Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United passed the forty-point mark and all-but guarantee their Premier League future by beating The Arse, whose terrible away record in 2018 continued. Matt Ritchie's sixty eighth-minute goal earned The Magpies their fourth straight league win and put them on forty one points with five games remaining, thirteen points clear of relegation. They remain in tenth place. Roared on by a buoyant home support, this was another highly efficient, hugely impressive performance from The Magpies. Having started the year in deep relegation trouble, they are now on course for a top-half finish. This was their fourth successive victory and puts them just one point behind a far more expensively assembled Everton side. Given the transfer budget (or, lack of it) at his disposal and the fact they have operated with a squad largely made up of the same players who came up from The Championship last season, Rafa Benitez arguably deserves to at least make the shortlist for manager of the year. The Arse, who reached the Europa League semi-finals with an aggregate win over CSKA Moscow in Russia on Thursday, are yet to earn an away point in the league this calendar year and, on Sunday, Arsene Wenger's always twisty face was even more twisty than usual. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Alexandre Lacazette, playing for the first time together, had linked up for The Arse's opener in the fourteenth minute. The Gabon striker received Shkodran Mustafi's chip and clipped the ball to the far post for the arriving Lacazette to slide in and score. Ayoze Perez equalised just before the half-hour mark, running past Shkodran Mustafi, to delightfully guide in DeAndre Yedlin's cross at the near post. Calum Chambers should have put The Arse back in front towards the end of the half, but he pushed an attempt wide as he slid in to meet Mustafi's header. It took until the sixty seventh minute for either side to have clear cut chance in the second half, with Ritchie then getting the winner a minute later. Nacho Monreal failed to clear the ball and substitute Islam Slimani's header was flicked on by Perez into the path of Ritchie, who coolly steered his shot past Petr Cech. Kenedy almost made it three, his deflected shot looping up and hitting the bar. There were some nervy moments in the closing stages for Newcastle as The Arse pressed for an equaliser, but United - for whom the central midfield duo of Jonjo Shelvy and Mo Diame were outstanding - held on for a vital win.
Elsewhere, Sheikh Yer Man City remain on the brink of winning the Premier League as they bounced back from their Champions League exit with victory against Stottingtot Hotshot at Wembley. Pep Guardiola's side need just three points to be crowned champions, but they will win the title if second-placed The Scum lose to West Bromwich Albinos on Sunday or to Bournemouth on Wednesday. Otherwise a City victory in their next game against Swansea on 22 April will be enough. It was a morale-boosting three-one win for City after the disappointment of Tuesday's defeat to The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in the Champions League quarter-finals. Harry Kane, meanwhile, reportedly claimed not only Spurs' goal but, also, all three of City's. And, speaking of Liverpool, manager Herr Klopp said that it is 'crazy' the amount of goals The Reds have scored this season after an 'exceptional' three-nil victory over Bournemouth took their tally up to one hundred and twenty one in all competitions. He added that their display ended an 'outstanding week' as Mohamed Salah scored his thirtieth Premier League goal to help The Yee-Haws move to within a point of second-placed The Scum. Moscow Chelski FC manager Antonio Conte says his team showed 'the right fire in our eyes' as they mounted a comeback from two-nil down to win at relegation-haunted Southampton. The victory - thanks to three goals in eight second-half minutes - kept alive Chelski's faint hopes of a top-four finish in the Premier League. Dusan Tadic's opener, a placed effort following Ryan Bertrand's marauding run and Polish defender Jan Bednarek's left-footed shot looked to be lifting The Saints out of the bottom three. But, with Mark Hughes seemingly on course for a first league victory as Southampton manager since arriving on 14 March, the entrance of substitute Olivier Giroud, who scored twice, sparked a listless Chelski into life. Burnley's Sean Dyche is refusing to get carried away with the prospect of featuring in Europe next season despite seeing his side take a significant step towards qualifying for the Europa League with victory over Leicester City. Chris Wood scored against his former club while Kevin Long headed a second as The Clarets made it a five straight league wins. Dyche's side are seventh in the Premier League, which will be enough to qualify for the Europa League unless Southampton win the FA Cup. Crystal Palace manager Roy Hodgson said that his side 'did it the hard way' by winning a five-goal thriller against Brighton & Hove Albinos to move six points clear of the relegation zone. In the opening thirty four minutes, Palace scored three goals in a scintillating attacking display but twice conceded their two-goal lead. Huddersfield manager David Wagner said his side's 'job isn't done' despite an 'emotional' late victory over Watford that moved them seven points clear of the relegation zone. Substitute Tom Ince's goal in injury time won the match for The Terriers with their first shot on target against well organised opponents at the John Smith's Stadium. A one-all draw with Everton also eased Swansea's relegation worries. They are now fourth bottom but, with thirty three points, are five clear of Southampton and six clear of Dirty Stoke.
