And, When They Were Up They Were Up!

With just a couple of weeks left in the 2017-18 footerball season, dear blog reader, things are becoming ever clearer with regard to the various races for trophies, promotions, play-offs and relegations in all five divisions of the English Footerball League and all that. In the Premier League, of course, Sheikh Yer Man City were already crowned Champions a couple of weeks ago and now the only question is will they break Moscow Chelski FC's existing records for the most points, wins and goals in a Premier League season. One would not back against Pep Guadiola's boys, frankly. The Scum, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Stottingtot Hotshots are all-but confirmed for Champions League qualification although Moscow Chelski FC still have a vague chance of a top four finish, though they are five points behind Spurs with four games remaining. Below them, The Arse and Burnley will qualify for the Europa League finishing in sixth and seventh respectively. At the bottom, West Bromwich Albinos could have been relegated on Saturday but their victory at Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies (who, after a good recent run have suddenly started playing like a bunch of girls again) means that they still have a slim chance of avoiding the drop. As do both Dirty Stoke (who gained a vital point at Anfield to take them to thirty points) and Southampton (whose win at home to Bournemouth took them to thirty two). Southampton are now just a point behind Swansea, albeit The Swans have a game in hand over The Saints. Don't count out Huddersfield, beaten at home by Everton on Saturday, also getting sucked into the relegation melee. Although they have thirty five points, their three remaining games are against Sheikh Yer Man City, Moscow Chelski FC and The Arse and results elsewhere could yet drag The Terriers down among the dead men. West Hamsters United are also on thirty five points but should be safe with four games remaining. As is the case with the Premiership, the Championship title was already wrapped up with Wolverhampton Wanderings claiming the honours, so the race for promotion remains the main focus. Cardiff (eighty nine points) and Fulham (eighty eight) are fighting for the second automatic promotion place. Cardiff host Reading on the last day of the Championship season next Sunday whilst Fulham visit Birmingham with both opponents still in danger of being relegated. Aston Villains and The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters will join either Cardiff or Fulham in the play-offs along with Derby County although Preston Both Ends and Millwall both still have slight chances of snatching the final play-off place if Derby slip up. The Rams could have confirmed their place in the play-offs with victory over Aston Villains but a late Lewis Grabban equaliser meant that Derby still need a point from their final game at home to Barnsley. At the bottom, Blunderland were relegated last week but the other two relegation places could go to any one of five clubs - Reading and Birmingham (both with forty three points), Barnsley and Burton Albinos (both forty one) and Notlob (forty). Blackburn Vindaloo's defeat at Charlton and Wigan Not Very Athletic's home draw with AFC Wimbledon meant that the League One title is still to be decided and will go to the final day of the season. Wigan are away to Doncaster next Saturday whilst Blackburn entertain Oxford. Given their vastly superior goal difference, a point would be enough to take the title to Wigan. Shrewsbury and Rotherham are confirmed for the play-offs, Charlton (seventy one points) and Scunthorpe (seventy) should join them although Plymouth Argyle (sixty eight) still have a chance to grab the final place; both they are Scunthorpe have two games remaining - one of which is against each other on Tuesday at Glanford Park - whilst Charlton visit Rochdale on the final day. With Bury and MK Dons already relegated, Northampton's defeat at Walsall meant that The Cobblers are also - barring a mathematical miracle - going down. The final relegation place is between Rochdale (forty eight points), Oldham Not Very Athletic (forty nine) and Wimbledon and Walsall (fifty one) although both of the latter have two games remaining whilst Rochdale and Oldham have only one (the former at home to Charlton whilst the latter visit Northampton). The League Two title was decided this weekend in one of the genuine stories of the season, via Accrington Stanley's victory over Lincoln. The promotion places are already decided too, with Luton and Wycombe Wanderings joining Stanley in League One. The play-offs will be contested between Exeter, Notts County, Coventry City and either Lincoln (who only need another point) or Mansfield, who must beat Crawley Town next week and hope that Lincoln lose to Yeovil. At the bottom, Chesterfield were already relegated from the League for the first time since 1922. Barnet (forty three points) are favourites to join them in the National League, although victory in their final game against Chesterfield and a defeat for Morecambe (on forty five points) at Coventry would change all that. Macclesfield were confirmed as the run-away National League champions some time ago, meaning they return to League football for the first time since they were relegated from League Two in 2012. Tranmere Rovers, Sutton United, Boreham Wood, Aldershot, Ebbsfleet and AFC Fylde all make the - fiendishly complicated - National League play-offs to decided the second side to go up to League Two. Dover missed out despite winning at Woking. Guiseley, Chester, Torquay and Woking are all relegated to the National Leagues North and South which form the sixth level of the EFL pyramid.

Fulham owner Shahid Khan has made an offer, thought to be worth a total of eight hundred million knicker, to buy Wembley Stadium from the Football Association. It is understood that Khan's bid includes five hundred million quid for the stadium and three hundred million for the FA to keep the Club Wembley debenture and hospitality business. The FA board discussed the approach at a meeting on Thursday. 'We would strive to be the best possible steward for a venue that is iconic,' said Khan. The owner of NFL side Jacksonville Jaguars added: 'Wembley would return to private ownership and The Football Association would be able to focus on its core mission of developing players. I trust many if not most of you are also supporters of the England national teams, so I hope you welcome the potential of this becoming a reality.' Fulham coach Slavisa Jokanovic said at a news conference on Thursday that Khan told him 'about his plan a year-and-a-half ago. He's very ambitious.' BBC Sport suggests that selling Wembley would allow the FA to make a major investment into football at grassroots level. The ninety thousand-seat stadium, which is the largest in the United Kingdom, cost seven hundred and fifty seven million smackers to build and opened in 2007. The FA said in January it would finish paying for the ground by the end of 2024. Stottingtot Hotshots have played their home Premier League games at Wembley this season whilst work on their new stadium takes place. Spurs also have a deal with the NFL to stage a minimum of two games a season over ten years once their new stadium is complete. Sottingtot Hotshots' chairman, Daniel Levy, said that the link-up with the NFL was 'a compelling and exciting partnership.' NFL executive vice-president Mark Waller said having stadium options in London has been 'critical to the NFL.' His statement added: 'The potential purchase of Wembley Stadium is a further powerful sign of their commitment to the UK and their vision to help us grow the sport. This new relationship would allow for even greater flexibility in scheduling future NFL games in London.'

Zlatan Ibrahimovic will not be coming out of retirement to play for Sweden at the 2018 World Cup in Russia. The LA Galaxy and former The Scum striker said recently that he would attend the tournament but would not say in what capacity. Swedish FA chief Lars Richt said: 'I talked to Zlatan on Tuesday. He announced he did not change his mind about the national team - it is no.' Ibrahimovic retired from international football after Euro 2016. The Swede, who also played for Ajax, Barcelona, Juventus and Inter Milan, scored sixty two goals in one hundred and sixteen games for his country and appeared at World Cups in 2002 and 2006. And, despite a knee injury plaguing his final season at The Scum, he showed he still had form by netting a brilliant strike in his LA Galaxy debut last month after joining the Major League Soccer side in March. Sweden qualified for Russia 2018 without him, beating Italy in a play-off to secure their qualification. It will be the team's first World Cup since 2006 after missing out on the 2010 and 2014 tournaments.

