Goals from yer actual Jonjo Shelvey and Ayoze Perez his very self helped Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle United beat Leicester City and record a third straight Premier League victory in the process. The Magpies started brightest at The King Power Statium and Shelvey's shot from outside the area opened the scoring mid-way through the first-half. Leicester felt they could have had a penalty before the break when Paul Dummett tackled Riyad Mahrez in the box. But, Perez doubled the lead for Rafa The Gaffer's side fifteen minutes from time with a delightful lob over Kasper Schmeichel. In a manner not entirely dissimilar to the way in which Philippe Albert lobbed Kasper's dad, Bacon Sandwich twenty years ago. Jamie Vardy grabbed a late goal from close range for the home side, but it proved to be only a consolation. As much of a consolation, in fact, as the fact that The Foxes' Harry Maguire was given only a yellow card after he punched Dwight Gayle reet in the mush. It was the relentlessness of the visitors' desire which sat at such a contrast to what had happened on the same pitch three years earlier - the day that Newcastle fans produced a banner which stated 'We don't demand a team that wins. We demand a club that tries.' In an incredible twenty five-second spell during the second half, Newcastle's players made nine challenges in a row, five of them proper, old-fashioned bone crunching fifty-fifty and for each one, the roar from the North East corner of the stadium grew. The win - United's first at Leicester since 1999 - took Newcastle up to tenth place in the Premier League, their highest placing since November.
The Scum staged an incredible second-half fightback to beat Sheikh Yer Man City and delay their Manchester rivals' Premier League title celebrations at The Etihad. Paul Pogba scored two goals in two minutes to overturn City's first-half lead before Chris Smalling's header completed the dramatic turnaround. Vincent Kompany had scored a thumping header before Ilkay Gundogan's sublime skill and precise finish doubled City's lead. But City, who would have been crowned champions with victory, will have to wait as second-placed The Scum narrowed the gap to thirteen points ensuring there would be no celebrations on derby day. At least, not in Manchester, anyway. In Essex, Wiltshire, Australia and all the other places that Manchester United supporters live, there was, one imagines, dancing in the streets. Sheikh Yer Man City will need to win at Stottingtot Hotshots next Saturday and hope that The Scum drop points at home to relegation-haunted West Bromwich Albinos the day after to be confirmed as Premier League champions next weekend. The hosts should have been away after a blistering opening period saw them tear The Scum apart and hold a comfortable lead going into the second half. They could have had a penalty within five minutes when Ashley Young slipped and appeared to touch the ball away from Raheem Sterling with his hand after David Silva had crossed in from the left. Bernardo Silva was inches away from poking home shortly afterwards but he failed to get enough on the ball to beat the outstretched leg of David de Gea. Kompany then made no mistake when he leapt highest and beat Smalling to head home from a corner and give City a deserved lead, before Gundogan turned away from Smalling in the box to make it two-nil. Sterling should have scored twice soon afterwards but he fired both efforts over the bar and Gundogan also had a free header from eight yards out which he squandered. City started the second half in similar fashion as Gundogan clipped the post with a curling effort but Pogba's quick double interrupted their rhythm and reversed the momentum. Smalling, who had been at fault for both City goals in the first half, then directed his header past Ederson to round off a tremendous comeback in the sixty ninth minute. That was not the end of the drama, though, as substitute Sergio Aguero had a strong claim for a penalty turned down after a challenge by Young - and moments later players from both sides clashed as tensions threatened to boil over with the pushing and the shoving and that. De Gea pulled off a sensational save in the eighty ninth minute to deny Aguero a late equaliser, before Sterling saw the ball ricochet off his hip and hit the post before the keeper palmed it away.
Elsewhere, The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws were held to a drab goalless draw by Everton in a Merseyside derby sandwiched between Liverpool's Champions League quarter-final ties against Sheikh Yer Man City. Herr Klopp made five changes from the three-nil win over City in midweek, choosing not to risk top scorer Mohamed Salah. And, as the game wore on, he substituted James Milner and Sadio Mane, perhaps with one eye on Tuesday's second leg at The Etihad. Christian Eriksen scored twice as Stottingtot Hotshots made it six league wins in a row to increase Dirty Stoke's relegation fears. Burnley scored twice in three second-half minutes to come from behind at Watford and secure a fourth consecutive top-flight win for the first time since 1968. Bournemouth twice came from behind to draw with Crystal Palace, who edged three points clear of the relegation zone. Huddersfield claimed a potentially crucial point in their own battle against relegation as they drew one-one with ten-man Brighton & Hove Albinos at The Amex Stadium. And, West Bromwich Albinos' faint hopes of Premier League survival suffered yet another setback after Swansea came from behind to draw and keep Brom ten points from safety with just five games left and on the verge of needing snookers. The Baggies were on course for a win in caretaker manager Darren Moore's first match after the mid-week tin-tacking of Alan Pardew courtesy of Jay Rodriguez's goal. But, on-loan striker Tammy Abraham levelled for Swansea with a late header.
