Gary Lineker kicked-off the BBC's coverage of the day with a brilliant (if, unexpectedly savage) one-liner concerning the events of last night: 'Steve Gerrard says the whole of the England team is behind Robert Green. With retrospect, that's probably a very good place for them to stand!' He meant it an'all. No cheeky little grin, nor nothing. Bet that one went down well in Rustenburg.
Algeria v Solvenia
The Algerian national anthem opens with 'we swear by the lightning that destroys/By the streams of generous blood being shed.' Almost certainly the only national anthem to allude to the very, very frightening qualities of lightning unless the Czech Republic decide to start using 'Bohemian Rhapsody' one of these days. The remainder of the anthem is devoted to all the other things the Algerians would like to do to the French. Much like 'God Save The Queen', in fact. Slovenia's effort, for the country that brought the world Laibach, is mercifully free of much jingoism. 'God's blessing on all nations/Who long and work for that bright day/When o'er earth's habitation/No war, no strife shall hold their sway.' Rite on, brother. And, also nice to know that, even in Slovene, 'day' and 'sway' still rhyme.
The BBC pundits all sounded, frankly, bored before this one. Well, let's face it, you would too if you had to sit through ninety minutes of Mark Bright with no possible escape. Speaking of whom, is that a gold lamé suit Bright is wearing in his BBC publicity photo? The game itself got off to a dreadful start. Not much of energy and endeavour and, even less in the way of actual class. It looked, frankly, like two average championship sides trying not to lose in case they got sucked into a relegation dogfight. The best bit of the first half was the discovery that the Slovenian manager is called Matjaž Kek.
He was a former part-time DJ and, so Simon Brotherton informed us, there was 'some disquiet' when he got the job with the national team. I wonder if that's because he's got a brother? And they're called 'The Keks'? Poor old Brotherton - stuck in a box with Brighty for ninety minutes and with a match worse than France v Uruguay to commentate on. It's no wonder that, by the half hour, he was reduced to wittering on about how viewers could access the BBC World Cup Website instead of describing all the thrilling action that wasn't happening on the pitch! At half-time, Alan Hansen (on his birthday, so he informed us) summed up a nation's thoughts: 'I should not be subjected to this sort of pain!'
The second half, unsurprisingly, was equally boring. Zinedine Zidane, in the crowd, looked so bored I thought he was going to nut someone. The dullness reached its height when I spent ten second-half minutes having a conversation with my mother about the electronic advertising boards around the pitch. No, really. Thirty thousand in the crowd nodded off in the afternoon sun. Ghezzal got so bored, he deliberately handled the ball and got sent off. Clever move, mate. Wish I'd thought of that. And then, with ten minutes left, Robert Koren took a speculative shot from the edge of the box and the Algerian keeper, Chaouchi who'd looked pretty decent so far, inexplicably dived over it. One moment of hijinx comedy that saved this fiasco from being this year's Switzerland v Ukraine. Four minutes of injury time just seemed like an added punishment. 'It's not been one of the great ones, has it?' asked Brotherton. You said it, pal.
Serbia v Ghana
'This one promises much,' Matt Smith (no, the other one) said on ITV. That just had to be bad news, surely?! Pre-match the Argentine referee was playing up to the cameras whilst Clive Tydlesley wittered on about all the crap you'd expect him to - 'clash of cultures, blah, blah, blah.' Then, we had a shot of some African in the crowd with, it seemed, his head on fire in a Crazy World of Arthur Brown style. Nice colour scheme for the Ghana keeper - lilac and slightly darker lilac with orange boots. The opening two minutes provided more passion, effort and skill as the entire ninety minutes of the previous game.
Ghana had sprung a surprise leaving both Muntari and Appiah out - although the latter has been injured. Ghana strong and pacey, the Serbs counter-attacking effectively and everything going through wily old Stanković. No goals, but lots of good touches and invention. There were chances - good chances - at both ends but when Tyldesley said 'there's going to be a goal soon, at one one end or the other,' the game seemed to have 0-0 written all over it.
And, that was the way it looked even after Lukovic was (rightly) sent off for a second yellow, despite his protestations of innocence. Banged to rights, my son. Then, seven minutes from time, a stupid handball by one of the Serbian defenders got spotted and Asamoah Gyan stuck away the penalty with some style. They could have had a second, Gyan hitting the post in added time. But, that was good. That's restored my faith in the World Cup's ability to be surprising and stylish. Africa arise! 'They'll be dancing in the streets of Accra tonite.' And, other patronising nonsense.
Ze Chermans v The Boys From Dahn Under (Where Women Glow & Men Chunder)
Ah, I'd been really looking forward to this one, actually. Vorsprung durch Technik versus Picnic at Hanging Rock. 'Everything begins, and ends, at exactly the right time.' Two of the world's finest - least rubbish, anyway - national anthems, 'Advance Australia Fair' and 'Song of the Germans.' 'Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit/Für das deutsche Vaterland/Danach lasst uns alle streben/Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand.' Achtung, baby! versus Sheila take a bow! I went all German on this one, largely I thin,k in recognition of the fact that our Terry and our Gudi are currently, living over there and were, in all likelihood, at that very moment in a small beir keller somewhere in Schleswig-Holstein near the Baltic coast getting stuck into bratwurst and chips. So, 'Deutschland! Schnell!'
