Early morning TV, World Cup day two: Sky Sports News featured the extraordinary sight of ex-Arsenal plank Alan Smith standing in what appeared to be a part of the African bush, describing how England would line-up against the USA, using a portable green wipeboard and some fridge magnets. I'm not making this up. 
It was TV history happening right before my astonished eyes. That might, just, have been the single most surreal (and, certainly cheapest) moment of the televised World Cup so far. I was excepting L!ve TV's News Bunny to come out in the middle of it. Sky's tactic, essentially, seems to be sort of denial that the BBC and ITV even exist and claiming that Sky Sports News is 'the only place to follow the World Cup, with live updates and hourly reports.' Or, you know, you could just watch the games on terrestrial instead like 'normal' people. Mind you, they're not alone in this. ESPN Classics are doing, essentially, the same with their South Africa Nightly. In which Ray Stubbs, John Barnes (looking like he's eaten every Mars Bar in the country, of late) and Shaka Hislop almost came to blows over who was likely to start in goal for England.
The Relatively Sensible Part of Korea v Greece is the Word
'What do you think of Koreans?' Bob Ferris once asked Terry Collier in Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? as the pair tried to avoid hearing the result of an England football match. 'Sinister,' replied Yer Man Terry after a moment's consideration. 'Much like all orientals.' 'Oh well,' noted Bob, 'that's a third of the world's population gone in a phrase!' I must say I very much enjoyed Jon Champion's intro on ITV in which he described Port Elizabeth as 'South Africa's motor city, a sort of Detroit by the sea!' And on a different continent, obviously.
Chiles and Townsend weren't in evidence in the studio, meaning we got The B team of Matt Smith (no, the other one) who seemed to have borrowed Andy Townsend's pink shirt - or, have ITV only got one and they all have to share it?, along with Robbie Earle and a very uncomfortable-looking Edgar Davids. South Korea's national anthem shares a tune with North Korea's. Which could come in very handy one day. Greece's, by contrast, seems rather sensible, informing any enemies of the nation that 'I shall always recognise you/By the dreadful sword you hold.' Yeah, that's usually a good way of spotting enemies, I've found. I made the great discovery that by fiddling with the bass and treble controls on my amp, the vuvuzelas sounded marginally less irritating today. It took Champion exactly one minute and six seconds to mention Greece's current financial woes. And, a further three minutes before we got our first reference to feta cheese. As Aristotle once said, 'Όλες οι ανθρώπινες ενέργειες έχουν μια ή περισσότερες από αυτές τις επτά αιτίες: πιθανότητα, φύση, εξαναγκασμοί, συνήθεια, λόγος, πάθος, επιθυμία.' Which, I think we can all agree with, can't we?
The Greeks started like eleven players who spoke eleven different languages (so, it couldn't have been all Greek to them) and, after six minutes, conceded a soft goal - Lee Jung-Su scoring after an inswinging free-kick should have been dealt with by Katsouranis. 'Hoisted by their own petard,' according The Other Smudger at half-time. The Koreans were neat, organised and lighting quick on the break whereas the Greeks simply never turned up in the first half. Thus, one was reduced to being impressed by the commentators' ability to say Papadopoulos without making it sound like he was ordering a large donar with fries at some kebab shop in Potter's Bar.
The second half was more of the same, and it was no surprise when the Koreans got a fine second goal, Park Ji-Sung pouncing on another Greek defensive mistake. The New Zealand ref was a bit whistle-happy but didn't make any obvious blunders. In fact, the majority of the second half was devoted to wondering if Champion and Craig Burley were going to do the entire Abbott and Costello 'Who's the Manager' routine. It was eighty minutes into the match before Gekas produced a proper save from the Korean keeper (it was a good one, mind). To sum up, then. One team showing passion, commitment and a fair bit of guile and simply wanted it more. The other, frankly, a hugely disappointing disgrace.
