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Football's world governing body FIFA - a notoriously corrupt collective of gangsters, criminals and appeasers of dictators - has been 'urged' to conduct an 'independent investigation' into claims the Qatar 2022 World Cup bid team ran a secret campaign in 2010 to sabotage competing host bids. Not that they're going to, obviously. The chairman of the Digital, Culture, Media and Sport select committee Damian Collins - a man never short of an opinion ... on pretty much any subject you care to name - said that the 'serious allegations,' published in The Sunday Times, would be a breach of FIFA's rules if the proved to be true. 'It requires a proper independent investigation and FIFA should make clear that will happen,' he said. Speaking on Radio 5Live, he added: 'If the Qataris have broken the rules, they should face some sanctions.' In a statement Qatar's 'Supreme Committee for Delivery and Legacy' said it 'rejects each and every allegation put forward by The Sunday Times.' The paper claims to have seen leaked documents that show the Qatari bid team employed a US PR firm and ex-CIA agents to smear its rivals - mainly the United States and Australia. The alleged aim was to create propaganda to give the impression that a World Cup would not be supported domestically. The Qatar tournament organisers deny the allegations. Which, to paraphrase Mandy Rice Davies, 'well, they would, wouldn't they?' A campaign such as that alleged by The Sunday Times would have extremely broken FIFA's bidding rules. Qatar beat rival bids from the United States, Australia, South Korea and Japan to the right to host the 2022 World Cup in a process not so much bent as U-shaped. FIFA's rules state that World Cup bidders should not make 'any written or oral statements of any kind, whether adverse or otherwise, about the bids or candidatures of any other member association.' The Qatar bid team has been previously accused of corruption, but was cleared following a two-year FIFA inquiry. One or two people even believed them. Some of the alleged aspects of the smear campaign include a 'respected academic' allegedly being paid nine thousand US dollars to allegedly write a negative report on the huge economic cost of an American World Cup, which was then distributed to news media around the world; journalists, bloggers and high-profile figures were recruited in each country to 'hype up negative aspects' of their respective bids; a group of American physical education teachers recruited to ask their US Congressmen to oppose a US World Cup on the grounds that the money would be better used on high school sports; grassroots protests were organised at rugby games in Australia opposing the country's bid and intelligence reports were compiled on individuals involved in rival bids. The documents seen by The Sunday Times - which the paper claims were 'leaked by a whistleblower' who worked on the 2022 bid team - were apparently 'unavailable' during the FIFA inquiry. The Qatar bid team is alleged to have employed the New York office of communications company Brown Lloyd Jones, which is now BLJ Worldwide, along with a team of former intelligence officers to run a campaign aimed at undermining one of FIFA's key criteria in the bidding process - that each bid should have strong backing at home. In its statement, Qatar's Supreme Committee for Delivery and Legacy said: 'We have been thoroughly investigated and have been forthcoming with all information related to our bid, including the official investigation led by US attorney Michael Garcia. We have strictly adhered to all FIFA's rules and regulations for the 2018/2022 World Cup bidding process.' A FIFA statement said 'a thorough investigation was conducted by Michael Garcia and his conclusions are available in the report,' referring to the completed two-year inquiry.