Blunderland manager Chris Coleman says that he 'doesn't know' where want-away midfielder Jack Rodwell is, mentally. The already-relegated Mackem Filth travelled to promotion-chasing Fulham in the Championship on Friday - and lost, two-one - but long-term absentee Rodwell did not feature. 'I don't even know where Jack is, to be honest with you. So no, he won't be involved [at Fulham],' Coleman said. Afterwards, Coleman clarified that he was referring to Rodwell's mental state rather than his actual whereabouts. The former Everton and Sheikh Yer Man City midfielder reportedly earning seventy grand-a-week at the Stadium of Plight, is currently training with Blunderland's Under-Twenty Three squad. Rodwell has not made a senior appearance for Blunderland since September and has asked to leave the club he joined for ten million knicker from Sheikh Yer Man City in August 2014. Sunderland offered to tear up his contract earlier this season, but Rodwell decided to stay and collect his, massive, weekly wage packet. His current deal, set to expire in the summer of 2019, does not include Blunderland's usual forty per cent wage reduction clause following relegation. In a newspaper interview in January, Rodwell insisted that he was 'fit and available' for selection and said it would be 'unfair' to ask him to walk away from a lucrative contract. Coleman believes that he does not want to play for Blunderland again. The former Wales boss added: 'I'm quite sure we've gone down the legal route of that situation and we're stuck with a player that doesn't want to play for Sunderland Football Club and wants to leave. But then where's he going to leave and go to? There's the conundrum.' Rodwell has made only fifty three starts for the Black Cats, with only three league appearances coming this season.

Fußball-Club Bayern München have been charged by UEFA after fans ran onto the pitch at the end of their Champions League semi-final first-leg defeat by Real Madrid. The German champions, who were beaten two-one, have also been charged over an offensive banner which was displayed at the Allianz Arena. One supporter grabbed the shirt of Bayern forward Franck Ribery, whilst another took a selfie with some of the Real Madrid players after the final whistle. This case will be dealt with on 31 May.

Germany and Turkey have both confirmed their bids to host the 2024 European Championship finals. The German Football Association submitted its application on Tuesday, with the Turkish Football Federation following suit on Thursday. UEFA will announce the host nation on 27 September. Euro 2024 will return to a single-host format, after Euro 2020 is held in twelve cities across Europe. Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland had considered a joint bid but did not proceed - the deadline for applications was 27 April. The DFB withdrew its application to host the semi-finals and final of Euro 2020 to focus on this bid, ensuring the English Football Association unanimously won the vote, with Wembley hosting all three matches. 'I am certain that we will once again feel great enthusiasm and create a new spirit of solidarity at Euro 2024,' said former Germany defender Philipp Lahm, who is a DFB bid ambassador. West Germany hosted the 1974 World Cup and 1988 European Championship, while the 2006 World Cup was held in Germany. The Germans first announced their intention to bid for Euro 2024 in 2013 before officially declaring 'an interest' last year. 'We are building bridges between people of different nations, and are making an important contribution to bringing alive both the values of football and those of a modern civil society,' added DFB president Reinhard Grindel. Turkey has never hosted a major tournament, after unsuccessful bids to jointly host Euro 2008 with Greece and the 2012 and 2016 finals on its own. 'It's now our time and we are ready to share together with the whole of Europe,' said TFF president Yildirim Demiroren. 'All guarantees are given without any reservations, including some additional and innovative guarantees that will ensure the financial success of the tournament - thereby benefiting all UEFA member associations.' Euro 2024 is expected to use the twenty four-team format introduced for Euro 2016, which was won by Portugal.

The Daily Scum Express has grovelling apologised after it published 'an ill-informed and wrong' article suggesting that Liverpool fans 'shared responsibility' for violence before their Champions League semi-final match. The article, which was described as 'an appalling slur' by the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson, was published on the paper's website after Sean Cox, a Liverpool supporter, was left seriously injured after an alleged - and, seemingly unprovoked - attack by Roma fans before the game at Anfield on Tuesday evening. Cox is currently in an induced coma in hospital. Filippo Lombardi has been charged with violent disorder and causing grievous bodily harm and Daniele Sciusco was charged with violent disorder. Both men are from Rome. In the article, which has since been deleted, the journalist Colin Mafham wrote that trouble 'seemed to follow' Liverpool fans like 'bees round a honey pot.' Mafham said he feared that after the stadium disasters at Heysel and Hillsborough, the latest generation of the club's supporters 'could well add another chapter to England's footballing book of condolences.' A statement on the Scum Express website said: 'This article was ill-informed and wrong. It did not, in any way, reflect the views of the Express.' One or two people even believed them. 'It should never have been written and was very quickly removed. We unconditionally apologise, both for the article itself and any offence, understandably, caused. The journalist who wrote the piece was immediately suspended. Express.co.uk is conducting an inquiry into how the article came to be published on our website.' In the comment piece with the headline Liverpool must take serious action after Roma violence or risk further trouble, Mafham wrote: 'You would have thought the deaths of thirty nine Italians at the European Cup final Liverpool lost to Juventus in 1985, plus the five-year ban on English clubs that consequently came after that, would have had a sobering effect. You would have thought the horrors at Hillsborough and ninety six more deaths that followed only four years later would have made everyone more aware of their responsibilities to each other. Those two tragedies, in which the central figures were sadly mostly from Liverpool, are arguably football's most painful Achilles and hopefully will never happen again. So why do I fear that the latest generation of that club’s supporters could well add another chapter to England's footballing book of condolences?' He added: 'When you have a team capable of playing the joyous football Liverpool have for most of this season, how on earth are their fans always seemingly involved in such horrific altercations on big European nights. Why does trouble seem to follow them like bees round a honey pot?' Writing on Twitter on Thursday night, Anderson asked why the paper thought it 'acceptable' to publish the article, two years to the day of the Hillsborough verdict. He called on the Scum Express editor, Gary Jones, to 'face the city and apologise.' Anderson later tweeted that he had received 'a really passionate, sincere [and] heartfelt apology' from Jones and that 'the journalist concerned has rightly been suspended and an investigation is being held.'

The Professional Footballers' Association says that no complaint was made by Harry Kane or his family about a joke told by its chairman Ben Purkiss at the union's awards ceremony last Sunday. It was widely reported -albeit, not by anyone that you'd trust as far as you can spit - that Kane and his 'camp' were 'unhappy' with Purkiss' remark that the England striker was 'so prolific that he is able to score without touching the ball.' This was a reference to the goal Kane claimed against Dirty Stoke earlier this month, with Stottingtot Hotshots launching a successful appeal to have the goal credited to him after Kane claimed to have got the slightest touch to a Christian Eriksen effort. One or two people even believed him. It was reported - although, again, not by anyone with the slightest bit of credibility - that Purkiss' position at the PFA was 'under threat' but a statement from the union released on Thursday read: 'In response to recent media coverage we can confirm that no complaints have been received by the PFA from Harry Kane, Harry's representatives or Harry's family. At no point has any party demanded an apology. Out of courtesy our chairman Ben Purkiss contacted Harry personally to explain that the comment had been taken out of context. Harry has not expressed any concern at all about any comments and appreciated the joke. Furthermore Harry was categorically not at the event. We hope this brings an end to all the widespread inaccuracies. All concerned would now like to draw a line under this matter and move on.'

US President - and hairdo - Donald Trump has warned nations opposing the North American bid for the 2026 World Cup they risk losing the United States' political support. FIFA has received a bid from Morocco and a joint bid from the United States, Canada and Mexico to host the tournament - which will follow Qatar 2022. Trump issued his support for the shared North American proposal ahead of the final decision, which will be made at a FIFA Congress in Moscow on 13 June. 'The US has put together a strong bid w[ith] Canada & Mexico for the 2026 World Cup,' Trump blustered on Twitter. 'It would be a shame if countries that we always support were to lobby against the US bid. Why should we be supporting these countries when they don't support us (including at the United Nations)?' Trump's comments could - indeed, almost certainly are - in breach of FIFA's rules on political interference regarding World Cup bids. Football's world governing body promised a 'fair, objective and transparent' decision process last month, following suggestions by Moroccan bid chairman Moulay Hafid Elalamy that FIFA was 'privately backing' the North American proposal. Whether FIFA - a hypocritical bunch of corrupt gangsters at the best of times - will have the stones to stand up to Trump and tell him where to stick his opinions is, of course, an entirely separate matter. The North American bid boasts large stadiums and an excellent infrastructure but is no certainty to win the June vote. The Morocco bid is expected to receive strong backing from FIFA's African and Middle East countries. France plans to back Morocco, the country's football federation president told local media recently, while Russia, which will host the 2018 tournament has said it will also vote for the North African nation's bid. The chairman of the North American bid, Sunil Gulati, said in January that 'political factors' were complicating the effort. 'This will be a tough battle,' he said. 'This is not only about our stadiums and our hotels and all of that. It’s about the perception of America, and it's a difficult time in the world. There are only certain things we can control. We can't control what happens on the thirty eighth parallel in Korea. We can't control what happens with embassies in Tel Aviv and we can't control what happens with climate-change reports. We do the best we can.' Africa hosted the World Cup in 2010 - in South Africa - but the Northern part of that continent has never been involved in hosting and Morocco has had several previous attempts. The controversial nature of Trump's regime and his strong stance on immigration are considered potentially damaging to the bid, although it should be remembered that Trump would be out of office by 2026, even if he were to serve two terms.

