Italy v Solvakia
Paraguay v New Zealand
When it comes to the crunch, it's been my experience in life that the Italians tend to revert to type. And this was, obviously, no exception. Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war. Hence, they sent for Gattuso, and prepared the trenches! I love Italian football but there really is something very predictable about them when things are not going well. They lose their temper, basically. As Cannavaro, Zambrotta and good old Rino went around kicking people up aheight Slovakia started to look really dangerous. Then they went and took the lead. That, wasn't in the script. De Rossi gave the ball away and Marek Hamsik slipped a pass through for Robert Vittek on the edge of the Italian box.
The striker shot into the corner past Marchetti's despairing dive. Oh corks. What the Hell is going on in this World Cup?! At half-time, Andy Townsend (whose turn it was to wear ITV's pink shirt today) described the Italians as 'the worst ever defending world champions.' Hard not to argue with that, frankly (although, France were shockingly poor in 2002). Lippi decided to go for Plan B, off went Gattuso - for what may well be the final time in a World Cup match - replaced by Fabio Quagliarella and, at the back, Magio was brought on for Criscito. Soon, Pirlo also entered the arena. A clearly unfit, half-paced Pirlo whose heart simply didn't look in it.
Meanwhile, over in Polokwane, what ITV were calling 'the worst World Cup game ever,' Paraguay v New Zealand, was attracting almost no attention whatsoever. After fifty minutes the BBC New website excitedly reported that there'd been a shot on goal.
Yeah. I think made the right choice with which match I chose to watch. When Vittek scored a second, with fifteen minutes to go, it seemed we were signing choruses of Arrivaderchi Roma. When Di Natalae pulled one back with nine minutes left, it was game on. After that, we got what you'd expect, an azure tide crashing against the shores of a desperate Slovakian defence. You had to wonder - as Jim Beglin actually did - why it took Italy this long to start playing. Then, Quagliarella scored an equaliser which was immediately ruled out for a fractionally marginal offside. Howard Webb had to break up at least one stroppy handbags-at-ten-paces fight involving Fabio and the Slovakian keeper. You did wonder what was going on in the streets of Turin and Milan and Rome, at that moment. What was going on in the little tavernas of the Amalfi coast and the cafes and trattorias of Campania and Tuscany. 
It was thrilling stuff. Unlike Paraguay v New Zealand which, apparently, wasn't. And then, two minutes from the end, the young Slovak substitute Kopunek scored with his first touch having run past five statuesque Italians. It was one of the goals of the tournament. Magic. Absolutely brilliant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love this game. But wait, it's not over yet, Quagliarella stroked one in, deliciously, from twenty five yards. Instead of being all over bar the shouting it was all shouting over the bar. Last minute of injury time, a scramble in the box and Pepe, from six yards, missed. Italy dethroned. Ciao.
Paraguay and New Zealand, meanwhile, reminds us that football can often be rubbish, too!
Denmark v Japan
The Netherlands v Cameroon
In a last-minute switch of main matches, BBC1 decided to go with Denmark. Gary Lineker summed up the mathematics involved in the group situation whilst Happy Harry the Hamster merely looked confused by all the long words and, when asked his opinion of the Italians, muttered some crass monosyllabic platitudes ('they'll be gutted, Gary. Cos, you know, they're, like, proud. You know?') I decided, therefore, to try BBC3 for a while. After all, they were featuring one of my favourite international teams, the Dutch. Unfortunately, flicking over, I was presented with the horroshow of Mark Bright and Garth Crooks, not even given a BBC chair to sit on but forced to stand in what looked like the lobby whilst they dibbled a load of nonsense about 'quality' and 'commitment.' Dreadful, it was. Total crap that evaporated on contact with the ear. 'The Dutch haven't impressed, yet,' said Bright. And, neither have you, you depressing inarticulate non-entity. You were a rubbish footballer, you're a rubbish analyst, you get paid for nothing. Switch.
Back to the Danes and Japan, then. And, it looked almost immediately like I made the right choice. Japan were simply sensational. True the Danes looked slow, and ponderous and as though it was they who only needed a draw to progress rather than their opponents. But that should take nothing away from Japan was scored two brilliant first-half goals - both direct from free-kicks - and could have had a shedload more. It was a performance that had the panel purring at half time. And, if you've never heard Alan Shearer purr, it's really quite an experience.
