Shurely Shome Mishtake?

This blogger genuinely can't remember the last time that his beloved (though still, tragically, unsellable) Magpies scored seven goals in a week, dear blog reader. It certainly wasn't any time recently. Nevertheless, Newcastle lifted themselves out of the relegation zone and leapfrogged Cardiff City as they secured a much-needed win over Neil Warnock's side. Fabian Schär proved the difference as his first two goals for Th' Toon lifted some of the gloom around St James' Park where Rafael Benitez's team have lost eight times in the league this season. The Swiss international centre back was only in the side to replace Ciaran Clark, injured in Wednesday's hard-fought extra-time four-two victory in the cup at Blackburn Vindaloos, but Schär took full advantage midway through the first when he was allowed to run from the right touchline before curling left-footed into the bottom corner. As fine a goal as it was, the Cardiff defending was non-existent. Schär's second was more straightforward as he found himself in the right spot to bundle in Matt Ritchie's corner. Ayoze Perez added some gloss in injury time from Salomon Rondon's low cross as Newcastle scored three goals for the first time in the league this season. Victory ended a five-game winless run in the league for the Magpies and lifted them two points clear of their opponents, who only have Fulham and Huddersfield beneath them. Benitez targeted this game against one of their relegation rivals as a 'crucial' one and his team appeared to rise to the occasion with stellar performances all over the pitch. Schär's goals were as well taken as they were unexpected, but there were fine displays from the likes of academy graduate Sean Longstaff in midfield and Rondon, who was a true workhorse in attack. The Magpies also added a threat down the flanks that Cardiff struggled to deal with as Ritchie and Christian Atsu combined down the left, with DeAndre Yedlin offering a constant outlet on the right. Schär's opener also came from that flank as he operated on the right side of a back three and was willing to break forward before calmly slotting past Neil Etheridge. The home fans knew they were witnessing something special in the context of this season when Schär added his second - only the second time The Magpies have scored two home goals in a game this season. The players, too, seemed to be lifted as they found an extra yard of pace and defended superbly as Cardiff finally stirred. And, when Perez added a third - his fourth of the season - late on, it gave them hope that despite ongoing issues around the ownership of the club, they might yet see Premier League football again next season. Stranger things have happened, dear blog reader. Though, with games against Sheikh Yer ma City, Stottingtot Hotshots and Wolverhampton Wanderings to come in the next month, the chances of United ending February out of the relegation zone are not good.

Eleven Championship clubs have reportedly written to the English Football League asking 'for a more thorough inquiry' into the Dirty Leeds 'spygate' revelations. Head coach Marcelo Bielsa admitted that he sent a member of his staff to 'spy' on a Derby County training session the day before the two clubs played each other. Bielsa then held a press conference to present the analysis that he claims he gathers on all of Dirty Leeds' opponents. The EFL is already investigating Bielsa after Derby filed a geet stroppy whinge about the affair. BBC Sport's Mark Clemmit claimed on Twitter that eleven clubs have written to the EFL since Bielsa's PowerPoint presentation to journalists on Wednesday. Which, if true, presumably means that the other twelve Championship sides don't, actually, have a problem with it. In a statement, the EFL confirmed that it has 'received a communication' on behalf of 'a number' of clubs 'in regard to the current matter.' The statement continued: 'The request attributed to eleven Championship clubs will be considered as part of the current investigation that has commenced.' After the spying allegations first emerged, Bielsa freely admitted in a television interview before kick-off against Derby on 11 January that he was responsible for the member of staff found 'acting suspiciously' outside the Rams' training ground. Dirty Leeds later won the match at Elland Road two-nil. Bristol City's owner Steve Lansdown called on Friday for a points deduction for Leeds to be 'seriously considered.' Dirty Stoke boss Nathan Jones, however, said that analysing other teams was 'not revolutionary,' and added: 'I would invite him down to watch our training sessions if he wanted to come down here.' Dirty Leeds subsequently formally apologised to Derby for their naughty spying ways and Bielsa was 'reminded of the integrity and honesty' of Dirty Leeds. Which is almost certainly the first time in history that the words 'integrity', 'honesty' and 'Leeds' have been used in the same sentence.

Moscow Chelski FC manager Maurizio Sarri claimed that his players are 'extremely difficult to motivate' as he heavily criticised their performance in defeat at The Arse. The Blues lost two-nil in the Premier League at Emirates Stadium on Saturday and only had one shot on target during the game. Moscow Chelski FC have only won two of their past five Premier League matches and are now just three points clear of The Gunners in fifth and sixth-placed The Scum. 'I'm really angry about the approach that we adopted today,' Sarri said. 'It's an approach we can't really accept.' In a remarkable news conference after the defeat, Sarri claimed that he wanted to speak in his native Italian rather than English 'because I want to send a message to my players and I want my message to be very clear. I have to say, I'm extremely angry. Very angry indeed,' said the sixty-year-old, who succeeded compatriot Antonio Conte at Torpedo Stamford Bridge in the summer. 'This defeat was due to our mentality, more than anything else. This is something I can't accept. This group of players are extremely difficult to motivate.' Sarri's starting line-up against The Arse included seven players who won the Premier League under Conte in 2017, before going on to finish fifth the season after. The Italian said: 'This is not a team that is going to be well known for its battling qualities but we need to become a team that is capable of adapting, possibly suffering for ten or fifteen minutes then playing our own football. You can find yourself in difficulties from time to time, but we need to react to those difficulties a lot better than we did today.'

Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' boss Herr Klopp is well-known for his often brilliant responses to questions, whether they are measured, witty or plain daft. But he has never had to deal with the type of question aimed at fellow German Imke Wubbenhorst, who made history in December by becoming the first woman to manage in Germany's fifth tier when she took over at BV Cloppenburg. She told Welt how one journalist had asked her whether she had warned players to put their pants on when she entered the dressing room. 'Of course not, I'm a professional,' she responded, sarcastically. 'I pick my players based on their penis size.' Wubbenhorst, who is former German youth international, is not the first female coach to face condescending or sexist questions from journalistic scumbags. When former Sweden women's team manager Pia Sundhage was asked in 2014 whether a woman was able to coach a men's team, she replied: 'Well Angela Merkel runs a whole country.' Sundhage had already won two Olympic golds as manager of the United States. Fortunately, Cloppenburg's owners appear to be somewhat more forward thinking. 'It was an easy decision to let go of gender in the evaluation process,' said board member Herbert Schroder. 'We only looked at quality.' Wubbenhorst had been in charge of Cloppenburg's women's team but the club decided she would be better-placed helping the relegation-threatened men's side after they sacked their previous manager. The team are still bottom of the league, but hopefully questions will be posed about players abilities rather than the contents of their pants as she tries to drag her team up the table.

The lawyer of Kathryn Mayorga, who has accused Cristiano Ronaldo of raping her in 2009, will travel to London to meet a woman who claims to be the Juventus forward's ex-girlfriend. Leslie Stovall says that he has spoken to British model and reality TV-type individual Jasmine Lennard, who claims she dated Ronaldo ten years ago and has offered to 'assist' Mayorga's case against the Portugal captain. Ronaldo denies American Mayorga's claims and his legal team say he has 'no recollection' of ever meeting Lennard either. Lennard appeared on Z-List Celebrity Big Brother and earlier in January the thirty three-year-old targeted Ronaldo with several social media posts but has since deleted her Twitter account. A statement from Ronaldo's layers said: 'Mister Ronaldo has no specific recollection of meeting Ms Lennard ten years ago or at any point. He has not had a relationship with her and he has not had any contact with her, whether in the last eighteen months as Ms Lennard suggests, or otherwise. The voice notes posted by Ms Lennard on social media are not of Mister Ronaldo. Mister Ronaldo will take appropriate legal action in due course.' The rape allegation against the former Real Madrid and The Scum striker relates to an alleged incident which allegedly took place in a Las Vegas hotel. Police in the American city have since issued a warrant for a DNA sample from Ronaldo as part of their investigation, but his lawyer told BBC Sport it this was 'a very standard request.' Peter Christiansen said: "Mister Ronaldo has always maintained, as he does today, that what occurred in Las Vegas in 2009 was consensual in nature, so it is not surprising that DNA would be present, nor that the police would make this very standard request as part of their investigation.' Larissa Drohobyczer, who is part of Mayorga's legal team, said: 'I can confirm that Leslie Mark Stovall has spoken to Ms Lennard regarding Cristiano Ronaldo. Mister Stovall's travel to London, England will be based upon his discussions with London lawyer Jonathan Coad and his client Jasmine Lennard.'

