Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies picked up their first point of the new Premier League season with a drab goalless draw at Cardiff on Saturday. But, was it a case of one point gained or two thrown away? Bit of both, really. Whatever one's view, this was a thoroughly awful Saturday in South Wales with both sides conspiring to create over ninety minutes of instantly forgettable football on live TV. The Toon's shortcomings were more memorable though, in the form of a red card and a missed penalty kick. Ninety six minutes of uninspired toil had seen the visitors field four different players at right back, one of that quartet - Isaac Hayden - being dismissed in the sixty sixth minute. Just when United appeared to have escaped with a point after an equally toothless Cardiff City side had failed to create so much as a direct effort on target to test Martin Dubravka, a stray hand in the home area gave Newcastle the opportunity of an unexpected victory. Sadly, though, with the designated penalty taker Matt Ritchie already off the field and Joselu not being trusted to reprise his woefully rotten effort against Burnley last season, the burden from twelve yards fell to the hapless Kenedy. The Brazilian had struggled all afternoon to make any sort of significant impact, seemingly being more interested in attempting pointless dribbles than actually passing the ball to a teammate. His run-up for the penalty was far stuttering and match anequally poor dead ball attempt from slightly further out minutes earlier, side-footing straight at City keeper Neil Etheridge, who had no problem in saving a second spot kick in as many appearances this season. Kenedy was lucky to still be on the pitch at all; kicking out at Victor Camarasa during the first half for no obvious reason right in front of referee, Craig Pawson who somehow conspired not to see it. Albeit, Cardiff were probably better off with Kenedy still on the pitch rather than off it for all he actually contributed to the game. The referee by turns played his part in a frustrating afternoon, started off by booking Matt Ritchie, despite two home players actually injuring each other as Ritchie attempted to win the ball fairly. Pawson showed no mercy in dismissing Isaac Hayden for a challenge from behind on Josh Murphy in the middle of the field which was probably a fair call, but he then failed to red card Harry Arter for what appeared to be a wholly comparable assault on Joselu soon afterwards. Ayoze Perez had two chances in the first half, saved by Etheridge on both occasions, although the keeper almost let in Joselu when he spilled Kenedy's shot - the winger's one worthwhile contribution to the match. Dubravka almost got United in trouble when delaying a clearance but the block went away from goal, while a tenth minute header from Sol Bamba was cleared from in front of the Newcastle goalline. The game soon lost its way, though and with Kenedy escaping punishment, Javier Manquillo was also lucky to stay on after continuing to pull back Josh Murphy having already been booked when the former Norwich winger showing the Spaniard a clean pair of heels. Having had treatment before the break, Manquillo was replaced by Hayden at half-time but the substitute looked equally uncomfortable against pace. After several indiscretions, Hayden's challenge on Murphy saw Pawson go for his pocket, pause and then show a straight red. Apologising later via social media, Hayden rightly called the tackle 'needless and stupid.' It was, indeed, both. United arguably then played their best football a man short (or, technically, two men short for all the contributions Kenedy actually made) and when Arter wasn't dismissed for his horrible tackle, a sense of injustice seemed to fire-up Rafa Benitez's side. Mo Diame was fouled on the edge of the penalty area but Kenedy wasted the free-kick hitting it straight into the wall, with Joselu slicing the follow-up out for a throw. That sort of summed up the whole game. Then came the last minute penalty incident, after substitute Yoshinro Muto's ball across the box was clearly handled by Bluebirds captain, Sean Morrison. Kenedy duly stepped for the penalty in front of the away fans. And missed. With Moscow Chelski FC, Sheikh Yer Man City and The Arse next up in the league for Rafa's side, a barely-deserved draw at least got United off zero points. However, spurning the golden opportunity for an unexpected win was jolly careless and, potentially, of awful significance come next May. What the future holds for Neil Warnock's City side remains to be seen, but their failure to beat Newcastle's ten (or nine) men doesn't bode well. Few of Newcastle's team enhanced their reputations and had the continuing shortages at right back not forced Rafa's hand with substitutions when there were plenty of other candidates to be replaced. Former Swansea man Jonjo Shelvey did what he could to silence the predictably comic booing from home fans every time he touched the ball, supplying some incisive passes that neither Joselu nor Perez could capitalise on. A sizeable improvement over the next three games is required if Newcastle are to avoid travelling to Crystal Palace next month for which might already be - just six games into the season - a relegation six-pointer. The potential return of DeAndre Yedlin next weekend will, hopefully, be a positive. The enforced sidelining of Hayden meanwhile gives more urgency to the task of integrating summer signings Fabian Schar and Federico Fernandez into the team, while Salomon Rondon's apparent lack of match fitness has to be addressed quickly. Still, at least United currently have one point, which is one more than five other Premier League teams at the moment.