The Stadium Of Plight

You think your football team is, to use that most cliched of phrases, 'a club in crisis' dear blog reader? Are they reported to be over one hundred and fifty million pounds in debt, saddled with an expensively-assembled squad of overpaid cowardly mercenaries, with an owner who can't, seemingly, give the club away and looking forward to visits to Fleetwood and Accrington next year? Yes, dear blog reader, Blunderland were very relegated for the second season in succession on Saturday after Liam Boyce's late, late header gave Burton Albino's own survival hopes a huge lift. Burton were a goal down with five minutes to play after Paddy McNair's low first-half strike. Darren Bent scored against his old club to level from close range and Boyce's goal silenced the home support. The Mackem Filth did have the ball in the net in injury time but it was ruled out and ended their Championship status. Blunderland's tumble into the third tier caps a disastrous last two seasons on Wearside, having gone from ten years of Premier League stability to slide into the third tier for the first time in thirty years. Chris Coleman was brought to the club in November tasked with keeping the club in the Championship, inheriting a side bottom of the table with just one win. Despite making improvements in terms of performances, the former Wales boss was unable to turn form around with just five league wins since his arrival. And, in his post-match press conference, a bewildered-looking Coleman confessed that he had 'no idea' as to where the club go next. Apart from League One, obviously. And, to those Mackem supporters who, loudly, celebrated this blogger's beloved (though still unsellable) Magpies relegation misfortunes two years ago, a necessary reminder of the laws of Karma and the age-old truism that what goes around comes around.

Championship winners Wolverhampton Wanderings have had their relationship with super agent Jorge Mendes approved by the EFL, who deem him as 'not a relevant person.' Wolves were 'invited' to meet with the EFL over the close bond between club owners Fosun and Mendes, following criticism from Championship rivals. But the EFL have made 'a comprehensive review' of details provided by Wolves. And, they have concluded that 'there is no requirement' for Mendes to submit to the owners' and directors' test. As well as The Scum manager Jose Mourinho and Real Madrid's Cristiano Ronaldo, Mendes acts for Wolves head coach Nuno and two of the club's fellow Portuguese players, Ruben Neves and Diogo Jota.

Dirty Leeds owner Andrea Radrizzani has said that the decision to go on a post-season tour of Myanmar was 'carefully considered.' The Championship side are scheduled to play fixtures on 9 and 11 May in the country, where families have fled their homes because of military operations. Shadow sports minister Doctor Rosena Allin-Khan called the trip 'morally corrupt.' However, Radrizzani said he believes that the trip can 'have a positive impact on the local community.' And, on his bank balance, obviously. Dirty Leeds are due to face a Myanmar National League All-Star team in Yangon and the country's national team in Mandalay. In those areas, the Foreign and Commonwealth Office guidance is to 'check travel advice before travelling.' The FCO advises against 'all but essential travel' in some other areas of Myanmar. Nearly seven hundred thousand of Myanmar's Rohingya Muslim minority have fled the country since August because of ongoing military operations in Rakhine. The United Nations described the issues in the Northern Rakhine province as 'a textbook example of ethnic cleansing.' Radrizzani said that he was 'aware' of the 'serious issues' in the country but that it was 'a beautiful place filled with incredibly warm and welcoming people.' He added: 'This was a carefully considered decision and we knew it would be controversial, but this is about people not governments. It has never been my intention, nor that of the club, to get involved in a political debate in Myanmar. However, if because of the tour we further highlight the ongoing serious issues in certain areas of the country, then maybe that is a positive thing.' U Ko Ko Thein, general secretary of the Myanmar Football Federation, told Myanmar Frontier that the tour would 'help us to showcase our passion for the game abroad.'

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United winger Rolando Aarons has admitted affray over a brawl in a bar's VIP area. Bottles were thrown and weapons used when Aarons and his family and friends clashed with at least five men in Livello on Newcastle's Quayside. The twenty two-year-old, his mother Joan Jacob and four others were charged with violent disorder. However, prosecutors accepted guilty pleas to the lesser charge of affray. Newcastle Crown Court heard that the October 2016 fight happened at about 2am and lasted ninety seconds. Aarons and his group had been celebrating a birthday. CCTV showed the melee 'blew up out of nowhere,' Judge Edward Bindloss said. A member of the other group was the first to throw an item, he added and one man in that party suffered a 'nasty' head injury when door staff intervened. Aarons and his mother, both of Montagu Avenue, Gosforth, were charged along with his cousin Garfield White a serving prisoner formerly of Wordsworth Road, Bristol. Aarons' friends Kallum Phillips and Jamar Collins,also from Bristol, faced the same charge. Action against White's sister Sabrina, was dropped after it was accepted she had 'acted as a peacemaker.' The judge granted all defendants bail, except White, ahead of sentencing on 22 May. Aarons, who was born in Jamaica and raised in Bristol, joined The Magpies in 2012. He suffered several injury set-backs and has been loaned out to Hellas Verona in Italy during the current season.

One of FIFA's most senior executives, Fatma Samoura, has been reported to the organisation's powerful ethics committee. Samoura, who was appointed secretary general of football's world governing body by its president Gianni Infantino in 2016, is accused of alleged breaches of its ethics code relating to 'duty of disclosure, co-operation and reporting' and 'conflicts of interest.' The claims stem from allegations relating to Morocco's bid to host the 2026 World Cup. The North African country wants to host the tournament but is up against a North American joint effort comprising Canada, the USA and Mexico. Members of a FIFA World Cup evaluation taskforce - which recently visited the bidding countries - are said to have 'discovered' an 'undeclared family link' between Samoura and the former Liverpool forward El Hadji Diouf, who is working in 'an ambassadorial role' for the Moroccan bid. Both Samoura and Diouf are from Senegal. They are both now the subject of an ethics complaint. A senior - though anonymous - FIFA 'source' has allegedly told BBC Sport that the allegation is 'tenuous', while Samoura said she is 'fully aware of this upcoming complaint' and has 'a good idea who is conveying this message.' She added: 'The whole country of Senegal will laugh at FIFA Ethics because everyone in my country knows the origin of El Hadji Diouf.' The same alleged senior 'source', also alleges that Infantino 'encouraged' the evaluation taskforce to find evidence which could block Morocco's candidacy. It is claimed Infantino was 'motivated' to do this as he favours the rival North American bid given the enormous financial advantage it has over its African rival. In response to the allegation a FIFA spokesperson told BBC Sport: 'The bidding process for the 2026 FIFA World Cup has been designed to evaluate the bids against objective criteria and so avoid a return to the secret and subjective decisions of the past. The process is as fair, objective and transparent as it can get as demonstrated with the publication of the bid books, all bidding documents and the scoring system. The taskforce's assessment is guided by clear and objective criteria and its report will be made public to guarantee full transparency of the process. The FIFA president is not involved in this process and he will not take part in the vote of the congress. These are facts and not "maybe" or gossip. FIFA has been heavily criticised for how it conducted the selection of hosts in the past. It was our obligation to learn from this and leave no room for any doubt or subjectivity. Anyone criticising this approach should be able to say if they would prefer a return to the old ways. Allegations of a defamatory nature are unacceptable, especially when they come in a middle of a bidding process when calm, sense of responsibility and respect should prevail.' The evaluation taskforce - which recently visited North American and Moroccan cities - includes Samoura's two deputies, Marco Villiger and former AC Milan player Zvonimir Boban. Some Morocco bid supporters have suggested they are Infantino allies and that that raises questions over the taskforce's impartiality and independence from the FIFA administration. There are further concerns over claims the Morocco bid team were only told of some eligibility criteria hours before their bid document had to be submitted, potentially weakening their submission. The bidding process comes with FIFA facing a financial shortfall following years of dealing with expensive legal bills resulting from a US Department of Justice investigation into corrupt executives. It has also struggled to attract major sponsors to this summer's World Cup in Russia. In light of this, it is believed Infantino wants the North American bid to win given organisers' claims it will generate around five billion dollars in economic activity and ticket revenue alone. The Swiss-Italian could yet face the prospect of being placed under an ethics investigation himself concerning the allegation he attempted to interfere in the 2026 bidding process although there is no evidence that a complaint has been made. The revelations come as the governing body is attempting to reform following a series of damaging political and financial scandals. It culminated in police dawn raids at a luxury Zurich hotel in May 2015, the extradition of FIFA executives to face trials in the US and the eventual deposing of Sepp Blatter as the organisation's long-serving president. The decision over whom to award the 2026 World Cup could also be plunged into doubt following the claims. The 2026 tournament is set to be the first World Cup to be allocated since the controversial decision to grant the 2018 edition to Russia and 2022 to Qatar. Those choices have been mired in controversy ever since and are the subject of several ongoing criminal investigations - for example, Blatter has suggested there was 'an agreement in place' for Russia to host the 2018 tournament before the vote took place. FIFA radically overhauled its voting procedures as a result of the Russia/Qatar process, taking power away from a small number of leading executives and placing it in the hands of its two hundred and eleven member associations. It also promised enhanced clarity, transparency and fairness when awarding its marquee event. Morocco's 2026 bid is gathering pace and is thought to stand a serious chance of winning the necessary one hundred and four majority votes needed for victory. A vote is scheduled to take place in Moscow on 13 June at FIFA's annual congress, with the North American countries and Morocco the only contenders.