Meanwhile, the Football Association is reported to be considering putting England forward as a potential host for the 2030 World Cup. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that no one in international football can bloody stand England. Because we're a bunch of self-deluded whingers who seem to believe that we're still a global power when, in fact, we haven't been for forty years. The last major tournament played in England was the 1996 European Championship, thirty years after the country hosted its only World Cup. FA chairman Greg Clarke says that the governing body's board has 'agreed to start work' to see if a bid is feasible. 'This work will take place during the new season and no decision will be made until 2019,' added Clarke. Wembley is already hosting seven games during Euro 2020 and the FA has bid to host the European Women's Championship in 2021. England failed with a bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Russia were instead announced as hosts by Sepp Blatter, the now disgraced and disgraceful former-president of FIFA. England felt aggrieved by that bidding process but it is thought the FA has been 'encouraged' over 2030 by the greater transparency around the recent vote for the 2026 World Cup, which was won by a joint United States, Canada and Mexico bid. It will now decide whether to bid to become the potential candidate from UEFA, European football's governing body. FIFA vice-president David Gill said in June England should have 'great confidence.' However, there is expected to be a strong joint bid from Argentina, Uruguay and Paraguay, with 2030 marking the one hundredth-year anniversary of the first World Cup in Uruguay. There is no guarantee that the FA will decide to make a bid and many will no doubt see is as a doomed and needless waste of money after England's humiliating and ill-fated bid for the 2018 World Cup. But the fact that such a move is even being considered reflects a growing confidence from within the governing body that its image in the international game has improved. Significantly, the government is understood to be more supportive of the idea of bidding than it once was. The current government, that is. The next one, which may led by Comrade Corbyn is likely to be more interested in hosting the world ice hockey championships. Clarke also dismissed claims by former FA chairman Lord Triesman that England 'could step in' to host the 2022 World Cup, should Qatar be stripped of the competition. Which, they won't be. Clarke said: 'FIFA has chosen Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup and they have a duty to investigate any issues around the process that are rightly thrown into question. Russia did a brilliant job hosting the 2018 World Cup and we support the rotation of World Cup hosting around confederations. That would make the 2030 World Cup the next one a European nation might be able to host and not before. Anyone suggesting otherwise is acting disrespectfully to our global game and does not speak for the English FA.'

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though tragically unsellable) Newcastle manager Rafael Benitez says that the club's fans 'need to be concerned' after an embarrassingly wretched four-nil hammering in their penultimate pre-season friendly at SC Braga. And, trust this blogger Rafa, we all are. As bloody usual around this time each season. Goals from Ricadro Horta, Joao Novais, Fransergio and Dyego Sousa condemned The Magpies to a 'worrying' defeat. 'Things are not going well off the pitch and you can see a reflection of that on the pitch,' admitted Benitez. No shit? Following the match in Portugal, Benitez claimed that he had 'no idea' about any potential new signings at the club before the Premier League season. The former Liverpool manager said that he wants 'another three or four players' before the transfer deadline on 9 August. But, as usual, public promises made by club's owner, that awful Ashley individual, appear to have been nothing but outright lies. In the same week in which Ashley has, reportedly, been in talks to inject money into the House of Fraser department store chain, once again he seems remarkably reluctant to put his hand in his pocket when it comes to the football club that he owns. 'We were poor and we made too many mistakes. We have to wake up - that's it,' added Benitez after the Braga game. 'You see the teams that have been promoted, the money they are spending. Put it all together and you understand why the fans need to be concerned. We are concerned. Everyone in the dressing room was really upset with our performance and with how things are going, but we will try to change things in the next ten days. Am I optimistic, thinking that in ten days, we can do what we didn't do in two months? I don't think so. But, still, I think it's obvious we need people, we need bodies. We have been talking for a while about players. I think it's the time to act, more than talk. I said two months ago what we needed and ten days before the start of season we still are where we are. There's four or five players we thought we could bring - but we haven't.' When asked if he was close to any new signings he said, bluntly, 'I have no idea.' The Magpies open their league campaign against Stottingtot Hotshots at St James' Park on 10 August, followed by fixtures against Cardiff City, Moscow Chelshi FC, Shiekh Yer Man City and The Arse. So, after five games of the new season, no prizes for guessing which club is likely to be very bottom of the Premier League. There was a modicum of good news for United this week as they confirmed that they have signed Japanese international striker Yoshinori Muto from Mainz on a four-year deal. The twenty six-year-old, who is The Magpies' fifth summer signing, scored eight goals for Mainz last season as they avoided relegation from the Bundesliga. Muto was in Japan's World Cup squad for Russia making one appearance - in the defeat to Poland. 'As the first Japanese Newcastle United player, I am honoured to be a player for such a big club,' he said. 'I hope to achieve good results - that is what I am here to do. I would like to perform well and leave my name in Newcastle's history.' Muto signed after being granted a work permit on Thursday. His fee is reported to be nine-and-a-half million notes and boosts the options for a team who scored but thirty nine Premier League goals in 2017-18, the second fewest of the top fourteen. His arrival follows that of Switzerland defender Fabian Schär from Deportivo La Coruna last week, while Benitez has also been able to sign goalkeeper Martin Dubravka on a permanent contract following a six-month loan spell. The Magpies added former Swansea midfielder Ki Sung-Yueng on a free transfer and Moscow Chelski FC midfielder Kenedy has returned on a season-long loan deal after the Brazilian had a successful six-month spell during the last campaign. However, a proposed move for West Bromwich Albinos striker Salomon Rondon - something which has dragged on for the majority of the summer - appears to have stalled at the eleventh hour. Dwight Gayle's unwillingness to leave Newcastle for a Championship side is reported to be 'hindering progress,' as are the alleged 'inferior contractual terms' said to be on offer to him. When asked about the Rondon situation Benitez noted: '[It] could be fine if we have an agreement but we have to respect West Brom and what they decide. It seems that Dwight Gayle will stay, so that's what we have at the moment.'