The BBC's former television news chief has whingingly criticised the corporation after it chose to continue showing an FA Cup match on BBC1 rather than covering the soon-to-be-former prime minister's Brexit address to the nation. Theresa May's Downing Street speech on Wednesday night was upstaged by the match at Southampton, as television viewers chose the conclusion of an FA Cup third-round replay rather than tune in for the soon-to-be-former prime minister's latest update on the UK's political future. About 3.3 million overnight viewers were watching BBC1's live coverage of Southampton versus Derby at 10pm as both sides pushed for a winner, with the soon-to-be-former prime minister attracting but 2.5 million for live coverage of her address on BBC2. Roger Mosey, a former head of BBC television news - emphasis on the word 'former' - whinged: 'No matter the bad luck of extra time in the football, the BBC News should have been on BBC1 tonight at 10pm. The issues facing the country are more important than a third-round FA Cup replay.' One or two people even agreed with him. In a sign of tension, Mosey's tweet on the subject was 'favourited' by Huw Edwards, the soon-to-be-former News At Ten anchor, who was forced to stand in the cold outside parliament for an extra half-hour to ensure viewers could watch the match go to penalties. Although, to be fair, he was getting paid for it and - if the last BBC set of salaries were accurate, getting paid bloody well. May had scheduled her Downing Street speech to hit the top of the 10pm news bulletins, a slot coveted by politicians due to its substantial audience. Except on this occasion where more people preferred the action at the St Mary's Stadium. However, Downing Street aides were, according to some Middle Class hippy Communist scum of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star, 'left frustrated' when Derby's Martyn Waghorn equalised to push the match into extra-time and then penalties, meaning it would not finish before the scheduled news broadcast and the soon=to-be-former prime minister's speech. In which she said nothing of any consequence. As usual. BBC1 controllers decided to stick with the game until its conclusion rather than switch the sports coverage to BBC2. As a result, the main News At Ten bulletin was postponed until 10.35pm, with Edwards instead introducing a rapidly scheduled special programme on BBC2, which covered May's call for all parties to 'put aside self-interest' and take part in Brexit discussions. Viewing figures suggest only about six hundred thousand punters switched over from the football to the news coverage. A BBC spokesperson defended the decision to stick with the football: 'When the match went to extra-time and penalties, we provided a live news special on BBC2 and pointed viewers to this with on-air and in-vision signage. We also made clear that the news would begin straight after the match's conclusion.' The broadcast was also covered live by Sky News, the BBC News Channel and ITV News. The latter ended up almost doubling its normal audience to 3.3 million, giving the commercial channel a rare main bulletin overnight ratings victory over its BBC rival.

Rich Kids, Poor Dads

League One Gillingham produced the biggest shock in Saturday's FA Cup Third Round as they beat Premier League Cardiff City, whilst Championship Bristol City knocked out the top flight's bottom club, Huddersfield Town. Holders Moscow Chelski FC, thirteen-time winners The Arse and The Scum were amongst the sides to make it through to Monday's Fourth Round draw. Two Championship teams - East Anglian rivals at that - suffered defeats at the hands of opponents from lower divisions, with Norwich beaten one-nil at home by Andre Green's late goal for Portsmouth and Accrington Stanley overcoming Ipswich Town through Billy Kee's strike. Elliott List was the hero with an eighty first-minute winner as Gillingham, nineteenth in the third tier, beat the 2008 finalists Cardiff, currently seventeen in the Premier League table. Huddersfield were knocked out by Josh Brownhill's seventy second-minute winner as Bristol City, who reached the semi-finals of the League Cup last season, also made it through. Alvaro Morata scored twice as Moscow Chelski FC beat Championship side Nottingham Forest 2-0. Cesc Fàbregas, who is reported to be joining Monaco in the January transfer window, missed a first-half penalty. There was no upset at Bloomfield Road, where The Arse overcame League One Blackpool three-nil, with two goals scored from nineteen-year-old Joe Willock and another by Alex Iwobi. The attendance of a fraction under nine thousand - including over five thousand Gunners fans - was well below capacity as home supporters reportedly stayed away in protest against Tangerines owner, Owen Oyston. A penalty by Juan Mata - awarded after consulting the video assistant referee - and Romelu Lukaku's third goal in as many games proved enough for The Scum as they beat Reading two-nil at Old Trafford.
    There was no 'romance of the cup' as Third Round weekend began on Friday evening with Stottingtot Hotshots giving Tranmere Rovers a right good trousers-down seven-nil hiding at Prenton Park. One of the major shocks of the Third Round occurred at St James' Park where, almost beyond belief, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies are still in the competition. Although, only just after an awful display against Championship opposition. Former Gillingham midfielder Bradley Dack put Blackburn Vindaloos ahead at Newcastle, fifteenth in the Premier League, before the home side forced a replay at Ewood Park with Matt Ritchie's late penalty. League Two Grimsby were minutes away from earning a replay against Crystal Palace - despite playing with ten men for eighty eight minutes after Andrew Fox was sent off - before Jordan Ayew struck with a late winner for the Premiership side. Nathan Redmond had put Southampton two-nil up against Derby County, but Frank Lampard's Championship side fought back with Tom Lawrence scoring the equaliser to earn a replay at St Mary's. Everton survived a scare against League Two leaders Lincoln City to win their first FA Cup tie since March 2016, with Ademola Lookman and Bernard giving the Toffees a two-one win. The first goal of Saturday was scored by Marko Arnautovic against Birmingham City and it set West Hamsters United on their way to a two-nil win, with Andy Carroll also on the scoresheet and Samir Nasri making his The Hamsters debut. Brighton & Hove Albinos triumphed in the all-Premier League battle at Bournemouth - two goals in the space of three first-half minutes by Anthony Knockaert and Yves Bissouma setting Chris Hughton's side up for a three-one victory. League One Barnsley were moments away from a replay at Premier League Burnley but the hosts were awarded a ninetieth-minute penalty, allowing Chris Wood to send The Clarets through. Earlier in the tie, Burnley had a penalty decision overruled by VAR just as Matej Vydra was about to take the spot-kick. Elsewhere, Shrewsbury - sixteenth in League One - took the lead at home to Championship side Stoke City through Oliver Norburn's penalty. However, thirty seven-year-old gangling beanpole Peter Crouch, an FA Cup winner with Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in 2006, earned The Potters a replay with a seventy eighth-minute equaliser, a mere four minutes after coming on as a substitute. Wigan Not Very Ahtletic, quarter-finalists last season after knocking out Sheikh Yer Man City, fell at the first hurdle this time around after Bakary Sako's goal helped West Bromwich Albinos win an all-Championship tie at The Hawthorns. League One Luton Town earned a replay after holding Championship side Sheffield Wednesday to a goalless draw at Hillsborough. Swansea City came out on top in their all-Championship tie with Aston Villains winning three-nil, whilst Middlesbrough Smog Monsters thrashed League One Peterborough five-nil. Elsewhere Notlob Wanderings beat Walsall five-two, Brentford were one-nil winners against League One strugglers Oxford United and AFC Wimbledon beat Fleetwood Mac three-two in an all-League One match-up. And, can now go their own way into the Fourth Round.
     Non-league Barnet stunned Championship high-flyers Sheffield United and League Two club Oldham Not Very Ahtletic knocked out Premier League side Poor Bloody Fulham as Sunday's FA Cup third-round fixtures delivered more shocks. National League side Barnet had not reached this stage of the competition since 2008 and, on that occasion, they secured a spot in the Fourth Round - it was a case of history repeating at Bramall Lane. The Bees held on for more than seventy five minutes for their one-nil win after Stottingtot Hotshots academy graduate Shaq Coulthirst had given them the lead from the spot. Oldham, three-time semi-finalists, fought from a goal down to beat The Cottagers two-one in a match that was incident-packed in the final fourteen minutes. Denis Odoi gave Fulham the lead shortly after the interval before Sam Surridge levelled from the spot. Claudio Ranieri's side were then awarded a penalty after Tom Cairney had been fouled - VAR confirmed referee Anthony Taylor's decision despite there appearing to have been little contact made by Christopher Missilou. Substitute Aleksandar Mitrovic missed the spot-kick before Callum Lang headed in what proved to be the winner for Oldham in the eighty eighth minute. Any idea of a Cup upset at The Etihad Stadium was extinguished in the first half as Sheikh Yer Man City scored three times against struggling Championship side Rotherham. Phil Foden's goal received the biggest cheer from the home support, it was his first at the ground. City scored four more after the break as they ran out seven-nil winners in a ruthless display. Veteran football commentator Martin Tyler was marching the touchline at The Laithwaite Community Stadium, along with manager Alan Dowson but the pair could not guide the National League South side Woking to a shock win over Premier League visitors Watford, who secured a two-nil victory. Tyler, a lifelong Cards fan who joined as a volunteer coach when Dowson was appointed in May, took the role of Assistant Manager on Sunday. League One Doncaster reached the Fourth Round for the first time since 2010 with a three-one win at Championship club Preston Both Ends. Substitute Shane Ferguson came off the bench to score twice in the final ten minutes as Millwall knocked fellow Championship side Hull City out with a two-one win. And Dirty Leeds will now have to solely focus on their bid for promotion to the Premier League as they succumbed to a two-one defeat by play-off hopefuls Queen's Park Strangers.
     And, in what was undoubtedly the match of the round - the BBC were surely delighted to have picked it for their Sunday live game - last year's giant killers Newport County did it again, this time beating Leicester City two-one in a pulsating, end-to-end cracker at Rodney Parade. Rachid Ghezzal's twenty yard screamer ten minutes from time appeared to have given Leicester a draw, cancelling out Jamille Matt's first-half header from Robbie Willmott's pinpoint cross. But, just three minutes later Marc Albrighton handled in the box and Pádraig Amond scored from the spot to send County through to the Fourth Round for the second year running.

