-coveted - place in the Europa Conference League play-off round. Sixth and seventh places is between The Scum and West Hamsters United and will be decided on the last day of the season (The Scum are at Crystal Palace, The Hamsters visit Brighton & Hove Albinos). Norwich's relegation was confirmed on 30 April when they lost to the Aston Villains, while Watford joined them on 7 May after their defeat at Crystal Palace. The final relegation place is between Burnley and Dirty Leeds following Everton's come-from-behind victory over Crystal Palace on Thursday.
Dear blog readers will, however, excuse this blogger if he fails to mention one of the best stories of the Premier League season, the unexpected (but, very welcome) turnaround in fortunes of his beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Newcastle United. On 20 November, twelve days after Eddie Howe was appointed to replace that odious stinker Steve Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him nasty) as manager, a draw with Brentford - coupled with Norwich beating Southampton - saw The Magpies sink to the foot of the table, winless after a dozen games and, seemingly, heading straight for the Championship. Fast forward a little over five months, a much-needed transfer window and eleven wins from eighteen games since January and Howe and his team now sit in twelfth place, the threat of relegation having long-since been banished. Sceptics - and, several of the odious Mister Bruice's big-mouthed fiends in the media - questioned whether Howe was the right appointment at St James' Park due to his attacking style of play. However, the dramatic u-turn in Th' Toon's form has silenced the doubters and made Howe a genuine hero to The Magpies' fanbase. So, many congratulations are due to 'the fellah from Bournemouth who got a team relegated' (according to his odious predecessor in the St James' Park dug-out). There are actual smiles on faces at Gallowgate these days, something notably absent during the majority of Mike Ashley's reign of misery.
Fulham clinched promotion back to the Premier League on 19 April with a three-nil win over Preston Both Ends and won the Championship title with a game to spare on 2 May, beating Luton seven-nil. Runners-up Bournemouth made sure of the second automatic promotion place on 3 May when defeating Nottingham Forest. In the play-off final at Wembley on 29 May, Huddersfield Town (who beat Luton in their semi-final) will face Nottingham Forest (who edged past Sheffield United on penalties amid a geet rive-on with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts). The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters missed out on the play-offs, thrashed at Preston on the final day of the season. Blackburn Rovers, Millwall and West Bromwich Albinos (the latter now managed by That Nasty Mister Brucie fellow) also failed to make the play-offs. Cash-strapped Derby County's relegation to League One was confirmed on 18 April after a defeat at Queens Park Strangers (the scowl on Wayne Rooney's boat-race could be seen from space, dear blog reader), whilst Barnsley joined them four days later after a two-nil loss at Huddersfield. Peterborough United became the third relegated club, losing at home to Nottingham Forest on 23 April. Reading, Birmingham City and Hull City all avoided the drop.
Wigan Not Very Athletic clinched promotion to the Championship and won the League One title when they beat Shrewsbury three-nil on the final day of the season. Rotherham United made sure of the second automatic promotion place, winning three-nil at Gillingham. In the play-off final on 21 May, Wycombe Wanderers (who beat Milton Keynes Dons in their semi-final) will face Sunderland after The Mackem Filth overcame Sheffield Wednesday. Plymouth Argyle, Oxford United, Notlob Wanderers and Ipswich Town were amongst those who were in contention for a play-off place for much of the season but, ultimately, missed out. Crewe Alexandra were the first EFL club to be relegated on 9 April when they lost two-nil to fellow strugglers Doncaster Rovers. Relegation was not confirmed for the other three clubs until the last day of the season as Doncaster drew at Oxford, AFC Wimbledon lost four-three to Accrington Stanley (who are they?) and Gillingham lost three-nil to Rotherham. Fleetwood Town avoided relegation due to their superior goal difference whilst Morecambe & Wise FC finished two points clear of the drop zone.
Forest Green Hippy Rovers - and their, much-sung-about, meat-free pies - booked their place in League One with a goalless draw at Bristol Rovers on 23 April, while Exeter City were promoted three days later after beating Barrow two-one at the other St James' Park. Forest Green made sure of the title, drawing two-two at Mansfield on the final day, when Joey Barton's Bristol Rovers dramatically clinched the third automatic promotion place with a sensational seven-nil victory over already relegated Scunthorpe. In the play-off semi-finals, Mansfield Town beat Northampton Town, while Port Vale defeated Swindon Town on penalties. Sutton United, Tranmere Rovers, Salford FC and Newport County were among those who threatened to challenge for the play-offs but fell short. The bottom two teams were relegated to the National League; Scunthorpe United on 15 April when they lost three-nil at Leyton Orient while Oldham Not Very Athletic (a Premier League club as recently as 1994) joined them after losing two-one to Salford on 23 April in a game which was completed behind closed doors after initially being abandoned following a pitch invasion by furious Latics fans. Barrow, Stevenage, Carlisle United, Harrogate Town, Rochdale and Hartlepool all limped to safety, largely due to the on-pitch ineptitude of the two relegated clubs.