A five smacker note engraved with the image of the England striker Harry Kane has gone into circulation in Merthyr Tydfil. In Wales. Oh, the irony. Micro-engraver Graham Short made six of the notes after Kane won the Golden Boot for scoring the most goals during the 2018 World Cup. He used the note at a shop in Cefn Coed last Wednesday. The artist previously etched Jane Austen onto new deep-sea divers when they were first circulated and those have been valued at fifty grand. Short, from Birmingham, chose Merthyr Tydfil because his father was born in nearby Dowlais. The other notes were spent in Meriden in the West Midlands and the Elephant House in Edinburgh. A fourth note will be spent in Northern Ireland. He gifted the other two notes to the Football Association and to Stottingtot Hotshots forward Kane his very self. Because, obviously, Kane is a bit short of cash most of the time. Short uses very fine needles to scratch the images into clear sections of the notes. They remain legal tender, so it is up to sharp-eyed customers or shopkeepers to see if they have one. Explaining his decision to spend the money in Merthyr, Short said: 'I wanted someone to find it who perhaps needed the money, and they can perhaps sell it for whatever - holidays or Christmas. I like the magical feeling of it and just want people to be as excited as I am. It's just a bit of fun, but it also puts my art beyond the walls of a gallery. My art sells for a lot of money now and it's really out of reach for most people. But if they find this and sell it and make a lot of money, I'll be really pleased with that.' It is not the first time Short's work has been valued highly, with a portrait of the Queen being sold for one hundred thousand knicker in 2016. The valuation comes from the Tony Huggins-Haig Gallery, which insures his etchings at fifty thousand smackers each. Money specialist website Change Checker said that the phenomenon of people spending big money on banknotes depends on the notes having 'an interesting story behind them.' So, for example, if you have a tenner that Wayne Rooney once used to wipe his arse, then that might be worth a bloody fortune. It added: 'AA01 banknotes were part of the first batch of banknotes printed or serial number AK47 have been particularly popular thanks to the machine gun connotations. It really is just personal preference and what someone is willing to pay to have a certain banknote in their collection.'

Red and yellow cards will be issued to managers and coaches for 'misconduct in the technical area' and other nefarious skulduggery and stroppy indignation this season. Premier League managers will receive verbal cautions for 'irresponsible behaviour' in the 2018-19 campaign. But, in the FA Cup, Football League, EFL Cup, EFL Trophy and National League, they will be shown cards. Accumulating cautions will also lead to various suspensions, with four bookings warranting a one-match ban up to sixteen resulting in a misconduct charge. Previously, match officials only had the power to warn officials to behave themselves before sending them to the stands for more serious incidents. Cards can be issued for actions including inappropriate language or gestures towards match officials, kicking or throwing water bottles, sarcastic clapping and waving imaginary cards. This season will also see the introduction on competition-specific suspensions for players, rather than cautions carrying across multiple competitions.

