Thomas Müller scored a hat-trick as Germany gave Group G rivals Portugal a trousers-down Veir-Zero spanking. The Portuguese had one of their stroppy drama queens, the defender Pepe, sent off for a - rather soft - headbutt on Müller though, by that time, they were already two goals down and heading for a heavy defeat. It was a fine, controlled, ruthlessly efficient display by the three-time champions Germany, who took the lead when Müller - playing out of position as a lone striker in front of a free-flowing midfield quintet - scored from the penalty spot after Joao Pereira fouled Mario Götzee. Mats Hummels made it 2-0 soon afterwards with a powerful header, before Pepe saw red for pushing his head at Müller in a threatening manner. Müller added his second with a side-footed finish and completed the impressive victory by poking in from close range in the last ten minutes. The incident which saw Pepe dismissed caused plenty of kerfuffle in the ITV studio with the loathsome horrorshow (and drag) Chiles whinging like a bit fat greed bucket and sacked breakfast TV flop about what a right shite state of affairs all of this malarkey was. Certainly, Müller appeared to go down over-dramatically after Pepe's hand came into contact with his face. But, Pepe's subsequent tantrum which climaxed with him hoying the heed into the German's general vicinity (albeit, not very hard) gave the referee no option but to send him off. The twenty four-year-old Müller scored five goals to win the Golden Boot in South Africa four years ago and he took his total at this tournament to eight with a sensational performance in the 'false nine' position. The result was wrapped up with plenty of time to spare, putting Germany in pole position to dominate Group G and fuelling hopes of a first World Cup triumph since 1990. Although Joachim Löw's men had won each of the last three meetings between these sides, including at the same stage of Euro 2012, Portugal actually made a decent start, with Ronaldo strutting around like he owned the place. The Real Madrid forward was troubled by knee and thigh problems in the build-up, but showed no sign of any discomfort. At least, until the first goal went in for the Germans. His break set up Hugo Almeida for a weak shot, before the two-time Ballon D'or winner beat Per Mertesacker and drew an alert save from Manuel Neuer. That scare seemed to spark Germany into life. Sami Khedira missed an open goal after a poor clearance by the Portuguese goalkeeper Rui Patricio, but the opener soon arrived. Müller, Mesut Özil and Mario Götze were causing Portugal all manner of problems and, when the latter was hauled down after forcing his way past João Pereira, referee Milorad Mazic pointed to the spot. 
The penalty was tucked into the bottom corner by Müller. That settled Germany into a rhythm, executing their four-two-one-two-one formation far better than Portugal, looking solid at the back and capable of threatening every time they came forward, with pace. Nani drilled a rare Portugal effort narrowly over the bar, but Götze almost doubled the lead with a shot that was deflected wide. Then, from Toni Kroos's resultant corner, Hummels exploited Portugal's sloppy zonal marking to head powerfully past Patricio. Portugal briefly rallied, Fabio Coentrao inexplicably tried to cross for Ronaldo when he should have shot and Eder - on for the injured Almeida - headed over. But any hopes they harboured of a comeback were dashed when Müller fell after what looked like a flailing arm from Pepe had caught him in the mush. Pepe reacted by bending down and nudging his head against that of the German. Portugal coach Bento seemed appalled at the Real Madrid defender's actions, and Portugal's afternoon deteriorated further when Bruno Alves struck a clearance straight into the body of Müller, who reacted sharply to lash a shot under Patricio. The contrast on the two benches as the half-time whistle blew was stark - all smiles and high-fives among the Germans, bowed heads, dejection and faces like a smacked arse among the Portuguese - and the interval did little to change things. The Müller-Özil-Götze combination continued to wreak havoc and they combined again as Götze slipped Özil though, but The Arse playmaker was denied by Patricio and Müller headed the rebound over. The only downside for Löw's side was a knee injury to Hummels but Portugal had plenty to ponder, not least the irate Ronaldo, who was furious not to earn a penalty for Benedikt Höwedes challenge on Eder and got all stroppy and discombobulated like a Big Girl with the referee. Their day would get worse still, though, when Müller completed the rout after substitute André Schürrle's drive was repelled. Oh, and Angela Merkel was there and got jolly excited. Which was nice.