Arrrrrrgentina v Nigeria
Gary Lineker introduced Jurgen Klinsmann to the viewing public as 'Britain's favourite German.' Eh? Did we have a vote on that, Gary? And as soon as he handed over to the stadium, it got rapidly worse. Jonathan Pearce and Mick McCarthy, the commentary duo from hell. Horrible. Just horrible. Mercifully, BBC viewers experienced 'some sound difficulties' during the first half so, at least, we got an occasional break from Pearce's bellowing and McCarthy's pitiless, monotone drone.
Nigeria's national anthem begins 'Arise, O compatriots/Nigeria's call obey,' which is a bit domineering and stern. Compared, however, to Argentina's stoppy-starty one, which sounds like a Genesis b-side, it's a little pop classic. '
Mortals! Hear the sacred cry/Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!' Cupcakes? Oh no, sorry, Maradona's eaten all those. Anyway ... what idiot had the bright idea of playing Jonas Gutierrez at right back? Oh, Maradona. Fair enough. Still, the Argies are, genuinely, a team of all the talents and that was further emphasised after five minutes when Heinze got a free header from a corner and bulleted it in. They then strolled around like they owned the place for much of the rest of the match, though Tevez was a bit anonymous in the first half and Messi was only brilliant in little flashes. At half-time were got more Garth Crooks. What, exactly, had we done to deserve that?
The second half was a bit more open. Messi messed up a terrific Argentine four-versus-two break. Nigeria brought on Oba Martins to give them something more potent up front. But, that didn't work. And all the while Maradona stood on the touchline, mad as toast, arms folded and hand clamped under his armpits as if to hide a significant B.O.
problem, scowling like the old woman down the road who threatened to burst your ball if it came in her garden. I mean, it was good stuff, in patches - the Argies barely getting out of first gear but still looking very classy, the Nigerians good in possession but with little punch up front. A Martins' shot after seventy odd minutes was the first real save Romero had to make. Speaking of goalkeepers, the best player on the pitch was probably Enyeama. Big and strong, I imagine he's put a couple of noughts on any potential transfer fee if Hapoel Tel Aviv want to cash in on him. Both sides missed good chances near the end but, ultimately, Argentina just had that little bit more up front.
England My England v You-Ess-Hay
Missed, of course, all of the ITV build up to the England game as I was doing what all sensible people do on a Saturday night in England - watching Doctor Who. Thank goodness World Cup matches aren't decided on national anthems otherwise 'The Star Spangled Banner' would spank 'God Save The Queen' about eight-nil. Even with the fourth verse taken into account.
Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend - another commentary team from the land where misery rules. They only had three minutes to waffle, however, before Stevie G had the ball in the American net. Sexy start. It was all looking so good for a while - nothing spectacular but a reasonably straightforward game of absolutes and (reasonable) positives. And then, a few minutes before half-time, England had a goalkeeping calamity and, for once, it was nowt to do with David James.
A relatively weak shot from Clint Eastwood (or, somebody) dribbled towards Rob Green who had an inexplicable Peter Bonetti moment and, somehow, a game that England had never looked in remote danger of being level in was, now, level. At half time, Chilesy tried to soothe a nation's furrowed bows with passive reassurance. 'The usual mixture of hope and horror.' Yeah, thanks mate, we got that. Andy Townsend, meanwhile, managed to lay all of the blame at Capello's door for 'all this messing around with who's the number one goalkeeper.' Except, without actually saying so and hurriedly adding, 'course, that's got nothing to do with the mistake.' Yeah. Thanks for that too, Andy. You're getting paid for this deep stuff, I trust?
The second half progressed with a sort of nasty inevitability. Heskey got through one-on-one with Tim Howard and shot straight at the keeper. Green made a lot of amends saving point blank from Altidore. Lampard had a free kick in a dangerous position that he put into Row Z. Rooney narrowly avoided getting on the end of Wright-Phillips cross. England picked up unnecessary bookings and at least one wholly expected injury (King, unsurprisingly). Don't lose your first game is, of course, the first rule of World Cup club, so this is far from a disaster. But, it was an underwhelming, rather flat and one-paced performance against well-organised but not particularly outstanding opponents. And, it was easy to see which country was the most happy with the result at the end.