Rotund, beardy Cockney wideboy Martin Samuel wrote an article in the Daily Scum Mail on Friday, in what appeared to many Newcastle United fans to be a suspiciously conveniently-timed story given that season ticket cancellations are currently a distinct possible: 'Peter Kenyon's bid to buy Newcastle is not over and he has contacted Mike Ashley personally with a promise to resume negotiations this month,' Samuel alleged. 'It was thought that the consortium led by Kenyon had given up on the deal, having failed to find' the three hundred million knicker funding 'required to tempt Newcastle's owner to sell.' But, a letter sent by Kenyon shortly before Christmas and 'seen by Sportsmail, makes it plain' that 'discussions will continue and the sale is still on' - with the former Moscow Chelski FC and The Scum executive allegedly in pole position. 'Sent via the club for Ashley's personal attention' - so, exactly how Samuel and the Scum Mail got hold of a copy is a question which is probably well worth asking at this juncture - Kenyon allegedly writes of 'a serious determination to finalise the agreement we have as soon as possible in the New Year.' He allegedly adds: 'I would like to personally assure you that I am committed to conclude our deal as soon as possible we are both perhaps frustrated that we have not progressed as quickly as we would have wished.' Ashley is 'coming under increasing pressure to sell,' Samuel writes although quite how that situation is any different from the majority of the previous nine or ten years is, again, worth pondering, 'with eight fans' groups writing a joint letter this week imploring him to conclude any deal swiftly, or invest transfer funds in the January window.' Which, clearly, he has absolutely no intention whatsoever of doing. 'There has been increasing scepticism on Tyneside that talk of selling is merely a - not particularly cunning - ruse by the owner to quell growing protests, Samuel adds, realistically. 'A television interview that Ashley gave recently has been dismissed as a PR exercise to get the fans off his back, with claims that he is resistant to any sale.' There were reports before Christmas that Kenyon's consortium, which allegedly includes former Sheikh Yer Man City chief executive Garry Cook, were 'as much as one-third short of the asking price' - a figure in the region of one hundred million smackers. 'Yet what also emerges from Kenyon's letter.' Samuel claims, 'is that negotiations are long-standing and he remains Ashley’s preferred bidder. While not yet at an exclusivity stage, Kenyon certainly appears to have progressed further than a previous suitor, Amanda Staveley, whose takeover Ashley ultimately dismissed as "a waste of time." In contrast, Kenyon writes: "I am delighted you think the investor group led by myself is the best fit. We have both spent many months discussing the parameters of a final deal and have also invested heavily in time and money on our various legal and financial advisors." Kenyon concludes by thanking Ashley for his patience, with a hope for further negotiations in the new year.' The problem, once again Samuel notes, 'is in the timing. If Kenyon's deal cannot be completed before the January transfer window closes - and, for all the good intentions, there is nothing in the letter to suggest it will be - this still leaves Newcastle in limbo, with Ashley unlikely to invest further if he is selling and any new investor unable to raise sufficient funds in time to make the necessary short-term impact.' This 'update' on the alleged takeover has been met by all kinds of reactions on Tyneside including disbelief, optimism, pessimism and hollow laughter. Samuel, it should be noted, has considerable form where Ashley is concerned. On a number of occasions the journalist has backed up the club's owner in print and attacked Newcastle fans at the same time. And as ever, dear blog reader, it's always worth remembering the golden rule when it comes to the possibility of seeing your football club taken over from a current - much disliked - regime. Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true. Many clubs - Newcastle included - have been down this road before, dear blog reader and, whilst there have been a few notable success stories, the disasters far outweigh those that have worked out.

The Football Association is 'asking people to come forward with information' after an unnamed England player was reported to have been 'kicked out of a nightclub for taking cocaine.' The allegation was allegedly snitched to the Sun newspaper, allegedly by an alleged - though suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, possibly fictitious - 'club insider.' The paper alleges that the Premier League player took the drug during a pre-Christmas 'team get-together' after an away game. The FA can ban any players found to have breached its social drugs policy. The starting point for a first time offence is up to three months and the FA has the power to suspend players indefinitely if they have breached the rules multiple times. Incidents of doping in English football are 'rare' the FA claims, but the governing body insists it 'remains a priority for The FA to find and sanction anyone found taking performance-enhancing or recreational drugs.' And, that's why they want someone to grass up the alleged individual allegedly with sniffing the cake involved like a dirty, stinking Copper's Nark. An FA spokesman added: 'We encourage anyone with information about any anti-doping violation in football to report it to The FA.'

Craig Bellamy has temporarily stepped down from his role as Cardiff City Under-Eighteens coach following the club's decision to investigate a bullying claim made against him. The investigation follows reports of a complaint about the former Norwich City, Coventry City, Newcastle United, Glasgow Celtic, Blackburn Vindaloos, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, West Hamsters United, Sheikh Yer Man City and Wales striker's alleged treatment of a young player, who has since left the club. Bellamy denies the allegations. 'I categorically refute them. I fully expect to return to my coaching role and have sought legal advice,' he said. Cardiff City have not yet commented on the allegations or responded to Bellamy's denial of them. In a statement Bellamy added: 'I am aware of allegations that have been made against me via the media. I understand the need for Cardiff City to undertake a full investigation in response to these allegations and - at my own suggestion - I have temporarily removed myself from my coaching position in order to cooperate fully with the club's inquiry. Obviously, I am saddened both by the allegations and the manner in which they were made.' Bellamy had what might, charitably, be described as 'a colourful career' as a player on several occasions leaving clubs under something of a cloud for a variety of different reasons - including allegedly feigning an injury and refusing to play in a game whilst at Newcastle, attacking his Liverpool teammate John Arne Rise with a golf club (an incident which earned him the nickname 'the nutter with the putter') and making disparaging comments in public about former clubs and teammates ... on a regular basis. In 2010, whilst playing for Sheikh Yer Man City in the Manchester derby against The Scum Bellamy was struck by a coin thrown by someone in the crowd. Greater Manchester police later stated that they had narrowed down a list of suspects to 'everyone who's ever met him.'