'Well, we were due a dud sooner or later,' Gary Lineker told BBC viewers as, after twelve really very good matches in the 2014 World Cup over the first four days, thirteen proved to be one game too far. Iran and a hugely disappointing Nigeria served up a drab, quality free goalless bore draw in Curitiba. Nigeria dominated possession but created few chances against a disciplined side managed by ex-The Scum coach Carlos Queiroz. The Super Eagles' best opportunities came in the first half when Ogenyi Onazi fired a yard wide before Ahmed Musa went close with a free-kick. Iran's Reza Ghoochannejad forced once great save from Vincent Enyeama. And that was pretty much it as far as the action was concerned. African champions Nigeria were fancied to go through with Argentina from the group, but the pressure is now on them to beat the section's only European side, Bosnia, who so impressed in their first ever World Cup match on Sunday. Iran, on the other hand, will be buoyed by this result. 
They performed diligently, with Queiroz getting the best out of a group of players who stuck rigidly to the unambitious tactics employed. Their conservative approach, with midfielders Javad Nekounam and Andranik Timotian as an extra line of defence for the backline, frustrated Nigeria. Stephen Keshi's side were limited to only a couple of chances despite having the lion's share of possession. The first fell to Lazio forward Onazi, who slammed his shot wide before Musa almost caught out goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi with his quick thinking from a free-kick. Ironically, Iran had the best chance to score despite their only effort on goal coming when Charlton Not Very Athletic's Ghoochannejad, who spent much of his career to date playing in the Dutch and Belgian leagues, forced a excellent reaction save from Enyeama, playing in his third World Cup. Keshi - the mastermind behind Nigeria's unexpected Cup of Nations win last year - tinkered with his attack after the break by bringing on former Newcastle stalwart Big Shola Ameobi and Peter Odemwingie of Dirty Stoke. The tactical swaps almost paid dividends in the seventy first minute, when Ameobi - almost certainly the first person who went to the same school as this blogger to appear in a World Cup finals - headed wide from eight yards. 'You'd expect him to hit the target from there,' claimed Kevin Kilbane commentating on the BBC. Not if you've spent the last fourteen years watching Big Shola's singular inability to head a ball on target from the Gallowgate End you wouldn't, Kev. The former Magpie had another chance in the closing minutes, but on that occasion his header was easily cleared by Mehrdad Pooladi. That draw now means Nigeria have not won a World Cup match in nine attempts - the longest streak in the competition.
John Brooks headed a late winner for the USA in a dramatic finale to their opening Group G game against Ghana. Clint Dempsey put USA ahead on twenty nine seconds with the fifth-fastest goal in World Cup history, cutting inside John Boye before sweeping home. Ghana upped the tempo and equalised when Andre Ayew latched on to Asamoah Gyan's backheel to fire in a leveller. USA looked tired but Brooks nodded in from six yards following a corner to give his side a winning start. The victory also gave the Americans a measure of revenge for being knocked out of the past two World Cups by Ghana. Ghana exited the World Cup four years ago in tears, when Gyan's missed penalty in the last minute of extra-time against Uruguay denied them the chance to become the first African side to reach the semi-finals. They fell behind within the first minute, Dempsey collecting a Jermaine Jones pass on the left wing, cut inside right-back Boye and shot into the far corner.
Ghana struggled to mount a response as the USA consolidated their lead with a work-rate and organisation that kept their rivals at bay. Indeed, Jurgen Klinsmann's side should have extended their lead. Striker Jozy Altidore controlled a low, right-wing cross but his shot from ten yards was blocked by Boye. That was Altidore's last major act of the game, a hamstring injury seeing him replaced by Aron Johannsson. USA centre-back Matt Besler also left the field injured, and his exit, combined with Ghana increasing the pace of their play, resulted in the Black Stars piling the pressure on Tim Howard's goal. Most of the chances fell to Gyan, but he nodded high from ten yards when unmarked before having another header tipped wide by Howard. Gyan may not have scored, but he set up his side's equaliser as his lovely backheel teed up Ayew to shoot home with the outside of his right foot. It seemed Ghana might have enough time to engineer a winner, but Hertha Berlin defender Brooks had other ideas, and his first international goal following Graham Zusi's corner proved decisive.
