Jonjo Shelvey's fabulous strike helped yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies earn a comfortable final day of the season victory at Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance who said farewell to the Premier League with their twenty sixth defeat of the season. It was a yet another tale of good application by The Cottagers without much bite in attack and a defence that underlined why they were the worst in the league this season. As for The Magpies, these are - with some necessary qualifications - quite good times to be a Newcastle United supporter, dear blog reader. Following a squad of players who, despite not being the greatest or most talented to have ever played for this distinguished old club, at least appear to take pride in the shirt, led by an astute and popular manager, with genuine optimism this could be the start of something special on Tyneside. Yet, in the back of everyone's mind there is fear, a nagging, sickening feeling that a disaster lurks just around the corner, that Rafael Benitez will depart and plunge the club back into the sort of crippling depression which has soured so many of the twelve years that billionaire tyrant Mike Ashley has been in charge at St James' Park. The Magpies barely broke sweat in this four-nil win, producing what the Evening Chronicle described as 'a masterclass'. Rafa The Gaffer's side were two goals up in a two-minute spell early in the first-half. Shelvey ended his year-long spell without a goal with a thunderous half-volley from just inside the area before Ayoze Pérez grabbed his thirteenth goal of the season when he scored from close range after Fulham keeper Sergio Rico failed to adequately deal with Christian Atsu's shot. Fabian Schär headed The Magpies' third just after the hour before Salomón Rondón capped off an impressive display up-front with an angled strike that produced the loudest cheer of the afternoon, the twelfth goal of the season for the big on-loan striker in what could (but, hopefully won't) be his final game for Newcastle. The Magpies finish in thirteenth place with forty five points, one more than they managed last season when finishing tenth. Fulham's newly appointed manager Scott Parker (himself a former Magpies player) has been handed the task of reinvigorating an expensively-assembled outfit that many had expected to do well in the Premier League this season following their promotion from The Championship, but which in the end failed to meet acceptable standards. In the first few minutes of the match, Parker's side tested the visiting defence with balls flung in from both wings - Aleksandar Mitrovic went close with a header that drifted a foot wide of Martin Dubravka's post. The ex-Newcastle striker also had a chance with another header that should have found the target but aside from that - and a good strike by sixteen-year-old substitute Harvey Elliott - the Slovak keeper had a fairly quiet day at the office. It has been at the defence which has been been Fulham's Achilles heel all season. Every time Newcastle attacked, Fulham looked liable to concede. Rondón's late strike was the eighty first that Fulham have conceded in the league - five more than bottom club Huddersfield. Speaking to Match Of The Day, Rafa said: 'I am really pleased. This group of players from beginning until the end have worked really hard. We never gave up, even when we were safe in the last three games they were still giving everything. We have one more point than last season but couldn't finish tenth so it proves this season has been more difficult than last season.' On his forthcoming meeting with Ashley to discuss his future, he added: 'We meet, hopefully, this week and see where we are. We have plenty of time to enjoy, I have been very clear about the potential of this club. But, now is the time to enjoy.'
Meanwhile, dear blog reader, it would appear that someone working for the BBC Sport website either can't count or doesn't understand that, in football, it's the team that scores the most goals that emerges victorious.
Elsewhere, in far less important news, Sheikh Yer Man City were crowned Premier League champions for the second year running, their four-one win at Brighton & Hove Albinos on the final day meaning that they finished one point ahead of the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws. City retained their Premier League title and, finally, ended Liverpool's magnificent challenge after surviving a scare to come from behind and outclass Brighton at The Amex Stadium. Pep Guardiola's side started the day knowing that any sort of victory would ensure they would be the first team to retain the Premiership since The Scum did so ten years ago but that any slip-up could let in their relentless pursuers Liverpool, who were hosting Wolverhampton Wanderings at Anfield. And, when Glenn Murray gave The Seagulls the lead with a glancing header after twenty seven minutes, anxiety rose in Sussex and hopes rose at Anfield that Liverpool might win their first title in twenty nine years. Sheikh Yer Man City's response was instant, emphatic and ruthless as they swept Brighton aside to end the campaign with a record fourteen successive league victories, thirty two in all, which equals the record they set last season. City may not have repeated the one hundred points that won the title last season (they ended on a mere ninety eight) but this was, arguably, an even sweeter success given the season-long battle with Liverpool. Herr Klopp's boys' two-nil victory over Wolves was Liverpool's ninth win in a row and their thirtieth overall. They finished on ninety seven points, the third-highest top flight total in English football history and an astonishing figure for a team finishing as runners-up. They had just one defeat all season and, ultimately, it was that two-one loss to City on 3 January that cost The Reds a title which many felt they thoroughly deserved.
Stottingtot Hotshots sealed a fourth-placed finish as they ended their campaign with an entertaining two-two draw against Everton. Spurs knew that a point would be enough to secure a Champions League place for a fourth successive season under Mauricio Pochettino, but they missed the opportunity to record back-to-back third-place finishes as Moscow Chelski FC were held by Leicester City. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang scored twice as The Arse beat Burnley at Turf Moor, but The Gunners failed to finish in the top four. Unai Emery's side secured fifth spot meaning they go straight into the Europa League group stage next season. They can still qualify for the Champions League if they beat Moscow Chelski FC in the Europa League final on 29 May in Baku. Nathaniel Mendez-Laing scored twice as already relegated Cardiff City won their final Premier League appearance at Old Trafford to heap yet more misery on The Scum and leave Ole Gunnar Solskjær with a face like a smacked arse. Which, to be fair, was funny. 'We're not a club that should be finishing sixth,' Solskjær whinged after the game. But, they did, dear blog reader. They did. Defeat means that The Scum have won just one of their final seven games of the season as city rivals Sheikh Yer Man City were winning the league again. So, whilst it will have been a jolly rockin' night in Manchester on Sunday, it will likely have been a really miserable one in Wiltshire, London, Essex, Australia, India and all of the other places around the globe that Manchester United's supporters live. West Hamsters United secured a top-ten finish for the first time since 2016 with a clinical four-one win over FA Cup finalists Watford at Vicarage Road. Michy Batshuayi scored twice to help Crystal Palace end the season with an entertaining five-three win over Bournemouth at Selhurst Park. The victory means that Palace finished the season in twelfth place, while Bournemouth dropped to fourteenth following Newcastle's win at Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance. Alex Pritchard capitalised on Southampton goalkeeper Angus Gunn's mistake to grab a draw for Huddersfield in their final Premier League game before dropping back into the Championship. The Terriers finished the season with a mere sixteen points, just three wins, twenty two goals and a goal different of minus fifty four.