Swansea City may play in English football's second tier but they are 'charging parents Premier League prices for children to be mascots' according to a rather shitehawk 'Shock! Horror! Pictures!' 'exclusive' by the BBC Sports website. As if anybody with half-a-brain in their head actually gives a stuff about such nonsense. It reportedly costs 'up to' four hundred and seventy eight knicker for a match-day 'mascot package' at the Championship club, 'research' by BBC Wales found. So, in that case, don't pay it and don't let your child be a mascot, what's the problem? Only three teams in the Premier League charge more than Swansea, while the experience is free at most of the top clubs - including, astonishingly, this blogger's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies. Although, one imagines the second Mike Ashley discovers there's good money to be made from the gullible parents of desperate young boys, that'll sharp change. Swansea's local rivals Cardiff City charge two hundred and fifty five pounds. Swansea said that prices were 'reduced' this year following relegation so Christ only knows what they were making punters pay last year. Consumer groups have 'branded' (that's tabloidese for 'described' only with less syllables) the higher prices as 'outrageous.' Most normal people couldn't care less. 'For many youngsters, the chance to walk out onto the pitch with their football heroes is a dream come true,' the BBC sneer. 'Indeed many clubs tell parents the package is the "ultimate gift your child will never forget."' Yet while many of the biggest clubs in the country, including Premier League champions Sheikh Yer Man City, The Scum, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, The Arse, Moscow Chelski FC, Everton and, just to repeat because it is, frankly, a Hell of a surprise to pretty much everyone, Newcastle United, do not charge for the opportunity, others are cashing in more than seven hundred smackers per child. And, we're supposed to be what, outraged? Naff off, there are actual, real, important things in the world to get angry about rather than this sort of nonsense. Most packages include a full kit, match tickets, photographs and autographs as well as walking onto the pitch with the team before kick-off. But a two hundred and seventy quid deal at Fulham does not include kit while a one hundred and eighty five knicker package at Bournemouth does not come with a ticket to the game. So, you can go out on the pitch with the team before the game at Dean Court but, unless your dad coughs up for a ticket, then you get yer ass slung out of the gaff before the referee's even blown the whistle. Harsh! Martyn James, of the consumer website Resolver, who clearly hasn't got anything more important to do with his time, said: 'It's absolutely outrageous that some richer kids can effectively buy their way to the top of the mascot list. When I was younger, being a mascot was a reward for super loyalty or for having been through a great deal. Charging any money for these packages is unacceptable - and it's pretty unknown too.' Well, not now, it isn't. 'It makes a mockery of all the things that our national game is supposed to represent.' What, like greed and a desperate need make lifelong supporters part with as much money as possible before they get pissed off, give up and spend their match day's watching Sky Soccer Saturday instead? Hate to break it to you, Martyn, but that sounds exactly like 'all of the things our national game is supposed to represent.' This is the Twenty First Century, mate, not 1953. Supporters on various fan Interweb forums have 'slammed' (that's 'criticised' only will less syllables) the prices as 'unfair' and 'scandalous'. Although, to repeat, they are only those things if you are actually dumb enough to pay the prices changed. If nobody did that, one imagines, the prices for such packages would rapidly tumble. Swansea claimed the 'truly once in a lifetime experience' includes four hospitality places, a meal and half-time penalty competition on the pitch. Plus, watching Swansea City playing a second division match, obviously. Definitely 'once in a lifetime.' A spokesman added: 'We've reduced prices this year following relegation, from four hundred and fifty pounds plus VAT to three hundred and ninety nine pounds plus VAT for weekend, and three hundred and forty nine pounds plus VAT for weekday matches. We also give one space free to charity every match and this was brought in this season.' Mascots at the likes of Moscow Chelski FC, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, The Arse and The Scum are reportedly 'picked at random' from their junior fan club and are free. Cardiff City offers the chance for children aged between four and ten to 'turn dream into reality' for a mere two hundred and fifty five knicker and have sold out for many of their most popular home fixtures. Clubs have been 'urged' to 'find a good deal' for fans. Although, quite why they would do that when they've shown no inclination to do so or anything even remotely like it in the past is not, at this time, known. The Football Supporters' Federation whinged: 'Clubs should speak to their supporters about what they think represents a good deal for parents and if fans have specific concerns, we'd be happy to look into it. Our campaign focus will primarily remain on affordable ticket prices - particularly fair concessionary and fair young adult prices.' Yeah. And, how's that going, lads? Let us, once again dear blog reader, simply stand up and salute the utter shite that some people chose to care about!

This blogger has asked this question before, dear blog reader, but it bears repeating in light of the previous non-story. Can you remember the exact moment when football began to lose its soul? For yer actual Keith Telly Topping it occurred at some point in the mid-afternoon of 12 May 1990, the date of that year's FA Cup Final. For those who don't remember, the final itself was actually a terrific game between The Scum and Crystal Palace which ended in a three-three draw, but the day had already been soured for this blogger by events from an hour or so earlier. In those days the Cup Final was still a big deal and was covered extensively by both BBC1 and ITV. During the course of the BBC's six hour plus coverage, an interview took place between the late Tony Gubba and Palace's then owner the, now also late, Ron Noades. I dare say there will be quite a few younger dear blog readers who won't even remember who Noades was so, for you, a brief history lesson. Noades was a multi-millionaire who had made his money in developing golf courses before getting involved in football and becoming owner, firstly, of Wimbledon and then of the Palace (and, later, Brentford). He was, in those days, something of a controversial figure, one of the first of a new breed of media-savvy, full-of-their-own-importance owner-chairman who seemed to relish the limelight in a way that few of the dull grey boardroom men of previous generations ever had and were to be found getting their boat-races on telly as often, if not more often, than the managers they employed. Of course, these days, where our clubs are mostly owned by a series of very shady figures - floggers of mucky books or cheap sports gear, Russian oligarchs who used to be in the KGB, Arab oil billionaires or American or Indian or Malaysian absentee landlords - a figure like Ron actually seems rather tame by comparison. But, nevertheless, in 1990, he was known for his outspoken pontificating on all manner of subjects in front of the cameras and, thus, the Beeb felt an interview with him during the course of Cup Final Grandstand would probably be value for money. And, they were right. During the interview, Gubba asked Noades a fairly straightforward question about how the Palace owner responded to criticism of the way in which he ran the club from the supporters who, after all, paid their money through the turnstiles. Didn't they deserve a say in the way in which their money was being spent, on players rather than corporate boxes for example? Noades's reply is etched onto this blogger's memory: 'Gone are the days,' he began, 'where supporters can makes those sort of demands of chairmen because they pay the players' wages.' He went on to explain that match day receipts at Palace - and, therefore, he presumed at other clubs - now only accounted for about half of the income which a football club depended upon (this blogger believes the exact figure he quoted was fifty five per cent, the rest being made up by external merchandising, sponsorship and other commercial activities). Now, remember, this was 1990, two full years before the first Sky TV deal was done which would make that situation a million times worse over the course of the next three decades. This blogger can remember being astounded by what Noades was saying; effectively suggesting that paying football supporters were perceived to be less important by those who ran their clubs than the number of replica shirts they could flog in the Far East. 'You might well be right, Ron,' yer actual Keith Telly Topping thought to himself. 'But I'll tell you what, I'll bet you and all of the other wideboys that run our clubs would, collectively, shite in your own pants and run a mile if, next Saturday, no one turned up at any football ground in this country.' Of course, that will never happen, our fandom ultimately works against us in this regard. But, that was the first moment where the mask, momentarily, slipped and many football fans realised the true level of utter contempt with which they, as consumers, were held by those in charge of this game we all love. And that's the reason why this blogger finds himself wholly unable to get all worked up about Swansea and others clubs charging such a massive wedge of coin to children to be their mascot. On a list of 'things that are hideously, obscenely wrong with football' dear blog reader, sadly, that's not even in the top twenty.

The Not-Very-Special One

The Scum have extremely sacked manager Jose Mourinho after 'identifying a catalogue of his failings at the club.' The Portuguese took over in May 2016 and led The Scum to League Cup and Europa League titles, but they are currently nineteen points behind league leaders Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws. The club made a change after 'no progress with results or style' despite spending nearly four hundred million knicker on eleven players. They also say that their new manager, announced the following day to be former Scummer Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, will 'understand the philosophy of the club,' including their 'attacking traditions.' Solskjaer, the current manager of Norwegian club Molde, has been appointed as caretaker manager until the end of the season whilst the search for a permanent replacement for The Special One is undertaken. It is reported that The Scum's players and staff were 'not happy' after a disappointing and unsettling period during which young players were not developed. The Scum are sixth in the Premier League, but closer to the relegation zone than to the leaders, who beat them three-one on Sunday. The decision to sack Mourinho, which will cost more than eighteen million knicker, has been taken 'in the long-term interests of United' with a regard that the club is 'bigger than any one individual,' the club said. Mourinho is reported to have wanted his own structure, but The Scum's next permanent manager will be appointed with a head of football above him reporting to executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward. A statement from The Scum said: 'A caretaker-manager will be appointed until the end of the season while the club conducts a thorough recruitment process for a new, full-time manager. The club would like to thank Jose for his work during his time at Manchester United and to wish him success in the future.' One or two people even believed them. The Scum's haul of twenty six points after their first seventeen Premier League games is their worst tally at this stage of a season since 1990-91. They are eleven points away from the top four, which would earn a Champions League qualification place. Mourinho's sacking comes after a fall-out with eighty nine million quid record signing Paul Pogba, who was an unused substitute for the defeat at Anfield on Sunday. Following a draw with Wolves, Pogba said that he wanted The Scum to be able to 'attack, attack, attack' at home, which led Mourinho to say that the France midfielder would no longer be the club's 'second captain.' After Mourinho, who replaced Louis van Gaal in May 2016 and signed a contract extension in January, was sacked, Pogba tweeted 'caption this' with a knowing expression on his face, before immediately deleting the post. Mourinho's third season did not begin well after missing out on key transfer targets in the summer and two defeats in the first three league games - to Stottingtot Hotshot at home and Brighton & Hove Albinos away - meant that his side were playing catch-up with the leading teams. By October, there were reports Mourinho might get the tin-tack prior to the home game against yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies, but after The Scum trailed two-nil with twenty five minutes to go, they turned it around to win three-two and, seemingly, buy the former Moscow ChelskiFC, Inter Milan and Real Madrid boss more time. Mourinho's agent Jorge Mendes attempted to calm matters earlier this month by issuing a statement to say his client was 'very happy' and 'fully committed' to the club. The Scum, seemingly, did not agree. Despite reaching the Champions League last sixteen, where The Scum will play Paris St-Germain, they have won just one of their past six games in the Premier League. Mourinho's dismissal continues his run of never completing four consecutive seasons in charge of a club. Only once has he made it into a fourth campaign, but he left Moscow Chelski FC in September 2007 during his first spell at Torpedo Stamford Bridge.