The BBC has, reportedly, received four hundred and forty five complaints from viewers - seemingly, with nothing better to do with their time - about Phil Neville's commentary on England's World Cup match against Italy. Neville, the former The Scum and Everton player, was criticised for his 'lack of emotion' and 'monotone' style. In response, Neville told BBC Radio 5Live that the TV role was 'a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.' Despite the complaints, the BBC said the footballer would continue to play 'a key role throughout the tournament.' A spokesperson added Neville - who is currently a coach for The Scum and has received broadcast training - was 'an important, well-respected member of our team.' Neville told sports presenter Mark Chapman that he 'welcomed' the feedback on his performance: 'In terms of the content I got out, I thought [it] was quite good. But the feedback is that I need to show a bit more excitement, so I think you'll see that more on Thursday night in the highlights show. I will get better - it was my first live gig and I'm just glad I helped everyone get to sleep back home!' The broadcaster Danny Baker was among his critics but said that the BBC should share the blame. 'Phil Neville has acknowledged he wasn't great during England commentary - but what were the BBC doing giving him that game to "learn his craft?"' he said.
Russia coach Fabio Capello has banned his players from using Twitter during the World Cup. The Italian, whose team face South Korea in their opening Group H match on Tuesday, insisted he was not cutting off contact with fans and media. The sixty seven-year-old former England boss said: 'Tweets sometimes can be a nuisance if they are not written in an intelligent fashion. To prevent such a nuisance, I'd rather ask my players to abstain for a month.' Capello, who failed to guide England past the second round at the 2010 World Cup, celebrates his sixty eighth birthday on Wednesday. He added: 'I never expect presents from anyone or anywhere.'
And finally, good old mad as toast Mario Balotelli has shared his vision of an Italy all-star World Cup team, filling up the squad's pages in this year's Panini sticker album with images of himself. The striker, who headed in the Azzurri's winning goal in Saturday's 2-1 victory over England and is, of course, no stranger to self-referential humour, placed the stickers on each of his team-mates' spaces in the book before posting the result on his official Facebook page on Monday, accompanied by the now-familiar meme: 'Why always me?' His splurge will come as a particular blow to avid collectors seeking sticker number three hundred and thirty five to complete their set: judging by the boxes and discarded stickers of other players, strewn around the album on his photograph, it took no small amount of effort to acquire the fourteen stickers necessary to complete a team of Balotellis.
The penalty was tucked into the bottom corner by Müller. That settled Germany into a rhythm, executing their four-two-one-two-one formation far better than Portugal, looking solid at the back and capable of threatening every time they came forward, with pace. Nani drilled a rare Portugal effort narrowly over the bar, but Götze almost doubled the lead with a shot that was deflected wide. Then, from Toni Kroos's resultant corner, Hummels exploited Portugal's sloppy zonal marking to head powerfully past Patricio. Portugal briefly rallied, Fabio Coentrao inexplicably tried to cross for Ronaldo when he should have shot and Eder - on for the injured Almeida - headed over. But any hopes they harboured of a comeback were dashed when Müller fell after what looked like a flailing arm from Pepe had caught him in the mush. Pepe reacted by bending down and nudging his head against that of the German. Portugal coach Bento seemed appalled at the Real Madrid defender's actions, and Portugal's afternoon deteriorated further when Bruno Alves struck a clearance straight into the body of Müller, who reacted sharply to lash a shot under Patricio. The contrast on the two benches as the half-time whistle blew was stark - all smiles and high-fives among the Germans, bowed heads, dejection and faces like a smacked arse among the Portuguese - and the interval did little to change things. The Müller-Özil-Götze combination continued to wreak havoc and they combined again as Götze slipped Özil though, but The Arse playmaker was denied by Patricio and Müller headed the rebound over. The only downside for Löw's side was a knee injury to Hummels but Portugal had plenty to ponder, not least the irate Ronaldo, who was furious not to earn a penalty for Benedikt Höwedes challenge on Eder and got all stroppy and discombobulated like a Big Girl with the referee. Their day would get worse still, though, when Müller completed the rout after substitute André Schürrle's drive was repelled. Oh, and Angela Merkel was there and got jolly excited. Which was nice.