Meanwhile, the Dutch had taken the lead against David Cameron (Van Persie) and Kuyt had missed half-a-dozen sitters. So, no change there, then. 'Robin van Persie has scored for the Netherlands - and now Denmark need the same from his Arsenal team-mate Nicklas Bendtner. Is he out there though? I haven't seen him all game,' noted Martin Keown with what might well turn out to be his best moment of the tournament. At half-time, the BBC showed a trailer for Saturday's Doctor Who season finale. 'Big weekend of telly,' noted Gary. I knew we'd out him as fanboy sooner or later! I turned over to BBC3 and Mark Bright was still spewing verbal diarrhoea and Crooks was starting to look pissed off that he couldn't get a word in edgeways. The world has come to a pretty pass when Garth Crooks is out-talked on television. Back to BBC1. Switch. God bless whomsoever invented the remote control.
Second-half. Thomas Sorenson, who I've always considered to be a pretty good goalkeeper, was having a right 'mare. Almost presented Japan with a third. A highlight of the second-half, in which a knackerless Denmark never looked remotely threatening, was Keown making a bid of the World Cup's single most tasteless comment: 'It's going to be an aerial bombardment now.' Well done, Martin. Jolly, jolly well done.
I'm sure that went down well in Tokyo, Hiroshima, Nagasaki ... Over in Cape Town, the Macaroons got a penalty and Eto'o scored. The Dutch looked ... sort of mildly irked, if I'm honest. Rigobert Song, with dyed-blond hair and beard that Mark Lawrenson thought made him 'look like King Neptune,' came on as substitute. Back to Denmark and, finally, ten minutes from the end, they were awarded a penalty. Jon Dahl Tomasson, still needing one goal to equal the Danish international goalscoring record (as he has done for eighteen months since the last time he scored an international goal) stepped up and hit a weak shot which Kawashimsa saved. The rebound came back to Tomasson who, somehow manged to bundle the ball into the net - just - and injure himself at the same time. It's been that sort of tournament for poor old Jon. Meanwhile, the Dutch had taken the lead again (Huntelaar). Three minutes from the end, the very impressive Honda set up Okazaki for a third for the Japanese. Entirely deserved too. And that was the Danish bacon, cooked. So, that's the way it finished in both matches. Seven goals, lots of skill. There are far worse ways to spend an evening.
Goals: 95
Red Cards: 12
Paraguay v New Zealand
When it comes to the crunch, it's been my experience in life that the Italians tend to revert to type. And this was, obviously, no exception. Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war. Hence, they sent for Gattuso, and prepared the trenches! I love Italian football but there really is something very predictable about them when things are not going well. They lose their temper, basically. As Cannavaro, Zambrotta and good old Rino went around kicking people up aheight Slovakia started to look really dangerous. Then they went and took the lead. That, wasn't in the script. De Rossi gave the ball away and Marek Hamsik slipped a pass through for Robert Vittek on the edge of the Italian box.
The striker shot into the corner past Marchetti's despairing dive. Oh corks. What the Hell is going on in this World Cup?! At half-time, Andy Townsend (whose turn it was to wear ITV's pink shirt today) described the Italians as 'the worst ever defending world champions.' Hard not to argue with that, frankly (although, France were shockingly poor in 2002). Lippi decided to go for Plan B, off went Gattuso - for what may well be the final time in a World Cup match - replaced by Fabio Quagliarella and, at the back, Magio was brought on for Criscito. Soon, Pirlo also entered the arena. A clearly unfit, half-paced Pirlo whose heart simply didn't look in it.Meanwhile, over in Polokwane, what ITV were calling 'the worst World Cup game ever,' Paraguay v New Zealand, was attracting almost no attention whatsoever. After fifty minutes the BBC New website excitedly reported that there'd been a shot on goal.
Yeah. I think made the right choice with which match I chose to watch. When Vittek scored a second, with fifteen minutes to go, it seemed we were signing choruses of Arrivaderchi Roma. When Di Natalae pulled one back with nine minutes left, it was game on. After that, we got what you'd expect, an azure tide crashing against the shores of a desperate Slovakian defence. You had to wonder - as Jim Beglin actually did - why it took Italy this long to start playing. Then, Quagliarella scored an equaliser which was immediately ruled out for a fractionally marginal offside. Howard Webb had to break up at least one stroppy handbags-at-ten-paces fight involving Fabio and the Slovakian keeper. You did wonder what was going on in the streets of Turin and Milan and Rome, at that moment. What was going on in the little tavernas of the Amalfi coast and the cafes and trattorias of Campania and Tuscany. 