Police are investigating an incident that saw Stottingtot Hoshots' Debbie Alli struck on the head by a plastic bottle during their two-nil win at The Arse on Wednesday. The bottle was thrown from the crowd at Emirates Stadium during the Carabao Cup quarter-final. The police have narrowed the list of suspects down to 'everyone that's ever met him.' England midfielder Alli was hit near the touchline as The Arse prepared to take a throw-in in the seventy third minute. The Metropolitan Police says that it is 'working' with The Arse to try to identify the individual responsible. The Arse told BBC Sport that they are examining CCTV to find the person who threw the bottle, but police say no arrests have been made at this time. The Football Association is 'aware of the incident' - so, presumably, someone at the FA was watching the game on telly and saw it happen - and will 'support' the police and clubs as they look into the matter, which might well be the most utterly pointless statement in the history of utterly pointless statements. Although, what would have happened if they said that they weren't 'supporting' the police and clubs is unknown. 'In a different country, maybe they close the stadium for a few games,' said Spurs manager Mauricio Pochettino. 'It's lucky it wasn't a big problem but I think people need to be careful and we need to try and avoid this type of action. Some people behave very bad.' Alli had earlier scored the second goal and Spurs went on to reach the semi-finals. Wednesday's incident follows a banana skin being thrown towards The Arse striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang in the Premier League match between the sides at the same venue on 2 December. The Spurs fan responsible was fined and banned from football for four years on Tuesday. When asked about the incident after the game, Alli told Sky Sports: 'It is what it is. It made the goal a bit sweeter and the win.'

The Arse's manager Unai Emery has claimed that the BBC's period gangster drama Peaky Blinders is helping him perfect his English. The Spaniard says he watches the drama series, set in Birmingham between, 'to relax.' But, the West Midlands accents have 'proven tricky' for the former Paris St-Germain boss. '[Peaky Blinders] is good but it is difficult [to understand] from Birmingham. And it's very aggressive. But it's good,' the leader of the Peaky Gooners said. Emery who replaced Arsene Wenger at The Emirates in the summer, has also taken language courses to improve his English. And, when he is not watching TV dramas as a learning aid, he is watching his other passion, football. The forty seven-year-old, who speaks in - actually, pretty reasonable - English at his news conferences, said: 'In each profession, you need to feel passion for that in order to give it your best performance. Football is my passion. It's my work, but I don't think every day that it is my work, it's my best hobby. I feel very big the passion. I am doing my work with my desire.'

Blunderland's Stadium of Plight will host the biggest third-tier crowd for thirty nine years for their Boxing Day game against Bradford City. Ticket sales have surpassed the League One record of thirty eight thousand two hundred and fifty six for Dirty Leeds's game against Gillingham in May 2008. The crowd will be the highest at this level since the 1979 Sheffield derby, which attracted forty nine thousand three hundred and nine punters. It will also be Blunderland's biggest since the club were extremely relegated from the Premier League in 2017. 'What a phenomenal achievement by our supporters and what a statement to the football world that Sunderland is on its way back,' executive director Charlie Methven claimed. The Wearsiders will also officially rename the South stand 'The Roker End' at the game. They are currently third in the table and bidding to return to the Championship at the first attempt. English football's third tier was rebranded as League One in 2004, having been Division Two from 1992 and Division Three before that.

League Two side Cambridge United have shown their Christmas spirit by mowing a Christmas tree into their pitch. The special design at Abbey Stadium for The U's game against Yeovil Town on Saturday was created by groundsman Ian Darler and features stars and baubles. 'Our Groundsman does Christmas better than yours,' the club tweeted, along with a picture of the pitch. The club tweeted: 'Gary Deegan is very much aiming for the tree points today.' Leicester City were famous for their inventive mowing patterns but they were banned by the Premier League at the start of the 2017-18 season. Top-flight rules state the playing surface must contain no markings other than the traditional horizontal and white lines.

Dulwich Hamlet somehow made six goal-line clearances to deny Wingate & Finchley in an epic goalmouth scramble during their FA Trophy first-round fixture on Saturday. Despite Dulwich Hamlet's heroics, Wingate & Finchley won the match two-nil.

A Crawley Town fan who threw an empty plastic bottle at an assistant referee has been banned for three home games. The bottle hit the official following the League Two defeat by Northampton on 8 December. The spectator responsible, who said they were 'frustrated and upset' on the day, came forward after an appeal was put out by the club. Crawley said they had been 'in discussions' with Sussex Police, but decided a three-game ban was 'sufficient.' The supporter has also agreed to make a donation to the English Football League's charity partner Mind. 'I would firstly like to apologise to the official the bottle struck and I hope it has not had any damaging effect on him and hope it doesn't in the future,' said the supporter, who has not been identified. 'I would also like to apologise to the club and to all individuals as this has caused extra work. I understand how proud the club are of their good reputation and the reputation it has of welcoming families to the stadium. I hope my actions haven't tarnished its good reputation.' Bit late for that, mate. The bad-tempered match saw Crawley striker Ollie Palmer shown a red card by referee Craig Hicks for a clash with The Cobblers' Aaron Pierre. One of Hicks' assistants was then struck by the bottle as they left the pitch at full-time. The Football Association has warned the Sussex club 'faces sanctions' if there is any further 'spectator misconduct.' 'It goes without saying that the club condone any actions which brings our good name into disrepute,' said operations director Kelly Derham. 'Football ignited passions but, regardless of how we view what happens on the field, I would appeal to all our supporters to uphold the good name of the club on matchdays by behaving responsibly.'

The Gaffer

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved though (still) unsellable Newcastle United boss Rafael Benitez has been named Premier League manager of the month for November. Newcastle were nineteenth in the table at the start of November, with no wins from their first ten games, before three straight victories moved them out of the relegation zone. The Magpies beat Watford and Bournemouth at St James' Park before an away win at Burnley, though they've lost the two games since then (albeit, one of them rather unluckily). It is the fifth time the Spaniard has won the award in the top flight, though his first since he joined United in 2016. 'It's always good to win trophies,' said Rafa The Gaffer. This blogger wouldn't know, mate, he's a Newcastle fan and I'm only fifty five. 'Obviously I would like to win more manager of the months, then we would be in a better position in the table. But it's always positive and it is good also for the staff. Everybody is helping you and it is an extra motivation.'

Meanwhile, Salomon Rondon struck the only goal as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies beat Huddersfield to move six points clear of the Premier League relegation places and inflict a fourth successive defeat on The Terriers. Somewhat against the run of play, Ayoze Perez and Javier Manquillo combined to set up Rondon on fifty five minutes and the Venezuelan made no mistake from close range. For Huddersfield, both Philip Billing and Chris Lowe spurned notable opportunities on a frustrating afternoon for the hosts. Despite lots of late pressure, Newcastle stood firm to record a fourth win of the season. Huddersfield, who remain eighteenth, sit three points adrift of safety and have now lost nine of their last thirteen league games.

In Netflix's latest documentary, a film crew followed the worst season in Sunderland AFC's history. Misery and footballing torture is relived through the series, documenting their Championship relegation season of 2017-18. Made by fans from production company Fulwell Seventy Three, Sunderland 'Til I Die is available worldwide from Friday 14 December. One imagines the take up on Tyneside might be almost as a large as that on Wearside.