They performed diligently, with Queiroz getting the best out of a group of players who stuck rigidly to the unambitious tactics employed. Their conservative approach, with midfielders Javad Nekounam and Andranik Timotian as an extra line of defence for the backline, frustrated Nigeria. Stephen Keshi's side were limited to only a couple of chances despite having the lion's share of possession. The first fell to Lazio forward Onazi, who slammed his shot wide before Musa almost caught out goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi with his quick thinking from a free-kick. Ironically, Iran had the best chance to score despite their only effort on goal coming when Charlton Not Very Athletic's Ghoochannejad, who spent much of his career to date playing in the Dutch and Belgian leagues, forced a excellent reaction save from Enyeama, playing in his third World Cup. Keshi - the mastermind behind Nigeria's unexpected Cup of Nations win last year - tinkered with his attack after the break by bringing on former Newcastle stalwart Big Shola Ameobi and Peter Odemwingie of Dirty Stoke. The tactical swaps almost paid dividends in the seventy first minute, when Ameobi - almost certainly the first person who went to the same school as this blogger to appear in a World Cup finals - headed wide from eight yards. 'You'd expect him to hit the target from there,' claimed Kevin Kilbane commentating on the BBC. Not if you've spent the last fourteen years watching Big Shola's singular inability to head a ball on target from the Gallowgate End you wouldn't, Kev. The former Magpie had another chance in the closing minutes, but on that occasion his header was easily cleared by Mehrdad Pooladi. That draw now means Nigeria have not won a World Cup match in nine attempts - the longest streak in the competition.John Brooks headed a late winner for the USA in a dramatic finale to their opening Group G game against Ghana. Clint Dempsey put USA ahead on twenty nine seconds with the fifth-fastest goal in World Cup history, cutting inside John Boye before sweeping home. Ghana upped the tempo and equalised when Andre Ayew latched on to Asamoah Gyan's backheel to fire in a leveller. USA looked tired but Brooks nodded in from six yards following a corner to give his side a winning start. The victory also gave the Americans a measure of revenge for being knocked out of the past two World Cups by Ghana. Ghana exited the World Cup four years ago in tears, when Gyan's missed penalty in the last minute of extra-time against Uruguay denied them the chance to become the first African side to reach the semi-finals. They fell behind within the first minute, Dempsey collecting a Jermaine Jones pass on the left wing, cut inside right-back Boye and shot into the far corner.
Ghana struggled to mount a response as the USA consolidated their lead with a work-rate and organisation that kept their rivals at bay. Indeed, Jurgen Klinsmann's side should have extended their lead. Striker Jozy Altidore controlled a low, right-wing cross but his shot from ten yards was blocked by Boye. That was Altidore's last major act of the game, a hamstring injury seeing him replaced by Aron Johannsson. USA centre-back Matt Besler also left the field injured, and his exit, combined with Ghana increasing the pace of their play, resulted in the Black Stars piling the pressure on Tim Howard's goal. Most of the chances fell to Gyan, but he nodded high from ten yards when unmarked before having another header tipped wide by Howard. Gyan may not have scored, but he set up his side's equaliser as his lovely backheel teed up Ayew to shoot home with the outside of his right foot. It seemed Ghana might have enough time to engineer a winner, but Hertha Berlin defender Brooks had other ideas, and his first international goal following Graham Zusi's corner proved decisive. The BBC has, reportedly, received four hundred and forty five complaints from viewers - seemingly, with nothing better to do with their time - about Phil Neville's commentary on England's World Cup match against Italy. Neville, the former The Scum and Everton player, was criticised for his 'lack of emotion' and 'monotone' style. In response, Neville told BBC Radio 5Live that the TV role was 'a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.' Despite the complaints, the BBC said the footballer would continue to play 'a key role throughout the tournament.' A spokesperson added Neville - who is currently a coach for The Scum and has received broadcast training - was 'an important, well-respected member of our team.' Neville told sports presenter Mark Chapman that he 'welcomed' the feedback on his performance: 'In terms of the content I got out, I thought [it] was quite good. But the feedback is that I need to show a bit more excitement, so I think you'll see that more on Thursday night in the highlights show. I will get better - it was my first live gig and I'm just glad I helped everyone get to sleep back home!' The broadcaster Danny Baker was among his critics but said that the BBC should share the blame. 'Phil Neville has acknowledged he wasn't great during England commentary - but what were the BBC doing giving him that game to "learn his craft?"' he said.
And finally, good old mad as toast Mario Balotelli has shared his vision of an Italy all-star World Cup team, filling up the squad's pages in this year's Panini sticker album with images of himself. The striker, who headed in the Azzurri's winning goal in Saturday's 2-1 victory over England and is, of course, no stranger to self-referential humour, placed the stickers on each of his team-mates' spaces in the book before posting the result on his official Facebook page on Monday, accompanied by the now-familiar meme: 'Why always me?' His splurge will come as a particular blow to avid collectors seeking sticker number three hundred and thirty five to complete their set: judging by the boxes and discarded stickers of other players, strewn around the album on his photograph, it took no small amount of effort to acquire the fourteen stickers necessary to complete a team of Balotellis.