Moscow Chelski FC goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois says that he and his father have initiated 'proceedings for libel and defamation' against ex-Belgium coach Marc Wilmots. In an interview with Qatar-based beIn Sports, Wilmots said that he was told Courtois' father had leaked team selections during the 2016 European Championship. Courtois said on Instagram: 'Mister Wilmots - not for the first time - reiterates publicly and intentionally [makes] accusations against my honour and my reputation.' He added: 'As well as my father, we decided together to file a complaint accompanied by criminal indemnification proceedings for libel and defamation.' Belgium number one Courtois has won fifty four caps for his country, who have been drawn in Group G alongside England, Tunisia and Panama at this summer's World Cup in Russia. Wilmots was dismissed as Belgium boss after their Euro 2016 exit to Wales.

Panathinaikos have been very banned from European competition for three years by the continent's football governing body after failing to pay their debts. Players at Greece's oldest club went on strike earlier this month in protest over unpaid wages from last year. The twenty-time Greek champions were given a suspended sentence by UEFA in December and told they had until 1 March to settle their unpaid bills. Having failed to comply, they have also been fined one hundred thousand Euros. Panathinaikos, who are currently seventh in Greece's top flight, had already incurred a three-point domestic penalty this season for failing to pay money owed to their former defender Jens Wemmer. The Athens-based club are the country's most successful side in European competition. They were European Cup runners-up in 1971 and reached the semi-finals of the same competition in 1985 and 1996, losing to Liverpool and Ajax respectively. This season, though, they were knocked out of the Europa League in the play-off round. The punishment handed down by UEFA's club financial control body represents another inauspicious moment for Greek Super League clubs this season. Last month, PAOK Salonika president Ivan Savvidis was banned for three years for coming onto the pitch with a gun during a top-flight game against AEK Athens.

Roma have condemned the 'abhorrent behaviour' of some of their fans after a Liverpool supporter was attacked before the Champions League semi-final. Two men from Rome were extremely arrested on suspicion of attempted murder after Wednesday's assault on Sean Cox who is in a critical condition. Roma said those involved at Anfield had 'brought shame on the club. There is no place for this type of vile behaviour in football,' a statement read. The victim, from Dunboyne in Ireland, has a head injury and is being treated in hospital. Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson said that the 'thoughts and prayers' of those at the club were with the injured fan. Roma said they were 'co-operating' with Liverpool, UEFA and the authorities. The attack happened outside a pub before kick-off, when about eighty Roma fans are thought to have used a side road to reach an area where Liverpool supporters had gathered. A Liverpool statement released on Wednesday asked those who had any relevant information to contact Merseyside Police. UEFA said in a statement that it was 'deeply shocked' by the 'vile attack. The perpetrators of this ignominious attack have no place in and around football and we trust they will be dealt with utmost severity by the authorities,' the statement read. Liverpool won the first leg of the tie five-two.

The Pint Of Milk Of Human Kindness

Plans for a two-week Premier League winter break could be announced before the end of the current season. A break would be held in late January and early February 2020 and staggered to ensure that games could be televised on each weekend. The Football Association council talked about the move on Wednesday after reaching a deal to play the FA Cup fifth round in midweek and without replays. There will still be replays in the third and fourth rounds. That would limit any potential financial impact on English Football League teams missing out on extra gate revenue. The break, which would only be for Premier League clubs, would not affect Christmas or New Year fixtures. A final decision is yet to be reached, but talks are said to be 'at an advanced stage' after an agreement was reached between the FA, the Premier League and the EFL. The FA has long argued in favour of a winter break based on the belief that the Premier League's physical intensity leaves players over-tired for international tournaments. It is planned that the first break would be held before Euro 2020, at which Wembley will host seven matches, including both semi-finals and the final. A UEFA study published a few years ago indicated that a player is four times more likely to be injured in the final three months of the Premier League season than over the same period in other European leagues. There is also the mental benefits of having a break - offering 'refreshment for both mind and body.'

Arsene Wenger is to leave The Arse at the end of the season, ending a near twenty two-year reign as manager. The Frenchman departs a year before his latest contract was due to expire. The Gunners are currently sixth in the league and set to miss out on a top-four spot for the second straight season, with their hopes of reaching the Champions League resting on winning the Europa League. Wenger, sixty eight, won three Premier League titles and seven FA Cups, including the Double in both 1998 and 2002. In 2004, he became the first manager since 1889 to lead a team through an English top-flight season unbeaten. 'I am grateful for having had the privilege to serve the club for so many memorable years,' said Wenger. 'I managed the club with full commitment and integrity. To all the Arsenal lovers, take care of the values of the club.' Arsenal say that a successor will be appointed 'as soon as possible.' Appointed in October 1996, he is the Premier League's current longest-serving manager and has taken charge of a record eight hundred and twenty three games. But some Arse fans have turned on the Frenchman over the past three seasons as a result of their league performances. After winning the 2005 FA Cup, they waited another nine years - three thousand two hundred and eighty three days - for their next silverware. It came as they beat Hull City to win the 2014 FA Cup, before winning the trophy again the following season. The Arse have also struggled in Europe since losing to Barcelona in 2006 Champions League final. Sunday's defeat at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle was their eleventh in the league this season, equalling their worst tally in a campaign under Wenger.