Aston Villa's automatic promotion hopes were dealt a blow as they fell to three-one a Championship defeat at Norwich City. Which, one imagines, made sour-faced Steve Bruce even more sour-faced than usual. Fulham closed the gap on second-placed Cardiff to two points as Aleksandar Mitrovic's goal earned them a crucial victory at Sheffield Wednesday. The on-loan Serbian striker fired in his ninth goal in nine games to stretch Fulham's unbeaten run to nineteen matches. Matej Vydra scored his twentieth goal of the season as Derby County cruised to a comfortable home win over relegation-threatened Notlob. The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters bolstered their play-off hopes as Aitor Karanka's return to the Riverside Stadium as Nottingham Forest boss ended in defeat. Millwall's terrific form continued with a two-nil home win which saw them leapfrog play-off rivals Bristol City in the table. Sheffield United's play-off hopes suffered a setback as Tom Bradshaw's late goal gave Barnsley a three-two victory in a hard-fought South Yorkshire derby. And, at the bottom, Blunderland squandered a second-half lead at Dirty Leeds and slipped closer to a second consecutive relegation. Pablo Hernandez curled in a superb leveller to deny The Mackem Filth a second away win in a row and leave The Black Cats seven points from safety and staring League One in the face.
Accrington Stanley's owner, Andy Holt, can continue to buy his players burgers but the League Two leaders have been 'reminded of their responsibilities around bonuses' by the Football League. Who, clearly haven't got anything more important to do with their time than waste it on rank, trivial bollocks such as this nonsense. Holt - who seems like quite a good bloke and is well known for his generosity in, for example, buying drinks for Stanley supporters - had mentioned in an interview that he often gives the team two hundred quid to get 'a McDonald's or the like' if they win or draw but that if they don't, they have to pay for their own nosh! The EFL had questioned the deal, which is not part of the standard player contract, to check it met regulations. And, let us once again, simply stand up and salute the utter shite that some people chose to care about. 'The club's response confirmed that no contractual provisions exist to support payments in this manner,' the EFL said. 'However, EFL regulations do not prohibit the provision of subsistence and as long as the club adopts a consistent approach for all matches and arrangements are not linked to success on the pitch, the club can continue to make appropriate provision. The club was contacted as a result of a public comment made by Mister Holt in which he discussed providing his squad with a cash amount to spend on food or drink in the event of the team winning or drawing a match. Had Mister Holt's comment specified that the payment was made irrespective of the result, then there would have been no requirement to question the action, as it is acknowledged that subsistence is required for players after matches. The EFL has reminded the club of its responsibilities in relation to meeting EFL Regulations. It is a matter for the club to ensure it complies with all appropriate HMRC guidance regarding such matters.' Blah, blah, blah. A burger 'bonus' at Accrington would have gone against EFL regulation 61.6, which states that 'full details of all payments to or benefits paid in cash or in kind on behalf of players must be included in the standard contract.' Bonuses 'form part of the contract' and are to be included before the start of each season. However, exceptions may be made if the EFL are written to in advance. In a series of tweets leading up to Easter Monday's home game against promotion rivals Notts County, Holt defended his 'right to buy anyone a burger with my own money' and said that it was 'only the same as paying for a pre-match meal.' He added: 'You have to wonder what these folk would do with their life if it wasn't for my errors of judgement?' Accrington - who are they? - moved significantly closer to promotion from League Two on Saturday with a victory at Colchester. After which, one trusts, Holt bought his lads a celebratory burger and chips and tasty beverage of their choice as a direct way of telling the Football League to, you know, go fuck themselves.
Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws manager Jurgen Klopp says that a 'few idiots killed everything' by attacking Sheikh Yer Man City's team bus at Anfield on Wednesday. Cans, bottles and flares were thrown at the bus as a crowd gathered in an orgy of sick and outrageous violence with kids gettin' sparked an' aal sorts before The Reds' three-nil Champions League quarter-final win. Merseyside Police are currently investigating the attack, while UEFA have reportedly opened disciplinary proceedings. No players or staff were injured during the incident but two police officers were hurt. Before the match, Merseyside Police had issued a statement saying that the two team coaches would 'not be taking their usual route' because of 'building works and to ensure the safety of fans.' Liverpool also shared the statement and asked their supporters 'to gather to show their passion and support for the team ... in a friendly, respectful and considerate manner.' 'I have to say apologies again for how things happened before the game,' said Herr Klopp. 'It's so strange. You go with your own bus through the crowd and it feels fantastic and it's great. It's support, it's passion. We come into the stadium and the first thing I heard was they had smashed the bus of Manchester City and it kills everything. You can't feel it any more. You give everyone the opportunity to do something good and because of a few idiots it might never happen again.'