England, eh? They never make it easy for themselves - or for us - do they?!
Goals: 7
Red Cards: 1
It was TV history happening right before my astonished eyes. That might, just, have been the single most surreal (and, certainly cheapest) moment of the televised World Cup so far. I was excepting L!ve TV's News Bunny to come out in the middle of it. Sky's tactic, essentially, seems to be sort of denial that the BBC and ITV even exist and claiming that Sky Sports News is 'the only place to follow the World Cup, with live updates and hourly reports.' Or, you know, you could just watch the games on terrestrial instead like 'normal' people. Mind you, they're not alone in this. ESPN Classics are doing, essentially, the same with their South Africa Nightly. In which Ray Stubbs, John Barnes (looking like he's eaten every Mars Bar in the country, of late) and Shaka Hislop almost came to blows over who was likely to start in goal for England.The Relatively Sensible Part of Korea v Greece is the Word
'What do you think of Koreans?' Bob Ferris once asked Terry Collier in Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? as the pair tried to avoid hearing the result of an England football match. 'Sinister,' replied Yer Man Terry after a moment's consideration. 'Much like all orientals.' 'Oh well,' noted Bob, 'that's a third of the world's population gone in a phrase!' I must say I very much enjoyed Jon Champion's intro on ITV in which he described Port Elizabeth as 'South Africa's motor city, a sort of Detroit by the sea!' And on a different continent, obviously.
Chiles and Townsend weren't in evidence in the studio, meaning we got The B team of Matt Smith (no, the other one) who seemed to have borrowed Andy Townsend's pink shirt - or, have ITV only got one and they all have to share it?, along with Robbie Earle and a very uncomfortable-looking Edgar Davids. South Korea's national anthem shares a tune with North Korea's. Which could come in very handy one day. Greece's, by contrast, seems rather sensible, informing any enemies of the nation that 'I shall always recognise you/By the dreadful sword you hold.' Yeah, that's usually a good way of spotting enemies, I've found. I made the great discovery that by fiddling with the bass and treble controls on my amp, the vuvuzelas sounded marginally less irritating today. It took Champion exactly one minute and six seconds to mention Greece's current financial woes. And, a further three minutes before we got our first reference to feta cheese. As Aristotle once said, 'Όλες οι ανθρώπινες ενέργειες έχουν μια ή περισσότερες από αυτές τις επτά αιτίες: πιθανότητα, φύση, εξαναγκασμοί, συνήθεια, λόγος, πάθος, επιθυμία.' Which, I think we can all agree with, can't we?The Greeks started like eleven players who spoke eleven different languages (so, it couldn't have been all Greek to them) and, after six minutes, conceded a soft goal - Lee Jung-Su scoring after an inswinging free-kick should have been dealt with by Katsouranis. 'Hoisted by their own petard,' according The Other Smudger at half-time. The Koreans were neat, organised and lighting quick on the break whereas the Greeks simply never turned up in the first half. Thus, one was reduced to being impressed by the commentators' ability to say Papadopoulos without making it sound like he was ordering a large donar with fries at some kebab shop in Potter's Bar.
The second half was more of the same, and it was no surprise when the Koreans got a fine second goal, Park Ji-Sung pouncing on another Greek defensive mistake. The New Zealand ref was a bit whistle-happy but didn't make any obvious blunders. In fact, the majority of the second half was devoted to wondering if Champion and Craig Burley were going to do the entire Abbott and Costello 'Who's the Manager' routine. It was eighty minutes into the match before Gekas produced a proper save from the Korean keeper (it was a good one, mind). To sum up, then. One team showing passion, commitment and a fair bit of guile and simply wanted it more. The other, frankly, a hugely disappointing disgrace.
Arrrrrrgentina v Nigeria
Gary Lineker introduced Jurgen Klinsmann to the viewing public as 'Britain's favourite German.' Eh? Did we have a vote on that, Gary? And as soon as he handed over to the stadium, it got rapidly worse. Jonathan Pearce and Mick McCarthy, the commentary duo from hell. Horrible. Just horrible. Mercifully, BBC viewers experienced 'some sound difficulties' during the first half so, at least, we got an occasional break from Pearce's bellowing and McCarthy's pitiless, monotone drone.