National League Champions Stockport County were promoted to League Two after beating Halifax two-nil. In the first round of the play-offs, Notts County play Grimsby Town on 23 May while FC Halifax entertain Chesterfield the following day. The winner of Notts County or Grimsby will then visit Wrexham in the semi-finals on 28 May, while Halifax or Chesterfield will be away to Solihull Moors - with the semi-final winners meeting on 5 June for a place in League Two. The bottom three teams were relegated to the National League North or South. Dover Athletic, deducted twelve points for failing to complete their 2020-21 fixtures, were the first club from England's five major leagues to be relegated after a two-nil defeat by Yeovil Town on 19 March. They were joined by Weymouth on 26 April when they lost six-one to Wrexham and King's Lynn Town on 30 April after a three-all draw with Eastleigh. The champions and play-off winners of the North and South divisions will all be promoted to the National League, restoring it to twenty four clubs. Maidstone United clinched the Southern title on 30 April, with Gateshead making sure of the North title on 2 May. G'yiddip Th' Heed! Both of the play-off finals are on 21 May. York City host Boston United at the LNER Community Stadium whilst Dorking Wanderers and Ebbsfleet United compete for the Southern promotion slot.
Scottish Premier League champions Glasgow Celtic clinched the title on 11 May, drawing at Dundee United and will enter the Champions League at the group stage (following the ban of Russian clubs from UEFA's 2022-23 competitions). Runners-up Glasgow Rangers will enter the Champions League at the third qualifying round. They would have gone straight into the group stages if they had won the Europa League final this week but, they lost on penalties to Eintracht Frankfurt. Because both Rangers and third-placed Hearts have reached the Scottish Cup final, Hearts will enter the Europa League at the play-off round. Fourth-placed Dundee United gained a place in the Europa Conference League third qualifying round and fifth-placed Motherwell will enter the same competition at the second qualifying round. Bottom placed Dundee's relegation to the Scottish Championship was confirmed on 11 May after St Johnstone beat Aberdeen. Having finished eleventh, St Johnstone face Championship side Inverness Caledonian Thistle in a two-legged play-off on 20 and 23 May.
Kilmarnock were promoted to the Premiership after beating nearest Championship rivals Arbroath on 22 April. In the play-off final, Inverness Caledonian Thistle will meet St Johnstone for the final place in next season's Premiership. Bottom club Queen of the South were relegated to League One on 23 April. Ninth-placed Dunfermline Athletic were relegated on 7 May after losing their play-off semi-final to League One side Queen's Park. Cove Rangers were promoted to the Championship as League One champions on 23 April after beating Dumbarton, while Queen's Park earned the second promotion place, defeating Airdrieonians in the play-off final. East Fife were relegated to League Two on 16 April after losing three-one to Falkirk. Ninth-placed Dumbarton were relegated on 7 May after losing their play-off semi-final to League Two side Edinburgh City. League Two champions Kelty Hearts clinched automatic promotion with a win over Stenhousemuir on 26 March, while Edinburgh City were promoted on 13 May after overcoming Annan Athletic in the play-off final. Cowdenbeath were relegated to the Lowland League on 14 May after losing a play-off to Lowland champions Bonnyrigg Rose Athletic, who will replace them in League Two in 2022-23.
There will, as usual, be dancing in the streets of The New Saints. The Oswestry club won the Cymru Premier League for the fourteenth time by a record twenty one points and, in doing so, qualified for the Champions League. They then completed the double, winning the Welsh Cup final against Penybont. Linfield won the Northern Ireland Premiership, ahead of Cliftonville and Glentoran. Crusaders, Larne and Coleraine also qualified for the Europa Conference League play-offs.