Cardiff left it late but kept themselves on course for a Championship automatic promotion place, while The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters boosted their play-off hopes. Neil Warnock's side had to dig deep to earn a vital three points at Norwich, which moved them above Fulham and back into second place. Fulham could have kept up their own automatic promotion charge but Neal Maupay struck a ninety fourth-minute leveller to earn Brentford a one-all draw - and promote Wolverhampton Wanderings in the process. Boro stormed into the play-off places after coming from behind to beat Bristol City two-one at The Riverside Stadium. Veteran striker Steve Morison struck his fifth goal of the season for Millwall as they came back to draw against fellow play-off hopefuls Sheffield United in the early kick-off. Derby slipped out of the top six, but Burton moved off the bottom and to within five points of safety after a three-one victory over the Rams at the Pirelli Stadium. Blunderland slipped to the foot of the table and remain six points below Notlob after drawing at Reading. The Mackem Filth now have just three games to save themselves from the ignominy of relegation to the third tear for the first time since 1987. Liam Kelly gave The Royals the lead from the penalty spot after Lee Camp brought down Jon Dadi Bodvarsson in the box. Paddy McNair fired home a stunning equaliser for The Black Cats just after the break before Lee Cattermole's first goal since August 2014 put the visitors in front in the sixty sixth minute. Yann Kermorgant restored parity for Reading with eleven minutes remaining to leave Chris Coleman's side on the brink of a second straight relegation. Which, admittedly, would be effing hilarious. Wigan remained top of League One but were forced to settle for a goalless draw at home to fourth-placed Rotherham. Chris Lines volleyed an injury-time equaliser as Bristol Rovers dented Blackburn Vindaloo's automatic-promotion hopes with a draw at The Memorial Stadium. Bradford City recovered from their humiliating defeat at Blackpool by taking a hard-earned point from a fiercely-fought goalless draw with ten-man Shrewsbury Town at Valley Parade on Thursday. The third-placed visitors lost Omar Beckles, who had been booked in the first half, to a red card for his reckless tackle on former Shrewsbury defender Nathaniel Knight-Percival on the hour. Bury were relegated to League Two following a three-two defeat at home by Northampton that also kept the visitors' slim survival hopes alive. Accrington Stanley's automatic promotion bid from League Two is on hold after they were held to a draw by Exeter. Table-topping Stanley needed a win over The Grecians to secure promotion to the third tier of English football for the first time in their history - but a draw means all the focus is now on Tuesday's home game with Yeovil. Luton are also on the brink of promotion to League One after racking up their third successive home win by beating Crewe. Wycombe remain in the automatic promotion places in as substitute Randell Williams' late goal gave them a narrow win at Yeovil. Promotion-chasers Notts County put in a strong second-half performance to claim a comeback win at Colchester United. The Magpies trailed at the break to Drey Wright's opener but scored three goals after half-time to seal victory at The Community Stadium.