Nigeria's national anthem begins 'Arise, O compatriots/Nigeria's call obey,' which is a bit domineering and stern. Compared, however, to Argentina's stoppy-starty one, which sounds like a Genesis b-side, it's a little pop classic. '
Mortals! Hear the sacred cry/Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!' Cupcakes? Oh no, sorry, Maradona's eaten all those. Anyway ... what idiot had the bright idea of playing Jonas Gutierrez at right back? Oh, Maradona. Fair enough. Still, the Argies are, genuinely, a team of all the talents and that was further emphasised after five minutes when Heinze got a free header from a corner and bulleted it in. They then strolled around like they owned the place for much of the rest of the match, though Tevez was a bit anonymous in the first half and Messi was only brilliant in little flashes. At half-time were got more Garth Crooks. What, exactly, had we done to deserve that?The second half was a bit more open. Messi messed up a terrific Argentine four-versus-two break. Nigeria brought on Oba Martins to give them something more potent up front. But, that didn't work. And all the while Maradona stood on the touchline, mad as toast, arms folded and hand clamped under his armpits as if to hide a significant B.O.
problem, scowling like the old woman down the road who threatened to burst your ball if it came in her garden. I mean, it was good stuff, in patches - the Argies barely getting out of first gear but still looking very classy, the Nigerians good in possession but with little punch up front. A Martins' shot after seventy odd minutes was the first real save Romero had to make. Speaking of goalkeepers, the best player on the pitch was probably Enyeama. Big and strong, I imagine he's put a couple of noughts on any potential transfer fee if Hapoel Tel Aviv want to cash in on him. Both sides missed good chances near the end but, ultimately, Argentina just had that little bit more up front.England My England v You-Ess-Hay
Missed, of course, all of the ITV build up to the England game as I was doing what all sensible people do on a Saturday night in England - watching Doctor Who. Thank goodness World Cup matches aren't decided on national anthems otherwise 'The Star Spangled Banner' would spank 'God Save The Queen' about eight-nil. Even with the fourth verse taken into account.
Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend - another commentary team from the land where misery rules. They only had three minutes to waffle, however, before Stevie G had the ball in the American net. Sexy start. It was all looking so good for a while - nothing spectacular but a reasonably straightforward game of absolutes and (reasonable) positives. And then, a few minutes before half-time, England had a goalkeeping calamity and, for once, it was nowt to do with David James.
A relatively weak shot from Clint Eastwood (or, somebody) dribbled towards Rob Green who had an inexplicable Peter Bonetti moment and, somehow, a game that England had never looked in remote danger of being level in was, now, level. At half time, Chilesy tried to soothe a nation's furrowed bows with passive reassurance. 'The usual mixture of hope and horror.' Yeah, thanks mate, we got that. Andy Townsend, meanwhile, managed to lay all of the blame at Capello's door for 'all this messing around with who's the number one goalkeeper.' Except, without actually saying so and hurriedly adding, 'course, that's got nothing to do with the mistake.' Yeah. Thanks for that too, Andy. You're getting paid for this deep stuff, I trust?The second half progressed with a sort of nasty inevitability. Heskey got through one-on-one with Tim Howard and shot straight at the keeper. Green made a lot of amends saving point blank from Altidore. Lampard had a free kick in a dangerous position that he put into Row Z. Rooney narrowly avoided getting on the end of Wright-Phillips cross. England picked up unnecessary bookings and at least one wholly expected injury (King, unsurprisingly). Don't lose your first game is, of course, the first rule of World Cup club, so this is far from a disaster. But, it was an underwhelming, rather flat and one-paced performance against well-organised but not particularly outstanding opponents. And, it was easy to see which country was the most happy with the result at the end.
England, eh? They never make it easy for themselves - or for us - do they?!
Goals: 7
Red Cards: 1