A double from the Argentina striker Lautaro Martínez earned Internazionale a three-one win at Cagliari, a victory which ensured the Serie A title race will go to the final weekend. With the leaders, AC Milan, having beaten Atalanta two-nil at the San Siro earlier on Sunday, Inter had to win in Sardinia to keep the title race alive, going in front through Matteo Darmian. Martínez added a second after the break and Inter appeared on course for a comfortable ninth win in ten matches, before Charalampos Lykogiannis brought Cagliari back into the game. Inter suffered some nervous moments before Martinez's second secured the game. Victory meant that Inter remained two points behind their Milan rivals. The champions must beat Sampdoria on Sunday and hope AC lose at Sassuolo, if they are to retain the Scudetto. Elsewhere in Serie A, Napoli made sure they will finish third, ahead of Juventus, after a three-nil win over Genoa. In La Liga, where Real Madrid had already been crowned champions some weeks ago, a late header from Youssef En-Nesyri earned Sevilla a draw at Atlético Madrid, securing Champions League qualification despite extending their winless run to four games. With one match remaining, the result left Sevilla fourth on sixty seven points, three ahead of Real Betis, but with a better head-to-head record against their local rivals. The Copa Del Rey winners, who had already secured a Europa League spot, won two-nil at home against Granada. Barcelona were held to a goalless draw at Getafe, but still wrapped up second place ahead of Atlético to secure a spot in the lucrative Spanish Super Cup. Real Sociedad secured a spot in the Europa League after recovering from going a goal down to win two-one at Villarreal. They are sixth on sixty two points, six ahead of Unai Emery's Villarreal who could failed to qualify for European competitions entirely, after reaching the Champions League semi-finals earlier this season. They are only one point ahead of eighth-placed Athletic Bilbao, who won two-nil against Osasuna. Villarreal play Barcelona next Sunday while Sevilla play Bilbao, who are still fighting for seventh place and a spot in the Europa Conference League. Alavés were relegated following a three-one defeat by Levante, while a Rúben Sobrino strike earned Cádiz a reprieve as they kept alive their slim hopes of avoiding the drop with a home draw against Real Madrid. The four-times Bundesliga champions Werder Bremen won promotion to the top division after a one-year absence with a two-nil victory over Jahn Regensburg that sealed second spot in the second division. Fußballclub Gelsenkirchen-Schalke 04 had already secured the 2 Bundesliga championship and promotion back to the top flight a year after they were relegated. Hamburger SV came from a goal down to beat Hansa Rostock three-two and finish third ahead of Darmstadt on goal difference. This sets up a play-off with Hertha Berlin in Hamburg's attempt to return to the top flight after four years. Hertha, who finished sixteenth in the Bundesliga, are managed by the former Hamburg great Felix Magath. Fußball-Club Bayern München, Borussia Dortmund, Bayer Leverkusen and RB Leipzig secured the top-four spots and places in the Champions League. Union Berlin and SC Freiburg earned Europa League finishes whilst Köln grabbed a Europa Conference League place ahead of Mainz, Hoffenheim and Borussia Mönchengladbach.
Paris Saint Germain had already won Lique Une long before their four-nil victory over Montpellier and are currently fifteen points clear of second placed Monaco before the final round of matches. Third placed Marseille and Rennes sit in the other Champions League places although Strasbourg and Nice both have a mathematical chance of finishing fourth. Lens, Lyon, Nantes and Lille complete the top ten. Metz, Brodeaux and one of the cult sides of the 1970s, Saint-Étienne, were relegated. Ajax were crowned Dutch champions with an emphatic five-nil victory over Heerenveen at the Johan Cruijff Arena, giving Scumchester United-bound coach Ten Hag the perfect send-off. The Amsterdam club, who have now extended their record number of domestic league titles to thirty six, finished four points clear of second-placed PSV Eindhoven. Ten Hag ended his four-and-a-half-year stay at the club with a third Eredivisie title. Feyenoord, FC Twente, AZ Alkmaar, SBV Vitesse Arnhem, FC Utrecht and SC Heerenveen also secured qualification for European competitions whilst Heracles Almelo, Willem II and PEC Zwolle were relegated. Go Ahead Eagles, to the relief of the legion of non-Dutch fans, finished thirteenth. In the Portuguese Primeira as expected, The Big Three - FC Porto, Sporting Lisbon and Benfica - occupied the top three places. Others who will be competing in next season's Champions League include Club Brugge and Union Saint-Gilloise (Belgium), RB Salzburg and Sturm Graz (Austria), Shakhtar Donetsk and Dynamo Kyiv (Ukraine - assuming the Russians haven't bombed them to oblivion by then), Trabzonspor (Turkey), FC København and Midtjylland (Denamrk) and Apollon Limassol (Cyprus). And, Qarabağ (Azerbaijan), Malmö FF (Sweden), Ludogorets Razgrad (Bulgaria), Sheriff Tiraspol (Moldova), CFR Cluj (Romania), Bodø/Glimt (Norway), Ferencváros (Hungary), Slovan Bratislava (Slovakia), HJK (Finland), Inter Club d'Escaldes (Andorra), Žalgiris (Lithuania), Lincoln Red Imps (Gilbraltar), Shamrock Rovers (Eire), Zrinjski (Bosnia & Herzegovina), Sutjeska Nikšić (Montenegro), Shakhtyor Soligorsk (Belarus), KÍ Klaksvík (Faroe Islands), Lech Poznań (Poland), F91 Dudelange (Luxembourg), Hibernians (Malta), FC Tobol (Kazakhstan), Shkupi (North Macedonia), RFS (Latvia), Dinamo Batumi (Georgia), Tirana (Albania), Ballkani (Kosovo), FCI Levadia (Estonia), Víkingur Reykjavík (Iceland), Dinamo Zagreb (Croatia), Olympiacos (Greece), Viktoria Plzeň (Czech Republic), Maccabi Haifa (Israel) and Fussballclub Zürich (Switzerland), plus the - as yet undecided - winners of the domestic leagues in Serbia, San Marino, Slovenia and Armenia. But, definitely not Zenit St Petersburg. They're extremely banned from the competition. Due, mainly, to the criminally-deranged activities of their nasty President (and, his very small penis). Liechtenstein is the only UEFA member nation not to have their own league and hence do not have a spot in the Champions League. Liechtensteinian club sides play in the Swiss regional leagues, with FC Vaduz currently playing in the second highest Swiss division (The Challenge League).