Some fans are using the 'political atmosphere as a cover for their own racism and prejudice,' according to the anti-discrimination group Fare. It comes after Moscow Chelski FC condemned 'a vocal minority' of their fans for anti-Semitic chants during Thursday's two-two draw with MOL Vidi in Hungary. Earlier this week, four Moscow Chelski fans were suspended following the alleged sick racial abuse of Raheem Sterling. Fare executive director Piara Powar says such attitudes must be defeated. 'The sad fact is that in recent years Chelsea have done an incredible amount of work to tackle anti-Semitism, much of it highly innovative and impactful,' said Powar. 'But there remains throughout football a rump of people who in 2019 will see the political atmosphere as a cover for their own racism and prejudice.' A Moscow Chelski FC spokesman said the offensive songs about Stottingtot Hotshots fans have 'shamed the club.' Ben Holman, from educational anti-racism charity Show Racism the Red Card, says anti-Semitic abuse must be 'treated seriously in mainstream society' for it to be tackled accordingly in football. 'In some incidences the message has got to the fans it's not acceptable,' Holman told BBC Sport. 'The problem is some of the chants are more historic and in that way fans don't realise the problem with it. Until it's treated seriously in mainstream society as racism you will always see it shunted off in football as not so serious. Racism isn't a problem intrinsic to football. These fans are at a football match for two hours a week, but for the other one hundred and sixty six are members of society, taking the bus, going to work.' According to incidents recorded by charity the Community Security Trust, anti-Semitism has been on the rise in the UK. Meanwhile, a report by watchdog Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary earlier this year said that hate crime rose after the 2016 Brexit referendum and the same could happen when (or, now, if) the UK leaves the European Union in 2019. 'Our organisation has always believed sport and football are a microcosm of society,' added Holman. 'We think if society is racist, football is part of society and will always have racism, so we try to educate young people in society and hope football will follow.' Powar described the episode as 'a sad indictment' of 'where some people are in their understanding of racism and the impact it can have. They stare history in the face and think they are somehow exempt from the judgements it will make on their actions,' Powar added. 'We should give a lot of credit to those Chelsea fans who highlighted what was going on at the match on social media or directly to the authorities.' Last year, Moscow Chelski FC condemned an anti-Semitic chant by their fans during a win at Leicester, with Blues supporters using a song about their striker Alvaro Morata to abuse London rivals Spurs, who have a large Jewish fanbase. Spain international Morata also posted on social media asking fans to 'respect everyone.' Holman says that the Stamford Bridge club have been 'progressive and forward thinking' in their efforts to eradicate anti-Semitisim from their fanbase. In October, chairman Bruce Buck told the Sun the club 'may' require fans found guilty of anti-Semitic abuse to visit the site of Nazi concentration camp Auschwitz rather than banning them. The Premier League club's Say No To Anti-Semitism scheme, which began in January, also provides one-to-one education courses. A group of one hundred an fifty people, consisting of club staff, stewards and supporters, visited Auschwitz in June to learn about the deaths of more than a million people killed there between 1940 and 1945. 'Chelsea have really stepped up their efforts to eradicate anti-Semitism from Stamford Bridge and among their fans,' Holman told BBC Sport. 'Roman Abramovich has ploughed a lot of his personal money into tackling anti-Semitism. The club realise they could ban a fan and wash their hands with them, but that person will still hold those anti-Semitic views. If they can educate them then that person may benefit society.' Powar added: 'I have no doubt that in the end these types of attitudes will be defeated. That necessity for cultural change applies across the football industry, not just the terraces, from the governing institutions, to clubs and the media. We should look at what's been happening in the last two weeks to get more creative and bring about that culture change more urgently.' Brighton & Hove Albinos manager Chris Hughton, one of two black Premier League managers, said that clubs are 'on top of what they see,' but that eradicating anti-Semitic and racial abuse from football or society is 'about a culture and making sure people are respectful of all colours and creeds. Racial events in our game, which we are trying as hard as we can to eradicate, are always going to happen,' he added. 'You hope it's something that doesn't escalate. Sometimes when times are harder they become more relevant - but racism holds no place in our game. It holds no place in society but unfortunately there are always going to be incidences.' UEFA, European football's governing body, said it will await the referee's report of Thursday's Europa League match before deciding on whether any action will be taken. Incidents of anti-Semitic and racial abuse are a criminal offence punishable, rightly, with a lengthy spell in The Slammer. For those that take place in the English game, governing body the Football Association works with clubs and the police to identify individuals and make sure they face appropriate action through the courts, which can impose banning orders. Moscow Chelski FC fan and writer Ivor Baddiel told the Victoria Derbyshire programme that some fans think they are 'just being anti-Tottenham.' He added: 'They aren't, they are being hugely and horrendously anti-Semitic. When you sing "Spurs are on their way to Auschwitz", that is what you are really chanting about. Clearly there are people who think it's okay and maybe they don't understand why Jewish people are so offended by it. You would think that all but the most hardened fascists would think that was wrong.' Simon Johnson, chief executive of the Jewish Leadership Council, said the incident was 'thoroughly depressing, especially in light of the dedicated work Chelsea have done to address the problem.' He added: 'We completely endorse the club's strong statement and would support them in any robust action which they now take against the perpetrators.' Board of Deputies vice-president Amanda Bowman said the 'disgraceful behaviour must be challenged and the perpetrators identified and punished.' She said the organisation is 'fully behind Chelsea's 'Say No to Anti-Semitism' campaign' but added that 'football still has much work to do before racism on the terraces is eradicated.'

Having less than a third of this season's FA Cup third-round matches in the traditional 3pm kick-off slot 'diminishes the magic of the day,' a supporters' group has claimed. Only ten of the thirty two fixtures will start at that time on Saturday 5 January. The Football Association's new six-year, eight hundred and twenty million knicker overseas TV contract has 'contributed' to a number of changes. 'There's a grave danger that they might threaten the magic of the FA Cup,' the Football Supporters' Federation said. The overseas TV deal, which has come into force this season, was announced by the FA in October 2016. However, FSF chairman Malcolm Clarke said that his organisation had been 'taken by surprise' when the third-round fixture list was revealed. There will be one match on the evening of Friday 4 January, seven will kick-off at 12:30 and five at 17:30 on the Saturday. Eight matches will be played on the Sunday, whilst Wolverhampton Wanderings face Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws on the Monday evening. Clarke said that he is now 'seeking a meeting' with the FA to 'discuss' his concerns. 'The third round of the FA Cup on the first Saturday in January was always one of the great highlights of the season and, to have less than one third of the games kicking off at three o'clock on Saturday definitely, to some extent, diminishes the magic of the day,' he said. The FA defended its television deal, pointing to the 'benefits for grassroots football' and 'reinvestment at all levels.' Plus, makes tonnes of wonga for them so that they can get their filthy greed right on. As usual. An FA spokesperson weaselled: 'A selection of the Emirates FA Cup third-round fixtures have been picked for domestic and overseas television coverage as part of the new international broadcast deal for the competition. The new deal, which began this season, will see more money than ever before reinvested back into English football and prize money doubled to over £30.2 million - with a guaranteed four million distributed to non-league clubs. In addition, the new deal will provide an increased level of investment into grassroots football pitches, facilities and participation programmes across England.' One or two people even believed them.

Stoke City will help pay for repairs at Port Vale's stadium, after trouble broke out at a local derby. The Championship club has agreed to donate money towards the repairs at Vale Park, which was damaged at a match between the club's Under-Twenty One team and Vale in the Checkatrade Trophy on 4 December, Port Vale said. Police said 'a large section of Stoke fans had been disruptive.' Seats, toilets and windows were broken in the away stand. In a statement, the League Two outfit said: 'Stoke City have agreed to donate their share of the net proceeds from the gate towards the cost of repairs. Port Vale chairman Norman Smurthwaite, would like to thank Stoke City for this kind gesture.' The club did not reveal the amount to be paid. Staffordshire Police described the disorder as 'despicable.' Fourteen arrests were made last week and the force said that two more were made on Wednesday. Port Vale said it would focus on repairing the damage before the game with Cheltenham Town on Saturday.