There is no significant football action going on at the moment - you might have noticed - what with the 2018-19 campaign still a week away from starting. Other than pre-season friendlies, the only meaningful football at present are the UEFA Champions League and Europa League qualifying rounds. The second qualifying round fixtures finished this week, for entry into the third round before sides are set to face play-offs to earn entry into the group stage proper. Burnley's European adventure is set to continue, as they qualified for the third round after a hard-fought three-one extra-time victory over Aberdeen. Following a draw in the first leg, The Clarets broke the deadlock here in the second leg through Chris Wood, which added to their away goal advantage from the first leg at Pittodre. However, The Dons new signing, teenager Lewis Ferguson equalised in style with a sensational overhead kick which silenced Turf Moor before the half-time whistle, prompting fears that Sean Dyche's side would not progress. However, Burnley fought back into the game through Jack Cork's header and victory was secured as Ashley Barnes score from the penalty spot in the second-half of extra time. Burnley are set to face another tricky test against Turkish side Istanbul Basaksehir in the third round. The first leg will take place in Istanbul on August 9. The results for the majority of other qualifying rounds went as expected, as there were no major upsets and well-established sides secured their respective qualification through routine victories. Belgian side Genk progressed after a nine-one aggregate win over Fola Esch of Luxembourg, while Croat side Hajduk Split were four-two winners over Slavia Sofia. Bundesliga side RB Leipzig secured a five-one aggregate win against Sweden's BK Häcken, while Turkish giants Beşiktaş JK demolished B36 Tórshavn of the Faroe Islands eight-nil on aggregate. There were also comfortable wins for Sevilla - against once-great Hungarian side Újpest - and Serie A side Atalanta. CSKA Sofia, Sparta Prague, Hibernian, Vitesse Arnhem, Bordeaux, Maccabi Tel Aviv and Steven Gerrard's Glasgow Rangers also secured passage into the third-round with narrow wins of their own - the latter with a two-one aggregate win over NK Osijek of Croatia. Their progress, however, was somewhat marred by a nasty incident in which two men were seriously injured in violent clashes before the game in Glasgow. There was dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions, as Dean Ebbe's late goal saw The New Saints progress to the third qualifying round of the Europa League. The Welsh champions travelled to Gibraltar having beaten Lincoln Red Imps two-one in the home leg. Juan Manuel Montesinos Romero took advantage of a defensive mix-up to put the home side ahead in the second leg. But Ebbe restored The Saints' advantage on aggregate on the eighty-minute mark, meaning Scott Ruscoe's side will now face Midtjylland of Denmark. Crusaders were knocked out after a battling one-all draw against Olimpija Ljubljana. Paul Heatley's clinical finish earned Crues a deserved share of the spoils at Seaview in Belfast after Nik Kapun's low strike had put Olimpija ahead. The Slovenian side progress to the third qualifying round six-two on aggregate win thanks to their first-leg win. Iceland's Stjarnan defeated Nõmme Kalju FC of Estonia three-nil in Garðabær. The one major shock from this round of fixtures was Eredivisie side AZ Alkmaar, who lost three-two on aggregate to unfancied Kazakhstan outfit FC Kairat, despite a two-one win in the home leg. Albeit, Budapest Honvéd FC's home defeat to Luxembourg's FC Progrès Niederkorn would have been a major surprise if it had happened a couple of decades ago. Dinamo Minsk overcame Slovakia's Dunajská Streda whilst Cypriot champions AEK Larnaca thrashed League of Ireland's Dundalk four-nil. And, the excellently named Dynamo Brest of Belarus progressed at the expence of Greek side Atromitos. Some really big names were also playing in the Champions League second qualifying round where the likes of Glasgow Celtic, Ajax Amsterdam, Malmö FF, Dinamo Zagreb and Red Star Belgrade all made it safely through to the next stage of the competition.