Being one of the smallest teams in the English Football League means nothing to Accrington Stanley, who have enjoyed unprecedented success this season and will reach new heights next term. It has been a season to remember - victory against Lancashire rivals Preston Both Ends in the Carabao Cup, striker Billy Kee being named League Two player of the season and now promotion to League One for the first time in the club's history courtesy of Tuesday's win against Yeovil Town. These really are the glory days for a team most football fans, for better or worse, still associate with a famous 1980s television advertisement for milk. But how have Accrington reached these lofty heights for a club of their relative small size? Accrington's cumulative attendance in the 2016-17 season was significantly less than, for example, this blogger's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United's average attendance for each match they played in the Championship last season (fifty one thousand). Since resigning from the Football League in 1962, the reformed Stanley have never played higher than the English fourth tier. The position they were in going into Tuesday's game at The Wham Stadium is in no small part down to a mid-season transformation. John Coleman's side have put together a stunning run of form in 2018, having been ninth in the table following their Boxing Day defeat at Carlisle. Since that loss, Accrington have won sixteen of nineteen League Two matches, with January's defeat by Crawley, a one-all draw at Barnet in February and Saturday's draw against Exeter City the only blemishes on an otherwise perfect second half of the season. Their good form this season has drawn comparisons to the Coleman side that won the Conference National title in 2006. 'I see a lot of parallels with the Conference-winning side,' Coleman told BBC Radio Lancashire. 'The way things have panned out and the way we've won games are very similar to the way we won them in the Conference. The spirit we had then, I see emerging in this squad and I hope it continues.' In his first spell with the club, Coleman led Stanley to three promotions from non-league to League Two, a division in which they have remained since 2007. Coleman left for Rochdale in 2012 and short spells at Southport and Irish side Sligo Rovers followed. Since his return to Accrington in 2014, Stanley have enjoyed an upturn in fortunes. The club came narrowly close to automatic promotion to League One for the first time in their history in 2016, but were denied when Bristol Rovers scored a ninety second-minute goal against Dagenham & Redbridge to take third place on goal difference on the final day of the season. Stanley then went on to lose their play-off semi-final to AFC Wimbledon, with Lyle Taylor's extra-time goal in the second leg the difference between the teams. In the two years since that defeat, players have come and gone - among them Omar Beckles to Shrewsbury Town of League One and Josh Windass to Scottish Premiership club Rangers. With Accrington having the second-smallest average attendance in the EFL, renting a 3G pitch to train on as they do not own their own training ground, as well as an impression among some that they are a figure of fun, does Coleman get annoyed by the comparisons to richer clubs? 'It doesn't annoy me,' he said. 'Any publicity is good publicity as far as I'm concerned. If it's positive publicity then we are going to be forever the David and Goliath story. All the credit has to go to the players because of how hard they work, the desire and determination that they have shown without the greatest facilities to work in on a daily basis. But they put that to the back of their mind and get on with the job.' It has been an eventful season for the club off the field, too. Accrington captured national press attention after the EFL ludicrously 'reminded them of their responsibilities' following owner Andy Holt's announcement that he bought the players food after wins. Supporters have taken this in good spirit, with a couple of home fans attending Saturday's draw with Exeter in topical fancy dress following the club's run-in with the EFL. Despite the publicity - good and bad - Coleman is happy with the impression some have of his team. 'I don't think we're seen as an underdog in the games over the past three or four weeks, but the size of our club and our structure means we are going to be seen as minnows,' Coleman said prior to their game against Exeter. 'We can get ourselves on a stable foot and have a nice ground and a nice stand built and a training ground, and we can then start developing a proper club in this town instead of a club that's always ever-shifting and changing just to get by. We're a self-sustaining club who can compete in the English Football League.'

Meanwhile, a local supermarket has produced a new logo for their bottles to mark Accrington's rise to the third tier. 'If we had a pound for every time milk is mentioned to us we would be rich club,' said Accrington's commercial manager Daniel Bowerbank. The new milk logo has Accrington Stanley's crest on the bottle with the question 'Who are they?' 'It's a classic advert and put Accrington on the map, but hopefully we will be recognised for more now,' said Bowerbank. 'We even had Ian Rush tweeting us about milk - it's great to have little bits like that but slowly we are getting away from it.' But, it is certainly not something the club hides from, so when some local ASDA employees and a photographer turned up at the stadium unannounced to try to plug their milk they were welcomed in. Commercially, Accrington get nothing, says Bowerbank, but they do hope the supermarket shifts a few extra pints of milk. 'If the community want to get behind the football club like that, it's great,' he added. 'What we got was milk to make a few brews for the players and enough to last us the week.'

Blunderland manager Chris Coleman says that Saturday's Championship visit of fellow strugglers Burton Albinos could be their 'last chance' in their bid to avoid the dreaded drop. The Black Cats are bottom of the table, six points from safety, with three games of the season remaining. Burton are just a point above The Mackems and defeat for either would be a huge blow to their survival hopes. 'We have to give everything and hope and pray we get a bit of Lady Luck,' the Welshman told BBC Newcastle. 'The fact there is still a glimmer of hope, an outside chance, is maybe a miracle in itself.' Coleman added: 'Everything is on the game on Saturday. We have just got to win. We need to take care of our business, more than any other game this season.' Blunderland, who have won just one of their past fifteen league games, appear to be on the brink of a second successive relegation. The loser of their game on Saturday will go down if other results go against them - while if Blunderland and Burton draw, they will both be relegated if Notlob and Birmingham both win. The Wearsiders saw their ten-year stay in the Premier League end last year and could drop into the third tier for just the second time in their history, following their sole campaign at that level in 1987. 'If you think about where we are, at the start of the season you never would have thought it,' Coleman said. 'Over the forty three games we have not had enough to make sure we are away from where we are. With three games to go, nobody is going to back us to get out of it. Until it is mathematically impossible. If I am talking to you on Saturday evening with three points in it and two games to play then we are still in the fight. There is a possibility of that and we have to hold on to that and hope for that with everything we have got.' Coleman has won five of his twenty six league games since taking charge in November, but is remaining upbeat ahead of the visit of The Brewers, who are one place and one point above The Mackem Filth in the table. 'We have got a real good chance of getting three points, which could keep us in there,' he added. 'The worst thing will be if teams around us give us a chance and we don't take it. We have got to get the best out of what we have got and be as positive as we can. We are not in a position where we can think it doesn't matter. It always matters.'

A fan has been extremely arrested after running on to the pitch to 'remonstrate' with the referee in Rochdale's goalless League One draw against neighbours Oldham Not Very Athletic in midweek. The supporter charged towards official Peter Bankes after a first-half penalty was awarded to Rochdale. He slipped and was subsequently 'restrained' by Oldham defender Anthony Gerrard and by stewards. A twenty seven-year-old man has been charged with pitch encroachment, possession of class A drugs and 'using threatening words or behaviour.' Oldham have also confirmed that the man has been given a two-year banning order from the club. 'The supporter has admitted his shame and apologised to the club, however we condemn his actions in the strongest possible terms and have made this swift decision,' said a club statement. A Rochdale statement added: 'Rochdale Football Club would like to thank Oldham for acting swiftly and for working closely with us on this matter.' Following a delay, visiting goalkeeper Johny Placide saved Joe Rafferty's penalty which was awarded after Gerrard brought down Joe Thompson in the box.

A policewoman was reportedly 'seriously injured' following an explosion at the Vasil Levski Stadium during Levski Sofia's Bulgarian league match with city rivals CSKA. The officer was hit by broken glass after a device exploded near a stadium entrance, police officials confirmed. 'She underwent surgery but there are many pieces of glass on her face and in the eye,' police chief commissioner Anton Zlatanov said. 'It's not a firework, it's a bomb.' Zlatanov added that 'more than twenty Levski fans' were detained after the match. The Sofia derby ended in a two-two draw.

Fenerbahce and Besiktas' Turkish Cup semi-final second leg was abandoned after the visitors' boss Senol Gunes was hit on the head by an object thrown from the crowd. Gunes was taken to hospital after being struck in the fifty eighth minute at Sukru Saracoglu Stadium on Thursday. Besiktas players left the pitch with referee Mete Kalkavan, who subsequently called the game off. Besiktas' Pepe, the former Real Madrid defender, was sent off after thirty minutes, while the match was delayed for five minutes in the first half after projectiles where thrown at Besiktas players. Television pictures appeared to show sixty five-year-old Gunes falling to the ground and clutching his head after being hit during a row between Fenerbahce fans and Besiktas players on the bench. Besiktas chairman Fikret Orman called it 'a sad day,' while the Turkish Football Federation said it would make a decision on the match in the 'coming weeks.'