Notlob Wanderers chairman and majority stakeholder Ken Anderson is to personally fund outstanding wages owed by the Championship club. Wanderers said that 'an agreement' reached with the Professional Footballers' Association to pay November's wages was 'not the preferred route.' The Bolton News reports that the PFA has 'already pulled out of the agreement' because of 'other financial concerns.' Payments will be made on Friday - fourteen days late. Wanderers said that the latest delay was 'caused' by 'exploring the option of assistance' from the PFA, with an agreement first reached with the players' union on Friday 7 December before it was 'revised' and an initial statement was issued by the club on Monday. The wage dispute at Notlob is not the first this season, with players going on strike and pre-season fixtures being cancelled because of 'similar issues' during the summer. Financial problems have plagued the club in recent years, with The Trotters only avoiding administration in September after former owner Eddie Davies gave the club a five million smackers loan four days before he died. In a statement, the club said that it would not make any further comments about the late wages payments and would like 'all attention turned towards' Saturday's home game against second-placed Dirty Leeds.

AC Milan will be very banned from European competition for a season if they do not break even by June 2021 after falling foul of financial fair play rules. The decision from UEFA comes after Milan successfully appealed against a two-year ban being imposed last summer. The Court of Arbitration for Sport partially upheld that appeal and asked for 'a proportionate disciplinary measure' to be imposed on Milan. The Italian club can appeal again to CAS against the new ruling, says UEFA. European football's governing body rules say clubs cannot spend more than they generate by their own means and UEFA handed out the original punishment after deciding Milan had breached the requirement to break even after spending two hundred million knicker on transfers. Milan has two-and-a-half years to balance their books or face missing European competition in either 2022-23 or 2023-24, should they qualify. However, the seven-times European champions did not escape immediate punishment with UEFA withholding twelve million Euros owed to the Italian side from this season's Europa League, a competition they were knocked out of on Thursday. The club will also be limited to a maximum of twenty one players, rather than the usual twenty five, in their squad for European competition should they qualify in the next two seasons. AC Milan were taken over by a US-based hedge fund in July after former owner Li Yonghong missed a deadline to repay part of the loan he used to buy the club in April 2017. In its ruling in July, CAS noted the club's financial position had 'significantly improved following the recent change in ownership.' The club have an agreement to sign Brazilian attacker Lucas Paqueta from Flamengo for a reported thirty one million smackers in January and have been linked with several centre forwards, including The Scum's Marcus Rashford, after failing to convince Zlatan Ibrahimovic to return to the San Siro. They also took striker Gonzalo Higuain and defender Mattia Caldera from Juventus in the summer.

Five Ligue Une matches have been postponed - with another three rearranged - because of the security issues in France as games are called off for the second weekend in a row. The country has seen four weekends of violent anti-government protests - with more demonstrations expected. Paris St-Germain's game in Dijon on Saturday is one of those postponed. A minute's silence will be held before the games which will be played to honour the victims of the unrelated shooting in Strasbourg. Strasbourg's players - whose game at Reims on Saturday goes ahead - will wear a shirt without sponsors' logos to pay respect. Three people were killed, with a fourth left brain dead and twelve others wounded in a Christmas market gun attack.

Eleven Sports is reportedly trying to renegotiate its TV sports rights in the UK to online-only streaming deals. Having won the rights to show La Liga and Serie A games earlier this year, the company was hoping to sub-licence the rights to broadcasting companies such as Sky, BT Sport and Virgin Media. But a failure to strike a deal has led to the streaming platform to look again at its rights deals. 'We are in discussion with our rights partners,' a spokesperson confirmed. 'Without carriage agreements with the existing platforms, alongside the challenges posed by rampant piracy, the market dynamics in the UK and Ireland are very hostile for new entrants,' they added. Meanwhile, mixed martial arts series UFC has pulled out of a deal with Eleven Sports, which was supposed to start in January, after the latter did not agree a contract to redistribute its events. Eleven Sports claim they are not in financial difficulties and the problems in the UK are 'in isolation' rather than impacting on other markets in which it operates. The company is owned by Dirty Leeds chairman Andrea Radrizzani and the issues are 'not expected' to affect the Championship club. Sky held the La Liga rights and BT Sport those for Serie A, before Eleven Sports signed three-year deals in May to show top-flight matches from Spain and Italy.

Love For Sale

Former Moscow Chelski FC and The Scum chief executive Peter Kenyon is reportedly heading a consortium that is in talks to buy yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though previously unsellable) Newcastle United. Current owner, loathsome reptile Mike Ashley, claimed in an interview earlier this week that 'discussions' over a possible sale 'are at a more progressed stage than they have ever been.' It is believed a potential deal with Kenyon is what Ashley was referring to. Kenyon is 'understood' to be working with the American financial advisory firm Rockefeller Capital Management. It is unknown if a firm bid has been lodged at this stage. However, Kenyon's group are short on time if the purchase is to be made prior to the start of the January transfer window. Premier League checks and processes when clubs change hands take around fourteen days to complete. The Christmas break and Richard Scudamore's departure as executive chairman of the league later this month could also be complicating factors regarding that time frame. Those regulatory checks can only take place after extensive due diligence of the club's financial position and any final negotiations and legal work has concluded between the two sides. That all makes a December purchase date optimistic - even if a deal was to be agreed in the coming days. Other suitors are also reported to be interested in the club, which Ashley formally put up for sale - for the second time - in 2017. Claims of interest from up to three further groups, however, remain unverified. That uncertainty is claimed to be due to 'confidentiality clauses,' but there is a suspicion that claims of other interested parties may have been somewhat exaggerated by Ashley in order to pressure the main bidder into swift action. It has also been alleged that financial consultants working for Kenyon travelled to Tyneside earlier this week and have visited St James' Park as part of their valuation. In order for that to happen, the proposed new owners would have had to satisfy specified financial criteria - but not deposit funds in a third party account as was previously claimed. The three hundred million kicker asking price which has been bandied around in the media is not fixed in terms of a one-off payment and a down payment 'could', reportedly, be acceptable to Ashley, given proof of sufficient funds. Claims that United had negotiated a 'try before you buy' loan deal for Atlanta United's Miguel Almiron have been 'rubbished' by the MLS side's President. Newcastle have twice been relegated from the Premier League under Ashley's ownership (and, to be scrupulously fair, twice promoted at the first attempt after those two relegations). It is also worth noting at this juncture Keith Telly Topping's previous voiced sage-like advice to all fellow Magpies (and, indeed, all fellow football fans) on the subject of someone new potentially taking over your club. 'Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true.'

England will face the Netherlands in the Nations League semi-finals in Guimaraes, Portugal on 6 June 2019. The hosts face Switzerland on 5 June at Porto's Estadio do Dragao in the other semi-final, with the final scheduled for 9 June. 'It's a very exciting game to look forward to and a second semi-final for us,' said England manager Gareth Southgate. England reached the last four of the World Cup in Russia this summer, where they were beaten two-one by Croatia. You might remember it, it was on TV and everything. They qualified for the Nations League semi-finals by finishing top of a group containing Croatia and Spain. The game against the Dutch, currently managed by Ronald Koeman, at Estadio D Afonso Henriques will be the first competitive meeting between the sides since Euro '96, when an England side containing Southgate memorably won four-one at Wembley. 'We play a team in Holland who are at a similar stage to us - developing, lots of exciting young players in both sides - and you can see the impact Ronald has had,' said Southgate. The Dutch qualified for the last four thanks to a ninetieth-minute equaliser in their final group game in Germany. Switzerland pipped Belgium to top spot by virtue of their superior head-to-head record, beating them five-two in their final game. European champions Portugal progressed at the expense of Poland and Italy. The Nations League, which began in September and featured fifty five nations in four tiers, also provides a second opportunity to qualify for Euro 2020. The winners of the competition will receive over six million smackers in prize money, and the fourth-placed team around four million notes.