You really do wonder how ITV can get it so wrong, so often and on so many levels. A potentially fascinating discussion on European rivalries (specifically the Dutch and the Germans and the French and the Italians) between Viera and Davids was sabotaged by Chiles asking dumb questions and Keegan looking, frankly, bored. And, then we got yet another horribly patronising 'report' from Kelly Dalglish with a bunch of pissed-looking Aussies. I cannot wait until we get to the semi-finals and matches are being covered on both sides simultaneously so I can wave bye-bye to ITV's shoddy 2010 World Cup completely. Seriously, if Five were covering it, I'd chose them over ITV.
It didn't take the Germans long to go ahead, Podolski netting from close range. Or, Klose range, if you like. They looked pretty much like German teams always look - organised, efficient, brave, quick and not entirely without flair or craft either. And, bonus, they seem much younger than most German teams from the last half-a-dozen major tournaments. The Dad's Army generation of Ballack and co finally moving aside for some younger guys. Australia, unfamiliar in dark blue and without an abundance of flair players themselves, struggled to cope for much of the first half.
And failed completely when Klose grabbed a second. Chiles asked the obvious question at half time, 'Is this the Germans playing well or Australia playing really poorly?' It was a valid query and, in truth, the answer was probably a bit of both (as Jim Beglin noted in the second half). Certainly the Germans looked good. Very good. But their ability to carve open, time and again, a very static Australian defence (with an average age of thirty one) did suggest that the 'Roos might have somewhat contributed to making the Germans look just a bit better than they actually are.
And, it got worse for them in the second half when Tim Cahill was sent off, possibly a bit unluckily, for a clumsy - rather than a malicious - tackle on Schweinsteiger. Thomas Mueller scored a third with twenty minutes left against, as Peter Drury noted, 'ten slightly shredded Australians.' Three became four when the very impressive Ozil set up Cacau. 'Sie gehen nach hause in ein großes weißes Lufthansa-flugzeug' as they say in Dusseldorf. So, ultimately, was that a game of men-against boys? Was it, like Argentina vs Serbia & Montenegro four years ago, a case of one teams making another, better, team look like world beaters when they, actually, weren't? The only way to find out, I guess, is to keep watching.
I can do that. I'd like to do that.
Goals: 13
Red Cards: 4
Algeria v Solvenia
The Algerian national anthem opens with 'we swear by the lightning that destroys/By the streams of generous blood being shed.' Almost certainly the only national anthem to allude to the very, very frightening qualities of lightning unless the Czech Republic decide to start using 'Bohemian Rhapsody' one of these days. The remainder of the anthem is devoted to all the other things the Algerians would like to do to the French. Much like 'God Save The Queen', in fact. Slovenia's effort, for the country that brought the world Laibach, is mercifully free of much jingoism. 'God's blessing on all nations/Who long and work for that bright day/When o'er earth's habitation/No war, no strife shall hold their sway.' Rite on, brother. And, also nice to know that, even in Slovene, 'day' and 'sway' still rhyme.
The BBC pundits all sounded, frankly, bored before this one. Well, let's face it, you would too if you had to sit through ninety minutes of Mark Bright with no possible escape. Speaking of whom, is that a gold lamé suit Bright is wearing in his BBC publicity photo? The game itself got off to a dreadful start. Not much of energy and endeavour and, even less in the way of actual class. It looked, frankly, like two average championship sides trying not to lose in case they got sucked into a relegation dogfight. The best bit of the first half was the discovery that the Slovenian manager is called Matjaž Kek.
He was a former part-time DJ and, so Simon Brotherton informed us, there was 'some disquiet' when he got the job with the national team. I wonder if that's because he's got a brother? And they're called 'The Keks'? Poor old Brotherton - stuck in a box with Brighty for ninety minutes and with a match worse than France v Uruguay to commentate on. It's no wonder that, by the half hour, he was reduced to wittering on about how viewers could access the BBC World Cup Website instead of describing all the thrilling action that wasn't happening on the pitch! At half-time, Alan Hansen (on his birthday, so he informed us) summed up a nation's thoughts: 'I should not be subjected to this sort of pain!'The second half, unsurprisingly, was equally boring. Zinedine Zidane, in the crowd, looked so bored I thought he was going to nut someone. The dullness reached its height when I spent ten second-half minutes having a conversation with my mother about the electronic advertising boards around the pitch. No, really. Thirty thousand in the crowd nodded off in the afternoon sun. Ghezzal got so bored, he deliberately handled the ball and got sent off. Clever move, mate. Wish I'd thought of that. And then, with ten minutes left, Robert Koren took a speculative shot from the edge of the box and the Algerian keeper, Chaouchi who'd looked pretty decent so far, inexplicably dived over it. One moment of hijinx comedy that saved this fiasco from being this year's Switzerland v Ukraine. Four minutes of injury time just seemed like an added punishment. 'It's not been one of the great ones, has it?' asked Brotherton. You said it, pal.