Blunderland FC spent thirty grand on a report into how it was perceived, only to be told it was 'an old-fashioned football club,' the new executive director has revealed. According to the Sunderland Echo Charlie Methven was speaking at the launch of The Black Cats' new 'business club' at the Stadium of Plight this week and revealed some of the barely credible decisions which had contributed to the dire financial situation under the previous regime. The latest club accounts, which cover the year from 1 August 2016, to 31 July 2017 - a period which saw incompetent David Moyes replacing odious lard-bucket Sam Allardyce in the The Mackem Filth's dug-out and a desperately disappointing season which ended in relegation from the Premier League - showed a loss before tax of a fraction under ten million knicker for the financial year. Of course, things then got worse for Blunderland with a second successive relegation from the Championship the following season. As part of his speech, Charlie Methven revealed the club spent thirty thousand smackers to commission a report from 'an external branding company' on 'what it represented,' only to be told it was 'an old-fashioned football club.' 'We could have told you that for thirty pee, sat in Oxfordshire,' claimed Methven. Other revelations included: Blunderland was paying 'one thousand pounds a month to rotate plastic plants round the various rooms', there was not a single person at the club selling sponsorship, there were fifteen people working in marketing and PR but only one in commercial sales and the club had been employing 'just over twice as many people as Newcastle United.' The previous regime had spent money 'trying to be something they weren't,' Methvan claimed. 'They had forgotten what Sunderland is.' The aim now was to be 'a proper football club, and proud of it. It is the people, it is the history, it is the culture - that is what a proper football club is and we need to get back to that being proud of that.' Methven, Stewart Donald and new director Juan Sartori promised to be 'open and honest' with fans: 'PR does not mean telling lies, it does not mean spin,' he said. 'What it is about is communication and communication is a two-way process. We will always be accessible because we want to have that conversation.'
Former footballer Paul Gascoigne has blamed his early exit from a TV show last Saturday morning on sleeping pills. The former England midfielder insisted that he was not drunk on Sky's Soccer AM, where he was a guest alongside Inbetweeners actor Joe Thomas. Gascoigne, who forged his career at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Newcastle United and Stottingtot Hotshots, has struggled with alcoholism and mental illness for more than twenty years. His most recent spell in rehab was in 2017, after the death of his nephew. After leaving Soccer AM midway through the show, host John Fendley told viewers that the fifty one-year-old was 'not feeling wonderful.' Gascoigne responded to concerns on social media which suggested that he 'looked out of it' during the show. Writing on Twitter, he said people were 'saying I was drunk,' but went on to explain that he had 'been taking sleeping tablets to try kip.' In 2013 the Football Association and the England Footballers' Foundation donated forty grand to help fund Gascoigne's treatment at an addiction centre in Arizona. The midfielder is best known for his performance in the 1990 World Cup, which saw England reach the semi-final of the tournament for the first time since 1966. He famously cried after receiving a yellow card in the semi-final against Germany, which meant he would not have played in the final if England had progressed. But, they didn't.
Football fans got a bit more than they bargained for when a naughty X-rated channel was turned on as they watched a match in a stadium bar. With the bare bobbies and everything. Little left to the imagination. During half-time of Tuesday's fixture between Bristol Rovers and Crawley, the Babestation channel popped up on screens at the Memorial Stadium clubhouse. The footage of scantily-clad women disappeared only to reappear as soon as the game resumed. Which, given that this was a match between Bristol Rovers and Crawley some might argue was far more entertaining than what was happening on the pitch. Bristol Rovers said that 'an investigation was under way.' The X-rated channel invites viewers to interact live with female presenters wearing just underwear via a premium-rate telephone number or text messaging. Fans who were in the newly-refurbished bar tweeted their amusement. Rivals Bristol City also got in on the act, tweeting about their own screens 'We can't promise any Babestation, sorry. Our TVs have parental control.' One wonders if a one-liner about 'a tasty pair of Bristols' might be appropriate at this juncture. Probably not. Anyway, Steve Hamer, chairman of Bristol Rovers, said an investigation was under way and the action was 'not acceptable.' One presumes he was talking about Babestation and not the match. He said: 'We have had a major refit in the clubhouse and our bars this summer and we've got fourteen to fifteen new TVs all in place and I suspect there was an area of vulnerability there and somebody has hacked into it. What was seen was pretty moderate and we will talk to our TV engineers and media teams to find out what happened.'