DJ Martin Solveig has grovellingly apologised to Women's Ballon d'Or winner Ada Hegerberg for asking her after she collected her award if she knew 'how to twerk.' The Frenchman said Lyon and Norway striker Hegerberg - who simply answered 'no' to the question - had told him after the ceremony she 'understood it was a joke.' Hegerberg told BBC Sport that she 'didn't consider it sexual harassment.' The twenty three-year-old was named the inaugural winner of the award, which recognises the world's best player, in Paris. Real Madrid and Croatia midfielder Luka Modric won the men's award, becoming the first player other than either Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo to claim the trophy in more than a decade. Solveig was playing music throughout the ceremony and also danced with Hegerberg to Frank Sinatra. During the presentation of her award, he asked her: 'Do you know how to twerk?' She replied that she did not. Hegerberg, who had just made a speech talking about her hopes of inspiring girls to believe in themselves, appeared rather bewildered by the random nature of the question, sparking a massive reaction on social media. Twerking is a sexually provocative dance move popularised by the singer Miley Cyrus. Solveig was widely criticised on social media, including by two-time Wimbledon tennis champion Andy Murray, who said on Instagram: 'Another example of the ridiculous sexism that still exists in sport. To everyone who thinks people are overreacting and it was just a joke, it wasn't. I've been involved in sport my whole life and the level of sexism is unreal.' On Tuesday, Women in Sport said that it was 'extremely disappointed' at the comments made by Solveig. 'The sexist remarks made by Solveig were completely inappropriate and show just how much work is still left to do to create a society that is free from sexism and discrimination,' the charity said in a statement. 'In her speech, Ada Hegerberg implored young girls all over the world to believe in themselves and we hope that this moment will not overshadow her incredible achievement of becoming the first recipient of the women's Ballon d'Or.' 'Apologies to anyone who may have been offended,' Solveig wrote on Twitter, a marvellous example of a non-apology apology in which it is, seemingly, those who took offence at the comments that are in the wrong rather than Solveig himself for making the comments in the first place. 'This was a joke, probably a bad one and I want to apologise.' In a video message, he added: 'I am a little bit amazed as to what I am reading on the Internet. I, of course, didn't want to offend anyone. This comes from a distortion of my English level and my English culture level, which is obviously not enough because I didn't mean to offend anyone and didn't know this could be seen as such an offence. Especially if you consider the sequence in total, when we ended up dancing to Frank Sinatra.' Solveig later posted a picture on Twitter of him and Hegerberg shaking hands. Speaking to BBC Sport, Hegerberg said: 'He came to me afterwards and was really sad that it went that way. I didn't really think about it at the time. I was just happy to do the dance and win the Ballon d'Or to be honest. I will have a glass of champagne when I get back.'

Paris St-Germain's Ligue One game against Montpellier in the French capital on Saturday was postponed at the request of the police. Violent protests have been held in major French cities over the past three weekends against a rise in fuel tax with lots of Frenchies getting all stroppy and discombobulated. The gilets jaunes) protests have now grown to reflect more widespread anger at the government and more took place at the weekend. League leaders PSG said that a new date for the match 'will be set in due course.' PSG's next two games are away from Paris. They play Strasbourg in the French top flight on Wednesday and then travel to Red Star Belgrade in the Champions League on 11 December. 'We accept this postponement,' said PSG boss Thomas Tuchel. 'We'll have to manage this situation to stay in shape before Belgrade. Security is absolutely important.' Except, he said it in French, obviously. Lyon's match at Toulouse on Saturday was postponed. 'It's a last-minute decision,' said Lyon owner Jean-Michel Aulas. 'It marks the current turmoil in a society that prioritises things that we would not like to see. I do not know if there were any risks. Maybe the whole day will be cancelled because it poses a problem of fairness. The calendar is very busy for the European teams. One must be factual and bow to the force of events. We will adapt.'

It will be 'desperately disappointing' if Scochtland are not involved in Euro 2020 while hosting four games, says the Scottish FA's chief executive. Most English people, by contrast, think it will be 'desperately funny' but, that's another story entirely. The Scotch have two chances to qualify for their first major tournament since 1998 - via the Nations League play-offs and the traditional qualifiers. They were drawn in what looks to be a rock-hard group with Belgium, Russia, Cyprus, Kazakhstan and San Marino. 'It's vitally important that we're part of the competition, particularly the games at Hampden,' Ian Maxwell said. Hampden will host three group matches and a last sixteen fixture as UEFA take the tournament across Europe to celebrate the sixtieth anniversary of the first European Championship (then called the European Nations Cup). Maxwell, like Scotchland manager Alex McLeish, is 'determined' to qualify automatically by finishing in the top two of Group I, rather than rely on the Nations League. Trips to Russia, Kazakhstan and Cyprus will have to yield something if the Scotch are to qualify and after criticism of their travel schedule for Israel and Albania in Nations League C Group One, Maxwell stresses that nothing will be left to chance during the qualifiers. 'We'll consider anything,' he added. 'Ultimately we want the players to take the field in the best possible physical and mental condition.' And, Maxwell said of the trip to Kazakhstan: 'Alex will consult the performance staff and I imagine we'll speak to some of the players as well because they'll have done it at club level. It'll be interesting to learn from the experiences they had to make sure everybody's as prepared as they possibly can be. We're quite happy to look at whatever opportunities we can to make sure the players are as well equipped as they can be.'

Now, dear blog reader, would you like to watch 'the incredible moment' a dog stopped a shot on the line in an Argentine third division match between Defensores de Belgrano de Villa Ramallo and Juventud Unida? Of course you would, you're only human. It can be viewed here.

Crystal Palace are reported to be 'confident' that their training ground kitchen will regain its five-star hygiene rating after being rated zero over a mice infestation. An inspection in August found the facility in Beckenham, used by players and staff, had 'a significant mouse problem' and had done so 'for several months.' The report was released by Bromley Council following a freedom of information request from Kent Live. A Palace spokesman claimed that the issue 'has been resolved. We invested substantially in the training ground over the summer, upgrading facilities for our players and staff and immediately took action to remedy the issues highlighted in the kitchen area following the works,' read a club statement. 'The remedial action was approved by the environmental health inspector and we are confident that our five-star rating at Beckenham will be restored when we are re-inspected, in line with our five-star rating for the kitchen facilities at Selhurst Park.'

Police investigating 'despicable disorder' at a football derby have released a video of suspects destroying a toilet block. The footage shows a group of men chanting (which, to be fair, isn't illegal), damaging sinks and smashing windows (both of which very much are) at the match between Port Vale and Stoke City Under-Twenty Ones at Vale Park on Tuesday night. More than one hundred and fifty officers were deployed to the stadium and eleven people arrested as a sick orgy of untamed violence broke out, with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. Police said 'a large section' of Stoke fans - their minds poisoned by alcohol, one presumes - had been 'disruptive.' The scallywags. Port Vale won the Checkatrade Trophy match four-nil and almost four thousand Stoke fans were in a crowd of seven thousand nine hundred. Flares, seats and other missiles were thrown onto the pitch during the game. Staffordshire Police called the video 'shocking' and appealed for information on the identity of the men involved whilst announcing that eleven chaps had been pinched by The Fuzz. Nabbed by The Heat. Taken downtown for 'a good talking to.' You get the picture? Detective Chief Inspector Rob Taylor said: 'We have a duty to the local community and the loyal supporters of both clubs to act swiftly. We will ensure that all opportunities will be taken to identify those suspected of being involved in this despicable disorder and bring them to justice.' Previously, Chief Superintendent Wayne Jones said that his officers faced 'shocking levels of hostility' on the night. 'The toilet block in the away stand was damaged badly,' he said. 'The cisterns and urinals were smashed off the wall, windows were damaged and there was an attempt to set fire to the toilet block.' It comes after two men were charged with using threatening or abusive language.

The helicopter which crashed killing Leicester City's chairman and four others spun out of control after a mechanism 'became disconnected,' investigators said. An Air Accident Investigation Branch report found that cockpit pedals had disconnected from the tail rotor. This caused the AW169 aircraft to turn uncontrollably to the right before it crashed near The King Power Stadium. The AAIB said that its inquiries into the 27 October crash were 'ongoing.' Leicester City chairman Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha, two members of his staff - Nusara Suknamai and Kaveporn Punpare - and the pilots Eric Swaffer and Izabela Roza Lechowicz were killed in the crash. A public memorial for Swaffer and Lechowicz - who police said was a passenger at the time of the crash - is taking place at Guildford Cathedral on Thursday. An inspection at the crash site found parts of a mechanism linking the pilot's pedals to the tail rotor had become disconnected and there was 'a build-up of black grease' on one component. The failure of the system led to the pitch of the tail rotor blades being changed 'until they reached the physical limit of their travel.' The report stated: 'The initiating cause and exact sequence of the failure that resulted in the loss of tail rotor control is being investigated as a priority.' Widely shared video footage of the helicopter's last flight, taken from inside The King Power Stadium, shows the AgustaWestland AW169 climbing normally for about forty seconds before it pauses and goes into a downward spin. The aircraft reached an altitude of approximately four hundred and thirty feet, then crashed to the ground. It was rapidly engulfed in a post-impact fire and all five people on board were killed instantly. Following the crash, the European Aviation Safety Agency ordered safety checks to be carried out on the tail rotors of AW169s and similar models.