Everton boss and odious glake Sam Allardyce says that a survey sent by the club to fans asking them to rate his performance on a scale of zero to ten was 'a marketing slip-up.' The survey was part of an exercise with a fan panel designed to discover how 'connected' they feel to the club. Allardyce replaced Ronald Koeman as Everton's manager in November. 'The survey passed out by the director of marketing was a slip-up,' he said. 'His knowledge is about marketing and not football. He got things wrong.' One or two people even believed him. Fans were asked to rate the statement: 'I have a high level of trust in the current manager and coaching staff eg in making the right decisions to get the best out of the team.' Allardyce has guided Everton to a current position of ninth in the Premier League after taking twenty seven points from twenty games since replacing the sacked Koeman. However, there has been growing discontent among some supporters over what they perceive as a negative playing style. As, indeed, there have been at just about every club that Allardyce has been manager of in the past. The former England boss suffered abuse from Everton supporters during and after Saturday's draw at Swansea City, having been subjected to similar treatment after the defeat at Burnley on 3 March. 'It hasn't made any difference to me,' Allardyce sneered. 'I'm planning for the future, until someone tells me otherwise. If that was to happen I'd be more than extremely disappointed.' Everton send out a fan survey several times a year. The club sent the same list of questions to some fans last May, including one about their view on Koeman.

Bradley Wood has been very banned for six years after twice intentionally getting booked during Lincoln City's FA Cup run last season. Wood was found extremely guilty by a Football Association tribunal of two match-fixing offences after telling friends that he would try to get booked in Lincoln's victories over Ipswich Town and Burnley. The FA said that seven people, including 'two close friends,' bet on him to be booked in those matches. The potential winnings totalled around ten grand but not all were paid. Wood, who now plays for Alfreton Town, contested both charges but admitted twenty three other betting offences. The FA Independent Regulatory Commission judgement said the fact that none of the seven had previously bet on bookings and the size of the bets made them stand out. Wood was given a five-year ban for the match-fixing offences and a further year after admitting twenty two charges of betting on the outcome of matches and one charge of passing on information. He was fined three thousand seven hundred and twenty five knicker, ordered to pay costs and has been suspended from all football-related activity until 8 March, 2024. Lincoln City, who reached the FA Cup quarter-finals last season after wins over Ipswich and Burnley, said that they were informed about the investigation in April 2017. Wood was suspended for the final two weeks of his contract and released in May.

Almost But Not Quite There

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United passed the forty-point mark and all-but guarantee their Premier League future by beating The Arse, whose terrible away record in 2018 continued. Matt Ritchie's sixty eighth-minute goal earned The Magpies their fourth straight league win and put them on forty one points with five games remaining, thirteen points clear of relegation. They remain in tenth place. Roared on by a buoyant home support, this was another highly efficient, hugely impressive performance from The Magpies. Having started the year in deep relegation trouble, they are now on course for a top-half finish. This was their fourth successive victory and puts them just one point behind a far more expensively assembled Everton side. Given the transfer budget (or, lack of it) at his disposal and the fact they have operated with a squad largely made up of the same players who came up from The Championship last season, Rafa Benitez arguably deserves to at least make the shortlist for manager of the year. The Arse, who reached the Europa League semi-finals with an aggregate win over CSKA Moscow in Russia on Thursday, are yet to earn an away point in the league this calendar year and, on Sunday, Arsene Wenger's always twisty face was even more twisty than usual. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Alexandre Lacazette, playing for the first time together, had linked up for The Arse's opener in the fourteenth minute. The Gabon striker received Shkodran Mustafi's chip and clipped the ball to the far post for the arriving Lacazette to slide in and score. Ayoze Perez equalised just before the half-hour mark, running past Shkodran Mustafi, to delightfully guide in DeAndre Yedlin's cross at the near post. Calum Chambers should have put The Arse back in front towards the end of the half, but he pushed an attempt wide as he slid in to meet Mustafi's header. It took until the sixty seventh minute for either side to have clear cut chance in the second half, with Ritchie then getting the winner a minute later. Nacho Monreal failed to clear the ball and substitute Islam Slimani's header was flicked on by Perez into the path of Ritchie, who coolly steered his shot past Petr Cech. Kenedy almost made it three, his deflected shot looping up and hitting the bar. There were some nervy moments in the closing stages for Newcastle as The Arse pressed for an equaliser, but United - for whom the central midfield duo of Jonjo Shelvy and Mo Diame were outstanding - held on for a vital win.

Elsewhere, Sheikh Yer Man City remain on the brink of winning the Premier League as they bounced back from their Champions League exit with victory against Stottingtot Hotshot at Wembley. Pep Guardiola's side need just three points to be crowned champions, but they will win the title if second-placed The Scum lose to West Bromwich Albinos on Sunday or to Bournemouth on Wednesday. Otherwise a City victory in their next game against Swansea on 22 April will be enough. It was a morale-boosting three-one win for City after the disappointment of Tuesday's defeat to The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in the Champions League quarter-finals. Harry Kane, meanwhile, reportedly claimed not only Spurs' goal but, also, all three of City's. And, speaking of Liverpool, manager Herr Klopp said that it is 'crazy' the amount of goals The Reds have scored this season after an 'exceptional' three-nil victory over Bournemouth took their tally up to one hundred and twenty one in all competitions. He added that their display ended an 'outstanding week' as Mohamed Salah scored his thirtieth Premier League goal to help The Yee-Haws move to within a point of second-placed The Scum. Moscow Chelski FC manager Antonio Conte says his team showed 'the right fire in our eyes' as they mounted a comeback from two-nil down to win at relegation-haunted Southampton. The victory - thanks to three goals in eight second-half minutes - kept alive Chelski's faint hopes of a top-four finish in the Premier League. Dusan Tadic's opener, a placed effort following Ryan Bertrand's marauding run and Polish defender Jan Bednarek's left-footed shot looked to be lifting The Saints out of the bottom three. But, with Mark Hughes seemingly on course for a first league victory as Southampton manager since arriving on 14 March, the entrance of substitute Olivier Giroud, who scored twice, sparked a listless Chelski into life. Burnley's Sean Dyche is refusing to get carried away with the prospect of featuring in Europe next season despite seeing his side take a significant step towards qualifying for the Europa League with victory over Leicester City. Chris Wood scored against his former club while Kevin Long headed a second as The Clarets made it a five straight league wins. Dyche's side are seventh in the Premier League, which will be enough to qualify for the Europa League unless Southampton win the FA Cup. Crystal Palace manager Roy Hodgson said that his side 'did it the hard way' by winning a five-goal thriller against Brighton & Hove Albinos to move six points clear of the relegation zone. In the opening thirty four minutes, Palace scored three goals in a scintillating attacking display but twice conceded their two-goal lead. Huddersfield manager David Wagner said his side's 'job isn't done' despite an 'emotional' late victory over Watford that moved them seven points clear of the relegation zone. Substitute Tom Ince's goal in injury time won the match for The Terriers with their first shot on target against well organised opponents at the John Smith's Stadium. A one-all draw with Everton also eased Swansea's relegation worries. They are now fourth bottom but, with thirty three points, are five clear of Southampton and six clear of Dirty Stoke.