The man who scored the winning goal when Hereford United infamously knocked yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though, even then unsellable) Newcastle out of the FA Cup in 1972 has been extremely jailed for money laundering. Ricky George was sentenced to two years and his son, Adam, has also been jailed, for fifteen months. The fraud involved the sale of a house without the knowledge or consent of the owner, Hertfordshire Constabulary say. A third man, Charles Jogi, was also convicted of money laundering at Saint Albans Crown Court. Adam George received one hundred and twenty thousand knicker into a business account from his father, Richard George who were both found very guilty. The money was then laundered through his own bank account and that of his father and Jogi, his father's friend. When the buyer of the house found out that he had been a victim of fraud and had lost two hundred and fifty thousand smackers, he had a heart attack, police say, from which he has 'thankfully recovered.' Jogi was sentenced to two hundred hours hours of unpaid work and was also given a community order. Ricky George will always be known as the man who scored the winner in that famous (and, painful) FA Cup third round replay win for non-league Hereford United over Newcastle United in February 1972. One that gets wheeled out for a repeat every year when the FA Cup come around. George would enjoy another sporting highlight, twenty six years later, as the co-owner of Earth Summit, the horse which won 1998 Grand National. Alan Mordey, from Hertfordshire Constabulary said: 'The fraudster used fake ID, which was verified by a solicitor, to get the housing deeds from the Land Registry. He then used a different solicitor to conduct the sale.'
Football fans have been told to stay away from a Lancashire town where travelling supporters regularly stop off on their way to games. Chorley Council wants to stop coaches of away fans - and other assorted 'common riff-raff' - from visiting its town centre, because, it says, they have been 'intimidating' residents and shoppers and causing all manner of other malarkey and shenanigans. A letter has been sent to clubs saying that fans were 'not welcome.' And that 'ee don't want your sort round here, this is a nice town.' Probably. The Lancashire market town is a stop-off for fans on their way to games at Notlob Wanderings, Blackburn Vindaloos, Preston Both Ends, Burnley and Wigan Not-Very-Athletic. Chorley councillor Danny Gee, who sent the letter on behalf of the council's Town Centre Team, later 'clarified' they were specifically targeting coach loads of fans and admitted the letter 'could have been worded better.' And, less ignorant and absurd. Gee told BBC 5Live that 'congregating coaches' had become 'a big problem.' He added that the request had come from residents and business owners, who said their takings had dropped on match days. The letter refers to a story from April, where hundreds of Wolverhampton Wanderings fans visited Chorley before an away game at Notlob, but said that they had been 'relatively good-natured.' It was widely criticised on social media and the Football Supporters' Federation said it was seeking legal advice. Although, probably a far better form of revenge would be if coach parties did, indeed, avoid Chorley and go somewhere else instead to spend all their money. 'Football fans being told they're not welcome in pubs is one thing but to be told formally by a council they're not welcome in a whole town?! Wow! I'm genuinely speechless at this,' tweeted FSF caseworker Amanda Jacks. Chorley FC, known as The Magpies (no relation), play in National League North, the sixth tier of English football. Responding to a tweet the council sent congratulating Chorley on a win, Jacks replied: 'You can't have your cake and eat it. You either welcome football in your town, or you don't.' Ooo, she's mad-vexed, isn't she? Reiterating the council's position, Gee told The Phil Williams Show it was 'not banning anyone' and it was 'powerless' because of a lack of police. Which single statement has probably just encouraged every shop-lifter in two hundred mile radius to make a bee-line for Chorley. He added: 'Fans are welcome, but we are not welcoming large amount of coaches with one hundred and two hundred fans, congregating outside pubs and disrupting the town centre. They stand outside pubs and intimidate shoppers and families. They arrive at 12pm and leave at 2.30pm - by that time most of the shoppers have left.' In a statement, the council added: 'If the clubs themselves see fit to stop away fans entering some of their local pubs and don't sell alcohol in the ground why should that perceived problem be passed on to our town centre to deal with? As we stated in the letter we have done a lot of work and invested a lot of time and money into the town centre and we don't want Saturdays, which are one of the busiest days for traders, to be affected by people put off by football fans causing anti-social behaviour.' Chorley Council subsequently announced that they had reversed their decision, presumably after deciding that they'd had enough of being considered worthless shitty snobs by just about everyone in the whole world.
England have moved up six places to sixth in FIFA's world rankings after their run to the World Cup semi-finals in Russia. It is their highest position since they were fourth in March 2013. World Cup winners France rise six spots to top the rankings, ahead of Belgium, Brazil and Croatia, while Germany fall from first to fifteenth place. Wales are down one to nineteenth, while Northern Ireland and Scotchland go up two to twenty seventh and fortieth respectively. The Republic of Ireland also rise two positions to twenty ninth. England beat Colombia and Sweden in the knockout stages in Russia before losing to Croatia in the semi-finals. France have taken over top spot from Germany after winning the tournament for the second time, with runners-up Croatia rising sixteen spots to fourth. Host nation Russia were the biggest climbers in the rankings, up twenty one places to forty ninth. Germany have plummeted down the rankings following their exit at the group stage. Argentina, down six places to eleventh, Chile, down three places to twelfth and Poland, down tenth to eighteenth, also slipped. England return to international action on 8 September when they face Spain in the UEFA Nations League at Wembley.