An allegation that Mansfield Town's captain Krystian Pearce was racially abused during their pre-season friendly against Sheffield Wednesday is reportedly being 'looked into' by the Football Association. Tuesday's match is already under investigation by the FA after both sides were involved in a mass brawl with kids gettin' sparked an' aal sorts of bother and discombobulation. A Mansfield statement said that they had reported the incident to Nottinghamshire Police and the FA. Wednesday said they 'vehemently refuted any form of racist abuse. Sheffield Wednesday are aware of the very serious allegations made following the pre-season friendly with Mansfield Town on Tuesday 24 July,' a club statement said. 'The club vehemently refutes any form of racist abuse on our part and will vigorously defend itself should the need arise.' After the match, Stags boss David Flitcroft claimed to the media that something had 'riled' Pearce. 'With seven or eight minutes to go Pearcey was visibly upset with something, so I got him off the pitch,' he told the Sheffield Star. 'Pearcey has a character and a calmness about him as everyone can see. Supporters around here have known him longer than me. He has a calmness and assurance when playing football. But something riled him. Something rattled him and I was worried that, with him looking so wound up, he might do the wrong thing.'

Smaller football clubs are reportedly struggling to get their pitches ready for the new season after the recent heatwave in Great Britain. The long hot dry spell - with occasional flooding in between in some areas - has 'left many grounds unplayable' and some clubs say that they are losing thousands of pounds from cancelled pre-season matches. The risk has led to one council advising clubs to delay the season. But others, such as Kettering Town in Northamptonshire, have been using up to thirty thousand litres of water to soak their pitch and make it safe and playable. The chairman of Shepton Mallet AFC, Rodney Neale, who is also the club's groundsman, said that he, personally, would not play on their surface in Somerset. 'Imagine a youngster who has his career ahead of him putting his foot in [one of the holes] and breaking his ankle,' he said. The club, like thousands of others in the non-league pyramid, is run mainly by a mixture of volunteers and money from sponsors, usually local businesses. It also depends on income from pre-season fixtures, perhaps watched by several hundred supporters and many of those have been cancelled. This year the club has used about six tonnes of sand to fill the gaps in their bone-dry and cracked pitch, but ground staff accept they are fighting a losing battle. In Worcestershire, Redditch Borough Council has spoken to local football clubs saying 'safety must come first' and advised them to delay the start of the season. Tom Henman, from Redditch United, said that it previously has only had to cancel one match in eighteen months and has a 3G artificial surface. He accepted that a lot of other local clubs were suffering and said they had 'fixture swapped' so games that would have been cancelled can now go ahead. Kettering Town, which is in the Southern League, took a different approach to the problem with thirty thousand litres of water sprayed on the pitch. But it said that the watering was 'a balancing act' between making sure the pitch was playable without running the risk of having the game called off because of a waterlogged pitch. Lincoln City and Lincoln United had to cancel their pre-season fixture saying the heat had a 'detrimental effect on the pitch.'

Former England captain Terry Butcher has extremely quit as Philippines national coach before he had even taken charge of a match. The fifty nine-year-old was appointed on a two-year deal in June, starting this weekend, but 'he does not believe the right system is in place' for the country to be successful according to BBC Sport. Butcher, who made seventy seven appearances for England, has managed eight clubs since ending his playing career in 1990. Some of them really, really badly - most notably his thing-slappingly hilariously inept spell in charge of Blunderland. During which a terrace chant made up by supporters of local rivals Newcastle United, 'we put Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry Butcher on the dole, on the dole', soon came alarmingly true! 'I'm sorry to announce that I will not be proceeding in the role,' he said. In a statement to Press Association, Butcher, who has not managed since he was extremely sacked by Newport County in 2015, said: 'Across recent months I've been intensely engaged with many people to thoroughly understand and prepare for this exciting challenge. The vital issue for myself was to carefully build a robust plan to meet the football ambitions of the national team and "do the country proud." Regretfully, I've not been able to make this work in the way that I intended and I've decided not to continue in the role.' The Philippine Football Federation said it 'accepts with understanding' Butcher's decision.