Cardiff left it late but kept themselves on course for a Championship automatic promotion place, while The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters boosted their play-off hopes. Neil Warnock's side had to dig deep to earn a vital three points at Norwich, which moved them above Fulham and back into second place. Fulham could have kept up their own automatic promotion charge but Neal Maupay struck a ninety fourth-minute leveller to earn Brentford a one-all draw - and promote Wolverhampton Wanderings in the process. Boro stormed into the play-off places after coming from behind to beat Bristol City two-one at The Riverside Stadium. Veteran striker Steve Morison struck his fifth goal of the season for Millwall as they came back to draw against fellow play-off hopefuls Sheffield United in the early kick-off. Derby slipped out of the top six, but Burton moved off the bottom and to within five points of safety after a three-one victory over the Rams at the Pirelli Stadium. Blunderland slipped to the foot of the table and remain six points below Notlob after drawing at Reading. The Mackem Filth now have just three games to save themselves from the ignominy of relegation to the third tear for the first time since 1987. Liam Kelly gave The Royals the lead from the penalty spot after Lee Camp brought down Jon Dadi Bodvarsson in the box. Paddy McNair fired home a stunning equaliser for The Black Cats just after the break before Lee Cattermole's first goal since August 2014 put the visitors in front in the sixty sixth minute. Yann Kermorgant restored parity for Reading with eleven minutes remaining to leave Chris Coleman's side on the brink of a second straight relegation. Which, admittedly, would be effing hilarious. Wigan remained top of League One but were forced to settle for a goalless draw at home to fourth-placed Rotherham. Chris Lines volleyed an injury-time equaliser as Bristol Rovers dented Blackburn Vindaloo's automatic-promotion hopes with a draw at The Memorial Stadium. Bradford City recovered from their humiliating defeat at Blackpool by taking a hard-earned point from a fiercely-fought goalless draw with ten-man Shrewsbury Town at Valley Parade on Thursday. The third-placed visitors lost Omar Beckles, who had been booked in the first half, to a red card for his reckless tackle on former Shrewsbury defender Nathaniel Knight-Percival on the hour. Bury were relegated to League Two following a three-two defeat at home by Northampton that also kept the visitors' slim survival hopes alive. Accrington Stanley's automatic promotion bid from League Two is on hold after they were held to a draw by Exeter. Table-topping Stanley needed a win over The Grecians to secure promotion to the third tier of English football for the first time in their history - but a draw means all the focus is now on Tuesday's home game with Yeovil. Luton are also on the brink of promotion to League One after racking up their third successive home win by beating Crewe. Wycombe remain in the automatic promotion places in as substitute Randell Williams' late goal gave them a narrow win at Yeovil. Promotion-chasers Notts County put in a strong second-half performance to claim a comeback win at Colchester United. The Magpies trailed at the break to Drey Wright's opener but scored three goals after half-time to seal victory at The Community Stadium.

Referee Michael Oliver has 'a bag of rubbish for a heart,' according to Gianluigi Buffon after Juventus were knocked out of the Champions League by Real Madrid this week. Oliver awarded an injury-time penalty to Real for Mehdi Benatia's foul on Lucas Vazquez and Buffon was subsequently sent off for his protestations. 'It was certainly a dubious incident. Not clear-cut,' Buffon told Italian television. Buffon also told Italian media that Oliver should 'sit in the stands eating crisps' for 'ruining a dream.' Real had led three-nil after the first leg, but saw their advantage wiped out at the Bernabeu through two Mario Mandzukic headers and Blaise Matuidi's opportunistic strike after Keylor Navas' error. But with the tie heading to extra time, Oliver adjudged Juve defender Benatia had brought down Vazquez in the box and pointed to the spot. Cristiano Ronaldo scored the penalty. Buffon took his protestations too far and was given his first Champions League red card on his six hundred and fiftieth appearance for The Shitty Hunchbacks. The Juve captain said after the game: 'It was a tenth of a penalty. I know the referee saw what he saw, but it was certainly a dubious incident. Not clear-cut. And a dubious incident at the ninety third minute when we had a clear penalty denied in the first leg, you cannot award that at this point. The team gave its all, but a human being cannot destroy dreams like that at the end of an extraordinary comeback on a dubious situation. Clearly you cannot have a heart in your chest, but a bag of rubbish. On top of that, if you don't have the character to walk on a pitch like this in a stadium like this, you can sit in the stands with your wife, your kids, having your drink and eating crisps. You cannot ruin the dreams of a team. I could've told the referee anything at that moment, but he had to understand the degree of the disaster he was creating. If you can't handle the pressure and have the courage to make a decision, then you should just sit in the stands and eat your crisps.' Holders Real reached the last four for the eighth consecutive season, joining The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, AS Roma and Fußball-Club Bayern München in Friday's draw in Nyon.

Sunday morning football is 'a powder keg waiting to explode,' according to a referee who is quitting after allegedly being assaulted by a player for the second time in his career. Ross Hawkes claims that he was attacked by a Brereton Town player last weekend while in the process of sending him off for dissent during a cup game against fellow Cannock Chase League side Talbot FC. The thirty six-year-old claims that he was punched and kicked, leaving him with a cut eye and injuries to his legs. The game was abandoned and Staffordshire Police say it is 'investigating' reports of an assault. The incident comes seven years after Hawkes - who is paid thirty quid per game - was assaulted by another player. 'I have been assaulted twice and it has got worse. The third assault? I do not like to think what that might be,' Hawkes told the BBC Sport website. 'I do not think I can carry on or want to - the risks are too dangerous. Why should I put up with that on a Sunday morning? No amount of money would make it acceptable.' The Football Association says that it has 'offered support' to Hawkes and 'a disciplinary process will take place at an appropriate time.' In a statement, Brereton said 'measures have already been instigated to deal with the incident' and that they 'do not condone any aggressive or disrespectful behaviour.' The father-of-two from Staffordshire, who has been a qualified referee for twenty years, says that he has 'seen a trend' of players 'becoming more physical' towards officials. 'Verbal anger, threats and aggression are not working on referees because we have become immune to it,' said the journalism lecturer. 'You start to see them bumping you, jabbing you in the chest to make their point. To me, the next logical step is what happened to me. My fear is what happens after this? What does it take to realise Sunday morning football has a huge problem. It is a powder keg waiting to explode. Players are getting away with what they like. There is no sense or acknowledgement that this is a massive issue - someone will go a step too far.' Hawkes said that he was 'thankful' that players from both teams stepped in to stop the attack.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United have been fined seven-and-a-half grand after admitting breaching rules over their under-eighteen side wearing kits bearing the logo of a betting company. The Magpies are currently sponsored by China-based online gaming firm Fun88 - much to the acute embarrassment of many of their supporters, this blogger included. Although, arguably, being sponsored by a betting company is slightly preferable to United's previous sponsors, the pay-day lenders Wonga. The Football Association said that Newcastle, who were charged last month, were in breach of their kit and advertising regulations. FA rules say 'services and related activities such as alcohol and gambling' cannot be worn by U18 teams. This is the same FA, presumably, whose second-tier competition - in which a number of under eighteen year olds regularly play - is sponsored by Sky Bet? Oh, the irony.

Coronation Delayed

Goals from yer actual Jonjo Shelvey and Ayoze Perez his very self helped Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle United beat Leicester City and record a third straight Premier League victory in the process. The Magpies started brightest at The King Power Statium and Shelvey's shot from outside the area opened the scoring mid-way through the first-half. Leicester felt they could have had a penalty before the break when Paul Dummett tackled Riyad Mahrez in the box. But, Perez doubled the lead for Rafa The Gaffer's side fifteen minutes from time with a delightful lob over Kasper Schmeichel. In a manner not entirely dissimilar to the way in which Philippe Albert lobbed Kasper's dad, Bacon Sandwich twenty years ago. Jamie Vardy grabbed a late goal from close range for the home side, but it proved to be only a consolation. As much of a consolation, in fact, as the fact that The Foxes' Harry Maguire was given only a yellow card after he punched Dwight Gayle reet in the mush. It was the relentlessness of the visitors' desire which sat at such a contrast to what had happened on the same pitch three years earlier - the day that Newcastle fans produced a banner which stated 'We don't demand a team that wins. We demand a club that tries.' In an incredible twenty five-second spell during the second half, Newcastle's players made nine challenges in a row, five of them proper, old-fashioned bone crunching fifty-fifty and for each one, the roar from the North East corner of the stadium grew. The win - United's first at Leicester since 1999 - took Newcastle up to tenth place in the Premier League, their highest placing since November.