It was thrilling stuff. Unlike Paraguay v New Zealand which, apparently, wasn't. And then, two minutes from the end, the young Slovak substitute Kopunek scored with his first touch having run past five statuesque Italians. It was one of the goals of the tournament. Magic. Absolutely brilliant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love this game. But wait, it's not over yet, Quagliarella stroked one in, deliciously, from twenty five yards. Instead of being all over bar the shouting it was all shouting over the bar. Last minute of injury time, a scramble in the box and Pepe, from six yards, missed. Italy dethroned. Ciao.Paraguay and New Zealand, meanwhile, reminds us that football can often be rubbish, too!
Denmark v Japan
The Netherlands v Cameroon
In a last-minute switch of main matches, BBC1 decided to go with Denmark. Gary Lineker summed up the mathematics involved in the group situation whilst Happy Harry the Hamster merely looked confused by all the long words and, when asked his opinion of the Italians, muttered some crass monosyllabic platitudes ('they'll be gutted, Gary. Cos, you know, they're, like, proud. You know?') I decided, therefore, to try BBC3 for a while. After all, they were featuring one of my favourite international teams, the Dutch. Unfortunately, flicking over, I was presented with the horroshow of Mark Bright and Garth Crooks, not even given a BBC chair to sit on but forced to stand in what looked like the lobby whilst they dibbled a load of nonsense about 'quality' and 'commitment.' Dreadful, it was. Total crap that evaporated on contact with the ear. 'The Dutch haven't impressed, yet,' said Bright. And, neither have you, you depressing inarticulate non-entity. You were a rubbish footballer, you're a rubbish analyst, you get paid for nothing. Switch.
Back to the Danes and Japan, then. And, it looked almost immediately like I made the right choice. Japan were simply sensational. True the Danes looked slow, and ponderous and as though it was they who only needed a draw to progress rather than their opponents. But that should take nothing away from Japan was scored two brilliant first-half goals - both direct from free-kicks - and could have had a shedload more. It was a performance that had the panel purring at half time. And, if you've never heard Alan Shearer purr, it's really quite an experience.Meanwhile, the Dutch had taken the lead against David Cameron (Van Persie) and Kuyt had missed half-a-dozen sitters. So, no change there, then. 'Robin van Persie has scored for the Netherlands - and now Denmark need the same from his Arsenal team-mate Nicklas Bendtner. Is he out there though? I haven't seen him all game,' noted Martin Keown with what might well turn out to be his best moment of the tournament. At half-time, the BBC showed a trailer for Saturday's Doctor Who season finale. 'Big weekend of telly,' noted Gary. I knew we'd out him as fanboy sooner or later! I turned over to BBC3 and Mark Bright was still spewing verbal diarrhoea and Crooks was starting to look pissed off that he couldn't get a word in edgeways. The world has come to a pretty pass when Garth Crooks is out-talked on television. Back to BBC1. Switch. God bless whomsoever invented the remote control.
Second-half. Thomas Sorenson, who I've always considered to be a pretty good goalkeeper, was having a right 'mare. Almost presented Japan with a third. A highlight of the second-half, in which a knackerless Denmark never looked remotely threatening, was Keown making a bid of the World Cup's single most tasteless comment: 'It's going to be an aerial bombardment now.' Well done, Martin. Jolly, jolly well done.
I'm sure that went down well in Tokyo, Hiroshima, Nagasaki ... Over in Cape Town, the Macaroons got a penalty and Eto'o scored. The Dutch looked ... sort of mildly irked, if I'm honest. Rigobert Song, with dyed-blond hair and beard that Mark Lawrenson thought made him 'look like King Neptune,' came on as substitute. Back to Denmark and, finally, ten minutes from the end, they were awarded a penalty. Jon Dahl Tomasson, still needing one goal to equal the Danish international goalscoring record (as he has done for eighteen months since the last time he scored an international goal) stepped up and hit a weak shot which Kawashimsa saved. The rebound came back to Tomasson who, somehow manged to bundle the ball into the net - just - and injure himself at the same time. It's been that sort of tournament for poor old Jon. Meanwhile, the Dutch had taken the lead again (Huntelaar). Three minutes from the end, the very impressive Honda set up Okazaki for a third for the Japanese. Entirely deserved too. And that was the Danish bacon, cooked. So, that's the way it finished in both matches. Seven goals, lots of skill. There are far worse ways to spend an evening.Goals: 95
Red Cards: 12