Referee Michael Oliver has 'a bag of rubbish for a heart,' according to Gianluigi Buffon after Juventus were knocked out of the Champions League by Real Madrid this week. Oliver awarded an injury-time penalty to Real for Mehdi Benatia's foul on Lucas Vazquez and Buffon was subsequently sent off for his protestations. 'It was certainly a dubious incident. Not clear-cut,' Buffon told Italian television. Buffon also told Italian media that Oliver should 'sit in the stands eating crisps' for 'ruining a dream.' Real had led three-nil after the first leg, but saw their advantage wiped out at the Bernabeu through two Mario Mandzukic headers and Blaise Matuidi's opportunistic strike after Keylor Navas' error. But with the tie heading to extra time, Oliver adjudged Juve defender Benatia had brought down Vazquez in the box and pointed to the spot. Cristiano Ronaldo scored the penalty. Buffon took his protestations too far and was given his first Champions League red card on his six hundred and fiftieth appearance for The Shitty Hunchbacks. The Juve captain said after the game: 'It was a tenth of a penalty. I know the referee saw what he saw, but it was certainly a dubious incident. Not clear-cut. And a dubious incident at the ninety third minute when we had a clear penalty denied in the first leg, you cannot award that at this point. The team gave its all, but a human being cannot destroy dreams like that at the end of an extraordinary comeback on a dubious situation. Clearly you cannot have a heart in your chest, but a bag of rubbish. On top of that, if you don't have the character to walk on a pitch like this in a stadium like this, you can sit in the stands with your wife, your kids, having your drink and eating crisps. You cannot ruin the dreams of a team. I could've told the referee anything at that moment, but he had to understand the degree of the disaster he was creating. If you can't handle the pressure and have the courage to make a decision, then you should just sit in the stands and eat your crisps.' Holders Real reached the last four for the eighth consecutive season, joining The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, AS Roma and Fußball-Club Bayern München in Friday's draw in Nyon.
Sunday morning football is 'a powder keg waiting to explode,' according to a referee who is quitting after allegedly being assaulted by a player for the second time in his career. Ross Hawkes claims that he was attacked by a Brereton Town player last weekend while in the process of sending him off for dissent during a cup game against fellow Cannock Chase League side Talbot FC. The thirty six-year-old claims that he was punched and kicked, leaving him with a cut eye and injuries to his legs. The game was abandoned and Staffordshire Police say it is 'investigating' reports of an assault. The incident comes seven years after Hawkes - who is paid thirty quid per game - was assaulted by another player. 'I have been assaulted twice and it has got worse. The third assault? I do not like to think what that might be,' Hawkes told the BBC Sport website. 'I do not think I can carry on or want to - the risks are too dangerous. Why should I put up with that on a Sunday morning? No amount of money would make it acceptable.' The Football Association says that it has 'offered support' to Hawkes and 'a disciplinary process will take place at an appropriate time.' In a statement, Brereton said 'measures have already been instigated to deal with the incident' and that they 'do not condone any aggressive or disrespectful behaviour.' The father-of-two from Staffordshire, who has been a qualified referee for twenty years, says that he has 'seen a trend' of players 'becoming more physical' towards officials. 'Verbal anger, threats and aggression are not working on referees because we have become immune to it,' said the journalism lecturer. 'You start to see them bumping you, jabbing you in the chest to make their point. To me, the next logical step is what happened to me. My fear is what happens after this? What does it take to realise Sunday morning football has a huge problem. It is a powder keg waiting to explode. Players are getting away with what they like. There is no sense or acknowledgement that this is a massive issue - someone will go a step too far.' Hawkes said that he was 'thankful' that players from both teams stepped in to stop the attack.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United have been fined seven-and-a-half grand after admitting breaching rules over their under-eighteen side wearing kits bearing the logo of a betting company. The Magpies are currently sponsored by China-based online gaming firm Fun88 - much to the acute embarrassment of many of their supporters, this blogger included. Although, arguably, being sponsored by a betting company is slightly preferable to United's previous sponsors, the pay-day lenders Wonga. The Football Association said that Newcastle, who were charged last month, were in breach of their kit and advertising regulations. FA rules say 'services and related activities such as alcohol and gambling' cannot be worn by U18 teams. This is the same FA, presumably, whose second-tier competition - in which a number of under eighteen year olds regularly play - is sponsored by Sky Bet? Oh, the irony.