Serbia v Ghana
'This one promises much,' Matt Smith (no, the other one) said on ITV. That just had to be bad news, surely?! Pre-match the Argentine referee was playing up to the cameras whilst Clive Tydlesley wittered on about all the crap you'd expect him to - 'clash of cultures, blah, blah, blah.' Then, we had a shot of some African in the crowd with, it seemed, his head on fire in a Crazy World of Arthur Brown style. Nice colour scheme for the Ghana keeper - lilac and slightly darker lilac with orange boots. The opening two minutes provided more passion, effort and skill as the entire ninety minutes of the previous game.
Ghana had sprung a surprise leaving both Muntari and Appiah out - although the latter has been injured. Ghana strong and pacey, the Serbs counter-attacking effectively and everything going through wily old Stanković. No goals, but lots of good touches and invention. There were chances - good chances - at both ends but when Tyldesley said 'there's going to be a goal soon, at one one end or the other,' the game seemed to have 0-0 written all over it.
And, that was the way it looked even after Lukovic was (rightly) sent off for a second yellow, despite his protestations of innocence. Banged to rights, my son. Then, seven minutes from time, a stupid handball by one of the Serbian defenders got spotted and Asamoah Gyan stuck away the penalty with some style. They could have had a second, Gyan hitting the post in added time. But, that was good. That's restored my faith in the World Cup's ability to be surprising and stylish. Africa arise! 'They'll be dancing in the streets of Accra tonite.' And, other patronising nonsense.Ze Chermans v The Boys From Dahn Under (Where Women Glow & Men Chunder)
Ah, I'd been really looking forward to this one, actually. Vorsprung durch Technik versus Picnic at Hanging Rock. 'Everything begins, and ends, at exactly the right time.' Two of the world's finest - least rubbish, anyway - national anthems, 'Advance Australia Fair' and 'Song of the Germans.' 'Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit/Für das deutsche Vaterland/Danach lasst uns alle streben/Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand.' Achtung, baby! versus Sheila take a bow! I went all German on this one, largely I thin,k in recognition of the fact that our Terry and our Gudi are currently, living over there and were, in all likelihood, at that very moment in a small beir keller somewhere in Schleswig-Holstein near the Baltic coast getting stuck into bratwurst and chips. So, 'Deutschland! Schnell!'
You really do wonder how ITV can get it so wrong, so often and on so many levels. A potentially fascinating discussion on European rivalries (specifically the Dutch and the Germans and the French and the Italians) between Viera and Davids was sabotaged by Chiles asking dumb questions and Keegan looking, frankly, bored. And, then we got yet another horribly patronising 'report' from Kelly Dalglish with a bunch of pissed-looking Aussies. I cannot wait until we get to the semi-finals and matches are being covered on both sides simultaneously so I can wave bye-bye to ITV's shoddy 2010 World Cup completely. Seriously, if Five were covering it, I'd chose them over ITV.
It didn't take the Germans long to go ahead, Podolski netting from close range. Or, Klose range, if you like. They looked pretty much like German teams always look - organised, efficient, brave, quick and not entirely without flair or craft either. And, bonus, they seem much younger than most German teams from the last half-a-dozen major tournaments. The Dad's Army generation of Ballack and co finally moving aside for some younger guys. Australia, unfamiliar in dark blue and without an abundance of flair players themselves, struggled to cope for much of the first half.
And failed completely when Klose grabbed a second. Chiles asked the obvious question at half time, 'Is this the Germans playing well or Australia playing really poorly?' It was a valid query and, in truth, the answer was probably a bit of both (as Jim Beglin noted in the second half). Certainly the Germans looked good. Very good. But their ability to carve open, time and again, a very static Australian defence (with an average age of thirty one) did suggest that the 'Roos might have somewhat contributed to making the Germans look just a bit better than they actually are.And, it got worse for them in the second half when Tim Cahill was sent off, possibly a bit unluckily, for a clumsy - rather than a malicious - tackle on Schweinsteiger. Thomas Mueller scored a third with twenty minutes left against, as Peter Drury noted, 'ten slightly shredded Australians.' Three became four when the very impressive Ozil set up Cacau. 'Sie gehen nach hause in ein großes weißes Lufthansa-flugzeug' as they say in Dusseldorf. So, ultimately, was that a game of men-against boys? Was it, like Argentina vs Serbia & Montenegro four years ago, a case of one teams making another, better, team look like world beaters when they, actually, weren't? The only way to find out, I guess, is to keep watching.
I can do that. I'd like to do that.
Goals: 13
Red Cards: 4