The Scum staged an incredible second-half fightback to beat Sheikh Yer Man City and delay their Manchester rivals' Premier League title celebrations at The Etihad. Paul Pogba scored two goals in two minutes to overturn City's first-half lead before Chris Smalling's header completed the dramatic turnaround. Vincent Kompany had scored a thumping header before Ilkay Gundogan's sublime skill and precise finish doubled City's lead. But City, who would have been crowned champions with victory, will have to wait as second-placed The Scum narrowed the gap to thirteen points ensuring there would be no celebrations on derby day. At least, not in Manchester, anyway. In Essex, Wiltshire, Australia and all the other places that Manchester United supporters live, there was, one imagines, dancing in the streets. Sheikh Yer Man City will need to win at Stottingtot Hotshots next Saturday and hope that The Scum drop points at home to relegation-haunted West Bromwich Albinos the day after to be confirmed as Premier League champions next weekend. The hosts should have been away after a blistering opening period saw them tear The Scum apart and hold a comfortable lead going into the second half. They could have had a penalty within five minutes when Ashley Young slipped and appeared to touch the ball away from Raheem Sterling with his hand after David Silva had crossed in from the left. Bernardo Silva was inches away from poking home shortly afterwards but he failed to get enough on the ball to beat the outstretched leg of David de Gea. Kompany then made no mistake when he leapt highest and beat Smalling to head home from a corner and give City a deserved lead, before Gundogan turned away from Smalling in the box to make it two-nil. Sterling should have scored twice soon afterwards but he fired both efforts over the bar and Gundogan also had a free header from eight yards out which he squandered. City started the second half in similar fashion as Gundogan clipped the post with a curling effort but Pogba's quick double interrupted their rhythm and reversed the momentum. Smalling, who had been at fault for both City goals in the first half, then directed his header past Ederson to round off a tremendous comeback in the sixty ninth minute. That was not the end of the drama, though, as substitute Sergio Aguero had a strong claim for a penalty turned down after a challenge by Young - and moments later players from both sides clashed as tensions threatened to boil over with the pushing and the shoving and that. De Gea pulled off a sensational save in the eighty ninth minute to deny Aguero a late equaliser, before Sterling saw the ball ricochet off his hip and hit the post before the keeper palmed it away.

Elsewhere, The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws were held to a drab goalless draw by Everton in a Merseyside derby sandwiched between Liverpool's Champions League quarter-final ties against Sheikh Yer Man City. Herr Klopp made five changes from the three-nil win over City in midweek, choosing not to risk top scorer Mohamed Salah. And, as the game wore on, he substituted James Milner and Sadio Mane, perhaps with one eye on Tuesday's second leg at The Etihad. Christian Eriksen scored twice as Stottingtot Hotshots made it six league wins in a row to increase Dirty Stoke's relegation fears. Burnley scored twice in three second-half minutes to come from behind at Watford and secure a fourth consecutive top-flight win for the first time since 1968. Bournemouth twice came from behind to draw with Crystal Palace, who edged three points clear of the relegation zone. Huddersfield claimed a potentially crucial point in their own battle against relegation as they drew one-one with ten-man Brighton & Hove Albinos at The Amex Stadium. And, West Bromwich Albinos' faint hopes of Premier League survival suffered yet another setback after Swansea came from behind to draw and keep Brom ten points from safety with just five games left and on the verge of needing snookers. The Baggies were on course for a win in caretaker manager Darren Moore's first match after the mid-week tin-tacking of Alan Pardew courtesy of Jay Rodriguez's goal. But, on-loan striker Tammy Abraham levelled for Swansea with a late header.

Aston Villa's automatic promotion hopes were dealt a blow as they fell to three-one a Championship defeat at Norwich City. Which, one imagines, made sour-faced Steve Bruce even more sour-faced than usual. Fulham closed the gap on second-placed Cardiff to two points as Aleksandar Mitrovic's goal earned them a crucial victory at Sheffield Wednesday. The on-loan Serbian striker fired in his ninth goal in nine games to stretch Fulham's unbeaten run to nineteen matches. Matej Vydra scored his twentieth goal of the season as Derby County cruised to a comfortable home win over relegation-threatened Notlob. The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters bolstered their play-off hopes as Aitor Karanka's return to the Riverside Stadium as Nottingham Forest boss ended in defeat. Millwall's terrific form continued with a two-nil home win which saw them leapfrog play-off rivals Bristol City in the table. Sheffield United's play-off hopes suffered a setback as Tom Bradshaw's late goal gave Barnsley a three-two victory in a hard-fought South Yorkshire derby. And, at the bottom, Blunderland squandered a second-half lead at Dirty Leeds and slipped closer to a second consecutive relegation. Pablo Hernandez curled in a superb leveller to deny The Mackem Filth a second away win in a row and leave The Black Cats seven points from safety and staring League One in the face.

Accrington Stanley's owner, Andy Holt, can continue to buy his players burgers but the League Two leaders have been 'reminded of their responsibilities around bonuses' by the Football League. Who, clearly haven't got anything more important to do with their time than waste it on rank, trivial bollocks such as this nonsense. Holt - who seems like quite a good bloke and is well known for his generosity in, for example, buying drinks for Stanley supporters - had mentioned in an interview that he often gives the team two hundred quid to get 'a McDonald's or the like' if they win or draw but that if they don't, they have to pay for their own nosh! The EFL had questioned the deal, which is not part of the standard player contract, to check it met regulations. And, let us once again, simply stand up and salute the utter shite that some people chose to care about. 'The club's response confirmed that no contractual provisions exist to support payments in this manner,' the EFL said. 'However, EFL regulations do not prohibit the provision of subsistence and as long as the club adopts a consistent approach for all matches and arrangements are not linked to success on the pitch, the club can continue to make appropriate provision. The club was contacted as a result of a public comment made by Mister Holt in which he discussed providing his squad with a cash amount to spend on food or drink in the event of the team winning or drawing a match. Had Mister Holt's comment specified that the payment was made irrespective of the result, then there would have been no requirement to question the action, as it is acknowledged that subsistence is required for players after matches. The EFL has reminded the club of its responsibilities in relation to meeting EFL Regulations. It is a matter for the club to ensure it complies with all appropriate HMRC guidance regarding such matters.' Blah, blah, blah. A burger 'bonus' at Accrington would have gone against EFL regulation 61.6, which states that 'full details of all payments to or benefits paid in cash or in kind on behalf of players must be included in the standard contract.' Bonuses 'form part of the contract' and are to be included before the start of each season. However, exceptions may be made if the EFL are written to in advance. In a series of tweets leading up to Easter Monday's home game against promotion rivals Notts County, Holt defended his 'right to buy anyone a burger with my own money' and said that it was 'only the same as paying for a pre-match meal.' He added: 'You have to wonder what these folk would do with their life if it wasn't for my errors of judgement?' Accrington - who are they? - moved significantly closer to promotion from League Two on Saturday with a victory at Colchester. After which, one trusts, Holt bought his lads a celebratory burger and chips and tasty beverage of their choice as a direct way of telling the Football League to, you know, go fuck themselves.

Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws manager Jurgen Klopp says that a 'few idiots killed everything' by attacking Sheikh Yer Man City's team bus at Anfield on Wednesday. Cans, bottles and flares were thrown at the bus as a crowd gathered in an orgy of sick and outrageous violence with kids gettin' sparked an' aal sorts before The Reds' three-nil Champions League quarter-final win. Merseyside Police are currently investigating the attack, while UEFA have reportedly opened disciplinary proceedings. No players or staff were injured during the incident but two police officers were hurt. Before the match, Merseyside Police had issued a statement saying that the two team coaches would 'not be taking their usual route' because of 'building works and to ensure the safety of fans.' Liverpool also shared the statement and asked their supporters 'to gather to show their passion and support for the team ... in a friendly, respectful and considerate manner.' 'I have to say apologies again for how things happened before the game,' said Herr Klopp. 'It's so strange. You go with your own bus through the crowd and it feels fantastic and it's great. It's support, it's passion. We come into the stadium and the first thing I heard was they had smashed the bus of Manchester City and it kills everything. You can't feel it any more. You give everyone the opportunity to do something good and because of a few idiots it might never happen again.'